Because Hearts Don't Break Around Here
by SadBeautifulTragic08
Summary: Olivia is 100% sunshine. Her smile is blinding, her eyes and posture radiate warmth and contentment and there's the striking notion of utter happiness swimming in the hazel depths. She's sunshine when so often he sees storms and fog in her. Olivia/OC.
1. The Change Of Heart

Settled comfortably on the sofa, a glass of wine nestled between her thighs, Olivia Benson held her phone to her ear, laughing as she was listening to Carrie. They went way back, first met in College, and have been close ever since. No longer locally close, but emotionally, and that was something. Despite missing Carrie, who had moved to Chicago after getting her masters in Psychology, Olivia had to admit that the distance was probably one of the reasons they were still in touch. Since she's first started out as a Detective, she admittedly has been bad at nurturing friendships. Carrie truly was the only constant in her life since she's been in her twenties. Most of the people she used to feel close to, she's worked with. Alex Cabot, Casey - even Elliot. And none of those friendships lasted beyond the job. Maybe because the job was truly all they had in common, maybe because neither of them had tried hard enough. With Elliot she had tried. She had tried like hell to get in touch after he had shot Jenna Fox, even after he had put in his papers without giving her a heads up. It had taken her years to come to terms with the undeniable truth. Elliot no longer wanted her around. She never found out why, and eventually she stopped trying to understand it and allowed herself acceptance.

„Anyway," Olivia heard Carrie say with a deep breath, the laughter slowly dying down. „How's things with you?"

„Actually, things are… the usual," Olivia said.

„Heard anything from Tucker?" Carrie knew that her friend's ex was still a bit of a sore subject. It had been months, and since the breakup Carrie had the decency not to ask, but she was curious and Olivia didn't share easily. On the other end of the line there was dead silence, then a long, theatrical sigh.

„Carrie, I don't wanna…"

„I know, you don't wanna talk about it. Just asking."

„I didn't hear from him. I don't expect to hear from him, either. It's over and done with."

„It's that easy?" Carrie dared to ask.

Olivia thought about it for a moment and picked up her glass, taking a slow sip and enjoying the taste of the Cabernet. „It didn't feel right anymore," she admitted after the dark red slid down her throat.

„You seemed happy." But what did she know? She's never met the guy, has only ever seen a couple of pictures that were taken in Paris.

„I was. For awhile," Olivia admitted lost in thought.

„So, what changed?" Now that she got her friend talking, she sure as hell was going to take advantage to get some much needed info.

„We wanted different things, I think. Tucker - he was talking retirement, starting a life together."

„He wanted you to retire?" Carrie asked in disbelief. Hell would freeze over before the Olivia Benson she knew was going to turn her back on her unit. As crazy as it seemed, Special Victims was Benson's life. Carrie never truly understood, but it was like Olivia had some personal agenda to rid the world of it's darkness, like she was fighting a fight that she'd never win. Carrie was amazed at her determination and resilience. As a psychologist she knew that most people didn't last long in Special Victims. Olivia however had been doing it for almost twenty years, had made her way up the ladder, now heading the unit.

„No, he wanted to retire. I wasn't ready to… when he said that, and I understood what it meant, I realized it wasn't enough. I didn't want to take it further. I don't know why. He was great to me, he was amazing with Noah but it just-„

„- wasn't right," Carrie finished for her.

„Yeah," Olivia sighed.

Truth was, sometimes she missed things about him. But not him in particular. She missed having someone to call, or even someone to share her bed. She missed feeling important to someone, to feel loved. But she didn't miss him, and when it was over she felt relief mixed in with the sadness about having been unable to make it work once again.

„You're not someone to simply settle, huh?" Carrie chuckled to lighten the mood.

Olivia couldn't say that she hadn't thought about it once or twice in her life. Settling with what she had at the time, without that desire to strive for more. Despite her age, she still wanted to feel complete. In a way Noah made her feel that way, and with him in her life, with all the love she felt from him, with all those smiles and every „I love you, Mommy" she reminded herself she couldn't possibly ask for more. But part of her was still hoping and dreaming. She could have settled with Brian. They were good together, and she couldn't say that she was particularly unhappy. But Olivia had known that they were never going to move forward together in ways that she had imagined. They had been living together and that would have been it. Brian has had no desire for children or marriage. He couldn't even tell her he wanted to be with her for life. He lived in the here and now, and probably, she thought, that was never going to change. Ed on the other hand, he would have gone there. She already had the child and he had been more than ready to take care of her and Noah. And yet she couldn't stand the thought of letting him in. God, she was one screwed up woman.

„Maybe love's just not meant for me," Olivia shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant.

„Crap. You just haven't found the right guy yet."

„I'm going on fifty, Carrie," Olivia groaned.

„No candidates?"

„Not really," Olivia said heavily.

„Not really?"

„It's com-„

„Nu-uh, you don't ‚it's complicated' me. Shit's always complicated. Spill."

„There's nothing to spill, it's… someone's asked me out." It sounded meaningless to hear own ears, yet Olivia felt her stomach twist.

„So?" Carrie asked impatiently. Almost thirty years of knowing each other and the woman still had to be begged for details.

„So what?"

„Who is he? How did you meet? What does he look like? Age or approximate age in case you don't know, divorced, kids, car tag?" The questions came like bullets.

„I can't go out with him," Olivia said, sounding final.

„Okay? Give me one good reason. Oh wait, he's not your superior, is he?"

„God, no Carrie, of course not!"

„What? It's possible, happens all the time. Then why?"

„He's… it wouldn't be a good idea."

„And why wouldn't it be a good idea?"

„Because he's Noah's teacher," Olivia said heavily.

„And it's against the fancy school's policies for teachers to date a parent?"

Olivia sat dumbfounded for a moment, taking a few seconds to answer. How did Carrie not understand that regardless the school's policies it was a bad idea?

„No, it isn't but-„

„Is he nice?" Carrie's voice took on an edge that told Olivia the woman on the other end of the line was positively irritated by now.

„What? What does that matter?"

„Is he?"

„Yes, I think so."

„You think so?"

„I barely know him, he seems nice."

„Great. Now give me a quick rundown of the situation."

Olivia sighed heavily once again. „Wait," she said and brought her glass to her lips, finishing it up with three long swallows. Liquid courage. Olivia really didn't want to do this, but she knew Carrie wouldn't let it go, not tonight and not in the coming weeks, months, even years, if she didn't talk about it. She was used to this. She had always given Carrie just enough to satisfy her curiosity, and usually it shut her friend up for quite some time.

So, for the sake of peace, Olivia started rehashing that she saw the guy in the mornings when she dropped Noah off at his class room. She first really talked to him when he had invited her to talk about Noah's early childhood development. He had been nothing but professional and truth was, Olivia thought that he was great as an early childhood teacher. That for weeks he had only greeted her warmly with a smile when she brought Noah in and they only talked about school related things.

„And then he just asked you out all of a sudden?" Carrie interrupted after Olivia made a pause that lasted for too long.

„No. One afternoon before I picked up Noah I got some groceries at a store close to the school. He was in line behind me, I recognized it was him, he greeted me-„

„Olivia!"

„We made some small talk and I left. Six or seven weeks passed by, he sort of tried to engage me in a conversation a couple of times until one morning he asked if I had a couple of minutes and he asked me out."

„And you said no?" Carrie concluded.

„I said that I don't think it's a good idea, seeing he's my son's teacher."

„Olivia, Noah's four years old. It's not like he's in high school and going to cause problems for him because his classmates think he's getting straight A's because his Mom's screwing the math teacher," Carrie groaned in disbelief.

„It wouldn't look good regardless, Carrie. What do you think the other parents will think about it if it comes out? And these things always come out, don't they?"

„Why do you care what other parents will think? You don't even know if something's going to come off it, Liv. Maybe you go out once, twice, five times and you realize it isn't going to work, or maybe he's an idiot-„

„Exactly, and then Noah is stuck with a teacher I've gone out with. If it ends badly, he might be biased when it comes to him. He might take it out on Noah."

„Five minutes ago you mentioned that you thought he was an amazing teacher just by the

way he talked about him and how he interacts ‚beautifully' with the children. You think his professional competences end just because of a few dates gone bad?"

„I'm just saying it's a possibility."

„Right. Here's another possibility: he might be a great guy who takes you on a few great dates. Maybe it could be the start of something. How's that?"

Silence.

„Liv?"

„Yeah, I'm still here. Look, Carrie, I know what you're trying to say. I do. I'm just not sure if I want to take that chance."

„You're overthinking this too much, Liv."

„Maybe," she admitted. She didn't know what she wanted herself. And every scenario of this ending badly had her too worried to allow herself to want to figure it out.

„All things aside - if he wasn't Noah's teacher but some random guy - would you agree to go out with him?"

Olivia took a moment to ponder the thought. He was nice, very. Eloquent, sweet, not at all pushy. He seemed nervous yet quite sure of himself as he told her that he simply had to ask, or else he'd always regret it, as he asked if he could take her out for coffee or dinner - whatever she preferred. He instantly seemed to notice her hesitation as the question was out and told her that he didn't expect an answer right away, that she should take some time to think about it and let him know when she's made up her mind. That was three weeks ago and ever since then she felt queasy whenever she dropped Noah off in the morning. He never asked, just smiled at her, although he came off a little nervous and thus standoffish. This morning she had wanted to tell him no. Only she chickened out when he looked up at her from the corner he was standing in, busy with preparations for the day, so instead she had only raised her hand, not sure if she meant to say hello or goodbye. There was a faint smile playing around his lips as he too raised his hand as their eyes met briefly and before she got the chance to open her mouth she turned and walked away instead, chastising herself for not simply getting it over with and make things easier for the both of them.

„All things aside? Probably I would have agreed."

„There you have your answer. Plus, you must be terribly underfucked."

Olivia almost choked on her refill of wine, spilling some on her sweatshirt and couch. „Excuse me?" She demanded as she was still coughing up some of the alcohol that went down the wrong pipe.

„It's been eight months, ´livia," Carrie pointed out.

„That's none of your business, plus how would you know?"

„So, you've gotten any action, and I'm not talking manual operation here?" Carrie asked.

„I think I'm missing the point here, Carrie. Whether or not I've had a sex life after Tucker, even IF I went out on a date with him, I'd never sleep with him. I'm not THAT desperate. If I wanted a one-night stand, I wouldn't choose Noah's teacher."

Olivia was more upset than it was worth, and she knew the reason why. Carrie had struck a nerve. Noah was of course Olivia's first priority and running her unit kept her busy, but at the end of the day she was still a red blooded woman, a sexual being. She had grown tired of one night stands and short lived affairs a long time ago, so simply going out to find someone who'd scratch an itch was not an option. Unfortunately that meant that her sexual needs had to be put on the back burner, which at this point had her beyond frustrated.

„Not talking about a one-night stand here, Liv. I was just trying to say that-„ Carrie was interrupted before she could end her sentence.

„I'm sorry. I know what you are trying to say. Listen, it's getting late, I'll have an early morning tomorrow. Talk next week?"

„Yeah, yeah, sure. But Liv? Think about it some more, will ya? A date can't hurt, and if he seems like a decent guy, I'm sure he's not going to rip your or Noah's head off, if things don't work in his favor. Try to live a little's all I'm saying."

„I'll think about it. Tell the kids and Martin I said hello. And about you coming here? I'd really love to see you, Carrie. It's been way too long."

„I will, and come hell or high water, I'll be there next month. Has to be worth something to have teenagers and a husband who's life they can make miserable for a week," she joked, but the affection for her three men was still audible.

„Get ready for the tantrums of a four year-old." Olivia laughed. „Bye Carrie, talk to you soon," she said before she finally hung up.

Putting her glass on the table, Olivia's eyes settled on her white sweatshirt that was quite possibly ruined for good with two wine stains. Then her thoughts turned to him. Thomas Tetley. She knew nothing about the man, except his profession. And the fact he was handsome in an unconventional way. He was barely taller than her with warm, blue eyes, fair hair with a bit of ginger mixed in. A few times he's worn black rimmed glasses, probably only for reading and while they made him look just a bit nerdy, the look was strangely… sexy. He was well built but not overly muscular, his stomach just slightly outlined by his shirt. He was probably a couple of years younger, but in her experience, with men it could be hard to tell.

‚What are you even thinking about?' Olivia scolded herself as she shook her head. Getting up she grabbed the glass and put it in the sink, deciding to go to bed and not give this any more thought. She's already made her decision and tomorrow morning she'd gather the courage and tell him that she was sorry, but couldn't go out with him. And for the moment she was certain of just that as she quietly slipped into the darkness of her bedroom.

‚Just do it. It's not as hard as it seems,' Olivia thought as she gently ruffled her son's hair and sent him off for his school day. Thomas Tetley stood close to the door, greeting Noah who quickly made his way inside with a „Bye Momma,". Her eyes met Thomas'? Mr. Tetley's? (Were they even on a first name basis?) When he had asked her out, he had tentatively used her first name, but using his felt oddly misplaced, at least in her head. For a moment she got distracted just looking at him. The glasses were back today and her heart was racing with nervousness. Also, her mouth was dry like the Mojave Desert. Before she could work up the courage to finally ask if she could steal a minute of his time, she saw his mouth moving and then his voice resonated in her ear with a low rumble.

„Hi." And with that Olivia felt completely overwhelmed. A simple greeting and she was thrown off base.

„Hey," she managed, her voice thick and breathy. What the actual…

„Ol-„ he started but she cut him off before he could finish her first name.

„Could I talk to you?" She saw his hollow palm covering his mouth for just a second as he nodded. „Yeah, sure. Let's go down this end of the hallway," he said, stepping out of the classroom and leading the way to the end of the hallway that wasn't frequented in the early morning since the workshop wasn't used until noon that day.

Nervously, he stopped, knowing they were out of ear shot. „Olivia, if I overstepped by asking you out - I want to apologize. I think by now I know the answer's no, and I understand. No hard feelings," He said gently with a smile that showed his weakness. He had told her to take her time and think about it, but for three weeks it had been a little awkward in the mornings, so he put one and one together and had decided he'd spare himself any further embarrassment. If she had been interested, she would've said something by now.

Listening to his words Olivia felt stunned. Not by his words, but by feeling disappointment instead of relief. She should thank her lucky stars, shouldn't she? He gave her a gracious out, all she had to do was nod, or say okay. She should be ecstatic that the problem has just solved itself. Yet here she was, standing in front of him, wondering why all of a sudden she felt robbed. He's been a gentleman, he's waited patiently, never pressuring for an answer. But probably she had answered by not answering at all. Swallowing thickly, Olivia could hear her saliva clicking in her throat. She could tell that he was waiting for her to say something, but she just stood there stupidly, looking at him even more stupidly.

Thomas shifted his weight from one foot to the other before he put his palms together, as if shaking his own hand. Shortly glancing at the floor, he took a step to the left, ready to let her go. „I'm really sorry," he said, stepping around her to get back to his class. Ten more minutes and he'd start to engage the children in art and quietly lick his wounds at his desk and figure out just how he'd save face with Noah's mother in the future now that he's thoroughly embarrassed himself.

„Wait-„ tumbled from Olivia's lips hurriedly, as she realized he was going to walk away. She turned just in time to see him stop mid-motion, like he froze.

„I am sorry, I didn't mean to- I meant to say something all this time, I just didn't-„ For the lack of a proper explanation, she fumbled for a somewhat coherent sentence.

„I get it, I really do. You have nothing to apologize for. I didn't think you'd accept in the first place, and it's okay."

Worrying her bottom lip, Olivia shook her head. „It's not that I don't want to, but to be completely honest, I love this school for Noah. I don't want to mess anything up for him," she admitted.

Thomas' eyes widened with realization. Of course he's thought about it, too. „Absolutely, I understand. But, just to get it out there? I wouldn't have let it get in the way of my job. I know my place in the classroom. Before I'd let any personal feelings get in the way, I'd take on an other class or look for a new job. I just hope that things won't be awkward from now on."

God, now she really felt like an idiot. He must have considered the very same scenarios that have gone through her mind before he had taken the plunge and asked her out. And all this time she's only seen what consequences it could have for Noah.

„I was going to tell you no today," Olivia admitted, her lips pursed.

„I thought so. Actually, I didn't think you were going to tell me, but I had a feeling it was a no, verbalized or not," he said back with a sheepish smile. „But I stick to what I said. I needed to ask, or else I would've forever kicked myself for not asking."

His honesty amazed and moved her. Maybe she should just let it go, she thought, but instead she went through her handbag, grabbing one of her calling cards. „I was going to tell you no today," Olivia repeated, offering him the NYPD card that read Lt. Olivia Benson, the address of the 16th Precinct, as well as her office and cell number. „But I think I've just had a change of heart. If you're still interested in coffee or dinner - whichever you prefer -„ she quoted his words from when he had extended the invitation. „ - call me," she finished.

Thomas looked at the card, then glanced back at her as she timidly smiled at him and walked away without another word.

„I will," he said as he recovered, looking after her, unsure if she had heard. If she had it didn't show.

She had. And she couldn't help but smile.


	2. The Extraordinary Date

„Lieu, Catherine Murphy just woke up, I'm taking Amanda down there, see if she's fit to give a statement." Carisi's head was poked between her office door and it's frame as the tall Detective brought the news of their latest victim, a twenty-two year old who was found raped and beaten unconscious by her room mate in their living room. Taking her glasses off, Olivia nodded in agreement. She'd go down to Mercy herself, if it weren't for the stacks of paperwork that have accumulated on her desk in the past couple of weeks. She glanced at her computer screen. 7:19 PM.

„Keep me updated, and if you need me-„

„We'll let you know, Lieu," Carisi gave a single nod.

„Thanks. If nothing gives call it a night. I'll be heading out of here in about an hour."

„Been a rough week," Carisi said compassionately. There were always too many cases but this particular week had been frustrating the whole squad. Two cases lost in court, one victim dead, a former victim had committed suicide and every member of the squad carried some guilt for having missed the signs. While everybody was torn up about it, Olivia was taking it particularly hard, especially since she's talked to the young woman just hours before she's taken her own life.

„It has," Olivia agreed with a blank facial expression, not ready to get into this with Sonny. She'd battle those demons on her own, just like she usually did. As her Detective stuck around, seemingly waiting for her to say more, she lifted her head slightly. „Anything else, Carisi?"

Holding her eye for a few seconds, Sonny eventually bowed his head. „Nothing else. Later, Lieu."

As the door closed, Olivia leaned back in her chair, glancing at a photograph of Noah. By the time she'd get home, her son was probably going to be asleep, or at least in bed. Rubbing her temples, she sat back up and straightened her back, put her glasses back on and tried to focus on the forms in front of her. Fifteen minutes later her phone went off, caller ID showing an unknown number. She picked up within seconds, grateful for the break. Her eyes were burning, tired from staring at the computer and various files and forms all day.

„Benson."

„Hey, this is Tom." The male voice didn't sound familiar, nor could she place the name Tom.

„Tom?" She repeated, her tone giving away that she didn't have the slightest clue whom she was talking to.

„Tom… Tetley. Noah's teacher?" He clarified, and then the penny dropped.

„Oh. Hi. I'm sorry," Olivia said. „I didn't make the connection, I thought it was Thomas, at least I'm pretty sure that's what it said in the newsletters and on the memo board," she quickly explained.

She heard him chuckle nervously. „Actually, it is Thomas," he confirmed. „But only my parents use that one, and that's when they're upset, so Tom it is."

„Tom. Noted," she said, pushing up her glasses so they sat on top of her head.

„So, I was wondering if maybe you're free next Saturday for dinner?" He asked hopefully. „There's a pretty great Italian place and I could get us reservations."

Olivia quickly glanced at the calendar on her desk and nothing came to mind for that day. „That sounds great, I'll have to check with the sitter, but I don't think it's going to be a problem. I'll have to warn you, though, if something comes up work wise cancelling is a very real possibility, so is having to cut the date short." She's been called in while out on dates so many times that by now she was upfront about it, that was going to spare her and her date some disappointment.

„That's alright, I'll happily take a raincheck. So, Saturday, let's say 7:30?"

„8:30 would be better for me, if that's okay with you."

„Perfect. So, can I come and pick you up or…?" He asked, leaving things up to her, which she appreciated.

„How about I'll meet you there," came her counter suggestion.

„Absolutely, whatever works for you. So, I'll forward you the address once the reservation stands, how's that?" He sounded more confident now and Olivia smiled, finding herself actually looking forward to the date. She was going to look at it as just that. A date. No strings attached. It probably wasn't going to be a total disaster, and she could really do with a night out.

„Okay, great. So, I'll see you around." At least five times until Saturday, she reminded herself.

„Have a good night, Olivia. And enjoy your weekend."

„Thanks, you too. Bye Tom." Hanging up she relaxed into her chair. A date. She was officially going on a date with Thomas ‚Tom' Tetley, Noah's teacher. While Olivia wasn't sure how she truly felt about this turn of events, she couldn't say that she was dreading it. Knowing herself, she'd have second thoughts in the coming week anyway, she'd start to think of reasons to cancel but, and this she promised herself, she wouldn't chicken out. She'd keep her word, go on the date, and she was going to take it from there - whatever would follow.

Stifling a yawn, Olivia decided to call it a night, at least when it came to paperwork. Finishing up she closed the notebook, put away the forms and grabbed her jacket, ready to head home.

...

Her week had been a rollercoaster of emotions, professionally as well as privately. Tonight's date had Olivia jittering with nerves, which wasn't normal, it was only a date after all. A date with Noah's teacher, a little voice inside her head reminded her each time. Even though Olivia was certain it didn't go against any school policies, it felt like playing with fire and who played with fire shouldn't be surprised getting burned. What if this whole thing would come crashing down on her, if all that would be left was scorched earth? ‚But it's just a date,' Olivia then reminded herself. Just a date. For the time being anyway.

She had received a WhatsApp message two days ago with the address of the place and checked out their website to get an idea on what to wear. Eventually, she had decided on a deep burgundy colored dress , black heels, black clutch. It accentuated Olivia's curves, yet it didn't reveal too much courtesy a high neckline. She damned the dress as she realized she'd have to shave her legs but part of her was looking forward to getting dressed up for not just herself. Of course she always took care of herself and was properly dressed on the job, but it made all the difference when it was for someone else's benefit. Her hair got in touch with the curling iron for the first time in weeks and her make-up turned out to be her all day solution. After forty minutes in the bathroom Olivia looked back at her reflection and decided this was as good as it gets. Not that she had enough time to change anything about her appearance at that point, it was about time she got going. Lucy, Noah's nanny, complimented the outfit choice and after she's kissed Noah goodbye the younger woman saw Olivia out, telling her it was good to see her get out again.

A thirty minute cab ride later, Olivia paid the driver and stepped out of the vehicle, her eyes settling on Tom who was already waiting for her. She was ten minutes early and she liked the fact he was over-punctual. Nothing was worse than a man who kept her waiting at a restaurant, even with the horror that the city traffic was.

Smiling, she made her way over to him, taking in the way his eyes raked over her body and Olivia silently complimented herself on a job well done.

„You look… wonderful," Tom told her, and that was only half the truth. Spectacular, stunning, perfect. He felt his cheeks burning with nervousness and excitement.

„Thank you," came her soft reply as she tucked a strand of curly brown hair behind her ear. He himself didn't look too bad, either, Olivia thought. A dark blue pair of denims and a beige, thin sweater, the collar of a dress shirt accentuating the neckline. A bit more on the casual side, Olivia decided, yet decent enough for a first date. In fact she thought this suited him much better than dress pants and a button down shirt possibly could.

„Are you ready to go in?" Tom inquired. He needed a chair, and a glass and menu to busy his hands.

„Absolutely," Olivia agreed with a smile. As nervous as she had been before she got out of the cab, it was reassuring to see he was just as insecure. She figured he didn't date his pupils mother's all the time, which was a good thing.

Stepping towards the door, Tom held the door for Olivia, slipping inside Uva after her. He couldn't help but check out her curves again, feeling just a little bit guilty about it. They were greeted by a waitress at the register before she showed them to their table and lit a candle. The place was lovely, rustic yet cozy. The decor was adorable, the lighting just right to add to the atmosphere. The bar area was pretty empty but all the tables were packed, so they were lucky to have made reservations.

„I'll have your menus in just a second," The waitress said with a polite smile as they sat down.

„The place is lovely," Olivia told him, taking everything in. The exposed brick walls, the outdoor patio, the chandelier in the middle of the room. It was bigger than it looked upon first glance.

„Actually, I have hoped it would be, I haven't been here before, but have relied on yelp reviews," Tom admitted, drawing a laugh from Olivia. Out of all of the things he could have said, he went with the truth. That alone made him highly likable.

„Well, in that case Yelp hasn't failed you," she smiled.

„Hallelujah," he exclaimed with mock relief, making her laugh softly again. Honest and funny, Olivia decided. She had a feeling she might enjoy this date much more than she initially thought.

„So, Tom, I've been wondering. Do you always ask out your pupil's Mom's or is that a recent thing?" She asked, her voice a tease, maybe even a little flirtatious if one cared to look below the surface.

„Honest? All the time," he said with a straight face. „It's become a hobby of sorts." His eyes betrayed him and his lips cracked into a smile.

„Really?" One eyebrow lifted, although she was pretty sure that even with him carrying his heart on his tongue, he wouldn't be delusional enough to tell anyone that and think they'd make it through dinner.

„No, I've just said that so I wouldn't have to admit that this was a first and I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. Plus, and this is off the record and you've never heard me say this, most mothers? Total nightmare. They'll trust bankers with their money, realtors with their houses, the hair dresser with their perms, but God beware you are teaching their children - you just can't win. And those perms? They're bad." He grinned, and Olivia couldn't help but laugh, a snorting noise escaping as she tried to stop herself.

The waitress returned with their menus and backed right off with a smile. Funnily, it was no longer awkward at all and whatever nervousness there had been as they entered the place had evaporated into nothingness. Tom obviously had a way to say the right things and make his opponent comfortable, no matter how strange the circumstances.

Opening their menus both of them shifted their focus for a couple of minutes, the conversation dying down until they chose their meals. Olivia decided on the Crostone for a start - grilled ciabatta bread, topped with a ragout of artichokes and melted pecorino cheese - and the Penne Gratinate for the main course. Tom ordered the Bruschette Caprino (and mentioned that goat cheese was one of his guilty pleasures when it came to food), and Gnocchi Di Ricotta, leaving the choice of the wine up to Olivia. Ranging at an average price, she picked a Pinot Noir.

„So, Olivia, let me ask, Cheerleader or Math Club?" Tom asked. It was obvious he wasn't trying to be serious but to get the conversation going again.

„Neither, actually. I played soccer. How about you? Football? Head of the team?"

„Drama Club, plus I played the guitar, still do actually, so I had little interest in anything else that would demand a massive amount of practice. And to be honest, I was never the most athletic. Average at best."

„I'd think studying lines takes quite some time."

„A little bit but memorizing things has come easy to me," he shrugged.

„Did you always want to become a teacher? Early childhood education seems to be more of a women's domain." Shit. For a millisecond she saw her date tense and instead of looking at her, his eyes have shifted to the candle in the middle of their table. That latter part of her sentence had been sexist, and she's dealt with sexism far more than she would have liked as a woman with the NYPD and especially Special Victims. „I am sorry," she apologized quickly. „That came out wrong."

Tom seemed to have recovered, his eyes finding hers again. „No, it's okay. You're not wrong, it's a little bit uncommon in Early Education. Truth is, developmental psychology is pretty damned interesting and a huge part of the job. And it beats teaching hormonal teenagers," he added. „I love what I do but honestly? I wouldn't make the same choice again. But I'm not surprised you've asked, seeing the field you're working in."

She was baffled until she remembered she'd given him her card, which stated quite clearly that she was working Special Victims. And it was then that the penny dropped. He hadn't tensed because she's confronted him with sexism at its worst, but because he thought she was questioning why a man chose to work with little boys and girls. Instantly she felt sick, because that has never been what she was worried about when it came to him. Of course Olivia knew that you couldn't read anyone's mind, but she simply hasn't gotten that kind of vibe from him ever. And she liked to believe she had a way of identifying the creeps and perverts.

„Tom, that's not - wow. Um… I'm sorry if I made it sound like that's something I'm worried about, in fact, I've never even thought anything like that when it comes to you or any other teacher at Noah's school. I apologized because my comment was sexist, and I've dealt with my share of sexism in my field, so I do know it's never appropriate." Way to kill the mood, Benson, she scolded herself. She knew that men in particular had a general suspicion attached to them.

„Okay," he nodded, more than ready to let this go. „What about you? Why Special Victims?"

The truth was way too much to reveal for a first, even a twentieth date. She's gotten this question a lot in the past, and often enough she hasn't even disclosed what she did for a living before she's made up her mind if she was interested in the guy or not.

„I've got a bit of a helper syndrome," Olivia said. „And the victims need someone to fight for them, speak up for them when they have been wronged. I wish my kind of job wasn't necessary in this world but it is. Very."

„I think it's pretty damned brave of you."

„Let's… let's move on to another subject. I don't really like to talk work on a date. Kind of puts a damper on the mood."

Tom was more than ready to move on and within a second he fired a question at her.

„Favorite book?"

„Um… 100 Years Of Solitude."

„Gabriel Garcia Márquez. Not bad. Not bad at all. The book confused the hell out of me."

„You've read it?"

„Sure. Only once, though, and in the end it had me completely puzzled. Five or so generations and they all had similar names."

„You should read it again. It makes more sense the second time around, I promise. Yours?"

„Mine?"

„Favorite book," she reminded him as the waitress came with their bottle of wine and poured them each a glass. „Thank you," Olivia said politely.

„Robinson Crusoe."

„Good one." They each took a sip of their drink, taking in the noises from the tables surrounding them.

„Favorite movie?"

„Can't say," Olivia said.

„Why not?"

„Because I don't think I have one." That earned her a blank stare.

„How can anyone not have a favorite movie?"

„I don't know, I'm not much of a TV person, either."

„So, you don't watch TV?" He could barely believe it.

„I do watch TV, but I'm rarely paying attention."

„Then why turn it on at all?" He was honestly baffled.

„Background noise. Sometimes I don't like the silence, and music's too heavy those times so… I turn on the TV."

„Fair enough, but man, that's strange," he chuckled.

„I'm sure there's stranger things," Olivia insisted.

„I'm sure you're right." He gave up the argument and smiled at her, and Olivia found herself smiling back at him. It was easy to be around him and still be herself. She wasn't as reserved as she usually was on first dates.

„Do you have kids?" This was getting a little more personal but it was an important question.

„None. Do you?" The counter question was as fast as a machine gun and before Olivia realized that he was only trying to make her laugh again, she had already been confused. „Sorry," he offered lightly, and she snorted softly, rolling her eyes at him. „I'll tone it down, promise. I think by now the atmosphere is relaxed enough."

Truth was, Olivia didn't mind the jokes. It was a nice distraction from the darkness that came with work and she couldn't tell when she's last been on such an extraordinary date while at an ordinary restaurant.

Their appetizers were served and the food was to die for. It wasn't always easy to get authentic Italian food in New York city, at least if you didn't know the hotspots and Olivia deemed Uva one of the best places she's been to.

„Can I ask where the glasses are?" Olivia asked Tom between bites of food.

„Huh?"

„The glasses. You're wearing them sometimes," she clarified.

„Well, the glasses are at home. I'm usually wearing contacts but sometimes they're irritating my eyes, thus the glasses."

„They suit you," she complimented around a smile that she then washed down with a sip of Pinot Noir.

„In that case I shall wear them more often and not struggle with contacts in the morning," he gave back, seeing his date's cheek flush a little. „I don't think I said it yet, but you look beautiful tonight, Olivia." Of course he thought she was stunning since he had first had her in his classroom, but this was something else. The dress, her hair, the lighting of this place, he couldn't help but notice time and time again that the woman was absolutely breathtaking.

Flattered, Olivia's cheeks turned at least five shades of red darker. She quickly glanced down at her plate, then cleared her throat quietly. „Thank you," she rasped. It didn't make her feel uncomfortable, yet she's never handled being complimented by a man well.

Tom backtracked slowly, wondering if he had said the wrong thing, or maybe not necessarily the wrong thing but the right thing too soon. „I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

„Hmm," she shook her head quickly. „You didn't. It's not you, I never really know how to react or what to say. Insecurity, I guess," she admitted.

„Thank you is perfectly fine," Tom assured.

...

One and a half hours into the date and conversation still came easily. They have covered all the obvious subjects and Tom had wisely navigated around politics because if he has learned one thing it was not to talk politics and former relationships on a first date. Olivia felt well taken care of. Tom was easy to talk to, accommodating, he listened well but shared enough. He made sure she didn't want a different drink, double checked if she really didn't want dessert. As hard as she tried, she couldn't find a single thing that was bad about this date.

„The one food you couldn't live without?" He asked, refilling both their glasses of wine, the bottle now empty.

„Probably the sandwiches from that deli near the precinct, but that's simply for survival," she laughed. „Yours? Besides goat cheese?"

„Has to be Capt'n Crunch," he admitted truthfully, drawing a full blown laugh from Olivia.

„What are you, twelve?" She snorted.

„Thirty-seven, but thank you," he grinned. This had her laughing again, maybe even more so, only this time he didn't fall into her laughter.

„That's funny."

„What's funny?" He asked gently, and then it dawned on her and the laughter slowly died and her smile froze. This was not a joke.

„You're serious, aren't you?" She inquired, suddenly feeling slightly cold and just a little overwhelmed.

„Yes, I'm serious." He watched her get fidgety, her hand rubbing across her forehead, and he realized she hadn't seen this coming. He had simply assumed she'd know he's younger.

„Wow, I'm…," Olivia cleared her throat once, twice. What the hell was she doing here on a date with a man eleven years younger than her. Sure, she had figured he'd be a few years younger than her, maybe around his mid-forties. Looking at him now she felt utterly stupid. Olivia could see it in his face now. He didn't look whatever age she had attached to him. She didn't even dare to disclose her own age, and she sure as hell hoped he wasn't going to ask. Not that she looked exceptionally younger. Granted, she didn't look too bad for her age, but she she at least looked her age. Then again, he did too, and she's simply assumed otherwise. Did she come off as some cougar? Like someone who wanted to hook her claws into the next best cub? She looked at him and his discomfort was literally radiating off of him now, because she was still fumbling for something to say other than ‚What the hell was I thinking?'. Instead of wrecking her brains much more, she lifted her glass and emptied it in two long, needy swallows.

„Would you like some more wine? Water? Soda?" He asked slowly and tentatively. Again she cleared her throat, then pursed her lips, and the smile he came to enjoy all through dinner didn't appear this time. Her eyes settled on him and she looked apologetically at him.

„No, thank you." Her voice was gentle, almost soothing, and Tom had already received the message loud and clear. „Actually, I think I should get home. The sitter's probably waiting and traffic is a nightmare on Saturday nights." He felt crushed, for the lack of a better word. He did know she was quite a bit older, and this was yet another lesson learned. Disclose your age before you ask someone out if there's an age difference. Maybe he had hoped it wouldn't matter to her. That age was just a number. And weren't women dating men ten, fifteen, thirty years their senior all the time? He wanted to say something, but wouldn't press her to talk about it.

„Of course," he nodded. „I'll just get the check," he told her, rising to walk over to the register. Looking after him, Olivia sunk back against the rest of her chair, sighing to herself. „Fuck," she muttered underneath her breath. As she saw him walking back towards their table, she straightened, but didn't dare to look him in the eye. Getting up she took her clutch, and still the gentleman he led her to the door, holding it for her just like he had earlier that night when they had arrived.

„Do you need a lift home?" He offered.

„No, I'll get a cab. Thank you for dinner. It was great, really." It was in her face and in the way her voice dropped so hesitantly that he knew there was a but attached to each word.

„No, thank you for tonight. You're a remarkable woman, Olivia. You deserve an extraordinary man." She could feel that she's hurt him, however unintentional it might have been. His confidence was now lacking, and she really couldn't blame him.

„Tom, I'm…" His hand on her forearm stopped her and he slowly shook his head.

„Don't. Please don't," he said, trying to save face. As quickly as his fingers had touched her chilled skin, he had retrieved his hand. „Have a good night, Olivia."

With that he turned and walked off into the dark of the night, his form illuminated by the lanterns on the Upper East Side.

„You too," Olivia whispered, until he vanished somewhere in the distance, swallowed up by a cluster of people.


	3. The Awkwardness

Five minutes later Olivia sat in the backseat of a taxi, the traffic lights passing her by in a blur. Tom's words still rung in her ears as he had pleaded her not to say what he must have known sat on the tip of her tongue.

 _„Don't. Please don't."_

She lightly wrapped her arms around herself, feeling the chill of the night air that got trapped in the cab as she had climbed in and shut the door.

 _„You're a remarkable woman, Olivia."_

Good God. She still couldn't fully wrap her mind around what has happened within the past five to ten minutes. She silently questioned if this wasn't exactly what she had wanted. Hadn't she waited for the other shoe to drop all night? Expected something to go wrong, wondered what the catch was? Maybe deep down she had only been searching for some reason to sabotage this whole thing because he was still Noah's teacher and did she even want to get involved with anybody at this point? Eight months ago she's ended things with Tucker, telling him she needed to focus on her son. Nothing has changed about that, or has it?

It had been a perfectly nice first date. Screw nice, it had been one of the best, if not the best first date she's ever been on. Great location, amazing food, a man that was wonderful company and there was no awkward silence where neither of them knew what to talk about. He didn't bring up any ex-girlfriends, no longer lived with his mother, didn't talk sex and came across a fairly solid single man. In his thirties. Whereas she was forty-eight, almost forty-nine years old. By the time she had realized he was not kidding her, she had felt awfully self-conscious about her own age and felt paralyzed by the thought he could ask. What did a guy his age see in a woman her age? Did she simply fit his individual dating rules, mature women preferred, or had he been oblivious of her true age?

No matter how she looked at it, she couldn't picture going out with him again, much less let it get serious. What did she, at almost fifty, possibly have to offer to someone who could still have it all? He was handsome in a fascinating but unconventional way. Not some Hollywood hottie who was every woman's naughty dream but he had more charisma then most men had going for them. His voice was a warm but deep rumble, his smile infectious and a pleasure to look at as he was showing perfect teeth. There was just the slightest hint of dimples when the corners of his mouth lifted and who cared to look closely would see pale freckles on his skin. And then there was her. While she looked quite alright for her age, and there certainly were things Olivia liked about herself, she would forever belie any expectations Tom might have. Age has made her body a little fuller, the elasticity of her skin has fallen prey to gravity. Her breasts were still full, but not as firm as they used to be ten, fifteen years ago and wrinkles richly adorned her face and cleavage these days let alone the first age marks that showed on her hands. She was still physically fit, but no longer as athletic, and truthfully she has let the whole running thing slide since her breakup with Tucker.

Whichever way Olivia looked at it, there was just no way she could go there.

Twenty minutes later Olivia retrieved her keys from her clutch, letting herself into her building. She desperately needed a drink to digest the shock and forget about that sadness she had seen swimming in Tom's eyes as she was about to apologize and explain her sudden exit. She should have been more gracious about that one, Olivia thought. Once the cat was out of the bag and she had recovered from the initial shock of realizing he wasn't joking about his age, she had basically bailed on the man. Her excuses sounded crappy even to her own ears. The sitter. Traffic. My ass, Olivia thought.

Lucy was surprised to see her back so soon and politely asked if it had been a bad night. Five minutes and a half-hearted reply later her nanny left and Olivia headed for the hard liquor. She poured some Scotch, neat, and slumped down on her couch. She wanted to get out of that dress but was too lazy to fumble for the hidden zipper on her back. Taking a deep swallow, Olivia's eyes slid close and she enjoyed the burn of the spirit that settled warmly in her stomach. She almost felt a little better.

She retrieved her Iphone from her clutch, noting she had received one text message, huffing as she saw it was from Carrie.

 **9:48 PM Carrie**

 _ **How's it going? Call me later, I'll be up until you're back. Love you. C**_

She pressed the home button and tossed the phone onto the pillow next to her, resting her head for a moment and closing her eyes. Then, with another swig from her tumbler, she gave in and reached for her phone, dialing Carrie.

„Do tell," her friend answered without greeting her first.

„Don't ask," Olivia said heavily.

„Asshole?"

„I wish." That would have made it easier. An uncomfortable date with a sleazy piece of crap actually sounded much more appealing than reality.

„Then what?"

„It was a great date, very nice place, amazing food."

„He realized he isn't as interested as he thought? No chemistry?" Carrie concluded.

„He was interested - I think. It's… I was an idiot. I knew he was probably younger but I thought maybe three, four, five years at the most."

„Okay," Carrie drawled.

„He's thirty-seven. I thought he was joking and laughed pretty much whole-heartedly until I noticed he's serious. Then there was a moment of awkwardness and to add insult to injury I've basically bailed on him a minute later, told him I had to get home, back to the sitter and explained how traffic is so god-awful on a Saturday night."

„Ouch." Carrie empathized the word with a long hiss through her teeth. „How did he take it?"

„I think he was…hurt. Not so much because of the rejection in general just… how quickly the whole thing has taken a turn for the worse. I was about to tell him that I'm sorry and that I don't see it working out with the age difference but he stopped me. He already knew what was coming. And I feel awful. I mean, really awful, because it was kind of a bitch move, wasn't it?"

„A little bit, yeah," Carrie agreed. „What's the big deal anyway?"

„It's eleven years, Carr. That's just not me, I'm not a cougar."

„You used to date men much older than you. Let me remind you of good ol' Prof-„ She was cut off the second Olivia knew where this was going.

„Don't. That was different."

„Fine, that would leave that reporter guy and the lawyer guy you once crushed on."

„Kurt was…"

„A big mistake. An old, big mistake. I'm stressing old here, Liv. At the top of my head I can think of at least four men you've dated that were at least ten years your senior, if not more. So what's the big deal?"

„I don't know, maybe it's because some men only get better with age and I don't." Carrie almost doubled over with laughter.

„That Kurt certainly wasn't what I'd call ‚better with age', Liv. Not to insult you or your taste in men, but whenever I think of that night I have to throw up a little. And for the record, you look damn fine at forty-eight."

„He probably expected me to be five or so years younger himself," Olivia reasoned.

„Or maybe he knew exactly what he was getting into when he asked you out, Benson. They do have your records filed, if I'd gotten the chance, I would've checked you out."

Olivia cringed a little on the inside. „That would definitely take it too far, Carrie. That's insulting."

„Maybe he didn't. All I'm saying is that this whole age thing might not be such a big deal for him at all. You've been with older man, maybe it's time to try someone a little younger. It's not like he's in college and waiting for you to cheer him on on the football field. Thirty-what-was-it? Seven? sounds like a perfectly reasonable age."

„For what? To make me feel self-conscious about my old age?"

„Pffft - you're overreacting, sweetheart. You've got a lot more going for you than some thirty-something's out there, trust me."

„Carrie, if it would be you-„

„No-ohohoh. If it would be me, if he was a decent guy, I'd freakin' go for it, Liv. Of all the shit that could've been an issue, you're crying because a younger fella is into you? What's wrong with you, woman? I'd get it if you'd say you're just not into younger guys in general. That you prefer them aged like a good wine. But that's not what I hear, I hear you talking this down simply because you're confronted with your own insecurities."

That hit home. Olivia knew there was some truth to it. She was insecure about her own age, not his. She was insecure about her body compared to that of a woman closer to his age, scared to disappoint physically, and if she'd disappoint physically that translated to disappointing sexually, too. And sex in general was a whole different matter with her, only adding to the baggage that came free with her. Olivia exhaled slowly, her breath staccato, which Carried heard, her voice now softer.

„Liv, what is it?" She cooed, carefully.

It was silly. Stupid, really. Olivia felt tears threatening to surface and refused to blink, to keep them away. She felt choked up, because she never really talked to Carrie about things work related, least of all things that have happened to her. Like Lowell Harris, or Lewis a few years ago. She had mentioned a kidnapping, but told her all was okay, she got a little banged up and the whole thing was going to go to trial. But she had never admitted to the true story, the physical and psychological torture, the sexual assault, the game of Russian roulette that eventually caused Lewis' death.

„I'm so messed up, Carrie, you have no idea," Olivia whispered into the speaker.

„You're not messed up, Olivia," she said with conviction.

„´course I am. I've got so much more baggage than you can imagine and I don't think I'm ready to open up to someone I am or might grow emotionally close to. And I'd have to open up about certain things because they're so goddamn obvious." The emotional wounds she could gloss over and hide, even deny. But the physical scars told a story of their own, they raised questions that deserved answers, only those answers weren't easy to give, not without opening Pandora's box.

„You opened up to Tucker, didn't you? Whatever it was about." Despite her degree in psychology, Carrie wasn't going to shrink Olivia. It was not her place.

„That was different. Tucker already knew everything there was to know." He was still with IAB at the time, he had heard every sordid detail from her own lips, had seen her battered and bruised, had seen the pictures taken at the hospital of each contusion, every burn, the lacerations, each scratch marking her body. By the time they have started an intimate relationship, Tucker already knew what to expect and he knew not to ask about it.

„Olivia, if you ever need to talk-„ Carrie said, treading carefully.

„I'm fine," Olivia said too quickly, clearing her throat. „I've got a shrink if necessary."

„I don't mean to shrink you, Liv. You're not a patient. I meant if you ever need to talk to a friend, then I'm right here, okay? Day and night, I'll make time."

„I appreciate that, Carr. Thanks." She'd never take her up on the offer, but she valued it highly.

„So, that's it, hm? No more dates with the teacher?" Carrie asked, sounding hopeless.

„I don't think so, no. It might be my insecurities, maybe you're right about that, but I don't think I'm ready or willing to figure it out at this point in my life. I wanted to focus on myself and Noah anyway, so dating isn't even on the top of my list."

„You're breaking my heart, Benson, I live vicariously through you when it comes to dating," she whined, adding a fake sob for good measure.

„What've you got to complain about? You've got the husband and the kids, the house and backyard and the cute but huge dog."

„I do, but trust me, marriage can get old sometimes. Ups and downs, Liv. Ups and downs."

„Guess the grass always looks greener on the other side, huh?"

„Grass certainly looks very green when a thirty-something's got the hots for you," Carrie teased. „You're making me jealous. He good looking?"

„He's no longer a thing, Carrie, let's just move on," Olivia groaned.

„Last question and I shall forever keep silent. Pinky promise."

„He looks really good in his own way, no George Clooney or Brad Pitt kinda guy just… I don't know. It's hard to explain. There's something about him."

„Who could he be compared to look wise?" Carrie asked, since Olivia left too much open to interpretation.

„I don't know."

„Try."

„I really don't know, he doesn't look like anybody I could put my finger on. He looks like Tom, maybe with a little bit of Ed Sheeran mixed in."

„Who the fuck is Ed She-what?"

„Never mind," Olivia sighed.

„Like hell, I'll google him."

….

Sunday had felt like a last respite before having to face Tom again. If Olivia had felt a little queasy about it before, the thought made her downright sick to her stomach now that she stepped into the school building. Olivia wondered if she should try and talk to him, give some sort of explanation, but the abrupt end of their date through her couldn't be taken back, so maybe she should just leave it alone and let things go back to normal. Or as normal as they could possibly be after everything that had transpired Saturday night.

Footsteps echoing in the hallway, her and Noah made their way towards his classroom. Automatically, Olivia held their breath as they reached the door, seeing him at his desk. As if he sensed her presence, he looked up at her through the pane of glass. Gathering all of her courage she kissed Noah's hair, wishing him a great day before she opened the door for him. „Good morning," she greeted, trying to keep her voice firm.

„Good Morning," he said back but shifted his gaze to her son. „Hey Noah, good to have you here today. Did you have a nice weekend?"

Noah nodded with a toothy grin. „My Mom took me to the zoo, right Momma?"

„Right Champ," she agreed.

„Wow, that sounds pretty amazing. You can tell everyone about it in class today, how does that sound?"

„Yes," Noah beamed, running over to his seat.

With Noah gone, Tom knew he had to face Olivia once more, keep it professional. After all he had promised he was able to separate his job from his private life.

„Um," Olivia started slowly. „Noah's been coughing quite a bit yesterday. It's been better this morning, but if it should continue, it'd be nice if somebody gave me a call. He's been having troubles with respiratory infections, so I'd take him to the Doctor rather sooner than later," she explained.

„I know. We'll keep an eye on it." He sounded detached, Olivia noticed, but not bitter.

„Great. Thanks. I'll… be on my way then." She almost rolled her eyes at that comment. _I'll be on my way then._ Who says _that_?

„Yeah. Have a good day."

„Likewise," she responded. She didn't move for another four, five seconds, looking at him. It has never been this crampy between them. Eventually, she turned and walked away, hearing the door click close quietly behind her.

….

 **9:55 AM Carrie**

 _ **What was the guy's name again? Ed….?**_

 **9:59 AM Olivia**

 _ **Sheeran. Don't you have work to do?**_

 **10:01 AM Carrie**

 _ **Lazy morning here. Practice is closed today.**_

Paperwork was a bitch. Being unable to focus was, too. Dropping the ballpoint pen, Olivia rubbed the bridge of her nose. At this rate she wasn't going to get anything done and unfortunately she cared very little about it. She felt a headache clawing at her and retrieved a bottle of Tylenol from her purse and took one.

 **10:09 AM Carrie**

 _ **Ed Sheeran is kind of cute. Is your Tom a ginger?**_

 **10:14 AM Olivia**

 _ **There's a bit of ginger there, not like Ed Sheeran tho. And he's not my Tom.**_

 **10:16 AM Carrie**

 _ **Did you see him this morning?**_

 **10:19 AM Olivia**

 _ **It's was awkward and uncomfortable. I think he tried to avoid looking at me.**_

 **10:23 AM Carrie**

 _ **I know you don't want to hear it but YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM!**_

 **10:29 AM Olivia**

 _ **I thought about that but he told me not to apologize or explain that night. I don't want to make things worse.**_

 **10:33 AM Carrie**

 _ **That works out well for you, seeing how much you hate to talk things out.**_

 **10:34 AM Olivia**

 _ **THIS is why I dislike shrinks. Gotta go, I actually have to get something done today.**_

 **10:36 AM Carrie**

 _ **Ok. And CALL HIM. Just do it.**_

She wouldn't, she told herself. She would not call him.

She didn't.

…

He had underestimated how hard it would be. Whatever scenario he had pictured, Tom has had no idea it could feel this uncomfortable to face Olivia almost every morning after that night almost three weeks ago. Up until he had disclosed his age the date had been incredible. Olivia Benson had been stunning from the moment he had first laid eyes on her, she had further intrigued him by the time he's sat through an hour long conversation on Noah's progress since he had started preschool but it was when she accepted his dinner invitation and showed up at the restaurant in that dress, that he had known he was about to fall for her. Over dinner he he had been more and more mesmerized by the brunette, but all of a sudden it had blown up in his face. He remembered it well. Remembered her well. The way her laughter stopped and her face froze and momentary confusion washed over her. Tom had hoped she'd recover after the initial surprise, and truthfully, he had been taken by surprise as well, because he could have sworn she had been aware of the age difference from the start. In fact he had considered it was one of the reasons she struggled making a decision whether she should or should not go out with him. He had known it was over when Olivia found an excuse to end the date then and there. Instinctively, he had considered pleading her to stay, but ultimately he wanted to keep his balls and walk away with some dignity left.

Whenever their eyes met these days, Tom's stomach started to twist up in knots. Her voice still made his skin crawl. He always made sure to keep enough space between them and often he distracted himself with unnecessary things to have an excuse not to focus on her. He knew it would get easier in time, but at this point it was still too hard.

With a bottle of Heineken in his right palm he walked to his kitchen, stopping as his phone was buzzing with the arrival of a WhatsApp message. Groaning he turned around, bent over just enough to be able to read the preview.

 **9:54 PM Olivia Benson**

 _ **Can we talk? Olivia**_


	4. The Specs

**Authors note: First things first: thank you for reading and especially to those leaving a review. Which leads to this: I am happily going to post every review, as long as there are no insults etc. and I'm not talking insults towards the writer but in this case the character. Yes, Benson is a TV show character, but there's a human being behind that character, so by reducing the character to his/her body features, like her 'massive thighs' in this case, is hurtful and thus crossing the line - regardless if the person portraying that character will ever read it. So any demeaning comments and reviews will be deleted or not approved in case you're reviewing as a guest. :)**

 **With that being said, Tom is actually a character based on a real life person that is very sweet and dear to me and the story was inspired by Ed Sheeran's 'Hearts don't break around here'. Okay, and on we go :) Reviews are always appreciated.**

...

 _3 days before_

Giddy with anticipation, Olivia pressed the button on the intercom, buzzing her friend in. It's been six years since she had last seen Carrie. She had offered repeatedly to pick the other woman up at JFK but Carrie kept declining, telling her it wasn't necessary for Olivia to take a cab all the way to the airport, especially at this late hour. Opening the door, Olivia heard her footsteps echoing in the hallway and a minute later Carrie showed up, grinning from ear to ear, looking radiant. The blonde let go of her suitcase and seconds later clasped Olivia in her arms, giving her a tight hug.

„Oh my God, it's so good to see you." Carrie's voice carried that same excitement that Olivia had felt all day. After another tight squeeze she took a step backwards, hands attached to Olivia's upper arms. „Let me take a look at you - you're looking fantastic as ever, Liv." In the past six years the brunette hadn't changed much at all. Maybe she has put on a few more pounds, but those curves in all the right places suited her.

„So do you," Olivia beamed, taking in her friend's appearance. Carrie was still as slim as ever, even during her pregnancies she hadn't put on a single pound too much, it had been all her and baby. She had dressed casually for the flight, sneakers, a pair of jeans, a light t-shirt and a thin cardigan. „Let's get you inside. You hungry? I've made sandwiches and there's wine."

„Wine sounds very good," Carrie grinned, letting go of Olivia. She walked back, getting her trolley. Inside she glanced around, noticing not much has changed, except for the box with toys. She had last visited shortly after Olivia had moved into this apartment with Brian.

„Make yourself at home," Olivia told her, putting a plate of sandwiches on the coffee table before uncorking the wine.

„That won't be a problem," Carrie retorted, eyes glued on a picture of Noah. „I can't believe how time flies. Seems like it was yesterday when you told me you were fostering the little guy. It's about time I finally meet him."

Pouring the wine, Olivia quickly glanced in her friend's direction. „He's super excited to meet you. Has been talking about ‚Aunt Carrie' all day." Olivia had started showing Noah pictures of Carrie and her family from the start. Although they've never met, Carrie wasn't a stranger to Noah. They've even skyped a few times in the past.

Carrie made her way over and heavily dropped onto the sofa. „I'm glad you could take a few days off."

„Me too. My number two's in charge until then. I can't promise they won't call me in if shit hits the fan, but I'm going to try and stay positive that they can handle it."

„Are you nervous about it? Letting someone else run everything for a few days?" She grabbed a sandwich, taking a big bite and licking the corner of her lip.

„Not really. Fin's got this. I'd be nervous if it wasn't for him." She held out a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and Carrie accepted it gladly. „How's Martin? And the kids?"

„Oh, they're all doing well. I think he's hating me a little bit for leaving him with two hormonal teenagers but he'll survive."

„That bad?" Olivia chuckled.

„Don't ask. Their rooms look like a hurricane's gone through them and they're moping around all day when they're at home. At least Will's taking care of himself by now, there was a time he thought it was unnecessary to take a daily shower, the house smelled like somebody died in there. She shuddered with memory. „Teenagers - they give you so much," she added sarcastically.

„Sounds like fun," Olivia said dryly.

„Just wait for it."

„And here I thought it would all get better once the tantrums stop."

„Ahahahaha," Carrie laughed half-heartedly. „That's what I thought. It doesn't get better - just… different. Basically, at age 5 they tell you they don't like you and by the time they hit puberty they hate you, unless they want something, they can be such sweet angels when they're begging and making great promises," Carrie snorted. „Mark my words, Liv, the concept of parental love only exists so we survive the first twenty or so years. If we had any idea what we're getting into with those sweet, chubby, squishy babies we'd eat them young…like mice. And you know what the funny thing is? You forget all the bad stuff. Not completely, you remember there were rough phases but I can no longer say how horrible it felt not to get more than three hours of sleep each night for the first two years with Will, or how desperate I truly felt about Theo's tantrums that lasted until he was about eight. I remember all the sweet stuff, those first smiles and giggles, first words, first day at school, all the birthdays and Christmases with bright, excited eyes, the hugs and cuddles. And it's all going too fast. All of a sudden they no longer want a hug or a kiss, they no longer reach for you hand."

„Aw, Carrie… you're getting all emotional," Olivia rubbed her arm.

„I know. I'm glad they're growing up and sad there's no little one in the house anymore. So I'm going to wait to spoil the grandkids rotten some day," she said with conviction, putting on a smile. „So what's the agenda for tomorrow?"

„Well, Noah's got to be in school at 7:45, so we could drop him off together if it's not too early for you and then go for breakfast somewhere."

„7:45's fine, I'm always up at six anyway and breakfast sounds great. Plus I can get a glimpse at the teacher." Shit. Olivia hadn't thought that through properly. Of course ‚the teacher' had to come up again. „How's that going anyway?"

Olivia felt hesitant about sharing. Nothing much has changed in the past couple of weeks. It was ‚Hello' and ‚Goodbye', they rarely exchanged more words unless it was necessary and whatever was important turned out to be school related.

„Same. He's keeping his distance and is all professional." There was a heaviness in her tone that made Carrie look at her glass and take a sip.

„Sounds like that's weighing on you," she said nonchalantly, cradling the wine glass in her hands.

„It's uncomfortable and could've been avoided. I shouldn't have gone out with him. It was bound to end in… whatever this is."

„Have you at least tried talking to him? It usually helps to get things out of the way, you know?"

Olivia shook her head no, pulling up her legs to get more comfortable. She had tried to say something a few times, but whenever she saw him words failed her. She didn't want to upset Tom again or even more. He didn't treat her badly, not any different than all the other parents.

„Maybe I'm just imagining things. I'm no different than all the other parents. Probably he's over it and I'm misreading things. There's no reason for him to try and make small talk anymore."

„If he's over it, he'll tell you so and you can move on without feeling shitty about it every time you two see each other," Carrie suggested. „Closure is a good thing, Liv. And even if he doesn't need it, it seems like you do."

Taking a sip of wine, Olivia rested her head against Carrie's shoulder. Despite the distance it always seemed that nothing at all had changed when they saw each other. Whenever Carrie was around, it was the same as it was almost thirty years ago between them. She could be herself and show some weakness, even though she has never been good at talking about things.

„I've fucked this up already, Carr. If he wanted to talk about it, he probably would've said so."

„Not necessarily. He's the one who has experienced rejection from you. The male ego gets bruised easily. He's probably being distant because he feels humiliated and doesn't want to chance crossing the line with you again. Things might've been different if you wouldn't have bolted that night. Even by talking to him now, what have you got to lose? Things are already tense and awkward, it can't get much worse." She put her head against Olivia's, feeling that she needed the proximity as much as someone to listen. „I understand you, Liv. It's not easy, but running from a heart-to-heart isn't going to fix things for either of you."

„I have my share of embarrassment over this, too. I have no idea how I have not realized he's so much younger."

„You've adapted his age so it fit your expectations. You expected him to be a few years younger, like Brian was younger."

„That was four years, that's a far cry from eleven."

„Not really the point," Carrie gently bumped her elbow into Olivia.

„Then what is the point?"

„With you, I don't know. What I do know is that you've been on an enjoyable date with a man who's company you've admittedly ‚liked a lot' but turned him down because of the difference in age, although you would've had no problem if he were eleven years older. It's almost a little discriminatory," Carrie tried to lighten the mood.

„Not helping, Carrie," Olivia complained.

„I know. Have some more wine, it's a better friend than me."

…

 _I'm never going to drink again. I'm never going to drink again. I'm never going to drink again… at least not past my limit._

It was going through Olivia's head like a mantra and was the only thing distracting her from her hangover and the pounding below her skull. She never should have listened to Carrie and open that third bottle of wine. And the woman staring back at Olivia from the mirror would probably agree she should have called it a night earlier than 3:30AM. Alcohol and 2,5 hours of sleep didn't mix well. Nor did too much alcohol and Olivia. She had known that after the fourth glass she should have stopped, already a little tipsy. The next two had brought about her downfall.

She may or may not have started talking about Tom all by herself, admitting to Carrie that sometimes he wore glasses - she had even described the black frame and shape, oval, almost round - that made him incredibly sexy. Clearly that declaration had been alcohol-induced. A self-pitying recount of all his positive traits had followed, although cute and handsome probably didn't go down to character.

The lukewarm shower had done nothing to revive Olivia. She still felt like she got hit by truck. Her eyes were red and puffy and sensitive to light. She put on more make-up than what was usual for her to look somewhat presentable and popped two Tylenols for the headache. At least she found some comfort in the fact that Carrie didn't look or feel the slightest bit better.

After a quick breakfast for Noah and two mugs of strong black coffee for Carrie and Olivia, the three of them made their way down to Noah's school. The chilly morning air helped Olivia sober up a bit and the pounding of her head was down to a tolerable pain level. As they reached the classroom, Carrie stayed in the background but got to sneak a peek at the guy before Olivia covered the doorway.

Tom sat on a wooden stool, a steel string guitar resting comfortably on his right leg as he finished tuning it by ear as Noah came in, surprisingly as the last kid this time. Usually he was one of the first. „Hey there, Noah. Ready to groove again today?" Tom asked the boy who nodded with his usual toothy grin. Tom looked up at Olivia, offering the faintest smile. She didn't look well this morning, eyes bloodshot and her complexion somewhat ashen, not even her foundation could conceal that.

„You still remember how to clap four beats per bar, Noah?" Tom asked him.

„Yes, four claps," he said as he slipped onto his seat.

„Wanna show your mom?"

„Okay," he agreed.

Tom started to count them in as he fretted the G chord. „And one and two and three and," he started and then gave a strum on the guitar on each count, Noah clapping along with each of the four downstrums. „Perfect."

„Wow," Olivia said, smiling proudly. „Good job, Noah."

„He's got that whole thing down, even counts the up strums," Tom told her. „Noah's showing a pretty big interest in the guitar, too. I was thinking about offering a course starting in August for four or five of the children," he explained.

„That sounds interesting. He's been asking for a guitar last week, now I see why."

„That's the rub. We only have one 3/4 sized guitar here and a course would involve about fifteen minutes of daily practice at home, so you'd have to get him one. I'm afraid a proper guitar, if he wants to keep at it, can be pricey."

„If it's what he wants, I'll make it happen. Are you going to put up a list on the bulletin board?" She inquired. He was wearing the specs today and Olivia was involuntarily reminded of gushing over them a few short hours ago. Luckily Tom couldn't read her mind or else this conversation would be quite embarrassing.

„I will, probably next week. I can put Noah's name down and you'd only have counter-sign, or else it's going to be first come, first served." It was a favor, and Tom knew he shouldn't favor any children, or their parent in this case, but he self-exculpated because Noah clearly showed most interest in the instrument.

„That would be great, I'd appreciate that."

„If it would help, I could tell you what to look for in a beginner's guitar. Maybe if you've got a few minutes to spare the next time you're going to pick him up." Usually the Nanny came to pick Noah up, he rarely saw Olivia come get him.

„Today," she said a little too quickly. „I mean, I'm going to pick him up today."

„Today," Tom nodded. „It won't take much more than five to ten minutes. I can recommend a couple of stores in the city, too."

She smiled gratefully at him, reminding herself that she has had no reason to worry he could treat Noah differently if things would go wrong. „Great. I'll see you later then. Have a good day. Bye Noah," she added, waving her hand.

„Bye Momma."

Closing the door, Olivia turned only to see Carrie grinning at her like a mischievous child.

„What?" She asked as they made their way down the hallway.

„Well, he's kinda sexy. Especially the specs," Carrie teased, the conversations and revelations of the night not forgotten.

„You really do have to rub it in, don't you?"

„Yeah, I do. Sorry, Liv but this time I really do."

They stepped back outside and Olivia took a deep breath, inhaling the still cool air.

„The way he held that guitar…" Carrie's voice was a sing-song.

„What about it?"

„Makes you wonder if that's how he holds a woman," she whispered.

„Oh, stop it." Olivia desperately shook her head. It had been a mistake to take her here.

„I like the beard. Nicely trimmed."

„Yeah, that's new."

„You like them clean-shaven?" She poked her elbow into Olivia's side and she rolled her eyes, knowing it wasn't beards her friend was talking about.

„Carrie, I swear," she sighed heavily. „I'm no longer drunk enough for any of this."

„Don't be a prude."

„I'm not, I'm private. But I'll pretend you are talking about facial hair, so to answer that: I don't really care."

„It looks good on him, and I'm not a fan of beards."

„Can we please not talk about his specs or facial hair? Is that at all possible?"

„Spoil sport."

…

TBC


	5. The Guitar

**Authors notes: Very slowly we might be getting somewhere. For this one I've been listening to Ed Sheeran's 'Save Myself' on repeat because it hurts so good.**

...

Olivia and Carrie had stopped at a diner for a proper hangover breakfast consisting of French toast, bacon and pancakes swimming in maple syrup. It was exactly what Olivia had needed to shut up her queasy stomach. After breakfast they gladly accepted a refill of the strong black brew the place labeled coffee.

„You know, he's been flirting with you," Carrie casually pointed out as she was nursing her coffee, which earned her an eye roll from Olivia who tensed up instantly.

„No, he hasn't." She sounded final.

„Right. So you think he is only trying to do you a favor by putting Noah's name on the list for the guitar course?" Carrie chuckled. „Dream on."

„If anything he's doing Noah a favor," the brunette reasoned, the words mumbled with her lips touching the mug.

„And I'm sure he gave all the other parents a taste of what their children have learned, too, hm?"

„Maybe he has. He's a good teacher, Carrie. He cares."

„I know, I saw the bulletin board, he cares enough to inform them what they've done in the past week. Recorded in writing." They guy might not have been super obvious but Carrie didn't understand how Olivia could misread it.

Olivia wished Carrie would finally shut up about it all. Things were complicated enough, wondering if Tom had been flirting with her not, and Olivia was sure he had done or intended no such thing, was the very last thing she needed. Her regrets were already wide spread. She shouldn't have agreed to go out with him, and when she did she shouldn't have bolted when she had found out about his age. She shouldn't have let him stop him from explaining or apologizing, although Olivia had a feeling she hadn't been about to do either. Probably she would have dished another poor excuse that didn't include how nervous and insecure the prospect of dating someone that much younger made her feel deep down. Granted, the idea of starting something with anyone was scary in general, because it would be the first time she'd date someone who hadn't either been with her during the whole William Lewis ordeal and its aftermath, or in Tucker's case had already known the whole nasty story and what it had done to her physically and emotionally. Mostly Olivia had come to accept lasting the marks Lewis had left on her skin, but that has never entailed having to explain to anybody else. They were part of her and reminded her time and time again that she had gotten lucky, that she had only survived by coincidence. They also reminded her of how helpless she had been up until the point had been able to free herself and overpower him. That she had been bruised and beaten, burnt, dazed by strong alcohol. They reminded her of the darkest and worst in her that had eventually crept to the the surface when she had lost it and brutally attacked her tormentor with the sole purpose of killing him. She had wanted him dead, not only because of every bit of physical pain he had inflicted on her. Lewis had gotten under her skin in ways that hurt more than whatever physical anguishes he could have possibly brought over her in order to break her. She was damaged goods. Not unworthy, Olivia was too intelligent to think she wasn't good enough for anybody. But how could she be good enough for someone like Tom? Someone young and dynamic, someone who could barely imagine the horrors Olivia had seen and endured? How was she to keep up with him when she could barely imagine letting him in? She had absolutely nothing to offer in comparison to women his age and he'd come to realize that sooner or later. Maybe on another date. Maybe when whatever relationship they might be able to form would turn physically intimate and he'd be confronted with a reality check that the body of a woman damned close to fifty wasn't what he had hoped or imagined. She'd never bear him a child, instead he'd have to face first symptoms of menopause. He'd clearly get involved in something he couldn't yet estimate the consequences. He'd come to regret it and it would once again break her heart - if she would even allow herself to let herself fall in love. And she wouldn't. She couldn't.

„Olivia?" Carrie asked again, seeing the far off look her friend has had for the past minute.

„What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening," she said quickly, as she snapped out of it. Olivia felt oddly out of breath but realized her breathing was calm. There was a chill in her bones that made her unconsciously rub her arms for warmth.

„Are you okay?" Carrie inquired softly, reaching over to squeeze the brunette's hand.

„I'm fine. Just tired," Olivia lied, although she was indeed spent.

„Wanna head home and catch a few hours of shut eye?"

„Nah, I just gotta get my circulation going. Let's take a walk, maybe go shopping." Sleep sounded great but Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to rest. She made a weak smile appear and finished her coffee in two big gulps.

…

After a slow forenoon, a quick lunch and a little bit of shopping, Olivia and Carrie picked up Noah in the early afternoon. The school was buzzing with parents getting their children as Olivia ruffled Noah's hair in greeting. „Hey big boy, you wanna go outside with Carrie and wait for me, I'll be out in a few minutes."

„Yes, can we go and have ice-cream then? Please?" The boy asked with bright eyes.

„Sure thing, buddy," she smiled and Noah ran off to Carrie, excitedly telling her the good news.

Olivia waited for a few minutes until the hallway and classroom finally cleared, leaning against the door frame until she got Tom's attention.

„Oh, the guitar thing, right," he remembered. „Come on in." He seemed preoccupied as he still cleaned up. „I'll be with you in a second."

„No hurry," Olivia told him as she entered. She watched him but tried not to be too obvious. As he straightened up she quickly glanced elsewhere. Tom grabbed his guitar that stood in the corner of the room.

„Okay, guitar," he said, gathering his thoughts for a second. „What you want to look for is a 3/4 guitar, Noah should be able to play that comfortably. Any smaller scaled guitar is not going to add to him wanting to keep at it, terrible sound because of the body size. There's steel strings and Nylons. Now, a steel string acoustic comes with a clearer, much more brilliant sound, depending on the processed material some sound more crisp. Basically, the darker the wood, the warmer the sound, all a matter of preference," he explained. „But back to the strings. This is a steel string," he showed her his guitar. „Most people and kids start on a classical guitar and they only come with nylon strings, they are easier on the fingertips but the neck-," Tom put his hand around the neck of the guitar, holding the instrument comfortably. „- is broader, which can make fretting the chords harder, especially with such small hands. It's not impossible, by all means, but it can be more frustrating starting out. Also, you can't put steel strings on a classical guitar, the tension of the strings would be too great on the neck and might actually break the guitar. A steel string, or western guitar has a thin neck, that's easier on the hands and chords are easier to fret but they cut into the fingertips pretty badly, that can be painful for the first three to six weeks, depending how long it takes to build the calluses but after that's over and done with they're a joy to play." Olivia would throttle Carrie. Flirting may ass, she thought. The man was all business and straightforwardly talked about what was important if Noah wanted to participate in the course, plain and simple. Obviously there was no ulterior motive.

„So what would you recommend?" She asked, slightly confused just how complicated it was to pick a guitar. She relaxed a little, trying to let go of the intensity she's been carrying around with her since Carrie had suggested Tom philandering in the morning.

„Personally, I'd go with a steel string acoustic, hurts more but the advantages overweigh, in my opinion. But honestly, you should take Noah to a store, check out both types and let Noah push down on the strings and let him decide what feels better."

„Okay, that sounds reasonable."

„What you should look out for is the action on the strings," he held up his guitar so Olivia could see the profile. „The distance between the strings and the fretboard should be two, three millimeters max," he explained, pointing out the tiny space. „Or else he'll have to push down too hard, strings might not ring out clearly no matter how hard he tries, and he'll wonder what he's doing wrong. There are brands that offer really solid instruments but most guitars have to be set up properly first. Some stores offer that as part of their service, some don't. In that case a guitar builder or guitar repair shop is the place to go, costs for a proper set up range from $80 to $150 but you'll get the best out of your instrument. You'll need a tuner. A proper one usually ranges from $25 to $50."

„Phew, okay," she said. „And a guitar?"

„Well, for a well-rounded instrument… a classical probably not under $200. A steel string is likely going to cost more. I've made very good experiences with a Baby Taylor, I've got one myself as a travel guitar. A Baby Taylor, I think roughly $320, maybe a little more. I don't know the exact price. It comes with a gig bag, which is great since you'll have to transport it for the course."

„Wow. I hope he'll keep at it then," Olivia said heavily. All in all the costs for the instrument exceeded her expectations. Tom wasn't surprised as he noticed that she seemed overwhelmed by the sum but naturally a proper guitar had its price.

„You can always go cheaper, if it's beyond your financial possibilities, but in my experience it can be a hassle. If the Taylor is an option, I could lend you mine for a start, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon." It was crystal clear to him that he was crossing a line again, maybe not with her but with himself. He was once more favoring her. His guitars were dear to Tom and he'd never lend one of them to any other child.

„Oh no, I couldn't. That's very generous but I'm sure you're going to need your guitar and Noah is a toddler who doesn't yet understand the value of money or that guitar, I don't want him to mess it up." No ulterior motive, Olivia kept repeating in her head. He's trying to be nice and help out.

„I'll be fine, I'm not traveling in the near future, and if something should change about that I've still got my Martin backpacker," Tom said easily. „I wouldn't offer it, if I didn't have a backup."

„Just how many guitars do you have?" Olivia chuckled, stunned. It sounded like his backup was also a travel guitar, which would make two. Then there was the full body acoustic he just held.

„Seven."

„Seven?" Olivia's eyes widened. What did anyone need seven guitars for? It wasn't like he could play more than one at a time.

„It's a bit of a thing for me," he said with an easy smile. Tom took a short moment to ponder if he had given her all the information she needed. „Anyway, I suggest if you're still interested in the course, you go and check out a few 3/4 guitars, and if the Taylor is what you think you want to go for - just consider it, the offer stands. He put his guitar down and grabbed a ballpoint, scribbling two addresses on the front and back of a post-it. „These stores have a great selection and excellent service, the guys know what they're doing, too, so that's always a plus. He circled one of them. „If you decide to buy on here, you might want to mention I sent you, they might give you a discount, I'm a regular, has worked a few times, depending on who's around. They have excellent service and will do the set up for free."

„For how long have you been playing?" Olivia asked, accepting the piece of paper. It was a personal question but Olivia was curious and breaking the ice a little couldn't hurt, after all the tension lately was getting to her and she wanted things to go back to normal.

„My father started teaching me when I was six or seven."

„So, you probably play well," Olivia concluded.

„I think I'm not too bad," he smiled, understating it. After thirty years there was little he hasn't tried, and he still loved to sit down and work on things that didn't come natural to him, but in essence there was nothing he couldn't play with some practice.

„Well… thank you To-…," She stopped dead. Was using his first name still appropriate? It felt ridiculous to think of going back to Mr. Tetley, after all they have had dinner. She knew about his favorite book, songs, bands, artist and food. She had learned his funniest adult regret was smoking a spliff at age thirty when he met up with some of his childhood friends and wanted to feel young and cool once more but had ended up hugging the toilet bowl for four hours, puking his guts out whenever he did as much as lift his head.

„Tom is still fine, Olivia," he said warily. „As long as it is for you."

„It is, I just didn't know-," She pursed her lips, feeling lost. This whole thing was so messed up.

„There are no hard feelings, Olivia." Deep down he had never expected her to go out with him, and when she had accepted, he had been aware that a date didn't mean anything. „I wish it would have gone differently, I admit. But it's fine."

Why? She wanted to ask, but she swallowed the question and nodded slowly instead.

„Okay. Well, thank you for… this. Noah will be thrilled," she quickly changed the subject and it allowed her to breathe easy, yet she couldn't quite shake wanting to know why he had wanted something else than a professional relationship between teacher and mother.

„You're welcome," he smiled cordially.

„Well, I'll get going." She felt torn. Like they weren't finished although it was clearly all said and done as far as the ‚How to buy a guitar 101' was considered.

„You do that. Bye Olivia." The smile was still in place but Tom's eyes betrayed him. She saw and sensed something underneath it. Sorrow, she thought. For a few more moments she stood there rooted in her spot, unable to move or take her eyes off of him, but eventually he was the first to tear his gaze away, which made her falter on the inside. Finally, she folded the post-it and lowered her head, making a quiet exit, but she couldn't shake the hollow feeling as she made her way outside.

…

„You've been brooding all afternoon, Liv," Carrie pointed out. Noah was by now tucked into bed and sleeping like a log. They have had ice-cream and not surprisingly to Carrie checked out a guitar store, which only had excited the little boy more. No purchase was made, but Olivia had been flirting with the idea to buy one that the teacher had recommended. For some reason she had decided against it for the time being, though. Ever since then she had been even more withdrawn. She's gone through Noah's night routine on autopilot.

„Not really," she disagreed, pushing the silent reproach away from her. She had been thinking, playing the conversation with Tom over and over, but that was far from brooding.

„Did he say anything?" Carrie couldn't help but wonder if whatever conversation took place in the classroom had stirred Olivia up emotionally.

„He's recommended a guitar, I already told you," Olivia retorted, exasperated that the other woman couldn't let it go. There were a million things they could talk about, but with Carrie it all had to be about Tom. Jesus fucking Christ, why couldn't she just accept that the teacher thing was over. For once and for all just over.

„Why are you doing this to yourself, Olivia?"

„I swear to God, Carrie-," Olivia hissed, her patience wearing dangerously thin. Olivia didn't snap easily, it took a lot to piss her off, but one more word and she'd lose it.

„It's okay, you can get pissed at me, I can deal with it. It's not me you're cross with anyway."

Her head whipped around and one eyebrow jumped, accompanying wide eyes. „What the hell is your problem, Carrie? Hm, what is it? How come you even think this is any of your business?" Her stomach felt like it caught fire and her tone was acid. Black eyes stared back at Carrie and the blonde shook her head.

„I'd like to think that your wellbeing is my business," she said calmly, not taking the bait. „And something clearly must have happened, because up until your little conversation you were okay, all things considered, now you're wallowing in misery. You're trying so hard to pretend that you are fine-„

„Because I am fine," Olivia seethed, but contradicting herself. „I would be fine, if you'd only let this go already."

„You're at odds with yourself. You want to convince yourself you can't go out with the guy because he's too young, because he's Noah's teacher, because you don't even want a relationship at the moment, and I'm sure you can make up ninety-six other reasons to talk yourself out of seeing him again, but the truth is that you can't stop thinking about it. You think you know how it's going to end, so you take it upon yourself to decide for him and normally I don't shrink friends but I'm going to give you a big clue here, Olivia: you're not scared of the repercussion of it not working out. You're scared of what it would mean if it did. You went out of your comfort zone and had dinner with the guy and you liked it. You liked him and I think that scared the shit out of you, and it would have caught up with you either way, but when you realized he's eleven years younger, it hit you then and there and you did what you would have done either way - you ran. Only you're not wholly convinced it was the right choice so now that's eating you up."

„Carrie stop," Olivia said, her voice eerily calm.

„You are scared." The air seemed too thin to breathe and instead of saying anything in return, Olivia remained silent and immobile, staring at her hands. Carrie kept watching her, wondering if she had crossed the line and should've kept her mouth shut, but it physically hurt to watch her friend retreat over all of this. „Why?" She asked after a couple of minutes of silence that felt like much longer.

„Because he would regret it," Olivia said underneath her breath, but the words sounded detached. The reasons didn't matter. What mattered was that there was no sense in even trying.

….


	6. The Central Park Meeting

**And another one. Any mistakes are my own and I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my native tongue. Anyway, the soundtrack for this one were: Philip Poisel's 'Ich will nur' and Pink's 'Glitter in the air'**

 **...**

 **PRESENT**

 _9:54 PM Olivia Benson_

 _Can we talk? Olivia_

It was confusion that hit Tom first and for a moment he felt immobilized. A text message was the last thing he had expected from Olivia, only topped by her actually asking if they could talk. These last two mornings, after giving her guitar advice on Monday, she had barely made eye contact, keeping him wondering what had brought it on. The tension had been palpable and although curious, Tom hadn't dared to ask if there was something wrong. Maybe she simply wanted space and a clean cut, and he had decided that he was going to accept, had to accept, whatever she needed.

He snapped out of his stupor, reaching for his cell, half convinced if he didn't reply quickly she was going to change her mind. In the blink of an eye his fingertip moved across the keypad, typing in a message.

 _9:56 PM Tom Tetley_

 _Of course_

He hit send, nervously looking at the screen as he waited for a reply. It took two minutes until the check marks turned blue, informing him his message has been received and opened. Absentmindedly Tom brought the bottle to his mouth.

 _10:00 PM Olivia Benson_

 _Shall I call you?_

Tom furrowed his brow and wiped his mouth, thinking if it would be out of line if he asked for a conversation from face to face. Then again things couldn't get much worse, so to hell with right and wrong.

 _10:01 PM Tom Tetley_

 _Or we could meet. It's late but it doesn't have to be tonight if you're prevented_

She had Noah, of course, so he didn't expect she could do this now, if she'd accept to meet him at all.

 _10:03 PM Olivia Benson_

 _I'm free…_

 _10:04 PM_

 _Me too. Tell me where to meet you._

Hoping she wasn't going to change her mind all of a sudden he headed to his bedroom, grabbing a fresh sweatshirt to put on as he waited for the beep proclaiming another message. Tom quickly checked his appearance in the mirror, getting distracted as she replied.

 _10:07 PM Olivia Benson_

 _West 72nd/Central Park?_

At a good pace he could be there in twenty, twenty-five minutes.

 _10:07 PM Tom Tetley_

 _I can be there in 30._

 _10:08 PM Olivia Benson_

 _I'll be there_

The next minute was a blur. Tom grabbed his jacket and keys, leaving his apartment only to turn around and fetch his wallet. Once outside he jogged for a couple of blogs before slowing down, catching his breath. He wasn't fully convinced she was going to show up, but carried on with hope as he made his way down West 72nd at a good pace, stopping at a coffee shop to order two hot chocolates. It was a little ridiculous but whenever his mother had sat Tom down for a serious talk the smell of cocoa had given it away before she even said a word. She had always been convinced that everything was easier if it was accompanied by a cup of hot chocolate. Putting six dollars on the counter he grabbed the two styrofoam cups to go. Outside he took a deep breath, allowing the oxygen to fill his lungs.

…

She had been sitting on a bench in Central Park for a half hour before she had been done. She had finally come to the point of needing to know. It wasn't going to change anything, that was the one condition Olivia had decided to contact him on. Whatever he was going to say, it wasn't going to change the fact that she wasn't interested in… anything. In him, in dating. She needed to know why he was at all interested in her, why he had asked her out, why he had wished their date had turned out differently because no matter how hard Olivia had tried, she didn't understand. What had transpired between them was like a 1,5 hour long flirt and it had been over in the blink of an eye. Nothing more and nothing less. He must have known from the very start that the idea of going out on a date was ridiculous. She would make him see it was ridiculous, that all of it was only wearing her out with frustration because it had been such an obvious mistake.

The night air was no longer warm enough, and Olivia put on her thin cardigan to ward of the chill, making her way over to where she had suggested to meet. The uneasy feeling in her stomach intensified with each step and the bigger part of her wanted to run and not look back, to send him one last text telling him she was sorry. But her feet dragged on and on and she only stopped when she spotted him in the distance, maybe two hundred feet away. Her mouth went dry and her heart started racing as she was already fumbling for words. Just when Olivia tried to will herself to keep moving she realized he had seen her and moved towards her with long, quick strides.

…

 **TWO NIGHTS AGO**

 _„Because he would regret it," Olivia said underneath her breath, but the words sounded detached. The reasons didn't matter. What mattered was that there was no sense in even trying._

„You don't know that, Olivia. There are a million things that cause people regrets, but you can't tell beforehand which will and which won't. He's a grown man, he probably knows what he wants or doesn't want."

„This can't be what he wants. For God's sake, Carrie, he could have it all but wants to date _me_?"

„There's nothing wrong with you, Olivia."

„I know there's nothing wrong with me per se," she said, not sounding convinced. There was quite a bit wrong with her, but that was acceptable and besides the point.

„Then what?"

„I am wrong for him. I…I…I don't have the…the body, I will never be able to give him children or… or keep up with him," Olivia fell into a rant. „He probably is a red blooded male, fully in bloom when it comes to his sexuality, and what am I, Carrie? Give it two or three years at best and I'll be menopausal, sexless, moody and sweating like a pig, he'll probably realize that at forty he should hurry up and impregnate a woman - he is a preschool teacher, the man must love kids, he must _want_ kids. So while I'll leave his needs up to him like a cold fish, that'll make women his age look pretty damned good, right? So, he'll realize I was a mistake, he had no idea what he was getting himself into and he'll either leave me, which is very likely, or he'll fuck someone who actually wants to be fucked." Olivia knew that at this point she was being unreasonable, but it all simply bubbled to the surface before she could bite her tongue.

„Wow, you sure have given this a lot of thought," Carrie said. „But one by one, you are a beautiful, intelligent and compassionate woman, Olivia. You definitely are too smart to truly believe love revolves around fucking. So maybe menopause will be a bump in the road, but that doesn't mean he'll regret anything, and who say's you'll have heavy symptoms at all? You might cross that bridge with zero problems, and yes, it's possible, because I'm already there, okay, and I am not a cold fish yet. Plus, he's probably got his own worries when it comes to what he has to offer. You know why? Because that's what we all do. We all worry if it's enough, if we're good enough, pretty enough, that they deserve better."

„You don't understand, Carrie," Olivia shook her head and for some reason she felt like crying. Maybe because she felt cornered, because she was so, so tired of talking about this, thinking about it.

„Yeah, I do. I understand that you're working yourself up more and more. That's why I said you have got to talk to him. You won't find the answers on your own and you can talk yourself down all you want, but it's not going to help, because obviously there's some part of you that wants to believe otherwise."

„Maybe I'm just one of many," Olivia said suddenly. The thought had come up before, but she had pushed it far away.

„What?"

„Maybe he's putting on a show, who knows? He feigns an honest interest, goes on a few dates to bed-„

„Liv, do you hear yourself? Now you think he's doing this just to bed you, possibly among other moms? Come on."

„I said maybe. I don't know what to think."

„Obviously," Carrie retorted. „Did you ever come to think that maybe he just liked you, gathered the courage to ask you out on the off chance that you'd say yes, and that he enjoyed the date? That he doesn't care about the age difference? That he is very aware that if this should go somewhere, you are not going to be able to give him children?"

„It doesn't even matter. I'd mess it up. I always do, don't I? I put work above my personal life, except Noah, of course. I ended it with Kurt because he wanted to move in together and it was too much too soon, I moved in with Brian and ended it because he wanted to little, then there was Ed and things could have been perfect, but when things were about to get serious I walked away," she said, chuckling humorlessly. „Think about that, Carrie. I don't know what the hell I want. I think it's the one thing and when someone is ready to give it to me, I'm letting it all go to hell. I'm destructive when it comes to relationships."

„You are scared and self-sabotage. You've just figured that out on your own, facing the problem is the main part in solving the problem."

„And you're suggesting he should serve as my guinea pig?" Olivia huffed. „Now that's rich advise."

„Of course not. You should tell him that you tend to run when it gets serious and tell him not to let you. Face your problems, Olivia and you could actually overcome them. But there's something else. I don't think that either of your former relationships were meant to last. I'm not saying this one will, but you should at least try and see where it could go, see if it's something you want, truly want despite the insecurities. You've doubted just as much before you started going out with Ed after he's first kissed you. Do you remember what you said to me when you've started dating? That you don't know if it's going to go anywhere, but that he's convenient. _Convenient._ It was doomed to fail, Olivia. Starting to date Brian might have been of convenience, too. You two already knew each other, you liked him, he was important to you and when he got shot…," Carrie trailed off. „But this whole thing with Tom? It's not at all convenient, it took you by surprise, and despite all of the reasons that have accumulated why this is a bad idea, you have agreed to go out with him, and you enjoyed it, you like him, probably more than you've expected. That means something, Liv. It means that it deserves to be given a chance, regardless of where it might go."

„I can't, she eventually whispered, feeling her determination behind it. Carries shoulders sagged and she put up her hands in defense, ready to back off.

„Fine. But I'll say it one more time. At least talk to him, sort it out. You deserve that and so does he."

„I'll think about it." Olivia said wearily, but she wasn't sure if she meant it.

„You do know I love you, right?" Carrie asked, her tone now sweet and compassionate. She didn't want to overstep any boundaries or fight with Olivia, but some things simply needed to be said.

„Yes, I know."

…

 **PRESENT**

Tom didn't trust his eyes at first, but it was in fact Olivia standing there. She had undoubtedly spotted him, too but didn't move, arms wrapped around herself. Since Tom had left his building it had cooled off considerately and the closer he came, the better he could see that she was not properly dressed for the temperature drop. She looked cold and uncomfortable, although he didn't know if the latter was due to the weather. Slowing down for the last few steps, he finally came to stop right in front of her, insecure yet relieved that she had showed up at all.

"Hi," Tom said softly, seeing how torn she looked. It seemed like she didn't want to be here, but maybe it was this whole situation that had her look so miserable. Her eyes seemed pitch black in the dark, despite the lanterns edging the pathway but her lips lifted to something like a hesitant smile.

"Hi," came her cautious reply and her gaze shifted to the large to go cups he held, one in each hand. It didn't go unnoticed, and Tom held one of the styrofoam cups out to her in offering.

"I hope you like hot chocolate."

"I do. Thanks." Olivia gladly accepted the beverage and as his fingers brushed hers, Olivia's heart seemed to skip a beat. She stilled, looking at him, then slowly wrapped both hands around the cup.

"You look cold," Tom stated, starting to shrug out of his jacket without thinking twice.

"I'm fine. Really," Olivia insisted.

"Olivia, you must be freezing. It might be June, but it's a chilly night. Take the jacket, I'll be fine."

"Then you'll be freezing," she argued.

"I'll live," he said simply, draping the item of clothing across her shoulder. Suddenly Olivia found herself enveloped by Tom's smell and it filled her lungs each time she inhaled. For a second his hand rested on her shoulder which made her release an unsteady breath as her stomach fluttered. It made no sense. She didn't have feelings for him, she told herself, deciding that the circumstances were to blame. She was probably oversensitive when it came to Tom Tetley, even though it was just an innocent touch. Or maybe there was some physical attraction, he was a good looking guy after all and the glasses…

God, it was only now that she truly noticed the specs. Of course she had seen them but her reaction to them came belated.

"Do you want to go somewhere warm? A café or a bar?"

"No, let's... I'd rather walk, if that's okay with you." She sounded rattled. Olivia knew she couldn't take it to look at him, she needed something to focus on.

„Okay, let's walk," Tom agreed, and they slowly started to walk further into Central Park. Both of them were silent for a few minutes. Tom didn't want to push her, but he wished she would say something, finally. Although the woman was walking right next to him, Tom felt like chasing a ghost. She didn't turn her head to look at him once, her eyes cast slightly downwards. Occasionally she took a sip from her cup, and it was beyond frustrating. Why were they here? What was so hard for her to say? Eventually, Tom couldn't take it anymore. The silence was driving him crazy, and so was the burning desire to simply… kiss her. He couldn't deny it, ever since that night about three weeks ago he had wanted to desperately put his mouth on her, throw all caution to the wind and get lost in her. Her lips were so inviting, full and rosy, and by God, he wanted to taste them. And it was all her fault, Tom reasoned. She was too beautiful, her smile infectious, the sound of her husky laugh addictive. But kissing her was the one thing he couldn't do, not like this, not when she had been retreating more and more.

„Olivia?" He asked eventually, his voice even and the impatience well masked.

She almost startled as the timbre of his voice cut through the silence. No matter how aware she was that she hadn't uttered a single word yet, she wasn't ready.

„Yes?" Came her conscience-stricken reply.

„Do you… still…?" He wondered if she wanted him to leave, if whatever this was supposed to be was not going to happen.

Despite the sour taste in her mouth, Olivia decided that it was probably time to say something.

„Give me another minute? Would that be okay?" She was buying time, trying to figure out what to say at all.

„Yeah, that's… that's totally okay." He doubted she was going to speak up in a minute or anytime tonight. He looked at her, but didn't see her looking back at him. He wanted to see her, to understand her, find out what was going on deep inside of her. But the truth was, it seemed the longer he was taking in her profile as they walked, the more Olivia seemed to fade into the darkness that enveloped them. And then it was her voice slicing through the silence, drowning their footsteps.

„I keep wondering why." Her voice wasn't as steady as she had hoped for it to be, but at least the words were out and no longer just a prisoner inside her head.

„Wondering…why what exactly?" Tom inquired, softly.

„Why did you ask me out? Why did you hope for our date to turn out differently?" She wanted to understand, to really understand.

A question like that was not what Tom had expected, nor was it one that he had ever been confronted with. Why. Was there a simple answer? One that didn't mean he would have to bare his soul?

„Isn't that obvious, Olivia?" He asked weakly. How could she not know?

„Not to me. I've been trying but I can't seem to figure it out," she admitted quietly.

All of a sudden Tom was grateful they were walking, that he could keep busy as he tried to figure out how to best answer her question.

„I have asked you out because… let's see, I thought you were beautiful. How could a man not notice? Then we had that appointment where we talked about how Noah's developing in school and I've realized that not only were you beautiful, you were also real. No pretending, no excuses, none of all that bullshit. You know your own child, know his strengths and weaknesses and you were honest about them. Most mothers can't do that, it's hard for them to open up to someone else when it comes to the capabilities and limitations of their kids, however normal it is to have limitations. We all have them. You didn't pretend all about raising your son is a big joy, you told me what your every day life is like - that's not a given with other parents but it helps me to evaluate Noah rationally. So that impressed me. I met you at the store weeks later and I've first took notice that I felt attracted to you. I didn't want to cross the line, though, so I tried to get over it. However, that proved to be a little hard, if not impossible because I saw you every morning. And the more I saw you, the more I wanted to get to know you. I've been thinking about asking you out for three, maybe four weeks and eventually decided just to get it over with. And on that date? You were everything I thought you'd be and more, Olivia. You are beautiful, smart, funny, intense. So, of course I wish it had gone differently." Tom couldn't believe how superficial all of it sounded, but he was lacking a better explanation. It was the truth, plain and simple.

Olivia listened and while she felt flattered, it wasn't quite what she wanted to hear. She needed more than that, but maybe he wasn't going to be able to give the answers she was searching for.

„Did you… know I was older?" She had never disclosed her age, but she figured even if he had thought she were younger, by the time she had laughed and eventually realized he wasn't joking about his age, he had known.

Tom blew out a breath, shortly glancing at her. „Well, without trying to sound offensive, I didn't know for fact but I assumed you were older, yes."

„So what did…or do you think how old I am?" She asked. They were talking, so she might as well do it properly.

„That's a loaded question, isn't it?" He asked, chuckling uncomfortably while running a hand through his hair.

„I'm not going to be offended, Tom." She looked at him now and so did he as he shrugged his shoulders.

„I reckoned forty-six, forty-seven," He said truthfully. Olivia stopped walking and so did he. He could see her taking a deep breath.

„I am forty-eight, Tom." Mystery solved. She kept waiting for a reaction, for him to be disappointed but he simply offered a lopsided grin.

„Close enough."

Now that didn't help. If anything it complicated things for her, it made it even more impossible to understand his motivation.

„I don't get it," Olivia admitted. „If you knew, then why? Why would you want to go out with a woman eleven years your senior?"

„No different than why I'd want to go out with a woman my age," Tom said. „I was… _am_ interested in _you_ , Olivia. I figured you're a bit older, I thought about it and decided it's not something that was going to hold me back. It simply didn't matter when I looked at the bigger picture. Age was one factor, and I've thought about and realized that to me it's a non-issue. It doesn't make you any less beautiful or intelligent, it doesn't change that I'm intrigued by you, your whole persona. It's as simple as that." He wanted to reassure her, to touch her and tell her it was alright, no big deal. But he wanted to play by her rules and not scare her away.

„It's not that simple," Olivia argued. „Do you have any idea what it means, Tom? Being with a woman that's closer to fifty than forty-five? What it _truly_ means?"

„I'm not sure what you're asking, Olivia. Just be straight with me, alright?"

„What about family, Tom? What about kids" She asked, looking at him.

That was direct enough to make him sigh heavily, and truthfully, he hadn't seen this one coming, although he should have. „What do you want to hear, Olivia?"

„I want to hear what you think about raising a family. Don't you want children? Obviously you don't hate them-„ she pointed out.

"It's not a factor in this."

"How can it not be a factor? For God's sake, Tom. You might think that now, that it's not a factor, but do you realize it's not in the cards with women my age?" Technically that wasn't true, but Olivia was talking about herself, not women in their late forties who might still be fertile and want children.

"Yes, I am not an idiot, Olivia. I know it's not gonna happen."

"And you're okay with that? Just like that? Just answer the question, Tom. If not for me, do it for yourself. Do you want children?"

"It doesn't matter, Olivia. It's not a factor and that has nothing to do with you or your age."

„Then what?" She pushed, although she sensed his hesitation.

„It's not in the cards for me, either," he finally admitted, calmly. It wasn't something he had wanted to talk about on a walk or anytime soon, but what was he supposed to do. He could've gotten angry. He could have walked away. Neither would have helped the situation.

His words had to sink in first and Olivia instantly regretted provoking an answer when she realized what he was saying. In fact, she felt embarrassed for displaying that kind of behavior. „I… I am sorry. I shouldn't have… I didn't think…"

„You couldn't have known. But Olivia - what I mean by it isn't a factor is… even if I could procreate, it doesn't mean that I'd be any less interested. At least I don't think so. I like you. That's a fact. I like you just the way you are, and I wouldn't want to change a single thing about you."

„Tom…"

„No, let me finish," he interrupted. „I thought our date was great. I think you felt comfortable up until I told you I was thirty-seven, and I swear, I thought you knew I was quite a bit younger or else I would have told you beforehand, because I'm upfront like that. I have received the message loud and clear, Olivia. My age is a deal breaker for you, and I'm going to accept that. I have to accept that. But I didn't go into this blindly. I've thought about it for a long time and I was willing to go out with you with my eyes wide open. I knew about your age. I know you have a son who is your whole world. I know you have a demanding job. I also know you are fascinating, and it sounds corny but you took my breath away from the second I first laid eyes on you. But more than that you still take my breath away. Whatever problem you see, I was ready to face them with you. And I can see that you are insecure, you have been ever since our date ended. I don't know why, I don't know if it was just because you thought I might want children or if it's something else. And trust me, I have my own insecurities. Because I am your son's teacher, because you've probably have got more wisdom in different areas. But if I have learned one thing it's to live life to its fullest, and no matter what, I don't regret meeting you, I don't regret having gone out with you, and I won't regret when I'm asking you to reconsider, Olivia. I want to get to know you. Really get to know you, the good and the ugly. The question is… will you let me?" He had stepped closer to her, almost closing the space between them entirely. It was tempting to just reach out and caress her face but he merely gazed at her, waiting for an answer.

„Olivia…" He whispered.

His monologue made her head spin and he was standing so close to her, too damned close because it felt hard to breathe and she couldn't think. Olivia's heart was beating out of her chest and she could hear the beat of it pulsating in her ears. There was a tiny part of her that wanted to give in, to him, to the weakness. Give in and simply let her head fall forward, against his shoulder, hide her face in his neck but then there was also the bigger part of her that wanted to hide somewhere far away, somewhere Tom would never find her. She did neither. Instead she stood frozen in her spot, unable to say something. To say anything.

…


	7. The Denial

One and a half hours before

Olivia had never felt like suffocating between those walls that were her home, until today that was. She literally could no longer breathe, couldn't hear herself think despite the quiet. Carrie was sitting on the sofa, reading a book while she herself couldn't rest, couldn't stop doing _something_ , even if it meant slowly pacing the small space of her open kitchen. Carrie had glanced over a few times in the past fifteen minutes but Olivia had managed to ignore it. It was pointless, she knew. It wasn't normal that she felt so goddamn restless. For her whole life, Olivia had been pretty damned good at avoiding conversations, at turning away, running, sitting things out and eventually the issues would either go away, or they would stop to matter. She was searching and she didn't know what for. Answers, maybe. Clarity. Some tool that would help for all of this to go away.

Carrie had been talking a whole lot up until the previous night and although her advice had always been sane and reflected, it was neither good nor bad because Olivia still had a choice to make. Talk to Tom or shut her eyes, block it out. She was running in circles, literally as well as figuratively.

She had avoided Tom these past two mornings, has avoided even looking him in the eye. It was a coping mechanism, only it failed. She was still too aware of him, his presence, his voice, eyes. And even with her avoidance at full force, she had noticed that Tom hadn't known which way the wind was blowing because the last time they had talked about what was important in a guitar things had seemed normal and solid. As normal as could be expected, at least.

The sun was starting to set and Olivia crossed her arms, stopping in her tracks to look out the window for a minute or two, and then she couldn't take it anymore. She had to get out, had to just breathe.

„Do you mind if I went for a walk?" Olivia asked stoically.

Carrie took her eyes off of her book, glancing at the brunette. In fact she didn't mind at all because the pacing had gotten distracting and annoying. „You go."

„If Noah-,"

„We'll be fine. Go. If there's an issue I'll call you."

Pursing her lips, Olivia gave a curt nod. She grabbed her cardigan, stuffed her keys in the back pocket of her jeans and grasped her phone, fingers wrapped around it firmly.

Once she shut the door behind her, Olivia almost fell into a jog and outside, enveloped by the sounds of the still busy traffic she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then released a shaky breath. Glancing left and right, Olivia wasn't sure where to go, so she simply started walking, directionless. For a few minutes her mind was perfectly blank and she shuffled her feet. She was warm, the chilled air had little to no effect on her. It was only when she reached Central Park that she allowed herself to stop and take in her surroundings. Maybe, she thought, she would keep walking. To Strawberry Fields or maybe until she'd get out on the other side of the park on East 72nd. But she as spotted a bench, Olivia changed her mind and walked over, sitting down. The intention was to only catch her breath, but in the end she didn't move, didn't want to move. The cold now made her flesh crawl.

Every now and then couples and joggers passed her by but Olivia barely took notice. She felt like talking to the dark, like screaming at it until her lungs would give out, until her throat would burn. Because of Tom she was no longer functioning like she used to, like she should. Not because he has such big effect on her, that wasn't it at all, she kept insisting and reasoning with herself. It was only that she didn't understand what the hell he wanted from her. She could ask but was reluctant to open that box. It was pointless. She might as well lock that thing up, bury it and throw away the key. She should walk away and never look back.

She didn't have to try only to find out the hard way it isn't meant to be. And she had no romantic interest in him, anyway. It had been nothing but a little flirtation that night, laughter, food and wine. Maybe some attraction. Talking to him would make no sense, she might as well leave him be. Soon enough another woman would catch his eye and spark his interest and he'd never waste a single thought on her again. And someone else was ultimately better for him for a million and one reasons. She could tell him that. Simply tell him that it all was a big mistake, that she's not right for him, that she could never love him like he'd deserve, no explanations needed. Better yet, she could say she hadn't really been interested to begin with. With no foundation to build upon, he'd realize it was futile to go out on another date.

Angrily fingers clenched to fists, nails dug into skin. She wasn't lonely. She didn't need love. She had Noah and that was enough, had to be enough.

She wasn't strong enough to admit that she was shitting herself.

The night was getting darker as the minutes passed and Olivia wanted to shut every thought of Tom down. And she wanted a drink. Badly. Some strong poison that would settle deep within her and spread warmly throughout every last fibre of her being, lulling her into sweet oblivion. The only thing that kept her was the loss of her drive to move from the spot.

She gave up fifteen minutes later as her vision blurred with a threat of tears. All she needed to know was why he was even interested in her, for her own peace of mind. Unlocking her phone and opening WhatsApp, she started to type a message.

…

PRESENT

Her eyes and her mouth. Her eyes and her mouth were all Tom could see. Her lips were close, so close, he'd merely have to tilt his head forward and he would kiss her. It would be easy, ludicrously easy. But he did no such thing as she gazed back at him. His eyes were pleading her to say something and in hers he could see confusion and surprise. And underneath that whirlwind of emotions he also saw fear. Only he didn't understand what she could possibly be scared of. Faltering she averted her gaze.

„I'm sorry but I can't," she said after long moments. Tentatively, Olivia took a step back, needing to put some distance between them because he was so dangerously close.

„Why?" He wanted to know. He sensed there was something between them, some pull, chemistry a connection. He couldn't just be imagining it.

Olivia couldn't look at him, couldn't face whatever she might read in his features and eyes. „I'm just… not interested in you," she lied, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. Her shoulders sagged and she took yet another step away from him, from the situation. From them. „I really am sorry," she apologized guiltily, the volume of her voice barely above a whisper. She pulled off his jacket and he wordlessly took it from her.

He watched her intently and pondered her words, but Tom couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't being honest. He couldn't be that much of an idiot. If she had no interest in him whatsoever, then why the back and forth? Then why did she need answers from him? Why would the reason he had asked her out matter? Why would her age matter or her questioning if he knew what it meant to date someone her age? He didn't buy it. She couldn't even look at him and tell him about her alleged lack of interest. She retreated more and he let her. Maybe it wasn't worth the energy he was investing. He should probably let it go and move on, the same way she was obviously moving on.

She turned away when she felt the bite of tears. It was all said and done, there was nothing more keeping her. Her feet started to move just in time and she quickly brushed a tear away as it fell. Olivia didn't even know why she was crying. There was no reason at all. It had been an emotional rollercoaster lately. That must be it, she told herself. She was fine. This was what she had wanted.

It was the right thing in any case.

…

Tom exhaled, unaware of the breath he had been holding until his lungs were screaming for oxygen as she walked away. His hand fisted the hair on the back of his head, an act of frustration. He wished he would care less, but the truth was that he felt completely lost. Maybe he had tried too hard. He should take her word for it when she said she wasn't interested in him. He should go home instead of standing here like a lovesick puppy and watch her walk away from him. But every bit of reasoning failed with him.

He started to walk and fell into a jog, following her, and from about a hundred feet away he started calling out for her. „Olivia!"

He could see her body stiffen and she slowed down for a moment, but then kept walking.

„Olivia!" He called out to her again, his legs moving faster as he caught up with her. „I'm not buying it," he told her when he was a mere twenty feet behind her.

„Tom-," she said with resignation.

„Look at me." She didn't stop walking, if anything her pace picked up a little. „Dammit, look at me, Olivia," he said with irritation. That seemed to show some effect because she finally stood still.

She closed her eyes, her breath staccato. Why didn't he just leave her be? What did he still want? Didn't she make herself clear? She almost winced as her resolve was starting to crumble and as Tom stepped around her, facing her, something inside her cracked. All of a sudden she felt drained and tired.

„You're not interested?" He asked, and his voice was surprisingly calm. There was no reproach in his tone, he just needed to know, needed to hear it from her again, or else he was not going to believe it. And if she would repeat it, he'd take her word for it and let her go.

She couldn't speak. Try as she might, no word came out. It had been simple before, at least in comparison, but now she couldn't even think. It felt like Tom had disarmed her and now she was vulnerable and defenseless.

„Then why, Olivia?" He pushed gently. „I will let you go, but at least tell me what is is? Just my age?"

„It wouldn't work," she whispered. „It's not you, Tom. It's me. You'd regret it." Olivia didn't know why she told him this. Why it was so hard to repeat that she wasn't interested. She was not yet able to face that she was interested, least of all admit it to Tom. Why had he decided to come after her, confront her? No man has ever followed her when she had brushed them off or ended things - not that there was something to end, yet. Nothing had even begun.

„And how can you be so convinced of that?" He asked. He needed to keep her talking before she'd shut him out again but he only got a shrug in return. The truth was, Olivia didn't know why she was so convinced. Mostly she was scared. Of opening up to him, to anyone. Letting him in.

He exhaled heavily and shook his head. „You're frustrating me to no end right now," Tom admitted and put his jacket around her once more. „We're going to go somewhere warm now. You must be chilled to the bone.

Something in her wanted to protest but as she felt Tom's hand on the small of her back, ever so gently guiding her towards West 72nd Street, she gave in and simply nodded.

…


	8. Apartment 2F

Tom hailed a cab as soon as they left Central Park. No way was he going to let her walk another minute in the cold. He slid into the backseat of the taxi after Olivia and she looked confused as he gave the driver his address.

„Don't worry, I just want to talk and make sure you'll get warm. I won't keep you for long. But if you'd rather be dropped off at your place, then that's okay with me." It wasn't okay with him at all, but obviously he couldn't take her to his apartment against her will. Although Olivia seemed to be a little wary, she didn't object.

The ride was mainly spent in silence until the driver stopped in front of Tom's building. Tom paid and they quickly made their exit before he let them into his building. They took the stairs to the second floor and he led her to 2F and unlocked the door. „After you," he told her softly, inviting her into his home. Olivia stepped in, instantly feeling warmer. His living room wasn't bigger than hers, maybe even a little smaller. For a bachelor's pad it was decorated quite nicely, although a female touch was obviously missing. There were no flowers, she spotted one photograph in total of a younger woman. On the wall to her right there were four guitars held by wall brackets. There was a neat sofa and a small coffee table, an empty beer bottle forgotten on top of it. The place was tidy, at least as far as Olivia could see. Tom closed the door behind them, dropping his keys in a bowl on top of the sideboard by the door.

„Bathroom's through there," he pointed at a door. „Would you like some tea? Coffee?"

„Tea, please," she said hesitantly, still scanning his living room.

„Coming right up. Make yourself comfortable." He disappeared in the small kitchenette and Olivia could hear him move about as she stepped closer to look at the photograph, wondering who the woman might be. Maybe an ex, or a good friend," Olivia caught herself thinking.

She moved on to the other side of the room, checking out the four guitars on the wall. One of them them looked pretty worn and badly scratched. Stepping closer Olivia very lightly picked a string with her index-finger and startled at how loud it rang out. She felt embarrassed for touching his things unasked, even more so when she realized he stood in the door as he spoke. Olivia's heart leaped into her throat for a second.

„She was my first, got it when I was nine," Tom explained. „Got a little banged up over the years," he smiled fondly. He didn't seem to be upset that she touched it.

„She?" Olivia asked.

„She's special, deserved a name," he laughed. Olivia seemed to relax a little, he could tell that she felt caught as she noticed him. „And don't worry about touching them, they're meant to be played on and that's not always gentle," Tom assured.

He disappeared once more but only for a few seconds, returning with two steaming mugs of tea. „Sugar?"

„No, thank you."

Tom put both mugs on the coffee table and grabbed the beer bottle to dispose of it. He gestured for Olivia to sit, which she did, and because he didn't want to corner her, he grabbed a cushy pillow and sat on the floor, something that wasn't foreign to him when he had more than three people over. He watched Olivia intently for a few seconds, and she was obviously nervous and insecure. He wished he could take that away, like he was able to on their date. But by now things have grown a lot more complicated.

„Are you warm enough?"

„Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for the jacket." She barely looked at him, feeling like she was under scrutiny.

„Olivia, can you look at me? Please?" He asked, dealing with her as gently as he could. He watched her struggle but she slowly lifted her gaze. „I'm a little lost here, to be honest," Tom confessed. „I don't want to be pushy, I really don't. I'd like to understand what's going on. I can take no for an answer, and I don't want to overstep but I think there's something there. Maybe not much but-„ He groaned because he didn't want to ramble.

„I'm already making your life complicated," Olivia laughed humorlessly and it felt misplaced, even inappropriate.

„I just wish you would talk to me and stop shutting me out."

Her eyes closed briefly and she furrowed her brow a little bit. „Some things aren't easy to talk about."

„I understand that. There are things I don't like to talk about, at least not this early on. But I'd like to get a rough idea what this is about."

Olivia kept silent for a little while, thinking about his words. She took a sip of tea and cleared her throat quietly.

„I still don't understand why you're interested in me. Mostly because of my age," she admitted. „I think I would belie your expectations."

„What kind of expectations do you think I have?" Tom asked, looking at her.

„Diverse," she shrugged, not daring to bring up a subject like her body or sex yet.

„That's too vague, Olivia," he frowned and saw her bow her head for a moment.

„I don't… have the body of a thirty-five year old anymore, so there are a few insecurities right there." Her voice sounded small and she wished the ground would swallow her whole. Tom looked up at her, chuckling lightly.

„That's what you're worried about? Olivia - by all means, your body looks fantastic, I don't really see what could possibly disappoint, and I'm saying that comfortably without having to see you sans clothes. I don't expect, nor want a woman with a mannequin figure. If you think you'll disappoint by your standards, then so will I."

„Have you been with someone my age before? If the answer is no, then I don't think you can judge yet." She challenged.

„Wow," he exhaled. „Olivia, I don't see a woman as a piece of ass and frown upon them if they don't come with perfect breasts or a skin and bone figure. A body is a small piece of the puzzle but it's not necessarily crucial to finding someone wholly attractive, and trust me, I find yours very attractive in itself from what I can see. But there are other things that add to it, like character traits, trust, a good heart or if we want to paint the big picture: love. A body is just that. A body. I want a person, Olivia. Not just something flawless to look at, but someone to lose myself in and cherish, carnally and emotionally," Tom clarified. He was a little bit offended. He wasn't some chauvinistic pig that reduced a woman to their looks and their ability to clean a house and bear children. Tom exhaled shakily, trying to get rid of the anger he felt crawling beneath his skin, not wanting to scare her away even more. „I don't care about flaws. I have my own, physically, character. We all do. Nobody is perfect, and a perfect body is as ephemeral as life," He said calmly.

For the time being, Olivia was put to silence, and honestly, also a little stunned and fully embarrassed. So much so, that she turned a healthy color of red in the face and avoided eye contact.

„And as for everything else? It can be figured out. I'm not even thinking in the long run, yet. In a best case scenario it can go there, but right now I just want to get to know you, no strings attached. We can go at whatever pace you need, Olivia. I can deal with whatever insecurities you might have, but don't walk away from me if that's all stopping you."

He waited for her to say something but all she did was wrap her hands around her tea cup. She saw her lashes flutter as her gaze met his, and deciding that he's given her food for thought, he relaxed slightly. She had never been generous with quick answers, and this time there hadn't been an open question. He took in her appearance, realizing she wasn't even wearing make-up and he could still get drunk by her sight.

„If you want I'll take you home now," he offered softly, seeing her breathe a tiny sigh of relief and he couldn't get the measure of it. Was it a good or bad sign. However, she didn't move to get up.

„I suppose I could finish my tea first," she said slowly, and he thought the action in her face was adorable. There was no obvious smile but the corners of her mouth lifted ever so slightly and the storm behind her irises calmed, making her eyes light up and come to life like he had last seen them on their date.

„I suppose you could," he agreed with a smile.

„Do you always sit on the floor?" She asked out of the blue. It was strange, but he looked perfectly comfortable.

„I wanted to give you some space, actually but yeah, I'm sitting here from time to time when the sofa's taken. It's actually quite comfy."

Olivia nursed her drink, both hands wrapped around the warm beverage.

„Who's the woman in the photo?" She asked slowly, still wondering. Tom's eyes flitted to the framed picture on the shelf.

„That would be my sister," Tom said fondly. „I took this one in Dublin. We went on a trip to Europe when we were twenty-five, it was pretty cool."

„How many siblings do you have?" Olivia asked, feeling most comfortable with small talk.

„Three, two brothers and her."

„No pictures of your brothers, though?" She hoped she wasn't going to get in hot water seeing that her relationship with Simon wasn't the best, better said non-existent at this point. She had wanted to be part of something, of someone so bad by the time she had found out she had a half-brother that she would have given anything. Sadly, Simon had been too unstable, they never truly kept in touch and he basically only called when he needed something or got into legal troubles. Eventually she had given up and accepted that she was still on her own.

„Becca's my twin, it's sort of a special connection."

„Ah, I see," Olivia said. A twin sister. That was interesting.

„So, you two are close, hm?"

„Pretty much, yeah. We must have been awful growing up, there was always a partner in crime. My mother always said she had wanted a whole football team up until she had us. We kept the entire family going," he chuckled. „We sure fucked around a lot, always covered up for each other. Still do, actually. What about you? Any siblings?"

Olivia wasn't sure if she wanted to delve into her family history anytime soon, but figured it was safe to answer that one. „A half-brother but we're not in touch. It's a long story," she brushed off and finished her tea. It was late and about time she got home. She was actually surprised that Carrie hadn't gotten in touch yet, but maybe she wanted to give Olivia some time and space. Noah usually slept tight and through the night, so he probably hadn't given her friend any trouble.

„I think I should get going now," Olivia said, putting down her cup. „Thank you for the tea and jacket…"

„I'll drive you home," Tom offered, quickly getting on his feet.

„It's fine, you really don't have to."

„I want to. I brought you here, I'll take you home." He sounded final and wasn't going to compromise on it. He could see Olivia was more than ready to keep arguing about it but her shoulders sagged with defeat.

„Just this once," Olivia gave in. It was pretty cold after all and she had no money on her for a cab ride, either. It were only five blocks, but even that could be a hassle with the temperature and just a thin cardigan to ward off the cold.

„Fair enough," he retorted easily when in fact he was thinking ‚we'll see'. As Olivia wanted to get the mugs he stopped her. „Leave that, I'll take care of it later."

„Okay," she agreed, quickly making sure there her keys were still securely in her pocket and she had her phone on her.

Tom's car was parked a minute walk away and she guilty hoped he would find a parking space when he would get back. He opened the car door for her and closed it when she was sitting in the passenger seat.

„So, where do we go?"

She gave him her address as he started the car.

„Thank you. For the lift, I mean. How do I return the favor?" Tom glanced at her quickly as he got in line with the traffic that luckily wasn't as disastrous at this late hour.

„You don't," he told her simply. „It's not a favor, it's a matter of course." It was in Olivia's nature to argue but she was lacking the energy.

The drive was short and as he stopped the car in front of Olivia's building, Tom wished he could've driven all night, in silence if needed.

„Well," Tom said letting that hang between them.

„Thanks again. And sorry for…"

„Olivia, stop apologizing. There's no need to. But I'd really… like you to do some thinking. Everything I said tonight is true and I am asking you to reconsider. But no matter what you decide, there are no hard feelings."

„You really don't make this easy for me," Olivia admitted, pushing back a strand of her hair. She couldn't say that he has changed her mind, but some things were a little clearer. She needed to digest tonight's events, do some thinking, play it over in her head. The urge to run was still there, if not in full gear, not right now.

„I'm afraid it's in my nature to be a bit of a pain in the ass," Tom answered with a cheeky grin. „But really, Olivia - don't avoid me again come tomorrow morning. I can do with professional distance but the silent treatment really makes it hard to do my job." Olivia nodded, feeling conscious-stricken. She knew it was uncomfortable and not fair. Being distant was one thing, cold-shouldering someone, that was another story.

„I will mind that," Olivia promised, and Tom felt positive about it. „I should…"

„Yeah. Yeah, it's late. Sleep well, Olivia," he said softly. He wanted to reach for her hand, better yet, her cheek, stroke his thumb across it and run his fingers through her hair. It took all of his willpower to stop himself and keep his fingers tightly wrapped around the steering wheel.

„You too," she said back as she bashfully cracked an appreciative smile before she stepped out of the car. She raised her hand to wave farewell and closed the car door.

….


	9. The Invitation

**ONE WEEK LATER**

Stepping out of her office, Olivia's plans to go and get some lunch at the bistro around the corner were annihilated as Amanda got off the phone.

„Liv, DNA results came in, not surprisingly they're a match," Rollins informed her, rubbing her forehead with two fingers.

Dale Bernstein had been in holding for fifteen hours, Fin, Rollins and Carisi had taken turns questioning him on the alleged rape of thirty-two year old Viola Filter but it had been the same story over and over. He claimed it had been consensual and he had no idea why she was crying rape.

Olivia has been over it with Barba, but he didn't want to press charges. It was the classic He said - She said, and although Olivia was convinced Viola was in fact a victim with all the signs and the physical injuries, the fact that they had met in a sex chat and exchanged rather expressive private messages made things complicated.

Dale was a smug bastard, taunting them because he knew they'd have a hard time with the prosecution. He was so self-assured, that he didn't even think it was necessary to call a lawyer.

„Then we better get something out of him," Olivia said, taking off her glasses.

„He sticks with his story. They met online, were in touch for a couple of months, engaged in cyber sex until they agreed to meet in person to ‚fuck' as he puts it." They knew that much was correct, but whatever had followed was iffy.

„Fin still with him?"

„Yeah, in three," Rollins nodded in the direction of the interrogation room.

„His other contacts on that website?" Olivia inquired.

„TARU's on it, but up until now there is no indication that he's met with someone else, just very explicit messages. They're not through yet, his inbox is overflowing and they're tracing his activity on other platforms."

„Tell them to put a rush on it," Olivia said before turning on her heal, headed for the interrogation room.

…

Bernstein had been a piece of work and naturally Olivia had not gotten any further with him, either. He had smugly held a monologue about how women loved to be taken, needed a man who would tame their inner beast, even though they were all acting coyly outside the bedroom. His recount of the events had been sickening, simply because Olivia didn't believe it was consensual. Not with all the bite marks, the vaginal violations and bruising that were inflicted on Viola Filter. She believed it when the woman had admitted under tears to meeting Bernstein with the intention to have sex with him, but has ultimately changed her mind minutes after they had met in the hotel room because she had a funny feeling and he had been coming on too strong. That Bernstein had solicited her when she had wanted to leave and eventually overpowered and raped her.

When Olivia had gotten into his game, he had started to taunt her that she wouldn't understand, that she was way too uptight, probably frigid, and her ‚snatch' probably bone dry these days. Yes, he had been a real Charmer, that one. Not that it was something Olivia hadn't heard before, after almost twenty years in SVU she had actually been confronted with much worse.

By the time she had gotten home, they were still at a blind end and unfortunately running out of time. They'd have to talk to Viola again, and probably tell her that there was nothing they could do, circumstances that made Olivia incredibly angry. She tried to shake the case off during dinner with Noah and enjoyed some extra cuddles when it was his bedtime, recharging her batteries with proximity and love to get through another day. With one arm wrapped around her son's small body, her nose and mouth in his hair, Olivia inhaled his sweet smell deeply, focusing on all the good things. On how much she loved Noah, how much she had enjoyed dinner with him and hearing about his day. For the time being only this moment existed with her and Noah cuddled up in his bed, his breath slow and steady with sleep. Tomorrow morning they'd stop for breakfast at a bakery, have a cupcake and cocoa before preschool. She'd revel in his smile and the way he'd tell her goodbye from his classroom. She'd see Tom and…

Olivia gave herself a bit of a scare. Where did that thought come from? Ever since that night they had met at Central Park and ended up at his place to talk, Olivia had avoided thinking about him. Actually, that wasn't true, she has had too little time to think about anything at all. After three days off for Carrie's visit, Olivia had gone back to work and the case load had her busy from morning until the late afternoon. And when work was done and she was home, her sole focus was Noah and spending some quality time. Of course she still saw Tom every morning, and she no longer avoided him. A couple of times they had exchanged a few friendly words, but she was in a bit of a hurry both days. And now she had caught herself thinking of him, caught herself thinking that she was looking forward to seeing him for one or two minutes in the morning. To seeing his smile, hearing his voice greet her and wish her a good day.

 _Bummer._

She kissed Noah on the top of his head before she carefully climbed out of his bed and left him to sleep. Funnily, Tom was still in the back of her mind. What did it mean, that she was now thinking about him? That she felt just a little bit excited to see him in less than twelve hours? He was a good looking man, that wasn't news to Olivia, she could admit that and had done as much as she had gotten drunk with Carrie. She had explicitly told her friend that there was just something about him and that she almost felt a little bit weak in the knees when he was wearing his specs, that they were beyond sexy on him. But more than that, Olivia slowly got the feeling that he was simply a really good person, attentive and sweet, confident and with a lot of charisma. He complimented her and it wasn't over the top, he was funny and made her laugh easily. Thinking about it now, she felt awful for pushing him away. He hadn't asked her for anything, all he wanted was to get to know her. And if Olivia was being honest with herself, she wanted to know more about him, too. She was intrigued by him, he affected her in ways that nobody had in many years and that was scary. So scary, that Olivia was awfully hesitant to simply allow herself to like him.

No longer as deluded as before, Olivia opened a bottle of wine. She thought about calling him, but couldn't quite convince herself she should, finally deciding against it as she had finished her glass. Instead she took a shower, put on her nightwear and slipped into her bed, falling asleep with Tom on her mind.

…

Olivia couldn't help but openly smile as she saw Tom, and she felt strangely captivated as he returned it. „Hey," she greeted softly. „I see the list is out."

As he had offered, Tom had already put Noah's name down and the list was by now full.

„Yeah, you just gotta put your signature there and he'll be ready to roll come August," Tom agreed. „Do you need a pen?"

„Oh, yes, that would be helpful," she agreed.

Tom grabbed a ballpoint and walked out into the hallway to where Olivia stood in front of the class's bulletin board. He sensed some kind of change in her, but couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. „There you go."

„Thanks," Olivia said, accepting the pen. She quickly put her signature in the field next to Noah's name, then looked at Tom, and on the inside she felt a little bit unsettled. She bit the inside of her lip and quickly glanced around, seeing no one else within earshot. „Well, I was thinking and… I was wondering if maybe you'd like to do coffee."

That almost knocked him out of his socks. Tom had hoped she would come around, but if he was being completely honest he didn't expect it would happen. The surprise must have been evident on his face, because Olivia gave a small, nervous laugh. „You look stunned."

„I… I am," he admitted. „I'd love to do coffee." He'd love to do whatever she wanted to do. Coffee, dinner, another stroll at night in Central Park. As long as she was going to be part of it, there was nothing he wasn't willing to do.

„Okay." She was glad she had asked, knowing otherwise it would have been on her mind all day. „Noah's going to spend his Saturday afternoon at a friend's house so I'd be free then."

„Saturday sounds fantastic." Who was he kidding, anytime would be appealing. He would gladly throw all plans over board for her. After he had taken her home, Tom had been convinced they'd never meet outside of school again. That for whatever reason, she was too insecure, too scared, or maybe not interested _enough_ to want to get to know him better. He hoped that maybe he could make all of this go away, if only she'd give him the chance.

Olivia shyly glanced down for a second, then looked at him again. „Well, I have to get to work. But… I'm looking forward to Saturday. You could check Yelp for a place." It was a lame attempt at a joke but Tom laughed, glad she was coming out of her shell.

„You know, I think I will actually do that."

„So… until tomorrow then."

„Until tomorrow, Olivia," he responded softly, watching her walk away, and Tom couldn't help but smile to himself.

…

The weather on Saturday was fantastic, the air was warm, the sun was shining and there was no single reason to sit inside a café on such a beautiful summer day. Although Tom had sent Olivia a message with a place to meet on Friday, he had decided to call her and ask her about a change of plans. The parks would be buzzing with activity, but that wasn't the worst thing. He had gotten ready about half an hour ago, although there was still some time left until 2:30 PM when he'd meet Olivia. He would see this as what it was - not a date, but simply a chance to get to know her better. He'd take it slow and easy with no further expectations.

Grabbing his phone and went through his contacts until her name caught his eye and he dialed her. She picked up on the second ring.

„Tom, hey," she said, sounding out of breath. She figured he was about to cancel, maybe something else had come up for him.

„Hey, listen, I know we planned coffee, and I guess we could still do that, but the weather's lovely, so what do you think about meeting at Central Park? We could grab something to go there."

„Yeah sure, that sounds good," Olivia agreed. She had just dropped Noah off at Amanda's who was going to take the kids to the Zoo. Her plan was to take a quick shower and take some things to the dry cleaners before she'd meet Tom at the place he had suggested the day before. „Want to meet at West 72nd again?"

„2:30 at West 72nd, got it," he confirmed.

„Great. Later then," Olivia smiled, hanging up. She was actually looking forward to this afternoon and wasn't as nervous as she had been before their date. It would be casual and the overall feel was more comfortable for her this time.

An hour later, freshly showered and casually dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and a thin dark blue cotton cardigan, Olivia left the dry cleaner's. She checked her phone, realizing she better hurry or she would be late. She could take a cab, but figured hailing one was going to take longer than she was willing to wait. Walking at a good pace, she reached their meeting point, seeing Tom maybe fifty feet away, waving at him as he spotted her. She was almost ten minutes late, apologizing as she reached him.

„I'm sorry, I probably should have left earlier," she said. He looked good in a pair of chinos and simple T-shirt.

„Don't worry about it," he assured warmly, reveling in her presence. „I'm glad that you've made it, that's all that counts. Wanna go someplace to grab coffee, maybe something to eat?"

„Yeah, let's go," she agreed. They slowly started strolling through Central Park, the sun warming Olivia's face. There was a gentle breeze, just enough to keep her from sweating.

„So, Noah's on his playdate?"

„Yeah, he's with a colleague and her daughter, she's decided to take them to the zoo and takes care of dinner, which is nice for a change," Olivia chuckled. „My cooking's… leaving room for improvement," she explained. „So, I'm grateful for every meal I don't have to cook on weekends." They often had take-out on weekdays and sometimes Lucy threw a little something together when Olivia was getting home late.

Tom thought she was fascinating. A mother who admitted to not being a great cook wasn't something he came across often, and it seemed she didn't feel the need to learn either from the sound of it. „And I thought it's the men that can't cook."

„With my hours I never had the drive to learn, it was easier to grab something somewhere and take it home," Olivia admitted. „Plus I was alone most of the time anyway, and cooking for myself held little appeal. Since I've had Noah I'm cooking on weekends, mostly easy pasta dishes but I hate the clean up."

„You bake then?" He asked. „I once heard people who can't or don't like to cook have a thing for baking."

Olivia snorted, certainly not backing up that theory. „My baking is actually much worse than my cooking."

„In that case you'll love the upcoming bake sale," Tom teased.

„There is an upcoming bake sale?" Olivia dreaded these things. She'd probably order a cake or two, that's how bad she was at it.

„Yeah, I think in September or so. It's an annual thing."

„Great," she groaned. „Thanks for the heads-up."

„It's actually quite stupid, it's no longer about raising money but more of a contest who turns in the prettiest cake," he explained. He never got this silent competition between mothers, although it could be amusing to watch.

„I can tell you who's not," Olivia scoffed.

„I can tell you that makes you very congenial," he smiled, glancing over at her.

„Or outlandish," Olivia spoke to the contrary.

„Not to me," Tom said honestly, and he thought he saw her blush a little as she dropped her gaze.

„What have you been up to before meeting me?" Olivia asked, curious what a Saturday looked like with Tom.

„Not too much, actually. A little bit planning for an upcoming project at school, then I jammed for an hour or so, had a quick lunch, got ready to meet you. You?"

„Long breakfast with Noah, then we were at the playground, had lunch at a diner before I dropped him off. And well, some cleaning, which was my least favorite part."

„I can see how that holds little appeal," he winked.

„Really? That's almost hard to believe with how tidy your place is."

„Sadly some things need to be done," he shrugged.

„Were you born here?" Olivia asked, curious where he was from.

„Long Island, actually. „I've lived there up until… I think four years ago. Yeah, four."

„What made you move?"

„Work. Among other things," he said.

„Long story?" Olivia assumed, asking cautiously.

„Not really. I needed a change. I was going through a separation at the time so a change of scenery made sense. Then I got the job offer and the school's pretty amazing compared to the former institutions I've taught at. So all in all it was the best decision I could have made." He felt comfortable as part of the city. He played with the thought to maybe move back someday, but for the next ten or so years he saw himself in The Big Apple. His job was secure and paid exceptionally well compared to other places. „How about you?"

„I'm a real New Yorker," she teased with a smile. „Born and raised here."

„Did you ever want to live anywhere else?"

„Hawaii maybe, that would be tempting. But other than that, no. This is home," she said. However unstable her life had been, New York had been a constant. Olivia couldn't imagine to live anywhere else. Her heart and history were here, her very few roots. She indulged in the thought for a little while as they walked on. The weather was fantastic. They have had many warm days since May but the temperatures were slowly climbing up now and it actually felt like summer.

„Did you always want to be NYPD?" Tom asked after a couple of minutes.

„No, I didn't. I was thinking veterinarian for a while but well, things happened and suddenly it was crystal clear," Olivia shrugged, but wasn't ready to explain further. Her family history was complicated and she wasn't yet ready to disclose that her being a product of rape left her with no other choice than wanting to help victims of sexual crimes.

There were questions that she wanted to ask him, but Olivia wasn't sure if it was the time yet. Maybe they were too personal. Then again, she didn't want to feel like she was avoiding perfectly normal questions, either. „Were you ever married?"

„Nope, but almost engaged once," He said sheepishly.

„Almost?"

„I had the ring but before I had the chance to pop the question - well," Tom said heavily, not sure how much he should disclose. „I don't think you wanna hear about that."

For some reason Olivia did but she didn't want to push, either. „I wouldn't mind if you wanted to share." This didn't have a date feel, so hearing about a former relationship wouldn't feel as weird.

„We had our problems, but I guess I was a little naive. That wasn't her fault, actually, I am probably an obstinate optimist," Tom chuckled, scratching the back of his head. „Basically, I didn't attach as much importance to our situation as she did, or I was too positive to think we weren't going to get over a rough patch. To cut a long story short, she had an affair, I eventually found out and as I said - naive -," he explained, pointing at himself. „- I wanted to work it out, I would've forgiven, or at least I would've tried to but she wanted to move on with the other guy. That's it."

„I'm sorry," Olivia offered.

„Nah, don't be. It takes two, I may not have cheated but I've taken some things for granted. Not deliberately, I wasn't aware when I should have been. But it's okay. As far as I know she's happier now, so that's a good thing. And I've learned a couple of things along the way. To take things more seriously next time. And in the end, I think everything happens for a reason. We were probably just not meant for each other. There was a time when I didn't see it that way but honestly? If we had gotten married, I don't think we would've made it in the long run."

„I think you're the first man who doesn't hold a grudge after he's been cheated on," Olivia admitted. She had a feeling that men could be very bitter if their ego was hurt like that, and she's seen her share of marriages turned sour because of adultery through the years.

„I'm not that good. I did hold a grudge for quite some time, it took time for me to reflect the whole relationship honestly. It helped to put the distance between us." He came from a rather small town, not in the sense of the word, but after the separation he had still run into his ex or friends and relatives of hers constantly. „But enough of that," Tom smiled. He was over all of it and didn't want to revisit that part of his past with someone he was interested in. „Let's get some coffee on West Drive," he suggested. There was a food cart that also offered coffee in Central Park between West 74 and West 75 Street.

„Alright," Olivia agreed and they walked over. Due to the weather it was pretty crowded.

„Cream, sugar?" he inquired as they stood in line.

„Just cream."

They had to wait about five minutes until they got their coffee and kept on walking with no hurry. Even the moments of quiet between them were comfortable this time, nothing had a forced feel to it.

„Is there anything you're really passionate about?"

„My job," Olivia answered without having to think about it. „Maybe it sounds strange, but I couldn't imagine to do anything else."

„So, that's where you see yourself in the coming years, huh?" Tom asked, wanting to find out about her plans.

„Hopefully until retirement," Olivia nodded with a small smile.

„You kind of warned me that if something came up work-wise you might have to cancel our date or leave early," Tom pointed out. „That happen often?"

„It did when I was dating more actively and was still a Detective. It's not a 9 to 5 job, we work when there's work, sometimes three days straight with short naps in between. Dating wasn't always easy, for different reasons. Some couldn't deal with me canceling a date or cutting it short when I was on call, some… let's not go there," she shook her head.

„Now you've got me curious, come on, do tell," he chuckled, not sure what Olivia was getting at.

„I don't know how to explain it but I guess some thought that the job was a turn on for me - or it was for them. When they found out what I do for a living eventually the questions would start if I liked to use handcuffs in bed, or if rape scenarios turned me on," she cringed a little. „Then again, that helped to weed out the pervs. I guess it's one thing to have certain fantasies, but quite another if real rape cases do turn you on, not that I understand either," Olivia explained.

„That's sick," Tom sounded disgusted, his brow furrowed.

„Yeah, it is. It wasn't the majority of men I've gone out with, but it were a few. And a lot of those that were left couldn't deal with the hours or the fact that I couldn't make them a priority when we had cases that made demands on my time, which in a way I understand, it isn't easy to play second fiddle forever."

„Is that what it is? A man would always come second?" Tom wanted to know, just to get an idea what it would mean to be with her.

Olivia took a deep breath, thinking about it for a short moment. „Well, yes and no. Yes because I have got to do what the job requires me to do. If there's a serial rapist on the lose, that's a worst case, and we're running against the clock, I simply can't put my private life first and say… go on a date, have dinner, catch a movie, go on vacation," Olivia explained. „I have a squad to run, decisions to make, be on the scene. No because I'd put my private life first whenever I actually _can_ put it first, and that would include a partner. It's a balancing act and it can only work if the person I am with can understand that."

It was reasonable. Olivia had a demanding job, Tom knew that. And it was a job that he thought was incredibly brave. He couldn't imagine to walk in her shoes and be confronted with the lowlives of the city, to see so much hurt and darkness. He didn't even want to imagine. He figured, if it came down to it, he could deal with not always being the first priority. In a sense it was for a greater good. Spotting a vacant bench, Tom drew Olivia's attention to it. „Wanna sit for a little while?"

„Sure," she agreed, taking a sip of coffee. They got as comfortable as possible and Tom turned to Olivia to be able to look at her.

„I still can't believe you don't have a favorite movie. Nothing that ever stuck with you?"

She laughed, throwing her head back just a little as the sound scattered around them loud and full. „You can't get over that, hm?"

„Not really," admitted. „It's surreal. Everyone has a favorite movie."

„I barely get to watch an entire movie," she shrugged. „Noah's up until 7:30, sometimes 8:00 PM, I try to go to bed early on weekdays because I have to get up around 5:00, sometimes I still work from home to get paperwork done, and watching alone, nah," she made a face.

„I should give you the Tetley-Movie-Night experience," he said mystically. „Any movie would be a favorite of yours." Movie night had always been a big deal with the Tetley family as Tom grew up.

„Is that so?" Olivia asked, the words coming across as a challenge.

„I bet," he nodded fully convinced.

„Your Momma teach you you shouldn't make promises you can't keep?" Came her tease in return.

„Doesn't matter, what matters is, would you accept an invitation?" He grinned, trying to keep it light, but it was obvious that the question itself was the invitation, and deep down Tom was wrecked by the inner tension as he hoped she wouldn't decline. He noticed Olivia's demeanor was getting a little more serious and she seemed to give it some thought as she tore her gaze away from him, taking in their surroundings.

„Think it'll be worth my time?" She asked after a short while, having a sip of coffee.

„I'll make it worth your time."

„No horror, no stupid comedies," Olivia attached a condition.

„Better yet, you bring the movie."

„I thought I'd bring the popcorn," she sighed dramatically, making a long pause. Picking a movie would be overwhelming, especially since she wasn't in the know when it came to the quality of whatever she would decide on.

„Popcorn's for rookies," Tom scoffed.

„Fine, I'll pick a movie and there will be no complaining if it's a bad one."

„So, it's a date?" She lowered her gaze coyly at the question, once more thinking.

„Yeah, it's a date."

….


	10. Ode To The Family

**Author's note: Sorry that this one took so long, I'm in the middle of my exams at university so there's a lot to study and too little time. I apologize for any mistakes.**

...

Except for the mornings Olivia dropped Noah off at school, she hadn't seen Tom for a total of four weeks. Their movie night had been postponed twice. Once because Noah had gotten sick and thrown up all over her a day before their date, and knowing her child would be puking his guts out all weekend - she had been right about that one - she had wisely informed Tom she wasn't going to make it. The following weekend, for which Tom had suggested a rain check, Homicide had called her to a crime scene on the ride to Tom's place. Although her cancellation had come on very short notice, he had been understanding, although he sounded disappointed.

Tonight, Olivia hoped, nothing was going to get in the way. Noah was good and healthy and about to eat dinner with Lucy. Fin was catching, so unless there would be a crime that demanded her presence at the crime scene, the work aspect was covered. Tom had checked in with her thirty minutes ago, to make sure tonight was still on. Inwardly, Olivia had winced at the question. Postponing twice had been somewhat uncomfortable but inevitable. A night out seemed like a good prospect. Armed with a movie, well, seven in fact, Olivia was more than ready to get out of the house for some distraction. And if she was being honest with herself, she was looking forward to the company, too. Tom's company, specifically.

Kissing Noah goodbye and goodnight, Olivia grabbed the canvas tote bag that held the night's entertainment and her wallet, and because she didn't want to show up with nothing, she had packed a bottle of wine for good measure. Wine didn't fit her movie selection, but probably that didn't matter.

During the cab ride, Olivia was starting to feel curious about the Tetley-Movie-Night-Experience, as he had called it, wondering what he had in store. Inwardly she chuckled, figuring the movies would not be something he'd expect. Honestly, she hadn't expected them either, but it had been a pretty good deal and thus an impulse purchase. At least she no longer had to rack her brain, or worse, do research on what movie was good and fit the occasion. She killed two birds with one stone, and who could blame her for taking the easy route with this?

No twenty minutes later, Olivia stood in front of Tom's building. A woman around her age just left through the entry way and with quick steps Olivia reached the door just in time to slip in. Before she took the stairs, she felt the overwhelming need to check her appearance, but for the lack of a mirror she simply walked on. Reaching apartment 2F, she took a short moment to collect herself and knocked one, twice. Listening closely, she could hear his footsteps approaching and seconds later he swung the door open, greeting her with a big smile.

„You've made it." His words sounded like a tease, and it was obvious that he was happy to see her.

„That surprises you?" Olivia asked, as he invited her in with a gesture of his hand.

„Yes and no. Let's just say that I'm glad you're here." He winked and closed the door after she had stepped into his living room. Stepping closer he helped Olivia out of her jacket and hung it on coat-tree by the door.

„Thank you," Olivia said as her gaze shifted and her eyes settled on the film projector.

„Seriously?" She chuckled, but she felt like applauding the effort. Despite his rather big flat screen TV he had gone through the trouble of connecting his notebook to a projector, the white wall serving as a screen.

As Tom's eyes followed Olivia's gaze and made out the source of her chuckle he shrugged his shoulders innocently. „All part of the experience."

„You've got a movie projector?"

„Technically, no. I've borrowed it from school for this occasion." He didn't want to come across like he was trying too hard, deciding to add something. „I thought it would give a bit of a cinematic vibe." That wasn't his intention at all. Well, maybe a little bit, but mostly Tom had wanted it to be somewhat special, not just two people watching a DVD on his TV screen.

Olivia nodded with a smile. She couldn't say that she didn't like it. It was nice to know someone was making an effort because of her and it made her feel warm inside in a way she hadn't experienced in a long time.

Tom stepped closer to her and took her bag, putting it on the couch. „Come with me," he told her as he led the way to his kitchenette. With a glance across his shoulder, Tom made certain she was following him, and indeed Olivia was trailing close behind him until they were both in the small space. The kitchen was tiny and it reminded Olivia of her very first apartment, although that one didn't even come with cabinets that certified as an actual kitchen.

Taking everything in, Olivia's eyes settled on the countertop. There was a glass bowl with a lid on it holding dough and around it small bowls with chopped vegetables and what looked like shredded mozzarella.

„We're making pizza?" She assumed, because it was the first thing that came to mind.

„I wasn't sure what you liked, so I figured I'd put together a little bit of everything," Tom explained, opening one of the cabinets to retrieve something that looked like a filthy cutting board but turned out to be a pizza stone that had aged well and built a patina. He wasn't exaggerating. There were bell peppers, red onions, mushrooms, broccoli, sweet corn, kidney beans, fresh tomatoes, olives, pepperoni and grilled chicken strips, as well as a bowl of tomato sauce, it's aroma filling Olivia's nose.

„Isn't all this a little much?" She asked.

„What's left over will go into a salad," Tom shrugged easily. „So, is pizza okay?" He had been thinking about what kind of food to offer long and hard. He didn't want for it to take up too much time. A pasta dish had crossed his mind, but for a night that was about a movie it probably had too much of a dinner feel to it. He thought about a selection of finger foods and then figured he could order a pizza, which then reminded him that he could simply make a pizza with her because he wasn't a fan of most pizza places unless they served authentic Italian pizza.

„Homemade pizza is always okay." There probably wasn't anything better than a good pizza with fresh ingredients. It was an unconventional idea. Olivia wasn't sure if this counted as a date, or if she even wanted to think of it as a date, but whenever she had been invited to a man's apartment and there was food involved it was an actual cooked dinner accompanied by wine and candles and the whole shebang. This however was different and pretty much perfect. It didn't feel like a forced atmosphere that could possibly border on uncomfortable because the guy's efforts felt like he was expecting more than Olivia was willing to give but it didn't lack consideration, either like ordering food would. She hadn't expected there'd be dinner included but seeing all the veggies, Olivia's mouth watered.

„Great, let me roll the dough and then let's go crazy with the topping." He pulled off the lid and used a spatula to carefully get the dough out until the leavened lump dropped onto the pizza stone. Tom expertly rolled out the dough within a minute, then let Olivia take over, who washed her hands first.

Tom almost released an audible breath of relief as she stepped away. The proximity in his much too small kitchen was unbearable. It made him think of things. Made him want to do things. Like… reach out and push back a strand of her hair. Or touch her. Kiss her. He focused on his task more than what was necessary, only to calm himself the fuck down and not think of what his lips might feel like against hers.

„Put whatever you want on it," Tom told her, his voice sounding a bit strange to his own ears, as he started to get more bowls in different sizes.

Olivia started wondering where he stored all that stuff in the tiny kitchen. She started to spread out tomato sauce on the dough, then sprinkled cheese on it.

„What are you going to do with all those bowls?" She asked, glancing over as he opened a narrow door that turned out to be a pantry.

„You'll see." He rummaged about for a little while until he retrieved a rather full bag from the store room. Although Olivia was busy with the pizza topping - bell peppers, mushrooms, sweet corn and grilled chicken - she threw him a few side glances from time to time, seeing Tom open box after box and bag after bag of candy and snacks. Gummy bears, salt water taffy, Milk Duds - which he mixed with peanut butter M&Ms - Oreo's, regular double chocolate cookies, Sour Patch Kids, Pretzels, a can of Pringles, a bag of Buggles and finally he pulled out a bag of corn. „You like your popcorn sweet or salty?" He asked.

Olivia was overwhelmed and by now simply stared at the amounts of sweets and snacks. „Are you serious about this?" Olivia asked in return, not answering his question.

„Why, what's wrong about _this_?" Tom furrowed his brow but chuckled.

„You're going to end up with an upset stomach," she pointed out. No way was she going to eat any of that. Well, maybe she would snack on the pretzels and steal a few gummy bears but most of the sweets he was pouring into the bowls was stuff she hadn't eaten in God knows how many years.

„Well, twenty-five years ago that was kind of the point," he laughed. „It's not about the amount, but the large choice," Tom explained. Those were his best childhood and teenage memories - movie nights at his house, when his mother would make it a huge, unhealthy feast with whatever candy and snacks she could find at the store. His siblings and he would sometimes eat until throwing up, well, at least the first few times, they did eventually learn how much was too much. By now he didn't even have a sweet tooth anymore, but once or twice a year he'd catch a movie with his sister, and they let the old tradition live up.

„Sour Patch Kids?" Olivia asked incredulously.

„Gross, I know," he grinned, showing perfect teeth.

„If they're so gross, why did you buy them?"

„It's a love-hate relationship. They're gross but I'll eat them anyway, and yes, I'm absolutely going to complain about it as I do." He said that with so much obviousness, that Olivia could only shake her head and snort.

„You're a strange man."

„No objection there. So, sweet or salty?"

„Sweet, if that's okay with you, but you don't have to make popcorn, doesn't seem like I'm going to starve."

He ignored her comment and started to take everything to the living room, then turned on the oven for the pizza and got a pot for the popcorn. „What would you like to drink? There's um… water and beer in the fridge, iced-tea. If you want I could make coffee or hot chocolate, I even have the marshmallows to top it off," he teased, quite sure that Olivia wasn't the kind of woman for hot chocolate garnished with mini marshmallows. The pizza stone went into the oven and the corn into the pot.

„I was afraid you'd only have twenty different sodas," she joked, although in part it was true after she's seen all the candy. In a way all of this was insane, but funnily Olivia thought it was… sweet. Literally. She assumed this was like what it must have been at his home, growing up. Why else would he call it the the ‚Tetley-Movie-Night'? It was exorbitant and crazy, but it probably was a family tradition, something Olivia never truly experienced in her own home. It had only been Olivia and her mother and nothing ever seemed important enough to be repeated. Except maybe Serena's binges, that was a tradition of sorts, she thought bitterly.

And now here she was, and Tom let her be part of something that was special to him, something that held a meaning much bigger than she could probably comprehend until after tonight. Olivia felt a pang of guilt over her initial reaction to all of his candy purchases. He wasn't doing this for himself, at least she couldn't imagine that he did this each time he was watching a movie. This was for her, the movie projector, the pizza, the masses of pure sugar - because she didn't have a favorite movie, at least none that she could think of. Because there was just too little time for her to watch TV. Because somehow watching a movie on her own was not appealing. This was for all the reasons she had told him were to blame for her lack of interest in flicks. She'd let herself enjoy this. She could do too much sugar. She could throw caution to the wind and let herself have a night of fun. She could definitely let herself be reminded just how gross Sour Patch Kids were and complain with Tom.

„The hot chocolate actually sounds good," she smiled hesitantly. The last time she's had marshmallows in it was probably in College.

„Really?" Tom asked, narrowing his eyes. It that was a bit of a surprise.

„Really. Can you do extra marshmallows?"

„Absolutely. Coming right up. Why don't you go to the living room, I've got this covered here," he told her as there was a _pop_ coming from the pot, followed by a second and third before it turned into a concert of corn popping.

„Do you have a corkscrew? And wine glasses?" She asked. They might as well have an Italian drink to Italian food.

„In the drawer over there and wine glasses are in the cabinet right in front of you." Tom watched her gather the things she asked for as he grabbed another pot for the hot chocolate and got the milk from his fridge and only when Olivia left his kitchenette and headed to the living room he relaxed. Had she noticed his tension? He had wanted it to be an easygoing evening. Making pizza together had seemed like a fun idea but he had underestimated the impact that her presence would have on him in this tiny room. As much as he knew he wasn't going to push or try anything, he was only a man and he wasn't blind - and sadly and fortunately at the same time - Olivia was gorgeous. She smelled fantastic, a mix of her perfume and a whiff of lavender that probably was either her body lotion or her shampoo. He hadn't dared to find an excuse to lean in any closer and get to the bottom of it. It really took all of his willpower not to make an obvious pass at her. What sobered him up a bit was the realization that however much he felt attracted to her, there was no obvious sign that his presence affected her in the same way. He knew that this probably wasn't a date. Not in a romantic fashion, but if he was being honest he had been hoping it could have a date feel. It's been a month since they've last gotten together, and their walk through Central Park had been nice and easy. Maybe a sort of friendship was all that was going to develop. Time had passed by and there was the chance that Olivia was only here because she had already canceled twice and simply wanted to be as good as her word.

Absent-mindedly he poured milk in the pot and turned on the heat, chastising himself for his thoughts. What was he even thinking about? Maybe she was here simply because she wanted to be here. She didn't seem to be in a hurry, nor uncomfortable. It was time for him to start thinking rationally. Olivia was here. Neither of them had communicated that this was a _date_ date. Conversation seemed perfectly normal and she hadn't bolted from his apartment yet. Whatever hopes he had, Tom would simply have to push them aside and focus on the fact that tonight was about watching a movie together, have a good time and find out more about her if she'd let him.

…

Olivia sat on the couch when he approached with two mugs of hot chocolate, offering him a smile. She had opened a bottle of wine and the mugs barely fit on the coffee table anymore.

„Pizza should be ready in a couple of minutes," Tom informed her as he powered up his laptop. „What are we watching?"

„Promise not to laugh?" She pulled the tote bag closer to her, feeling a little hesitant about her choice now.

„I really wish you wouldn't ask me that, because the question alone implies that I'm probably going to have to laugh." As the laptop booted, Tom sat down on the couch next to her, leaving enough space so she wouldn't feel crowded by him. „Is it _that_ bad? Pretty Woman? Dirty Dancing?"

„I'm not a cliché," Olivia rolled her eyes, eventually pulling out the DVD box set. „It was a good deal," she quickly explained but Tom was already laughing whole heartedly.

„Harry Potter?" He wanted to stop laughing, he really did, but she had caught him completely off guard with this one. Among all the movies in the world he never would have imagined that Harry Potter was something Olivia would choose.

„I wanted to know what all the fuzz is about and it was cheap."

„And I am strange?" His laughter slowly died down as he took the box from her, looking at it more closely.

„If you've got a better idea-," she said, shrugging. She didn't feel offended, and she truly didn't care if he wanted to watch something else.

„No, no, Harry Potter is fine. Never watched any of the movies, so let's unravel that mystery," he decided. „Which one?"

„The first, obviously," Olivia rolled her eyes.

„That looks like an actual children's movie, though," Tom frowned upon a very young Danielle Radcliffe.

„Then that should fit the occasion, because your table looks like we're about to have a children's party," Olivia smiled, reaching into the bowl with gummy bears and popping one in her mouth. It seemed to be a knockout argument, making Tom raise his hand in surrender.

„Point taken," he said, opening the DVD case of ‚Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone'. He inserted it and closed his drive, connecting the laptop to the projector. „I'll have to darken the room." Tom got up and lowered the blinds so the beamer was the biggest source of light as it projected his desktop onto the wall. „I'll check on the pizza real quick."

„No hurry, we've got seven movies to watch in the near future, I've got time." Right now Olivia was glad not to be in a rush. She had a night to relax, and she was absolutely going to try and enjoy the luxury that time for herself was. Olivia didn't notice the way Tom was thrown off by her words. He had not expected that her bringing a full Harry Potter movie collection meant she was planning on watching all seven - at least not with him. He had convinced himself that the most he could hope for, was to take it one date at a time. In his fear to screw this up, he kept his mouth shut and didn't ask for a clarification. What if they'd both hated the first movie? Maybe her statement would be invalid, unless they'd simply decide to watch something else next time. He quickly made his way to the kitchen and the pizza looked perfect. He carefully took the stone out of the oven and cut the pizza into nine squares. The crust was thin and crispy brown and Tom made a mental note to thank his mother for the pizza stone of these days because no cookie sheet in the world brought out such great results. Her ravings about _The Pampered Chef_ products could be bothersome and Tom had told her countless times not to buy the overpriced crap in bulks for him and his siblings, they all were more than capable of taking care of their own kitchen equipment but that stone, he had to admit, was a great addition to his kitchen. Tom put quadrangle of pizza on each plate, careful not to burn himself.

„Do you need flatware?" He called out.

Olivia looked around. The table was cluttered with small glass bowls, a big bowl of popcorn, two wine glasses and two mugs of hot chocolate. Even if she wanted to eat with a knife and fork, there was no space to do so. „No, thanks, hands will do."

Tom ripped off two paper towels and made his way back, holding out one of the plates to Olivia while he put his own on the couch to start the DVD. „Careful, it's still very hot."

„Thank you," Olivia said, accepting the plate of food. It smelled fantastic, the aroma of the sauce and mozzarella cheese making her much more hungry.

Tom opened iTunes and started the DVD and then grabbed his plate and sat down next to Olivia. „Well, here's to Harry Potter," he smiled easily, picking up his mug of hot chocolate and marshmallow topping. Olivia did the same and both took a sip. The beverage was phenomenally sweet but reminded her of her childhood and some college days she's shared with Carrie, mostly times one of them had been heartbroken or lovesick. She never did this anymore, too disenchanted to think it made anything better but somehow, for that moment the drink was in her mouth and slid down her throat she felt like home, like everything in this world was fine for a couple of seconds.

The movie started and Olivia laid back against the rest of the couch, relaxing with her plate in her hand.

Taking a first bite of pizza five minutes into the movie, Olivia had to admit it was really good. „The pizza's fantastic," Olivia complimented. The crust was crisp and the sauce as aromatic as it smelled.

„It is," Tom agreed, glancing at her with a smile.

„So, this is what movie night has been like at your house when you were growing up?" Olivia asked, curious about it.

Chewing, Tom nodded, only speaking as he had swallowed his bite. „Pretty much, yeah. It must have started when I was around seven years old. My sister wanted to desperately stay up for a movie that was going to be on and usually we weren't allowed to watch TV after 8PM. So, our parents surprised us kids with something very close to this. The whole family had enjoyed it, so they've made it a regular thing," he explained. It was one of his best memories, all four kids scattered around the couch with pillows and blankets, his parents on the sofa and masses of sweets and soft drinks. For a kid it had felt like a piece of heaven. As overbearing as his mother could be now that he was an adult, she was an angel by all standards, loving, caring, devoted and open. She hadn't cared as his oldest brother had come out at age twenty, and twenty-seven years ago homosexuality was mostly frowned upon and wasn't acceptable for most parents. Who was Tom kidding, for a lot of people it was still a major problem the moment it touched their own family. But their mother had openly embraced it and didn't care as long as her son was happy. His dad had a bit of a struggle with it for a few years, although he had never openly said anything against it. Tom and his siblings could always bring friends over, and later girlfriends and boyfriends. While his mother was nosy, she knew not to embarrass them when the man or woman was around. He really had no reason to complain about his parents, and the fact that Olivia was older - if anything should ever progress past what it was now - didn't worry him in respect of them meeting her. Him and Becca being the youngest kids, they would never be able to shake the _Babies of the family_ status. They basically could do no wrong, if history was any indicator.

Olivia listened and tried to imagine what it must be like to have siblings and a loving home. Not everything had been bad at her home with her mother, there were good times and she had felt loved, but often it had been complicated, especially in Olivia's youth. And her mother's alcoholism had made things problematic, always casting a dark shadow over things. There was never a true father figure in her life. Of course she's met some of the men her mother had dated, and she even liked two of them a lot, but her mother's baggage had been too much to make those relationships work long term. „That sounds nice," Olivia told him, shortly glancing at the TV screen that showed Harry Potter's life at the Dursley's home. Although fictional, Olivia was glad she never had to experience anything like the young boy in the movie. Serena had loved her and Olivia had felt loved most of the time.

„It was. My Mum can be a little overbearing at times, but well, I can't fault her for that, she's a Mom after all," he shrugged with a chuckle. „She's pretty great."

„Sounds like it," Olivia smiled.

„What about you? Any traditions in your family?" Olivia hadn't yet talked about her family, except the mention of a half-brother that she's not in touch with. But as soon as the question was out, he noticed a mood shift, although it was subtle. Olivia seemed to tense a little and the smile faltered.

„Not really. I don't have any family left, either. It's just me and Noah." She didn't want to delve into it with Tom, not yet. The little she was willing to give away, would never paint the actual picture of her family tree.

„I'm sorry to hear that."

„It was just my mother and I. She didn't… have it easy, so I guess making traditions wasn't on the top of her list." Olivia would do better with Noah. She wanted traditions for her son, things he'd remember fondly and maybe keep alive when she would be gone. „But this is nice," Olivia said honestly, pushing her family history aside.

„You think so?" He doubted it after her initial reaction in the kitchen. „It's okay if you don't, you know?"

„I do, really. It's a little strange for me, because I've never experienced anything like it, and it does have a bit of a kid's birthday party feel but I like it. It's not what I've expected, so that is a good thing." Tom never ceased to surprise her, whether it were the things he said, the way he acted, the jokes he cracked or the things he planned when they met. He was so highly likable, that it was hard to face that Tom was _real_. No matter how hard she tried to find his flaws, there were none, at least none that made him unappealing. If she wanted to count this as a date, it would be a third, and while she usually felt a guy was aiming at something very specific on second and third dates, Tom had not yet made a single move on her. It was almost surreal to think he had a romantic interest in her, because it barely showed. He didn't try to sneak in _innocent_ touches, that clearly weren't meant to be all that innocent, he hadn't tried to kiss her, not even on the cheek the last time they had parted and she didn't feel under pressure at all. Being around him was comfortable, probably _because_ she didn't feel like there were any expectations. He sat comfortably beside her, the ankle of his right leg propped by the knee of his left as he ate. The conversation was not distracting, but maybe that was because Olivia was not all that interested in the movie to start with.

„In that case I'll see this as a mission accomplished," Tom said with a smile that came off like he was a little nervous.

„It's perfect." Olivia smiled hesitantly, her gaze flitting to her food as the air felt electrically charged between them. Her heart was beating faster, making it hard for her to breathe. She had been invited to the movie theaters many times, and often she had declined because she had never liked that kind of date. But this was nothing even close to a movie theatre. The volume was just right, the couch comfortable and the atmosphere was intimate, seeing it was only the two of them. But she still couldn't throw all caution to the wind, and Olivia felt embarrassed about it. She was probably acting like an idiot and eventually Tom's patience would wear thin. Why couldn't she let herself relax in the moments it counted? Instead of letting things progress in whatever direction they might go, she kept wondering about all the what-ifs. It has never seemed so hard for her to get out of her shell, and at this point Olivia wasn't even sure why.

Of course Tom noticed her hesitation and tonight didn't seem like the right time to question it. He watched her take the last bite of her pizza and slowly reached over, taking the plate from her. „I'll get us another slice," he said, sounding nonchalant. It seemed like she could use a minute alone.

„Okay, thank you." She focused on the movie projection on the wall as Tom got up and headed for the kitchen. This dance she was doing was getting old, she thought. She had been looking forward to tonight, to seeing him, but Olivia wasn't sure if that showed. Absentmindedly, Olivia reached for one of the bowls, popping something in her mouth, making a face as she realized it was a Sour Patch Kid. It was sour but quickly turned sweet. Actually, they didn't taste all that bad. In fact, it was pretty good.

…


	11. Equilibrium

**Author's notes: So, we continue where we left off in Chapter 10, so Tom and Olivia can get to know each other a little better. I've been listening to the Cranberries 'Ode to my family' a LOT for Chapter 10 and 11 and played U2's 'With or without you' on the guitar to get a break. Thank you for reading and reviews are always appreciated.**

Nearing the end of the movie, Professor Quirrel had just taken off his turban and revealed Voldemort's face on the back of his head, Olivia cringed visibly and audibly. „That's creepy," she said, making a disgusted face, her hand digging into the plastic bowl, its bottom barely covered by popcorn at this point, and funnily Olivia had eaten most of it by herself. Among other things. Surprisingly she didn't feel sick yet, only very full.

„I knew it was him from the start," Tom pointed out.

„Because you read the book," Olivia snorted in return, although she didn't know if he had.

„No, because he was acting weird. They tried to make that other guy look suspicious, obviously it couldn't have been him."

„You're quite the master of exposure, huh?" She gave him the side-eye, one eyebrow raised, which made Tom chuckle, but maybe it was the irony in her words.

„Good to know that didn't go unnoticed," he retorted, as the movie was nearing its showdown. Tom reached into the bowl of popcorn, brushing Olivia's fingers as she did the same and for a second their eyes met. The delicate touch had an instant affect on him, but he composed within two seconds. Wanting to avoid an awkward moment, he snorted. „You ate it all?"

Tom had gotten her there, whatever she had expected as their fingers touched in the bowl, this wasn't it. To make a point she shook the plastic container, her eyes and face showing pure complacency as she rattled the sticky remains. „Not true. I _almost_ ate it all," she corrected.

„Such a nitpicker," he bickered theatrically, rolling his eyes, pleased when the words drew a laugh from Olivia. Stretching his muscles Tom leaned back and sighed softly. „So, what's the verdict?"

„On what?"

„The movie, obviously."

„It's not over yet," Olivia argued.

„And you think the remaining five or so minutes are going to change your opinion on it?"

„Maybe."

„Well, despite the few minutes that are still ahead, what's your verdict _so far,_ Miss Benson?"

„My blood sugar is going through the roof, I don't think my opinion is reliable or valid," She chuckled. She had tried about everything and had eaten most of the Sour Patch Kits, too. The mix of sweet candy and salty snacks was addictive in a strange way.

„Well, simple sugar does activate the brain's reward system, much like alcohol or actual drugs would, so you've got a bit of a point there. Share anyway." Although it was common knowledge that sugar was addictive, Olivia liked the fact he wasn't lacking intellect, but she had already known that since the first time they had talked about Noah in depth. He had just as much knowledge about early childhood development as she had in her field and was able to back it up with experience and studies. She also liked that his approach on parenting and education was a little more unconventional and not the usual carrot-and-stick method, which had really spoken to Olivia and assured her when it came to her insecurities as a parent. She often worried if she wasn't strict enough, that Noah would one day act up with her to the point she couldn't handle him anymore, but her doubts had calmed somewhat after Tom had given her some facts on childhood autonomy and brain development and given her some book tips for good measure, one of them, written by Alfie Kohn, she had even purchased but hadn't gotten around to read it yet. Also, he had made it very clear that he was against any form of punishment, claiming it didn't make anyone a better a person but only taught children to fear their parents. Somehow, it had caused Olivia to reflect her own childhood and what kind of mother she wanted to be, because the way he had explained things to her they actually made sense. Olivia found herself thinking how refreshingly different he was from all the other men she had ever dated or been with. Maybe that was what made it so scary. He wasn't working in a familiar field, professionally they lived in far apart worlds. He wasn't an intense character like Brian or Ed, not as psychologically brutalized as most people doing police work. He had such a positive outlook on life and carried it into the world, that it put some things into perspective for her. Olivia marveled at that, because a positive outlook had never come easy to her. Shaking the thought, she bobbed her head from side to side, as if she was pondering what to say.

„For a children's movie it was quite alright. I think I would've liked it as a kid."

„Me too. Very inspiring when it comes to breaking the rules, too," he laughed softly.

„You must be such a joy to parents. They want their kids to follow the rules and you find it inspiring if they break them?" Her words came as a tease with just the right amount of sarcasm lacing them.

Tom reached for his wine glass, taking a slow, appreciative sip. „My motto has always been ‚ _Be Pippi, not Annika'_ ," Tom shrugged with a grin, which got him a blank stare from Olivia.

„Be what?" It was all Greek to her.

„Oh come on, you don't know Pippi Longstocking?"

„Well, I have heard of Pippi Longstocking but I don't understand your motto. Then again, I've never read the book." She watched Tom give a nod, and saw the amusement in his face.

„Alright, so Pippi is the daughter of a buccaneer captain but she lives alone, her father is at sea, and in her mind he's the king of an island when in fact he's lost at sea. So, Pippi is on her own, lives with her monkey and a horse in a villa. She is strong, willful, often makes fun of adults that are being unreasonable - at least in her opinion. Life is a big adventure for her, actually, she is the kind of child that most parents don't want. Her friends living next door are twins, Tommy and Annika, and Annika specifically is the exact opposite, obedient, fearful, constantly worried about consequences," Tom explained. „So, if I had children, I'd rather they were a real, free spirit with a lot of fantasy and joy of discovery - even if that means breaking the rules sometimes. We don't need more children who are perfectly adjusted to the system and society but smart, confident and empathetic personalities who are not afraid of confrontation. It's a shame that so many parents literally kill all that potential their children have by only accepting them if they are behaving a certain way, like they are only lovable when they _function_ and are being _good_. They are not going to grow up to be disrespectful, antisocial terrorists - not if parents set a good example when it comes to values."

Olivia listened, but wasn't sure what exactly to think of it. It was different from everything she had learned from society and parental guide books - which she had read plentifully after fostering and finally adopting Noah. She felt like he had a point, but at the same time it raised a lot of questions. „But then how will children learn what's acceptable and what isn't? Or to stick to certain rules that are inevitable to be part of society?"

„They will learn from guidance and conversation. I am not saying parents should put up with whatever their children want to do at all times, or even for children to get their will at all costs. That's not the point. In a family, or in any relationship between a child and in my case educator, equality and respect are the most important values. A successful and balanced relationship should be appreciative and each individual has their own boundaries that need to be preserved, so certain rules are necessary. But rules should apply to all family members, mothers, fathers, educators, teachers and children alike. That whole concept of ‚Do as I say, because I say so, I am the adult' never made sense to me. We demand respect but constantly disrespect our children and their autonomy. We see them as our property and not as an individual person that has to make mistakes to learn from them, not from unnatural consequences in the form of punishment. We think we know what's best for them and rob them of important experiences. Not caring about what they do, would border on neglect. There needs to be guidance and communication - but that's not what punishment or keeping them small is. They will not learn empathy from punishment and being yelled at, they will learn from first hand experiences and adults being authentic if they explain that what they did has hurt them and why. Or take teenagers having sex. Parents actually forbid it, they get mad if they find out their teenagers are engaging in it, some punish it, ground them instead of facing a reality - that teenagers are curious and will have sex if they want to have sex. Trying to put the fear of God in them isn't going to change that. Instead of making sure their children are going into this educated and prepared, to teach them to self-reflect whether they truly feel ready and talk about the importance of protection, they ignore what's truly going on only to be completely flabbergasted when shit hits the fan and they realize that their perfect children are doing something that they never thought they would. It's insane," he shook his head. „But I guess that's a different subject and not the time to discuss it," he said softly and put on a smile. He didn't want to ruin the rest of the evening with his views on child autonomy.

Olivia had to admit Tom had a point, especially when it came to teenage sex. How many times had she seen the exact thing on the job? Unknowing parents, uneducated children who have gotten into something when they didn't have anyone to trust and confide in because they feared a conflict within their family. Maybe it wasn't any wonder that teenage pregnancies seemed like a normal thing these days. And maybe Tom was right and educational methods were the main issue. Of course Olivia knew that the efforts to throw light on sexuality and protection were key elements, but she had never really considered that the way parents raised their children were part of the problem. It was quite enlightening to listen to Tom and take a look at other aspects than the obvious lack of sexual education early on in school, or the constant sugar coating of facts that could prevent STD's. The man was fascinating and his individuality inspiring. He seemed to be just as passionate about what children needed to grow into integral healthy adults as she was about her own job. While Olivia was a hardliner when it came to sexually motivated crimes, feminism and the omnipresent oppression of women through porn for example, Tom was very much the same, only in a different area.

„No, I mean, it's actually very interesting and it does make sense but it also seems hard to implement in everyday life," Olivia remarked with uncertainty.

„Why? Because you were raised with different patterns?"

That was food for thought and a turn that Olivia hadn't seen coming. „I don't know how that plays into it," Olivia said with obvious confusion.

„Well, our biography usually makes us who we are in the one or other direction, sometimes that can be good and sometimes bad. In any case, we adopt those patterns we were taught or have observed, at least as children and adolescents we do, because those mechanisms seem like the only practicable way. How many times have you heard phrases like ‚I got spanked and I turned out perfectly fine' or ‚Children need consequences and punishment or else they'll fail in life'? It doesn't make any sense, that translates to ‚children will only turn into respectful adults if we use violence against them, be it physical or psychological.' Consequences are also always a natural thing. I had too much cake, I'll have to deal with a stomachache. I rock my chair backwards and forwards - I tip over. That's consequences. Everything that parents do is not, that's punishment."

„Fine, so maybe it's because I was raised contrary to your beliefs. But I'm still not sure how it's going to work in a difficult situation, like a temper tantrum."

„Give me an example."

„An example?"

„Yes, give me a recent example, it's easier to work with," he encouraged.

Olivia blew out a breath, trying to think of a recent situation, nodding when she remembered a tough one from two weeks ago. „Okay, so a couple of weeks ago, Noah wanted to play with water in the sink. I said no, he got upset, turned on the water of the bathroom sink anyway and had a meltdown when I stopped him."

„Alright. What was the problem?" She looked at him, her eyebrows scrunching up. What did he mean what was the problem?

„That he threw a fit."

„No, that was the result. What I mean is - what was the problem you saw? Why didn't you want him to play with water?"

She was confused but the reason for his question instantly dawned on her. Funnily, Olivia didn't know what the problem was. It just _was._ Looking at her and awaiting an answer, Tom noticed her hesitancy, deciding to help her out.

„It's not a bad thing not to allow something, Olivia," he assured her with a smile, gently touching her forearm to show her it was okay. „But it can be helpful to question yourself in the situation to figure out why you don't want something - whatever it is. Were you worried about the clean up? Or the waste of resources? Was it a bad time because you had to be somewhere soon? A little bit of everything? To be authentic you have to know your own motives to get them across, a simple ‚no' or ‚because I said so' isn't an easily acceptable answer and it's going to be confusing for any child. Such an answer from an adult, without further clarification, usually irritates us, too. Granted, Noah would likely have been upset no matter the explanation, but that's only natural. He's four years old and is only slowly starting to obtain competences in emotion control. Frustration and anger are only human and something even some adults struggle with, all emotions are okay and acceptable. But there's ways to deal with situations that have a big potential of conflict. You could try to redirect his want and experiment with water together, there are plenty of fun ways to turn it into a learning experience. You could let him and be aware that it's going to be a bit messy and tell him that he'll have to help you clean up afterwards. But even if you say no, you should know why and be able to explain it to him. Maybe it's just a no for the moment and it's a possibility later. Then you'll have to deal with the tantrum and guide him through it and let him know it's okay to be upset and that you understand it makes him angry. That's what's going to help him to learn emotion control - it is important that he gets to be upset, because expecting the opposite only means that he'd have to bottle those negative emotions up, and we all know that's not healthy, still it's something we imply, because most people think children are born with emotion control or that children learn much quicker than they actually do when it comes to life skills. He's not doing it to piss you off, he's simply unsatisfied and feels about it strongly. In any case, there are so many activities you can offer as an alternative that can be satisfying for him, and sometimes it can be fun to just throw your worries over board and join in on the fun. Let it get messy and let your inner child win from time to time. Life is hard enough, it can be those moments that put everything into perspective," Tom said with a wink, his smile showing he was perfectly content with what he said.

It was a lot to think about. The thought of messing around with water together was strange, especially knowing Noah could go overboard with things. Maybe she should really try and look for new impulses to give and spent more quality time with him that oriented more on Noah's needs and interests, things that went beyond coloring and crafting. At the same time Olivia developed in interest in how Tom had attained his views.

„So, is that how you were raised?"

He laughed, shaking his head. „God no. I mean, my parents weren't extremely strict, but strict nonetheless. Becca and I got in trouble more times than we could count. We were grounded, were yelled at and got a spanking from time to time, too. We fucked around so much but… it was great. I love remembering my childhood and I wish I could do it all over again just the way I did back then. But I don't think their strictness made me a good person. I think I would've turned out even better if they would've been more relaxed."

„So, you were a rebel?"

„Becca and I together were a loose canon," he snorted. „When we were seven or eight we kind of were responsible for all the kids in the neighborhood ending up at the hospital for a night," he laughed, remembering the ordeal.

„How did that happen?" Olivia asked, sounding incredulous and impressed at the same time.

„There was a Golden Chain Tree in the neighborhood, every part of that plant is toxic. Becca thought it was a good idea to eat those pods hanging from it. Some of the children said that their parents had told them never to eat it because it was toxic but Becca did anyway, then so did I because I didn't want to be a coward. When the other kids realized nothing bad happened they all joined it. A few hours later we all got first symptoms, some came down with a stomach ache, others were puking their guts out. After the first few kids had been hospitalized a friend's mother came over, telling our parents that her son had told her Becca and I convinced all the kids to eat from the Golden Chain Tree." Olivia grinned, obviously enjoying this little story from Tom's childhood. „My sister and I had no symptoms whatsoever but when we heard the kids had to go to the hospital we got scared shitless. So our mother asked us if it was true and since we felt fine, we told her no, that we didn't convince anyone to eat it and that we hadn't either. We didn't realize Mom was only worried. In the end she believed us. Two hours later and man, were we in pain," Tom shook his head but laughed with delight. „We got into so much trouble for lying, as if the night at the hospital, drawing blood and drinking some black brew wasn't enough. They forced a tube down my esophagus because I couldn't swallow it, had to gag the moment the stuff was in my mouth."

„The other parents must have hated you for that," Olivia laughed. It was interesting to hear about his childhood mischief.

„For a little while, yeah. How about you? Any skeletons in your closet?"

„Actually, I can't remember anything like this. I think I was always trying to be good, but I also was an only child and so was my Mom, so there were no other children in the family. I don't even remember any kids my age living in the neighborhood, I was a bit of a loner until I started school." For that very reason Olivia had always wished for a sibling, to have an identity that in some way depended on someone else, to be part of something big and meaningful. Before her school enrollment, Olivia had never had anyone to play with. But she wasn't going to start with a sob story now, instead she wanted to hear more about him. „Any regrets when you think of your youth?"

Tom thought about it for a moment, then pulled up his legs to sit Indian style. The movie credits rolled by now and Tom realized they hadn't even caught the end of the movie as they had gotten lost in conversation, but he really didn't mind. Taking another drink of wine, he remembered one regret. „When I was seventeen I had a crush on a girl. I've heard that she liked me back and one night we were both invited to a party by a mutual friend. One of the ‚cooler' guys told me that I'd come across as more appealing if I acted cool, like I wasn't interested in her. She had been trying to get my attention and start a conversation all night and mostly I've been cold-shouldering her, I think I've even said something stupid to her. After that night she very understandably had moved on and lost interest, kept telling her friends that I was an asshole. I was so upset that I started spreading the rumor that I only had sex with her and she was calling me an asshole because I didn't want to date her. I'd take that back in a heartbeat, if I could."

„Wow-." While it was awful, Olivia had to admit that she was impressed that he had the guts to share this faux pas. It was never easy to share something that made themselves look bad.

„Yeah, I was an idiot. The guys I've hung out with at the time weren't the best influence, either, which is no excuse. I was young and dumb but basically just an insecure kid that didn't know what the fuck he was doing. I've never even _had_ sex at the time. I've tried to apologize weeks later but of course she didn't want to hear it. I felt awful and swore to never do something like that to anyone again. It was a lesson learnt," he smiled sadly. „What about you?"

„Let me think…," Olivia said out loud. „When I was sixteen I was dating one of my mother's students. She was an English professor," Olivia explained. „I really loved him, I actually wanted to marry him. I regret that I've started dating him and I regret that I didn't marry him. That probably doesn't make any sense," she chuckled half-heartedly, feeling vulnerable. Her life had been so complicated at the time, marrying a twenty-one year old college student had seemed like the answer. She had loved him, maybe more than she has ever loved anyone she dated in her adult life. But then she had only been sixteen, she hadn't known about life, about relationships, about marriage. One factor was that Olivia had desperately wanted to get away from her mother. She had craved love so much when Serena's drinking had gotten more and more out of control, that she had been easily receptive to male attention. She wished she had never started this relationship because today, thirty-two years later, she knew it would never have worked out and she regretted not marrying him because she still wondered what it would've have been like, if against all odds, it had.

„It makes perfect sense," Tom assured. For awhile he had felt that way about his longterm by now ex-girlfriend that had left him for an other man. „It's probably a conflict of knowing what you know today and remembering how you felt back then." He could easily relate to that kind of problematic.

„I've never seen it that way, but you're probably right." She sounded surprised, as if she has just had an epiphany moment.

„So, that college student was your first love?"

„First and worst love. It's hard to explain. I was sixteen, I loved him, I was imagining this whole…different life with him." In fact she was trying to escape her own life. As much as she had loved him, for that alone they would've never stood a chance.

„Did he love you?"

Olivia shrugged with an indecisive smile that played around her lips. „I think in a way he did, but it wasn't equivalent to the way I loved him. In retrospect it only could go wrong." She reached for her glass and took a slow sip. Finally Olivia could say that she was enjoying this evening. She had stopped thinking about what it might mean, if it was or wasn't a date. The wine had helped relax her and loosened her tongue. What a godsend liquid courage was. Olivia also felt that slowly she was starting to get to know Tom, not just small things, but everything that made her see the whole picture, his character, what was important to him and what he was passionate about. „What are you most proud of?"

„My niece, although I probably have no reason to, I didn't make her," he joked. „But she's adorable and my sister's baby, so I think it's inevitable. Apart from that, I'm proud of… I really don't know." He shook his head, unable to think of anything else. „Did you ever do drugs?"

„Of course not," Olivia tried to come across as innocent and shocked about such a question, but Tom didn't buy it and her smile betrayed her. „Pot," she admitted finally. „In college. Never liked it but gave it a shot more times than I probably should have." She already knew that Tom had smoked weed at least a few times in his life. „Do you smoke?" Olivia had never smelled anything on him, but that didn't necessarily have to mean he wasn't a smoker.

„Not really. I've tried in my teenage years, and for a couple of years I've smoked when I was in my twenties. Now I smoke about three or four cigarettes a year and that's with Becca on family celebrations, probably only for old times's sakes. When we were teenagers we'd sit in our old sandbox in the backyard and secretly smoke when our parents weren't home, it was perfect because we could hear when the car turned into the driveway and quickly stub out the cigarettes and bury them in the sand. They only figured it out years later when we had already moved out and my brother's son played in that sandbox," he laughed. „So now Becca and I still sit there sometimes when we need a few minutes to ourselves, light a cigarette and talk about whatever's going on in our lives."

While Olivia hated everything about smoking, the dangers, the smell, the taste when she kissed a smoker, something about it sounded so genial. Maybe it was just that bond between Tom and his sister that was inspiring, something that Olivia wished she could share with someone, too. „That actually sounds nice. Are you close to your brothers too?"

„Yeah, but in a different way. It's hard to explain. Our brothers are ten and eight years older, so growing up that made a big difference in the bond we've formed. And having a twin has always been somewhat special. But we're all close and get along, although the other two are very different characters. My oldest brother Jacob was always a bit of an outsider, the ‚weird' kid, didn't have many friends, not at all a tomboy, very emotional and sensitive, kids teased him. He's still rather quiet today. Nathanael has been very focused on school but was very popular in school and especially with girls, very confident. Academically and professionally he's probably the poster child of the family. Becca and I were very alike as kids and in certain ways we still are today but in her early twenties she felt like she needed to find her own identity and cut herself off from me because we kind of… identified with each other, probably too much. We always remained close, took a trip to Europe together even at that time, but she was almost passive aggressive about doing _her_ thing. And I'm just… me," he shrugged. I think I would've made an excellent middle child," he joked.

Olivia could picture the the dynamics between the siblings and realized how much she was lacking in that area. Basically, there was nothing she could tell in regards of family, at least nothing that was positive. Her family tree had basically begun and ended with her mother, and now at age forty-eight all she had was Noah, which was still a miracle in itself. She had gotten lucky with him, a blessing Olivia had never expected. „Can I ask a very personal question?" She asked after a moment of silence, hoping she wasn't going to overstep Tom's bounds.

„Sure."

„Did you want children?" She mustered every bit of courage, looking him in the eye as her voice quietly rumbled, and she could see his irises clouding, like a storm was gathering. However, when he opened his mouth to answer, he was all calm.

"I did."

….

To be continued…


	12. Stop Thinking

**Another one, this time a little shorter. Done with exams, life is good. Thank you for the lovely reviews, they are always appreciated.**

It's been years since Tom had last been asked if he had wanted children. Normally it wasn't a subject that came up. The people who knew, knew not to ask and there had only been reason to discuss it deeply with the person he was with at the time. He had come to terms with it a long time ago, but the idea of talking about it to someone else felt strange. It made him feel vulnerable. Not as much as when he had first found out that he was sterile, but his ego would probably never recover fully.

„But it's not something I like to discuss if it's not necessary, and I don't feel like now's the time to get into that." With Olivia it probably didn't matter what he'd say. She had a child and was at an age where children were no longer something she had to think about. And it was not even clear if they would ever move past acquaintanceship or friendship. Admitting he couldn't have children to a woman who still wanted them would turn out to be a lot harder. At least there was no way he could possibly disappoint Olivia in that department.

„I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," Olivia apologized softly, regretting that she had opened her mouth at all. It was none of her business, and she had things she didn't want to share, either. Things that were too personal, too painful, too dark. The mood shift was palpable, and it was obvious that Tom was struggling, however composed he tried to appear.

„It's okay to ask, just…"

„It's not the time," she repeated his words.

„It's not the time," Tom agreed with a single nod of his head. He saw her glass was empty and reached for the wine bottle, offering her more in silence and she gladly held her glass out for the refill. He didn't want awkwardness to rule, trying to think of what else he wanted to know about her, things that would give him a better idea of who she was, maybe how her past relationships had gone. „Have you dated recently?"

The question caught Olivia unprepared and she wondered if by recently he meant after they had gone out to dinner. „Define recently."

„In the past couple of months." He was wondering if she had seen anybody else between then and now, but he was also interested to find out about the time before he's met her.

„I've been on one date in the past… I think nine or ten months. That was with you," she said honestly. Was he seriously thinking that she'd meet him, fully aware he was interested in her, while dating other men? „Three if you want to count last month and tonight," she clarified, trying to put a label on it. Did it count as dates when all they ever did was talk? They were getting to know each other and Olivia didn't feel the need to do any more than that. She's jumped into her relationships with Brian and Ed without thinking it through, this time she wanted to take it easy, see what would happen. Things would probably fall into place one way or an other. And since she still didn't know if this was even something she wanted to pursue, that was just right and gave her time to breathe.

„I'd like to think of it as dates," Tom admitted carefully, not intending to scare her away.

„Then I guess they are dates," Olivia decided with a small smile.

„How long has it been since you've been in a relationship?" Tom wanted to know, hoping he wasn't crossing a line. He figured it was okay to ask at this point and briefly talking about former partners and relationship gave a lot away.

„It ended ten months ago."

„Noah's father?"

She scoffed and shook her head. There really was a lot he didn't know yet. „No. It was someone I've had to work with from time to time over the course of the past twenty years."

„So, was it serious or rather casual?"

„It was about to get serious. I mean, it wasn't casual, things just weren't working for me anymore. It's been a complicated start, complicated relationship. I had wanted it to work but in the end I wasn't in it with all my heart. He wanted to move forward with me and I realized I wasn't sure about it. I didn't want to string him along." At least she was being honest about it, Tom appreciated that. But it seemed she had been guarded even in that relationship.

„What do you want in a relationship? I mean, are you looking for something permanent, what are your thoughts on marriage?" He wanted to make sure she didn't want completely different things. Investing months and months to build something only to find out that someone didn't have similar goals would be a waste of time.

„I don't know if I'm ‚looking for' something at all right now. But generally yes, I'm looking for something permanent. Not necessarily marriage, although I wouldn't rule it out. I'd like to find someone to grow old with, someone who will understand Noah's my first priority and can accept that and will be able to love him and be something like a father figure, I guess. A male role model, for lack of a better description." She felt somewhat vulnerable discussing what she was searching for in a relationship, in a man. Of course those were the major points. Serious and with someone who understood that Noah would always come first, that whoever she'd date and eventually be in a relationship with had to fit into her and her son's life and show some understanding and enthusiasm for family activities.

„You still seem worried. I mean, I get that you might have to figure out if there's something there at all and don't want to start something when you don't know where it's going to go, but I do know you have Noah and that he has to come first."

„I've learned that with a demanding job and a child, chores, playdates - there's just very little time and space for a love life. I mean, it took a month just to get together to watch a movie," she said, smiling apologetically. „Do I want to find someone? Yes, I do. But… I know how hard it is to make time, to get to know someone and…" She ran a hand through her hair, pushing back her bangs. „… it takes time and care to build something that can last. I'm not sure if I have the energy. Noah's still so young and he needs me." She exhaled shakily, nervous about what she was to admit. „I can't say I'm not interested. I think a part of me is, but I don't know if that's enough or if I should let it be enough. That has nothing to do with you, Tom. I don't want to disappoint you if it's not going to work out. I don't want to introduce another man into Noah's life only to take someone away again once he's gotten used to the man, and then there's some more baggage there that I can't even start to get into. Dating and letting myself fall in love with someone has become so hard since I've become a mother because I'm not just responsible for myself and for my wellbeing but for Noah's, too."

Tom nodded, and while he wanted to show her he understood, he also didn't want to push. „I get it, Olivia. I have never dated a mother, but I'm working with children. I'm not even trying to imply that I know what parenthood feels like, because I'm not a parent. I know a lot about children, but I don't have a child to take care of 24/7 and do it alone, too. But I understand if I date someone who has children, that a lot of the time I won't even play second or third fiddle, that sometimes they won't be able to make time for me. But that's something I can deal with. I can handle it. I can deal with a child, I can deal with the Dad, if he's in the picture, I can help when it's necessary and stay away if I'm not needed. I'll give you time to figure it out, I'm patient." His words came with irrevocable conviction. He wanted a shot, it was that simple. No matter the adversities. Tom couldn't imagine when he had ever been willing to fight for getting to know someone so hard, to be given just the slightest chance. But Olivia Benson had captivated him right from the start. He really had little say in it. He had become insanely infatuated with her on their first date and by now he couldn't deny he was falling in love, although Olivia always held him at arm's length. There was a wall to break down and he didn't yet know how to do that without coming on too strong but he didn't want to leave it up to chance either.

„You're pretty adamant," Olivia said with a shy smile. He impressed her and Tom's words caused her full-blown insecurities, about dating him seriously, to unravel. He knew so little about her, yet he fought with a lion's heart. No didn't seem to be an answer he wanted to take and he conveyed the message charmingly.

„One of us has to be," he smiled back.

For a couple of minutes there was silence and Olivia nursed her drink purposefully before straightening her body.

„It's getting late, I should probably get back home, relieve the sitter." This time it was genuine. She didn't want to keep Lucy for too long tonight and truth was, Olivia was feeling the exhaustion of the week.

„Oh okay," Tom agreed.

„Should I help with the clean up or…?" Olivia offered, not wanting to make it seem like she couldn't wait to get out of here.

„No. No, it's fine. Do you need a lift home-?"

„I'll take a cab this time, but thank you. You probably shouldn't be driving either, it's been three glasses of wine," Olivia pointed out. She appreciated the offer, and maybe she would have agreed if it wasn't for the alcohol. Maybe.

„Right, right," Tom said quickly.

„So, this was really nice. Thank you for that." It had been another perfect evening with good conversation, good food and too much sugar that would her feel guilty in the morning.

„You're more than welcome. Maybe… if you'd like, we could do this again. Six movies to go," he pointed out hopefully, reminding her of the suggestion she had made earlier. If he was lucky, the offer would still stand.

„I'd like that." At least she thought she did because as always she felt insecure about it.

„Great," he smiled. „Next week?"

„I'll get back to you about that, I'll have to clear it with Lucy first." She gathered her few things but purposefully left the movie box for next time. Once she had double checked that she had her phone, keys and wallet with her, Olivia inhaled audibly. „Well…"

„It was really nice having you over," Tom said as he walked her to the door and opened it for her, then turned to look at her, taking everything about her in. Her eyes that were now glazed with what he figured was fatigue, her lips that were void of lipstick after food and drinks.

„See you soon," Olivia responded softly. For a moment Tom thought about simply leaning in and kiss her goodbye on the cheek, but he wasn't sure about it. He didn't recognize any signals and he didn't want to cross a line. Instead, he slowly reached out and briefly put his hand on the small on her back. She didn't step away nor flinch.

„Goodnight Olivia," he croaked.

„Goodnight Tom," she smiled shyly before she slowly stepped away, glancing over her shoulder once more. She felt his eyes on her until she vanished around the corner of the hallway.

…

Three days. That was how long it has been since she had last seen him. It was how long she had been thinking about…. things. Him. Words he said. Words that were always sort of right, spot on, although Olivia really couldn't comprehend how on earth he did that. She remembered well. The way she sat in his living room, on his sofa, in the safety of his immaculate apartment - even his bathroom was spotless. With the credits of ‚Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone' that eventually stopped rolling and the DVD was set back to its home screen with the theme song quietly playing in the background. She remembers the way his hand seemed to twitch a little bit, a fleeting moment as he talked and talked like his life depended on it. Talked about understanding and being able to take it. Take that she had a son, little time, that he could help if necessary. When it was all that she had ever imagined, even hoped for, then why was it so hard to let him in, jump in at the deep end?

For three days that's where her thoughts drifted to every given hour of the day. Or night. It was distracting to say the least, especially at work. There was that tiny part of her that wanted to believe and trust, but then there was also her, that person she has always been, the woman who underneath it all was suspicious and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Love has never worked in her favor, Olivia reminded herself. There was always something that didn't fit, didn't feel right. Maybe, Olivia thought, she had simply reached the point where she was ready to give up, accept that true romance simply wasn't meant for her. That shit was way too complicated, anyway.

Having a life of her own was hard, whether it was some down time just for herself or love, a relationship. If she was being brutally honest there was only one way this could go. Wrong. Terribly wrong. If she'd engage herself in yet another relationship it would crumble like a cookie in her son's hand, leaving her with a nothing but a mess. Her life was complicated and full. At times she didn't even know left from right. Everybody constantly wanted something, took something. The Chief, Barba, Rollins, Carisi, Noah's school, doctors, Noah himself. They demanded time, consults, a heart-to-heart, to get their asses kicked, cuddles, lullabies. As much as she loved her son, her job, sometimes she wondered how much longer she was going to be able to keep it together, keep herself together. As much as she had always wanted children, as much as she had thought she'd _know_ what it means to be a mother, nothing could have prepared her for the reality. Late nights when Noah was teething as a baby, the health issues, the constant worry that something could happen to him, that the adoption was not going to work out for some reason. Juggling work and having a child, the tantrums, the anxiety when Noah started daycare, sleepless nights, tiring days, hours of screaming when she tried to fulfill his every desire only to realize that nothing she did made him happy for a few weeks and she only survived courtesy a mantra of _it's just a phase._ Nobody seriously told her that the the joys were few and far in between sometimes or how many tears she'd cry due to fatigue and self-doubt. That some days would be trying and trying - trying so goddamned hard - without getting anywhere but to the point of feeling like an unfit parent, like no matter what, it was never going to be enough. She wouldn't change it for the world, of course - Noah was still the best thing that has ever happened to her, and despite the hardships motherhood was oddly fulfilling. But God, was it exhausting.

She couldn't keep up as it was, it would be insane to add something else - someone else - to the list, someone who would demand her time, her attention. People were needy creatures. Relationships were hard work, she knew. She's been there. And especially since she's had Noah, it seemed impossible to dedicate herself to someone as much as they deserved. She remembered the whole thing with Ed too damned well, after all. The amount of planning a night out took, not having the freedom of staying over if she would have liked to and at the same time refusing to let him spend a night at her apartment before she was ready to introduce Tucker to her son as the man by her side, by _their_ side. Sure, there was a time she was happy, when she thought that this was it, but even then she had been scared it was going to slip through her fingers, wasn't going to last. Actually, she wasn't just scared - she _had known_. Whatever had been so telling even when her insides had been fluttering, when thinking of Ed, looking at him had given her all these butterflies and she couldn't wait to see him, when her body had been craving for his touch and embrace - it had been there and clear as day. She couldn't put her finger on when it changed or how. It was so paradox how something she considered special could fall apart within a couple of months. By the time Ed had wanted to move forward, take their relationship to the next level, she had been at a point where it was clear things were eventually going to come to an end - and soon. Being the coward that she is, she had taken a few more weeks until she told him she didn't think it was going to work out.

How could this possibly have the potential to be different? Of course, Tom was a great guy - obviously. He certainly wasn't unattractive. In fact, there was something about him that was drawing her in little by little - it felt like a loss of the control she had always been proud of having. She was always thinking five steps ahead, kept her cool, didn't let herself get blinded by _feelings._ Well, that wasn't completely true, there had been one man that she would have given it all for, that she had let get under her skin against better judgement. But Elliot was out of her life, has been for more than half a decade - and by now it was fine. She was fine.

Tom wasn't the epitome of sexy and yet he _was_ sexy in a way she couldn't grasp. When she saw him, she didn't know what to do with herself, what to do with that smile of his, self-assured yet kind of nervous. It was _that_ smile that made her wonder what lingered beneath, had her come undone somewhere deep inside. It was a crawl and a burn, the sweet and the sour. Without physically touching her, he touched what nobody but Elliot ever reached and by God, in those moments she wanted to let herself be weak and fall right into him. She couldn't explain why she was so tempted to give in, to give herself to him - not even emotionally or sexually but simply physically in a more or less innocent manner. What was it that he was doing to her that she dreaded and anticipated seeing him at the very same time? There were thoughts she had of him, that she wanted to get rid of. She cursed their existence. And yet there was nothing she could do against that pull when he was near, when he looked at her and his blue eyes held that spark that spoke volumes. Running and hiding came to mind. Drowning herself in liquor because the bourbon was her friend in times of inner turmoil. But this was where even booze failed, it didn't calm the storm of foreign emotions, no matter how much she willed the dark, golden liquid to take it all away, to let her forget about him. No, it seemed the alcohol was disagreeing and talking back, so much so, that it had almost convinced her to call Tom the previous night.

Insecurities and curiosity were sparked by another _date_ that was going to take place in one and a half weeks - work and Noah's health allowing that was. He had asked her if she was free this Saturday, but she had told him no, sorry, but she wouldn't be able to get a sitter. That had been a big fat lie. Lucy was more than happy to babysit in the evenings and rake in the extra dollars. She was an angel and has become much more than a nanny. Olivia trusted her wholeheartedly and knew she could always count on Lucy, even if something came up on very short notice. But she needed time to breathe and recollect herself. Time to just…breathe.

…


	13. Best Laid Plans

**Author's note: I'm starting to wonder how much of a slow burn you guys want this to be. I'm juggling ideas in my head... Once again I apologize for all mistakes.**

 **...**

„Hey." Tom looked at Olivia, taking in her appearance for a few seconds, astonishment written all over his facial features. Since he had last seen her this morning, she had cut her hair so it was now framing her face at chin length. It looked really nice, and still he couldn't decide if he had liked the long hair better or preferred the new, unfamiliar hairdo the brunette was sporting now. „You cut your hair." _What an utterly superfluous comment,_ Tom thought to himself.

„Hey. Yeah, I did. Felt like it was time for a bit of a change." Her hand instantly moved to finger the hair of her new bob. Every few years Olivia started getting antsy about her hair, mostly when there had been some sort of turmoil in her life. The last time she needed a change was after William Lewis had held her hostage. She had cut her hair herself then, trying to cut away the memories and parts of herself, so dark, she hadn't known existed. It had only been a week later when she found the energy to let her hairdresser fix it.

„It looks good, I like it," Tom complimented. And it truly did look good. Actually, good didn't cover it. „Come on in."

„Thank you," Olivia smiled softly as she entered his apartment. It was as tidy as always, only one of the guitars wasn't in its usual spot but lay on the sofa, causing Olivia to assume he must have played it before her arrival.

„I actually intended to make a little something to eat but I've only gotten home twenty minutes ago. Staff meeting has taken much longer than usual," he explained. „A lot of changes coming on in the near future."

„Changes?" Olivia furled her eyebrows, curious what kind of changes he might be talking about, earning her a devaluing gesture of Tom's hand.

„Nothing that should concern you or would affect Noah. Just internal stuff," Tom assured, changing the subject. „So, I figured we could either go out, order something, or there's a store right around the corner - we could do a little shopping and cook together. I know you hate cooking but I figured it might be fun." He was perfectly fine with leaving it up to her, just as long as they would eat something. He has last had a sandwich for lunch, which had been around noon which resulted in him being _very_ hungry.

„Well, I don't _hate_ it, I'm just not very good at it," Olivia clarified. Truth was, she hated the clean up more than anything else. For a moment she weighed the options. Cooking together did sound better than going out or ordering in, but Olivia feared it might be an embarrassing experience. Not only was she lacking talent in terms of cooking, she was also unorganized, bordering on chaotic, at least in the kitchen. „We could try."

„Great," Tom beamed, grabbing his wallet from the sideboard, shoving it inside the back pocket of his denims. „Do you like salmon?"

„Love it," Olivia told him.

„Fantastic." He knew the perfect recipe that didn't take up more time than the pasta needed cooking. It was quick yet tasty. Tom held the door open for Olivia, letting her step out first before he closed and locked the door. „So, did you have a good week?", he inquired. He had barely gotten to talk to her all week if he didn't count ‚Hello' and ‚Have a good day'.

„I did, actually. It really wasn't too bad." She had made it home for dinner all week, which was unusual. Their cases had all been clean cut, which was a nice change - all things considered.

„We didn't get to talk much, you always seemed to be in a hurry," Tom pointed out as they took the staircase. He had been a little worried over it, but had mentally kicked himself for it instantly. She was a busy woman with a very demanding job, smalltalk in the morning certainly wasn't her top priority.

„It's been busy days," Olivia said apologetically as they stepped outside. The sun was still shining and it was fairly warm. The street was buzzing with locals and tourists as it always did. Tom nodded his head in the direction they had to go, blending in with a cluster of people.

„This way." He looked at her, taking in her profile and he had to admit he was quickly getting used to her new hairdo. If he could, he would like to run his fingers along the full length of her brown hair, just to see how it felt, but obviously that would cross the line. „I _really_ like your new hair cut."

„Thank you," Olivia said blushing, gazing down coyly. Getting complimented was always a little strange, but she didn't usually feel so insecure about what to say in return. Tom sensed her hesitant demeanor and decided to give it a break. „Right over there," he said, nodding his head in the direction of the small corner store.

As they went inside, he grabbed a basket and led Olivia to the fruit and groceries section. „Are chili peppers and garlic okay with you?", he inquired.

„Yes, both is fine," she smiled, looking around.

„Could you get some basil from over there?" He asked with a glance towards the herbs as he reached for a small box of cherry tomatoes and a bunch of spring onions. As Olivia returned with a pot of fresh basil, he smiled softly and lead her towards the dairy aisle. He packed a small piece of parmesan and a cup of cream.

„You didn't tell me you can cook when I told you that I'm a disaster at it," Olivia pointed out.

„I didn't want to rub it in," Tom teased, but from his tone Olivia could tell he didn't mean it. He picked up some smoked salmon and led the way to the pasta.

„You're setting the bar really high here, Tetley," Olivia told him, lightly bumping her elbow into his arm. She had reached a point where she was comfortable around him, at least comfortable enough to poke him. It seemed to have happened overnight that all of a sudden she _trusted_ him. Maybe, she thought, they could be friends. Or maybe that was going to be too much to ask, seeing his interest in her was of a different nature. And probably that was going to be unfair to Tom. She knew now, that despite the attraction and him seemingly being a wonderful guy, she wasn't going to _date_ him. She'd let him know sometime tonight that she wasn't ready to start something, that she probably wouldn't for at least a couple of years. And the realization had already hit that when she would be ready to open herself up to love again, it wouldn't be with Tom because it wasn't realistic that he'd still show an interest at that point. She was well aware, that this was likely the last get together they would have and her heart felt heavy for reasons Olivia couldn't make sense of. Actually, she could. But it was no use to go over this again. She had done it for the past two weeks and made up her mind. Decision made. Point of no return.

„We'll see," Tom laughed as they picked up a pack of spaghetti and made their way over to the checkstand. It was the first time Olivia initiated bodily contact, and although it was a far cry from a loving touch, it was something and something translated to progress. Tom ran his credit card and two minutes later they were out with a bag of groceries in tow.

…

As soon as the groceries were unpacked, Tom got a chopping board and a knife. „Think you can heat water without burning it?" He teased, accentuating his words with a fat grin. Olivia looked quite shocked and snorted, her mouth agape.

„Easy there, pal. You're aware I own a gun and know how to use it, right?" She bit back as she got a pot from one of the open cupboards.

„Just wanted to figure out how bad you're cooking truly is," he quipped lightly, starting to peal a clove of garlic. He glanced at her and saw Olivia smile, obviously as amused as he was about the banter, and God, she was beautiful. He really wondered if it was time to up the game a little bit. He wouldn't kiss her, or worse, try to get in her pants - not for a lack of wanting to, obviously. But there were so many ways in between to show Olivia just _how_ interested he was in her.

„Well, I don't burn wa-„ Olivia started but was interrupt by Tom hissing.

„Shit."

„What happened?" She asked, but she already saw from where she stood as Tom held up his finger, blood running down and creating a trail down to the palm of his hand. At first Olivia wanted to make an ironic comment about how this was God's immediate punishment for him teasing her for her cooking skills but she bit her tongue because she felt bad for him. Walking over she realized it was bleeding quite profusely for a simple cut on the finger. „Let me see this," Olivia said, carefully taking his hand to get a better look at it. It was a rather deep cut to his fingertip. She ripped a leaf of paper towel to stop the bleed. „Do you have band-aid somewhere? Or compresses and a bandage?"

„I'm okay," Tom assured her.

„Yeah, I'm sure you are, you still need to keep this clean, unless you're aiming for an infection, which I can tell you is a real pain in the ass. Or finger."

„In the bathroom cabinet above the lavatory," Tom told her, seeing Olivia instantly turn and head to the bathroom.

Opening the cabinet she looked around. Tylenol, shaving cream, a razor, a beard trimmer, two extra toothbrushes, aftershave, a comb, an opened box of condoms. But no band-aid.

„There's nothing here," she called out.

„There's gotta be," he responded, his footsteps nearing. The kitchen paper wrapped around his finger Tom approached and stepped besides Olivia, scanning the cabinet. Indeed there were none upon first glance, but once he lifted the box of _Trojans_ the smaller box of band-aid was smiling back at them.

„Ah," Olivia said. Obviously she wasn't going to touch his stuff unasked. Retrieving the box, Olivia took out a band-aid. „Let me," she said softly, peeling off the paper towel. The cut was still bleeding but it didn't look like Tom needed medical care. She carefully cleaned the cut and put the band-aid on. „Think you'll live?" The question came softly with an encouraging smile.

„They might have to amputate, but I'll make it through."

„That's good then," Olivia said, slowly letting go of his hand.

„Olivia?"

She briefly closed her eyes, then looked up at him to meet his blue ones, her gaze almost faltering. How was it so hard to stand so close to him and look at him? Why was the air so thick that one could cut it with a knife? „Yeah?"

„Thank you," he said softly but sensed unease and hesitance from Olivia. „Saved my life," he added to take the edge off, and it instantly worked wonders as she chuckled and rolled her eyes.

 _God, why did he have to make it so damned hard?_

…

The sound of sizzling salmon filled the kitchen as Tom added ground a garlic clove and half a finely diced chili pepper to it. He poured some cream into the wok and stirred in two egg yolks while Olivia drained the spaghetti.

„Smells good," she complimented.

„Wait until you taste it." He kept stirring the sauce that now thickened. Ground parmesan joined the creamy sauce as well as some salt and ground pepper. The spaghetti, spring onions and halved tomatoes went in and were tossed in the wok, blending with the other ingredients before Tom walked past Olivia, briefly and not at all accidentally touching Olivia's side as he stepped around her, reaching for the grater to add some more parmesan on top. While she didn't step out of his way, there was a reaction he didn't know how to classify. She didn't flinch, she didn't freeze, but he has noticed a little breather.

„Sorry," he apologized, removing his hand. It might have happened accidentally, he told himself. It didn't, of course, but Olivia couldn't know that. And then he wondered why the hell he was apologizing when he couldn't even tell for sure if it had bothered her. It was just a feeling.

„No, it's alright," she stammered, her brain fuzzy. What was she to say? That it wasn't? He had just stepped around her and happened to touch her. Maybe it happened deliberately, maybe it didn't. The problem was that for a split second Olivia's heart had leapt out of her chest. There must be something wrong with her, she decided. She's made a decision, a simple touch shouldn't have such an effect on her. It shouldn't cause doubt, self-doubt to be exact. It shouldn't feel like she was losing something she has never had to begin with. His hand on her hip had made her skin crawl and the spot felt cold as he had pulled it away just as quickly as it had landed on her.

Tom wasn't sure if it was. In fact, he didn't know anything anymore. Things were definitely not going too fast. It was a fourth date and while he was perfectly fine with giving her time and taking it slow all of these mixed signals were messing with his head. He was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place and this was a first when it came to dating. In the past four years Tom had dated rather casually. For the first two years after the break-up from his ex, he really had no ambition to get into a serious relationship and once that had changed he wasn't lacking dates, but there seemed to be little chemistry and it never developed to an exclusive stage. During that time sex had kind of been the point and if things didn't progress in those terms he didn't want to invest the energy to wait until after the third or fourth date. He easily moved on. With Olivia things were obviously different. For the first time in a long time he had a serious interest in a woman and while she was of course wildly attractive in his eyes, he had no problem to give her however much time she needed. But they had neither kissed nor exchanged loving caresses, which made him wonder if holding on made any sense at all. Of course they were building trust on an emotional level, but Tom was worried he was pushed off into the friend zone. It wasn't that he wanted to bed her - although he did - but only because he had sincere feelings for her, naturally he would also love to have some kind of physical relationship with her. For every step forward there seemed to be two steps back.

The extra parmesan had by now slipped from his mind and he went to get two plates, forks and spoons instead. Wordlessly he served the pasta, sprinkling both dishes with a few leaves of basil. „Well, dinner's ready," he tried to sound upbeat despite the mood shift.

„It looks amazing." She took the utensils, following Tom who had picked up both plates and carried them to the coffee table.

„Sorry, I should probably get a small dining table sometime in the future."

„It's okay, this will do," Olivia assured.

„Would you like some wine? I've got a Riesling."

„Chilled?"

„Of course," he chuckled, getting up to get it from the refrigerator. He poured each of them a glass, returning.

„So, you want to watch the next Harry Potter movie or…?"

„I think that was the plan," she smiled without really looking at him. Instead she took her fork and picked half a cherry tomato up. Yes, the shift in atmosphere was definitely palpable.

Tom grabbed the DVD Box and inserted the second movie into the player before he sat back down and started the film. They ate in silence and Tom stopped Olivia from wanting to start the clean-up in the kitchen, simply piling their empty plates and pushing them further away.

„This one seems a little better than the first one, huh?" He had to say something, this silence was killing him, but even worse than that was the tension radiating off of Olivia ever since they have left the kitchen.

„Yeah," Olivia said a little bit too quickly.

„It's a bit awkward, isn't it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable earlier, Olivia." He thought the best way to clear this up was to say it out loud, not act like it never happened.

Olivia, picking up her wine glass, took a long sip. God, she had hoped he wouldn't bring it up. „You didn't," she said, clearing her throat. And he really didn't make her uncomfortable, at least not in the way he probably thought.

„Then wha -," He was interrupted by a knock on the door, wondering who the hell that might be. „I'm sorry. I'll just-," He got up, making his way over to the door. „Probably my neighbor, she's always got _something_ that's bothering her." Mrs. Richter sure was a fountain of joy - NOT. Tom wondered what the hell she had to complain about this time. Opening the door however, Tom's eyes widened and before he could even get his sister's name out, she was blubbering and breezing past him.

„I have my first night out since Abbie's birth, can you…" Rebecca stopped dead as she saw the woman sitting on the sofa, good looking she quickly noted, before her gaze fell to the plates and the wine glasses. „Oh. I didn't know you had company-," she said apologetically without actually meaning she was sorry. She turned to look at Tom, smirking only when his date couldn't see. He usually wasn't secretive about dates, he mentioned them to her on the phone, not in great detail, but at least he didn't hide the fact when he was seeing someone. So, in Rebecca's book this was a good sign.

„You would've known if you had called first, Becca," Tom said matter-of-factly but it did little to deter his sister.

„I didn't plan on stopping by," she pointed out before she turned and walked over to his date. „Hi, I'm Rebecca, Tom's sister. So sorry to interrupt, I'll be gone in a second."

Olivia seemed to be a little overwhelmed. She had heard a lot about Rebecca but didn't think she'd meet her anytime soon, if ever. Tom quickly stepped in, trying to do damage control before Becca could say something stupid.

„Becca, this is Olivia."

„Hey, nice to meet you. I've heard… a lot about you," Olivia said, shaking the strawberry-blondes hand.

„Did you?" Becca smiled. Actually, that was fantastic because it spoke for the dates. „Unfortunately I haven't heard a single thing about you _yet_ ," Becca said, her tone accusatory as she looked at Tom who instantly rubbed the bridge of his nose in both embarrassment and overextension. This was the worst fucking time for her to show up and run her big mouth.

„Becca-," He warned, his tone harsher than Olivia had ever heard and it did show immediate effect with his sister as she raised her eyebrows. „Well, I better go, I actually do have plans. It was really nice meeting you, Olivia." Rebecca offered a genuine smile before she turned to look at Tom. „Do you have a second?"

„Actually, it's not the best time." The last thing he wanted to do was leave Olivia alone here, the interruption and behavior of his sister had been bad enough.

„It's fine," Olivia assured. „You go ahead, I need a bathroom break anyway," she said quickly. „It was nice meeting you Rebecca," she said before she was headed out the living room.

Sighing, Tom went to the door, holding it open. „Outside," he told Rebecca as he grabbed his keys. Rebecca followed, an audible _phew_ noise filling the silence as she closed the door behind them.

„She seems nice. Pretty," Becca pointed out, hoping to appease her brother. „For how long have you been seeing her?"

„Becca, don't."

„Is it serious or are you just screwing around? I mean, it looks serious. Wine, food, movie - certainly not a first date or is it?"

He rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. He had nothing to explain or justify to Becca, and he certainly didn't see the need to answer such a private question. Even if he _was_ just screwing Olivia - it was none of Rebecca's business.

„You like her," Rebecca grinned. „That's why you don't want to talk about it. That's good, Tommy. Mom's going to love this."

„You're _not_ going to tell our mother, Rebecca, you hear me?"

„Don't worry, I'll leave that one up to you," she said with a sigh. „Although I am a little bummed you didn't tell me about her." Usually they told each other everything, especially about love interests. And while Tom didn't have anyone he had wanted to get serious with in years, this was nice for a change and she was happy for him.

Tom briefly closed his eyes, knowing he would have been disappointed in her, too. Of course they each had a private life, but in the past they told each other everything that was going on in their lives. „I do like her, it's the fourth date but I'm not sure she's interested in more than… whatever it is."

„Just sex?", Rebecca asked dryly. Of course she's had her fair of ‚relationships' that never moved past dates and fucking.

Tom scoffed. „No, but you do know I wouldn't discuss it with you if it were." He had always drawn the line there, the most he would disclose was if it was serious or casual.

„Fourth date and nothing?" Rebecca asked softly.

„It's complicated. She's got a kid, a demanding job, long hours. She's hesitant about starting something," Tom gave her a summary of where they stood, making his sister frown. „I know," he sighed.

„It's not my place, I know," she said, biting her tongue. She only hoped he wasn't going to get hurt. Tom however, shook his head lightly, feeling like he needed a bit of female perspective.

„This one time: give it to me straight."

Rebecca thought about it for a moment, picking her words carefully. „I think you're going to get hurt if you get involved with someone who doesn't know what she wants. I mean, kids, a job, little time - that's describing pretty much most mothers, Tom. Doesn't mean they're not ready to be in a relationship. She either really isn't looking for someone steady, or she's just not… interested in you, at least not in that way."

„I don't think she's not interested, there's something there, I just don't know… whatever I do, it feels like I'm pushing her boundaries."

„Okay, then talk to her about it. If you think there's something, then maybe she does just need some time to build an emotional relationship first. Bottom line: talk. And read between the lines, maybe she is trying to get a message across but she doesn't want to hurt you. If it kind of sounds like a no, it's a no, Tommy, however nice it sounds."

„I thought so," he smiled sadly but then shook his head. „Thanks, Becca. And sorry for… I didn't want to be an ass in there. It's a strange situation and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable."

„I get it," she said, hugging him tightly. „Call, okay? If you need to talk, I mean."

„I will. Love you, Becca. Enjoy your night out and get home safe."

„Always," she petted his back before untangling from him. „And just for the record, I hope it all works out for you. But if it doesn't - there's plenty of fish in the sea, Tom. You'll find someone. Someone great."

It was the last thing he wanted to hear, but he knew his sister meant well. „Oh, I know. I know," he said softly, putting on a brave face.

„I'll see you soon. You should come around for dinner sometime," Becca said as she waved goodbye and slowly walked away.

He had known it even without Becca's advise. There were two options, either he would put all his energy into further dates, hoping Olivia would eventually come around, or he would have to cut his losses and move on. There really was no in between. He was already falling for her hard and getting his heart broken was something he was worried about. He couldn't even blame any of this on Olivia, she had been pretty straight with him from the start by saying she couldn't date him. Only he had figured the age gap had been the only thing holding her back when obviously there was more than that. Maybe it was time he faced the truth. It wasn't going to work out. If a simply touch could cause a huge shift like it did today, creating an atmosphere of awkwardness, then maybe it was not meant to be. He could deal with it. He has been at that very same point before in his life, only it never really bothered him all that much. Somehow with Olivia it felt different. And he still couldn't completely shake that feeling that she was it, that she was the one. But what good was it if she didn't feel the same?

The last time he had felt this low was when Sarah had finally left him, despite his efforts to repair the relationship after her affair. It had felt like life had tricked him. The only difference was that back then it had changed his whole life. It was in shambles. Sarah had moved out within days, he was stuck in a three bedroom apartment with… nothing much. It had taken months for him to get back on his feet and start a new life here in New York City. This time he wasn't losing anything, after all he has never had Olivia in the first place but that same emptiness was there regardless.

Stalling for time Tom leaned against the hallway wall, trying to get a grip. When he was ready to go back in, he put on a smile and unlocked the door. Olivia sat on the couch, gaze flitting to him as he stepped inside.

„Hey. I'm sorry about that, I had no idea she was going to stop by."

„That's okay. She's… lively," Olivia said with a small smile. Lively but definitely likable but a little intimidating at the same time.

„Lively's putting it mildly most of the time. But she's got a good heart." Tom threw the keys back into the wooden bowl on the sideboard with a clank, then made his way over to the couch.

„I'm sure she does. Wanna… keep watching?" Olivia asked, and it sounded like more than a simple question. An invitation. Tom had wanted to talk, get it all out in the open but he figured he might as well revel in her presence for another forty minutes.

„I'd like that," he agreed, sitting down next to her, close enough so their upper arms touched. This time there was no odd reaction, in fact Olivia looked at him and smiled, her eyes calm. She seemed content. This woman was really fucking with his head, however unintentional. What did they say about the best laid plans? Tom's now were pretty much out the window.

…

 _To be continued…_


	14. For Bitter Or Worse

**Author's note: The intention was for this to be longer, but it just felt right to end the chapter there. As for Liv and Tom... they're (probably :p ) going to get there. Just bear with me. Reviews are always appreciated because I do love to hear what you think or where you want this to go, where you DON'T want this to go - you get the idea. Although those characters seem to have a life of their own, this has sort of turned out very different from what I thought it would be.**

 **Enough of the talk - here we go.**

Harry Potter and his friends sure were a lot braver than her, Olivia thought as she watched the boy with the lightening shaped scar on his forehead tackle the Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets. Here she was with her mind all made up but too scared to tell Tom that she wasn't going to engage in further dates. She didn't know how to explain without sounding like an idiot or a liar. Maybe she should just let actions speak for her. Cancel the next date, apologize, let things fade out. Although that would be an asshole move and she didn't want to be an asshole. For the past thirty minutes they have sat on the sofa. Close. Really damned close. And that proximity was all the more discouraging. His arm touched hers and it was warm and comfortable. But as much as Olivia was second guessing herself, there was just no way for her to let herself get convinced that any of this was a good idea. Some attraction and _maybe_ infatuation wasn't worth the pain that was sure to follow.

„Do you still have some time or do you need to get home?" The fight against the Basilisk was over and won, Tom Riddles Diary that held part of his soul destroyed. Ten points for Gryffindor. However, she wasn't quite ready to go ahead and do the talk.

„Um, I've got some time." She reached for her glass of wine, taking a sip. Another thirty minutes, maybe an hour, she bargained with herself. A little more time to work up the courage and get her words to sound plausible in her head.

„Wanna watch another?" Or one and a half to two hours, Olivia thought. Just as well.

„Yeah, sure, that sounds good." She regretted it the moment his eyes lit up with and his smile, that she has gotten so used to, was directed at her. Jesus fucking Christ, was she leading him on? She wanted time to work out her rejection and he probably thought there was a greater reason that made her stay for the third Potter movie.

„Great." He smiled his usual smile, showing just a hint of dimples as his hand found hers, his fingers wrapping around hers, trying to take another step ahead. Olivia didn't pull away but she lowered her gaze, unable to look him in the eyes. Tom recognized it easily and beyond a doubt - she was conscience-stricken. And just like that every last bit of hope crumbled. Whatever it was - it was now irrevocably over and made Tom's heart sink with heaviness and a crippling ache. His smile was replaced by a stern expression, then changed to a weak attempt at a smile once more but it only looked sad and pathetic, at least it was how it felt to him. „This isn't going to work out, is it?" It was posed a question when the resignation in his voice was matter of fact.

 _Crack._

The question cut like a knife and just by his sight, the disappointment in his kind blue eyes, Olivia's heart was breaking for him. Biting her lip, she slowly retrieved her hand, gathering the courage to look up at him. She wasn't ready for this, but it no longer was up to her and Tom deserved to hear it from her now.

„I am sorry," she croaked. „I wanted to talk to you, I would have-„

„Olivia, it's alright, just… just please answer the question," he pleaded with her.

„It's not going to work out." The words scattered around them and she saw Tom nod slowly, shoulders sagging just a little bit before he straightened and stood up.

„I knew," he scoffed softly. „I mean, I think I knew, I was hoping I was wrong, but you did say it before. I shouldn't have pestered you like that."

„It's not like that, Tom. You've never pestered me. I needed time to figure it out and I hate that I have to do this. But I thought… I was hoping that maybe we could stay in touch. As friends." She couldn't believe how pathetic she sounded. Deep down Olivia knew she had never really tried to make it work and the realization spread through her veins like poison. Essentially, she had stolen three months worth his time. There was no escaping that regret, nor could she possibly apologize enough for it.

The first thing that shot into Tom's head was _fuck being friends._ Then he juggled the idea around in his head but his initial, sobering thought lasted. Remaining _friends_ was an illusion that worked in movies, but certainly not in real life. How could he possibly pretend he wasn't in love with her, that he wasn't preoccupied with thoughts of wanting to touch and kiss her, all the while hoping she'd fall for him, too? That somehow friendship had the power to turn things around. He'd only suffer his way through every minute spent with Olivia and it wouldn't be fair to her or him. Pretending had never been a strong suit of his.

„Friends," he repeated softly. „I don't think that's going to work for me, Olivia. No offense, but-", Tom took a breather until his lungs screamed and demanded oxygen. „- it would blur the lines for me. I don't think I can be _just_ your friend. At least not right now." He wouldn't be able to deal with her as a constant reminder of what he had wished and hoped for. Seeing her every morning would be hard enough, beyond what he could even comprehend now. After their first date facing her had been one thing, now that he had already fallen in love with her it was quite an other. It was different now. She no longer was just Noah's mother, not one of many parents that came and went. Olivia was now part of his history, a chapter in the book of his life. More than that she was a lesson learned. He'd never walk on such a thin, breakable line ever again and ask out one of his pupil's parents. Under no circumstances would he ever face plant it again.

Olivia stared at her hands as she rubbed the thumb of her left hand. There was no surprise there, she really didn't expect that friendship was in the cards for them. God, what the hell had she been thinking to put him through this? To put herself in this position when she had known how it would end from the very beginning? She had never meant for this to happen, to hurt him. Tom was such a kind soul, so sincere, patient and accommodating to her every need and she was right there, fully aware, just waiting for this train wreck to happen. She didn't once think of taking precautions to protect him from her destructiveness.

 _Well done, Benson. Really fucking well done._

„I-," she exhaled shakily, combing her restless fingers through her hair. „I should probably go."

Tom didn't even think to argue this time. „You probably should."

He wasn't bitter, after all he had known it might end this way. He wanted to stand by his words, that no matter what there would be no hard feelings. Olivia had been hesitant from the start, it was him that didn't want to take no for an answer. Basically, Tom had set himself up for the heartache.

Trying to swallow the bile in her throat, Olivia got up, trying to muster what was left of her dignity. Once more she had revealed the worst in her, leaving nothing but devastation. Slowly, she took her handbag, then looked at Tom, trying to come up with something more to say. There was nothing. She could talk all she wanted, but it wasn't going to fix anything for Tom. „I'm sorry," she eventually whispered.

„Don't be," he responded softly. He would make due with feeling sorry himself. In fact, he felt sorry for her as she stood there, looking so crestfallen.

God, she couldn't take it. Here she was, crushing his hopes and he was still being nice to her. He should give her a piece of his mind. She _wanted_ him to show how upset he was, to tell her she shouldn't have put him through four dates when she has had no intention to take it further than _friendship._ But he was just… being Tom.

They both seemed to wait for something. Him for her to leave, her for him to say something more. Eventually, Olivia willed her feet to move towards the door and without looking back she quietly closed it behind her.

…

She's managed to keep a perfectly relaxed face through ten minutes of smalltalk with Lucy before her Nanny walked away with an airy _Goodnight._ Optimistically, she had survived the car ride back home, telling herself it was going to be alright. It was now in her kitchen, that the tension needed release. Stoically, Olivia reached for the bottle of Bourbon on the highest shelf in her open kitchen cabinet. She had eyed a tumbler but figured what the hell, she wasn't going to get any extra points for etiquette. The silence inside her apartment was paralyzing, despite the traffic noise that filtered through the badly isolated window. Screwing off the bottle top, Olivia flung it onto the counter. Her eyes fell to her sofa that was only eight, maybe ten steps away but she was lacking the energy or will to move even that much. Less than an hour ago she had sat comfortably on Tom's sofa, trying to buy time. Now here she was on her own again. Well, almost. There was still her friend David Nicholson - Kentucky Straight Bourbon. He wouldn't let her down. Not like she let people down.

Taking a swig straight from the bottle, her hand wrapped firmly around its neck, Olivia closed her eyes. The burning sensation as she swallowed was both, exquisite and offensive. Her throat felt raw as the dark golden liquid settled in her stomach and spread throughout her body in warm waves but the effect she had so desperately hoped for never happened. It was still as hard to breathe as it had been when she had uttered the words that would now define her relationship to Tom - whatever that would look like. Hollowness swallowed her little by little and she couldn't begin to understand why she didn't feel relief. Things were finally out in the open, she no longer had to wreck her brain how to tell him or even try and figure out if a tiny part of her wanted to be with him. Nothing made any sense at all. Hadn't she been entirely sure that this was exactly what she wanted? Not having to worry about yet another person? To focus on Noah and only Noah? Well, and her job. Then why did she now have this crippling feeling? Why did something about this feel off and wrong?

She stood motionless for minutes that felt like hours, before she sat down, the floor cold beneath her ass. Legs pulled up almost to her chest, Olivia stared at her refrigerator that was decorated with pictures Noah had drawn in pre-school and pre-school was directly linked to Tom.

Tom. That image of him as she had broken the news to him was still stuck in her mind. Olivia could practically see it even now and she didn't even have to close her eyes. The sadness. The devastation. That moment of complete realization that had dulled the blue of his eyes.

Fuck.

He hadn't even tried to hide what he was feeling, and that alone made Tom Tetley special. With him nothing was masked, no guessing games. There was no false pride with him, only truth and facts, whether he wanted them all spread out for her to see or not.

She nipped from the Bourbon again, still awaiting this overwhelming sense of calm that usually accompanied the stiff drink but deep inside she was starting to bubble like an active volcano. She knew that feeling well. When lungs didn't fill, didn't work properly anymore despite her sucking in breath after breath. When she moved, if only enough to touch the bottle to her lips, and still felt paralyzed on the inside. She felt it coming on in the way her stomach tightened painfully and her eyes burned like dust had settled on her opened eyes.

 _You are not going to cry. You can't lose it now. Pull yourself together, goddammit!_

For the fraction of a second she was there again, with him, feeling the warmth of his hand encasing her fingers once more, the gentle squeeze that held more than he had ever expressed with words, although he did say so many things. Beautiful things. Hopeful things. She had felt herself physically relax at the gentle touch but something bigger had gotten in the way, because she had already made her decision and she was not the person to get derailed by something like a _touch_ or momentary emotions caused by said touch. Only now she wished derailment had been a possibility.

There was something in her eye and she blinked once, twice. The air in the room was thin, too thin to breathe. Her respiration turned irregular, out of control - just as out of control as this whole dating game had gotten - and before she could fully comprehend what was happening she was overcome by sobs, her chest erratically spasming as whatever had been boiling up erupted.

She felt cold and everything that was meant to be whole cracked within her, leaving her to bleed out and fuck, it hurt. It wasn't supposed to be like this, to feel like this. Words were trapped beneath her skin, words she hadn't even dared to truly think about, and now here she sat and the drink was peeling layer after layer of skin off her body, leaving only raw flesh, uncovering things unspoken, things unknown.

Eventually her quiet sobs died down. Her face felt too tight and cakey, like the tears had left a thick crust on her cheeks. Her breathing was eerily calm and she took a fat guess that it was for the fact she was skin-deep in burning whisky.

There was a little voice in Olivia's head, whispering to her about mistakes and things that can't be undone. She sardonically thought to herself, that she knew about mistakes. Her life has started as just that. A mistake. Something that was never supposed to happen. Essentially her whole existence was based on something terrible and no matter how she looked at it, it couldn't be turned into something right, something _good_.

Mistakes. They came with blame. Maybe, she thought, she could or even should blame her mother with her lack of emotional availability. Not only towards Olivia but in general. Was it any wonder that she was incapable of making relationships work when her mother had been the poster child for all things dysfunctional? The men had come and gone. Olivia had watched. Some of them she had liked, two of them a lot. But Serena had made damned sure none of them had stuck around for much longer than a few months, a year tops. And when they had gone her mother had drowned herself in self-pity, crawling to the bottom of yet another bottle of wine, vodka or whatever was stashed away in various places all over their apartment. She sure had learned from the best. But really, she shouldn't try to pin this on her mother. This was her mess, one of the many she had created in her life.

As much as she tried to decipher what had brought on that total breakdown, waterworks and all, Olivia couldn't. All that was left was the sinking feeling that something was not quite right about how all of this Tom business had gone. Suddenly there was this lingering doubt trying to crawl to the surface. There was a maybe. Maybe she should have taken some more time. Just a day or a week or even a month. Maybe she should have engaged in some self-reflection before letting it all go to hell. Maybe… she should have fought. But that was just the thing. Olivia didn't know _how_ to fight. Never did. When things got muddled she was always headed in one direction and one direction only: out. It wasn't even that she didn't want to fight for things, or that she was complacent enough to believe certain things weren't worth fighting for. But to want something and do something about it were two very different things.

She often heard people say that she was fearless. That was bullshit. She didn't leave much space for fear on the job but her private life had always been a different matter. She knew fear. She was fucking scared when it came to love and opening herself up to someone else. That wasn't news to her. She wasn't oblivious to the areas of her life needing improvement.

Quite possibly none of all that even played into her actions. Maybe it was just that she didn't _believe_ in true love. Well, she believed there was _love_ , but not the fairy tale kind that she had grown up fantasizing about when she was still a little girl. When princes on white horses still seemed real. Before the harsh reality hit. When had she ever seen pure and unconditional love between two people that weren't mother and child? Elliot had been married for over two decades and she had seen that go to shit. Carrie had been with her husband since their last year in college and she knew enough to assume that hadn't always been a walk in a park full of flowers and pixie dust. Love was complicated. It was hard work and all the shit Olivia had seen had somehow done its part in disenchanting her.

The very last thing she needed was complicated. There was no need to bawl or hurt. It would work itself out in the end. It would. _It would_.

…


	15. Jerusalem

He was sat at his sister's large spruce dinner table, dimensioned for ten people although she, her husband Walt and the baby were a small family of three. They rarely had more than two people over at once, so the massive piece of furniture had never made sense to Tom. Then again it made perfect sense, because Rebecca's cooking style was some weird combination of warm and cold finger foods, soups and dips. He figured she had learned that during their trip to Europe, in Spain probably, inspired by the tapas bars that were to find at every corner. Rebecca had never been a talented cook, but she had somehow turned that into something strong. She threw a little bit of everything together, put it in the oven or tossed it in a pan for a couple of minutes. Rebecca would never make a decent turkey, but this she was good at and somehow he had gotten used to her style of fusion food, to all the small plates and bowls or beautiful wooden serving trays.

He had agreed to the dinner invitation reluctantly and only because he had wanted to see little Abbie, his niece, who was now one and a half years old, walking on her two chubby, perfect toddler legs, charming the hell out of him with her toothy grins and giggles. This child was perfection, if there was such a thing.

As little as Tom had been in the mood for company in the past two weeks, he eventually had had to get out of the house for other reasons than work. Plucking his guitars for hours and hours was getting a little old, even though it calmed and balanced him.

Breezing into the dining area of the living room, Rebecca put down a beer in front of Tom, coming to sit down across from him. Her gaze quickly flitted to Abigail who was busy tearing out pages of her various magazines, which she figured was safe enough.

„So, how did that date go with… Olivia, was it?"

Here it came. He couldn't say he was surprised Rebecca asked, in fact he had fully expected it. He took a swig from his Heineken, washing down the lump in his throat.

„Depends how you want to look at it," he said a little too easily. Rebecca, always able to read him, pursed her lips so much that they built a perfectly straight line. „She told me it wasn't going to work out."

„I'm sorry," Rebecca offered.

„Nah, it's… it didn't come as that much of a surprise. It's okay." It was not. It was ten shades of fucked up.

„At least now you know and can… move on, right? Put it behind you."

That sounded fantastic. In theory. It wasn't like he hadn't told himself the exact same thing for first few days, only problem was that moving on wasn't as easy when he had to see Olivia every day.

„Actually, I can't. I mean, I will but-," he scoffed, looking at Abbie, the sounds of rustling magazine pages a welcome distraction when his pause would create silence otherwise. „They say _never fuck the company_ but I guess they should have told me never to date mothers of your pupils," he chuckled cynically. „Then again, that rule should probably go without saying."

„Wow."

„Yeah. Not the smartest move." _No shit, Sherlock._

„Isn't that against policies or something?" Rebecca frowned.

„Actually it's not, I had the foresight to check, there obviously wasn't enough left to think of repercussions," he said dryly. He had always been too goddamn optimistic. The glass was always half full, and in love the grass was always greener. He should have listened to Olivia the very first time around, when he had worked up the courage to finally ask her out. Instead of taking her concerns and hesitation at face value he had focused on the bright side of it all. At the end of the day he was just a regular guy who hadn't bothered to read between the lines and consider the aftermath long enough. „I guess it would've been frowned upon, tho." That should be his focus. In a way it spared him a whole lot of talking behind his back.

„I bet it's… weird?" Becca asked, wondering how the dynamics have shifted.

„So weird," he exhaled heavily. „For a few days she wouldn't even look me in the eye. Now she does but it's just uncomfortable. We don't talk and I'm dreading when I actually will have to," Tom confessed. Truth was, he didn't even know how to approach her now. Was it still okay to go by her first name, or should he keep it strictly professional and treat her like any other parent? Could he still sit down with her for a report on Noah's progress, pretending he didn't remember how the sound of her laughter made his heart beat just a little faster or how the curve of her hip felt beneath his palm? Tom must have been kidding himself thinking he could deal with all of this, that none of it would influence his professionalism.

„Weird enough to look for another job?"

Toms gaze flitted to Rebecca, meeting her eyes that still held the question. He stumbled, paused. It was not like he hadn't thought about it. He loved the job, the school, his class. Miriam was going to be on maternity leave starting in a few weeks and planning to stay home with her child for a year, maybe two. He _could_ put in a request to take her class, the only problem was that he had no idea how to cause it with the headmaster and his colleagues.

„I'm not going to leave the school, income-wise that'd be suicide," he shook his head. „I told her I could handle it before we first went out." Pretending really wasn't something Tom had ever been good at. This wasn't something he could stitch back together, nothing to simply patch up and walk on with no harm done. He should have left it, never touched it. He should have kept his mouth shut instead of asking her out, quietly admiring her beauty. He should have chewed and swallowed his amazement with her _because_ she was Noah's mother, _because_ there had been things at risk. Like his professionalism as an educator, like his _heart._ He hadn't intended to fall for her, of course. Not as fast, not as hard. Certainly not to a point of no return that eventually had irrevocably changed the dynamics between teacher and parent, more so between the man he was and the woman she is. He should have been sticking to dates with complete strangers, the whole dinner and wine at a restaurant or bar thing with heavy flirting that would eventually have ended with some blonde or brunette tangled in his sheets. Instead he had allowed Olivia Benson to course through his veins, had allowed himself to breathe her in only to realize that now when he had to, he couldn't get her out.

„But you can't?"

„I don't know." It was horribly difficult to breathe through the admission, a hollow ache once more ripping through his chest. He could have blatantly lied but even half the truth would have felt like acid in his mouth.

Rebecca leaned back as her brother's gaze shifted back to her little girl who was now walking towards him with crumpled imprinted paper in her tiny fists. She felt the need to tell him it was going to be alright, that he had to give it some time, but with a heart recently broken those words merely sounded like empty phrases. A feeling of deja-vu hit her. This whole situation felt eerily similar to when Sarah had left him, after fucking some accountant from her firm for God knows how long on top of it. A vibe of hopelessness and helplessness had been radiating off of her brother then just as much as it was now. Rebecca couldn't remember that he had ever fallen in love so quickly. All of his serious relationships had developed slowly when it came to the emotional part. She had been glad and relieved to see him wanting to get serious with someone again, ready to _trust_ someone with his heart. Naturally, she was angry at the woman she had only met briefly once but didn't know anything about except she was a mother to one of Tom's pupils. She was good looking, a stunner, really. She looked older then them but that could have been due to stress and exhaustion. God knew she herself had aged since she had Abbie. Olivia probably didn't know how much devastation Sarah had left in her wake, or else she wouldn't have risked hurting Tom. Only if he would tell her otherwise would she throttle the woman.

She watched Tom pick up Abigail, who cooed happily, then let out a squeal of excitement.

„What's that, peanut? So young and already reading what- Cosmo?" Tom beamed. He loved this little girl to pieces. For a moment with her securely hoisted on his lap he even felt whole. There was something magical about babies, something so hopeful in their delicate being. Nothing could sooth this ache like Abbie and the drool that was pooling on the back of his hand in that very second.

…

Their silence had never felt so awkward. _So awkward_ , Olivia kept thinking as she held her iPhone to her ear, waiting for some big revelation or even another free shrinking session from Carrie. Not a bit of it. Only silence, slapping in her face.

After an eternity there's a rustle.

„Okay." Finally. But wait. Okay? _Okay?_ Was that supposed to be all? She had picked up the goddamn phone and filled Carrie in on the fact that she had kind of dated Tom, the teacher. The person her friend had been all over, pushing her to give it a chance. And Olivia had, which was why now they stood where they stood, right in front of an invisible abyss.

„That's all? Okay?" Come on, this was Carrie. She had to have something to say about this. Olivia had stripped this whole thing down, layer for layer, recounting the dates, the last one included, in perfect detail. She had taken days to ready herself for her friend's inevitable rant and nothing?

„I'm sure you did the right thing." This couldn't be right. This didn't sound like Carrie at all. Carrie pestered and scrutinized. Carrie definitely never said she had done the right thing, either.

„You do? You think I've done the right thing telling him it's not going to work out?" Olivia really needed her to spell it out for her again. Slowly. Clearly. Just so there would be no mistaking. There was a rustling of paper in the background.

„Hmmhmm. Well, I think you had your reasons." Of course she had her reasons. Good reasons. She should relax and be grateful for the…support? But this was bullshit. This didn't sound like support, it reeked of indifference and it bothered her.

„You think I had my reasons?" She repeated this really slowly, hearing a groan in response.

„I don't know what you want to hear from me, Liv." It sounded exasperated. Since when did it matter to Olivia what she said or thought? It wasn't like she truly took it into consideration anyway. She had promised during her visit in New York that she would back off and she had. No more questions, no more pushing. Every breath spent on the teacher issue had turned out to be a waste, so why talk? Why get into it?

„I wanna hear what you are _thinking_ ," Olivia retorted. God, she felt tired and drained. Ever since she had broken up - well, not broken up, there was nothing to actually break off - she had immersed herself in her work. File after file, case after case. She had put her former self to shame because she had never felt this productive when it had come to paperwork. She had gotten the ‚Are you alright's' from pretty much the whole squad after introducing a no bullshit attitude and part of her had felt sorry for the one or other snappy remark towards Carisi and Amanda. But this. This was something she had needed to do, to tell Carrie, to… receive the obligatory kick in the ass because that's what Carrie had always been best at. Olivia wanted to hear that she had screwed it up, she needed _someone_ to tell her how much of a failure she was in terms of love interests and relationships.

„That's new."

„Carrie, are you pissed at me? Because if there's a problem, then you can just say so, you know? I'm a big girl, I can take it." Something about her attitude didn't feel right. A sassy banter wasn't unusual for them, but something about this felt undeniably off.

„I'm not pissed, I'm…," She stopped and thought for a moment, putting down her ballpoint pen. „Look Liv, you asked me not to get into your business and I get that. You didn't want to go out with him from the start and maybe me saying you should was part of why you did. You tried, it didn't work out for you - for whatever reason. Relationship between people are… sometimes stuff get's in the way, you know?"

It almost 1AM in the morning and she hasn't slept properly in so long. She really couldn't deal with this shit, with this dance of hidden truths. And what the hell was it Carrie was trying to say anyway?

„Like things have gotten in the way with us, is that it?" The tone was sharp and bitter with just enough accusation thrown in there. She really couldn't do this.

„Not what I'm saying."

„Then what _are_ you saying, Carr?"

Somehow the truth was in all the silence, in all the things unspoken in the past couple of months. She couldn't change Olivia or the way she perceived the world, perceived love and relationships and her belief that it was all finite. It had always been somewhat frustrating, but this time even more than usual, because Olivia was searching for faults, for reasons she couldn't or shouldn't do this or that. The constant running and lying to herself that Olivia had done for years was getting unbearable and the thing was that she had never really cared about what Carrie truly thought, at least not enough for it to encourage a change.

„Liv, I love you, you know that. But I'm not sure I should still be the person you talk to when it comes to… this. I mean, you _do_ know what I am thinking."

„Then who am I supposed to talk to about _this_ , Carrie?" It was like a slap in the face, like after all those years Carrie had said something that turned their past into something small and meaningless.

„Maybe someone you trust more than you do me. Or maybe it's not even about trust, with you it's hard to tell sometimes. The thing is, you tell me something, and usually it comes in bits and pieces over the course of months, if it comes at all. When you broke up with Ed, you told me but you also didn't tell me. It's been eight months or so until you shared even a little bit. And that's okay, I know that's how you deal with stuff. To me it starts to feel that you don't value my opinion unless I'm backing you up on whatever decisions you make."

„This is different, Carrie. Who should I talk to? I can talk to myself, but that's not going to give me any perspective, or is it?"

„You should probably talk to someone who knows you better than I do."

 _Bam!_

That one hit home. So much so, that Olivia was lacking a response entirely. Again the silence, that all consuming quiet.

„You really wanna hear what I think, Liv? I do think it was a mistake, despite your reasons. And I think that's what you want to hear, I also think you had hoped that just like before he would keep telling you to think about it some more. In my expert opinion I would dare say you were so intrigued by him that the more you liked him, the more you made an endless effort to push him away to see if he was going to stick around or leave you to twist in the wind. But Liv - you know what the thing is? If you tell someone for sure that it's not going to work out for you? They are eventually going to move on."

…

Never had Olivia imagined to be sitting in this office because of a man, relationship-issues or well - non-relationship issues in this case. However, Carrie's words had not only left anger and resentment but also an impression with her. She was now officially one of _these_ people, someone who couldn't figure shit out without her shrink.

She hadn't been in therapy for quite some time because hey, she had been doing good. She dealt. But now she was floundering and it wasn't pretty. She wasn't seeking advice, although in parts maybe she was. What Olivia wanted was for someone to help her put things into perspective and Lindstrom had always helped with that.

„So, Olivia, long time no see. How are you?" She was reminded of the very first time she sat in his office, confronted by the man now sitting face-to-face with her. His calm voice had once made her feel uncomfortable, like someone who didn't belong on his couch to talk about her innermost feelings and thoughts. But after a few sessions things had started to fall into place and that trait she used to hate with a passion had turned into something she had come to appreciate.

„I'm good - all things considered." She was. Noah was doing just fine, the job was the job, she was still the person she had always been. There had been no kidnappings by psycho-slash-sociopaths, no hostage situations and she didn't think of jumping off a cliff, either. All in all she was _fine._

„That's good to hear," he smiled, crossing his legs in his chair, never once taking his eyes off of her. That was another thing about him. He could look at her for a whole session, gaze not once faltering. Truth was, sometimes it creeped her out, because it felt that even when she looked away and tried to shut him out, he could still see right into her. „What is it you need to talk about?"

Here it came. The question of all questions that could only be answered it the most pathetic of ways. Like she had so often in the past, Olivia took her sweet time, pushing the words back and forth on her tongue to see how she felt about them before letting them roll of her lips.

„I met a man."

„Okay." She had seen that one coming. She knew how to play the game by now. Olivia knew she had to do her part first before he could do his. Get it over with, do all the talking while he took care of the listening. And so it went. She talked. About the _man_ being Noah's pre-school teacher who had asked her out, about every doubt she has had and that she had, against better judgement, still said yes. That the date had been wonderful, yet disastrous when she had found out about his age. She covered everything from the awkwardness in the mornings on school days to the late night meeting at Central Park that had somehow caused her to end up at Tom's apartment. A second, third and fourth date. A fourth date that had now led her here, or maybe it was a combination of all the dates, dinner, movies, walks. She had talked for nearly twenty minutes, no pauses, no fumbling for words until she had run out of words because it had all been said, scattered around them for Lindstrom to analyze.

Her shrink's face didn't give anything away, it was only when he spoke that Olivia could get an idea of what he was thinking. „He sounds like a solid man."

Like that one was hard to figure out.

„He is."

„Then what seems to be the problem?"

She felt a little betrayed but wasn't this him sticking to his rules? It wasn't her first time here, she should have known better.

„A number of things. There's the age difference."

„And that bothers you?"

Did it? For as much as she had been thinking about it, she wasn't quite sure.

„Well-," Olivia exhaled sharply, trying to put it in plain words. „Yes and no. It doesn't bother me that he is - was younger but I figured that it might bother him. Which he said it didn't but… I honestly don't know. What other people think is a bit of a factor."

„What do you think they would think?" God, she hated all this self-reflecting business that he made her do.

„I don't want to be seen as a cougar. I wonder what his family would think, if this is what they'd want for him."

„Would that matter to you? If his family would agree with his choice?"

Of course it would. She never had an actual family, not the kind that Tom had with close ties, a mother and a father, siblings. An intact network of people he loved and who loved him back. She would want to be part of that, and if they wouldn't accept her for her age or job or her son, or a combination of all those things it would hurt and probably be a deal breaker.

„It would make me feel out of place and… guilty? Like I'm not good enough for them, so I couldn't possibly be good enough for him."

„Olivia, you are aware that he is a grown man who can make and defend his life decisions, aren't you? I understand that being liked is important to you, especially by the people closest to him. But it shouldn't be a leading factor in who you date."

„It wasn't a leading factor," Olivia pointed out. In fact she hadn't even thought that far, at least not in detail. It had crossed her mind but she had chosen not to dwell on it.

„Okay. What else?"

She rubbed her hollow palm with the thumb of her left hand, eyes wandering to find an anchor.

„I've ended my last relationship to focus on Noah. Starting something now would kind of defeat the purpose," Olivia drawled. It registered with her that this wasn't the full truth, and so it did with Lindstrom.

„Does it feel like Noah can't be a priority when you're in a relationship?"

Check mate. He didn't even need to question her statement, he simply refuted it by posing a question of common sense because by now he knew her too well for her own good. When she let silence rule, he shifted in his chair.

„Olivia, we've talked about Noah a lot, and if I have learned one thing it is that he is always your priority. Having something that is just for you doesn't make you a bad mother, if anything it will make you better. We all need something to balance us. You have a demanding job and are raising your son on your own. Motherhood is a big part of you, but it shouldn't be the only part defining you. You need to take care of yourself, too. You are still you."

„I know that," she said softly.

„Do you?"

„Of course."

„You mentioned Tom was very attentive to your needs?" The question threw her off and the change of subject made her dizzy.

„He was, yes."

„Did you trust him?" It was a simple enough question but the answer was complex.

„In what terms?"

„Any. Did you trust him at all?" Trust. Trust was such a delicate thing. Did she trust Tom at all? Somehow she did but she didn't know him well enough to do so completely.

„Yes, I did." Olivia took a deep breath, turning towards Lindstrom, knowing that every bit of vulnerability was sprawled out for him to see.

„For once you should let someone else take care of _you_ , Olivia. There's no shame in that. And it's easier achieved if you trust that someone."

She merely smiled, remembering that they have been over this before. That she always needed to be in control, that her entire life she had taken care of people but she never let people take care of her. Because she was strong like that. Resilient.

When she didn't respond, Lindstrom cocked his head, slightly suspicious.

„What is the last thing you would like to admit in this hour, Olivia?"

She blinked rapidly. Lindstrom had never asked her that kind of question. He usually pushed her in a certain direction with his counter questions, but this went far beyond it. This was uncomfortable, it wasn't pushing, he was shoving her. Hard. But she also knew he wouldn't take her places she couldn't deal with. Answering would mean she had to expose herself, probably more than ever before. Licking her bottom lip, her expression turned stern.

„He would be the first man I'd have to _tell_ about Lewis." She swallowed, saliva audibly clicking in her throat. She waited for him to say something in return but Lindstrom remained perfect still and quiet, waiting for her to elaborate. Clearing her throat, she shifted in her seat. „Because of the scars." Fourteen in total, reaching from her breasts to her inner thighs. Eight cigarette burns, six stemming from her own keys that Lewis had heated on her stove. Third degree burns, scarred for life. He had made a damned good job of it, she had got to hand the bastard that.

„You feel like you would have to tell him?"

„Realistically, yes. I mean, it's either that, or he might think I've self-harmed at some point in my life, and that is even scarier than admitting that some sick fuck has used me as an ashtray," she said bitterly. Clenching her fists, Olivia's nails dug into her skin as she fought the urge to throw up from memory alone.

„Do you feel you have to warn a person before you get physically intimate?"

This was the point when she was physically aching for a stiff drink. She was flabbergasted and if she opened her mouth now, she'd probably stammer stutters, tongue twisted. She breathed and breathed and kept breathing, not sure if she wanted to take the conversation there.

„Olivia?"

She cleared her throat, her cheeks burning with a deep shade of red.

„How do you feel about your scars?" He tried a diversion tactic, not quite sure if she would fall for it.

„I've come to accept them. I had to."

„And when someone else sees them?"

„I-," She inhaled and exhaled slowly, focusing on each breath. Her heart was beating unusually fast compared to her last few therapy sessions. „I sometimes feel the need to cover them. Not always."

„You know you shouldn't give Lewis that kind of power anymore, right Olivia? The scars are part of you. You've survived."

„Please don't tell me again that I have to learn to love myself-," she groaned, staring at one of the pictures on Lindstrom's wall.

„It's a process, Olivia. I know you can't love the marks he has left on you just because I tell you so. But do you see the possibility that someone else can love you and your body wholly, with the scars as part of you?"

Olivia used up all her willpower not to scoff. Wasn't loving her and her scars somehow translating to loving the story behind them? How could anybody not be completely put off by them, by the images the truth would create in their head?

„I think there's a lot of potential for someone to pretend."

Lindquist gave a court nod, and for the first time she saw his always open expression falter and his eyes filling with wonderment.

„What is it, Doc? Did I just step on your toe?" Olivia challenged, feeling a little rebellious.

„No, but for a smart woman you just said a really dumb thing, and I think you know better, no offense. You know not to project your personal feelings on someone else. You are working with people who got hurt, physically and emotionally, on a daily basis and you don't _pretend_ to care about them. You don't let their injuries and pain define who they are, either. Why should it be any different just because it's _you,_ Olivia? Is your self-perception really that skewed?"

„It's not skewed, I just don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be seen as a victim, certainly not when I'm in bed with a man."

„You're projecting. Why would a man see you as a victim?"

„I don't know."

„Because you see yourself as one?

„I don't know," she said again, forcefully.

„Alright," Lindstrom said calmly, leaning back in his chair, deciding to let it rest for the time being. „If I may give you an opinion?"

„Sure," Olivia said, reluctantly. She was slightly pissed that he had pushed so hard but knew she would get over it. After all that's what she was paying him for.

„There's a vast advantage for you this time, Olivia. Other than with Brian for example, you now get to choose _if, when_ and _how much_ you want to tell. And you seem to think you have to fill future partners in on how you ended up with your scars but you don't. You can always say that you don't want to talk about it and a decent person is going to accept that until you are ready to disclose. Think about it, Olivia." He used her name awfully often today and she blamed her impending headache on this little fact. Whenever Lindstrom did that, she felt like a particularly tough case, like someone ultra-shrinkable.

„I figured you of all people would consider that selfish behavior."

„It's not. You get to do this on your terms, all I ever asked of you is to be honest with yourself. Know your motivation, take your steps at a comfortable pace. It can only be wrong if you're doing it for the wrong reasons."

„You mean if I'm keeping things to protect myself that's okay, but it's wrong if I'm trying to protect those around me?" They had been over this before, back in the day when she was still with Brian.

„Trust people that they can take it. Allow them to carry your burden with you. Let someone love you on _their_ terms. You can't always control everything."

Resting her head back, Olivia groaned softly. „Do you think I'm incapable of having a healthy relationship? Long term, I mean?"

„Absolutely not. I do however think you are standing in your own way. Otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here right now."

She smiled but it was fake and didn't reach her eyes. Lindstrom did have a point, she wasn't here without reason.

„Olivia, if you can allow yourself to let yourself go, just for a moment - free yourself of what you think you should or shouldn't, could or couldn't - how do you feel about Tom?"

She sat motionless, focusing on the question asked. Seconds ticked by, a minute, maybe two. And it hit her with full force, making her insides burn.

„Like he was… a possibility," she admitted in a whisper, seeing Lindstrom nod with a smile that told her she had just had some sort of breakthrough.

„How about you hold that thought until next week… Our time for today is up."

…


	16. Smells Like Regret

Taking Noah to school these days consisted of three things exactly. Finding an anchor, focusing on anything, _really anything_ but Tom, going over her schedule for the day in her head, and breathing calmly. Three simple rules to follow that would get her through the mornings just fine. It has been working for the past five or six weeks and it was not what Olivia planned to do for the rest of Noah's time in pre-school but she was not yet ready for the smiley face thing and meaningless niceties to be exchanged. With some luck she mumbled a quiet _Good morning_ or _Hello_ , and for the time being it had to be enough. She was going to get there eventually, maybe she was even close, but for the past three weeks she has been figuring shit out with Lindstrom in weekly therapy sessions and that was her lifeline. It was all she could take at this point.

The routine had been going pretty well until she saw Noah off, lovingly ruffling his hair and promising she was going to try and make it home for his bedtime tonight. Anchor, schedule, deep breath. Her fingers fidgeted with the zipper of her black leather tote bag because something was going wrong this morning. Really, really wrong. She could feel eyes on her. His eyes, and then there were footsteps echoing louder in her ears than what was actually possible as he walked in her direction.

Anchor, schedule…

She stopped breathing, bristling inwardly.

„Olivia, do you have a minute?"

There really was nothing she could do but drag her eyes up to look at him. His face was tight but his voice soft. It was completely beyond her how he could still do things to her pulse simply by existing. She soaked up his presence like a sponge does water. For a second she allowed herself to get lost in it, in the blue of his eyes, the timbre of his voice as Tom's shoulder leaned against the door frame, blocking the inside of the classroom from her view. Then his question fully registered with her brain and pathetically, Olivia glanced at her watch. She had no meeting to attend, and nobody would give a damn if she showed up a minute late, not that a minute's delay meant she was going to be late.

„Uh, yes. Is… did something happen?" She asked. She let go of the pretenses as worry started to eat away at her. Different scenarios started to unfold in her usually occupied head ranging from Noah having issues to being picked on, her intestines twisting in a thousand tiny, painful knots.

„No, everything's fine, Noah's great, I just wanted to remind you of the guitar course that's going to start tomorrow. Every Monday and Thursday for now so, Noah will have to be picked up an hour later and you'll have to make sure he brings his guitar and a tuner."

Shit. Guitar course. That had completely slipped her mind despite the formal email she had gotten two weeks ago. Olivia had wanted to take Noah to a store to pick a guitar a day later but as it had happened so often, work had gotten in the way and the guitar purchase had completely slipped from her mind after that. God, she was the worst mother. It was probably going to be impossible to have the instrument set up even if she would be able to somehow purchase one this afternoon.

Olivia was positive that all color had drained from her face. Her hand shook a little as she pushed back a strand of hair, her face blank as she tried to figure out how to solve this in Noah's favor until tomorrow. A quiet but ragged chuckle escaped her throat, filled with embarrassment over her own stupidity. She could be upfront about her mistake now or try to cover for herself until the next day, but realistically Olivia had the sinking feeling that no matter what, Noah wasn't going to be able to attend the first lesson.

Clearing her throat, Olivia decided to get it over with and own up to the mistake. She might as well do it now instead of coming up with some excuse tomorrow morning.

„Uh, okay… look, this is embarrassing but-," she sighed softly, stumbling. „This has completely slipped my mind. There was so much going on-," Olivia tried to explain. Normally things like this didn't happen to her. Olivia was always on top of all things school related but with everything that had been going on, work, therapy, pretending she was getting through each encounter with Tom unaffected - it obviously was taking its toll.

There was realization in Tom's eyes as he lightly crossed his arms, nodding in perfect understanding of what she was saying. He watched the struggle play out on her face, behind her eyes as she was fumbling for words and it was almost painful to see, making him feel like a voyeur to her obvious discomfort.

It was the first real conversation between them since she had last left his apartment five weeks ago. It felt like a tacit agreement between them was in place to only discuss things that truly needed discussing because most of these days neither of them uttered a single word. In fact they barely even made eye-contact. Her eyes were now soft and for the moment everything that had happened between them didn't seem to matter, and somehow Tom held onto the thought that this little push, words exchanged, would be a turnaround point in their relationship as educator and parent. Whatever else there used to be, it was over and in the past. He would never again get to revel in her laughter, the way her nose crinkled and the sound filled the air and his heart or…-.

He silently scolded himself. He should no longer nourish such thoughts, they only made it harder to move on and it was getting easier, after all. Not easy, but easier.

„Alright, that's not a big deal," he tried to reassure. Obviously it wasn't perfect because he had wanted to jump right in tomorrow, get the kids accustomed to their guitars and teach them about its components and how to tune the instrument - obviously with the help of an adult - and get started with the A and D chord on Monday. „I mean, it's obviously not ideal but he could start next Thursday, I suppose."

Olivia could already imagine Noah's disappointment if the other kids would bring their guitars in the morning only to realize that he couldn't be part of the lesson. The prospect alone did things to her, caused pain right to the bone. It were these moments, these mistakes, that made her feel like an unfit parent. Like she could be better, that there was always room for improvement because her son ultimately deserved better. There were so many things that having her as a mother were taking from him. A father, for example. Or simply a parent who was around much more, wasn't as involved with the job and victims and all things black and grey and muddled. It caused her constant regret but the fact was that she had to work, especially being the sole breadwinner and she wanted to be an example, show Noah that she was strong enough to make it on her own for him. But the heartache was massive and the sacrifices crystal clear.

„I'm sorry," she rubbed her forehead, fingertips dragging across her skin that felt hot with her discomfiture.

„Unless you do want to borrow mine, the offer still stands," Tom piped up, the words an even rumble. There was no ulterior motive there. He had offered it months ago and didn't want to take it back now, no matter the circumstances. Still it felt like he needed to justify it somehow. „At least it would help in terms of picking the right guitar in case the model isn't quite right for him."

For a moment there was some silence on her part, her confusion obvious, but then she remembered what this was about. Tom was simply a good guy, a committed teacher who wouldn't want a child to miss out on something they were excited about. Olivia studied his face and was momentarily overcome with an ache from deep inside, beneath all the layers of skin, muscles, fat tissue, veins and sinew. His generosity made her uncomfortable and her eyes flitted down the hallway that was buzzing with children and parents. Grabbing the handholds of her handbag tightly with her right hand, as if she needed something to hold on to, to keep her from swaying with dizziness. Instinctively, she wanted to thank him but tell him no. No way no how could she take Tom up on the offer, not after everything that had transpired between them. But there also was that little voice inside her head, telling her that she had fucked this up big time for Noah and that maybe this was the only way to do right by her son. Do damage control. Her pride shouldn't be the reason her boy had to suffer through the immense disappointment over not being able to start with his lessons and even worse - disappointment in her. She had a choice here, and she could either be self-centered to not get entangled in some weird dependency on Tom, even if it was over a goddamn guitar, or she'd swallow whatever pride she had left and make her son happy. Shit, motherhood had really softened her.

Olivia cleared her throat, waited for a beat.

„That would be… fantastic." She sounded like a little broken child, because depending on him in any way was not what she had imagined, not when things were so screwed up because of her. She had made headway with Lindstrom in the past few weeks and things were getting clearer for her, but somehow she was still not ready to let it all go back to how things should be between Tom and her.

Utterly unprepared for that response, Tom's eyes widened the slightest bit. Of course he had wanted her to accept (for Noah's sake, he insisted sternly), but truth was, he hadn't thought she would. Even when he had first suggested it, when things were strange but not quite as complicated, Olivia had declined without actually saying it out loud. He didn't miss the defeat on her face, and he had an idea how hard this must be for her, to reach out when she could have easily refused. It shook him and he was overcome by the not unfamiliar urge to wrap his arms around her, although this time it had little to do with a carnal need but wanting to give some sort of comfort. However, he couldn't do this here, and even if he could he wouldn't because he had lost every cause to do so.

„Okay, so that's settled. And… take your time. Getting him one, I mean. I won't miss it too much, I should be fine for a few months." He noticed a fleeting moment of shame spreading all over her, and he wanted to say something that would take it away, wipe it right off her face. Things like it was only human to forget something, that she was a busy woman, that he understood if school stuff was not something she wanted to grapple with at the moment because everything had shifted between them, and he had felt that, too. In fact, it took him a fair amount of negotiation to approach her today, something he had wanted to do for a few days now. Only that today it had become inevitable. He has had no choice but to take his responsibility as a teacher seriously, and a partnership between educator and parent was part of that.

„Thank you," Olivia said, clutching her hand to her chest, her insecurities scattering around them. Emotions she didn't want to feel came crawling to the surface, clinging to her like the film of perspiration that started to coat her skin as she broke out into a bit of a sweat and for the very first time it was regret that threatened to bring her to her knees. Regret. Something she hadn't allowed herself to feel yet, although it had been pulling and tearing at her for weeks. But somehow she had always managed to reason that something, if only a the tiniest particle about her decision to set him free was right and sound. Now her heart constricted and it was so, so hard to breathe in and breathe out. For a second, or maybe two, even three, she is back on her kitchen floor and her insides are bourbon and acid. His eyes that are holding her gaze drive the knife into her and twist the blade little by little, only it's not his eyes, not him. It's her.

 _„It's not going to work out."_

And it made absolute sense. That it was all her, because it's always been all her. Running when it doesn't develop like she had wanted, pushing men away when it felt too complicated or like it was all going too fast, and with Tom it had been all of the above. Too much yet too little, but enough to do what she had always done. She had kept herself safely guarded once more, only… this time she hadn't.

„Really, thank you," she murmured, and because she was not physically able to bear looking at him any longer, she turned on her heel and walked away with quick strides, her steps echoing in the hallway. She really needed to schedule a last minutes appointment with Lindstrom, and for the first time it didn't bother her that for some reason he cared about her enough to schedule her in whenever she called out of the blue.

…

Not oblivious to the fact she was wasting time - hers and Lindstroms - Olivia tapped her foot. The wall clock told her she had been sitting on his couch without saying a single word for the past seven minutes, reluctant to answer his question. It wasn't like the both of them knew what she was going to say anyway, what she was going to admit.

„Olivia-," Lindstrom eventually prodded and her eyes found his, but she merely shrugged. Although she knew, saying it out loud would only make it hurt more. Admitting it to herself was one thing, to someone else…well.

She had spoken too many intimate truths in the past weeks as it was, and only when Lindstrom had encouraged her by promising whatever she shared would be forgotten until their next appointment, that he didn't take her demons home with him, had she let herself divulge.

„What are you thinking?" He gave her a break, leaving whatever she wanted to share up to her for now.

Olivia's lips parted, her mouth opening and closing like that of a gold fish. Nervously she straightened her body, then relaxed it again, trying to push through the clutter that had taken over her head. The corners of Lindstrom's mouth were tilted up, that faint tinge of what could be a smile in place and right in that moment she hated him a little. She couldn't, not by a stretch of imagination, verbalize that she thought she has made a mistake. Not that it _might_ have been a mistake, no ifs and no maybe. A mistake, clean cut and simple as that.

„I'm…," she cleared her throat loudly and for longer than what was actually necessary, all to buy time, if only milliseconds. Her voice sounded hoarse and foreign and beneath her skin was that itch she couldn't scratch. „I'm considering to talk to him. To… apologize maybe. Explain, or at least try to explain. But I also think that I should probably leave him be, because he's probably moved on, which…which is good. I mean, it would be an act of selfishness to open that… everything. And there's a pretty good chance he doesn't want to hear it anyway, so…"

„You might want to leave it up to him. Give him the chance to decide if he wants to hear whatever you have got to say. It isn't selfish, either. You considering it, means that it's what you need to find closure."

Closure. What good was it going to do? Did she even deserve it? Did Tom deserve to hear an explanation that would sound like every other excuse to him?

She spaced off into numbness after a heavy and audible sigh, slumping against the couch cushion to close her eyes and give herself a break. This jigsaw was something she couldn't put back together, not fully, so maybe it wasn't worth the effort.

„Isn't it ironic?" She scoffed, eyes remaining tightly shut.

„What is?"

„That nothing ever felt quite right with my relationships and the one time it did, although it wasn't a relationship per se, I've still managed to fuck it all up?"

„There's a sense in everything, Olivia." His calm voice barely resonated with her this time.

„Yeah, yeah. I know. Personal growth and all that," she mumbled, cracking her eyes open. „I should probably be wearing some neon sign with warning colors. _‚Don't touch - imminent danger!'_ " She chuckled, although there was nothing remotely funny about it. She felt bankrupt of energy and her lunch break was going to be over soon. Olivia had a feeling it was going to be a long afternoon when all she wanted to do was go home and shut the world out.

„You're being too hard on yourself, Olivia. You've come a long way since we've been talking about this."

„Have I? I'm not sure what good it's gonna do. I mean, I get that this might help me with future dates or even relationships but-," Oh hell, here she was, whining about her miserable, sad, sad life. She wasn't thinking about her dating future, she didn't give a damn about it as of late. Of course she could look at the bigger picture here, see this as a lesson learnt but Christ - none of it made her feel any better. She had still brushed Tom off, had still taken the easy way out, had still hurt him, had still… caused herself regret. Had made a mistake. That insight came with an ache and a burn and everything uncomfortable. She scoffed again and it was a breathy noise that filled the room.

„It's not helping you with _this?_ " Nail on head. He was a smart shrink, that one, Olivia decided, sarcasm lacing the thought. Lindstrom watched her and there was something strange in his eyes like fascination or mystification that made Olivia wonder if she was the biggest fuck-up he's ever treated, an emotional basket case beyond comparison. She lifted a hand to the center of her cleavage, mindlessly starting to play with the trinket of her necklace, the one Lindstrom of all people had given her as her own had been retained as evidence by the NYPD. Once she had gotten it back she had seen no reason to hold onto it, it only came with bad memories, a history that had been tainted by William Lewis. It had been broken anyway since she had torn it off, unable to reach the tiny clasps with her hands tied in the trunk of a car.

It dawned on her that Lindstrom expected an answer and she shifted on his couch and shifted some more. Unconsciously she wiped the pad of her finger across the small trinket. „Nothing's going to."

„Have you ever considered that you're giving up too easily?"

„I think we both have figured out that that's why I'm here, eh?" It was probably the most immediate response he had gotten from her today.

„That's not how I meant it."

Oh, oh, here it came, and she looked at him a little wide-eyed, seriously wondering if he was shitting her. „You saying I should go and beg for his… ever lasting love and never ending patience?" She laughed now, actually laughed and although inappropriate, she just couldn't stop. Apologizing, (selfishly, she added a mental note), even explaining, that she could _maybe_ do. But hell would freeze over before she would go and beg Tom for forgiveness or worse - another chance.

„I'd never ask you to beg, Olivia. But you could try and fight for what you want - if he's what you want." The last part sounded like an afterthought to her.

She was indescribably tired pretending that this was any use to her anymore. Sure, the hours with Lindstrom had helped to put everything into perspective, that had been what she had come for after all. But she has had her breakthrough, her moment of realization, and she should probably keep it at that. Self-reflection would be a hell of a lot cheaper at home, too.

„You know, I think… I think I'm done here," she said softly. „It really has helped but, I think I'll have to deal with the rest of it on my own."

Surprisingly Lindstrom simply opened his arms a little more, nodding. Maybe he had seen it coming or maybe, and it was a big maybe, he actually thought that she had all the means to handle whatever was left on her own.

„A last piece of advice?" He asked, his voice as calm as ever.

„Hit me."

„Be true to yourself." And then there was a smile as he got up from his seat, moving away from the centre of the room, leaving her to consider for a moment what exactly being true to herself would mean. It felt like minutes until she finally moved when in fact it were only seconds until she was out his door and in the waiting area of Lindstrom's office.

„Thanks Doc. I'm sure I'll… see you around." Yeah, it had dawned on her some time ago, that this relationship would be long term. Patient and shrink, confused individual and God of psychological analysis.

„Always, Olivia."

Always. How true that might just be, she thought.

….


	17. Beautiful Thing

**It's been a while, I'm sorry. Life has gotten in the way. You know...husband, kid, all the joyous stuff 3**

 **Feedback is always appreciated.**

The sand colored gig bag with the big white Taylor logo that has had its place in Olivia's living room for the past five days has become her latest object of hate. Holding the guitar Noah used for the time being, the canvas case neither fit the room, nor did she want to see it. It reminded her of Tom whenever she got a break and actually did not think of him, in fact Olivia swore that thing even smelled of him and his apartment. By now, when she entered her place as she had done just a minute ago, the thing actually drew Olivia's immediate attention toward it, no escaping. She should really banish it into her bedroom closet. That cute, tiny guitar. Really tiny. It hadn't been as bothersome when Noah had shown her what he had learned in his first lesson, remembering half its individual parts and what they were named, and honestly, except for strings and body she had no idea and Noah was already a hell of a lot smarter than her. But that gig bag. Man, did it piss her off.

Lucy was in the kitchen, making dinner as Olivia put on a smile, walking over. „That looks amazing, Lucy. Thank you so much, you are a life saver." As always the other brunette told her it was her pleasure, no big deal, all good.

It has been one hell of a day. One hell of a few days, actually. The thought that she should maybe talk to Tom was still on her mind, had been since she had left Lindstrom's office on Wednesday. It was like an infinite loop that she couldn't escape, yet she still avoided taking action.

„Your meeting is tomorrow, right?" Lucy asked. „I'll have him till eight?"

„Yeah," Olivia agreed, gnawing on her bottom lip. „Actually, it might get even later, but I don't know for sure yet, do you think that is going to be a problem?" It was bullshit. She wanted a last-minute window to decide if she should try and talk to Tom. Probably she wouldn't. She was damned good at avoidance. If anybody could see the elephant in the room, it sure wasn't her.

„That's totally okay, Liv. I don't have that much to do anyway and I might as well study here," Lucy shrugged. „You got a date?"

„Uh… no, actually. Nothing even close to that." She leaned against the counter, then decided to pour a glass of wine. „Want one, too? You're officially off duty," Olivia smiled.

„Thanks, but not tonight," Lucy smiled, drying off her hands on one of the towels.

„So, did you two have a good day?"

„Yeah, it's been good. Oh, and Noah's teacher mentioned you or we, depending on who's here, should try to make sure he exercises on the guitar for about ten minutes each day and that Noah's very thrilled and the only kid that doesn't complain. Must make you proud, Mr. Tetley sure was."

„Yeah, Noah's crazy excited with the whole guitar thing. I kind of hope he keeps at it." Olivia stole a tomato off the plate. „Are you going to eat with us today?"

„I've got some things to take care off at home, but thank you. Maybe next time." She took the vegetables off the stove, turning the heat off. „Well, I've got to get going. Enjoy dinner and I'll see you tomorrow," Lucy said, going to grab her phone, handbag and jacket.

„Lucy, one more thing… Tom… I mean Mr. Tetley… Noah's teacher. Did he say anything else?" Olivia tried to sound nonchalant, but obviously her stuttering or using the teacher's first name, or maybe both, had Lucy interested.

„Nope, just that he did great today and was the only kid that didn't complain over sore fingers. But why don't you just ask him tomorrow morning, huh?"

„Yeah. Yeah, of course. I will. I was just wondering. Because Noah's all excited about it, you know?" Crap. She used to be better at this, but that seemed to have been a lifetime ago.

„Sure," Lucy said, not really buying it but she wasn't going to ask any further. At least not tonight. „Tomorrow," she smiled.

„Have good night. And thank you for dinner," Olivia called out as she was almost out the door.

„Always, Liv. Bye."

…

„…so that we have reached a closing rate of 94% in July. I firmly believe that those statistics are a fortunate outcome of good investigation, proper teamwork and a functioning chain of action. However-," Olivia took a pause, looking at Chief Dodds, tapping her ballpoint on the conference table. „- I do feel SVU needs another detective, preferably someone experienced. Detective Carisi has more overtime than he could use up. We've been one Detective down all year and with Sergeant Tutuola taking over a new area of operations, we do need someone to support the unit. I know it's not easy to find someone suitable, but only because we are able to work professionally with too little staff, doesn't meant it's working for us at a team when it comes to efficiency and the satisfaction of everybody, especially TPTB," she finished with a smile she didn't mean.

Dodds turned a few pages in front of him, scanning each of them quickly as he nodded. „We're trying, but I don't have to tell you that working with live victims is a touchy area for most detectives. And I'm going to be honest with you, Olivia: your numbers are good. Too good. There are other units that, I would have to admit, don't necessarily need more staff but are lacking in efficiency much more than SVU does."

„So, what you are telling me is that I've been begging for one single detective in vain because our work is too good for a request to be granted? We'd have to do worse to be considered understaffed?"

„Basically - yes. My hands are tied here, Lieutenant. Nobody will sign off on it unless your numbers go way down when it comes to cases closed successfully but if those numbers go down, it'll also cast shadow on you as head of the unit. Give Carisi a week off-,"

„And I'm one man down, you know we're struggling working all cases as it is," She interrupted in disbelief.

„Is it impossible for your squad to cover for a week?" Dodds asked point blank.

Olivia sighed, taking off her glasses. It wasn't a question of what was possible, history had proven they've worked under unfavorable circumstances with good results - didn't mean it was easy. Paperwork would likely accumulate on everybody's desks, Olivia would have to take a lot of her workload home. „Sure, Chief," she nodded. „We'll cover for Carisi. But I think it's…"

„It's unfair, I know. But I can't change it. I'll keep my eyes and ears open, though. That's all I can promise," he said, gathering his paperwork. „If I'd have to find something… stay at the office more. And I know that's pretty much impossible, but I'll have to bitch about _something_ ," the Chief said with a wink, making a final note. „I think that would be it for today."

„Thanks, Chief." Olivia nodded and glanced at her phone. It was almost eight and Olivia rubbed her temples. She had been considering to go and talk to Tom all day and still hadn't come to a decision. Did she really want to add more shit to her day? Going home would be much easier. She would pour a glass of wine, get comfortable on her couch and turn on some TV show that she wouldn't even watch. She should avoid having to see him when there was the likelihood that he would not want to see her and spare herself the embarrassment. But by talking to him she could also ease her conscience a little bit, something that would sure help her insecurities whenever she was forced to see him in the mornings and for school functions. It couldn't hurt to get things out of the way, if that was at all possible.

„Are you okay?" The question had Olivia momentarily confused as, she too, gathered her things. Although Dodds and her had come to a better understanding lately and he was no longer avoiding her and SVU, they didn't really talk privately.

„I'm fine. Long day," she said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Exchanging meaningless niceties. He sure as hell wasn't expecting her to be honest.

„Your son? Noah, was it?" This made her look up. It's been a long time since anybody had inquired about her child. Most of the time it felt like nobody even took notice that she had a kid.

„He's good, thanks Chief."

Dodds nodded, deciding to let it go. Benson had seemed distracted, maybe even worried, all through the meeting but it was impossible to tell if it was work related or of a private nature. On the plus side, she had no complaints regarding politics or chain of command this time. Benson could be a real pain in the ass, because she fought for what she believed was right, she wasn't someone to easily back down, even if he told her so. He loved and hated this about her. Hated it, because against belief, he didn't like to shut investigations down. Loved it, because the NYPD needed people like Olivia Benson, who weren't fearful of speaking their mind and standing their ground. „Well, have a good night, Lieutenant," the Chief said around a friendly smile.

„You too, Chief," Olivia responded.

Olivia watched him leave, throwing one last glance at her over his shoulder, and when the door closed she breathed a sigh of relief, sinking back into her chair. She closed her eyes and let herself feel some anger over the order to give Carisi a week off, knowing it was going to mean overtime for everyone else, her included, and it wasn't going to resolve _anything_. They were going to run in circles as much as they did before, but probably that was the point. Overtime couldn't be avoided, so they all would just juggle with hours, get paid for most of them and use up what was left if they could or were told to. At least, after a year, Dodds was finally straight with her about a new detective. It wasn't going to happen. Or at least it was very unlikely. Welcome to the NYPD.

After what felt like minutes but had been merely seconds, Olivia tossed her notepad onto the three folders in front of her and staggered to her feet. She slipped her phone into the back pocket of her black pants, picked up the paperwork and headed to her office where she dropped the load on her desk in an almost violent manner.

She considered giving Lucy a call to tell her she would be home in thirty minutes. She didn't. Instead, still not entirely persuaded she'd go to Tom's place, she put on her jacket, stuffed her phone into her handbag and turned off the lights in her office. Three goodnights and an elevator ride later, Olivia found herself in front of the precinct. The evening was cooler than Olivia had anticipated and instinctively she wrapped her arms around herself for warmth. It smelled like rain, and she hadn't checked the weather forecast for the day. Although she hadn't taken an umbrella, she denied herself the luxury of a cab. She felt like walking and breathing the fresh, crisp evening air that seemed unusual for mid-August, if only to occupy herself somehow.

She started walking, one of many strangers in the stream of people, just another person that blended in perfectly with the city. Despite the brownstones and skyscrapers the wind carved through the streets. Olivia shivered with cold and nerves. She wasn't walking home but felt a change of direction was a possibility. Her chest tightened and Olivia realized it was not facing Tom that was scary, it was facing her own truths and admitting them to someone else. To someone she actually cared about. The realization was both sobering and startling. In a way she was tired of all the lies and pretenses. They were suffocating her and sometimes she was waiting for all the walls to collapse and bury her underneath the weight of thousands of bricks.

There was a silence enveloping her despite all the people around her, despite the evening traffic. It was getting harder to ignore all the thoughts in her head of things done and regrets. Things that couldn't be changed by conversation and honesty. In her head an explanation or apology or whatever it was going to turn out to be sounded ridiculously simple. In practice however… she knew she was going to struggle and stumble, maybe fall.

When Olivia reached his building the urge to take ten steps back was massive. For a moment her world spun, as did her stomach. She stared at the brick building, at the huge, solid front door that seems almost pretentious. It didn't fit the rest of the architecture, nor did it fit Thomas Tetley. Pretentious was the last thing that came to mind with him. The pressure in Olivia's chest built quickly as memories flooded her. She had walked those steps a few times, always with different intentions. Her head was a jumble all of a sudden. Pizza, movies, Sour Patch Kids. Cooking, Pasta, a hand gently placed on her hip that stole her breath and made the flesh beneath his palm tingle. Magic hands he did have. Or maybe she was just…

Falling.

Way too slowly Olivia took a few more steps but stopped in front of the stoop. Four stairs. She knew and counted them anyway just to have something to hold on to. Like a fucking security blanket. Something to regulate all those emotions striking her. She yearned for a bottle of something strong but reasoned that now that she was already here, she might as well ring his doorbell, so after another thirty seconds she climbed the stoop to his building, worried her bottom lip for another thirty before her hovering index-finger finally poked against the white button of the intercom. She heard it ring loud and clear and although the sound had become familiar, she almost startled and backtracked. She waited and listened but there was no crackle and no voice. Taking a deep breath, she walked back onto the street, disappointed and relieved at the same time. Because she was that twisted and confused. The lights were out, his windows dark and still. Maybe it was some sort of sign. Too bad Olivia didn't believe in signs.

She should go home, she told herself. It was a Tuesday night, and wherever he was, chances were he was on a date. With a woman. With someone he might even take home and God, that was the very last thing Olivia wanted to be confronted with. More importantly she was going to be the very last thing Tom would want to be confronted with when he took someone home. The thought was sickening her with burning and bubbling jealousy. Jealousy. Hadn't she last felt that a lifetime ago?

But maybe he was out for an errand, she reasoned. Or a beer. Or a team meeting, although those took place on Fridays - she had learned that. She _knew_ that. But every maybe was a better alternative than the mental image of him strolling back home hand in hand with some faceless woman. Some faceless woman he might kiss or touch. Treat her with food and a movie. That he might _love_.

Olivia released a breath she hadn't been aware of holding and sat down on the first step of the stoop. The sky turned a dark shade of grey, announcing it was likely going to rain. Her butt was freezing from the cold stone step beneath her. She was going to wait for ten minutes she decided, hanging her head. That was longer than she would wait for anyone else given the circumstances.

Again she thought of each time she has come to this place, to his home that was always tidy. She thought of… how he had made her feel. Content. Warm. _Happy._

Happiness. For years, decades actually, Olivia had been swimming in the sea of someone else's idea of happiness. Not that she had been lacking her own wishes for it - ideals, so to speak. But whoever she had been with, had plans and goal that were incompatible to hers. Sometimes it had seemed to be the wrong person at the wrong time in her life. And this one time when it had felt like she could have had it all, she had done what she had always done best. She had run. She has had a choice.

Happiness, she now realized, was a choice. Not necessarily easy, maybe difficult, but undoubtedly an actual choice. It came with risks and Olivia had gotten caught up between all the what-ifs. She had turned away and made a choice that couldn't have been farther from what she _truly_ wanted. Happiness. Or at least a real shot at it.

She had been a freaking coward.

A single raindrop fell onto the back of her hand and instantly Olivia glanced up towards the sky, lashes fluttering as the downpour started as if heaven was ripped apart and gave way to masses of water. There was a rumble to be heard from miles away, making Olivia scan the neighborhood for some sort of shelter. There was the corner store at the end of the block, a small coffee shop right across the street. Maybe the ten minutes were even up, she mused as she pushed herself up. Her hair was soaked within seconds and for heaven's sake - having no umbrella and no cab in sight was just her fucking luck, wasn't it?

She wanted to dart towards the coffee place because it was closest, quickly blinking to keep the drumming rain from invading her sensitive eyes. She heard him before she saw him. Just him. No other woman. Him, just as soaked as she was.

„Olivia?" His voice was just like the thunder, not even drowned out by the pouring rain, making her flesh crawl beneath her leather jacket. Her eyes darted to find his and she almost, just almost, recoiled. He stood in front of her sans jacket, just in jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt. While he seemed to be surprised, her presence didn't seem to affect him at all. He stood in front of her like a rock, all calm, except for his fast breath that she figured was from rushing or running home. „I didn't expect you here," he managed after a pause of staring at her.

In theory, she realized, this was so much easier. Now Olivia's tongue felt twice its size and she couldn't think, couldn't quite figure out what the right words were. In theory there was no awkward hesitation, no lump in her throat, no wrong thing she could possibly say. But this was reality. This was him standing right here in front of her, looking… good and she was all her and all wet clothes and hair and for a moment she no longer knew _why_ she had even come here. She was a gifted speaker when it came to facts, statistics and victims but what the heck did she know about apologies or… love. She didn't know anything. Nothing except that her heart was beating so fast that it made her feel dizzy, that she stood like hypnotized by his eyes or presence or maybe not even his presence but his _proximity_.

When she didn't speak Tom took a step back, and proximity was no longer the issue. Olivia swallowed, gathered the jumble of thoughts. She remembered her last conversation with Lindstrom when she had talked about selfishness. That had been her starting point. Not wanting to be selfish. All day most of her speech had practically been perfect, no holes, no long pauses, no blackouts. Now she could only go by whatever came to mind.

„I-," she started, testing her voice. The drumming of the rain onto the pavement almost swallowed the word, so she cleared her throat and spoke louder. „I wanted to say something. I don't know if you want to hear it and if you don't I understand but… I'd like to say something." It was far from perfect and she wished she was dry and they were someplace quiet but at this point what did it matter? They were already soaked.

She watched his facial expression change, like his muscles were set in stone. His eyes fixated her and she sank and drowned.

„Okay." There was a huge part of him that didn't want to hear it, that wished he wouldn't even care to hear it. But the truth was, that he didn't have it in him to send her away or shut her down. Not when she had made her way to his place and was now soaked to the bone. The proper thing to do would be to invite her in, however, one thing he knew for sure. That he didn't want her in his apartment, around his things. He didn't want her to invade his life like that again because although she would leave physically, her presence would linger for weeks and suck him back into her vortex. He couldn't let her do that. He couldn't do it to himself again.

Time has somehow changed, or so it felt. Olivia thought it must have been at least an hour until this single word had fallen from his lips, but she _knew_ it were only seconds. The rain picked up and so did the wind, and she wondered if by the end of this they'd be facing a full blown storm. She heard no noise other than the rain that hit them and everything around them forcefully. She couldn't get any wetter. When she took her time, because it really didn't matter anymore, Tom didn't push her, and bless him for that. He didn't seem eager to listen, but how could she blame him? Trying to hold her emotions together, she tried the words out, slowly starting to speak.

„I wanted to apologize." She wasn't sure if he could actually hear her but she wasn't going to scream against the rain, and funnily the words now kept pouring just like the water from above. It turned out, it wasn't all that hard. „I would have said something sooner, I wanted to, but I needed time to figure things out. Why I told you it wasn't going to work out. I don't know what you think, to be honest, for the longest time I didn't even know what I thought myself but it wasn't you. It wasn't even for a lack of interest but-„ she took a short pause, drawing in a breath. „-fear. I'm not very good at relationships. Or maybe that's not right, I just don't have the best track record to be honest, even if there was a lot of convenience to them. And with you _nothing_ was convenient, I don't think things have ever been so inconvenient with you being Noah's teacher and the timing and…-„ she wanted to add the age but bit her tongue. „So this whole thing scared the shit outta me. I don't let people in easily and I'm probably also a person who wants to be in control and when I started feeling something for you that was so far out of my control - I couldn't deal and I had myself convinced it would end badly one way or another because in the past it always did. I can't take it back, I know that. But I wish I could because telling you it's not going to work for me is probably my biggest regret. I was an idiot and for that I am sorry. And this is selfish, I know, but I needed you to know, although it may seem that I only want to alleviate my own conscience. And maybe I do, I can't say I don't but… bottom line is I am truly sorry, Tom." When she finished, she watched him but he didn't give anything away, not even his eyes. Normally he wore his heart on his sleeve, it had always been easy to detect what emotions he was going through. But this time he had put up his walls so high, Olivia couldn't see over them. He was clearly guarded and this was something she understood - self-protection. She had played that game for her whole life after all. And so she stood motionless, a perfect reflection of him except she was a woman and he was a man.

Her face was all dark eyes and parted lips. And raindrops. Tiny drops of water were dripping off her hair that was framing her face in thick clumps, off her chin, nose and eyelashes. Although Tom reminded himself that he couldn't let himself be moved by her or the sight of her, he couldn't miss that soaked Olivia, just as she was standing in front of him, was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. That was a reality as much as the fact that he didn't know what to do with her. What was he supposed to do with any of this? Just nod it off, show her he had taken notice? Pat her on the back and tell her it was a job well done? Fuck, the woman unnerved him simply by showing up here and looking so damned fine, with her hair wetter than wet and her mouth - God her mouth…

„I'm not sure what you want me to say here," he admitted. His hand curled into a fist because even if it sure hadn't been her intention, she had made him angry. „What does it change? What would you do if you _could_ go back?" He had to remind himself to breathe in and breathe out. Mixed in with the anger there was much more lingering beneath the surface, because for him something always had. Keeping his lungs occupied was a struggle. He managed to hold her eye, not allowing her an out this time. No backing down, no breaks and space granted. His skin was chilled from wind and rain but from the inside he was all heat and desire, damned well knowing he shouldn't feel either around her. But what was he to do? He had always been lacking control over his bodily and emotional reactions around Olivia. From the very beginning he had always wanted to kiss her, love her, fill her - in every goddamn sense of the world, no petty pretenses there. He had wanted her thoroughly and by God, he still did against better judgement. Her silence enveloped him like it had so often in the past. Nothing new there. She blinked at him rapidly against the heavy rain and realization hit him. He couldn't do this anymore. Running in circles with her was utterly pointless.

„I'd go for it seriously." He had barely heard her but it had been there and his eyes narrowed with distrust or disbelief, or whatever it was that made him doubt it. But she was here, she had come and she had actually talked when she had said she wanted to say something to him and all of it happened in the lashing rain.

„If you say that just to make me feel better-„ She instantly shook her head with vehemence.

„I don't. I know it has taken me too long, and I was an idiot, I was _stupid._ I know it doesn't change anything but I wanted you to know because… you deserved to know, because you are a really good guy Tom, and I wish I could've -„

„Olivia, shut up," he interrupted. He couldn't. He couldn't listen to this, to her beating herself up over this because although he was tempted to agree that she had been an idiot, he couldn't, because she was so much, she was probably _everything_ but certainly not stupid or an idiot. Once his words were out, her gaze faltered and Jesus, he was sorry because she was getting it all wrong while his self-control was waning by the second.

„I understand." Her voice was almost drowned out by the rain and finally her gaze faltered for real and she took a small step back, creating more distance. He watched and for a moment there was total silence in his head and he - come hell or high water - simply had to know. He got as far as objecting before everything exploded in loud noise. Honking and rain lashing, people rushing by and sirens blaring.

„No, I _need_ you to _shut up._ " He looked right into her eyes and it stole his breath and then he was no longer thinking but closed the physical distance with two and a half steps. His entire body was on full alert, responding instantly as the knuckles of his right hand ghosted over the slope of her cheekbone until his fingertips slipped into wet messy hair within the fraction of a second. Maybe he heard her whimper and maybe he couldn't even place it, but he was beyond caring as he attached his mouth to hers without wasting even one more thought on it. He let out one single, deep groan as the tension built within him and he realized just faintly that Olivia wasn't pulling back but hurled herself further into him and reciprocated willingly. One of her hands slid up to his biceps as his lips worked against hers delicately at first, then frantically and Christ, he couldn't get enough of her. She tasted of rain and faint traces of coffee, the discovery making his groin tingle and tighten almost painfully. Tom perceived no other sound than the noises of their mingled breathing. He had dreamt of this more nights than he could count, he had imagined it just as often but nothing could have prepared him for this, and by God, he did not want it to end. He gently swiped his thumb across her cheek, wiping off droplets of rain that had settled on her face. Tom's tongue traced Olivia's bottom lip, just for a second, just to test the water, and fuck, his denim felt too tight around his middle. He had wanted to run the tip of his tongue along that delicate arch for too long, had been fantasizing about it too many times in the darkness of his bedroom, or his small shower stall for that matter. Maybe it made him a pig, he certainly would never tell her. He worked his mouth over hers again, not daring to slip his tongue inside hers, not this time, not here. But if this wasn't enough to blow his brain with a short circuit then he didn't know what was. Only when he was lacking oxygen he took broke away, touching his forehead to hers, panting. And everything around him exploded into noise and sensation. Cold and wetness, her breath that hit the corner of his mouth.

„I'm not going to apologize for this," he told her as he exhaled unsteadily.

Olivia's head was spinning. Every bit of skin around the area of her lips was reddened and raw from the friction his trimmed beard had caused on her sensitive flesh - not that she was going to complain. Olivia was positive that she hadn't been kissed like this for twenty years, twenty-five years, maybe not ever, at least she couldn't remember. It was all lips and want, not dry, not wet - except for the rain that was. It was fingers and thumb and even now she felt his hand gently fisting her hair, letting a strand run through his fingers until he played with the hair-ends, fingering them as she breathed him in. His touch was feather soft, yet something felt like he wanted to possess her, if only for a moment, and the funny thing was that for once she didn't mind at all.

„Okay." It was just a whisper falling from her lips that he wanted to hang on, rely on. _So close_ , he thought. He would barely have to tilt his head to kiss her again, claim that mouth once more. The response made him feel alive, almost invincible, if he was being honest. It caused his heart to pound and his breathing to turn shallow and for the very first time he truly _loved_ the rain. Every emotion, right in that moment - it felt tangible. Olivia Benson felt tangible.

He dared to tip his head back and look at her, and it's the most intense adrenaline rush he had ever felt, that bungee jump in Europe aside. She looked back at him in all her glory and when he saw her lips curl upwards with that tiny, beautiful hint of a smile he _couldn't_ comprehend how that little, that much, could warm him from the inside out when he was physically freezing.

He needed a moment to process. Where did they stand now? What did it all mean? He could easily push it all aside for the moment and kiss her again but some sort of conversation was probably in order. Plus they were both soaked and cold and his place offered both warmth and dry clothes. He glanced up, the rain no longer slapping him in the face as harshly but the sky was just as thick and dark as before.

„Come up-," he said, realizing that maybe it sounded like he had disreputable intentions. „You're soaked. I mean… I've got a change of clothes and a drier in the lavatory. You must be cold."

Actually, she wasn't cold at all but she couldn't argue about being wet to the skin. She bit her bottom lip (he thought it was fucking adorable) and nodded in agreement. „Thank you." Unconsciously she touched her fingertips to her lips that were swollen and tingling from the sweet assault of his mouth.

Tom offered a smile and his fingers finally untangled from her hair fully, just so he could tentatively reach for Olivia's hand, gently tugging at it to make her follow him up the stoop and inside.

…


	18. Prelude

**Author's note: Thank you so much for the lovely reviews, it makes writing much more fun, actually. 3 I love to hear what you guys think, so always feel free not only to review, you can also pm me, I love to hear your insights or ideas where you could see this going because oh the possibilities, all the angles I could play. I'm totally in love with Tom, by the way. Mainly because he's based on a real person who is just... *swoons* an incredible man, intelligent, kind, handsome.**

 **...**

She was dripping all over his floor, soaked from head to toe. Her pants stuck to her legs and excess water pooled around her boots as she carefully shrugged out of her leather jacket. Even the sleeves of her blouse were damp, the water slowly making its way up along her arms, making her feel like a sponge. Tom had vanished in his bedroom and reappeared with grey sweatpants and a cream-colored hoodie as Olivia took off her shoes and damp socks.

„I hope this will do. There are towels in the high cabinet. You can take a shower if you want. Erm… hairdryer should be in either the top or bottom drawer of the wash-stand." He took in her appearance and almost felt sorry that he hadn't invited her up upon his arrival, but then he didn't want to change anything about what had transpired between them outside. She gladly accepted the fresh clothes Tom hoped would fit her somewhat.

„Thank you." She stood, with her jacket still in her left hand. Tom took it from her to hang it up to dry somewhere.

Olivia scurried to the bathroom, closing the door behind her, grateful for a moment of privacy. She put the set of fresh clothes onto the toilet lid and looked in the mirror, grimacing at the reflection. Her hair was wet and wavy, most of her make-up had come off and she quietly thanked heaven for waterproof mascara because panda eyes would make her appearance so much worse. She gently put down her handbag, and retrieved a small box of wet wipes that she always carried with her for Noah because four-year olds and ice-cream usually didn't mix well. She quickly cleansed her face, taking off the residuals of foundation and powder as best as she could. Finding a small towel, Olivia drained her hair of excess water before she slowly started to undress. Getting out of her pants proved to be quite a challenge, the black denim sticking to her chilled skin in all the wrong places. Once out of both pant legs, she carefully tossed the soaked material in the bathtub. A small groan of disapproval echoed in the room as she found her underwear to be damp, bordering on wet. At least her bra hadn't been affected by the downpour. She quickly took off the black panties, wringing them out over the sink. Rummaging through her tote bag the little hope she had faltered. Tampons, loose change, her favorite lipsticks by Dior and M.A.C. (Brave, always a winner, she thought fleetingly), panty liners and a long lost pen. In the past she used to have extra underwear with her, because accidents, right, but just as she had feared that was not the case today, probably hadn't been in a year or two.

„Fantastic-," she muttered ironically. Her gaze flitted to the door and she darted over on bare feet to lock it before she went through the drawers to find the hairdryer. Her eyes went back and forth between the electric appliance and her underwear. Desperation had never felt so funny. Victoria and her would now share another secret because she was absolutely _not_ going to slip into his sweatpants sans her underpants. She plugged the blower in and spent about five minutes to get her panties to a tolerable level of clammy, blowing out a breath as she realized despite all the blow drying her hair was still as wet as before and truthfully, she wasn't going to be able to fix it either for the lack of a round brush or a straightening iron, so what the hell.

Olivia's fingers combed through her moist strands of hair in a futile attempt to tame the wavy and slightly frizzy structure before she paused and decided to just leave it. Her gaze fell to the reflection of her lips that were still richly supplied with blood and plump from kissing. Absentmindedly, Olivia slowly traced the outline of her bottom lip. She truly hadn't expected Tom to kiss her. She certainly hadn't expected the experience to be so thrilling. Of course she was a little starved, she hadn't been kissed or touched in so long, sometimes Olivia was convinced the lack of a gentle touch was physically hurting. But this was something else. She's kissed quite a lot in her life, and she had good kisses, had known good kissers, but they had never knocked Olivia's socks off. Tom was all lips and want, exploration and fingers tangled in her hair, testing yet fully deliberate. She's been kissed, she's been undressed, she's had plenty of sex, but it came down to this one flustering but heady thing: Olivia had never felt so wanted.

She caught herself with an expression of wantonness on her face, and she decided that it looked foreign on her. Tearing her gaze away from the mirror her blouse came off and joined her pants and she thanked heaven for a dry bra as she slipped into the hoodie that was at least a size too big on her but she was warm and comfortable now. She put away the hairdryer and cleaned up after herself, folding her pants and blouse as best as she could. The used towel was thrown into the hamper, her wet cloth in the small waste bin near the lavatory.

Re-emerging from the bathroom, she saw Tom sitting on the sofa, wearing a fresh pair of jeans and t-shirt. In front of him were two mugs of tea. Olivia's heart melted, although there was no surprise. He had always taken care of her. She didn't need grand gestures, he always thought of all the small things that truly counted. Offering a small smile, she made her way over to the couch, sitting down next to him and she couldn't help but notice nervousness radiating off of him as he was wringing his hands, gaze fixated on her.

„Feel better?" He asked hopefully, taking in her appearance. The outfit was at least one size too big for her but there was something oddly satisfying about seeing her in his clothes. Her cheeks were flushed with either warmth or something else, but he didn't care the reason, it looked too damned lovely on her. Even with her hair wet and her face free of make-up, her looks still blew Tom's mind. As a regular, red blooded man he found all kinds of women attractive - call it a weakness of the flesh or even dick-drivenness. But with Olivia it was something else. She made his pulse hammer and his mouth go dry. Whenever she was around him his world was a paradox. She made him breathe and yet it felt like he could never fill his lungs completely, she made him see things he hadn't before when at the same time he was blinded. Made him feel alive when he had a funny feeling that she was going to be the death of him in one way or another.

His eyes raked over her hair and then to her lips and although it had only been twenty, maybe thirty seconds, he had memorized the perfect curve of her bottom lip (which fit perfectly between his own and there was just a tiny bit of regret that he didn't nibble and suck on it). He could practically still feel his fingers combing through her wet locks, his thumb tracing the mound of her cheekbone. He was well aware he was staring at her but it did little to help him forget how his palm had slid from her shoulder down to the curve of her back just before he had unwillingly torn his mouth from her earlier. It had not even been close to a freaking minute and he had used up all oxygen, had been too busy and lavish devouring her perfect pink lips. He's hanging on them, on her lips, and besides that nervous, awkward tension within him a different kind coils around him, striking him somewhere very low in his groin. Again. Better he keeps himself in check, he scolded in his thoughts. No need for her to be greeted by his crotch displaying a raging hard-on for her when he was merely _looking_ at her.

„Much better, thank you," she smiled. His sofa was pretty comfy, Olivia realized. Somehow she had missed it and all of the other things in this room. Mostly though, she had missed him. Olivia couldn't have anticipated the circumstances that led to her sitting here. She had wanted to talk, but hadn't expected to do it in the pouring rain, or for him to actually _listen_ , leave alone kiss her. Talking about opening a can of worms. Were they supposed to talk about it? Ignore it? No, she sure as hell couldn't ignore it and for reasons unbeknownst to her she didn't want to, either. He had kissed her and that had to mean _something_. Maybe it had been a smart move to be selfish and put herself out there, tell him she was sorry and regretted walking away. Possibly it wasn't too late for her to _try_. „So…" Yeah, but here was the thing. She wasn't good at talking about feelings, and stupidly she had never been a pro when it came to discussing intimacy - the carnal kind, and somehow kissing fell into that category.

„So…," Tom repeated gently, deciding not to beat around the bush. They had done that for too damned long and he wasn't ready to keep at it for much longer. „Where do we go from here?" After her monologue, after he had _kissed_ her. Obviously he couldn't deny what he wanted. Her - plain and simple.

Olivia tucked a strand of wet hair behind her ear, trying not to look away from him. Wasn't this just the million dollar question? Somehow Olivia had a feeling that it was all up to her, because hadn't Tom always been very clear about his intentions and where he wanted this to go? But things had changed since then. She had after all told him no, and in _some_ way they both have moved on. There was obviously something between them, feelings, attraction, infatuation. Not necessarily an indicator that Tom was still interested in _being_ with her. To think it was _just_ a kiss felt awfully wrong, discredited everything Olivia had felt as it happened, but it was one possibility. People kissed all the time, sometimes with no actual motive. Maybe it had been a moment instead of a conscious decision that was supposed to hold meaning. For God's sakes, people had sex on a whim, so a kiss could damn well be insignificant and that option was scaring the shit out of her.

Where did they go from here? She could tell him she didn't know, that it was all up to him, but how would that be fair? And wasn't it feasible that he had asked because he wanted to hear it from her irrespective of what he wanted? With nothing to lose, she might as well take a leap, _try_ and have some faith. Fight if needed be.

„I'd hope on a date. A real one because I want to give this a chance." She took a breath, glad it was out. In a way they were probably past the whole dating game, they had already gotten to know each other, they _knew_ they liked each other enough. Fuck, how was this so hard? For a brief moment Olivia closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. „Scratch that. Actually, don't scratch that just… I want to be with you. That's all. If you still want to, which I understand if you don't-„ she rambled, trying to read him.

„Olivia, slow down, or do I have to shut you up again?" Tease, threat, pre announcement, he wasn't quite sure what it was, but God, was it tempting to translate either into action.

„No," she said too quickly, when a little voice in her head screamed yes. „I mean, not that I would mind but… Okay, sorry. Your turn to talk. Got it." Tom didn't knew this side of her, so fidgety with words or her pointless rambling. Granted, it was endearing, but he almost felt sorry for her being so twitchy around him.

„Good," he said softly, taking a moment to contemplate his next step and purposefully reached for Olivia's hand. The last time he had done the very same thing her reaction had dashed his hopes, so naturally this time he was watching her closely. She didn't look down or away, nor did she pull away, instead she lightly curled her fingers around his, welcoming him with a gentle squeeze that made Tom's heart skip a beat. With no idea what had prompted her to come by - except he kind of knew because she had told him - he was amazed at how things seemed to come full circle all of a sudden. Of course there was no telling where it would lead, but Tom figured this could be the start of something. Something he had wanted so much that it almost made him go insane from the get go. Olivia Benson really was something else. „I want you. Dates, being with you, simply spending time with you and not just as friends - whatever. I want you. But I don't want any more games. I can deal with insecurities, I have my own, trust me. But I want you to really make up your mind because I can't take the back and forth anymore." Different emotions wrapped themselves around Tom's chest - relief, happiness, worry, fear, hopefulness - in a tight grip that made everything within him constrict. He really needed her to think this through properly. Guarantees weren't in the cards, but he at least wanted her to be sure that she wanted to be with him and would let him into her life. His heart had already suffered cracks from her before and while he was ready to get hurt, because love was such a delicate and fickle thing that always came with certain wounds, even if it was good, he wasn't ready to put himself on the line if she wasn't being serious about starting an actual relationship with him.

Olivia's eyes shifted, gazing at their strangely interlocked fingers. She heard him, she did, but she didn't even consider his request, his words. Because for once there was no need to. Making up her mind, thinking about it some more - all not necessary. She already knew. Turned out the hours spent at Lindstrom's office had been worth more than Olivia could have hoped for. Normally, she realized, self-doubt would be eating away at her right now, tearing off bits and pieces of her insides with its sharp, unforgiving teeth. She'd find ways to rationalize and talk herself out of anything that had to do with dating and relationships and do a damned good job of it, too. The only thing that unsettled her, if only a little bit, was that she was too aware of Tom's eyes on her. He was obviously waiting for her to speak, to agree and probably, well, quite certainly actually, he was fully expecting her to take the bait. It was an out, simple as that. Only she didn't care about out, she wanted in and she wanted to let Tom in. Into her heart, her life. That much clarity gave her a bit of a scare. Now all she had to do was put the cards on the table.

„Actually, I don't need more time," she gave herself a little mental push, finding his blue eyes again, and the corners of her lips lift to a perfectly honest smile. She shifted on the sofa, her knee touching his. She was hyper aware of him and the hair on the back of her neck stood up, all senses on alert. Her thumb was drawing lazy, random patterns on the back of Tom's hand just for the sake of occupation, a mechanism to distract.

Fear and exhilaration mixed for Tom. Fear because it would take so little for her to yank it all away from him again, like she had before. Exhilaration because… well, she did sound… positive? It was a road untraveled with her, at least as far as Tom could tell. Olivia had never seemed sure about anything, she had always requested for time to think things through and more often than that he had told her to take time, because he was walking a tightrope and figured if he made just one single wrong step, he'd fall off and lose her before even getting a shot. However, he needed some more clarification. Before getting his hopes up and dashed. Before trying to trust that this time she meant it and this whole things wouldn't blow up in his face like a fire cracker.

„Are you sure?"

No. Instinctively, she wanted to tell him no, she wasn't sure, not at all. Scared out of her mind was what she was, insecure and walking on eggshells, emotionally speaking. But funnily, yes, she was sure. Running had failed, she'd tried wholeheartedly after all. Time for a change of path. Time to try and trust and actually get a _chance_ at happiness. Sure, it might go all wrong, Olivia was well aware it was a very real possibility. Heartbreak, heartache, desperation. All of it. But there was also the chance at getting that one thing she had always wanted: contentment. It was a fifty-fifty chance, and for the first time Olivia found herself thinking that fifty-fifty was better than zero. More importantly - and this was the truly unsettling part - Olivia's heart knew it. Her head knew it. She wanted this. How astonishing that it took a deluge, a mind-boggling kiss and a set of his oversized clothes for her to discover that she fully and irrevocably wanted to be in a relationship with Tom Tetley.

„I'm sure." It came with no further consideration, no pause.

And damn if it didn't surprise the both of them equally.

…

TBC


	19. Surprise Egg

Utter bliss was what Tom felt. He sat, perfectly blissful, next to Olivia, her hand still wrapped around his. They had for at least two minutes and neither of them had said anything else because he was (blissfully) shocked by the certainty in her eyes, and mind you, her voice had carried that, too, and she was perfectly content with their silence.

And really, he could sit like this for hours with her without missing a single thing in the world. Granted, his mind was going places if he was to be completely honest because what male in his right mind wouldn't want to be at least a little bold? It was sparked whenever Olivia's thumb brushed the back of his hand, swiping the knuckle of his index-finger or when she looked at him like… _that._ Just like she did right that second, eyes clouded but oh so bright at the same time, he swore he'd be able to spot them from somewhere in outer space.

God, it did things to him. Made his nerve endings tingle and his heart clench with affection like he had never, he swore _never,_ felt this early on before. He wasn't usually the kind of guy who fell in love easily. There would be massive attraction on his part, curiosity, and hands down - a lot of sexual interest because at the end of the day he was just a guy. He had liked women, he had slowly fallen for his exes and had learned to love them, really love them in time. But with Olivia it seemed someone had pressed fast-forward and every emotion had sky-rocketed right from the start. He had fallen for her hook, line and sinker.

Tom had never seen himself date a mother. Not that he had ruled it out completely, he had simply never been able to picture it. Yet here he was, figuring _‚the heart wants what it wants'_ made a terrible lot of sense. It also was terribly terrifying.

He loved kids, hands down. And Noah was a very lovely one at that, but Tom wasn't kidding himself. It was uncharted territory for him and it was, no doubt, going to be challenging. Olivia had, for one, a crazy schedule. There were times when he hadn't seen her for two weeks or a whole month other than those two to five minutes in the morning. She worked all day, she worked weekends and well - she _had_ a son who needed her time and attention, who deserved as much of it as his mother could possibly offer.

Now he was going to be thrown into the mix, would have to subject himself to her work schedule and domestic life. There were a million insecurities as to how he was going to fit in. Granted, Tom was a patient man, at least he thought he was, but those fine-winding tendrils of unease were taking a hold of his heart, strangling it a little. He'd have to come up with massive amounts of understanding when she didn't have time for him. Face he'd never be a priority in her world. He could be part of it, though, and wasn't that something? It was his silver lining and maybe, maybe it could be enough.

If things would develop positively, it wouldn't always be this way. At a certain point she would have to tell Noah, and he'd be introduced into the little boy's life as more than just his teacher and thus open new opportunities to participate in Olivia's life. A matter of time it was, he reassured himself.

Ultimately Tom had a feeling Olivia was worth putting his own needs on the back burner for a few months. They wouldn't get together daily, probably not even once every week. She wasn't going to stay over spontaneously and there was not going to be any dropping her off at her place and be asked to come up for a little while. It would be all planned and scheduled to a T, and she'd cancel over work or lack of a sitter or a puking four-year old guitarist in the making and at times being in a new relationship would probably even stress Olivia out. But despite it all, underneath fear and worry, he was still perfectly blissful.

Technically, Tom figured it would now be okay to kiss her, to take it a bit farther and touch her in places that weren't giving his primal desires away. He had no intention to sleep with her, of course.

 _No intention at all._

Well, that didn't ring completely true, for obvious reasons. But even Tom knew that (four previous dates or not) it was too soon. Essentially, they were back at square one and they had only kissed once. Thinking they'd be sleeping together anytime soon would be delirious. It would probably take another three or four dates and factually speaking months could pass up until then, depending on how much time Olivia could make for him.

That was an aggravating circumstance and a quite frustrating one at that because Jesus, Tom didn't know for how much longer he would be able to make do with fantasies only. Back at square one they were, but there was history and there had been dates. He was only human, right? And damn him if it hadn't been a while since he's last had sex. Sexual desire for a woman he was (let's face it, Tetley) in love with was natural. It was healthy. He should probably be worried if he didn't think about it, if he didn't long to be close to her so completely. Just imagining to see her with less clothes (or God forbid naked) made his mouth run dry and his heart beat faster, and frankly, it also made his blood shoot right to his groin in waves of burning arousal.

He wondered how her skin would feel in places he had never touched, how her breasts would fit into his hands. He wondered how that spot on her neck, just below her earlobe, would taste, or how her breathing pattern would change if he worked his mouth down her body, discovering every inch of her. How her muscles would tense beneath his fingertips and what kind of sounds she'd make in various scenarios. Curiosity made his head spin whenever he debated with himself if she was the vocal or quiet kind, if her moans would be deep and guttural or high pitched and squeaky. Did she come easily or would he have to _really_ work for it? And…

He really had to stop. Really. Because his pants were getting awfully tight in a very specific area and if he kept looking at her, wondering about the ins and outs of Olivia's sexual responsiveness he'd either need to run for an ice-cold shower or grab a pillow to place on his lap. Both scenarios would be too telling for Tom's liking. Logically an erection around ( his girlfriend? Did he dare think of her as that just yet?) Olivia was nothing but a natural reaction. He really wasn't shy about that stuff, not embarrassed either, but he didn't want to risk creating pressure. The least he could do was _try_ to keep himself in check around her. After all he wasn't a teenage boy anymore who had random erections at any given place or the worst of times. Needing something to focus on, Tom decided it was about time to start a conversation.

„Do you think we could meet sometime this coming weekend?" He asked softly, seeing the attention span Olivia's face as their comfortable silence was broken. Hopeful that she'd say yes, Tom thought if he had anything planned. He hadn't. There was the staff meeting at school on Friday at five but after that he was going to be free. If Olivia hadn't shown up tonight Tom would have maybe visited his parents, because he had been a bit tardy about it lately. Actually, he'd been downright avoiding it.

Knowing his mother she would have tried to grill him how everything was going namely work (she really wasn't overly interested in this part), finances (that she cared about, and although he had a very decent income for a pre-school educator she constantly tried to slip him money that _he_ didn't want but never refused because for reasons he had never understood, his mom took it personal), and finally his love life. Not surprisingly Tom has had no intention of sharing the train wreck dating Olivia had resulted in and more than that he did _not_ want to be reminded of something he tried so hard to forget or at least get over.

Even now with things looking up, Tom would rather keep things to himself. At least for a while, until this new relationship felt solid. The second he would mention he was earnestly seeing someone his mother would start to create a freaking circus and try to find out every little detail about the woman and Tom would try to shut her down in vain. She'd suggest dinner (at her house, because in her own kitchen she could go completely overboard with food for four that might as well serve twenty) and be deeply disappointed if he politely declined the offer. Because here was the thing about his mother: Tom would say _new relationship_ and his mother would hear wedding bells ringing and if she was going to be particularly thrilled she'd start the _baby talk_. Because she was a sucker for grand babies. Even before him and Sarah had come to terms with his infertility and how to deal with its consequences his mother had already prepared a list with national and international adoption agencies because ‚ _DNA doesn't matter'_ and _‚just imagine how wonderful it would be to give a poor child a beautiful life_ '. As if a Colombian or Peruvian child could somehow stifle the heartache they were going through. Or the adoption process could make up for the crushing reality that they would never get to see _their_ child during a sonogram, their child to grow in Sarah's womb, Sarah give birth to the ultimate proof of their love for each other.

It had been the first and only time Tom had actually yelled at his mother, telling her to shut the hell up and shove her neatly scribbled addresses up her ass.

It also had been the only time he had ever seen his mother stunned to silence.

In hindsight that had probably been where it had all gone wrong. With Sarah. The perfect family with 2.3 kids? She had been robbed of it. And he had been to blame for it. Well, not technically, Tom hadn't done a thing in terms of stealing this dream from her, but it was him who was sterile, his part of the job he hadn't been able to do to create new life. No matter the options, adoption or donor sperm, it had been because of his inability to procreate that Sarah's picture perfect dreams of the average American family had been shattered. She may have never openly blamed him, never said it out loud, but whenever they _did_ talk about more unconventional ways to start a family? He could feel it. The silent recrimination in her eyes, the proverbial elephant in the room.

In that regard dating Olivia was actually perfect. Not that he had specifically been looking for someone who didn't want or could no longer have children with him. Not at all. But it _was_ convenient, he couldn't deny he felt that way. With her he'd never feel like less than a man because there were no expectations in terms of starting a family. With her he could just be, he'd only have to deal with his own lasting issues about it.

Olivia shifted, her hand on his was now resting perfectly still.

„I'm not sure. I got orders to send one of my detectives home for the week when we're already understaffed. It's probably going to be a rough week." She made a long pause, sighing softly. Here they were right back to complicated. After Carisi's enforced week off, Amanda had a week of vacation coming up to visit her mother in Atlanta. Which meant even more covering, long hours, paperwork at night on her couch, if she didn't want to get a slap on the wrist for lagging behind, and too little sleep. Sometimes she really hated the administrative part of the job with a passion. Especially now that it fucked with the little leisure time she had. „I'll try, but it's probably going to be a spontaneous decision. Depends on how much I've got going on."

„Think there's a chance the scum of the city's going to take a night off?" Rhetorical question, small smirk in place. Obviously he wasn't being serious, not even hopeful. The feeling of having to make the best of a couple of minutes of seeing her in the mornings spread quickly but his head and heart didn't like it much.

„Unlikely," she smiled sadly. „And even if they did, we're swamped with pending investigations, then there's the trail of paperwork," her head bobbed left and right for a moment. „You get the idea."

„I understand." And still he didn't like it one bit, but he wasn't going to start to make her feel miserable about it. He had his liabilities, she had hers. He was just lucky that at 2:15 PM sharp his ended, at least work-wise.

„We could do lunch, if you want. After school." It was nothing like an actual date or an evening together but at least in the realms of possibilities. „It would only be thirty or forty minutes but…"

He didn't need to think twice about it, answering before she had even finished speaking. If it meant getting to spend at least a half hour with Olivia, he'd take it.

„Absolutely. Lunch sounds fantastic."

„Yeah?" She sounded unsure, and honestly, it felt like it was too little, but what was she to do? She couldn't put dating first and work and Noah second, as tempting as it was.

„Yeah," he agreed, his lips curling up in a smile. „Whatever works for you, Olivia. If you've got thirty minutes to spare and want to spend them with me? I'll happily take it." He said it nonchalantly. With a shrug. And then he squeezed her hand gently for good measure and brought his other to her face, letting his knuckles skim her cheek. Yeah, he had fallen for her hook, line and sinker. He'd happily miss her for days and revel in her presence for thirty minutes over food and coffee or whatever they'd do during her quick break from work.

He thought for a moment and then slowly, very slowly, maybe to give her time to turn away if she wanted, leaned in and pressed a single, soft kiss against her lips. She didn't. Move away, that was. She seemed a little surprised, maybe even overwhelmed, but he couldn't fault her because this? Was clearly new territory. It was okay for them to kiss now and yet it was strange. Tom was looking for those new boundaries, because they have shifted since they had last been together. They were past first and second dates, past figuring out if they liked each other and were looking for the same thing. And quite obviously they were past Olivia being unable to make up her mind if she wanted things to progress beyond the no-string-attached dating thing they had done for two months. It really was a bit of a peculiar dance he did, physically and emotionally. A brand new tightrope to walk, because how was he to know how far he could go without losing balance? This? Them? It was delicate. New and fragile, in need of slow nurturing. Despite the attraction that pulled Tom towards Olivia - both, intellectually and sexually - what he experienced with her was not about attraction. Never had been. Well, in parts, of course. But it went so much deeper. The emotional connection had always come first. Ever since he had met her he _felt_ first and thought with his dick… well not even second. Now, he didn't want to shoot that all to hell. Actually, it felt _right_. To fall in love first and not consummate something unsteady. To tread slowly and with care and get to know all the little things about her before learning about the major stuff.

„S'that okay?" It still felt like he had to break down some barriers, although Olivia clearly didn't come off unwilling. But he had to pace himself, _wanted_ to pace himself and give her the time she needed.

Instead of answering him she nodded her head in a barely visible manner before she closed the distance, locking lips again, brushing her mouth ever so delicately against his. There was no rush, not even want, it was just… simple and sweet, a confirmation that didn't need words.

It was ever so tempting to deepen the kiss, but all Tom did was sigh softly against her mouth. It lasted three, four, five seconds, until she broke away just as gently as she had moved in.

Her eyes found his and one hand came to rest on Tom's biceps as she smiled hesitantly. „I think I've got to go. It's gotten later than I had expected, I told Lucy I'd be home around nine." By now it was probably closer to nine-thirty or ten and although Olivia was reluctant to move, to leave Tom's side, she didn't want to take advantage of her nanny's kindness.

„Okay. Let me drive you?" If he had learned one thing, it was that Olivia wasn't easily persuaded when it came to favors, no matter how convenient they were. By now it had finally stopped pouring, but he still didn't want her to walk or take a cab. Not when he could spend another fifteen minutes trapped in his car with her.

Surprisingly, she didn't object. Even more surprisingly she smiled bright enough for it to split her face in half and create wrinkles around the outer corners of her eyes

That smile, yeah? Knocked his socks off. Made the neurons in his brain light up in bright neon colors and spray sparks. A second longer and there would've been a short circuit. Power cut - lights out for good. Sneaky little thing her smile was. It could basically kill him with bliss. Then again, dying from that? Not the worst way to kick it.

„So glad you ask," she breathed, actually sounding relieved. Because _her_ clothes were still wet and she really did not want to walk home like this or let a cabbie see her in oversized men clothes, although Olivia was certain people have seen worse. Call her shallow, but she had some vanity left in her bones. And truthfully, she wanted to be taken home by Tom just for the sake of being around him for a little bit longer. She had missed him for too long after all.

„You're not objecting, how's that for a change?" Tom chuckled. Oh, he liked that side of her.

„I look like hell," she said sheepishly.

„You look just _fine_ , Olivia." He put plenty emphasis on _fine_. And actually, that was an understatement. In fact she could be wearing a potato sack and still look incredible, in his opinion anyway.

„I look like a woman in oversized men clothes," she made her point, staring at him in real wonderment, pondering if he was blind or just had a terrible fashion sense.

„Don't mock the outfit or I'll make you lose it." His voice was a tease but the innuendo wasn't lost on Tom, and frankly, it only fully registered when the words had already rolled of his tongue. He saw Olivia blushing fiercely in a deep shade of red that crept over her entire face. Oh-Oh.

He gulped and she lowered her gaze in embarrassment. Should he apologize? Assure her that's _not_ what he meant? A few seconds passed and while he was still busy trying to pull his foot out of his mouth, Olivia thankfully spoke up.

„Oh, it's beautiful, just trying to say: it's not really my style. But it'll do." She smiled coyly, trying her best not to let this get any more awkward. She could have countered with an innuendo herself, but this early on it wasn't her style. She could've gone for a self-conscious remark, but wanted to save him the breath of trying to convince her that she was being ridiculous, however he thought he could possibly judge that. The safe route it was.

„To be honest, I do prefer _your_ style, too." That would be different if he had given her one of his dress shirts. And no pants. Quite an imagery that started to shift into focus behind in his eyes. Sexy, really. And uncalled for. That afterthought almost made him want to pull a pouty face.

Eventually he straightened and slowly let go of her hand, missing the contact almost instantly. „Let's go, huh? Don't wanna keep the nanny waiting."

And so they spun into motion. Tom got up first and Olivia followed more slowly, only now realizing that the tea he had made while she was in the bathroom (probably blowdrying her panties) hadn't even been touched by either of them. She slipped into her clammy shoes barefoot, grimacing at the cold feel of them. Fantastic. With her luck she'd catch a cold by tomorrow.

While Olivia was getting dressed, Tom got a bag and collected her wet clothes from the bathroom.

„Your clothes," he pointed out as she looked at him quizzically.

„Oh, right." She would have forgotten about them, which wouldn't have been the end of the world. She had a closet full of pants and blouses and she did definitely count on coming back here as soon as her schedule allowed. „Thank you."

Tom slipped into his own shoes but couldn't help but keep his eyes trained on Olivia. Once ready, she graciously took her handbag and it looked too funny with the outfit she was waring. Hoodie and sweatpants and picking her very expensive looking leather handbag up like a real lady simply did not mix. Tom almost laughed out loud. Just almost. But all that came out was a soft snort that he covered up with a fake cough and clearing his throat for good measure. She was just too goddamn adorable and that image? It would be playing on his mind for many years for sure.

„Think we'll need an umbrella?" Another downpour would certainly not be as… interesting. Rather bothersome, Tom figured.

„That depends on how long we'll walk to your car."

„Half a block. If we go by the cloudburst from earlier we might just get soaked again."

„Take it," Olivia decided. She grabbed her leather jacket and realized with the oversized hoodie she didn't fit into it, draping it over her arm instead.

…

Traffic was surprisingly fluid considering they were in New York City. A fine net of drizzle moistened the windshield despite the wiper's rhythmical back and forth. It was almost tranquilizing, Olivia decided. She felt perfectly content in this car with Tom. Some song she didn't know was playing on the radio, the volume just right, still allowing for conversation but just loud enough to understand the lyrics.

„Have you actually had dinner?" The question sounded like it had been spoken in the same microsecond it popped into Tom's mind, making Olivia's head turn and her stomach growl as she realized that she was actually quite hungry.

„Not yet. I was in a meeting until… eight or so," Olivia explained. In fact, she had last eaten this morning because she didn't find time to do actual lunch. Well, except that tiny bag of Lays she had gotten from the vending machine at the precinct.

„Want me to stop somewhere, get you something?" Serious concern laced his voice. Logically, Tom knew Olivia wasn't going to starve but he couldn't stand the thought of her being hungry and it was nearing ten o'clock.

„You don't have to," she said, flashing an appreciative smile for offering. He was such a good guy, so attentive, it put everyone else to shame. „I'll find something at home."

„We're driving anyway, no problem to go and pick up some take out for you. Chinese?"

„You're persistent," she chuckled.

„You bet I am. I'm going to stop someplace anyway, you might as well choose what you're in the mood for." He figured sometimes he would simply have to tell Olivia, put his foot down instead of leaving it all up to her. Smirking, he glanced at her for a second, laughing softly as she sighed with what looked like frustration and agreement alike.

„Chinese is good."

„Always a winner," he said with nonchalance, but grinned like a little boy that had just gotten his way. In fact it reminded Olivia an awful lot of Noah. Except for the playful flirtation that was written all over his face. Then again, Noah could be a bit of a flirt, too, mostly around women and especially when his heart desired something.

„You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

„I'm enjoying the company and tend to take care of the people that mean something to me."

„Such a diplomatic answer," she teased and laughed, stretching her legs out as much as possible. Sometimes she really wondered what his flaws were because since meeting him she hadn't found any. Not a damned thing.

Talk about making her feel inadequate.

„Smart, huh?" He cast another smile at her before he pulled to the side upon spotting a Chinese place. „What do you want?"

„Uh-," she started to slowly rummage through her handbag, pulling out her purse. „Lo Mein and egg rolls. The mini egg rolls." She pulled out a twenty dollar bill, seeing Tom shake his head sternly.

„No way, it's on me," he told her, ignoring the bill she was waving under his nose with.

„Don't be difficult," Olivia argued accompanied by an eye-roll and a groan.

„I could say the same to you. Look, I get that you're a strong, independent woman and all, right? But let's face it, evolutionary speaking I am predestined to catch a mammoth or something. Now, my hunting skills suck, and honestly, I couldn't kill anything that's bigger than a spider, yeah? But I damn well can walk in there and get my woman Lo Mein Noodles and egg rolls. Don't take my proud moment away from me, Olivia." While it all sounded like easy banter and funny (and was spoken with half a grin plastered on his face) Tom was serious about it, too. He _wanted_ to take care of her and he has been raised to treat a woman. He split the check with friends, but not with someone he was dating or in a relationship with, his mother had taught him well in that department.

Olivia glanced at him warily for a moment, but then her eyes softened and again she could only think: _good guy_. Too good for his own good.

 _Dammit._

Sighing softly, she visibly relaxed and slipped the bill back into her wallet. Part of her had wanted to keep arguing and string it out just to get her way and _win_. But truth was, he was being sweet and that deserved appreciation. „You're a piece of work."

„Likewise," he chuckled. „Better get used it." It was said with a wink, and without waiting for a further response from Olivia, Tom checked the side mirror and opened the car door. „Be right back."

Olivia shook her head, smiling despite herself as she watched him dart across the street. She was no stranger to chivalry, but it had always made her feel just the littlest bit uncomfortable it if wasn't a dinner date. Thing was, Tom was being so sweet and natural about it, that it was hard to feel funny about it or allow for her stubbornness to kick in at full gear. He wanted to make her feel good and take care of her, and while Olivia loved her fierce independence it came down to one simple thing: she wanted to make him feel good about himself, too. Snubbing him wasn't going to help with that, so Olivia decided to take herself back and let herself be… taken care of. And if she was being honest? Something about it made her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

She couldn't have anticipated everything that had transpired tonight. What was meant to be an explanation and apology had quickly turned into something entirely different and spiraled out of her control in a delightful way. So delightful, the memory still made Olivia squirm ever so slightly and heaven knows she was thankful for the moment of privacy because she blushed fiercely at how much she had wanted his kiss. How she was craving more of his lips. Her hands were longing to touch him, feel his biceps beneath her fingers again, the way his muscles had flexed beneath her fingertips as his own had slipped into the wet of her hair.

At that thought she squirmed in her seat very visibly. Olivia bit back a laugh at herself. Jesus. A few weeks ago she had convinced herself that starting something serious with Tom (or anyone for that matter) was nothing short of opening Pandora's Box, unleashing all the evils of the world - of love. Maybe even all the evil colors of Olivia herself. In hindsight, though? Nothing bad had happened yet. Was it just the calm before the storm, or was it possible that no evil would fall upon them at all? And wasn't Pandora's box supposed to contain hope, too? That would put a whole new spin on Olivia's theory. Hope. Possibly it was all that was left in the jar. It sure made for an interesting approach.

In her gut Olivia knew Tom was a decent, solid person. They haven't known each other for long of course and realistically she only knew the basics about him. Job, family, hobbies, favorite this and favorite that.

But.

Call it a hunch or just some deep rooted feeling - he was a good guy. He felt like a reliable prediction, like the principle of real and actual hope worth having. Worth hanging on to.

Tom had sent her into a tailspin but funnily it made Olivia feel alive for the first time in a long time. It was exhilarating. And granted, also a bit scary.

Whenever Tom looked at her she felt… _seen_.

She wasn't an expert in reading expressions but there was something in his eyes and face that made her feel special, like she was one of the nicest things he had ever seen. Something that actually made Olivia feel good about herself.

Even with all her faults and after blowing him off before, nothing had changed about his behavior around her or the way he looked at her and made her feel… _right._ Around him she felt just plain right as a person and as a woman. Like there was truly nothing about her that he would want to change. Like there was not even a damned thing she could do _wrong_.

The crux was that it made Olivia feel even more self-conscious and hyper-aware of her own emotional shortcomings. Obviously she hadn't handled things smartly in the past. She hadn't embraced dating a perfectly decent man, she had chosen to run. Had waited for the other shoe to drop during each single date. And when she had still come up empty handed because Tom was the perfect gentleman, sweet, funny and patient? Yeah, that's when she had taken matters into her own hands and had found a million and one reasons as to why dating him was as bad an idea as if it had come from Satan himself. Yes, she could be idiotic like that when she got all insecure and vulnerable when actual feelings were lurking beneath the surface.

And then she had forgotten one part of the equation.

The _regret._

Bitter, sticky regret that had enveloped her and seeped into her body through her skin. Regret had led to despair. Despair had led to sadness. Sadness had led to calling Carrie just so _someone_ would set her straight and…

Well, that's how she had ended up on her shrink's comfy couch once more, opening up about her fears of letting someone into her life. Truly letting them in, not that thing she had pulled with Ed whom she had let into her personal space, inside her apartment and… inside her body (strictly physical that was). But her heart? She had preserved it, had never even let him get too close to it.

And she had learned a thing or two about herself in therapy.

Olivia had never seen it that way, but many of her former relationships had failed because she self-sabotaged like a pro. That was something Lindstrom used to hint at even years ago, but then Olivia wouldn't have it, didn't want to hear how he thought she had chosen Elliot to be cross in love with. How her partner had been married with kids and thus safe, that he had been the only constant in her life for twelve years and five months (not that she'd been counting). How his friendship had been everything and more, that he had been family, confidant, best friend and love interest alike, so nobody else ever stood a chance, which was just perfect as long as Olivia had been blissfully unaware or correctly put: _in big fat denial._

But in those latest session even she had to admit that Lindstrom had a bit of a point. It had been Elliot after all, who was supposed be her knight in shining armor during every torturous moment spent with William Lewis. Elliot she had thought of, that one person she would have given anything to see once more. Elliot that she had wanted to call once she had subdued Lewis. Elliot she hadn't called because she knew he wouldn't have picked up even if she _could have_ remembered his number - which she didn't.

And while hearing all of it had caused Olivia to reflect her partnership-slash-friendship-slash-whateverelseitwas and helped her to finally let Elliot Stabler go, she had still been trapped in her old patterns. Her relationships have lasted longer, yes. But they weren't of better quality, either. Couldn't be when she kept herself guarded (or so Lindstrom had told her).

And then along came Tom. Refreshingly different and not someone she had known through work for half a lifetime. Like David Haden (okay, she hadn't known him before but he still fulfilled the _‚date co-workers prophecy'_ ) or Brian and finally Ed.

Tom hadn't fit her dating criteria at all (if such a thing even existed), and although she had been wary from the start, the man had somehow managed to steal her heart by just being… Tom. He had gotten under her skin, into her veins, and without Olivia ever even noticing he had taken her over, had engrained himself in her system to a point she could no longer get him out.

 _Infatuation._

Sneaky. Astonishing. Ties that had started to bind her in cryptic ways.

But what truly made the tables turn? Caused that crucial change within her?

 _She had wanted it._

 _Change._

Olivia had been tired of pretending she was fine and didn't need anyone else to be happy. Tired of pretending she didn't need love. Mostly she had been done bullshitting herself, because what person in their right mind broke something off that hadn't even begun and then sat on their kitchen floor with a bottle of Bourbon, sobbing like a big old mess?

 _Bing! Bing! Bing! We have a winner._

Yes, it really was about time for a change.

…

„Lo Mein, mini egg rolls, fortune cookie," Tom smiled, handing over the plastic bag that held the two containers of food.

„Fortune cookie, huh?"

„Of course. What's Chinese food without a fortune cookie? Wisdom and a treat combined? What could possibly be better? It's like a Kinder Surprise Egg, only legal." His grin was boyish and Olivia had to admit that those dimples were about to drive her out of her mind because damn… they were sparking something within her that probably deserved an M-rating, if she let herself think about it.

Yup, here she was blushing and fidgeting in her seat.

„If I told you I smuggled those into the country, would you have to rat me out?" He asked, looking at her.

She glanced at him, her face blank until she raised an eyebrow.

„You smuggle candy?"

„Only hypothetically," he cleared his throat, but beamed. In fact he had, many years ago, smuggled quite a few of them into the country - for himself, it wasn't like he gave them to kids, although he didn't understand the big deal. This country let children handle guns, but God beware they were confronted with a chocolate egg that contained a small toy. Choking hazard, his ass!

„Hypothetically - if I had knowledge about you engaging in any illegal activities, and be it smuggling Kinder Eggs… I'd have to forward it to the precinct in charge. However, I am sure you would do no such thing."

„Not when I'm with one of New York's Finest," he mumbled.

„You really did that, didn't you?" She chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief.

„I plead the fifth." He glanced at her a couple of times as pulled back into the flow of the traffic.

„I'm involved with a criminal. Unbelievable. Anything else you smuggle?" The question was accompanied by a snort.

„Just pot, sometimes cocaine. The meth I cook myself," he joked.

„You're an oddball," Olivia chuckled.

„And you love it," he shrugged, he shrugged with his own laugh.

Olivia kept silent. But yes. Yes, she did love it.

…


	20. Eat

**Authors Note: So sorry it has taken me so long. These past few weeks were a little crazy in my universe. I promise I'll be better with updates, at least for a little while. This is nothing too heavy, just a little... ah, just read it.**

„You'll call?" Tom's lips brushed against Olivia's as the words came as a whisper. Olivia couldn't tell for how long they've been stringing the kiss good night thing out. What she did know however, was that she did not feel like moving, but eventually she would have to.

„I'll call," she mumbled in agreement, reluctantly pulling away after a last soft kiss.

Tom didn't want to let her go, but realistically they had to stop this, so the distance between their faces was a good thing or else Olivia would never make it out of his car. His knuckles gently skimmed Olivia's cheek as he smiled. „You gotta go."

„I gotta go," she nodded. „But I'll see you in the mornings."

„And you won't get all scared and insecure again and avoid me…," Tom added, his voice a tease.

„I'll do my very best to get over that," Olivia said. He did have a point, she would have to work on it. Being in meant no running, no hiding, no second-guessing. She could do that. She could be part of a perfectly normal, fresh relationship. She's done it before, she would do it now, even if the circumstances were very different from when she started dating Ed or Brian. The hardest part was probably over, everything else would simply take some courage. „You drive safe, yeah?"

„Of course." His smile was genuine as he brushed his lips against Olivia's for what he promised himself was the last time for the night. „Now get out, or else I might never let you go."

Olivia bit her lip, sighing softly. „I'd invite you up but…"

„I know. Some other time. You go. Eat. Sleep. You said you've got a tough couple of weeks coming up."

„Yeah, well that and Lucy is there and I don't think I'm ready for her to know just yet, seeing you're not a total stranger to my nanny."

„Are you embarrassed by me?" He asked, his voice clearly teasing her.

„No, it's not like that. Just… I need for this to sink in first, you know? I'm not someone who shouts it from the rooftop. I'm private. At first I am." Olivia had always kept her relationships under wraps from colleagues and friends. She knew how fickle these things could be, and if she went public with it, she wanted to be sure it had the potential to last, even if in retrospect it never did. It also seemed to get more complicated as soon as other people were in the know. When it was just her and a man it felt special, like something nobody could touch with their thoughts and opinions or personal feelings towards the person she was involved with. Something that was just for her and could be treasured.

„Nothing wrong about that," he answered softly and it was oddly reassuring to Olivia. Some men she used to be involved with didn't understand. They took her unwillingness to tell everybody about them for insecurity. „I'm not yet ready to tell my people about it, either. My sister will probably know if it comes up but that's because she's walked in on us the last time you were over. If she's going to ask I'm not going to lie about it, but I wouldn't mind if she forgot inquiring about you or how things are going. I did tell her that things didn't work out between us, it was kind of obvious to her anyway."

While Olivia had no idea how much Tom had told his sister about her and the time they've spent together, this part was a little scary to her. It didn't make the best impression that she saw Tom, then told him she didn't want to be with him only to change her mind weeks later. It made for an interesting story to tell someday, given it would last, but for now it certainly did not make Olivia very likable, at least in her opinion. She'd avoid meeting Rebecca for as long as possible, that much was for sure.

„I'll see you next week for lunch then?"

„Absolutely." It was reassuring that she asked again. Tom wanted to trust this but right now it still felt like it could all slip through his fingers again. „And if you don't mind I'll call tomorrow, if you let me know when you're home." Just to hear Olivia's voice and be reminded that all it was real, not some crazy dream. If he couldn't see her, he at least wanted to listen to her, talk to her, hear about her day.

„I'd like that," Olivia smiled.

„Great. And now go. Go," he rushed her. „Before you starve right in front of me."

„I'm going," she rolled her eyes, making sure everything was secure in her hands before she opened the car door.

…

As the door quietly clicked shut behind Olivia and she sat down the food bag and hung her jacket, Olivia started to apologize to Lucy, who sat on the sofa with a book, for being two hours late.

„I am so sorry Lucy. Work was hell, then I got into that crazy downpour, went back in, changed into… this," she explained the less than flattering outfit. „I promise it's not gonna happen again. I would've called but-„

„It's fine, I'm just glad you made it home safely. I wanted to call but figured you were probably busy until late. Nice outfit." Busy until late she certainly was and Lucy couldn't help but grin inwardly. _This_ definitely explained Olivia's behavior when she was overly interested in what Noah's teacher has or hasn't said lately.

„Isn't it? I only had sports wear left in my locker, had to borrow this from the guys." The lie came easy and it was the closest explanation that was also highly believable.

„New Detective then?" Lucy asked nonchalantly, trying to keep a straight face.

„What? Why? No, actually. It's Fin's." Now this was confusing, but maybe just a random question. Probably Lucy had seen an unknown face the last time she stopped by the precinct with Noah.

„Just wondering since on the back of the hoodie it says _Team Tetley_." And just so there would be no mistaking the name Tom was printed in both letters beneath it. Lucy could count one and one together and it sure was an interesting… revelation.

All color drained from Olivia's face within in a second. Needless to say her heart was racing with the uncovered lie. She had never cared to check what was printed on the back of the sweater. There was no explanation that would make sense, and the big grin on Lucy's face made it clear that Olivia didn't even need to try and dish her another lie as to how she came into possession of this piece of clothing that obviously belonged to Noah's preschool teacher. Instead Olivia took a deep breath and lifted both hands apologetically.

„I'm sorry, Lucy." Not for meeting Tom, of course. She was in no way sorry about that. „I did work late, I did get into the downpour as I was… seeing Noah's teacher."

„I'm sorry, too. It's none of my business, I just figured I should say something because you would have noticed the thing with the sweater and I didn't wanna act like I haven't seen it. Anyway - good for you, Liv. Really."

„Thank you. For… being upfront with me, I appreciate that although I'm really embarrassed now that you've caught me in a lie. I'll regard that in your paycheck and we'll never talk about it again," Olivia said quickly, now blushing as she kicked off her still wet shoes and brought her food over to the breakfast bar. „Good day? Has Noah been good?"

„Yeah, we had fun. He didn't eat much for dinner, brushing his teeth went really well and he took his cough medicine. I didn't get the feeling that it was getting worse, otherwise I would have called, of course," Lucy recounted the most important things of the day, those that Olivia expected to know about.

„That's a relief. I'd hate to have to take him to the Doctor again. Bad enough he has an appointment with the dentist on Monday." Which Olivia didn't even yet know how to take him without clearing her schedule for a couple of hours. Oh the joys of juggling motherhood and work.

„Do you need me to take him?" Lucy inquired. Of course Noah would rather go with Olivia, especially to the dentist, but it was no secret that appointments in the middle of the day were always a tricky thing for Olivia.

„I hope not, but I'm glad you're asking. Can I let you know on short not-„ Interrupted by her phone, Olivia apologized. „Sorry." She pulled the device out of her handbag, caller ID telling her it was Fin. „Benson." There was a brief pause in which Olivia's face turned to stone and her palm covered her forehead. „You gotta be kidding me. No. No, it's just not… not a good time right now, I literally just walked through my door. Yes. I'll have to clear with- I don't know Fin, let me see, okay? I'll call you back." She hung up, frustration written all over her face.

„Go," Lucy said, not allowing her to even ask. „It's why I've got spare clothes here, right?"

„God, Lucy you are an angel, I can't even say how sorry I am. And grateful. Very grateful," she sighed softly, already phoning Fin back. „I wouldn't know what to do without you- Fin? I'll be on my way in a minute, where do I meet you? Got it. I'll be twenty, thirty minutes." Hanging up she threw her Iphone back into her handbag. „I need to change. I will try to be back as soon as possible."

„Don't rush, drive safe. I'm here, I can take Noah to school if necessary, you gotta sleep sometime, Liv. You'll be a few hours, I know the drill. If you won't be here in the morning, then that's not a problem. Crash at the precinct, call me in the morning, Noah and I will be just fine." It wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last. Actually this time it was convenient, seeing how Lucy was still around at this late hour.

„Angel," Olivia only repeated as she hurried towards her bedroom to change. Two minutes later she was back out in one of her own sweaters and a pair of jeans, hair up in a loose and somewhat messy ponytail.

„Tell Noah I'm sorry in case I won't make it home, will you?" She asked hurriedly as she was almost out the door.

„As always, Liv. Bye."

„Bye. And again: you're an angel."

„I know, I know," Lucy laughed softly, sighing as the door closed behind a stressed Olivia.

…

„Hey." Hearing Olivia's voice was like a breath of fresh air. While Tom had been looking forward to seeing her in the morning, it had been disappointing to have the nanny drop Noah off. Tom had gone all day hoping Olivia was going to send him a text message or call. She hadn't said she would do either, in fact he had said that he would be the one calling her in the evening. Still it hadn't sat well with him - at least until he heard her voice.

„Hey. I've missed seeing you this morning."

„Ah, yeah, I know. I've worked until four and never made it home. I was called to a crime scene like… I don't even know, five minutes after you've dropped me off."

„Wow, I'm sorry." That sounded rough and Tom realized it meant she had probably not gotten a minute to herself since he'd last seen her the previous night. Noah probably hasn't been in bed for long, seeing it was now five past eight.

„I've written it off as a shitty night followed by a shitty day."

„I should probably let you go then, huh? So you can get some rest." It was the right thing to do, even though everything within him bristled.

„No. No, this is good, I'm glad you called." Olivia was tired and she sounded as exhausted as she felt, but she wasn't going to sleep right now anyway. During the day she has had no time to allow herself to think of Tom, but it was now that she realized she missed him _somehow_. „How was your day?"

„Well, better than yours, I think that's for sure, hm?"

„Probably, I dare say mine's not hard to beat, but I don't wanna complain or talk work."

„Have you even eaten last night?"

„Nope, but I've actually just finished the Lo Mein. And now I'm going to open that fortune cookie you got me." It would just be her luck if the message would be dark and twisty somehow. Also she'd never ever open a fortune cookie again if this one's wisdom wouldn't be uplifting.

„Oh fun." He could hear the foil crinkle through the phone. „You gonna read it to me?"

„You gonna let me open it first?" The soft bickering was accompanied by a chuckle as Olivia broke the fortune cookie in two and pulled out the small slip of paper. „ _If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten,_ " Olivia read out loud, falling silent. It made an awful lot of sense, especially seeing Tom was the one who bought her that fortune cookie. It was almost a warning. Not to run. Not to turn away although it was something potentially great. Or else she'd end up just like before. Just like always. Alone. Not that Olivia believed in the power of fortune cookies, but this one actually called her out on her past mistakes, encouraging her to make a change.

„How disappointing. I had hoped it would say _be kind to Tom, because Tom is nice and cares about you_ ," he joked.

„It… it does actually," Olivia said in thought. „It's pretty much what it says. Thank you. For the fortune cookie, thank you."

Confusing as it was, Tom didn't ask for Olivia to elaborate. It seemed to mean something to Olivia, and if it made sense to her, then that was good enough for him.

„You're welcome," he responded just as softly as she had spoken her thanks. „Was the Lo Mein any good?"

„Very. Then again it's Lo Mein, I doubt it can be bad."

„Trust me, it can be bad. Food wise anything can be horrible." He's had his share of awful food, even Chinese, although Tom knew people who claimed that it all tasted the same, no matter where you ate.

„Seriously?" Olivia deadpanned.

„Absolutely. On a different note-," Tom started, exhaling as he sat down on his couch. He had that thing where he was usually walking around his apartment when he was on the phone, and he just caught himself doing it again, forcing himself to sit down and stay still- „I've missed you today."

The way he said it, Olivia couldn't help but think how sincere it sounded. It caused her a bit of a guilty conscience because she hadn't thought about him all day. Of course she would have, but she barely had time to breathe, leave alone think of anything at all that was not work related. First thing in the morning she had called Carisi, telling him that he had to take the week off. He was as amused by it as Olivia herself, namely not in the least. And thus the stress had begun and not once worn off. Too much work, too little time, understaffed.

„Maybe I can do lunch on Monday. I'm working this weekend because I had to tell one of my Detectives that the Chief demanded he stay home, so I'm understaffed and catching, and well, actually having two normal work days to get some things done that have accumulated on my desk or else I'll never get it done."

„Is it always that crazy for you?" Tom winced, hoping the answer would bring him some relief.

„Not usually. It's just times like these, you know? When there's so much piling up and someone calls in sick or is on maternity leave or someone's got vacation time coming up. That can be very… trying for all of us. But usually no. I'm actually quite lucky most weekends because with being in charge comes delegating. I'm just doing a shitty job of it sometimes. I could and maybe should spend more time in my office, but I just happen to end up at too many crime scenes, talking to too many victims or witnesses. Call me a control freak. But somehow it works better for me than only having people report back to me."

„You're a workaholic."

„Guilty as charged." There was no denying it. She ran the place different from Cragen. Not that she thought her former Captain had done a bad job. She was simply a different character and liked to have everything under control. She also didn't feel comfortable enough to stay out of it and watch things unfold. She had always been more hands on than that.

„Lunch on Monday sounds great. I'll be free right after school, so I guess I can be wherever you want me to be around three."

„I'll have to call you then, I have no idea where I'll be around that time or if I'll be able to make it at all."

„I'll be on standby for you. You must be tired, get some sleep for me, will you? I don't want to have to worry about you, sounds like you've had a very depletive night. And day."

„Okay. So, I'll let you know on Monday. Maybe, if things aren't too busy, I'll call you tomorrow or the day after. I can't promise though, with work and Noah and-," she groaned, closing her eyes. „Scratch Monday, Noah has an appointment at 3:30, I won't be able to do lunch unless Lucy takes him but if I can I'll take him. Shit."

„No worries. Tuesday then, if that's better," Tom offered, burying the disappointment before it could even crawl to the surface.

„Probably much better. Tuesday. I'll make it happen somehow. I promise," Olivia said softly, adamant.

„Only if you can, don't go out of your way for me. I'll be fine. Two weeks, right? After that things will slow down for you."

He was too good to her, she didn't know how she deserved it or could make up for it. „Two weeks," she agreed.

„Good. Try to plan an evening off for me. I want to take you out. Dinner, a walk, a movie, whatever you want."

„This is going to sound awful but do you think we could just watch the next Potter movie? I'm going to need a quiet night, no getting dolled up, no people. Just you, a greasy pepperoni pizza and a movie."

„If that's what you want, then we'll stay in." Tom would have loved to take her out on a proper date, but he could easily understand why that didn't sound appealing to Olivia when she was completely swamped with work. He could go all out and try to impress her some other time and give her the rest she would desperately need.

„Thank you," she told him in what sounded almost like a whisper. „I'll plan ahead with Lucy."

„Okay. So, you do me a favor and go to bed. Sleep. Recharge your batteries. And with some luck I'll see you on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it."

„Me too." The smile on her face made her realize that she was truly looking forward to seeing him, if only for thirty minutes and a quick bite. „Tom?"

„Mhm?"

„Thank you. For… for being so understanding." Olivia wasn't convinced it would always be like this. The men she had dated in the past that weren't working for the NYPD always reached the point where understanding would reach an end, when things got too complicated. She wanted to be prepared for that. Just because she had told him how hard getting together could be sometimes, the reality was always a different matter. It was not easy to handle, and she would have to expect Tom realizing that he couldn't do it, as much as the mere thought hurt her.

„It's gonna be worth it, I have a hunch. And now I'll let you go. Sleep well, okay?"

„Okay," she smiled into her phone. „You too, Tom. Good night."

„Night."

…

 **Olivia Benson 2:48 PM**

 _Can you meet me at 3:30? There's a diner across from the 16th precinct. Address is on my business card._

 **Tom Tetley 2:49 PM**

 _On my way._

…

When he spotted her in the diner, in one of the corner booths, Tom almost doubled over. Olivia looked like hell. Still beautiful but the stressful work days until now had obviously left their traces on her face. There was no denying the woman must be tired and stressed. Her gaze lifted and as her eyes caught his he saw a small smile forming on her lips as she tucked her hair behind her ears. Making his way over to her with quick strides, Tom instantly leaned in for a kiss as he reached her.

„Hey, how are you holding up there? You look spent." That was putting it mildly, but he had no intention to insult her and make her feel like crap on top of everything. He put the small plastic bag that held a paper container on the table and slid into the booth to sit down next to her, needing her proximity.

„I'm fine," she said, not trying to conceal that she was actually not. „How are you, it's good to see you."

„I'm good. Concerned for you. Do you sleep at all?"

„A couple of hours here and there," she chuckled humorlessly. „Noah had a really bad night, he couldn't really tell me why, though. And work is… work. I mean, it could be worse but I really hope that we'll have a more quiet afternoon than yesterday and all weekend, actually. I don't know what's going on, it's like there's something in air… as in… something awful. I'm glad you've made it, I can really do with some company. Your company."

„I hate to see you like this. Have you eaten? Are you hungry?"

„I've ordered already, I hope you don't mind," she told him, taking the time to look at him closely, allowing herself to drown in his presence for the moment.

„Of course not. Can I… can I do anything for you? Anything at all?"

„That's sweet but no. I'm sorry I didn't call at all. I wanted to, I've-„ He stopped her, putting his hand on top of hers.

„Hey no, don't. Don't apologize, you've got enough going on as it is. I understand and don't get me wrong I would have loved to hear from you, but I can be patient." His hand gently slid into her hair as he leaned in to kiss her temple but sensing her hesitation, Tom stopped mid-motion and carefully untangled his fingers from Olivia's hair. Maybe it was too much too soon, maybe she was too tired even for affection or, and this was the most likely scenario, she felt uncomfortable because they were in a public place, right across the street from her workplace. A coworker could easily see them, and Olivia did mention that she was a private person and wanted to keep this to herself for the time being, which was perfectly fine and understandable.

„Sorry," he said apologetically.

„No, I'm sorry. It's not you-„

„I know. No need to explain, I get it. Just wishing I could do something."

„You're here. That's something," Olivia smiled genuinely at him, grasping his hand below the table. „It's more than enough."

The waitress, her name tag read Sally, stopped at their table, putting a sandwich down in front of Olivia, and a black brew in a mug that Tom figured must the their coffee. As Sally inquired if she could bring him anything, he ordered ‚the same'. At least the sandwich looked passable.

„I can wait until you get yours."

„No way, you go ahead and eat." He could swear Olivia must have lost some weight, only adding to his worries. How much stress must one have to look thinner within four days, he wondered. „I actually brought you something, too. Something for you nerves."

„That?" She asked, glancing at the plastic bag. „What is it?"

„Huge piece of chocolate cake, something to up your energy levels and hopefully get those happy hormones going."

„You're so sweet, do you even realize that? I love chocolate cake. I actually love anything chocolate-y." If he'd keep doing these small, lovely things, she'd probably start crying one day because a) how did she even deserve this and b) how was she to keep up with all the gestures?

„I hoped you would. When things get too crazy, just have a bite or two. If it doesn't help, trust me, I'll sue them because they call it the ‚Tryptophan Bomb' which suggest it's going to make people deliriously happy."

This actually made her laugh, because she wouldn't even put it past him that he'd try and sue the company.

„You're putting me in an awful position here, you do know I will feel compelled to lie if it doesn't do what it's supposed to - according to you anyway -, right?"

„I could be convinced to spare them if you asked me to," Tom assured. „Anyway, chocolate cake, all yours."

„Thank you. You couldn't have brought anything better, except you, but I hope that goes without saying."

„You're welcome, Olivia. And now, for the love of God, please eat."

She snorted softly as she picked up her sandwich. „Do you somehow get off on feeding me?"

„I wish I didn't have to tell you, but I get the feeling you tend to miss out on meals when you're stressed and honestly? I don't like it."

„I'm not going to starve. I had a healthy breakfast this morning. I usually do. Lunch can be a little complicated but trust me, I eat." Obviously she did, she was nothing close to a size zero and she didn't want to be. Well, maybe sometimes, but realistically Olivia knew that those days were over. „Tell me about your day. Any good?"

„Yeah, it was a good one. Usually is, there's always something fun to engage the kids in."

„You make it sound so easy. I'm dealing with one kid and that's so hard sometimes, you're talking what? Fifteen and make sound like a breeze," she chuckled. „How's that possible."

„School's different. Different environment, different people. I'm not saying it's always easy, it's not. Doesn't mean it's bad, though."

„You put mothers to shame," she said, shaking her head before she took a bite.

„These sandwiches any good?"

„Hm…," she said, chewing, swallowing the bite before answering. „They're alright. Want a bite?" She offered, pushing the plate towards him. „Don't worry, I'll steal that bite back from you."

He smiled at her, chuckling softly. „You're starting to get to know me, huh?"

„It's not that hard when every second sentence from you is telling me to eat."

„Get used to it."

„Already did."

….


	21. Slow Dance

„You headin' out, Liv?" Fin Tutuola watched his Lieutenant pack her few things. They have had two exhausting weeks and quitting time was well deserved for the squad.

Olivia glanced up, a small smile on her face. „Yeah. And so should you. Friday night, your weekend off, enjoy it, Fin," she encouraged in a better mood than she had exhibited a couple of hours ago.

„What are you so upbeat about?" He asked, his words laced with a chuckle. „Got a date?"

„Something like that," Olivia confirmed. Actually, she wasn't even sure if Tom was going to be home but a couple of minutes ago she had decided to stop by at his place. The idea was not to call him first because if she did, he'd make time to see her even if he had other plans. She'd either be lucky or end up going home, which wouldn't be too bad, either.

„Good for you," Fin winked, making her snort as she swung her handbag across her shoulder.

„Night Fin," she only said as she turned off the light in her office and walked past him.

The stress of the past couple of weeks instantly fell off of Olivia as she stepped outside of the precinct, onto New York City's lively streets. It wasn't warm but the weather was still considerably nice for an evening in mid September. Olivia decided to walk, breathe in the fresh air, clear her head. She had met Tom three times for lunch in those past two weeks and truth was that the more she saw him, the more she had missed him when she knew he would not be around for several days. Despite the date she would have with him the next day the desire to see him tonight had been too strong to ignore. Bringing some food had crossed her mind but she didn't know if he had already eaten or if he would even be home; plus it would only steal some of their together time. She needed to be back home at eight, knowing Lucy had plans for tonight, so between the walk to Tom's and her way home later, that would give them an hour.

She grabbed a croissant on her way, too hungry to wait until she would get home and make something. Once Olivia reached his place she found the door to his building wide open, making her way up to the second story, hearing guitar playing from inside his apartment. Smiling to herself she allowed herself to listen for a few seconds before she knocked, the sweet music instantly stopping. Seconds later the door opened and if what Olivia saw wasn't pure surprise, then she didn't know what it was. Smiling she greeted him with a soft „Hi".

„You…"

„Yeah me. Bad surprise?" She asked, hoping it was not. Tom seemed to recover slowly, a smile of his own plastered across his face.

„Are you kidding?" He asked, taking a step forward, wrapping his arms around her in a loose but welcoming hug. He hadn't expected to see her until the next day and couldn't have been happier about finding her at his door. Inhaling he breathed her in, her hair, the shampoo she used, which he thought had lavender in it, her sweet perfume that had worn off during the day, because in the mornings the scent was much heavier and then something that was just her - just Olivia - filling his nostrils and lungs, stimulating his senses. Her body felt wonderful against his, a perfect fit.

Gently he laid his lips against her temple, letting them linger for only a second.

„Let's go inside." The words were almost a whisper, luring her into his apartment without thinking twice as he released her. The tension and exhaustion Tom had seen when they had last met was still there, visible in her face and posture, but she seemed happier - for a lack of a better word. „Do you want coffee? I can start the machine. Or tea?"

„Coffee would be great actually," Olivia said, slipping out of her jacket.

„Make yourself at home," Tom said in a sing-song voice, vanishing in the kitchen. Olivia quickly looked around. Not unexpectedly nothing around his place had changed since she had last been here. There was a magazine on the small coffee table featuring guitars. Even from where she stood she could read ‚Wood & Steel'. One of his guitars sat on the sofa, much like a person would. Walking over, Olivia sat down, listening to the sounds of Tom moving about that filtered from the kitchen.

„We're still on for tomorrow night, though, right?" He called out to her.

„Of course. I think I'll be here between seven and eight, Lucy's got an appointment and said that's when she should be back for Noah."

„Great." Olivia's sudden appearance had him a little worried that this might be a guilty visit accompanied by the news of a cancelation. Not that their Harry Potter movie date took him any preparation, but he wanted some time with just her. „For a second there I thought you dropped by to break bad news." She could hear a soft laugh from him, then the clanging of what Olivia figured were coffee mugs as the coffee machine gurgled.

„Nope, we're still on," she assured as Tom poured the coffee, returning with two steaming mugs a moment later. Tom put both coffees on the table and sat down next to her, taking the guitar to put it away. „I never heard you play," Olivia pointed out, as he leaned the instrument against the armrest of the sofa.

„True," Tom said matter-of-factly.

„Play something for me," she said softly, curiosity sparking within her.

„Now?" He chuckled. „I haven't seen you since Tuesday and you want me to play the guitar?"

„Yeah," she smiled, reaching for her coffee, taking a careful sip of the steaming beverage.

„Well, if that's what the lady wants, the lady shall receive." He picked up the guitar, shifted into a more comfortable position to play and embraced his guitar. „Wanna hear something specific?"

„Anything will do," she decided, unable to think of a song, watching Tom closely as he seemed to think for a moment before his fingers shifted in position so naturally and started to dance across the fretboard and over the strings of the instrument. It looked effortless. Easy. And it sounded like perfection.

„You can play…" She said it as if it was actually surprising her. While she figured that he could, she hadn't expected this, and although the piece that he picked sounded complicated it didn't feel like he was trying to show off.

„I own seven guitars, if I couldn't play that would be a little worrisome," he joked, finishing the piece, ready to put the instrument away.

„No no, don't stop, just…. keep going. This is nice."

„Really?"

„Really. It's relaxing."

„Alright then, that's a hard one to argue against," Tom said and started to play something else that had a tranquil quality to it. Olivia took a couple of more sips of coffee as she listened before she rested her head back and closed her eyes, allowing herself to get lost in the sweet tune that his hands produced on the guitar. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard something so deeply satisfying. It was almost enough to lure her to sleep, using up some willpower to fight dozing off on Tom's couch.

He played through three pieces, watching Olivia, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling with every breath she took. She looked peaceful and content asleep like that. Softly he let the last chords ring out before quietly putting the guitar down, trying not to make a sound, keeping his eye on, what he assumed was an asleep, Olivia who cracked one eye open as no music followed.

„You're awake," he said softly.

„Yeah. Just barely, though. That was nice. Did you ever want to become a musician?"

„I consider myself one. I mean, I don't play for audiences anymore but… I do still play and write."

„You write?"

„Yeah. I used to play in bands, that started when I was fifteen, in my friend's garage. Quit the band when I moved here."

„So, you were dreaming of making it big?" Olivia asked, smiling and kicking her shoes off, pulling her legs onto the couch.

„I guess some of my band mates did. I just-," he tried to think of the right words, bobbing his head left and right for a moment. „-I wanted to get enough recognition to live from it, but I never wanted fame. And we probably could have lived from it, at least for a little while but I never liked playing cover songs at weddings." He had hated playing hours and hours of copied material. Not that he didn't like covering some amazing songs, but Tom had always liked it better to perform his original work.

„You're an odditiy," she said in awe.

„Why's that?"

„Because I think that 98% of talented people in this world wouldn't say they don't want fame."

„I don't think fame makes people happy or balanced in life. That business is… worse than a shark tank, I suppose. And what are the odds of making it big? I wouldn't want to spend years trying to impress the right people in hope of _maybe_ being signed. And honestly, huge audiences terrify me. I like small, intimate crowds."

„Which leaves us with an important question: are you happy?" Olivia asked with a wide grin. She wasn't sure if she even wanted an answer, but if he thought fame wouldn't make him happy, then she wondered if he was happy with what he had.

„I'm… content. Happy with many things, unhappy with very few. I think I have a good life and not too much to complain about."

„How is the guitar course going? I heard so little about it in the past couple of weeks." It was one of the things she hadn't wasted a single thought on because it didn't seem overly important with as much work as she had.

„Great, considering. There are two kids who I don't think will keep playing for much longer, but the parents see the course as some sort of life lesson they have to teach their children. To finish what you started? Awful. An instrument should be a passion, not a life lesson. If they aren't practicing with at least some joy it's sloppy and only leads to frustration. But I'm not the one to argue with parents," he sighed. „Noah on the other hand, he is doing really great. He's super ambitious and plays the A, E and D chord nicely. I actually think he's going to stick with it, he seems to be enjoying it a lot."

„You're only saying this to make me proud, aren't you? Bias and all that?"

„Of course not, I'm serious. He _is_ doing exceptionally well. Trust me, when you ask about anything school related I will always tell you the truth and nothing but the truth. No place for bias," Tom assured her. „You can be very, very proud. He's eager to learn and pulls through like a rock star, no complaining, no whining when his fingers hurt or he can't reach. He'll simply try again."

„That doesn't sound like my son at all," Olivia laughed softly. „But hey, I'll take it." She scooted closer to Tom, resting her head against his shoulder. „I've missed you, you know?" Her voice was gentle and sincere. It surprised even her that she has had the desire to see him despite her stressful times at work.

„I've missed you, too. A lot. I'm glad that you came by tonight. Are you going to stay for a while?"

„Fifteen, twenty minutes," she told him, slipping her hand into his as she found it.

„Well, I think that is acceptable since you're going to be here tomorrow."

„And without a curfew, too," she said with emphasis, causing Tom to listen up.

No curfew. Was that just a simple statement or was there a hidden message? Did it mean… but no. Probably it didn't mean anything, he decided. But just in case it did, he should be prepared. Change the bedding. Check the drawer for condoms. Definitely shower before she came over.

„That sounds… good," he told her. Should he ask if she would like to stay the night or was that going to be too much too soon? Maybe she'd feel pressured for something she wasn't ready to engage in. And since when was this stuff so complicated? Simply hooking up with a woman had never stressed him out like this.

„I could bring some wine…"

„That sounds even better," he smiled, squeezing her hand. „Movie, pizza, wine. I could provide dessert," he said softly but cleared his throat. He did mean actual dessert, of course.

„Is that supposed to be an innuendo?" She turned her head enough to look at him, one eyebrow raised and Tom almost faltered under her gaze. He wasn't overly shy about these things but in a way Olivia had the power to intimidate him.

„Do you want it to be?" He felt comfortable with his counter question, the ball was in her court and it was laced with just a little boldness. It had immediate effect, because he could swear Olivia's breathing changed just the littlest bit, like he had caught her off guard and at the same time there seemed to be something in the air between them, something electrifying. It took her a few seconds to find her ground and answer.

„Maybe," she said with an easy shrug. The way she handled herself made Tom chuckle. She was something else. And just to rile him up, at least he thought that was the reason, she briefly bit down on her bottom lip, very effectively driving him crazy.

Although flirtatious through the layers of innocence and unconcern, he took Olivia's maybe at face value. Everything was still open, but it definitely was not a clear-cut no. Oh, the things that woman did to him without even trying. Shifting, he leaned in and kissed her, his mouth brushing against hers as she willingly parted her lips. Her breath tickled him. Everything about her was so inviting, starting with her mere presence to her sweet smell, to the way she felt against him. Tom's hand slipped behind her, to her back and all the way up to her neck, her hair ends tickling his skin as he brushed them. Tentatively he touched the tip of his tongue against her parted lips. There was not nearly enough space to easily invade her mouth without prying her full lips farther apart, so instead he traced the bottom one slowly. Deliberately. Teasing yet taking he let himself drown in her, as Olivia's arms locked around his neck loosely and the faintest sound came from her. It rippled right through him and settled deeply in his gut with gratification. He slowly broke away as her thumb rubbed up and down the back of his neck, smiling at her as her cheeks were flushed.

„I should go," she whispered, her voice a little deeper than usual.

„I hate when you say that." He really did. Always at the worst of times. Not that he blamed her for it.

„But I'll see you tomorrow. That's something, isn't it?" Her smile made it impossible for him to pout or even complain any further.

„That's quite somethin' yeah," he agreed with a laugh. „Need a lift home?"

„That's sweet but I'll walk." The air was nice and sometimes she enjoyed those minutes she had to herself.

„You're breaking my heart, Olivia Benson," he joked, kissing her quickly once more, just a peck on the corner of her lips.

"I'm deeply sorry," she apologized, tracing his upper lip with her thumb, as if wiping something away.

„Okay. Get home safe, yeah?"

„Always," she nodded, giving him a hug and kiss on the cheek before she got up, put her shoes back on and reached for her handbag. „I'll be over between seven and eight."

Tom stood up himself, walking her to the door. „I'll be here. Looking forward to it," he smiled.

„Me too," she flashed him a smile of her own. „Have a good night."

He embraced her once more, noticing how well she fit against his body. „You too. And thank you for stopping by."

„Well, that was a bit of an act of selfishness too, I don't want to take all the credit for it," she chuckled, untangling from him.

„Bye." The word was spoken softly but hung in the air between them heavily.

„Bye," Olivia said back, finally opening the door, closing it behind her as she stepped out of his apartment with a soft sigh, realizing she really would have loved to stay longer.


	22. Give A Little Part 1

Olivia was driving herself mad. The sexual innuendo, the one she wasn't even sure had been intended as one, but she had asked if that's what it was? She shouldn't have. Because now it kept her occupied, had ever since the previous evening. She was overthinking it way too much, she knew; and she couldn't remember when she had dwelled on the question to have or not have sex so much in her whole goddamned life. Even her first time at age sixteen had been a rather quick decision making process. Stupid as it was, Olivia was this close to making a pro and con list.

There was a lot to go down on the pro side. First of all, she hadn't had sex in a year. A year! She hasn't gone that long without in her entire life so far. And Carrie had hit the nail on the head four months ago, when Olivia had first wanted to refuse going out with Tom, saying she must be terribly underfucked. She was. At this point she'd give a leg for an orgasm, even a tiny one, just as long as it actually involved another person. Which also answered the question if she wanted to. Hell yes, she wanted to. She had known Tom for four months, had gone out with him, had gotten to know him. There was more than just a basic level of trust by now and Lord knew she's slept with men much sooner. Men she hadn't known nearly as much about. Men she found less attractive. While she usually didn't drop her pants on the first date, second or third was usually the one, and she was so past that with Tom.

 _But._

With him everything was different. Had been from the start. None of this whole dating experience with him could be compared to her past dating history or relationships, certainly not those of the past five, six years. There had been David, and while she hadn't planned on sleeping with him the night it actually happened, he had kind of charmed her pants right off of her. He was comfort, and he knew it, too, because during that time she was still trying to come to terms with Elliot's leaving. Not that she hadn't been interested in David Haden. There had been something about him that had made her heart flutter in an instant.

Then there was Brian, of course. And that had been easy, because although it had been more than a decade ago, they had been there before. It happened as soon as Cassidy had been discharged from the hospital. His Doctor probably would have frowned upon it but then again Olivia had done all the work. There was minimal risk involved for Brian and it had definitely spiked his healing process, at least that's what he had claimed with a mischievous grin afterwards.

After Brian there had been two one-night stands, something she wasn't proud of, but what was a woman to do? It was just enough to keep her sane.

And finally there had been Ed Tucker. A few drinks and conversation had led her to make a decision, namely if she could get over the past and partly get over herself. Eventually she had decided not to hold a grudge, and when he had extended a dinner invitation to her, she had agreed and allowed him to bed her that same night. Truth was, she had been a little drunk.

Obviously she wasn't known for taking her time and really getting to know a guy inside out first. But yes, things were different with Tom. Right from the get go everything had been so, so different.

For one she was nervous. Of course she wasn't a stranger to nerves when it came to first time sex in a new relationship. It was always exciting and accompanied by some insecurities, but she had never been overthinking it _this_ much. Olivia had always been open to simply letting things play out, see how it would go. This time? Not so much. She felt like she needed to make up her mind before showing up at his place.

Then there was still the fact that she hadn't yet talked to him about Lewis. And she wouldn't, at least not in detail. But the scars were too obvious to not notice, and she wondered if it was going to be fair if she didn't mention anything before he'd take off her clothes. Her biggest worry was that he could think they were self-inflicted, followed by him feeling turned off upon seeing them. Olivia questioned herself if she would want a basic explanation beforehand, but the truth was that she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. But that was _her_.

She remembered her conversation with Lindstrom, how he had said she didn't need to tell a potential new partner about them if she wasn't ready. Maybe that was the route to go. Not mention anything beforehand and wait it out, see if Tom was going to ask about them at all. If they would dim the lights, maybe he wouldn't even notice too much of it. But the fact that she was completely torn apart over it - the big to tell or not to tell - didn't change. And neither did the _to have or not to have sex._

...

An intimate sugaring later - and Jesus, it really hurt after she's not gone for a couple of years - Olivia felt as prepared as she could be. Her legs were cleanly shaven, she was showered. She had opted for a dress but after putting it on and off two times had ultimately decided on a pair of jeans and a light blouse. Being comfortable for a movie at his home had won over looking stunning. She put one of her favorite perfumes on, Eternity by Calvin Klein. By the time Lucy showed up, Olivia was good to go. Checking her appearance one last time, she stood in her bedroom, taking a deep breath. Then a thought hit her, and she lost some of the inner balance she had tried hard to contain. Condoms. Should she bring one? She had once seen a box in his medicine cabinet, but what if they had by now expired? She couldn't know if they had been in there for years or had been a recent purchase. Did she even have any? She stepped closer to her nightstand, opening the drawer. Rummaging through it she found plenty of crap and an empty condom wrapper, surely a relic of bygone times with Ed. She made a mental note to buy a new box at her next stop by the drugstore.

In the past she used to have protection on her but usually it hadn't been necessary. And if his mind worked anything close to Olivia's, Tom would definitely have made sure he had condoms around his place. She should relax and not interpret it as some kind of sign the universe was sending her.

Again, she inhaled deeply and closed her eyes to keep the emotions, mainly the insecurity and irrationality, from spinning. Tom wasn't a careless person. The thought was comforting.

Olivia's time to leave was approacing. She really would have to get her ass in gear if she wanted to make it to Tom's apartment until eight. The streets would be busy as always, she would be lucky to hail a cab around this time when it seemed that every single person in the city was going somewhere, be it a date or dinner, or whatever else normal people were up to after a long day. Finally ready to get on her way, Olivia left the bedroom, smiling at Lucy who mimicked her expression.

„Well, I'll be on my way then. I'll probably be… late tonight." Olivia wondered if she was an open book and had just given her plans for the night away. But what did it matter if her nanny knew she had a sex life? Lucy wasn't secretive about dates, either.

„Alright. Have fun. You look gorgeous, by the way," the other brunette complimented.

„Thank you, Lucy. I'll see you… later then."

„Yeah, later," Lucy smiled, watching Olivia take her keys and walk out the door.

...

„Five minutes late, I was getting worried," Tom chuckled as he opened the door, looking at Olivia who, as always, looked incredible. Dark jeans, a forest green blouse and he couldn't help but notice that her hair was slowly growing out again since she's cut it three months ago. Although her hair did look lovely this way, he had decided he had liked it best when it was longer, just the way he had gotten to know her.

„I know, I'm sorry, traffic was crazy and I've dawdled a little," Olivia admitted, stepping into the apartment, instantly welcomed by Tom with a hug and a soft kiss as he closed the door. His hands fell onto her back and something about them felt different. Maybe it was the way he touched her, as if there was a different motivation to it or his attitude had slightly changed. Olivia's eyes closed briefly as she kissed him back, lips attaching to his for just a couple of seconds.

Yes, this was definitely going to be the night. There was something in the air that was telling. Like the both of them have been stripped of any pretenses about what this was between them. While his kiss was gentle, a sweet hello to welcome her, it was also full of confidence and… want? Olivia opened her eyes as Tom slowly pulled back, smiling at her. She could tell that the beard has been trimmed, and although it had taken her some getting used to when she had first seen it on him, it was now really starting to grow on her. She also liked the way it felt against her face whenever he kissed her.

„You look absolutely gorgeous," Tom told her, leading her further into the room.

„Thank you," she said politely, suddenly realizing she didn't bring the wine. „Shit. I forgot the wine," she told him, sounding annoyed over it.

„No worries, I've got some," he assured. „I haven't ordered the pizza yet, I wasn't sure if you really wanted pepperoni."

„Pepperoni would be great." She shrugged out of her jacket and followed Tom to the kitchen as he retrieved a bottle of Merlot from one of the cabinets. Olivia got two wine glasses, feeling comfortable enough to get things from his kitchen by now. „Had a good day?" She asked him, watching as he uncorked the bottle.

„Lazy one. You?"

„Packed. Errands, Noah," she said with a soft sigh, adding in her thoughts ‚getting my hair ripped out where it hurts the most'. „A normal Saturday."

Tom listened, wondering if Noah's father was in the picture at all. Olivia had never mentioned him, he was sure of that. Neither had Noah, he now realized. „Does he stay with his Dad sometimes?" He asked, trying to figure out what the dynamics were and hoped he wasn't putting his foot in his mouth. There were a few possible scenarios. The guy might live somewhere out of state, or simply show no interest in his child. Maybe they had parted on bad terms. Or maybe Noah saw him sometimes but simply has never talked about it because he wasn't as much of a presence as his mother. He stepped closer to her, filling the wine glasses.

„There is no father," Olivia said truthfully, as it dawned on her that she had never talked to Tom about how she became a mother to her son. „He's adopted. I went through the whole process on my own, I wasn't with anybody at the time who could have taken an interest in being involved so… it's just us." Olivia had never tried to keep it a secret, it simply hadn't come up, and in the end it didn't matter that she was not Noah's biological parent.

In the middle of all things that Tom had imagined a possibility, this one came as a total surprise and he had never even considered it. In fact there were even moments when he thought he could see Olivia in Noah's face. Funny how wrong one could be simply by assuming. Looking at her he figured she could see that this was not something he had expected. „Wow. I had no idea. That's… That's great, actually. And shows just how much you must have wanted this to take this on all by yourself."

He was even more amazed with her now. Sarah and him had gotten their share of information about adoption and the process wasn't easy, leave alone the chance to be considered by the birth mother. What were the odds when it came to being chosen as a single, working woman? Maybe that was why she became a mother so late in life. It couldn't have been a fast or easy road.

„Yeah, well… actually he was a bit of a miracle that I had never seen coming before I took him home," Olivia admitted, talking about it fondly. None of it had been an ordinary experience. „I've always wanted a family, a child. About ten, eleven years ago, I was thirty-seven, I heard the biological clock ticking away and… I never met the right person to have children with. So at that point I applied for adoption with three different agencies. Two turned me down instantly because a single woman with my kind of job, no support system? They pretty much said that in their eyes I am not a suitable person to raise a child. From the other one I never even heard back." At the time Olivia had been devastated. It had felt like the only time and chance to be a mother in this lifetime and it had stung to hear two agencies agree that she was not the kind of mommy material they were looking for. Of course Olivia had known that her chances weren't nearly as great as those of couples applying but it hadn't been fair to be treated like she wasn't able to give a child what it needed. She wondered if she should share more, but at some point, if things were going to work out, he'd find out. Couples talked about things that influenced their lives after all, even if they involved former partners. „Five years later I was in a relationship with a former co-worker that I've met again through work after… thirteen years I think. We were involved for two years, living together… I had sort of given up on ever having children. Except I had a pregnancy scare, I guess. I mean, it wasn't that much of a scare for me, but it was for him because he didn't… he liked kids but not for himself, you know? Until I took the test I had envisioned this whole new life with him and a potential baby. I took the test that night when he got home and as it came back negative he was relieved, I was… acting like I was relieved but deep down I was shattered. I still wanted this. We broke up soon after that when I asked him if he'd want children with me, grow old together. He never used the word no but… we both knew that this was it." Olivia slowly picked up her glass and took a sip of wine as she was reminiscing. Her and Cassidy had ended, and maybe deep, deep down she had always known that it wasn't going to last forever, but still they had good times. „He felt best about our relationship when things had been easy, we each had our own places, we'd get together when we wanted to see each other. That was him. And I thought maybe it would change. So after that relationship had ended…," she continued, leaving back against the counter, shortly breaking eye-contact with Tom who was listening interestedly. „…I thought that it had been my last chance at motherhood. And then I found Noah, on the job, as we were working a case. It wasn't even about him but there he was, just a baby, a few months old. He went into the system, went through different foster homes, was always given back, physically abused as it turned out later. There was something about him, the circumstances how we have basically stumbled upon him? I went to every hearing concerning his case and the judge must have noticed. And one day at a hearing she suddenly said that I seemed to be the only person who was taking an interest in this child and if I wanted to foster him with the option of adoption. He's… my miracle. I went to foster mother ready to apply for adoption within a second. Literally."

„I… I honestly don't know what to say. That is a miracle," Tom said, almost stunned to complete silence.

„Yeah, that was my reaction," she laughed softly. „They were getting the paperwork ready and it were just a couple of hours and I sat there just waiting and I couldn't wrap my head around it but there had not been a second of doubt there for me. It was crazy. I attended a hearing midmorning the one day and took a baby home the next day. Mind you, I had nothing. I was completely unprepared and going crazy that they'd visit and do find me unfit to foster him. My co-workers helped me with the most important purchases, the gifts were unbelievable. Car seat, crib, bottles - God, I had no idea how many bottles I would need. It was like someone had left this child at my door. And it's been hard. There was so much going on, I had moments where I honestly thought they wouldn't let me adopt him. And his whole backstory - that's something I'm going to tell you about another time… it's just… sometimes I still can't believe how this has all worked out for me."

„He's lucky to have you, Olivia," Tom said softly. The way she talked about this experience, the look in her eyes that held her heart in them, it moved him. And for the very first time in his life he realized that blood probably didn't matter. Olivia clearly couldn't love Noah more if he were hers by biology.

„I'm lucky to have him. He is the best decision I've ever made. And I don't know if… I never was sure about God, you know? And then Noah happened and I'm probably not the firmest believer but, I think he was meant for me and came at the right time. I don't feel like it was pure luck or coincidence."

„If that's the way you feel, then there's something to it," Tom said, sliding one arm around her middle and kissed her temple. Her scent was intoxicating, but more than that he was intoxicated by the fact she had confided in him about the most important person in her life and the struggles she had to endure to get where she was today. With everything Olivia had told him, this conversation had held by far the most detail yet. He knew she grew up an only child and that it had been just Olivia and her mother. She had never told him why, though, no mention of her father at all. There was a half-brother who obviously hasn't grown up around her. From what he could remember Olivia hinted that her mother didn't have it easy, but she had never elaborated on the matter. It could have been any number of problems. But today she had let him in on a major part of who she was and it was probably the greatest progress they have made so far. To him it meant that Olivia was truly starting to trust him.

„Sounds odd, I know." She sounded apologetic, not wanting him to think she was an idiot.

„Not at all. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me," Tom assured. Her journey to motherhood was anything but ordinary after all. „Would you have decided the same way if you had still been with your ex?"

„Probably," she snorted. „I guess it would have come down to me asking him for a decision, to either go or stay and raise this child with me. He couldn't have been right for me if he had denied me that one and last chance at motherhood. And I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't want to be involved in Noah's life either. He's been through so much in his life already, someone who only wants me has no space in our lives," she shrugged, once more making that clear, all the while looking Tom square in the eyes to see if he was following.

„That's understood," he said softly, reaching for her hand. „I knew that from the very start, Olivia. I want you just the way you are, full package, child included. I've said it before and nothing about it has changed." While it was scary there was not a single doubt in Tom's mind. Surely it wouldn't always be easy but he was in a bit of an equal dilemma Olivia had been through. His only chance at fatherhood was either finding a woman who was willing to go through an adoption process with him, or someone who already had children and was allowing him to take on a fatherly role, which wasn't the same as fathering a kid or being listed in the legal documents, but he imagined it would be enough. It wasn't clear in what capacity Olivia would want a man to be involved in Noah's upbringing, obviously that was to be seen. He would discuss the matter in the near future, because it would be crucial for the both of them to see if their relationship could continue on.

For a moment Olivia didn't respond, she even tore her glance off of Tom, taking a moment to let the words sink in. He _had_ said it before, but a couple of months ago it had been all very hypothetical for her. This time around the conversation seemed more serious and _real_ , like it actually mattered for the future. She felt Tom's hand stretching across her back reassuringly and she allowed herself to lean a bit further into the soft touch, her body relaxing after a boost of nervous energy. It had been of high importance to her to set the scene once more. As soon as this relationship was going to get serious - who was she kidding, even _now_ \- Noah was part of the deal.

„Okay." The word was merely a breath, the sound so small that Tom could have easily missed it. His fingertips gently rubbed across her back, the material of her thin blouse allowing his skin to move effortlessly.

„How about you take the wine and I'm going to order the pizza? Sound good?"

„Very," she smiled as Tom effectively distracted her mind from the discussion and let her focus on something as mundane as food and drinks. Or the movie they were going to watch. Picking up both glasses, Olivia headed to the living room and got comfortable, hearing Tom place the order over the phone. Taking another small sip of Merlot, Olivia had to admit she was a little proud of herself for sharing something monumental. She could have easily let her explanation end after sharing the fact that Noah was adopted, instead she had spoken verbosely, going all the way back to when she had first taken action in terms of trying to become a mother. The only other person she had entrusted with that information had been Elliot and her shrink, so to Olivia this one was big.

 _Huge._

Confiding in people, especially about the struggles she's been through in her life, was not something that came natural to Olivia. Even Carrie was unaware of most of the hardships she had faced growing up or dealt with during adulthood. While the blonde was Olivia's best friend - she no longer counted Elliot at this point -, she was unaware of Olivia being a product of rape, or the fact her mother had been an alcoholic. The one she had deemed to shocking to share with someone who wasn't working in the same field and the other… well, it had been plain embarrassing. What happened with Lowell Harris in the basement at Sealview had never even been mentioned because up until Olivia had fat PTSD she tried her best at being in denial about it. And then there there had been Lewis. She had admitted to Carrie about the kidnapping but had summed it all up by saying the guy had roughened Olivia up a bit. It was the biggest understatement of the universe. An actual _lie._ But despite giving her (partially false) statement to Fin, Cragen and answering to IAB about it, Lindstrom had been the only person she had ever discussed it with, and it was very likely going to stay that way. Olivia had outright refused to talk to Brian about it and in retrospect that circumstance hadn't exactly been healthy for their relationship. He had clearly wanted to know, but Olivia had rather bottled it all up inside between therapy sessions. Thinking back that had been when it all started to fall apart. Their decision to move in together hadn't been the result of their deep connection and love. Olivia has had no place to go. Her apartment had been a crime scene at first, and Lewis had left the place upside down. The place had reeked of hard liquor, burnt flesh and despair, there had been blood in her carpets, and destroyed furniture. Most of all there had been memories that could only been described as terrifying. The place would forever be haunted. Moving in together had seemed like the next logical step, although prompted by the situation. Neither Olivia nor Brian would have suggested shacking up anytime soon if it hadn't been for William Lewis crossing Olivia's path and taking a sick liking to her.

Talking about her desire to become a mother and sharing about Noah's adoption had been a huge step for Olivia. She was opening up, and wanted to keep trying. For herself. And for Tom.

...

To be continued


	23. Covering all Bases

„That must be fun," Tom chuckled, watching how Harry Potter and his friends tried to save Sirious Black from the Dementor's kiss. „Did you ever have a real adrenaline rush?"

Olivia turned her head, raising one eyebrow. She chuckled softly but her answer was spoken in a dry tone. „Only every time I chased after a perp or had a gun held to my face."

Tom's smile faltered, as he tried to figure out if she was joking, but within a second he realized that her face and eyes held the answer. Olivia was dead serious.

„Oh. Sorry, I didn't…" Saying something so utterly stupid felt quite horrible.

„You couldn't have known," Olivia said quickly, shrugging her shoulders.

„I once heard that it's rare for police officers to have to fire their gun, so I figured…"

„Statistically that's correct," Olivia nodded. „About one out of one hundred cops are forced to fire their gun in the line of duty in their entire career. I'm probably something like a black sheep when it comes to that."

„So, you've been threatened a lot on the job?" Tom asked, not entirely sure if he would get an answer.

Olivia remained quiet for a while, reaching out for her glass to take a sip of wine. On the job. That kind of excluded Lewis, so she was able to make a cut emotionally. „Well, more often than usual, I'd say. I had guns pointed at me, I was cut with a knife right here," she said, showing him her throat. „Scar is no longer visible, luckily it wasn't a deep wound. There was a hostage situation not too long ago, so that wasn't pretty."

„I wish I hadn't asked," Tom said with clouded eyes. Part of him was waiting for her to admit she was joking but knew she was very serious.

„Then again I was once high on magic mushrooms. That was fun," she chuckled. „Well, from what I was told at least. I passed out in the interrogation room. But rumor has it that I was talking about my Captain being stabbed with a pickle."

„You did mushrooms?" Tom laughed in disbelief. „And went to work high?"

„No, I didn't _do_ mushrooms. I happened to inhale the fumes. I had no idea something to that effect was even a possibility. I mean, it wasn't funny then but looking back? It's a pretty good story to tell." It has created many laughs in the past, never failed.

„So, you remember any of that trip?" Tom asked curiously.

„Nothing at all. I remember taking the guy into interrogation and then waking up at the hospital with a massive headache that lasted for a couple of days." She reached for the unfinished slice of pizza on her plate, taking a bite. „And I was hungry…"

„As you are now?" The words were a tease as Tom's hand landed on her thigh, rubbing it gently.

„Not too much. Just wanna finish this. Also you are distracting me from the movie."

„It's pretty much over anyway," he laughed.

„Is it? They are getting better, aren't they?"

„Definitely getting scarier and more complex," he explained as the credits started rolling. „See, over. Told ya."

„Great, you made me miss the last two minutes of it," she laughed, putting down her plate before she took a sip of wine. She sighed softly. „Thank you for this. This was just what I needed to… recharge. Quiet evening, greasy food, good wine."

„You're welcome. As long as you enjoyed it all is good," he assured, smiling at her. He lifted his hand and gently tucked away a strand of her hair. Looking at her, he tried to take everything in. The way her hair fell around her face, her dark eyes that were sparkling with contentment and just a little bit of insecurity, her full lips that were now mostly void of the lipstick she had applied earlier and the cute way her nose crinkled when she smiled.

„Let me just-," she said quietly, leaning towards the table to put down her glass, careful not to spill the contents. Her eyes found his again. The room was dimly illuminated by a small shade lamp and the flickering credits that rolled on the TV.

„Maybe we should turn that off," Olivia suggested, her voice breathy with a mix of anticipation and uncertainness. She didn't want to just sit here with him any longer. She did not want to watch another movie. She didn't want to talk much longer, either. She wanted to kiss him. And although she was very clear on it, she was still nervous because this time it would be of a different quality and come with a different intention. It had Olivia's senses on high alert and every hair on her body standing up. She watched Tom smile as he complied and reached for the remote controls to turn the television and the DVD player off. Silence engulfed them as the soft hum of the DVD player died down. Here they were. Just them, with little more to say but so much to do and discover.

„Do you want some more-„

„No," Olivia cut him off, biting her bottom lip. „I don't want… I just…"

He chuckled softly, trying to overplay his own insecurities, once again reaching up to her face, cupping her warm cheek. „Okay," he whispered. Tom didn't need to hear more, nor did he want to waste any more time asking if she needed anything or if she was sure. He remembered all too well how he had first kissed her in the pouring rain, and that it had not been nearly enough then. How he had wanted more of her mouth, her lips. How he had wanted all of her and not hold anything back in the name of being considerate. Tom's eyes dropped to Olivia's mouth, watching how her teeth released her bottom lip. The sight hit him right in his groin, sending a wave of arousal to his core. He couldn't have stopped himself from bringing his mouth to hers if he had tried. He tasted pizza and wine on her lips and all of her enveloped him in an instant. Her sweet perfume, the mild scent of lavender from her hair, her taste, her warm hand that was now attached to his side, especially that little sound she made as his lips went from brushing hers testily to kissing her with a hunger that's been growing for months now. Feeling her nudge her lips against his own again and again made him drown in her, and finally he pushed his tongue into the warm and wet cave of her mouth. Tom's bodily reaction was instant and gut-wrenching. He mustered every bit of restraint he had left to not go and tear off her blouse and pants that very second.

His fingers sunk into her hair as Olivia nipped at him once and he captured her mouth again to taste her fully, positively losing his mind to her little by little. Swallowing every breath of air Olivia released, Tom's fingers fisted her silky hair gently, simultaneously holding her in place. He could not get enough of her. At all. Every little sound that fell from her lips as he claimed them sliced through him with force, almost making him wince. She was going to be the death of him. It felt like she was built for him, like her mouth was made specifically for him to kiss. Like her body was his only to touch and he hadn't even touched her in any of the ways he wanted to. Ways he _truly_ wanted to. Those ways didn't include clothes that were only unwanted barriers. Tom wanted to feel her skin, soft and heated, coated by sweat and just a little bit saliva on all the spots he's kissed her. He wanted her raw and naked in front of him and beneath him. The path to follow for now was pretty damned clear to him.

…

Olivia couldn't tell if it's been five minutes or ten. It might have been thirty. Their kissing had turned into heavy making out within… she couldn't tell within what timeframe, all she knew was that they were sprawled out on Tom's sofa, her beneath him, and that she really, really needed some air or else she was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen. Her lips felt swollen and raw as she managed to break away, panting heavily as Tom's lips dragged down over her chin and to her throat, causing her to chuckle breathlessly.

„What?" He managed, through the noises of wet lips on skin, not bothering to take his mouth off of her.

„I haven't… done this since I was twenty-something," Olivia admitted, closing her eyes. Her head was spinning and her skin felt like it was on fire.

„Done what exactly?" The words were vibrating against his lips as she spoke them and Tom shifted just enough to be able to touch her side, sliding his hand up, grazing the side of her full breast tentatively.

„Make out like this." That caught his attention and his lip stilled against her throat before he lifted his head, looking at her in amusement. Her lips were swollen and the area around it reddened from the sweet assault of his mouth on her.

„Seriously?"

„Yeah. I mean… not that I haven't ever made out in the past but… you know… nothing like this."

„Shame, Olivia. It's good. It's healthy," Tom said with conviction, kissing her lips much softer this time. „And you… are breathtaking… and beautiful… and…"

„Ouch… can you move just a little… my hand's…" Tom shifted instantly, realizing her hand had been caught between the sofa and his hipbone.

„That's better, thank you." In the new position she could feel his erection against her thigh clearly and arousal surged through her as she smiled up at him and caught his lips again. One leg wrapped around his thigh as she quietly moaned from the friction the movement caused right between her legs.

„God, you sound…" There were no words for it, and if there were they failed him. He slid his tongue into her mouth once again, performing a slow dance with hers as he shifted once more, palming her full breasts. Through the material of her blouse and her bra he could feel her nipple against his skin and he wanted to wish the barriers of clothing away as he gently rolled his thumb over the erect bud, then carefully squeezed her breast. Hearing her whimper against his mouth, Tom rested his forehead against Olivia's. He wanted to finally touch her. Really touch her and feel her. Wanted to coax those sweet sounds from her that were so different from the voice she talked in.

Olivia's heart was beating faster with arousal and anticipation. And truthfully, there was a great deal of nervousness, too but most of it was pushed aside with every kiss and every touch of his hand. She felt his fingers snake down a path over her belly, to her hip where he caressed her thigh and kissed her deeply again until he shifted and lifted his body off of hers just enough to be able to push up the thin material of her blouse. She felt her fingers on his skin, her heart now racing and her muscles twitching with a mix of want and inner tension. Suddenly she was no longer sure. She wanted to, that she knew. God, she wanted to, but it only took so little action from him for her to realize that she wasn't sure if not saying anything about her scars was the way to go. Her blouse was still bunched in his hand and lifted little by little and little by little Olivia started to feel panic replace the want for him to undress her.

„Wait-," she said closing her eyes, and she was almost surprise to realize he stopped in an instant. Opening her eyes she saw him looking at her, an expression of confusion on his face as he started to apologize.

„I'm sorry. I…I thought…" He wondered if he head misread the signals or if he was moving too fast all of a sudden. Releasing her blouse, Tom sat up a little to give her space in case she needed it.

„No, don't…. you… you weren't wrong. I just… There's something I realized I need to tell you before we… and I didn't think I would or didn't know if I should-„ She stammered, feeling utterly unprepared for this chain of conversation. On her way over she had decided not to say anything and talk about her burn marks if he should ask. Only to realize now that she wasn't on board with that plan. She couldn't not say anything beforehand. She wasn't ready for questions that he had or might not feel comfortable to ask.

„Okay," he said, clearing his throat. „You're not a virgin are you?" He asked, trying to lighten to mood with what was obviously a joke that Olivia responded to with a short laugh.

„No, it's nothing like that." She took a moment to gather her thoughts and sat up, looking at anything but him until she started to talk. „Okay. Um… a few years ago something happened to me. Something quite… erm… horrific. Which isn't a big deal anymore… well, at least not in any way that you should be concerned about. I got into a situation and… in that situation I got hurt and I walked away with scars on my body."

„Okay- so… you had… surgery or… I mean, it's… Olivia, scars are not a big deal to me," he explained, trying to think of a way that would explain why it was so important to her to tell him before. But maybe it was major and she felt insecure about it.

„I didn't have surgery. Um… They are reading from here" Olivia pointed at her cleavage. „To here-„ Placing her hand on her thigh she took a deep breath and lifted her blouse enough to uncover two cigarette burns and one burn mark. Watching Tom she saw his face screw up, probably trying to make sense of it.

„Burn marks," she clarified. „Cigarettes." She pointed at one of the smaller scars, one that has healed quite nicely in comparison to some of the others. „Metal burn," she pointed at the one a little farther on the left.

„What—, I…" The scenario Tom was piecing together in his head was horrible and while part of him wanted to know what the hell had happened to her, a part of him didn't.

„I wasn't sure if I should say something but I realized just now that I couldn't not say anything. Maybe because I was scared that there might be a reaction or questions or…. simply assumptions that they could be self-inflicted or… I just… I think I just want to go into this and not worry."

„How…" He was cut off before he could ask the question.

„I'm not ready to talk about it. Not yet."

„Okay," he murmured, although he didn't think it was okay at all, but there was nothing he could do and he didn't want to make her talk about things when she wasn't ready, especially when it seemed they must have been traumatic.

Looking at Tom, Olivia reached for his hand, trying to figure out how he felt about all this. „I'm sorry if this is freaking you out, that's not what I wanted. It's… you are the first person that I am with who hasn't known about them before we…"

„It's not. I mean, it is but it's not that you have scars that are freaking me out."

„It's how they got there?"

„Yeah. I mean, it's probably obvious how they got there but… I can't really wrap my head around it. And maybe I don't want to, it's…"

„I'm sorry. It's… It's a long story. Well, actually it's not and maybe I'll tell you when the time feels right. When I feel ready. I never had to explain them to anyone before. And maybe I should have but… Anyway. This is a first," Olivia smiled sadly, taking a deep breath now that the word was out. „Way to kill the mood, isn't it?"

„We can… recreate the mood. If you want to." Olivia seemed to think about it for a moment.

„Maybe we'll just stick to first base tonight. If that's okay?"

„That's more than okay. I like first base," Tom assured and smiled.

„Maybe a little bit of second, too," Olivia said softly.

„Olivia, I don't need a home run tonight. I don't need a home run anytime soon if you need time. We've got enough time to cover all the bases first."

„I'm not usually that… slow with things."

„I don't care how fast or slow you usually are. We'll get there. And if this is in some way a first for you because of whatever happened to you? Then that's our first. We'll get there."

„I guess there's a tiny part of me that's worried that you might lose interest if things are going too slow. And don't get me wrong, I do want to. It's just…"

„It's understandable if you don't feel like right now is the time. It's perfectly fine," Tom told her, kissing her.

„You've been pretty damn patient all this time."

„Two weeks, Olivia. It's been two weeks. Everything before… don't count that. You weren't sure about anything at the time. And in those two weeks it's been lunch and a bit of hanging out last night. The way I see it, we're not going too slow at all. And trust me, I'm definitely not losing interest. If anything I'm getting much more interested and I have a feeling that when we get there? It'll be awesome," he grinned. „Okay?"

„Okay," she smiled back.

„Okay. So now let's go back to base- what was it? One…two?"

„Second… definitely second," she grinned against his lips.

…


	24. Give A Little More

**And here we go. I am so sorry that updates are taking me so long lately but I've got a full time job and a family (including a little sweet boy that needs plenty of mommy time), so writing has to fit in somehow. Luckily I've got a few days now. I've really missed these two, too. This story will NOT be abandoned, even it it can take me a couple of months to update sometimes. So, I hope you guys will stick with me - and them.**

„You have more chest hair than I would have thought," Olivia mumbled, abesentmindedly circling her fingertips on his torso as they lay together on his sofa, entwined and like a crumpled up piece of paper. He was still wearing his shirt, but most of the buttons had been undone in the course of the past half hour.

„Because deep down you still assumed I'm twelve?" He referenced their first date, placing a single kiss on her temple, because it was the only place his lips could easily reach in this position.

„No," she laughed softly. „I don't why, it's just what I thought."

„So you thought about what I look like naked, in all my glory?" He teased, taking her in and watching her blush.

„That's not…"

„You can't talk your way out of this one, Olivia," he kept teasing, not yet ready to let her off the hook. The way the redness crept onto her cheeks was too adorable to let it go. One of Tom's arms was firmly draped across her stomach for one to hold her, and then he wanted to prevent her from rolling off the couch that was almost too narrow for two. He was well aware that she probably would not fall down, but had decided to hold onto her anyway. Just in case. They had made out for another twenty or so minutes until it was him who couldn't take it anymore and requested a break. There was only so far a man could be driven and he swore that if they had kept going for another minute, he would have exploded and come in his pants, an impression he did not want Olivia to go home with later.

„I have not thought about what you look like naked I simply… I don't know, assumed something completely mundane." She inhaled deeply, loving how the scent of his soap or deodorant lulled her in. She was perfectly comfortable like this with her head nestled in a spot between his chest and his neck. As comfortable as she hadn't been in a very long time. She had truly missed this, to just be with someone, enjoy their proximity. To simply have a body to rest against, warm and responsive to her touch.

„Will you let me take you out next time?" He enquired, his thumb gently rubbing up against her ribcage, just below her breast, grazing the bottom of it every few seconds.

„To dinner?" She inquired.

„Probably dinner, yeah," he agreed, although there was something else on his mind. But he wasn't sure if those plans could be carried out, seeing how it was never really sure when she would be able to make time for him.

„I'd love that," she smiled, closing her eyes briefly. „Maybe next weekend, I could see about Friday or Saturday."

„Think your sitter'll be free?"

„She usually is and she appreciates the extra money. She's lovely, I wouldn't know what to do without her. People like her usually work for wealthier families, at least with as much flexibility as my job demands."

„Is she doing this full time?"

„No, she's studied microbiology and has her degree but undertakes further studies to specialize in a certain area, I think. It sounds awfully complicated. So when Noah gets sick and I can't stay home she usually skips lectures and has a fellow student take notes for her. If she has to stay late she usually studies at my place. She squeezes in her own social life somehow. I guess it helps that she's single," Olivia chuckles. „God, that sounds awful, right? I'm glad she doesn't have someone who will get in the way of her being there for Noah. That's a thing about me, I can be a bit selfish sometimes."

„I think everybody can be selfish sometimes. It's not a bad thing. And if it makes your life easier, then I don't see what's wrong about you being relieved that she doesn't have a boyfriend."

„Girlfriend actually. But same difference. At least I think she's gay, I've only ever heard of her dating women, I didn't ask. By the way, she kind of knows there's something going on between you and I."

„How so? You told her?" That would surprise him, after all Olivia was all for taking it slow and careful about public displays of affection when they had lunch near her work place.

„No, actually you did. Remember the hoodie you gave me?" She remembered now that she still had it at her place, tucked away neatly in her closet. And for some reason she didn't want to give it back, although she was not wearing it. „Team Tetley printed on the back in very bold letters?"

„Oh. Right," he said, laughing softly. „Sorry, I wasn't even thinking that someone could see that or would pay attention to it." He really hadn't, he simply had grabbed the first item of clothing that he thought would fit her somewhat and in his opinion a hoodie didn't look as funny as a regular men's sweatshirt.

„Yeah well, it was a dead giveaway and what's worse, I was caught in a lie. So that was quite awful, I felt terrible."

„For lying or being caught?" He teased, his breath tickling her ear in waves.

„Both, but probably more for being caught," she admitted, shifting enough to capture his lips for one single, featherlight kiss. She enjoyed the easiness between them after the rather heavy subject earlier that luckily didn't break the mood completely. Instead there had been slow sweetness, trembling hands that discovered, lips that tasted and found a perfect rhythm and towards the end even heat, bodies molding together despite the layers of clothes, hips moving, teasing, grinding. It was almost frustrating to want him so much and needing a little time to digest that she let him in on the marks on her body. Part of her felt sorry for getting Tom so riled up only to take the option of sex away for the night and she was sure that deep down it was quite frustrating for him, too. His acceptance obviously came from the mind, his body however was a different matter and had an opinion of its own.

„Tell me something about you I don't yet know," he whispered as she cuddled up against him again. He had a feeling there were things she kept to herself. While he had told her a lot about his family and childhood Tom basically knew nothing except her being an only child that was raised by her mother alone. He didn't want to ask any specific questions to not make her uncomfortable but obviously he wanted to find out who she is and how she has become the woman she is today.

„I'm not sure what you don't know yet. I… like to read?"

„I already knew that, someone who doesn't like to read wouldn't put up with Márquez," he said softly, nuzzling her ear. „Tell me something… about your childhood. How did you grow up?" He felt Olivia draw a breath that she held in for longer than what was normal until she released it with a little sigh.

„That's… complicated," she said, unsure what she could tell him. Of course not everything had been bad, but her mother had been battling addiction for as long as Olivia could remember. In a way that relationship had always been somewhat abusive. Emotionally mostly, physically… enough times. She had never liked to talk about that part of her past. She had with Elliot, and once she had shared the most traumatic event involving her mother with Casey, but that was only because she had been triggered by a case.

„I can deal with complicated. I get not wanting to talk about… stuff," he said gently, rubbing her arm affectionately. „It just feels like there are so many things you don#t want to tell me. So much I don't know about you when I'd love to know everything there is to know when it comes to you and your life."

That Olivia understood. She always soaked up Tom's stories like a sponge, imagining how different her life could have been under different circumstances. She loved all those little details that made him who he was. The thing was - everything that turned Olivia into the person she was, was tainted, complicated and partly downright sickening. She exhaled shakily once more and her hand still against his chest, feeling the even pounding of his heart beneath her palm. „My mother was an alcoholic for… all of my life, I think. I don't remember her drinking but there were certain behaviors that I grew up with… eventually put one and one together. I think I made the connection when I was seven or eight. She never found the strength to quit. Maybe she didn't want to. She died seventeen years ago when she fell down a flight of stairs. Drunk." The fact that not even Olivia herself was enough to make her mother stop drinking, _want_ to stop drinking was still bitter. Olivia wasn't lacking empathy. She understood what had driven her mother to drink, she understood those demons and how addiction worked. There was no cure. But it was possible to fight it. Sobriety was not just a concept, it actually worked. She had always been caught between understanding and anger, even contempt towards her mother for never even trying.

Tom listened, waiting for a moment as she stopped speaking to give her the time to add something if she wanted. The words _I'm sorry_ sat on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them. Those words have never helped anyone and they were said too much. He himself hated to hear them if spoken in the name of empathy. What good would it do that he felt sorry for her growing up with a drunk mother? It wasn't going to change her history, it wasn't going to make anything better for Olivia.

„That must have been hard." He could hardly imagine what it must have been like for her to grow up in such an environment. He himself had the perfect upbringing in a smallish town on Long Island with loving parents and siblings in the big house with the white picket fence. There were no worries other than not being allowed to watch TV past eight in evening or being grounded if he had misbehaved. „Where was your father?"

He could feel Olivia tense at the question and a small part of him regretted asking while the bigger part of him wanted to know. For a long while he was met with silence, already letting it go.

„That's…" Olivia paused again, trying to think of how to word it exactly. The word _father_ didn't fit the description of the man she has never met. Begetter would be a better term in this particular case. „You could say he was the trigger that caused her drinking. I don't know if you wanna hear this." Truth was, Olivia didn't know if she wanted to tell him. She knew she would sooner or later if this relationship continued. There was no way for it not to come up, she just hadn't expected she would have to clear things up so soon. Olivia knew she could simply tell him she didn't want to open that can of worms, but now that they were already talking about her mother, they might as well cover the subject of her _‚father'_.

„Was he… abusive?" The question came tentatively. Olivia was obviously uncomfortable and he didn't want to be too pushy.

Olivia chuckled humorlessly as she felt her stomach tie up in knots. „You could say that. Erm… my mother… she was raped. And I am the product of that _incident._ So, he wasn't a father. He was… a faceless… person." Usually she would describe him as scum, a monster. And while he was both, he was also the reason that Olivia lived. It was hard to hate him. To despise him. Maybe that proved that she was at lest a little screwed up. If he were still alive, she would even want to meet him, maybe even get to know him - that's how much she craved to have roots, ties. „Thus Special Victims," Olivia said airily, trying to make it sound lighter.

He understood now. On their first date, when Tom had asked her why she chose this kind of job, she had told him that at some point it had been crystal clear. She had wanted to become a veterinarian until another choice had been made. He figured it was the day Olivia had found out about how she was conceived. He almost couldn't believe how she has turned out such a strong and determined person. He has worked with kids that came from very unstable homes, even teenagers, and they always had major issues of their own, be it drugs or alcohol, a high potential for violence and delinquency. People like Olivia seemed to be the exception, the few that managed to rise above all the shit they have endured and turned their life around and made something positive from it. Unsure what to say, he simply kept his mouth shut, tenderly playing with her hair and allowing for the revelations of the night to sink in. He definitely had a hell of a lot more respect for her and what she was doing than he had before - and even then it had been massive. She was confronting herself with her own conception and her mother's rape every day and used it to help others. Many other people ran from these things, tried to live their life in denial. Olivia however faced them bravely and had turned what could have been a weakness into strength.

„Thank you for telling me," he said softly. He couldn't express how much it meant to him for her to share something so dark yet essential of her life and upbringing. He wouldn't need to know more, he'd never ask a single question about it again if she didn't talk about it on her own. He knew all he needed to know. He knew enough now.

„It would've come up at some point." She made it sound like opening up about this part of her past wasn't a big deal, but it was. To her it always had been. She realized she had never told anybody she had dated so soon, but then again she had never let herself trust someone when it was still so fresh. And maybe, just maybe, she owed Tom some honesty after these months since they had first gone out together. „You've got something equally disturbing to share?" She asked, this time laughing softly and it sounded genuine. She didn't want that heavy atmosphere hanging between them, sticking to them like tar. She wanted the light banter back, the teasing, the easiness and sweetness.

„I couldn't if I tried," Tom said honestly.

„How about some more wine?"

„Sounds good to me," Tom smiled.

„I'll be right back and you'll open another bottle," she said softly, placing a kiss on his lips before getting up to go to the bathroom. Tom watched her walk across the room, sighing softly as the door closed behind Olivia. He hadn't expected to find out so many things about her at once. So many harsh things on top of it. He was amazed that she was still willing to let this evening progress in the best way possible and wondered if she was only putting on a brave face. However, he wasn't ready to ask if that was the case and let her handle this however she saw fit. Tom only hoped that she knew he was going to be there in whatever capacity she needed him.

…

As the door clicked close, Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Stepping towards the sink she looked at her reflection in the mirror, her hands gripping the vanity basin tightly. She was okay, she kept telling herself. She was okay. Breathing calmly she realized her hands were shaking now, although she had managed to keep it together quite nicely in the living room. Olivia couldn't even point her finger at why she suddenly needed a moment to herself, why there was something bubbling in her stomach that made her head spin and her skin prickle. It might have been too much information too soon. She had felt hesitant about saying anything at all about her mother's alcoholism or her conception but how would it have been fair to Tom if she had blown him off? There was only so much bullshit even a saint like him could take and Olivia didn't want to push her luck after making it so complicated in the past few months. „You're okay," she mumbled to herself, nodding at the woman who was staring back at her. She turned the water on cold and put her hands under the cool stream for a moment, an easy tool Lindstroem had once suggested to her when panic took a hold of her during Lewis' trial. Surprisingly it helped and made Olivia feel much calmer within twenty seconds. Blowing out a breath she turned off the water and dried her hands. „Okay," she said again, ready to walk back out and put on a smile.

…


	25. Interruption

„Is there something you've always wanted but never got? Material or a specific experience?" The second bottle of wine has been opened and Olivia was taking the first sip of her glass as she thought about Tom's question. A child had been something she had always wanted, only that dream had come true. „Well, I've wanted to go to Paris since I was eighteen, to see the architecture, the Eiffel Tower and just… experience the City, that energy that everyone's always talking about. But I've done that a year and a half ago, so I can't really say there's anything I wanted badly that I've never got or got to do." She still kept thinking for a moment. „Maybe one of these Cabbage Patch dolls, was that even what they were called? I really wanted one when I was still a kid, I remember begging my Mom to buy me one but she wouldn't, and then I wrote a letter to Santa asking for nothing but that doll but… I suppose he never read that letter," she joked. „I was quite heartbroken over that doll."

„That's sad. What did you get instead?"

„Phew… I don't know. An easy bake oven I think. I didn't even want it although it was popular. Makes sense that I still can't bake to save my life," she laughed.

„See, traumatic experience for sure. You could be a pastry chef if it hadn't been for that unwanted Christmas present," Tom said with conviction, making Olivia snort.

„What about you? Any dreams you couldn't make come true yet?"

„Let's see… when I was Germany I sat in on a day of Kindergarden, which is different over there. They don't usually have pre-school in Germany, so the kids go to Kindergarden until they are five, six years old and they don't learn the things they do here, at least not so early, they start being taught in school. And they are perfectly happy and free children. That kindergarten was amazing, it was right at a beach with open rooms that offered different activities. They basically let the kids discover everything by themselves, let them teach themselves and clarified things for them when there were questions. I loved it, everyone was so welcoming and just… happy. And there's no such thing here in the US, no concept like that except maybe Montessori or Waldorf but that's not really up my ally. I wouldn't be teaching in any way I do here but I think a job like that would be a dream come true. Except I wouldn't want to live in Germany I suppose."

„Didn't like it there?"

„Oh, I did. I mean, it's different for sure but it would be too far from home. And the language seems so complicated. I basically only remember how to say my name and a few swear words like Arschloch or Mistkerl." He said those words with a heavy American accent. „The food's good, though. But terrible pizza."

„Where else have you been? I remember you mentioned Ireland," she asked curiously.

„We traveled Europe for three months. I was in between jobs and Becca had just gotten her degree. We started in Portugal, then Spain I believe, France, although we weren't in Paris, we visited the Isle of Oléron and Strasbourg, then Austria and Switzerland for a few days each. Then we were in Germany for two weeks spent a day in Munich then flew to Berlin where we stayed for four days and then spend the rest of our time there somewhere close to the Baltic Sea, I don't remember the name of the city. Then England - London and Manchester, Scotland for five days and we finished in Ireland for another two weeks although we had planned to visit Prague and Iceland, too but we decided most of it on a whim. Becca loved Ireland so we decided not to fly to Prague. And from there we went back to London and then came back here. It was amazing, I'd love to do it again one day."

„It sounds great. The furthest I have gotten was Paris and that was just for a week because I couldn't take more time off, the trip was planned and scheduled quite spontaneously."

„Did you go alone?"

„No, with Noah and my ex," she explained. „It was too little time and we lost almost two days to the flights. The hotel was great but I would never choose hotel accommodation with a three year old ever again, we basically had no alone time at all."

„Did you visit Disney in Paris?"

„We wanted to actually but have decided against it because it would've been too stressful within the five days. I would've loved to see it, though."

„Have you ever been? To Disney?"

„Me? Never. Have you been?"

„Nope, not yet. Figured I'd take my…" he stumbled, realizing he was about to say _kids_ there. But that was not going to happen. „…niece there someday."

„How old she is? Your niece?"

„Just a year old. She's great," he smiled fondly. Just thinking of Abigail made his heart flow over with affection.

„I bet she'll love it when you take her to he happiest place on earth," Olivia smiled as her phone started ringing. She assumed it was Lucy but saw Amanda's name on the screen. Raising her finger she quickly got up and excused herself, walking a few steps towards the kitchen.

„Yes Amana, what is it?" She listened to Amanda explain that their victim from Friday night, who was still at the hospital, had the nurses call them in because she had changed her mind and was now willing to talk. With Amanda and Fin on call they had made their way over to Bellevue, only to realize that Emily Clarke wasn't willing to talk to a man, but not to Amanda either. After twenty minutes of trying to get any sort of information out of the woman, Rollin's had finally asked if she would like to talk to Olivia, who had been at the hospital with her the previous night to try and talk to Emily, to which their victim had nodded her head. Sighing softly Olivia turned to look at Tom who was already expecting the worst. „Yeah, okay. I'll be there." Hanging up she looked apologetically at Tom who was putting down his glass.

„You gotta go, hm?"

„Unfortunately, yes. I am sorry, I promise I'll make it up to you. It's just…" He interrupted her softly by raising his hand.

„It's okay. No need to explain. Do you need a ride?"

„No, I'm… I'll take a cab, you don't have to-„

„I know I don't have to, but if I can make things less complicated or stressful for you then I'd love to take you wherever you need to be. I've finished my last glass of wine a couple of hours ago, I'm good to drive." Of course he felt some disappointment over the abrupt ending of their night together, but by now he was no stranger to Olivia's work getting in the way. He had promised to be supportive and told her repeatedly that he understood. „Where do you need to go?"

„Bellvue Hospital," Olivia told him, already straightening her clothes before she sent Lucy a text that she wasn't sure when she would be back as she was called in. She wanted to argue and insist on a taxi but knew it wasn't going to fly with Tom. „Thank you."

„Does that mean you'll let me drive you?" He was mildly surprised and had already put together a list of things that would make him taking her much more convenient.

„Yes, I'll let you drive me," she agreed, scanning her phone for Lucy's reply that was a single ‚ _ok'._ Olivia went to the bathroom to quickly check her appearance in the mirror. She'd put on some lipstick in the car and would be presentable enough, she decided. Returning she saw Tom had buttoned up his shirt and was already holding her jacket and handbag, ready to go. She was amazed that he understood how she had no time to waste.

„Is it going to be take long?" He asked as he helped her into her jacket and then put on his shoes.

„I have no idea, it could be anything between twenty minutes and a couple of hours," Olivia explained, zipping her boots. „One of our victims decided she wants to talk, but apparently only to me," she told him as Tom grabbed his keys and they left his apartment. They only had to walk a minute until they reached his car.

„So, does this happen often? That you get called in although it's not your turn?" He didn't know exactly if they were taking turns with their on-call duties but figured that was how it worked.

„Not often but it happens. Usually this isn't something they can't handle but if a victim will only talk to one of us," she shrugged. „Not much either of us can do except make it happen. It beats not getting a statement at all. And sometimes it's crimes where they want the head of the unit on the scene. Problem is that we're understaffed and nobody is trying very hard to change that because in their opinion we're efficient enough," she explained, shaking her head, her dismay audible in her voice. „Politics."

„I know a thing or two about that," Tom said, pulling onto the street.

„It messes with our on-call rotations, one of us is always screwed. Fin and Carisi don't have kids so they are trying to cover for Rollins and I, but they've got a life, too. So I'm usually on call every other weekend and I try to cover Wednesdays and Fridays."

„So, you might not be able to go out next weekend after all, huh?" Tom asked. As far as he understood this was her weekend off, and she'd be on call the next.

„No, Amanda and Carisi had a week off recently, so they're catching next weekend. And trust me, I'll try like hell to not make it about work. I promised I'd make it up to you, I'll do what I can do keep up to that next weekend." Looking at him she smiled and as Tom briefly glanced at her, she saw him respond with the smile she loved so much.

„That would be great."

They reached Bellevue Hospital Center within twenty-five minutes and Tom stopped the car as close to the entrance as possible. „Thank you for driving me. And I am really sorry," Olivia apologized once again.

„I can wait, take you home when you're done," he offered. Of course he could think of much better things to do, but it wasn't her fault that she got called in, and she probably wanted to be somewhere else rather than here, too.

„Oh no. Please, just get home, go to sleep, watch a movie - do whatever but don't stay here and wait for however long this might take. It could be hours, Tom. I'd feel terrible, it's bad enough that I couldn't stay." How did he even get the idea to wait for her? She certainly didn't want to make his night worse than it already was.

„It's no big deal. I mean, I'll park the car, I'm sure I can find a coffee vending machine somewhere in the waiting area. I've got my phone on me, so you'll find me when you're done."

„I couldn't…" He didn't let her finish.

„Of course you can. Don't make this difficult. Let me wait for you. Please. We can grab some tea or… whatever else you like on the way back. I wanna take you home. I would've if you had stayed, I still want to do it now. Say yes."

„But.."

„Olivia, say yes." He told her again, nodding at her as he took her hand. Looking at him she shook her head, deciding not to mirror him. Sighing she rolled her eyes at him. She had a feeling that even if she kept insisting he'd go home, he wouldn't listen.

„Fine. Yes." He was giving her a brilliant smile and before he could say anything else she leaned in and kissed him. „However, if you should change your mind, feel free to go home."

„Got it." He wouldn't, of course. And she knew it, too. Olivia leaned in for one more kiss before she got out, waving at him quickly before she turned and walked towards the entrance where she saw Amanda.

„Did I interrupt a date?" The blonde asked, falling into step with Olivia as her superior reached her.

„Actually, yes. How is Emily?"

„Distraught. I hope she's still willing to talk."

„Yeah, me too. Where's Fin?"

„Inside, waiting in front of her room. She's agreed to the rape kit, that's when they called us and said she wanted to talk to us. Just turns out she only wanted you."

„Well, let's see how that goes then. Have they already done the kit?"

„Not yet," Rollins informed her, and Olivia groaned inwardly. She might as well call Tom and tell him this was not going to be a quick affair. Rape kits took awhile, and at times a Doctor wasn't available immediately, especially at his hour.

„I didn't expect anything else," Olivia said dryly as Amanda led her along the hospital floors.

…

It was almost 2 AM by the time Olivia left Emily Clarke's hospital room. She had held the young woman's hand during the rape kit, had explained the importance of the different procedures, especially the photographs that had to be taken to capture even the smallest bruise. And finally she had listened to the recount of Emily's rape that she now carried in recording before it would be typed into the computer by Amanda. Tom had slipped from her mind completely up until she was walking the hallway with both of her colleagues. She felt exhausted now and definitely would need some sleep. Going through some last details with Fin and Amanda, Olivia caught sight of Tom sitting in the waiting area, nursing a beverage from a plastic cup. She faltered for a second, Fin and Amanda noticing and turning their heads into the direction of the guy, but finished her conversation first before she excused herself and wished the two detectives a good night. For now everything was done and taken care of, everything else could be handled in the morning. Under Fin's and Amanda's watchful eyes she walked over to Tom, who looked just as tired but smiled and got up.

„You done?" He asked hopefully.

„Yeah. You shouldn't have waited around for me. I would've been fine. I'm sorry it has gotten so late."

„It's okay. Let's get you home," he said softly, putting his hand on the small of her back to gently lead her towards the exit.

…

„Who's this?" Fin asked Amanda as the younger man guided Olivia towards the doors of the hospital.

„Apparently her date. She's definitely kissed him as he dropped her off here earlier," Amanda said, feeling intrigued. Olivia wasn't someone who shared about her private life easily. The more surprising was it to see that she let a guy drop her off - and even better - pick her up.

„Good for her," Fin shrugged, ready to move on now that that mystery was solved. He normally didn't care for who was dating who but when it came to Olivia that was a different matter. He's been working with her for almost twenty years, had seen the men come and go. He wished her happiness in her private life. The kind that actually lasted. And seeing how whoever the guy was he had waited here for her for hours, made him seem like a decent enough candidate.

„He's cute," Amanda said easily, earning her a roll of the eyes from Fin.

„I wouldn't know, I'm not gay," he retorted. „Let's get the hell outta here."

…


	26. Crazy

The planning for Tom's date had gone exceptionally well so far and he crossed his fingers that nothing was going to get in the way for Olivia the next evening. She was definitely not on call - as far as her schedule was concerned, but by now Tom had learned that there were no guarantees with his girlfriend's job. Having her on the phone now, he tried to bring the importance of a smooth course of the evening across.

„You're off tomorrow night and you've got Lucy for Noah, correct?"

„Absolutely. Tomorrow night it's you, me and dinner. As I've promised." And hopefully a bit more than dinner, Olivia thought. She was well prepared and quite nervous. There were a million things running through her mind. What outfit to wear and more importantly what lingerie would she look best in? Would it even matter or was Tom not going to pay much attention to her underwear at all? Would he like what he'd see? Would it be good? And God beware, what if it will be bad sex? If their chemistry in that area would be terrible? It happened after all, right?

„Okay. Well, I'd really like to pick you up at 5 PM, if you can't make it by then it has got to be at 6:45 PM sharp."

Olivia was wondering why he wanted to meet so early, but she figured she could let Lucy know she'd be needed sooner than expected. „Okay," she drawled out. „Why?"

„I'm afraid I can't say but I need you to tell me you'll be ready by then or else we won't make it in time."

„You're not even going to hint at what it is?" She asked sweetly, her voice dripping honey. Tom definitely had her curious now.

„No, because then it would no longer be a surprise. So you, me, 5 or 6:45 PM sharp."

„Got it, I'll let you know as soon as I've talked to Lucy."

„And Olivia? It would really be good if nothing got in the way because you'd hate to miss this," Tom added softly. He didn't want to make her feel bad about the times she had to cancel or leave their date early for the job, but he knew she'd be terribly upset for herself and probably even more for him if she had to leave.

„I've already told them that I am not going to be available tomorrow. We should be fine." She didn't promise, because she knew that some promises she couldn't keep, but she'd do everything in her power to not have anything or anyone mess tomorrow night up for them.

„Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then, let me know when. And `livia? I've missed you."

„I've missed you, too." It wasn't easy to see Tom everyday and not get the chance to spend time together. Even worse was the fact that she hadn't even kissed him since last Saturday night as he had dropped her off at home in the early morning hours. Some mornings Olivia wished they could sneak away for just a minute but of course that was no option. Keeping it strictly professional there was not even flirting involved. „I'll get back to you soon. And Tom? I can't wait for tomorrow."

„Me either. Sleep well then, yeah?"

„You, too. Bye."

Olivia hung up, sighing softly, realizing that she truly missed Tom terribly. But it were less than 24 hours until she'd be able to wrap her arms around him again, kiss him and… well. Consulting the clock she realized that Carrie was going to call within the next few minutes. Their weekly calls had been postponed to Fridays by the blonde and Olivia figured that had to do with her ever present curiosity. Not surprisingly her phone rang in that instant and sure enough her Iphone showed an incoming call from Carrie.

„Hey," Olivia greeted, walking to the kitchen to pour a glass of wine. It has become a habit, even a tradition of sorts. Carrie and a glass of wine.

„Hey you," Carrie said back as Olivia got comfortable on her couch. „So, what's new?"

„Nothing much. I'm busy with work… and Tom's planning something for tomorrow night which he won't tell me about. Turns out he can be quite secretive. With you?"

„My life's boring, you're the one who's in a new relationship with all the excitement and obviously cool, secretive dates," Carrie said. „But let's cover the important stuff, tomorrow's _the night_?" Of course Carrie asked, she had to or else she'd die. And luckily Olivia had been a little more forthcoming in the past few weeks.

„I guess so," Olivia agreed, trying to keep it vague.

„You _guess_? Come on, Liv. It's about freaking time."

„I know. I'm pretty sure, does that sound better?"

„Hardly," Carrie scoffed. „You excited yet?"

„Yeah, sure," Olivia said, only she didn't sound very excited.

„Uh-huh." She wasn't convinced at all, wondering if Olivia was being Olivia, trying to find some way to push the poor guy away. „Liv? Is everything okay? You're not trying to cancel on him or anything, right?"

Olivia sighed, closing her eyes. „Nope. Just… I don't know, I'm nervous and overthinking it all too much."

„Ahhhh, the First-Time-Sex-Jitters. I remember it well," Carrie laughed softly. „You'll be fine, Liv."

„Probably. Just… what if it's bad, Carrie? I mean, he's great, he's… pretty much perfect, you know? And it all seems too good to be true, so what if we're damned to have bad sex? If we are lacking chemistry in the bedroom?"

Carrie listened, trying not to snort with laughter. „Take it to kitchen?" She offered dryly.

„Are you trying to be funny here?" Olivia asked, because she really couldn't laugh in this sort of situation. She was actually trying to open up and talked about this… women stuff, although she had always been rather private about these things.

„A little, yes. Liv, just… take it easy. Most likely everything is going to go just fine. You'll have decent sex, or maybe even great sex. What are the odds that it's going to be absolutely terrible?"

„I have no idea what the odds are, but what if it is?"

Carrie sighed, shaking her head. „Then maybe it's just first time terrible and you need some time to find your groove. Relax, Liv. It's certainly not going to help if you're going into this with a bad attitude. I bet it's going to be great. I mean, it's gonna be what you two make it."

„I hope you're right."

Carrie thought that Olivia must really like the guy. She wasn't usually talking sex, and she sure had never heard her so nervous over a date, even if it seemed to be _that night_. And Tom sounded like the perfect man for Olivia. Funny, considerate, understanding of her job. The fact he had waited for her for hours at a hospital while she was working was saying a whole lot about him. It was insane that Olivia had blown him off at first, when she now heard her friend talk about him like she had never heard her talk about a man. Olivia herself probably wasn't even aware of it, but there were little details Olivia fed Carrie that she hadn't before, not even during her more serious relationship with Brian. It was in the words she used, in the way she laughed more and seemed… happy. Olivia Benson actually seemed to be happy. She had even stopped second guessing, well except for starting to second guess the sex thing that was before her.

„I really wanna get to know him," Carrie pointed out. „I mean, he looked cute, he sounds great."

„So, you wanna scare him off?" Olivia chuckled. Truth was, she figured they would actually get along well. Tom often mentioned his sisters very breezy nature and Olivia could definitely agree the woman was lively, even though she had only met her for two minutes. Carrie and her could be pretty much alike.

„Think he can't handle me? In that case you should really reconsider this whole thing," the blonde joked.

„Actually, I'm sure he'd handle you just fine," Olivia admitted, chuckling. „I just don't know how much I'd have to suffer between you two."

„You know, if you don't want him anymore, let me know, I'll get a divorce. He sounds perfect. He can cook, right?"

„Yeah. I mean, he's only cooked for me once but that was good. Tasty."

„Right, the night you broke the poor guy's heart," Carrie remembered.

„Can you stop bringing that up? I know that was stupid, okay? I've learned a bit of a lesson there, I'm over it. He's over it. We're good."

„Sorry, I won't bring that up again. Unless you are planning on doing something stupid, then I'm going to rub it in again and again."

„I wouldn't expect anything else from you, Carr."

„So, what's he being so secretive about? Any guesses?"

„None. Just said he either has to pick me up at 5 or 6:45 PM sharp. That's all I know."

„Movie Theatre?" Carrie suggested. It was the only thing she could come up with that made sense.

„Maybe," Olivia said, making a face at the idea. God, he wasn't going to take her to watch a movie, was he? She absolutely hated dates that included the movie theatre.

„You sound like you're going to puke," Carrie laughed.

„And I probably will if you're right. God, that would be terrible. I mean, you don't take a woman you plan to have sex with to the movies before, right?"

„Unless it's Fifty Shades Of Grey," Carrie snorted with laughter. „Maybe there's something he needs to tell you first."

„Ew, no please. No fetishes, I swear that's going to be a deal breaker."

„I'm joking, relax. You're really too wound up, Liv. That movie isn't even playing anymore. I think," she said the last bit as an afterthought.

„You're not being funny. In fact you are scaring me."

„That's because you're too…. ‚private'," Carrie stressed the last word. „It's just sex, Liv. Women talk about it all the time, would do you some good, maybe then you'd be a little more relaxed about tomorrow."

„Hey, I'm talking a whole lot okay. Be a little easy on me, I'm trying." Carrie had to give her that, she really was sharing much more than she had in the past.

„Already know what you're gonna wear?"

„Not really. Probably a dress."

„Easy access, good choice."

„That's really all you ever think about, is it?" Olivia asked.

„I don't have any first time sex experiences anymore, I live vicariously through you, Benson." While Carrie's sex life was good considering she had been married for almost two decades there was little new to discover. It wasn't boring but it wasn't overly exciting anymore either.

„You're not getting a detailed report, if that's what you're hoping for," Olivia warned.

„I know you, Liv, a report would be too good to be true," she said dryly with just a tad of disappointment.

„Go and work on your own reports, that's more fun anyway," Olivia chuckled.

„True. How's Noah?"

„He's good. Probably going to be disappointed if I have to go before dinner tomorrow, but that's probably the exception so he'll hopefully be okay this once. Which reminds me I still have to call Lucy, see if she can even be here this early, I told her 7:30 would do."

„Got a backup plan?"

„Not really, I'm hoping for the best here. It did sound like whatever he's planned can't take place later."

„Then you better talk to your nanny and come up with a Plan B if she can't make it on time," Carrie said. „I better let you go. And Liv? Enjoy it."

„I'll try my best. So, talk to you next week?"

„Are you fucking kidding? We're going to talk on Sunday, and that's not negotiable."

Rolling her eyes, Olivia scoffed. „No details."

„No details," Carrie agreed half-heartedly. She'd at least try to pump Olivia. „Talk to you then. Bye."

„Bye," Olivia said back and hung up, ready to dial Lucy.

…

Luckily Lucy was able to take Noah earlier than expected, only she took him to her apartment for the night as she had to write for her term paper and didn't want to bring a stack of heavy books. For Olivia it was a big plus. It gave her enough time to get ready without Noah walking in on her fifteen times to ask for something. She had asked Tom if whatever he had planned had a dress code that needed to minded but he had told her to wear whatever she felt like wearing, knowing her wardrobe so far she'd look stunning either way. She had decided on a black dress that ended just above the knees and showed just a little bit of cleavage. She decided to wear her favorite earrings and took off her necklace, thinking it might get in the way with later activities. By 4:45PM she started to feel slightly nervous and checked her appearance once more, then double checked her clutch. Phone, her smallest wallet that held her cards, lipstick and powder to touch up her face if necessary and most importantly two condoms. She was quite sure Tom would have some but since they haven't discussed protection yet, she figured it couldn't hurt to have them on her. Just in case. Her phone rang and seeing it was Tom, Olivia's heart skipped a beat. Taking a deep breath she accepted the call.

„Hey."

„Hey, you about ready?" He asked, sounding a little distracted, possibly by the traffic.

„Yeah, I'm good to go."

„Great. I'll be there in five, six minutes."

„Okay, I'll be outside," she told him. She really hoped Carrie wasn't right with her movie theater theory, but didn't want to ask, either. If that was in fact what Tom had planned, she'd simply have to put on her big girl pants and sit through it. After all, the evening couldn't possibly get much worse afterwards.

„See you in a few. I can't wait."

„Me either," she said softly and hung up, the nervous energy bundling once more. She checked her purse again, fully aware that she had just done so a minute ago. She walked to the kitchen area to get a sip of water, her high heels clicking on the floor with every step. Time didn't seem to pass, five minutes felt like five hours before she finally decided it was time to leave. She put on a thin coat and hoped they wouldn't spend too much time outside. Then again her dress was worth being a little cold.

By the time Olivia left her building Tom's car was already standing on the side of the road and Olivia rushed over and got in, seeing he was actually wearing a button down shirt and a jacket this time, definitely more formal than on their first date at Uva Restaurant. „Hey," she smiled, leaning in to kiss him. „You look… great."

„So do you," he complimented, taking in her appearance. He couldn't see nearly enough of the dress but assumed it was stunning. „Ready to go?"

„Ready to tell me what we're going to do?" Olivia asked the counter question.

„Not quite yet, you'll have to be patient for… say another two, two and a half hours," he said with a wink.

„Okay, so what are we going to do until then?" She was definitely intrigued, but it seemed he was not going to take her to the movies.

„Dinner," he offered, checking the mirror as he pulled back into the flow of the traffic.

„Okay. Where?"

„A small Tapas bar. The yelp reviews are promising," he joked, referencing their first date, although this time he hadn't checked yelp. He had frequented the place many times. The service was excellent and the food to die for.

Olivia laughed softly, loving the idea of a Tapas Bar instead of the typical restaurant. She loved Tapas, so that was a big plus, too. „You never cease to surprise me, do you know that?"

„I'm trying," he admitted. He really didn't want to do anything too predictable, but most of all he wanted for Olivia to enjoy the evening. The evening would run rather late and Tom was aware that it might mean that they would not have sex tonight, which hurt just a little. But it wasn't what he wanted to focus on. They would still have a great time, he was sure of that. He made his way to the Tapas Bar, luckily finding a parking space close by. Opening the door for Olivia, he reached for her hand and helped her out of the car, taking what he could see from her appearance as long as her coat was unbuttoned. A black dress, black heals, and damn, he really started to regret that the evening was so packed, because if he could to what he wanted to do; he'd take her right here, right now.

„You look gorgeous," he told her, his eyes raking over her body. She could really lose to coat for his benefit though, he caught himself thinking.

„Thank you," Olivia said softly, deciding that the way he was looking at her was worth every minute she spent in the bathroom. She also complimented herself for the choice of the dress.

„Let's go, we have a little less than two hours for dinner before we have got to go," he said, reaching for her hand and interlocking fingers with Olivia.

„You've got me curious," she said. „Just tell me what all this is about."

„Sorry, can't. You'll find out soon enough," Tom assured.

„I hate surprises," Olivia whined.

„You won't hate it."

„How can you be so sure?" She asked, chuckling. He sounded way too sure of himself.

„I'm simply sure." They walked for about three minutes and crossed the street before Tom led her inside the restaurant. The place really was small but it was warm and nicely decorated. Olivia instantly liked it. There were only eight tables, six of them occupied as Tom was greeted by one of the mediterranean looking waiters. It was obvious that Tom was no stranger here. Rául, like his name tag said, showed them to their table instantly, where Tom helped her out of her coat and ordered a bottle of wine for them.

„This place is nice," Olivia smiled, reaching out to take Tom's hand.

„I like it, too. Food's great, as well," he assured, taking a moment to admire her beauty. Sometimes he still couldn't believe that they were real, an actual thing. When Olivia had told him it was not going to work out, that she'd like to stay friends with him, he had let the idea of being with her go. Not in a million years would he have thought that six weeks later she'd sit on the porch of his building, waiting for him in the pouring rain to apologize. The funny thing was that Tom was fairly sure that was all she had intended to do. He didn't want to imagine how things would have turned out if he hadn't asked what she'd change if she could go back. She probably would have left and he wouldn't have stopped her. He would have let her go for good. And now they were here, and although it wasn't easy and he missed her much more than he got the chance to be around her, be _with_ her, he was happy. Happier than he had been in the past four years for sure.

„Do you come here often?" Olivia asked, her eyes taking everything in once more.

„Every once in a while. It's one of my favorite places here in the city. Rebecca loves it, too. She brought me here first. This stuff is her thing - she can't really cook so she does a lot of tapas style stuff," he explained. „You'll see for yourself at some point." He simply assumed she would. Tom didn't want to think that this relationship might not work out. He didn't allow himself to see this turn sour.

„You think?" Olivia asked softly. She didn't feel under pressure about him talking about Olivia experiencing his sister's cooking style, but she was also a realist and not the most optimistic person on this planet. Of course she wanted for this relationship to last, which would include getting to know Tom's family but for now all of it seemed too far in the future for her to grasp.

„I would certainly hope so," Tom said with conviction. „Once you're ready to meet her…again," Tom added, so the ball was in her court again.

„Alright. Just to get it out there, I'd like to meet her again… when the time is right." That was all she could offer right now. It wouldn't be tomorrow or even next week, but Olivia could see it happen, eventually - as long as everything would go well. The waiter came back with the wine and poured them each a glass before he handed them the menu. Tom recommended some things and decided to order some he hadn't yet tried. By the time the food was served in many small bowls and plates, Olivia had really worked up an appetite.

„This looks fantastic," she commented, taking a sip of wine before she started putting a little bit of everything on the plate in front of her.

„Tastes even better. You like tapas?"

„Love it, although I rarely go to places like this. I usually end up at Italian places for dates."

„Well, Italian always works, it's the safe choice," Tom said with a shrug. He himself often decided on Italian food, especially for first dates.

„I guess it is. I really like this, though. All about this place," she said, trying the green olives in herbal oil. „Oh God," she hummed. „This is so good."

„I told you," Tom smiled, watching Olivia's eyes close with delight. The image instantly caused him to have some inappropriate thoughts that hit him right in his groin. Jesus, this night would really prove to be a challenging night. Tom was not yet sure how he would be able to keep his sanity when she was looking so damned fine while audibly enjoying her food.

Over the course of the next two hours they tried everything on their table and then had some desert and coffee before Tom told her it was time for them to leave. The time had flown by as they were talking about their week and covered subjects they hadn't discussed during their short phone calls every other night. As Tom led Olivia back to the car she tried to grill him once again to find out what they were going to do next, but he simply chuckled and shook his head no. A ten minute ride later he parked the car one block from his building and just when Olivia figured they were going to his place, Tom surprised her by walking in the opposite direction and hailing a cab, glancing at his watch every few minutes.

„What are we doing?" She asked, laughing softly and trying to clear up her confusion.

„You'll need a few more minutes of patience," he told her as they got into the taxi and Tom told the driver to bring them to 226 W 46th Street. Midtown. Which still didn't give Olivia any more clues. There were plenty of restaurants, theaters, hotels. When they reached their destination, Tom paid the cabbie and they got out, standing right in front of the Paramount Hotel.

„A hotel?" Olivia asked, figuring that must be it but Tom shook his head, chuckling before he reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, retrieving an envelope. He thought that by now she would have figured it out, if only she would look across the street.

Puzzled, Olivia took the envelope Tom was now holding out to her and opened it easily, staring at him in disbelief as she saw the tickets to _Hamilton_. „You have got to be kidding me," she said, looking at him, as he smiled like a kid on Christmas Day. „Tom… are… are you crazy? You can't… how did you even?" It was impossible to get those tickets, you either had to play the Lotterie, buy them months in advance or try your luck at the box office in case of cancellations and even then it was first come, first served. And even if you got lucky, these tickets cost a fortune starting at $ 405, Olivia knew, she had once checked out the prices after all.

„You've been wanting to see it, right?" He decided to ignore her questions for the time being. Olivia's face was to die for as she was trying to piece it all together. On their first date she had mentioned that she would like to see Hamilton one day, maybe when the hype would wear off and it wouldn't be bordering on impossible to get tickets at the box office.

„Yes but… how did you get those?" This was crazy. He was crazy. Olivia wondered if he had actually committed some sort of crime to get his hands on Hamilton tickets. She still gaped at him by the time he took her hand and led her across the street to the Richard Rodgers Theatre.

„Tom… seriously…"

„Olivia let's just go in and see the show, okay? It's going to start in twenty minutes, you don't want to miss this." It was amusing to see her so shocked and he really hadn't expected this kind of reaction. Beneath all of her confusion and incredulousness he could see the excitement.

Olivia was unable to say any more and kept her mouth shut, because all she was going to do otherwise was to ask the same questions over and over. She would really have liked to turn this into an interrogation, but felt like she was lacking all skills at the moment. As they stood in front of the theatre, about to go on, Olivia stopped Tom and he looked at her quizzically.

„You are crazy," she said again, before she kissed him, her hand sprawling out across his neck. She was all wine and herbs and a hint of garlic, a heady taste that almost made Tom wish he could forget about the tickets and take her home to do other things that would be quite entertaining as well.

„Is that a bad thing?" He said against her mouth, making her laugh and he breathed her in.

„Not as long as you're not committed," Olivia mumbled, nudging her lips against his once more before she pulled back and looked at him. Crazy, she kept thinking. All of this was completely surreal. Except she was holding two tickets for Hamilton in her hand and they were in fact standing right in front of the Richard Rodgers Theatre.

„Good surprise?" He asked hopefully, but had an idea he already knew the answer.

„Good? This is… I don't even know what to say." She shook her head, once again peeking into the envelope. She loved the Theatre but had too little time to go and see a play or a musical. And going alone had always held little appeal. She had wanted to see Hamilton for over a year now, but had ultimately decided that it made no sense for her to buy tickets months in advance when she might have to work in the end. And she wasn't quite sure if she wanted to buy tickets that were so expensive. While she got by okay, spending so much money on a show simply didn't feel right. She had told Tom about this, but of course she never would have thought that he'd take her to see Hamilton. Hell, she had no idea who he had killed to get his hands on those tickets and the scary thing was that it didn't even seem impossible.

„Then don't say anything," he smiled.

Olivia exhaled, as she saw some people enter the theatre.

„Let's go, hm?"

„Give me a second," Olivia said, opening her clutch. She retrieved her phone and kept her thumb pressed on the small button on the right until the screen was lit up by the black apple logo that announced the device was switched off. „Now I'm ready," she smiled, tucking the cellphone back into her tiny handbag.

Grasping for her hand again, Tom squeezed it gently. She may not have known what to say, but she had just done something so trivial that meant everything. Tonight nobody would call her. Or if they did, they wouldn't be able to reach her. 2 hours and 55 minutes were what she would give him. 2 hours and 55 minutes have never meant so much.

…


	27. Gorgeous

**So, finally we're getting to the point I'm sure some of you have been waiting for. Feedback is always more than welcome, the good, the bad and the ugly.**

 **...**

About three hours later Tom and Olivia left the theatre and she was completely dazzled and amazed at how good this show had been. The critics were not exaggerating. The cast was top notch, it was the most entertaining musical Olivia has ever attended. At first Olivia had some difficulty following the rap music because her ears weren't accustomed to it, but she had caught on quickly. The whole script was so thought through and while Olivia hadn't expected to be so emotionally touched by the production she was. Many years ago she had seen _The Lion King_ and had sobbed like a baby, caught in a different world. She had been flashed even weeks later and _Hamilton_ was definitely going to live up to that experience. While she had been convinced the tickets were overpriced, especially now that the show was no longer put on by the original cast, this night had changed her mind. It was definitely worth every penny. In fact it was so good, Olivia was sure she would try and see it again in the future.

„It was fantastic," Olivia gushed, already knowing Tom agreed whole-heartedly. He had said so much during the intermission. She couldn't think of anything that could have made for a better night since she was still buzzing with excitement.

„It was. I wouldn't have expected it, to be honest." While Tom had heard a lot about _Hamilton_ , he had never been too eager to go and see it. Their hands were entwined as they walked down the street slowly. It seemed that for the moment Olivia didn't have a single care in the world and Tom loved seeing her so relaxed and visibly enjoying herself. „Wanna go for a nightcap somewhere?" He asked. There were plenty of restaurants and bars in the area but Olivia looked up at him and shook her head.

„Nah, let's get home. It's late."

It was, he had to agree. 11 PM and she sure has had an early morning with Noah and a long week was behind her. He couldn't say that it surprised him that she probably wanted to get to bed. Since he had expected as much, he wasn't even disappointed. The night had been worth it. Seeing her so free and overjoyed made up for everything else that could have happened. Strolling down the theatre district, Tom tried to hail a cab and the fourth finally stopped for them. Without a second thought he gave the driver Olivia's address, which had her confused, because when she said let's get home she had not meant their separate homes. For a second she had wanted to clarify it for Tom, but kept her mouth shut. This was just as well. Noah was with Lucy for the night, and her place was as good as his. Although she really didn't get how he was such a saint. He couldn't know that Noah wasn't sleeping in his bed tonight, that Lucy wasn't waiting up for Olivia to return from her date. His plans had not even included wooing her with an incredible Broadway production to get in her pants later. It had not been a tactical move, he simply wanted to give her a good time and make a wish come true for her.

It made her wonder if Tom had always been this kind of man because his ex must have been insane to let him go. She knew that nobody was perfect, not even Tom could possibly be without fault or flaw, although Olivia was still looking for either.

On the ride to her place, their eyes met several times and Olivia couldn't help but smile. She still was speechless for the most part, although she managed to mutter a soft and heartfelt ‚ _thank you_ ' once that made Tom squeeze her hand and assure that she was welcome. Fifteen minutes later the taxi stopped in front of Olivia's building. She hadn't been wrong about Tom's intentions, because he already leaned in to kiss her goodbye for the night, which she allowed, but instead of letting go of his hand, she kept her own firmly wrapped around his as she gently pulled back.

„I'll call you tomorrow?" He asked. Technically, Olivia decided, he could do that. But he might as well leave it when they could have all morning to talk. Her and Lucy had agreed that she'd drop Noah off around lunch time so Olivia could have a lazy morning.

Olivia shook her head, a soft smile playing around her lips. She had no intention of letting him go home. „You might wanna pay the cabbie," she whispered instead, seeing the confusion wash over his face, as if he was wondering if he heard her right.

Was she saying what Tom thought she was saying? For a moment he wasn't sure how to react, or if he should ask for clarification. But then she looked at him and nodded her head once in the direction of her building, and that expression of her eyes made her intention very clear. She was in fact inviting him up to her place, which puzzled him even more.

„Noah?" He inquired. Was most likely asleep. But there was also Lucy and he would not for the life of him have thought she'd first bring him home in this kind of situation.

„Is spending the night at Lucy's," Olivia told him, meaningfully.

They would be alone. She allowed him into her apartment, into her life. Her home. Tom didn't question it. He'd be an idiot to. Instead he fumbled for his wallet and paid the cabbie three $ 10 bills, mumbling to keep the change. Olivia couldn't help but chuckle at his sudden eagerness. Only a guy after all, although she wouldn't be surprised if he didn't make a move unless she gave him the go.

They exited the cab, Olivia first, Tom following her. She retrieved her keys and unlocked the door to her building. Olivia lead Tom up the stairs to her apartment door. Upon entering she let him go in first, so she could lock the door behind them. Tom looked around. Not surprisingly the apartment was tastefully decorated and there was a clear difference he felt in between these walls. This wasn't just a place like his. It was filled with warmth and love, with attention to detail. There was art on the walls and pictures of Noah on the shelves. In one corner of the room were a few toys, typical boy's stuff. Trucks. Dinosaurs. A selection of children's books on a small book shelf in that same corner.

Olivia allowed Tom to take the new surroundings in for a moment, watching his gaze wander. Shrugging out of her coat she excused herself, telling him she would be back in a minute. She vanished in her bedroom, quickly checking her appearance in the mirror of her closet. She felt a burst of nervous energy that was hard to shake off. She put her clutch on the dresser at the other side of the room, entertaining the thought to check her phone for a minute, but ultimately decided against it. Noah was perfectly safe with Lucy and the job… it could wait. It would have to wait for tonight, even if shit hit the fan. Olivia's gaze fell on her bed that was made, then to the nightstand. Walking over she switched on the shade lamp that would cast a soft light across the room that wouldn't be as offensive as the ceiling lighting. She didn't want the situation to look too staged but put a condom on the nightstand so there would be no opening drawers and it would be clear that protection was not negotiable for Olivia.

Breathing in and out calmly, she walked back to the living room where she saw Tom looking at a framed picture of her and Elliot. For some reason she had never been able to put it away, not even when she lived with Brian, although he had hated it. It wasn't like he had any reason be jealous, seeing they had no longer been in touch. It was simply a reminder of times that Olivia cherished and liked to remind herself of.

„Is that your brother?" Tom asked as Olivia's heels announced her return.

„My ex partner," Olivia corrected, stepping next to him. „We've worked together for thirteen years." She pointed at a different picture of her and Carrie from ten years ago. „And my best friend, Carrie. She lives in Boston."

„I think I saw her with you once when you brought Noah to school, at least the face looks vaguely familiar."

„That would have been her," Olivia agreed with a smile.

„Your home is lovely," he complimented. Tom had taken the opportunity to look around a little. He had checked out the books on the shelves, the different photographs, one of them showing a younger Noah and Olivia grinning for the camera with the Eiffel Tower visible in the distance. He couldn't help but notice that she looked incredibly happy which made him have a small pang of jealousy, seeing how she had been to Paris with an ex. It was completely ridiculous, of course, after all that relationship was over and Olivia had once told him that things hadn't felt right for her.

„Thank you," she said softly. „Would you like a drink… or… anything?" Olivia inquired.

„Would you?" Tom asked her in return, because in that case he'd have whatever she was having. Olivia however was slowly shaking her head no. She did not want a drink and looking at him, Tom realized she was desiring something entirely different. There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere between them and it was palpable. This was it. Just them in her apartment, with nothing else in the way. Olivia's hand slipped into his and gently tugging at it, she lead the way to her bedroom. He had just two seconds to take in his surroundings as Olivia closed the bedroom door behind them because then she was on him, her hand on his neck and in her eyes there was no mistaking. Tom's mouth met hers then gently at first, but by the way she nipped at him and opened her mouth to allow his tongue to penetrate, his kiss turned into fire and demand. Olivia responded willingly, her arms wrapping around Tom's neck and with no clear direction he walked her a few steps backwards until she hit the door with a thud that was almost drowned out by heavy breathing and sounds of arousal. Tom could barely think but mustered all the restraint he had in him to keep from simply pushing up her dress to take her right there. This, he reminded himself, he wanted to do right and thorough, although he might just lose his mind along the way. Plunging his tongue into her warm mouth, Tom's hand snaked down her side, feeling her hip curve beneath his palm before his fingertips appreciatively stretched out across her butt. He felt his groin tighten almost painfully as he nudged his erection into her body. Olivia's mouth was liquid heat and he swallowed her every breath, breathed through her. He wanted to devour her and make her his tonight, because he's been waiting for too damned long to finally feel her wrapped around him in more ways than one. He had that deeply rooted urge to coax whimpers and groans from her, to figure out what makes her tick and what it takes to make her come. His boxers felt too tight against his erection at the mere thought.

…

He dazzled her with fiery kisses that were all tongue and teeth and somewhere in between his mouth and hers there was a promise that Olivia has never heard him say out loud, but it was there and she felt it somewhere deep in her gut. Tom's face buried in the skin of her neck then and his lips were soft and then they were not and for a faint moment she felt his teeth scraping right there at her pulse point and she puffed and squeezed her eyes shut as her legs turned to jello and made it hard to stand. She was grateful for the door behind her and his body that kept her sandwiched and upright. Tom's hand continued his journey, finding new ground as he grazed her panty line and she thought she wanted out of that dress finally as his hand dipped lower and lower until she bit out a moan as he just barely brushed the spot where the V between her legs ended in her clitoris.

…

Tom was throbbing for her, aching to be inside of her. Despite her layers of clothes he could still feel Olivia's heat, sweet and welcoming. But there was too much skin still unmarked by his touch, too much of her he needed to discover before he would allow himself to get lost in her. He palmed her left breast and squeezed and rubbed his thumb right across the middle of it, feeling her nipple tighten against the material of her bra and dress, against him. His mouth sprawled across her collarbone and with a fair amount of willpower he pulled back because he wanted to see her, needed to see her. By the way her bottom lip was caught between her teeth, eyes closed, Tom almost recoiled. The image made his head spin and his insides burn with desire. The moment might kill him, he thought and it would be damned well be worth dying for. He couldn't remember ever being this captivated by a woman. He allowed himself to get drunk by her sight for a moment before he nuzzled her neck, gruffly whispering just below her ear.

„Turn around."

…

The words were sobering for just a second and Olivia opened her eyes as his mouth was by her ear, his nose grazing her earlobe. She couldn't have resisted if she had tried. Heart racing, she turned around, facing the door now and her hands landed on the doorframe for support as Tom was caressing the back of her neck, both of his hands traveling up a path on her sides. For a moment she felt nothing but his erection that was firmly pressed against her ass and she shivered because without his mouth and hands on her she felt cold. As her hair was gently pushed aside, Olivia's head fell forward. Her breath came in punches of air that hit nothingness and she craved his kiss, his tongue that danced with hers so skillfully. The sound of her zipper hit her before the realization that his fingers were working to get her out of the little black number she had chosen for tonight. It hit her so hard that a surge of wetness pooled between her legs when she wouldn't have thought that she could possibly have gotten any wetter for him.

…

Deeply implanted in Tom's memory there was this image of Olivia how she had first walked around the corner, her boy's small hand securely tucked into her own. She had been smiles and nervousness that day, and a curtain of tears he wasn't sure she allowed to fall when she turned and walked away on Noah's first day of pre-school. He realized now that he had wanted her even then. It might have been primal, but it had been there, that ache to have her long legs wrapped around his waist, to mark her and make this woman his.

He worked the zipper of her dress easily, exposing her back to him that was olive skin and the tease of black lace bra and a hint of panties. His every movement was gentle now as he took the time to take it all in. His eyes raked over her back to her behind that was connected to his, and Jesus, she took his breath away. He enjoyed the thrill of the slowness, the way he could see her breathe in and out. He wanted her. God, he wanted her but he wanted to take his time with her just as much. He dropped a hint of a kiss between her shoulder blades and reveled in the exhilaration of her shuddering torso in response. He thought he could taste a combination of her shower gel and the saltiness of perspiration on the tip of his tongue, making his lips lift in a smile she'd never get to see. This he wanted to memorize, lock inside a far corner of his mind for eternity. Her like this, so unaware of the things she was doing to him.

…

She was breathing hard and her mind was so clouded that it was impossible for her to grasp any thought other than wanting him. All of him, completely. It's been so long since she's been touched by a man, touched like this, and possibly she had never felt so desired. In this dance he was taking the lead and Olivia let him because he was doing it so well. She craved his hands on her body, and just as she was about to plead for him to touch her she felt Tom's fingertips at the base of her neck, pushing the broad straps of her dress across her shoulders and down her upper arms. With his lips dancing across her back he coaxed a lustful whimper from her throat. Her arms fell to her sides, allowing the dress to slip across her skin to get caught sandwiched between their joint hips. The cool air of the room hit Olivia's skin and for just a second Tom rolled his hips to release the bunched up black material. Olivia felt it pool around her feet, tickling her legs as it dropped. Carefully she stepped out, her heels clicking on the floor as she skillfully kicked the dress a couple of feet across the bedroom floor. His hands were back on her within the fraction of a second, getting to know her, one on the curve of her hip, the other flat against her stomach. Her response was immediate as she inhaled audibly, the air getting stuck in her throat. The muscles of her abdomen tensed beneath his palm. One of Tom's fingers grazed the scar just a couple of inches to the left of her belly button, she realized this because the skin had lost some sensitivity where Lewis had branded her. Her hands rolled up into fists and she breathed a soft sigh of relief for she managed to swallow the discomfort it caused. She wasn't going to allow Lewis to be in this room with them. Not tonight.

…

Time seemed to stand still as Tom closed the distance between them completely, his chest pressed to her back. Although Olivia was merely in her underwear now, he still felt she was wearing too many clothes. He had felt her tense and relax beneath his hands and wondered if she had a moment of doubt, but then her hand was on top of his, guiding it up to her chest, so he covered her bra-clad breast.

„There."

The word was almost inaudible, barely there, just a whispered breath but by God, it made him come undone. Her nipple was erect against the inside of his hand, encouraging him to tease and discover. He swore he could feel her heart pumping beneath his skin. He ached for her in ways he hadn't fathomed were humanly possible. He breathed into her neck and kissed her jaw-line, coming cheek to cheek with her as much as his position allowed. Olivia's fingers were trembling on top of his hand that she pushed into her breast and he massaged the plump mass of flesh. His skin was crawling with desire so much it made him want to scream.

„God Olivia…"

He heard himself say her name and there was a deity thrown in for good measure and it hadn't even been a conscious act. Somehow she had made him do it, made him utter her name like it was everything. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't. So before he almost lost it all to horniness and did the one thing he truly wanted to do; tear down her panties and free the raging hard-on in his pants to bury himself deeply within the warm silkiness of her body, he turned her around and put his mouth back on hers, back where it belonged.

…

His mouth, she thought, is perfect. _Perfection_. He didn't use it half-heartedly and Olivia wondered when she had last been kissed with so much tongue. Tom was still fully dressed and every fibre within her disagreed with it, so her fingers found the upper button of his shirt, fumbling a little until she got it open. Three, four more followed before she pulled his dress shirt, that was tucked neatly inside his pants, out. Frustration got a hold on her with the last two buttons because she was too impatient to feel his bare chest against hers with no space between them at all. He nipped at her bottom lip, caught it between his teeth with gentleness only to release it and run his tongue over it. His shirt came off, and finally… _finally_ , she thought. He turned them both around, made her walk backwards into the room and she was fire and eagerness in his wake. Olivia remembered how she had been so worried about all of this last night, terrified that once they would consummate their relationship it could be a disaster. Every bit of doubt had now been wiped away. She wondered how she could have doubted to start with.

He tore his lips away from hers and looked at her and all she could see in his eyes was the lashing appetite he had for her. His hands moved up to cup her face so gently, she felt like she was actually worth more than she felt, something precious, someone… deserving. He captured her lips in a single, loving kiss.

„You're gorgeous…"

Gorgeous. The way it sounded from Tom, Olivia almost believed it. Still gazing at her she watched him undo his belt, his hands working quickly. Now that he was no longer touching her she felt a little exposed. She couldn't tell if the blush that crept upon her cheeks was from him calling her gorgeous or her feeling embarrassed to stand in front of him with so little clothing. His pants dropped and he stepped out of them, Olivia's eyes wandering to his white, low waist boxers that outlined his obvious want for her.

„Come `ere," Tom said softly, reaching for her hand to gently pull her against him again. One arm wrapped around her, and she felt so much more of him now that his pants had come off. His knuckles skimmed the outside of her breast and he almost couldn't comprehend how they have come this far after all. He's been wanting this for way too long, way too much. His free hand unclasped her bra and Tom himself was a little surprised that he succeeded with no difficulty. Tenderly he pushed the thin straps off Olivia's shoulder. Throbbing for her, he took her in, her face, her breasts, and she was breathtaking.

„Gorgeous…" he mumbled again, kissing her.

Slowly he edged her closer to the bed, and although it were only four or five strides the way seemed too damned long. Her hands were on him, exploring his torso as his came between them, reaching down. His fingertips grazed the waistband of her panties, dipping it, slowly, teasingly. He heard Olivia catch her breath and then lower, lower he finally reached his destination finding her wet and ready for him. The pressing of his chest against her had her prodding backwards until her legs hit the bed and with his arm wrapped around her Tom kept her from sinking. She bit out a moan as he pushed three fingers between her legs, stroking slowly, allowing himself to just feel her moist warmth and texture. His mouth was aching for hers but instead he took the freedom to watch the arousal settle on her face. Too see her eyes darken and her cleavage flush was almost too much. She whimpered as he grazed the tiny bud of nerves and it was addictive, so his index-finger pushed down, starting to rub in small circles. She writhed against him, her hips meeting his sweet pressure and for a second he thought he could see her eyes roll back into her head.

Her moans scattered between them in little puffs of air, and he couldn't decide if he wanted to kiss her or keep watching the arousal play out on her face. His erection was bordering on painful but it wasn't the time quite yet, he reminded himself. His free hand covered her butt, letting himself enjoy the feel of the bare skin of her buttocks for a moment before he hooked his thumb around the material of her underwear, pushing it down just enough to give him some more room between her legs. He felt her mouth sink against the slope of his neck, her breath hitting his heated skin in waves and he almost couldn't take it as her hips bucked against his hand.

She swayed against him with yet another whimper and Christ, this was it. Retrieving his hand, Tom gently tucked her against him and lowered them both onto the bed. The cool sheets were rustling beneath them as he climbed on top of her, attaching his mouth to hers in a searing kiss. He deliberately kept his hands off of her body, wanting to drink her in orally, both of his hands on either side next to her head. Olivia was all harsh, ratcheting breaths against his mouth. If he thought he could keep from touching her for longer than five seconds, he was a fool. Her body was a magnetic field too strong to resist. Kissing his way down her throat and to her breasts Tom could feel Olivia's chest heave against his lips as he wrapped them around her nipple, sucking and nipping gently.

„Please…"

Her throat sounded raw, and hearing the woman beneath him plead was probably the sexiest things Tom had heard in his life. His cock twitched painfully in response. His right hand caressed the outside of Olivia's thigh, feeling her tremble beneath his fingers, her body daring him to move closer to her core. There was too much skin, too damned much of her, and as much as he wanted to go slow, to explore every last inch of her before he'd finally give in to her, those sounds she made convinced him to take a shortcut. He curved his fingers and with her nipple still in his mouth he used his knuckle to stroke her again. By the way she jerked her hips he almost thought she would come in an instant.

...

To Be Continued


	28. Gorgeous II

She was trembling as Tom devotedly sucked on her nipple but what drove her close to the edge was his hand between her legs that she tried to keep closed because it was too much sensation all at once and too little at the same time. She felt teeth teasing and wet gentleness encasing her. Her hand clutched at the back of his head to try and keep him right there as he released her nipple to move on down, scattering kisses on her ribcage.

„Your legs, ´livia," he grumbled as she pressed her thighs tightly shut, hindering him. His mouth reached her belly, licking at her skin, and she tensed and fisted his hair as her trembling legs opened up for him. He kept stroking her, causing her to bite back a groan as his fingers dipped lower, finding her entrance. Her body shuddered with arousal and need as she felt his fingers stretch her, pushing deeper, deeper.

„Yes…" The word came out weak and needy.

…

As he felt her velvety wetness coat his fingers, Tom gruffly exhaled against Olivia's abdomen. She felt incredible around him. He turned his hand so his palm was facing upward. Starting to set a slow rhythm, he pulled his fingers almost all the way out and pushed back in until the back of his hand settled fully against her open thighs. Slow, leisure strokes were all it took and by now his face was so close. _So goddamn close._ He could smell her sweet, inviting wetness of this undiscovered land and couldn't help but wonder what she tasted like. He moved inside of her faster, curling his fingers and it were mere seconds until he heard her try to muffle a cry, knowing he had hit the right spot. He sat up enough to push the heel of his other hand down on her abdomen, trying to intensify the pressure for her, noting with delight that Olivia was biting down on her own wrist while her other hand other grabbed a handful of the pillow.

He almost knelt between her legs and watched how her hips met his fingers eagerly and he plunged into her just a little faster, a little harder. She was all strangled moans and cries, and God, he wanted her to stop muffling those sounds, wanted to hear her cry out for him. He hadn't expected for her to be quite so responsive. He liked it. He _loved_ it.

„Gawd…Whadddoyoudotome.." The words got stuck in her throat and he couldn't help it, he had to chuckle at how fucking lovely it was to experience Olivia Benson so scatterbrained, crying such indistinct things into the inside of her wrist.

He wondered just what it would take for her to come, if this was enough or if she needed more. If she liked a steady pace or variety. Tom applied the pressure, his fingers trying to reach just a tad deeper. He felt his fingertips pushing into the heel of his other hand's palm, her abdominal wall the only thing that kept his hands from touching. And there it was. That was exactly it.

„Uhhnn.."

He heard the groan break from her nose more than from her mouth, her left leg coming up only to find support, the sharp heel of her shoe digging into the covers so her knee was bent. It was in he way her hip jerked up against his hand and her eyes widened. It was all there in her flushed cheeks and torso, and goddamn, she was beautiful. He kept going, five, six more well angled thrusts with his fingers for her to ride it out. When she stilled he kissed her stomach, her thighs, keeping himself deeply buried inside of her until he reached her knee. One of her pumps had come off by now, the other he took off gently, all the while kissing his way down her legs that seemed to never end. He dropped the black shoe hearing it hit the floor like dead weight.

…

She shivered as he kissed and touched her legs, and as much as she tried to grasp a coherent thought she couldn't. She was heaving and sinking chest, her forearm draped across her face, covering her eyes because everything was searing sensation. Inside of her, outside of her. In between her legs. The moment he retrieved his fingers she felt loss and it almost, just almost hurt physically when she was still aching for him so much.

There was too little of him and too much of him, making her wonder how that was even possible. He dragged his lips back up her leg, the other one this time and it was fascinating how thoroughly he caressed her. She felt the mattress shift with his weight and only realized that he had stripped off her panties when she was lying there in front of him stark naked. She felt a pang of embarrassment, self-conscious that he could see all of her. When she closed her legs he pried them apart gently, slowly, as if he was trying to convince her to open back up for him. The mattress below her dipped again and his hands were back on her now, one on either side of her hips and before she knew what the hell was happening his mouth was on her, wet and warm, saliva and a breath of air.

Her head lifted up off the mattress in a jolt, part of her torso, too because she couldn't. _She couldn't_. It was too much too soon, too intimate.

„What are… no… you don't have to do…"

She didn't get any further, the rest of her disapproval died on her tongue as his lips wrapped around her clitoris, nipping once only to lap at her a second later and it's all tongue and leisure strokes as he works his way through her folds.

She didn't do this with just a basic level of trust. She wanted to tell him that but she couldn't physically or verbally stop him. _Couldn't._

Instead she fell back and gripping his head with both hands she didn't know if she wanted to pull him away or push him down onto her, against her. Into her.

There were demons there, watching. Lurking. That semblance of panic making her wonder if he was going to expect the same in return, forcing her to let him in on even more of her truths. She felt his hands on her thighs, opening her up wide for him, and unable to fight it she let herself fall.

…

He was drinking her in and she was all sweetness and saltiness with that tinge of musk. Addictive, really, he thought. He had been wanting to do this for too long, had wondered for too many nights how this part of Olivia would feel against his mouth, how she'd taste. She was everything and more. _So much more._

He felt her grip his hair with shaking hands and they rested, and he heard the storm of her protest die on her lips, encouraging him, only encouraging him. He had spent time between the legs of many women but it had never felt quite like this. Never quite so right. Not even with Sarah. Not even when it _should have._

„Tom…" It was his name on her lips spoken shakily and with some insecurity but it egged him on. It was all the affirmation he needed and Jesus, she smelled so good, tasted even better. There was so much, so much of Olivia and he had his mouth full of her, suckling on her sweet spot, feeling her move against him.

The sounds she made were strangled and golden and he barely heard the comforter rustling beneath her responsiveness. She tipped her body up against him and he thought he had impossibly more of her privates in his mouth. He breathed through his nose, rough breaths of air hitting the strip of pubic hair that couldn't have been more than two inches wide. Everything about her was so sinfully soft except the small bud of nerves that was swelling against his tongue. He was drowning in that slick wet heat of her. Just as he wanted to push his tongue inside of her he felt her shatter, the muscles of her thighs gripping his head tightly. Again he heard Olivia's endless muffled moaning and he loved and hated it at the same time. He wanted to hear her the way she was, to hear her let go. He wanted her free and uninhibited. All of her.

…

When she came it was like her brain short-circuited. It was local, right there between her legs, not that wave that spread deep in her gut and yet it was everything. She felt him back off just inches, blowing against her oversensitive flesh, making her shudder.

…

He sat up, taking a few moments to just look at her, really look at her. He took it all in, her face flushed with arousal, eyes closed, her hand clamped over her mouth. Her full breasts, nipples erect and alert. Her olive complexion that seemed even darker in the soft glow that the bedside lamp cast across her body. There was a mole on the side of her left breast, and he realized he had been too engaged with her to have notice it before. Everything about her was so fucking gorgeous, it stole his breath. His deep, primal desire for her started bubbling deep within his gut then, and he was amazed that he had been able to keep it together until now.

He kissed her forehead, tasting salt on his lips while still tasting her. He was incredibly gentle, combing her hair aside, stroking her face and tipping his mouth to the tip of her nose. Her hands settled around his middle and her touch burned him in the best way as he sought out her mouth. He wanted to give her time to come down, just enough to make her want him still. He was thankful for his boxers because he had that feeling that he would drive into her otherwise, unable to possibly hold back. He played with her hair in gentle sweetness as her lips brushed against his tentatively and it was all he needed to make sure she was okay. His hips nestled in between her legs and he could feel her wetness moistening the cotton material that was straining against his erection. He bumped against her, needing some of her, and as she wrapped one leg around his waist and her breath hitched he almost came undone.

He lifted his head to gaze at her and the ocean behind her eyes was inscrutable.

„Okay?" He had to ask, had to make sure she still wanted this, still wanted him.

„Yeah," she mumbled while nodding lazily, and it was raw and consuming. It made him think that he had never wanted anything or anyone more in his life than he wanted Olivia in this moment. It was funny that he hadn't yet lost his mind although she was completely naked beneath him, the only thing separating him from her his underwear. He rolled his hips, pushing himself against her clit, and the friction of the cotton and her leg pushing him further against her were almost too much.

„Olivia," he grunted. „I swear…" He needed her. Needed to be inside her, feel all of her wrapped around his length.

…

It had been too long since she had last had a man on top of her, wanting her. She had been aching for this in lonely nights, to feel someone against her, touching her, rocking against her when her own hands had worked frantically to make herself come. There simply was no comparison to be made. She knew best how she needed to be touched, where to apply more or less pressure, when to stroke and when to rub, when to tease or to pump but this, she thought, she simply couldn't do on her own. There was not enough air to breathe between Tom and her, and she thought his weight on top of her was pretty much all keeping her alive. He was hovering, just waiting, and it made her heart beat faster in her chest.

„I want you." It was a whisper, words that scattered in thin air.

…

It was all he needed to hear. There was one more kiss, his lips brushing across hers before he sat up and took off his boxers, feeling waves of relief as he freed his hard-on.

…

She propped herself up, watching him, and as he released his firm erection a breath caught in Olivia's throat. She thought he was a little bigger than the average guy but then again it had been a while since she had last seen a penis upfront. He wasn't circumcised, she noticed, which was completely new to her although the difference wasn't as obvious with a full erection. She realized Tom was watching her and tearing her gaze off of his erect length she had a moment of clarity and reached for the condom wrapper on the night dresser to give it to him.

He tore the wrapper open without difficulty and put the safety on within seconds before he nestled back in between her legs. She gazed into his eyes as he lowered himself onto her and felt him right at her core and he groaned and shifted his weight until she thought he was perfectly comfortable with their position. He brushed her hair aside as she sunk all the way back into the pillow and then he sought out her mouth, capturing her lips as he released a harsh breath against her. She kissed him gently, her lips slightly parted and there was little restraint left in her as she tipped her hips up against him.

…

He reached between them to guide himself to the exact right spot until he felt the depths of her warm entrance. Her breath hit the corner of his mouth in waves because she was almost panting with a year's worth of pent up need. He knew this, because she had told him, had told him how long it has been for her. He was sure he felt the same although it's not been nearly as long for him, because he had been with two women after she had told him she doesn't want a relationship with him but it had been nothing like this. Not even close. It had held no meaning, none at all. Just sex for comfort, to take the edge off.

„Olivia," he breathed, and her eyes were open, gazing back at him, and he let himself sink lower, lower, until he dove into her, pushing past her and her body showed some natural restraint until it relaxed to fully welcome and accommodate him. Her fingertips pushed into the skin of his back, her nails creating a gentle bite as she did and everything about her was so, _so_ smooth and felt utterly right.

…

His length stretched her past what his fingers could do earlier, filling her, reaching deeper and it's good and comfortable. It was when he rested the weight of his hips completely against her that she bit out a moan and it was so good and intense that she buried her face in the nook of Tom's neck. She breathed him in and he took and took things she didn't know she had to give until he held still, held her and she shuddered a little in his arms as he released a breath. He was all the way inside of her and the knowledge and sensation was overwhelming.

His muscles flexed against her fingers as he moved back, pulling almost all the way back out of her only to circle his hips as he drive himself back into her warm body. The friction it caused deep within her made her tense with need, need for him, for them. He moved slowly, smoothly back and forth, as if he was introducing himself to her and it didn't take long until it was no longer enough. His hand was in her hair, all fingers and thumb as he moved within her and it was paramount.

…

He allowed for slow gentleness for a few minutes to learn things about her, get to know the depths of her. The way she moved with him, making those quiet sounds that filled the room, was exquisite. She was life, the way she was wrapped around him, the way she opened herself up to him. His hips started to set a different pace, and he found a consuming yet rewarding rhythm within her by slowly and leisurely pulling back, only to rock back into her with a jolt. It was no longer fluid but staccato, forcing heated breaths that ripped from her throat. He watched her and it was infinity he saw in her eyes. She clawed at him then, and he wondered if he was only imagining how impossibly tight she felt around him.

„More."

Such a simple word, he thought, yet so laden. He gritted his teeth, because hearing her ask, hearing her plead him was about enough to make him come. He thrust into her and held, had to hold, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to regain control, but he kept pushing himself impossibly deeper into her belly. She clutched her mouth. Again. And it amused and frustrated the hell out of him at the same time. He lowered his head, coming cheek to cheek with her.

„Don't. Don't do that. I wanna hear you."

And by God, he did. When he raised his head again her hand was still in place and he shook his head a little before reached for it and put it down on the pillow, next to her head, keeping her wrist pinned down with just enough pressure to stop her from putting it right back.

„I wanna see you… I wanna hear you," he breathed. She was too much. Too much to absorb. „God, I wanna hear you," he repeated, exhaling roughly against the corner of her mouth.

…

His words made her heart race. The way he said them, the fact he said them at all. He wanted to hear her and Olivia wasn't quite sure she could do that. Something about his request made her feel vulnerable, like she was going to show him too much of her if she moaned and cried out for him. _Because of him._ She wasn't shy, that was not it. She was open minded and she could verbalize things from what she needed to a simple request of ‚Fuck me'. But this… _this._ For as long as she could remember she had muffled her arousal and peaks somehow, be it with her hand, a pillow or simply by stopping to breathe entirely while holding on to something. It had become a reflex, something she barely had control over. He had already pushed her past what she had expected, had made her come twice, once with his mouth. _His mouth_. And now he pushed yet another boundary.

He was perfectly still against her and she could not take it, so she moved against him, inviting him. He groaned and circled his hips as he was balls deep inside her and she released a strangled sound and heard him mutter into her ear again. „Wanna hear you, ´livia."

And then he rose and plunged back into her and she swore it was deeper than before as she cried out for real.

…

„That's it," he panted. He wasn't sure if it was his actions or his words that convinced her, but goddamn, he wanted to hear her just like this. He felt encouraged and his hips moved back languidly, only to thrust back into her with a sharp jolt. The sound she made was more than physical arousal and he did it again and again, because this, he thought, this was what he needed. Her beneath him, making noises like that, guttural and primal. Sexy didn't even suffice to describe it.

He felt his balls tingle and tighten painfully and although she had come twice tonight, he didn't want to find his release before she would find hers again but God knew he was about to fucking explode. Her left hand dug into his back and he felt her scratch him with his next, uninhibited stroke and fuck, he hoped he wasn't hurting her.

He had no restraint left, none at all, so he slammed into her again, making her cry out, and Jesus, she was everything.

Her climax was fierce. She felt, looked and sounded incredible as she was convulsing around him, pulling him impossibly deeper into her warm body. He hadn't known what all sex could be. It was barely making love with that rhythm, that intensity. But it was so much more than fucking, much more than simple primal need with her. Those final guttural moans that she released were deep and ragged. Music in his ears, Tom thought. He wanted to surround himself with those sounds for the rest of his life, like it was the only thing he could no longer do without. He buried himself within her once, twice more until he too shattered with a groan. He thought how he couldn't crush her, didn't want to crush her, so somehow he kept himself from collapsing on top of her.

…

 **Thank you for reading. Feedback is highly appreciated.**


	29. Body Brain

**A short one. I've ended it there on purpose, leaving a little of it all up to your imagination. As always reviews are highly appreciated. They make writing a lot more fun.**

 **Thanks go out to Anne Bensler, her story Full Disclosure had me want to mention David. Just to clear it up, I did NOT dislike him. I actually liked him a lot and I wanted Olivia to settle with him BUT I don't think they had any chemistry, no heat.**

Olivia was safely tucked in Tom's arms as they lay in bed, covered by the comforter for some warmth. She had started to get cold after their encounter when heated skin met the cool air of the bedroom. They were both still naked (although Olivia had tried to put on a tee, Tom hadn't let her), and he had only let go of her for a minute to dispose of the used condom in the bathroom trash. His thumb was stroking her upper arm, and she was perfectly relaxed. Tom's breath tickled her hairline, and the room still smelled of sex. Just like him. And just like her.

Olivia still tried to piece it all together because tonight, well, the part of the night that had started here at her apartment, had not been what she had expected. Last night she had been worried, thinking worst case scenarios out loud to Carrie.

Tonight, after the show, she had been positive that it sure wasn't going to be a total disaster. And now… well, now she still couldn't comprehend why there had been that tiny part of her, a little voice, that had her convinced, actually _convinced_ , that Tom was too sweet, too nice, too lovely, too everything a woman could possibly want in a man outside of the bedroom to be a good lover. Attentive, giving, not pushy - she had been sure of all of that. But demanding? Simply taking? Just the right amount of Alpha-male in the sack? Positively screwing her brains out and make her come three times and make her come hard, too? Nope, she hadn't seen that coming. Too careful, too attentive, too loving, too giving was what she had thought. Always trying a little too hard and still getting nowhere. Maybe able to make her come but surely never like… well, like he had twenty minutes ago.

It was paradox, because Tom who took her on well thought out dates, Tom who was funny, Tom who was such a good listener, Tom who basically begged for her to reconsider when she had blown him off and Tom who had probably scammed someone out of their Hamilton tickets could not have been Tom with the expert fingers and mouth - _God, his mouth_ -, Tom with so goddamn much skill. Or so she had thought.

Maybe the fact he was such a good kisser should have been an indicator that Olivia had been off track. Or all the ways he had made fooling around so passionate, so exciting.

She had to think of David Haden, and much like Tom he had been sweet and caring, attentive, a good listener. There were actually many parallels between the two men. David had felt… like a safe choice. And he had been sweet in bed, too. Caring and attentive but almost timid and well, a little clumsy maybe. The sex had been awkward at first but pleasant after a few times. But never more. Never anything like this. Her mind had never been blown. It had been more like a gentle breeze with David.

 _Nothing even close to this._

„Penny for your thoughts," Tom mumbled into her hair. Olivia startled a little. Their silence had been so peaceful, so comfortable, that she had allowed her mind to wander, and probably he had picked up on her being a little distracted.

„You don't wanna know," she chuckled softly, turning further into him, seeing him smile.

„Don't I?" He gave her a pointed look because this made him all the more curious. „Tell me."

„No, I can't." This time she thought she blushed, hiding her face in his neck to keep the hint of discomfort she felt from him.

„Why not?"

„Because it's stupid," she admitted. And it was. God, it really was and it would cast a slur at her if she told him that she had put him in a box because of his characteristics due to past experiences. Olivia wondered if too much of her job was engrained in her by now, because she's done this a lot of times in the past. Put a label on people and made assumptions founded on that label. And funnily she had never been completely wrong.

„I like stupid," he whispered, his voice a tease as his hand reached further to the left, his thumb now grazing her bare breast beneath the covers. The desired effect was immediate as he felt Olivia tremble and sigh before she scooted back up a little, raising her head to look at him.

„It's just that…" Was she really going to do this? Was she actually going to tell him? It was going to be an embarrassing admission but at the same time she felt safe enough with Tom to make it. Comfortable enough. Who would have thought? „When I've dated men like you… I mean…" Jesus, that sounded horrible already. „…men that were sweet and attentive and really caring and… you know just really, really good guys? The sex was always a little…meek?" She said this with an apologetic face. „So I might have been a little…"

She didn't get any further as Tom started laughing, his nude body vibrating against hers.

„I told you it was stupid," she blushed.

„Meek? So what? You thought…" Oh, he knew what she had thought, he was getting the picture.

„I was driving myself a little… crazy that it could be…"

„Meek?" He finished for her, still laughing. „Elaborate on that, please." He really wanted to hear it, although she was now swatting him lightly.

„Stop laughing," she complained, but couldn't help snickering herself.

„No really, describe _meek_ to me," the laughter had simmered down to a chuckle as his fingers grazed her bare nipple, feeling it perk up beneath his touch instantly.

She didn't want to use the words bad or boring. Although with David and one other ex that hit the nail on the head. „Well, awkward and… crampy maybe," She said carefully. „A little… clumsy."

It made him laugh again, although Tom really tried not to and Olivia's face was priceless as she was searching for favorable words to describe something unsatisfactory. „Crampy and clumsy, hm," he teased, turning into her, his voice filled with intrigue and flirtation. „I can try crampy and clumsy," he muttered, his voice deep and dripping arousal as he flipped her over so he was half on top of her, hovering. „How do I do that, exactly?"

Her surprise was interrupted by her own laughter, full and rousing as it was bouncing off her bedroom walls and although he had seen her laugh, had heard her laugh before it had never been anything like this. Tom felt his dick respond to it, and it was insane, that power she had over him, the way she made his body react. The way she made him want her.

He was just barely nestling between her legs, starting to kiss her neck. „Do I kiss you like this?" He asked, his voice a low rumble as he scattered closed lipped kisses along her throat that were nothing like he'd usually kiss her. Like he _wanted_ to kiss her. Olivia's laughter was vibrating against his mouth as she scolded him to stop.

„Or do I touch awkwardly here…" he kept going, covering her full breast with his right hand before he slowly reached down between her legs, making her gasp in the middle of her small chuckle. „Or do I stroke here while I'm just a little bit off the mark?" Except he wasn't off the mark, he was right there, still feeling the remnants of wetness between her inner labia while his thumb expertly dragged over her sweet spot.

She closed her eyes as she exhaled shakily, trying to stay focused with little success as his words dropped to a whisper, his lips right by her ear.

„Making you think ‚just a bit further to the right'?"

The pad of Tom's thumb pressed down on her just lightly, just to give her a taste as he started to draw small circles, hearing her suck in a breath. He smiled against her cheek. Just what he had been waiting for.

„Should I keep going?" He asked, seeing how she was trying to regain control.

She wanted to tell him no, because this she thought, was not entirely fair to her exes, although Tom was spot on. She has had these thoughts. _A bit farther to the right. A bit more pressure. Less pressure. More saliva. More passion. A proper rhythm._ She did not want to make fun of David or Kurt. It hadn't been mad love with either of them, they had been comfortable, solid men. And sex wasn't everything, she tried to remind herself. It hadn't always been entirely awful and they had really, _really_ tried.

 _It wasn't their fault that they couldn't fuck to save their lives._

Christ, where did that come from? She had never allowed herself to actually _think_ of it in those exact terms. Had tried to compensate with kind words.

 _And it wasn't David's fault that the sex had been lukewarm. Like his kisses. Like their chemistry._

The funny part was that she could have seen herself fall in love with David anyway. Maybe because she had been desperate for love, for something real. Because deep down she didn't want to be a person who put sex above a good relationship. Being with a good man should matter more than mind-blowing sex.

Her thought process was interrupted by Tom's skilled hand, his thumb flicking over the most sensitive spot on her body. Her mind went fuzzy within seconds. Olivia couldn't for the life of her determine if it was all him, all Tom and his gifted hands, or if she had been so starved that she'd have a strong reaction to about anything or anyone in a wanted sexual context.

„Jesus," she exhaled. The buildup was gradual, his fingers working her up slowly, making her oblivious towards anything else.

„Not gonna help you now, love." He grinned into the slope of her breast, reveling in the intoxicating rise and fall of her chest as her breathing pattern changed for him. _Because of him_.

Tom was not feeling offended by Olivia's assumption at all. If anything it amused the hell out of him. He had always figured he wasn't half bad at the sex thing since he had learned a thing or two about female anatomy in his early twenties. And some of his knowledge that has turned to skill he had Becca and drunken nights of conversation to thank for. Not to say all women liked the same, but there had been a few pointers that were worth more than gold and did the trick every time.

He felt her writhe minimally beneath his thumb, pushing her core against him for more contact. He took it easy this time, wanted to take it easy, and lifting his head and seeing her face made him realize why. Olivia looked relaxed, her lips slightly parted, her eyes now closed. Nothing in her face pointed towards her being tense and he wanted to allow her to just feel without rushing her towards climax. He set an easy rhythm for her, barely using any pressure at all as he drew small circles around her clitoris, mindful not to touch it directly for the moment. He wondered if this would always be something to help settle her, if she'd let him wipe away the stress of her days with his touch, slowly coaxing her into oblivion. Wondered, if it would always be like this with her, if she would come so ridiculously easy or if she'd ever make him work hard for it. With her he'd love a challenge, he thought.

The potpourri of watching her, feeling her and wondering about the future with her were responsible for his growing need for her as Tom felt himself get hard. The gentle quiver of her lips and chin were an exquisite sight. She didn't make a sound but although mellow her breath became staccato. From the corner of his eyes he saw her fingers wrap around the top side of the bed cover while he felt her left knee underneath rise and bend gingerly, giving him a little bit of extra room. Her body self-lubricated and to feel the proof of her arousal only turned Tom on more. He left his path to drag his thumb down to her entrance to scoop up some of her slippery wetness. Slowly. Gently. He returned to the small bundle of nerves, the pad of his thumb now sliding across the tiny bud effortlessly, granting her a little more sensation, direct contact.

She hissed softly and then there was the tiniest moan and her nose was twitching. She was absolutely delightful.

…


	30. Morning After

**Author's notes: Sorry this took so long, life's crazy sometimes and I need to find my groove again, so this is just some light fluff.**

He's been watching her for the past thirty minutes as she lay peacefully, one arm draped across her stomach, lips slightly parted. Her breath came in soft waves, an even rise and fall of her chest as morning broke through the pitch black of the night. This bed was foreign. The mattress didn't dip under his weight as much as his own did, the sheets were softer and smelled off laundry detergent and Olivia. And Olivia was perfectly familiar to him although he had only learned many things last night. Things like how responsive her body was to him, or the way she sounded when she really let go. Or that she could laugh in ways that made the sound bounce off the walls and echo in her bedroom. That she was a little shy when it came to being completely naked and completely aware he was looking, eyes raking over her body and taking everything in.

Tom had wanted to tell her that there was nothing to be shy or even embarrassed about, but he had that feeling it would have made things worse and she would have been much more aware that his eyes were on her, that she was put on the spot and honestly, even objectified. So instead Tom had kept his mouth shut and had tried to say it with his hands, his mouth. He had a feeling that before they finally fell asleep she had gotten the message loud and clear. Although she had slipped on a tank top and underwear. The white tank top that was just a little see through as he had realized when he had woken up. And from the right angle of his head it even allowed him to see between the valley of her full breasts, something that was now okay to check out, he had decided. If he couldn't have her naked, he at least deserved to look at the full, braless mounds the tank was clinging to, right? He had already seen her sans clothes, had kissed her and made love to her and he was still in awe. And a little surprised at the unexpected turn of events when the cab had stopped in front of Olivia's building. He had seen himself go home alone after they had seen Hamilton and it would have been perfectly fine. He has had no way of knowing that Noah had not been home, asleep in his bed, that an empty apartment was all Olivia would have come home to. The second she had invited him up the anticipation had sky-rocketed and started to kill him a little. He had been desperately waiting for weeks - well, who was he kidding - _months,_ to finally be allowed to take her off her clothes, to touch every last inch of her and bury himself deep inside of her and although they had done it twice, by which he was only counting actual intercourse, Tom couldn't deny that he wanted more of her. Unfortunately it didn't seem like Olivia was going to wake up anytime soon. She hadn't moved once since he had woken up, like she was actually passed out next to him. It was tempting to reach out and touch her, run his fingertips up and down her biceps or maybe get his hand below that tank top that was such a tease. He wondered if she put it on on purpose because she must _know_ how snug the fit was and that if only she turned a little more onto her side her cleavage would spill over with plump, beautiful breasts that were more than just a handful.

Jesus.

His middle twitched with arousal and maybe a shower was going to help with that, so Tom wondered if he could risk slipping out of bed. Was it okay to use Olivia's shower without her offering? Then again he'd have to shower sometime this morning. Tom gazed at Olivia's sleeping form for a few more moments before he pushed the covers off his body and slowly got out of bed, trying to make as little noise as possible.

„Mhhhm…"

As he heard her soft moan Tom bit his lip and stopped mid-motion, turning his head enough to see her face. Olivia blinked and stretched her arms a little, catching sight of Tom.

„Where are you going?" Her voice was sleep and half a yawn that she stifled with the back of her hand.

„I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he said gently. „Go back to sleep." He sat back down, reaching out to stroke her hair gently. „You're still sleepy."

„I know," she managed. „Come back to bed?"

„I will, I just wanted to take a quick shower if that's okay."

„Now?" Olivia frowned. „What time is it?"

„Almost seven," he whispered, laying back down, kissing her forehead. „And yes, now. I stink."

„No, you don't," Olivia disagreed, scooting closer and putting her head on Tom's chest while draping an arm across his abdomen. „I don't wanna move."

„Then stay put, doze some more. I could get something for breakfast or make something, depending on what's in your fridge."

„And make me feel like an awful host," Olivia added, lips moving against his nipple. „You're putting me to shame Thomas Tetley."

„Don't worry about that, okay? Sleep in, I'm sure you don't get to it often," Tom whispered into her hair, his fingertips stroking her hipbone.

„What time did you say it was?" She asked, her eyes slipping shut with the comfortable warmth of his skin.

„Sevenish."

„I havn slep until sevn in a year or so," Olivia mumbled. And then she was back asleep with a soft sigh, not moving an inch and effectively keeping him sandwiched between the mattress and her head and arm. He didn't dare move and wake her up again, which she sure would if he tried to get out from under her. In fact Tom barely dared to breathe.

…

„Pancake Mix or bagels?" Olivia's voice filtered from the kitchen to the bathroom as Tom was brushing his teeth. He spit out some of the toothpaste to answer, deciding pancakes were perfect. „Pancakes!"

„Coffee, milk, tea or juice?"

„Coffee. Always coffee for breakfast."

He had dozed off again with Olivia on top of him until she had stirred at around 8:30 AM which was when his bladder had screamed for immediate attention. Olivia had showered first and insisted she took care of breakfast so Tom hadn't argued and looked at her place again, even peeking into Noah's room while Olivia had been in the bathroom for her morning routine.

She had emerged from the bathroom with her hair wet and slightly curly, reminding him of the day they had both stood in the lashing rain, the day she had both redeemed herself and told him if she could do it all over again she'd go for it - go for them. Olivia was dressed perfectly casual in dark grey sweat pants and a t-shirt and she still exuded utter confidence in that sort of attire. Surprisingly she made sweat pants look sexy. Or maybe not so surprisingly because Tom thought with as beautiful as she was and that body she could probably wear a potato bag and he'd still want her.

He spits out the rest of the toothpaste and rinses his mouth before he slips back into his dress shirt of the previous evening, leaving the two upper buttons open for more comfort. Next time he should have some spare clothes on him because Musical attire wasn't exactly the kind of thing he liked to wear on a lazy Sunday morning.

„Where do I leave the toothbrush?" He walked to the kitchen, seeing Olivia whisk the pancake batter as the pan was already heating on the stove.

„Just leave it there, I'll store it for next time."

Next time. He liked the way that sounded. It might not be anytime soon, but at least Olivia thought that he would be back here, back at her place, back in her bed.

„I like the way that sounds," Tom grinned, stepping closer to her, hugging her from behind. Her moist her smelled of lavender and he inhaled softly, making Olivia laugh.

„You are a distraction, Tom. Let me do this or else I'll burn the pancakes."

„There's nothing in the pan to burn just yet," he responded, his mouth dropping to her hear as his arms locked around her middle.

„Smartass," she scolded but couldn't contain a chuckle. Slowly she turned, capturing his lips in a sweet and gentle kiss. „I really need to make breakfast because I am starving and I'm sure so are you." When Tom frowns she rolls her eyes and drops her lips to his once more.

„No fair," he grins against her lips, his hands dropping from her sides to her buttocks.

„It's almost ten and I believe it's a certain someone's fault that we didn't have breakfast an hour ago," she reminded him just above a whisper.

„And a certain someone wasn't complaining then," he teased, squeezing her ass and pushing her more firmly against him. „If I remember correctly you were quite…"

„Don't. Don't say it. Breakfast first," she repeated, not budging.

„So after…" He suggested innocently and Olivia laughed and swatted his arm.

„You are unbelievable," she shook her head and turned back around, starting with the first pancake.

„I take that as a compliment," he grinned, kissing her hair.

„It was none," Olivia quipped with a grin.

…

„You gotta pick Noah up?" Tom asked around a mouthful of pancakes and syrup, catching a drop on his lip with his tongue.

„Lucy's bringing him back around noon, probably after they had lunch." She watches him as he eats his second portion of pancakes, smiling absentmindedly. There's something peaceful about sitting here with him having breakfast. She blinks when Tom looks at her questioningly, realizing she must have been staring.

„Everything okay?"

„Yeah. I was just… I was just thinking that this is nice. Breakfast with you…" It's been a long time since she has last had breakfast with a man and enjoyed it, too. Dropping his fork, Tom flashed her a smile.

„It is nice," he agreed, reaching for her hand and gave it a gently squeeze. „Thank you for this. Last night, breakfast."

„Are you thanking me for sex?" Olivia asked, laughing.

„No, not the sex. For inviting me up here. I didn't expect it. Truthfully, I wouldn't have expected it even if I had known Noah wasn't home," Tom admitted. Olivia had been a hard nut to crack from day one, he hadn't expected to see her home from the inside for a few more months at least but it was good to see her opening up to him in more ways than one. It seemed that the second she assured him she was in this, she really was in this.

„Well, I figured after we've spent most of our time at your place it was only fair that you got to see mine," Olivia said softly, although it had only been half the truth. If Tom hadn't assumed Olivia wanted to go home after the musical she wouldn't have argued going to his place. He had given the driver her address and she hadn't wanted to argue and in the end asking him to come up had made sense. She has had no intention of spending the night alone and showing him her place had been a logical step. It had felt right to ask him to come up. Not strange, the decision hadn't been laced with doubt. In a way Olivia had known she wouldn't regret it and she hadn't.

Waking up next to Tom had been comfortable, lovely even. She remembered being half awake once before she had fallen back asleep with her head planted firmly on his chest, his heartbeat gently thumping beneath her ear and lulling her in, back to sweet sleep. The funny thing was that she could picture herself waking up with him, next to him in the future. That she had felt perfectly content waking up with her lips against his skin, his smell in her nose and his smile directed at her as she looked up at his face. There had been no second-guessing if sleeping with him had been the right decision, if this could go somewhere. She just felt… _happy._

The thought gave her a bit of a scare because when was the last time Olivia was truly happy? And more importantly - even when she had been, it had never lasted - not for very long anyway. Could this be different? Could she be happy and somehow influence staying happy, even if things got rough? Was there anything to be done to make sure she wouldn't think how things would be so much easier if she wasn't in a relationship?

„I'm glad I got to see it," Tom said and picking up his fork he finished his pancakes. „Think you could spend the night at my place next weekend?" There was no pressure, Tom knew it might not be easy to get together for an entire night, but he at least wanted to ask and let her know she was wanted at his place, no matter if it would work out or not.

„I… I don't know. I'm catching next weekend so technically Lucy will be available, but I'll have to talk to her and see what she thinks. I don't want to lie to her either and pretend I have to be at the precinct when I'm… somewhere else enjoying myself, if that makes sense."

„Makes perfect sense. Just… just let me know, if you can't the coming weekend, maybe some other time. But I'd really like to wake up next to you again. And have breakfast." He offered a brilliant smile and Olivia realized she was missing his glasses.

„I'll let you know later, I'll talk to Lucy when she drops Noah off."

Tom finished his coffee and only reluctantly let go of Olivia's hand as he smiled at her. „So, you got another hour, an hour and a half?"

„Can't you ever get enough?" It's been an hour and as enjoyable as it has been, between last night and this morning Olivia needed some time to recover. There was some soreness between her legs, just the right amount so it wasn't uncomfortable but one more time and that was probably going to change.

„Of you? No. But that's not what I'm asking," he clarified with a chuckle. „It seems to be a nice day, I thought we could take a walk before I head home." Relief washed over her but she tried not to let it show.

„A walk sounds great, I'd love that. Let me just clean this up and give me ten more minutes in the bathroom and I'm good to go."

„How about this: You go to the bathroom, do whatever you gotta do and I'm going to take care of the kitchen. I'll figure out where everything goes."

„You don't have to do that," Olivia said, feeling a little uncomfortable with the idea to let him clean up her kitchen.

„I know, but I'm fine with doing it anyway. It's not a big deal, ´livia. A bowl, a pan, two plates, two cups. I'll be fine."

Olivia looked at him for a moment, thinking about it. Deciding to simply let it go she slowly nodded. She wanted him in her life and needed to let him in and that meant all aspects of her life she could offer at this point. They had cooked together, had made pizza together, now slept together - letting him clean up the breakfast table shouldn't be a big deal. But somehow it was. In a way it was so intimate and domestic that it seemed like a really huge thing to Olivia. „Alright, thank you," she said and slowly got up. She kissed the top of Tom's head in passing, giving his shoulders a gentle squeeze. „I'll be ready in ten, fifteen minutes."

„Take your time," he encouraged as she breezed past him. When he heard the door click shut behind Olivia he sighed softly and got up, starting to do the clean up, getting to know the ins and outs of his girlfriend's kitchen. And as much as Tom hated cleaning stuff up, it felt good to do this here. To be trusted to do it here the first time he's ever even over.

….


	31. Insecure

He stood in the kitchen, only a towel wrapped around his middle. It was the only thing shielding Tom's otherwise naked body as he cracked eggs into a bowl. He had gotten up half an hour ago, taken a shower, trimmed his beard. And then, quietly padding to the kitchen, he had decided that breakfast was probably a good idea. When he had gotten up Olivia had still been asleep, tangled up in his dark blue sheets. Naked - completely naked this time, he remembered and smiled. For the first time she hadn't reached for a top to sleep in, to cover herself up from his view. Her back and one leg had been exposed while the other leg and her butt had been covered completely. Her hair had been sprawled out on his pillow as Olivia lay on her stomach. The sight had left him with a raging hard-on that not even ten minutes of showering had cured until he had taken care of it. He had played with the thought of slipping back into bed with her, of trying to coax her to wake up with soft kisses and exploring hands. But she had looked so peaceful that he had decided to leave her alone and let her sleep in, knowing that at home she never got the chance. And now he felt her presence before she even spoke, her bare feet tapping across the tiled floor of his tiny kitchen. Her lips landed on his shoulder, pressing against his cooled skin as she audibly inhaled, held and finally released the breath, causing Tom to smile.

„Morning," Olivia mumbled. As she was wrapping her arms around him from behind he could feel her shirt-clad breasts pressed against his back. It was too bad that she had put something on. A real shame.

„Good morning," he said back, putting the broken eggshells on a paper towel. „Slept well?"

„Like a baby," Olivia agreed. „Scrambled eggs?" Her mouth watered at the thought. Tom made great scrambled eggs with tomatoes and spring onions, sometimes mushrooms, but she couldn't see any on the counter this time. It's been six weeks since that first night they had spent together and since then Olivia had stayed over twice, a third time if she was counting the previous night.

Somehow they had fallen into an easy groove those mornings she was here. He always got up first and let her sleep while he started breakfast. They ate, sitting on his sofa watching the news and sipping hot coffee. They joked. She stole his food when she was still hungry because somehow she was always the first to finish her plate. Thinking about it, still with her arms wrapped around Tom and her chin easily resting against his shoulder blade, it hit her. Olivia felt happy. Happier than she remembered feeling with anyone before. Nothing about being with Tom was hard or complicated - not nearly as complicated as she had thought it would be. Everything Olivia had ever been worried about seemed to fall into place with him and here at his place, no matter if it was in his kitchen, on his sofa or in his bed, Olivia felt _safe._ She had found her sanctuary here in some evenings after a rough day, when her world had been clouded by especially tough cases. And every other Friday she had made it a point to try and spend the night, which turned out to be the best solution to not losing any time with Noah on the weekends. Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep whiff of Tom's skin, the scent of his shower gel heavy in her nose. It was intoxicating. Something she was getting used to way too quickly and something she missed every morning that she woke up in her own, otherwise empty bed.

„Breakfast should be ready in ten," Tom told her, turning around and kissing her temple and then slowly, deliberately he captured her lips. „Good morning," he whispered against them, needing to do it properly.

„Hey," she whispered back, eyes closed, allowing herself to revel in the feel of his mouth on hers.

„You better get dressed, it's 8:30, don't wanna be late," he reminded her. It was becoming a routine, one that Tom disliked but a routine nonetheless. Olivia always left around nine to get back home to Noah and spend the weekend with him.

„Don't rush me," Olivia complained, stealing half a cherry tomato and popping in her mouth, the sweet juice spreading in her mouth.

„Somebody's gotta rush you," Tom chuckled. „I'm not the one complaining when you're late," he reminded her, putting some butter int he pan. „What are you and the Munchkin going to do this weekend anyway?"

„Zoo," Olivia said, looking outside. „Unless it's going to rain, I'll have to come up with something else then. And you should put something on, the towel's distracting." She headed to the cupboard and got two cups, pouring both of them some coffee and opened the fridge. „You're out of milk."

„Shit. Erm… I think I have creamer somewhere."

„That's just disgusting," Olivia said, deciding to take her coffee black instead. Creamer reminded of her late nights at the precinct, back when she was still a Detective, and there was no milk to be found. Elliot and she had added it to the terrible, black brew out of sheer desperation because whatever the stuff at the office used to be back in the day, it sure as hell had nothing in common with halfway decent coffee.

„I'll go shopping later."

„That's not going to save my coffee now, is it?" Olivia asked, one eyebrow raised as if she was trying to challenge him.

„You're something else," Tom laughed. „I'll make sure to never run out of milk again on a Saturday morning, Ma'am." He watched Olivia lean back against his kitchen counter in only a t-shirt and panties, his gaze climbing up her incredibly long legs that never seemed to end. She blew her coffee and he grinned as he started to beat the eggs. „So, the Zoo. I bet he's excited." By now Tom knew that Noah loved the Zoo. If given a chance, he'd drag Olivia there on any given day."

„Yeah. He's been begging to go for three weeks now and I promised him today," Olivia explains, taking a careful sip.

„Bacon?"

„Please," Olivia agreed. It was almost embarrassing to realize that she only ever got a proper breakfast when she was at Tom's place. Back at home she usually only had some coffee, sometimes some fruit, but she rarely took the time to do breakfast.

Fifteen minutes later they both sat on his sofa, Olivia still in a tee and underpants, Tom by now fully dressed. Olivia picked at a cherry tomato, pushing it around on her plate. „I was wondering if… if anyone at school is aware of… you know… what's going on. Between us." She had been wondering about this for a week or two now, if he had mentioned something to someone. Anyone. They had been seeing each other for about two and a half months. At first Olivia had been worried someone might take notice that something was different between them, but they both were pretty good at acting normal in the mornings, so Olivia was convinced at least there were no other parents who had caught on to the fact Tom was seeing a parent.

„No, not yet," Tom said easily, but she definitely had his full attention now. „But it is something that I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Not today but within the next few weeks."

„I was just thinking that… I don't want this to cause problems for you, all of the secrecy. I wasn't sure what you are thinking about it."

Tom put his plate down although he was far from finished. „Okay, look: I think things are going really well for us." Tom started slowly. „We haven't really talked about _us_ and I didn't want to enforce a conversation before you were ready or at a time when you were still unsure." That had been the one thing Tom worried about constantly. Saying or doing something that would scare Olivia away, would cause her to hide inside some shell again that she wouldn't allow him into.

„They are. I think so, too. And I don't know if I… well, to be honest I didn't expect them to go so well and… I… I was thinking that if we do this, if we keep seeing each other and want to keep investing in this relationship, I think it would be good if we played with open cards when it comes to School. I don't want this to backfire on either of us if they figure it out by chance." She knew that Tom had double and triple checked that it was not against any school policies. There was nothing in his contract that said he can't date a parent, either. However that didn't mean they were completely off the hook. It might not have any labor law-related consequences for Tom, and they wouldn't kick Noah out of school, either but some people surely were not going to like it.

Tom looked at Olivia like she was a stranger, a woman so different from what he thought he knew by what she had just suggested. Of course it had crossed his mind countless times - tell his principal, his colleagues. It was the sound thing to do. But he hadn't thought that Olivia would be on board with making it official. „Are you sure? If I tell them, you realize the cat's out of the bag? No way to take it back?"

„Yeah, I know. I mean, nothing much is going to change for us. It's not like we're going to put on a show when I drop my child off at school," Olivia laughed at the absurdity of that idea.

Tom nodded slowly, but looked at her seriously, dropping a hand on her thigh. „Technically they could assign me a different class, Olivia." He didn't know if they would go through the trouble but it was a possibility.

„What? Just because…"

„They could reason that I'm biased when it comes to Noah. That I favor him. Some parents would certainly be concerned about that. I don't know if they are going to make any changes and I doubt it would be a rash decision but I think it's a possibility." He gently rubbed the skin of her thigh, looking at her apologetically. Maybe he should have made her aware of this much sooner, but before they had started seeing each other for real, he hadn't given it deep thought.

„Well… shit." She had feared something like this could happen but Tom actually saying it out loud made it more tangible. Noah could lose his teacher, a great teacher at that, and suddenly she felt incredibly selfish.

„Just changed your mind?" Tom asked gently. She sure had lost her appetite, putting her plate next to his on the coffee table and making a face that showed she wasn't happy with this kind of news.

„No, I just… I wish it would be easier. No threat of consequences for you or Noah… well, rather the whole class hanging over our heads."

„I'd hate to have to leave my class but-," Tom pulled her against him, kissing her temple. „I think if they make me? It's going to be worth it. You're worth it to me, Olivia. I want this more than ever." He made a short pause to let her digest the words and understand he was willing to do whatever it took. „We'll do whatever you want to do. If you say you'd rather keep it under wraps for a little longer then we'll do that. If you think I should tell them…then I'll do it as early as next week."

Olivia turned her head, looking at Tom and ever so slowly she shook her head. It was strange how with him she felt some sort of belonging. Like she was part of something bigger, something better. Like she belonged here, belonged with Tom. Some days she wondered if the universe was throwing her a bone, giving her a break from all the dating and relationship drama she's endured in the past. She found a new comfort zone and thinking back that had always been an issue - finding some sort of comfort zone in a relationship. As if it had been engrained in Olivia to wait for the other shoe to drop, to watch it all go wrong blow up in her face. She couldn't pinpoint what was different, what had changed, that now she was not waiting for the crash and burn part. That she managed to relax and watch the landscape and enjoy the ride.

„Do you know that when you say things like that it makes leaving here really hard?" Olivia asked.

„Hard enough to convince you to stay?" Tom asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, knowing full well she couldn't. And he wouldn't ask her to earnestly, either. Noah came first, would always come first, they had both agreed on it and the weekends were mother and son time. He wouldn't make it hard on her by expecting her to choose.

„Almost," Olivia admitted, leaning in to kiss Tom, her hand cupping his cheek.

„Are you ever going to shave it off again?" The beard. She had gotten to know him without it and he had let it grow when Olivia had told him off.

„The beard? What, you don't like it?" He asked, chuckling. „I read that it'll make any guy a manly man," he joked.

„I do. I liked you without it, too. I was just wondering." She had really gotten used to it but there was a part of her that realized she had never touched his face when it was cleanly shaven.

„Want me to take it off? Because I could." Although he kind of liked that he only had to trim it once a week instead of shaving every morning.

Olivia thought about it for a moment, realizing that she'd probably miss his facial hair when he'd kiss her or whisper in her ear. „Nah, leave it," she decided with a soft smile. „And as for the school-," she took a deep breath and released it heavily. „You should tell them about us. I'd rather it come from you now than anyone else if we keep it under wraps for much longer."

„You sure?"

„Yeah, I'm sure," she assured, planting one more kiss on his lips. „And now I need to get dressed, I'm late." As always, she added in thought. She never made it out on time.

„You haven't even finished your breakfast."

„I know and you pointing it out makes me wanna be late but we both know you're going to tease me about it and I'll stress so I'm going to put on my clothes and freshen up and you get those tasty scrambled eggs out of my sight by the time I'm back," she decided, pushing herself up, but before she ever came to a firm stand Tom's arms wrapped around her hips and pulled her back down on the sofa, causing Olivia to cry out with surprise as she stumbled backwards and on top of Tom who shifted her off his lap and within seconds had her awkwardly pinned beneath his body. Olivia's left leg dangled off the couch and she laughed as she pushed her hands against his chest in a half-hearted attempt to push him away. „What are you doing?" She tried to pout but her voice was amusement as she felt Tom's lips on her collar bone. „I'm going to be…"

„Late. You're going to be late. I know," he told her as he raised his head to look her square in the eye before he kissed her mouth, and not just for a quick kiss like they had shared to say good morning.

„I haven't brushed my teeth," she complained, wiggling beneath his body but it was futile. Tom's weight kept her firmly in place.

„See if I care." His voice was a low rumble as he attached his lips to hers once more and kissed the invisible path down her throat as his erection started building and straining against Olivia's thigh and she really was running out of excuses. And God, she _wanted_ to run out of excuses.

„You're out of condoms," she reminded him as he left a wet trail on her neck as he worked up her t-shirt and one hand fondled her breast.

„Don't need one for this," he growled and within a second his hand was in her pants and made Olivia stop to argue.

„O-okay," she breathed, voice hoarse and shaking with the jolt of arousal it sent down her spine.

…

She was late, of course but this morning, instead of stressing and hurrying she walked home with a smile plastered on her face and taking her time, too. She could still feel a comfortable burn from Tom's fingers that had worked her over quite thoroughly. She couldn't remember when she had last had morning sex in a relationship, and quite frequently, too. Jesus, she had no idea when she had last truly _enjoyed_ morning sex because usually she had something work-related on her mind and it were moments like that when she truly did not want to be touched. But with Tom everything was different - for reasons Olivia didn't begin to understand. With him a quickie in the morning was absolutely great and nothing was further from her mind than work. Hell, even lying awkwardly on his couch with one leg dangling off the sofa and one thrown over the backrest as he made her whimper with his very - _very_ \- gifted hands seemed to be a perfect start to her day.

What she had with Tom felt solid, even though they had only been together for a little over two months. Solid enough that she agreed on him telling the principle of his school, Noah's school, consequence be damned. Tom wouldn't lose his job and Noah wouldn't lose his spot, everything else Tom assured her could be dealt with. And she believed him. She had encouraged him, and the surprising thing was that normally she wouldn't have. Hell, she had been with Tucker for longer and even when shit started hitting the fan and Olivia and Ed had both known it would have been the smarter decision to come clean and make their relationship common knowledge, she had stalled and decided not to. Until… well… until Rafael had put one and one together and blown the whistle on them, which had greatly impacted their friendship for a while because she had lied. Not as in telling the opposite of the truth, but by omission - at a time when she should have said _something_ on top of it. This time around the prospect of the people at Tom's school finding out didn't feel as threatening. Olivia didn't try to reason why it was a bad idea, why they should hold off for a little longer and then a little longer yet again. Maybe she wanted a clean vest this time around, no hiding, no pretending. While she hadn't really talked about Tom at work it had become common knowledge that she was dating someone and from time to time there was the occasional joke about how Olivia was probably going to get _lucky_ on the weekend because from what she heard she was wearing a bit of a stupid, love struck grin on her face on Fridays. Although she naturally argued it, she knew it was true. That grin was an actual thing. As were the weekends of _getting lucky_.

…

„Missing me already?" Tom had picked up on the third ring, surprised to see Olivia's name on pop up on the screen.

„Always," Olivia smiled against her phone, eyes trained on her son who was walking about fifty feet ahead.

„Where are you?"

„At the Zoo, Noah's dragging me to the snow monkeys just now," she clarified before she covered the speaker for a moment. „Noah, hold on. I want to see you, you hear me?" She perceived a slightly irritated ‚yes Mom', sighing into the phone. „I wish I could put him on a leash."

Tom laughed, conjuring up a mental image. Watching a child Noah's age could prove harder than herding cats, especially in an exciting environment like the zoo. „Sounds like someone's having fun," Tom teased but knew it sure wasn't Olivia.

„Very much so, I've had the pleasure of going to the 4D theatre three times, that includes waiting in line for twenty, thirty minutes each round, of course. Then there was crying because we've missed the penguin feeding, which naturally was my fault, because I did not tell him that he had to choose between either the theatre or the feedings. He could only be consoled with ice-cream," she said overly cheery although the only thing she felt was exhaustion. „Save me, please? My sanity's going out the window."

„Wish I could," Tom told her in a soothing voice. He wished there was something he could do to lend her more than an ear to listen but at this time he was offering what the situation allowed. He had thought about it, about when it would be the right time to meet Noah outside of school, to explain to him - although that was not his job, of course. It was Olivia's. Just as it was Olivia's decision to make when the time was right to involve her son. Each time he played with the thought of bringing the subject up Tom felt selfish. He had selfish motives after all, hadn't he? He wanted more time with Olivia, more than just an hour or, if they got really lucky, two after work once a week, more than the occasional lunch break she spent with him if her job allowed it and damn it, more than _just_ every other Friday Olivia spent the night at his place.

What Tom wanted was to be back in her apartment, to be surrounded by her things, inhale the rich scent lingering between the walls of her place, a scent that was so undeniably her and Noah that it made his skin crawl. What he wanted was to wake up in her bed, have breakfast at her breakfast bar, Noah included.

There were days when their Sunday mornings felt like stolen moments, like a break Olivia took from her actual life. Moments when he felt like an outsider, a welcome distraction to her although rationally Tom knew it wasn't like that. It just _felt_ like it. And that kind of feeling - it was a kick in the gut. He didn't tell Olivia any of it, of course because the memories of her fear of getting close was still there, still so transparent in his mind. He had felt how she had struggled not to get attached to him, to keep the lines clear and in place, to not overstep. Deep down Tom had known it all along and at the same time he had not wanted to see it, had looked away, driven by hopefulness that something might change, that whatever he'd do, say, try- that it would eventually be enough. Only it hadn't. And then it had.

Now they were writing their own book, slowly filling page by page. It was Olivia holding the pen, coming up with the plot. And sometimes it felt like Tom's hands were tied, that he had no say in how the story would progress, if it would be fast-paced or a slow burn.

Noah was the proverbial elephant in the room in their relationship and Tom didn't yet dare to bring it up and neither did he think Olivia wanted it to be brought up.

„Look, maybe I could… come over tonight. When Noah's asleep, I mean. We could watch a movie, just have a quiet evening." It was innocent enough. He didn't push anything, it was a simple suggestion to spend some time together and still stay under the radar.

„Uh-." It caught Olivia off guard, she hadn't expected for him to suggest he come over. Maybe because he never had before. She juggled the idea back and forth in her head. A quiet evening. A movie. He'd leave after. „Tom, I… I don't know. I mean, it could be hard to explain if Noah wakes up. Sometimes he needs to go to the bathroom or he just…" Her brow creased as she tried to make her explanation sound logical but in the end she knew it was a rebuff. Noah did wake up sometimes to go and pee, but it usually wasn't until midnight or after. The kid slept like a log once his eyes were closed.

„Yeah, yeah, you're right. Sorry, I wasn't thinking about that. Just figured…" He had expected this, hadn't he? That she'd tell him no. It wasn't that big of a surprise if he was being honest. And still it felt… funny. Like he was not wanted, had no place in this part of her life - the part where she wasn't at his place, ended up in his bed on a Friday night.

„Yeah. It's-," Olivia exhaled and suddenly called out, not remembering to cover the speaker of her iPhone. „Noah Porter Benson, what did I tell you about running off?"

„But I want to see the snow monkeys, mama!"

„And still I want to see you, no running off or else you'll stay right here by my side, got it?"

„Yes, mom," he sighed.

„Sorry ´bout that," she muttered, her breath weighted. „Erm… do you wanna grab lunch on Monday? Usual place?" It was a diversion tactic and Olivia was fully aware of it. She was uncomfortable when it came to discussing Noah, which was probably why they never really did it openly. They talked about Noah, of course. But never about when it would be the right time for Tom to meet him as the man by her side instead of just his teacher.

„Sure. Lunch sounds good," Tom said pensively, staring out his window. It was a matter of time, he told himself. But there was a war raging within him, because at the moment he was not fully convinced. Baby steps, he reminded himself. She had brought up the school this morning, had agreed that Tom should talk to his principal. That was definitely something, it _meant_ something. Olivia, just like Tom, wanted to keep investing in this relationship, she wanted to be with him, chose to be with him. Was it fair of him to fault Olivia because she wasn't ready to dive into this pool head first without looking left and right? Without being ready? He had known from the start that Noah was the biggest and most important factor in this equation and Olivia wouldn't allow him to get hurt. She'd only tell Noah once she was completely convinced that their relationship was solid, when she without a doubt thought it was going to last through foul weather, through fights, through hurt feelings. Love, he know, was a fickle thing sometimes.

 _You knew that_ , Tom kept telling himself. And it was reasonable. It was what he'd do if this was his child, wasn't it? He'd take whatever precautions necessary to make sure his child would not be overwhelmed or hurt. He should put on his big boy pants and not feel hurt because his girlfriend wasn't all gung-ho about telling her five-year old about his teacher being Mommy's special friend. After two and a half months on top of it. There was no place for his childish need to feel like a priority. It was not rational. Jesus, it was far from rational and yet…

 _I'm jealous of a five-year old. I'm jealous of Noah and of the majority of time he gets to spend with Olivia._

Fuck. He better never let anything on, he better not tell her that he felt burning jealousy when he thought of the domestic life she and Noah shared - a life he was not part of. That while she had dinner with her son, played with him, read him a bedtime story or visited the zoo with him, he wanted nothing more than to be there, too, be around, to _belong._

 _You're an asshole. You're a prick, Tetley. A thirty-seven year old man who's jealous of the love Olivia has for her son. Jealous because you know you can't ever, won't ever come first._

The realization was crippling. The dynamics Tom was used to from former relationships had been completely different. It had always been him and someone and it had been everything. Now he was a part of a 1000-piece puzzle, a footnote, someone that… didn't matter. Someone that he wondered would ever matter. How selfish could he be?

Noah was not a thorn in his side. Quite the opposite. He liked the kid, he really did. Was this insecurity born out of fear? Fear that Noah might not accept him outside of school? Fear that a five-year old's opinion could be make or break? And what if he didn't fit in? If he felt like he didn't fit into their life, that he'd forever be _just_ the boyfriend? Someone that didn't have a say, that was dependent on Olivia's decisions, Olivia's opinions, Olivia's will?

It should be talked about and yet he couldn't talk about it, could he? Maybe it was just another act of selfishness to need some reassurance. Tom was new to this. He never had dated a woman who had a kid, who was a mother. Someone who had responsibilities beyond her job. He had never been an afterthought and maybe he needed to get used to it, get the hell over it. These feelings were new and they were confusing but they needed to be dealt with. He didn't want to think like that, feel like that.

Maybe, he decided, he needed to talk to someone. Just get it out of his system, say it out loud between a few beers. Maybe it would be okay, fall into place if he acknowledge these confusing emotions.

He realized Olivia had spoken and he'd missed it as she was inquiring if he was still there.

„Yeah, I'm here. Sorry."

„So… Monday. I'll let you know when?" Olivia spoke softly, tentatively. It reminded him of words that tasted like promises when she would literally hang on his lips and he'd breathe them in, absorb them through his mouth until his belly was full and swollen with his girlfriend's sweet nothings.

„As always," Tom agreed, forcing a smile when Olivia couldn't even see it. Even he could hear that he sounded oddly detached.

„Tom-," Olivia asked gently. „You understand that it's nothing personal, right? About Noah…it's just.."

„Yeah. No. I mean… I understand, I do. Just miss you, you know?" _Selfish_ , the voice in his head whispered. _Look what a selfish little bastard you are._

„I miss you, too. We'll figure it out. I need some more time to… Maybe we should talk about this when we're in the same room. It's not a good conversation to have on the phone." She bit her bottom lip, her eyes trained on Noah who was out of ear shot.

„You're right. So, I'll see you on Monday for lunch, hopefully."

„Okay. Have a good weekend, yeah?"

„And you enjoy yours. Have you seen the snow monkeys yet?"

„Not yet but we're almost there."

„I like the snow monkeys," Tom said softly, trying to make up for things Olivia didn't even know he felt, things he couldn't even understand.

„I do, too," she smiled and breathed a ‚Goodbye' before she ended the call.

…


	32. Burn It Down

**Author's notes: This one is Tom Centric. As in no Olivia. At all.**

He had googled and spent at least four hours on _How to date a mom_ and he wasn't any wiser than before. It was all the same, things he had already known. That the children always come first, that single mothers have full, stressful lives and that it's definitely going to be a slow process. He almost googled _I'm jealous of my girlfriend's child_ but refrained, scared that even with the anonymity of the internet it was a deal breaker, some sort of deathly sin. The scary part was that Tom had no idea if he simply wanted to spend more time with Olivia, time that included Noah, or if the jealousy would stick with him once he was going to be a figure in Noah's personal life. What if it was going to intensify tenfold? What the hell should he do if seeing Noah and Olivia together was going to mess with him even more? He couldn't tell her that he had jealousy issues. If Tom knew one thing it was that she'd be gone before he had even finished _trying_ to justify these crazy emotions. So, eventually he had caved and gone to visit the one person who knew him better than anyone, maybe better than Tom knew himself. Becca knew how to give a proper reality check and she'd be straight with him, no sugar-coating, no sweet words - just the truth. So sitting on her sofa after a week of driving himself mad Tom nursed his beer. His fourth to be exact. He'd crash in the guest room like he often did because he hated to take the late train back to the city. He felt Rebecca's eyes on him and he knew she was waiting, knew she had already sensed that something was up, it only needed to be verbalized. Then he watched her facial expression change and he counted down the seconds, knowing full well she was the one to crack first. She always was.

„Okay, what the hell's going on? Did you and Olivia break up? Is that it? It didn't work out?" She doubted it, because from past experience she figured he'd be devastated and while something was undeniably off it wasn't devastation that had been radiating off of her brother for the past two hours. He was unusually non-chatty, almost brooding.

„No, we're fine. I actually told people at work about us. It went quite well considering," he told her, staring at the Heineken label that he had started to peel off.

„And she was okay with that?"

„Yeah, she steered the conversation towards work. Said it was better if they heard from me. I mean, I wanted to talk to her about it, just stalled a bit, you know? Not sure if it was the right time to bring it up," Tom admitted. With Olivia he never really knew. Maybe he simply needed to grow a pair.

„Tom?" Becca's voice nudged him. „What is it?" There was something in his silence, in the things her brother didn't say and she figured he had either screwed up big time, or he was embarrassed.

„I think I'm completely screwed up. I'm starting to… I don't know why or how but I feel jealous of… her kid. Noah. He's a sweet boy, he's… Okay what's so funny?" He asked, irritated as his sister started laughing and snorting apologies, unable to stop herself. Tom's face tensed, because yes, it was stupid and probably completely unfounded and irrational. But saying it out loud to someone, confiding even the most irrational of feelings to Rebecca, was tough and her laughing down on him hurt. „Wow, thanks," he bit out.

„No-," Becca laughed, slowly taking a breath. „Oh God, sorry, it's not you, it's just… this must be some kind of guy thing because I swear, Walt was boiling with jealousy, still is sometimes because of how close Abigail and I are." The first six months had been especially rough on her husband, when he had thought he couldn't admit to how he felt, what was bothering him and it slowly drove a wedge between them. And while at first Becca had a hard time taking it seriously, she realized that a lot had changed, not only for her, but for Walt as well. They were no longer just two people, they were parents. Something greater had entered their life, something beyond understanding and reason. Nothing seemed to matter as much as that tiny girl that was their daughter, every routine, everything about them had changed. And while Rebecca has had a hard time adjusting to the long nights that came with too little sleep and too many interruptions to nurse or the tears she had shed over her suddenly non-existent social life, Walt had mourned that he was no longer the most important person in his wife's life, that priorities have irrevocably shifted with the birth of his daughter.

„But Abbie's Walt's child. It's… different," Tom shook his head.

„If you ask me that only makes it sound more fucked up," she shrugged, taking a swig from her bottle. „Seriously, I think it's… not surprising. It's something you'll get used to, though. Probably just takes time."

„What if it's not normal? What if I'll always feel that way? I mean - he's five years old, he's hers, he's dependent on her, I get that. And still I have this irrational feeling that… I don't even know. There's not an actual word to how it feels." The best Tom could compare it to was the time he really, really wanted that Nintendo 64 when he was ten years old. He had begged and begged to no avail at all. And then Kevin DeBurke, one of Tom's best friends had gotten the game console and he had felt burning jealousy, so much so, that he had wanted to break the stupid device. Not that he wanted to break Noah, hell no, he wasn't a total asshole. But sometimes… sometimes in these past six days he had wished Olivia didn't have a son, wished he could have Olivia all to himself. And Jesus, he had felt ashamed beyond words. The thought had given him a scare and made his heart race and he never, never wanted to think something so cruel again. Only he had little control over it. It was a recurring thought that sparked for just a second and each time Tom regretted it terribly and instantly. Jesus, Noah was the sole reason Tom had even met Olivia. If it wasn't for her child their paths would have never crossed. Yeah, he was fucked up alright these days.

„If you should always feel that way… you should leave it be. But you won't, Tom. I really don't think you will feel like this for very long. You and Olivia are still fresh, it's been what? Two, three months?" Rebecca made a rough estimate. „You said she works all hours sometimes, has little time to herself, then there's a child involved - you both have your hands full in this situation and need to learn to navigate first."

„Yeah, but jealousy over her child? Because he gets to spend so much time with her?" He wrestled with the guilt, pinching his nose.

„Look, when Walt and I have been together for quite awhile and I got to know his parents better? I mean, you know him and his mother are close, pretty much like you and I are close to Mom, right? I was jealous. He never even put Evelyn first, he wasn't agreeing to everything his mother said but just the fact that they were so close drove me insane and I fell asleep each night thinking that I hated that bitch although she was a perfectly nice woman who seemed to really like me. Sometimes we humans are screwed up creatures, Tommy and sometimes there's just no explanation to why we feel a certain way. You _know_ it's irrational, it'd be worrisome if you didn't and felt justified," Becca shrugged easily.

„You can't compare a child to your mother-in-law. Don't all women hate their mother-in-law?" Of course it was an exaggeration. Not everyone hated their in-laws but it was so cliché that Tom had to bring it up.

„But I don't. Hate her, I mean. I thought I did but it was just because of a bond that I didn't understand although it's similar to the one we have with Mom. Just like our brothers and Walt will never truly understand that bond between us. They never had a twin, they can't know. And you know, I'm pretty sure each of them has been jealous of it at some point in their lives."

„They can't know," Tom repeated pensively. „I'll never know."

„Huh?"

„What it's like to have that bond with a child - my child," Tom pointed out stiffly and then quickly took a gulp of beer to drown the stray thought. Where had that even come from all of a sudden?

„Shit, Tom - I'm sorry. You know that's not what I tried getting at." Stupid comparison to bring up inexplicable ties. She should have known how close to home it could hit for him.

„Maybe that's the thing. Maybe I'm feeling like this because they have something I'll never have, something I'll never be part of. Not really. I thought… when I started seeing Olivia I thought it was perfect, Becca. She no longer wants children, probably can't even have them anymore. I couldn't possibly give her one. There's nothing she'd have to forgo for me. And I… I figured maybe it's going to be good to be there for her son, who is a great kid, really. I adore him as far as being his teacher goes, he's easily one of my favorites, just something about him. But what if I can't deal with it, Becs? What if it's never going to be enough, if I'm going to resent the fact that she has a child that's in no way mine? What if I'm going to resent _him_ for being something I'll never have?" He stared at the wall, exhaling shakily. „Shit, I didn't just say that, did I? What kind of person says something like this or thinks he could possibly resent a child they _like_?"

Rebecca shook her head, hard. She had never heard Tom talk about the fact he can't have children, at least not like this. There had been the occasional mention of it, often overplayed by a joke that wasn't even funny but this one - it hurt to hear, hurt to truly realize how much of a struggle it still was for her brother. „Tom, honey… hey," she said, trying to get his attention. „It's okay to worry about these things. Hell, I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you and I understand that there is a difference but Tommy, blood isn't all that matters, okay? And I- hey," she said gently, watching him pinch his eyes as his chin started to quiver under the weight of his emotions. „I know you, Tom. Okay? I think I know you better than anyone, just as you do me and you are not the kind of person who's going to resent a little boy, no matter the reason, no matter how much life's screwed you over and cheated you out of ever experiencing fatherhood by biology."

Tom scoffed at the simplicity Becca spoke with. Yes, she knew him. Knew him well. But she couldn't possibly know him well enough to estimate what he was capable of feeling in any given situation. He was not that see-through, not even to his twin sister.

Hell, at this point he felt like he didn't even know himself any longer. Was this him? Jealous of a five-year old? Scared that instead of learning to love a child he already liked and cared about, he'd end up resenting him, possibly _hating_ him because of his own shortcomings?

 _Fuck._

For the past four years Tom had slept in a nicely made bed of pretend. He had been fine, hadn't he? He had come to accept that he wasn't going to pass on his genes, have children of his own; no big deal.

He slumped forward, the beer bottle dangling from his thumb and index-finger. His throat was clogged, all choked up and at the same time he felt an emptiness he hadn't allowed himself to fall victim to ever since he had moved to New York. He had at some point convinced himself that it was best to lock out the sadness and desperation, the haunting reality. And now Tom swore he could hear his heart cracking in his chest, could barely remember how to breathe.

He felt the sofa sag beneath him as Rebecca came over to him, rubbing the back of his neck. „Jesus, I'm sorry, Tommy."

He tried his damndest to fight the tears that pooled behind his closed eyes, shaking his head. He tried to feel the ground beneath his feet, the cool tiles of his sister's living room, trying to somehow ground himself and just breathe. Opening his mouth Tom realized that no sound came out and his mind drew a blank. He didn't know _what_ to say. What was there to say?

„Could you say something? Anything? Because… you know, I don't handle this kind of thing well," Rebecca started, nervously biting her bottom lip. She hadn't ever seen him like this, at least not over the fact he can't procreate.

„Shit Becs, I can deal with not being a father. Somehow. I think I can. But I couldn't live with myself if I took it out on Noah, if only internally. If I'd…" There was a sound that sounded like a laugh and a sob at the same time, making Rebecca swallow hard as she petted her brother's back in a gesture of support.

„Okay. Okay, I get that. But I really don't think it's going to come down to you taking _anything_ out on Olivia's son. You said it yourself, you like him, he's one of your favorites in class, and I'm pretty sure that's not because you're dating his mother." She remembered how Tom had once confided in her when he had first started working as a teacher, telling her how there was this kid he couldn't stand. That it's something they were taught in college, that there would always be children they liked better than others, that there might be children they'd never find access to and they still had to treat them the same as everyone else. And one sentence had stuck out to her. Once he liked a child, he could never dislike it. Because that is who Tom was, the kind of person he would always be. If he liked someone it was forever. If he loved someone, he'd never truly despise the person.

„´course not. He's a great kid."

„See. He's a great kid. You're not going to let anything get in the way of that. You're not going to let a kid fight your battles and you're not going to fight your personal battle against a kid."

The words hung in the air and the prospect that Becca could be wrong was nauseating. Rubbing his empty palm across his face Tom cleared his throat, telling himself to get a grip.

„Maybe you should talk to her, you know? This isn't something that's concerning you alone," Rebecca encouraged gently, but Tom merely scoffed and frowned. At least he lifted his head and looked at her with swimming eyes.

„She'd walk away, Becca. She's not… this is her son we're talking about. Hell, if roles were reversed and she'd come around with something like that? I'd get the hell out of dodge."

„Does she know? That you can't have kids?"

„Yeah, but that's about all she knows and all she needs to know about it. `s not gonna change a thing if I tell her how and why," he chuckled humorlessly.

„You get how that's a little fucked up coming from someone who's all for talking and honesty, yeah?"

„That's different," he sighed, holding up his bottle, realizing it was time for another beer.

„No, it's not. It matters, Tom."

„How? How does it matter, Rebecca? It's not like we're going to have children, she doesn't want any more so what's the point of her listening to the sob story of my emasculation?" He laughed now and nothing about it was funny. If anything it scared the hell out of Rebecca because her brother was not a cynic. „Fuck."

„How about you stop that? You gotta be… you don't really think that, do you? I mean, Jesus Tom, you can't possibly think that it makes you less of a man." She wondered if it was her brother or the alcohol talking but then it's only been four beers and she knew Tom tolerated more. How had she missed this? How did everyone think he was doing okay, that he was doing just fine with his infertility? She should have known that seven years of knowing, seven years of clarity hadn't made it any easier. Hell, she and Walt had been trying for two years with Abigail and the worry that something might not be quite right had eaten away at her with the start of every cycle. She had thought about it then. What she'd do if they got a similar diagnoses and that alone had scared the hell out of Rebecca. She couldn't imagine to never have any children then and she couldn't imagine now, especially since she's had the baby. Her baby.

„You know there's gotta be some truth to it, Rebecca," he hissed, putting the bottle on the coffee table much more forcefully than he had intended, feeling his sister jump in her spot. „There's a reason things have gone to shit with Sarah after…-," he swallowed audibly, his breath shaky as his hand was still wrapped around the bottleneck in a firm grip. „When I told her it was the beginning of the end. I could feel it, you know? How she looked at me differently. How it kept her awake at night. She resented me for it, Becca. You know it and I know it. And you know what? I _wanted to_ resent her, too. I've tried like hell to resent her, but how was I supposed to do that when it was all on me?"

„Tom…"

„Oh please, you know it, don't you? You always knew."

„She didn't resent you, she just couldn't deal with it," Rebecca tried to reason with him. „It hasn't been easy on either of you."

„You knew, Rebecca," Tom whispered, a tear finally spilling over and he used his sleeve to brush it off roughly. Not Becs. Not Becca but Rebecca. „Didn't you? You knew she's been fucking him for close to three years. She's started to fuck him what? A couple of months after I broke the news?"

Rebecca scrunched her closed eyelids, feeling every word as if it was a stab. There wasn't any denying it but she wondered how he knew and more importantly for how long he had known.

„How'd you know?" Rebecca whispered into the room that was filled by Tom's heavy breathing and the poisonous truths he had spoken after all these years.

He chuckled, deciding he needed another drink for this. „Maybe because when she started fucking him, she stopped fucking me. And then there was that message you left on our answering machine when I was supposed to be Upstate for extended vocational training." He looked at his sister, seeing the wheels turning. „We had a voicemail system, I probably got the message long before Sarah ever heard it."

„And you never said anything? Why on earth…"

„Did you? You knew all along, Rebecca. And you sat it out until I caught them, until I couldn't look away anymore and reason that she loved me, that it was going to be okay. Jesus, I even took part of the blame, telling _everyone,_ our friends, our family, that it wasn't just her doing. How - how I didn't really want to see our problems or didn't take them quite as seriously and apart from not being able to impregnate her I've never created a fucking problem, if anything I ignored the fact she was screwing Lucas for three goddamn years, Becca. Three goddamn years when she would let me touch her two, three times a year, because ‚What's the point', right?" He asked, looking his sister dead in the eye with his quote.

„Tom," Rebecca merely whispered, feeling physically sick. She had no idea that he had ever heard the message she had left for Sarah on the answering machine, leave alone the texts she had sent her when his ex had decided to go out of her way to ignore Rebecca.

„Don't tell me it never made me less of a man, because within the blink of an eye I've become undesirable to the woman who claimed she loved me, the woman I once loved. You kept her secret - or what you thought was a secret, so what does that say about your thoughts on it? Huh? Why don't we get that sorted out, Becca? What do you think?"

He pushed himself off the sofa, walking towards the small liquor cabinet to grab a tumbler and something much stronger than beer.

„I _never_ thought anything like that, Tom, and you better know it. I've wanted to tell you, I _should have_ told you."

He turned around, staring at her for a long moment. „Then why didn't you?" Tom hissed. Because it would have confirmed what Sarah thought, too. Would have confirmed Rebecca was thinking the same thing. That he was no longer man enough. He scoffed when she didn't answer instantly and poured vodka into his glass, taking four sips straight before he hissed from the burn it left in his throat. He heard his sister snivel but refused to look at her.

„I didn't want to be the one to break your heart," Rebecca said shakily, her voice just above a whisper. „And Sarah knew it. She dared me to tell you when I kept pushing and threatening. I should have told you, I wanted to tell you so many times but whenever it came down to it I couldn't." She closed her eyes, pressing out the tears that had inevitably formed.

„Funny thing, isn't it? Who the hell was your loyalty with, Becca?" He sounded broken. Tom had once sworn himself to never have this conversation, never bring it up. And yet here they were, seven years later.

„It wasn't with her. You have got to know that."

„No? That's surprising because that'd make sense. Figured it's some kind of girl code. You don't tell on her, she don't tell on you…," he spat but regretted it instantly. This was not something he had the right to drag up and throw in his sister's face but he was blind with anger. Anger he had suppressed for too many years. Nearly forgotten memories resurrected in an instant. Rebeccas gasp echoed in his ear. They had officially entered dangerous territory.

„Fuck you, Tom," she sniveled after the words had hit and sunken in.

He had never felt uglier, never felt like such a goddamn bastard, but he didn't want to admit that. He didn't hate Rebecca, had never hated her, never would. But God, he had been angry then and he was angry now and maybe it was about time that certain things came to the surface.

„Yeah well, fuck you too," he said calmly, finishing his drink. He breathed heavily during his refill. He heard his sister softly sobbing and he knew that the last time he had seen her cry must have been in their teenage years. It was no secret that Rebecca had always been the strong one, the tough cookie, hardest nut to crack and he was just as proud of her internal strength as Becca herself. He figured it was true what his mother once told them when they were still kids, probably not older than nine years old.

 _Nothing and nobody's ever going to hurt either of you like you can hurt each other, I think. So as long as you protect each other, you'll also protect yourself._

It had been said after a fight in which words had wounded much more than hitting, kicking and hair pulling. All of it over a simple sentence he had hurled at his sister.

 _I hate you and I wish you had never been born._

With his breath trapped in his lungs Tom slowly turned and waited a beat before he walked over, holding out the drink to Rebecca in silent offering, knowing words couldn't be undone, but a drink could be their bandaid of choice like it had so many times in the past. Only that they hadn't clawed at each other's souls then, they hadn't insulted, hadn't intended to hurt. Not like tonight.

Squinting at the tumbler Rebecca accepted the drink, downing it in one long gulp.

…

A long drag of the cigarette he was holding between two fingers made him feel oddly calm. He blew out the smoke, watched the wind carry it through the dark and vanish.

„Do you hate me?" The words were spoken with resignation after silence had ruled for the past twenty, maybe thirty minutes. It was one of many attempts at a conversation that Rebecca had directed at Tom, but only this one stirred something within in.

„I've never hated anybody, I think." He realized that it didn't answer his sister's question, not really. He has never really hated. Past tense. A few beats of silence followed as he inhaled deeply once more, greedily sucking the smoke of the Lucky Strike into his lungs. „I don't hate you."

His phone beeped with a text message but just like the call he had gotten about ten minutes ago, he ignored it. Ignored Olivia.

„Maybe you should call her," Rebecca suggested, igniting another cigarette.

„Why do you think it's her?" Although his sister was spot on Tom scoffed.

„Something about the way you looked at the screen, debating if you should take the call."

„There's a certain way I look at the screen? Seriously now?"

Rebecca shrugged, shuffling a foot. „You love her, don't you?"

„Don't. Not tonight," he gruffly spoke into the dark. He couldn't go back to being _them_ just yet. It would take some time and patience, some picking up the pieces.

„You might not want to hear it or even believe it but I was never on her side, Tom. My loyalty was never with Sarah." Tom heard Rebecca's voice crack at the end.

„It wasn't with me either, Becca," he whispered heavily. „I needed it to be with me because I… I couldn't either, do you understand that? I had the rug pulled out from under me and it wasn't much later when I realized she was-," Tom sighed, staring at his cigarette. „You are my person, Becca. I needed you to be my person then and you… where were you?"

„I was… I was trying to figure out how to be your person in this. Because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. And maybe there was some part of me that had hoped… that it was going to be okay and she'd come to her senses."

„You know what's funny? For as long as we were talking alternative options to have a child? I would have stayed. And I don't even think I loved her anymore."

„Why would anyone do that?"

„At the time I didn't want to destroy anyone's dream of having children ever again," he admitted. „I never wanted to be looked at like Sarah looked at me again."

„You never told me that, either. If you had…"

„Yeah well… It's not like it would have changed anything, huh?"

„I don't know. Maybe not," Rebecca sighed. „How did you know? Was it the message I left? Did you hear it from me first?"

„There was a box of Trojans in her purse." His hands had been shaky as he had found them. He had tried to reason that there was an explanation. Some sort of logical explanation. „Couple of months later she'd gone back on the pill. When I asked her about it she said it helped with her menstrual cramps," he chuckled sadly. „Then there was the new lingerie every few weeks that she never modeled for me. Days she suddenly had to work late… and later and later," he trailed off. „I think she didn't even _try_ to hide it. Probably waited for me to figure it out and end it, take the decision off her." He sounded completely void of emotion towards the end of his recount of events. As he finished his cigarette, Tom bowed his head. „I'm sorry about what I said."

„I know."

„I didn't mean it."

„I know."

The words scattered in the night, weighing more than any outsider would ever know, ever understand. There were hopefulness and promises hidden in plain sight, only for them to see and discover. They didn't need more words, no lengthy apologies, because words would never convey what Rebecca and Tom knew best deep inside.

„I do," he quietly said, looking at his sister. _Love her._

 _I do love Olivia._

There is the warmth of her hand on the small of his back, then Rebecca's head that comes to rest against his shoulder and a whisper that Tom isn't sure came from her or the gentle lullaby of the wind. _„I know."_


	33. Communication

**Author's note: Thank you for 200 reviews, this is amazing guys. I always love to read your feedback and see what you think, also how you come to like/love Tom (and I love him, too, I really do).**

 **...**

 _Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick. Tock._

Something was off. Olivia couldn't say what it was but ever since she had last spent time with Tom two weeks ago something was off. There had been a shift she must have missed between then and now, between them having lunch on a Monday afternoon and this Friday night, eleven days later. Tom had been quiet all evening. There had been no laughing, no joking. He barely even smiled and she wondered if Thanksgiving with his family had been a disaster. But then it didn't feel like the shift had taken place yesterday. Ever since she had tried to reach him last Friday and he had only gotten back to her two days later on Sunday morning she had been feeling nervous.

 **Tom 10:12 AM**

 _Sorry, missed your call. See you Friday?_

That had been it. Tom hadn't even given her the courtesy of calling her back. Instead he had dropped a simple text message. No explanation as to why it took him so long to reach out to her when usually he was quick to phone her after a missed call. No inquiry as to how she was doing, what she'd been up to, if she had been called in to work with it being her on-call weekend. No nothing.

 _Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock._

Olivia could literally hear the seconds tick by in the thick silence. They had watched a movie, the credits had rolled and Tom hadn't made a move to turn the DVD player off or switched to TV mode. He just sat there, staring at nothing in particular, not saying a damned word.

And what was worse - he hadn't even kissed her properly upon her arrival. A quick peck to her lips, nothing further. No explanation, no questions.

There were scenarios going through Olivia's head, one more confusing than the other. Maybe he had decided that something was missing for him, that whatever it was, it wasn't enough for him to want to continue being with her. Or maybe he had gone out, a night on the town with his friends, a drink or two too many, someone who's caught his eye. A decision that came with regret a few hours later.

 _Tick. Tock._

„Tom?"

He startled and his eyes found hers in an instant in the dimly lit room and in them she saw confusion and… guilt? Was it guilt? Damn, she used to be better at this. Better at reading perps. _Perps._ Jesus, Tom was probably the farthest from a predator she had ever seen, so what the hell?

„Sorry, what did you say?" He sounded out of it. He even looked out of it, like he had lost connection to the here and now, to reality. Olivia doubted he had paid any attention to the movie. Uncharacteristically, he had not even paid attention to her. Normally, Tom would have held her hand, gently stroked her arm, kissed her every now and then. Normally he would have asked if she wanted something - a drink, something to munch on. Tonight however he just sat there not doing anything.

„Do you want to tell me what's going on?" She prodded him gently, eyes inquisitive but also fearful about what was to come. After not really hearing from Tom all week outside of the couple of minutes she saw him in the morning, she had been half afraid he'd tell her they needed to talk when she showed up here. And she still felt no more secure. Did he still try to figure out how to break the news? What words to say, what explanations to give? Was he actually going to break up with her?

He couldn't. Olivia decided that it would border on one hundred percent cruelty to invite her in and sit through an entire movie with her if he wanted to tell her goodbye and show her the door for good.

At least she finally seemed to have gotten Tom's full attention. „I'm sorry. It's not you," he apologized as he reached out and rubbed his hand down Olivia's thigh.

„Okay, then what? Did something happen?" She couldn't stand the silence. Since they've been together she couldn't remember that it has ever been this quiet between the two of them. Olivia's eyes remained focused on Tom and he took a sharp breath.

„It's… nothing that you should worry about."

„But it is. You're not yourself today. Actually, I think you haven't been yourself all week and it _is_ worrying me." And how could it not? It felt like an entirely different person was sitting next to her, someone she didn't recognize.

„It's nothing, Olivia. Really," he tried to assure, squeezing her jean-clad thigh but nothing about it felt reassuring to Olivia. He didn't smile, he didn't even sound optimistic or like he could shake whatever happened off. Her heart sank with heaviness.

„What did you do last Friday if I may ask? I mean… we haven't really talked. Was your weekend okay? Work okay?" She was officially not able to take it anymore and needed some answers to the nagging questions she had been asking herself all night, all week if she was being honest.

„Nothing much, actually," Tom said around a tight smile that didn't reach his eyes and Olivia internally debated if she should keep on pushing or simply keep her mouth shut as the scenarios kept overlapping in her mind.

„Okay. I thought maybe you've been busy because you only got in touch on Sunday after I called and texted Friday. You had me worried then," Olivia said. It had been strange. On any normal day Tom called her back within an hour or if he couldn't at least he sent a message to ask what's going on. She knew he had read the text because it was marked both received and read. She had been checking her phone countless times on Saturday and the worry had been a distraction. She had wanted to call him again but ultimately she didn't want to act like the crazy new girlfriend who demanded he get in touch with her pronto. Olivia had seen by the messenger service they used that his phone had been in use the whole time, that he had been online at all times of the day. She had felt ignored, excluded. And truthfully, there had been alarm bells going off because she's heard countless stories of women who've suddenly found themselves trapped in a relationship with some narcissistic pig who managed to make them feel awful and blame it all on them, too. Olivia had told herself to tread carefully at least. Because when it came down to it, Tom was still a person she had only known for about six months, had been seeing for about three. „Call it an occupational disease," she attempted a joke, chuckling unconvincingly. This wasn't an interrogation, she only wanted to get an idea what was going on all of a sudden, because Tom obviously was not willing to let her in on why he was behaving so funny. Not an interrogation, she kept telling herself. Was she overstepping? Should she simply leave him be? Give him space that he obviously needed, maybe even _wanted?_

„Let's not get into this. How about we head to bed. It's late, you must be tired." It was said without innuendo, without esperance for more to happen and that was probably the oddest of all things. Under normal circumstances Tom wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of her after a long week of not seeing each other, not touching her at all. Tonight he was completely indifferent to her presence and proximity, indifferent that they'd share a bed. It made her stomach tighten and churn because he didn't even _try_ to reassure her. Olivia looked down at her hands, taking a slow breath and closed her eyes, daring to simply ask. If he'd feel insulted she was going to deal with it, she could deal with it, but by God, if she didn't get any clarity now she was going to lose her mind.

„Was there someone else? Is that it? Did you… Friday… did you sleep with someone else? Because I'd rather you tell me- this is driving me insane, Tom. What…I don't understand what's happening here."

„What?" He asked, staring at her for a moment before he chuckled in disbelief and got up. „Seriously, Olivia? You think I've what? Was alone on a Friday night and went on the prowl and found someone to cheat on you?" She could hear anger in his voice, in the way he was taking in air. She saw it in the erratic movement he combed his fingers through his light ginger hair. „This is just getting better and better," he mumbled to himself and just as unexpectedly as his anger had sparked, it was gone as quickly.

„I don't know what to think. I have no idea what the hell is going on here, Tom and honestly it's… it's scaring me. You have ignored me all evening, hell, you've decided to ignore my call and text for two days and didn't even call me back and that's not you, or if it is then I don't think I've ever known you. And I don't think it's entirely fair to me. I was looking forward to tonight. I really was, but this… this kind of hurts, you know? If you don't want to talk to me, okay. But… but tell me what you need. Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to leave, give you space? Because I can give yo space, all you gotta do is say the word."

„I don't need space. If I didn't want you here, I would have asked you to stay home tonight. I just…"

„Do you need to reconsider this relationship? Didn't the School take it as well as you first said or thought? Is it something I said? Something I've done? Because I'm told that I push people away sometimes or say stupid things that maybe I'm not always aware of in the moment I said them-," she tried, looking at him for some sort of reassurance. It wasn't even true. She was hyper aware of the things she said, especially when they were stupid or hurtful.

„Olivia, this is nothing to do with you okay. I…" he sighed heavily and paced the living room for a few moments before he sat back down on the sofa, heart constricted. „I was with Becca last Friday. We had a fight and I said something… beyond stupid," he finally admitted. „And I'm not sure I can ever make good for it."

As the words tumbled from his lips Olivia could barely restrain a sigh of deep relief inside. She almost wanted to ask if that was all but realized that it must have been a pretty nasty fight if it had such troubling effect on Tom. And then it was his twin sister, at this point in his life probably the most important person in his life. No matter what Tom was talking about in their conversations, Rebecca was at least mentioned ninety percent of the time. She was a part of him, the twin, the best friend, that special person everyone desired to have in life. With softening facial features, Olivia's brows straightened as she took Tom in. „I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm sure-," she stopped mid-sentence, deciding that she knew too little to make it sound like nothing, or at least something that was going to be alright. „Have you talked about it?" In an instant Olivia realized she needed to be supportive because Tom was distraught, emotionally on edge. Reaching for his hand, Olivia gently squeezed it, encouraging him to talk.

Tom's lips were pursed to a flat line as he nodded his head slowly. „I'm not sure that made it much better. It's not like we haven't fought in the past but this time…"

„Sometimes people say stupid things, especially during a fight, Tom. It's all flying tempers and a loss of control and before you know it something hurtful has been said. And I am sure Rebecca knows that, too," Olivia tried softly.

„It wasn't like that. Not this time. I… I knew what I was going to say before I said it. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to feel- just for a second I wanted," he huffed over his own stupidity that night.

„Okay," Olivia whispered, understanding better than Tom could know. She had been there, had done the same thing, mostly in her late teenage years. She had hauled insults at her mother aiming to wound, to hurt as much as humanly possible. Serena Benson had made Olivia see red plenty of times, and just as often Olivia had attacked verbally, blaming everything that had ever gone wrong in her life, starting with her piss poor existence through rape, on her mother, and God, she had done it well. Horribly well. But she also reasoned that Tom couldn't possibly have been as cruel as she herself had been towards her mother. Not a chance in hell. Somehow she wanted to make him see that. Some things had to be put into perspective, some needed a little time, and some weren't quite as bad as one thought to begin with. „So yesterday's been rough, I suppose? Sitting through dinner with her? Did you part on bad terms?" Tom, as every year, had gone to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Even his oldest brother had flown in to spend the holiday with the Tetley's. From what Tom had shortly mentioned on Monday it was a huge annual thing at his parent's house.

„She wasn't there," Tom said heavily, grabbing a clump of hair on the back of his head. „Walt stopped by with Abby, stayed for an hour to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Said Becca wasn't feeling well."

„So maybe she really wasn't feeling well," Olivia suggested. „I'm sure otherwise her husband wouldn't have come, right," she smiled hopefully.

Tom scoffed softly and shook his head no. Walt had no idea, because the thing he had said, the unthinkable insult, was something Rebecca's husband wasn't aware of, something she swore Tom to secrecy about because Walt could _never_ know. Just as he himself should have never known, but the events of that night had everything to do with Tom and he was her person, her sounding board, the shoulder to cry on, no matter the crime. „I believe she hasn't been feeling well, but it's from what I said, Olivia. I know it is."

„What could've been that bad?" Olivia prodded, stroking his cheek as she leaned into him with her whole bottle.

He looked at her but didn't utter a word. Olivia only saw his shoulders sag with what she interpreted as defeat as he eventually winced under inquiring eyes. „It's a long story that includes her lying to me for about three years - not by telling the opposite of the truth but by omission. I guess it also includes that I've lied to you about something," he admitted, feeling pangs of conscience gnawing at his insides.

Olivia's eyebrows scrunched up quizzically, not quite understanding. „To me? About…I mean, why would you do that?" And what about - wasn't that the king of all questions? What had Tom told her that wasn't the truth? While she herself had not always been acting like a saint Olivia could at least say that she had never lied to Tom.

„Out of habit, I guess. It's probably not going to make much of a difference because it has nothing to do with us, nothing with you and me. But I am sorry," he offered an honest apology.

„Okay. So what did you lie about?"

Tom sucked in a breath and released it shakily, scratching his beard uncomfortably. „My ex and I…" He made a pause, juggling words in his head, trying to decide what to say and how to say it.

„So… she didn't cheat on you?" Olivia raised an eyebrow in question when he took his time, deciding if he had made that part up it was a really fucked up thing to do to make himself look like a saint. Maybe it had been him who had the affair instead of his ex. Or he wanted to make her sound like a bitch, God knew.

„She did. But we didn't have problems that I didn't see that… made her do it. How that sounds, right? As if anybody can make anyone do anything as long as there's a free will involved," he snickered humorlessly.

„I'm not sure I understand," Olivia said, even more confused than before.

„Sarah had an affair and it started shortly after she… after we found out I couldn't give her children. And I don't know a whole lot about it all but… I think in her eyes I was no longer man enough," he admitted quietly, trying to sum up from what he had gathered from texts he had read. „That's basically what she wrote in a text. So, the affair? I've known about it pretty much from the start and so did Becca. She didn't know that I knew but I knew she knew," he rambled. „And she never told me. I played pretend, acted like I didn't see it. I didn't want to see it because for maybe two, two and a half years? I really loved her still, no matter what. I would have started a family with her, I kept hoping she'd…" He laughed sadly, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. „I never realized how pathetic it sounds."

„It doesn't," Olivia whispered, shaking her head. Her right hand wrapped around Tom's wrist, holding it tightly. „Trust me it doesn't. If anything sounds pathetic it's your ex." She was relieved that it was not something major he had lied about. This one easily counted as a white lie, something that was forgivable, something he didn't even do in favor of himself.

„Yeah well," he exhaled heavily.

„So what happened between you and Becca? On Friday."

„We talked about… something that's been on my mind lately. And somehow subjects came up and it all got muddled. And I just… I wanted to know why she had never said anything to me. How if I hadn't already known she could've kept me in the dark for years, knowing that Sarah was screwing some…," he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. „I'm sorry. But yeah we… we talked and I was upset, pissed, angry - you name it. And then I said something only because I knew it would hurt her. I knew it'd cause her sleepless nights again and for a few seconds that was what I wanted. So bottom line's that I'm an asshole and I don't think I deserve her forgiveness. I complained that she didn't have my back, that she wasn't there for me and on Friday I wasn't there for her. I pissed all over what makes us, us." It had been so tempting to give his sister, his beloved sister, a taste of how it had felt just once. That goddamn temptation had lulled him and without thinking it through, without using his goddamn brain for a second he had gone in for the kill. He had fallen for the idea of retaliation hook, line and fucking sinker. And while he had been at it Tom had broken his sister like a goddamn promise - the promise he had made to himself that he'd never, _never_ , hurt Becca.

„Look, people screw up. You have no idea how many times I've screwed up in my life and hurt people. You should… call her. Or take the time to go and see her, now if you need." He'd probably only arrive around midnight, but some things were important, some things shouldn't wait.

„I can't do that. She'll be in bed and you're here. It's our night."

„Yeah, it's our night. But you're not much use to me like this now, are you? She's your sister. She's… your person, you said it yourself. So screw our night and screw her being in bed by the time you get there. Obviously you can't gather an other thought or focus on anything else. Go. I'll be fine," Olivia encouraged him. „She will appreciate it, even though she's hurt."

„You think?"

„I really think so, yes," she nodded. She remembered half a dozen awful fights she's had in the past, all of them with the person who used to be most important in her life. Her best friend, partner, confident. Elliot had been her rock, the person who was there for her through the good and bad, who had her back and who she, no matter how dysfunctional their partnership and friendship had been at times, trusted more than anybody else in this world. And she thinks that if he had come to her just once, even in the middle of the night, and told her how he was sorry, how he was wrong to say something, even in great anger, it would have meant the world to her. „It's not always about instantly being forgiven. Maybe she won't accept the apology instantly but it counts. I promise you it counts and it means som- everything." She smiled but in her eyes pooled a sadness she thought she had long since overcome, accompanied by a dull ache in her chest.

„I don't want to leave you," Tom said just above a whisper. „Doesn't feel right."

„Neither does sitting here when this whole thing is tearing you up. You could drop me off at my place and maybe I can work something out and come over tomorrow night, make up for tonight," she suggested, her mind running in different directions as to how to accomplish that. She could see if Lucy would be free and put in another night. She could double her paycheck for one night, make it all look a bit more attractive. Or maybe Amanda would take Noah in for the night since Noah and Jesse liked to play and enjoyed the occasional sleepover in times Olivia or Amanda couldn't provide a babysitter on very short notice. „Okay?"

Tom considered it, roughly rubbing the heels of his hands over his eyes until he saw yellowish illuminated dots dance behind the curtain of his palpebras. „It's really okay with you?" He was torn. For one there was the ride to Rebecca's that would take him about 1,5 hours a trip. And even if he'd go as Olivia suggested, would Becca even want to talk to him, listen? Or would she close the door in his face and tell him to fuck off because it was the middle of the night and he had obviously gone completely lunatic.

„Of course that's okay with me. We'll make good for it," she smiled, combing her slender fingers through his thick hair as she kissed him softly, lips brushing to soothe. „Let's get going." Breaking the kiss, Olivia swiftly got up and collected her things. Handbag, phone, scarf and winter coat. She watched Tom do the same, although he took his time, seemingly absentminded and nervous.

„Glasses?" She reminded him. She knew he needed his specs to drive when he wasn't wearing his contacts, especially at night.

„Right, right," he mumbled, looking around, not sure where he had put them earlier.

„Bedroom. On the dresser," Olivia said easily. He had left them there when he had changed into a more comfortable sweater shortly after she had arrived here.

„Right," he said again and went to grab them, leaving Olivia to shake her head. She had never seen him like this, not even close. When he returned, glasses on his nose, she reassuringly rubbed his back and gave him his jacket.

„You sure you _can_ drive? I mean… I can take you. Wait in the car…or something." It wasn't ideal and she really did not want to make the trip to Long Island but for him she would. Even if it meant sitting in the car for hours on a cold November night.

„Hell no. Olivia, I'm good. I can drive."

„Uh-huh," she said, not sounding convinced. „If you're as focused driving as you've been since I got here then that's a fine mess."

„I'll be okay, I promise. I can focus when I drive."

„Alright," Olivia breathed, knowing she had no choice but to trust his judgement. „Then let's go."

…


	34. Chicago

Rebecca was positive that they had just fallen victim to a knock-a-door-run. It was around 12:15 AM and no person in their right mind was going to ring their doorbell in the goddamn middle of the night, least of all when everybody in this neighborhood knew they had a toddler. There was a knock as she made her way downstairs, her eyes slowly getting used to the darkness as her feet padded to the front door in a morning gown.

…

„Tom? What the hell?" Rebecca squinted against the external wall light that illuminated the porch and thus her brother who stood in front of her, looking sheepish. „What are you doing here?"

She shouldn't be surprised, Rebecca thought. She had been a no show at the annual Thanksgiving family dinner and while her parents and older brothers probably believed that she hadn't felt well enough, Rebecca had been positive that Tom had realized she was a cop out. She would have gone, but had feared that the atmosphere would have suffered. Their mother loved Thanksgiving, and she didn't want to ruin it by tiptoeing around her twin brother and trying to deny it.

„Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you-," said Tom, scratching the back of his head. „I sent a text. A few actually but I suppose you were sleeping."

„You supposed right," Rebecca said groggily, rubbing her eyelids, trying to make sense of him showing up at her door at this hour. Slowly she realized that he had driven all the way out here from the City because his car was parked in front of their property.

„We need to talk, Becca. I know it's not the best time but it's… we need to talk and I didn't want to wait another day or even until morning," he explained, hoping she wasn't going to send him away.

…

Forty-five minutes later they found themselves sitting in the dunes of McAllister County Park, only a blanket beneath their bottoms. The wind was ice cold and howling, both of their hands freezing. Rebecca wrapped her arms around herself for some warmth that not even her winter coat provided in the dead of night at the beach. They had sat in silence for long minutes until Tom had finally found the courage to speak up.

„I need you to forgive me, Becs. I am sorry for what I said that night. I was out of line, I was wrong to bring it up." The gusts almost drowned out his voice, Rebecca only heart him because they were forced to sit so close on the small blanket. He could feel the crevice between them, could literally sense it. Rebecca barely even looked at him, instead she dropped both her hands between her bent knees and kneaded her hands, trying to keep the blood flowing, keep warm.

„Then why did you?" She tried to ignore the distress in her brother's voice. A part of her had wanted to forgive that same night, had wanted to forget, but once Tom had left that Saturday around noon it had hit her full force. He had wounded her deeply with just a few words, an insinuation. And it had wounded like that because Rebecca had realized that Tom still didn't believe her, probably never had. But worse was that he had thrown it back in her face nine years later. The clarity had completely pulled the rug out from under her and left her with a heartache Rebecca was sure she had never felt before. For a week she had tried to mentally rise above it, to convince herself that it wasn't all that bad. It was in the past, wasn't it? It shouldn't matter if Tom believed her, would ever believe her or not. But exactly one week ago he had retracted the incident from the past, had dragged it back into the present and Jesus - it mattered. It mattered that the one person in the world who she had _never_ once lied to, chose not to believe her, chose to believe in what he saw rather than what Rebecca insisted did not happen, couldn't have happened.

Tom swallowed. Why did he? There were not too many options. He could either go with the truth, or be a coward and tell her a lie. Thoughtful for a moment, he stared towards the ocean, the water engulfed by blackness. „I was angry," he admitted, releasing a long sigh because he lacked confidence. „I was angry and I… for a moment I wanted to hurt you. And I kept telling myself all week that that's not me. It's not like me to want to hurt people, least of all those I love most. But I guess-," he shrugged, turning his head to look at his sister's profile. „I didn't come here with excuses. I made a mistake, Becca. A huge mistake. And although I was angry and it seems I never truly let go of all my disappointment and anger towards you over not telling me about Sarah-," Tom blew out a breath and slowly rubbed his chin, his beard scratching against his fingers. „-doesn't mean I have the right to hurt you. That's not who I want to be, least of all towards you, Becs. You are…-," Tom winced and they sat there silently for a few moments. „You are everything to me. I think- I hope you know. And I don't ever want to hurt you, I have no idea what has come over me that night. It's… she's a sore subject."

„Still? I mean… do you still…?" She turned and Tom was a gray silhouette against the pitch-black of night, barely illuminated by the waning gibbous moon.

There was no need to finish the question, Tom knew exactly what she was asking. „God no. I am not in love with her. I'm over _her_ , just not over all that has happened, I guess. It's not even the affair she's had but the things she said, you know? That she said them behind my back, never once talking to me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fact that she has stolen my confidence." For the first two years after the separation it had been one step forward, to steps back for Tom. It had taken time for him to lick his wounds, to figure out who he was without Sarah and without the ability to have children of his own. Building some self-esteem, to believe in himself and what he was still capable of had been a slow process and a time when he hadn't felt like it was him who was occupying his skin. He had rejected any sort of emotional relationship to women (other than his sister and his mother), had spent his weeks working harder than ever before in his life and his weekends with women who were often total strangers he had gotten to know well enough to take home for the night and find reassurance that he was still a man, still manly.

„Will you ever believe me?" There was a sudden buzzing in Rebecca's ears and it took her a moment to realize that it was her own heartbeat she felt thumping heavily. She gave Tom a sideways look, waiting for him to answer. Instead he rubbed his face and strained his neck.

„Look Becca, it's not that I didn't believe you (although he didn't, he realized), I just don't know _what_ to believe."

„Which means you do not believe me," she deadpanned, staring off at the sea.

„No, it means I don't know what to believe, that's a difference. I don't think you are lying, Becks. I just… I don't really know what the truth is. What exactly happened that night."

„Uh-huh." Rebecca wasn't convinced. It sounded like a whole lot of bullshit. Burying her hands in the pocket of her thick winter coat, her fingers pumped against the pack of cigarettes and she pulled it out, glad to find the lighter inside, too. Lighting the cigarette however turned out to be quite hard, if not bordering on impossible with the strong wind. Tom silently helped her, using both hands to ward the wind.

„Thanks," she said around a lungful of smoke.

„Can I have a puff?"

Wordlessly Rebecca held out the cigarette for Tom and he took it, taking a deep drag. „Do you miss it? Smoking?"

She chuckled through her nose, throwing her head back. For a moment she took the time to stare at the stars above them. „Most days," she agreed. „Do you?"

„Sometimes," Tom nodded and Rebecca held out the pack to him in silent offering. He slid out a grit and lit it more successfully than Rebecca had. „You're going to be there for Christmas, right? If it's going to be a problem for you I'll… I'll stay in the City. You know how much the holidays mean to Mom and because of Abby…" he rambled.

„Tom, stop," she interrupted, voice strong. „I'll be there for Christmas. And so will you."

„I just thought-,"

„Yeah, you're not good at thinking sometimes. I'm pissed. Just… just let me be pissed for a while, okay? We'll be okay but I need some time to get over this one."

„You sure?" He could divine the wonky smile on his sisters face.

„Yeah. You're a wanker but yeah."

„Ouch." He took one more drag from his cigarette, then stubbed it out in the sand.

„You deserve it."

„Guess I do."

…

Monday afternoon Olivia walked into the diner, instantly spotting Tom in one of the corner booths. With a small smile in place she walked over and kissed him hello before sliding into the booth next to him.

„Hey. Sorry about Saturday," Olivia apologized once more. She hadn't been able to come over for the night, a phone conversation had been all that was in the cards for them that weekend but Olivia had been glad to hear that Rebecca and Tom had worked things out somewhat. His sister was still hurt, still pissed, but he believed they were going to be alright at least, which sounded much more confident than three days ago.

„Good to see you," he beamed but sensed a bit of an uneasiness with Olivia. „Tough day?"

„Kind of," Olivia agreed. „And I might have bad news," she tried to prepare him.

„No dinner Wednesday night?"

„No dinner or anything else for about two weeks, maybe three," Olivia broke the news, looking at him guiltily as a waitress whose name tag read _Nelly_ brought them two cups of coffee that Tom had ordered. „Thank you," Olivia mouthed at the woman who was probably around the same age as her.

„Why's that? Don't tell me you're catching all the time. I can drive you if you gotta leave-," he tried, although he had a feeling this was a little more complicated than that.

„It looks like I'll have to go to Chicago for a couple of weeks. We've got an open case and Chicago PD had investigated one with about the same MO a year ago. They've got another victim and a suspect but they could need some help. And from experience I'd say it's not done in one week." This close to Christmas leaving New York was the very last thing Olivia had expected or wanted to do, but she figured that she wouldn't get much of a choice this time around. She had worked with Voight and his team before, that wasn't the problem. But because of school she couldn't take Noah with her and that was a problem.

„But you don't know for sure yet?" He sounded hopeful but by Olivia's eyes he could tell that it was pretty much a done deal.

„My Chief's on the phone with Chicago as we speak. I'll know for sure within the next couple of hours, but I guess I'm leaving tomorrow or the day after."

„Will I see you before Christmas at all?" They weren't going to spend the holidays together. Noah still didn't know about them, in fact they hadn't even discussed any of it yet, but they had planned to spend at least a day before Christmas together, just them to exchange a small gift (nothing pricey, he recalled Olivia caution), have a nice dinner and simply enjoy each other's company. Tom had gotten her official go to tell his family because except for Rebecca nobody knew he was in a relationship. So, although they weren't going to spend the holidays together, for Tom it was a meaningful date.

„I hope so but I fear I can't promise," Olivia murmured, leaning into Tom to steal a kiss. „I'm sorry." She felt his arm brush up against her and she sensed he was trying to stomach his disappointment. It wasn't ideal, but there was little she could do if Dodds wanted her to fly to Chicago and help follow their lead, after all what they had on the guy here in New York could be essential to nailing the perp.

Tom nodded, feeling like their short moment of intimacy was broken. „I could stay in the City until the 25th in case you won't be back the Friday before Christmas. Or I could come to the City on Christmas Day so we could at least spend the evening together. I know you're not entirely comfortable with it because of Noah but-," he suggested but instantly detected she was not on board with it.

„I don't want to keep you away from your family. Believe it or not, but I actually listen to you, so I know how important family holidays and especially Christmas is for your Mom. You should be there. And maybe I'll be back in time, I'm damn well gonna try," Olivia said, making it sound like a promise.

She absolutely hated the idea of going to Chicago, especially for longer than a couple of days. Noah couldn't come because of school, which meant she wasn't going to see her son for way too long. Olivia had already contacted Lucy and luckily it wasn't going to be a problem. She was going to move in for the time Olivia would be gone, maybe she could at least fly in for the weekend, spend a little time with Noah. It definitely messed up Olivia's entire personal schedule. She still needed to purchase about eighty per cent of the Christmas presents and the additional money she'd have to pay Lucy was going to tear an enormous hole in Olivia's December finances.

„You know ´livia, I can see my family for Christmas and I will. But I also want to see you, even if it means just an hour or two late in the evening when Noah's asleep. I don't need to stay over, I don't need anything at all as long as I get to see you for a little while and get to spend even a tiny portion of the Christmas holidays with you," he told her honestly, grasping for her hand, hoping she realized how serious he was about this. If he was being completely honest with himself he would love to spend Christmas with Olivia and Noah. He'd happily cancel on his family for a day to be with his girlfriend instead, spend such an important day that was all about family with her. Because it was what he wanted after all - to build upon what they had, try to be a family somewhere down the line. Of course it was too soon because he still hadn't spend a second with Noah outside of school and the most Olivia had done was ask Noah if it would be okay for him if she had a ‚friend'. Apparently the boy hadn't understood what Olivia meant by ‚friend' though because he had compared it to Olivia's colleagues and friends from work, telling her it was fine. But he understood her hesitation. It's only been three months they've been seeing each other, which wasn't long. And ultimately Tom wanted Olivia to be comfortable enough with him and comfortable with telling Noah who she was seeing. It might be a slow process but in the end, Tom was sure, it would be worth the wait.

He drew small circles on her back and Olivia could feel it even through her rather thick coat. She contemplated what he said as she sipped from the coffee. Of course she would love to see Tom, but she was still quite hesitant to bring him into the apartment when Noah was home, even when it meant he would be asleep. She did not want to take the risk of having to explain why Mr. Tetley was in their living room or worse, Olivia's bedroom. Although Noah was a sound sleeper there were no guarantees that he wouldn't wake up and surprise them.

„Can you give me some time to think about it?" She was trying hard not to say no, because she understood that her cautiousness was probably getting old. She wanted him around, it was simply complicated with a child.

„Of course." Some time to think was more than he had expected. An instant and solid no had been more like it. Tom shifted forward, placing another kiss on Olivia's lips that he knew he would miss terribly if she'd really have to go to Chicago. For a moment Tom blocked out all thoughts, of Chicago, Christmas, the fact he might not see her until after the holidays. The taste of coffee was in his mouth and reluctantly he pulled back because he might never stop otherwise, not if he allowed himself to get lost in her for another second. „Can't you tell your Chief to go and fuck himself?" His words were a quiet growl but he was serious. Damn him if he decided to send Olivia to Illinois, take her away from him like that without further notice. In response he received a chuckle.

„Oh, I wish I could," Olivia assured him. „I doubt he would be too pleased, tho."

„I'm not pleased, but does anybody care about that?" He wanted to sulk like a boy, maybe stomp his foot.

„I care," Olivia whispered, rubbing his thigh. „Unfortunately I can't do anything if they want me to go."

„This sucks."

„Yeah, I know," Olivia smiled sadly. „Let's drink that coffee and order something to eat, huh? I've got another twenty."

…


	35. All I Want

„Voight," Olivia called Hank Voight to attention as he was staring at the file in front of him. As deep in thought as he was, it seemed he hadn't even noticed her entering his office. Hank raised his gaze and rubbed his eyes shortly, trying to focus on the woman in front of him rather than the case file he kept studying religiously, as if the folder would eventually have mercy and throw him a bone, give him _something._ Almost everyone had by now gone home and the bullpen was quiet and empty. Olivia would have left, too but nobody was waiting for her. The hotel room she occupied here in Chicago wasn't the most inviting, either. She didn't feel like reading a book or watching TV or worse - being alone and wonder what else could be done.

„What are you still doing here?"

„I could ask you the same," she retorted with the hint of a smile and pulled a chair. It's been two weeks and they haven't gotten anywhere with their suspect. Both Olivia and Voight had it in their gut that the suspect was their guy, the issue was that they had nothing to prove it.

Voight gave a light shrug and leaned back in his chair. „Keep thinking we'd have answers by now if you had let me do things the way I do them around here." There was no amusement in his tone. The words were coated in bitterness instead. He had not expected Olivia to walk out of the interrogation room as he had their suspect pinned up against the wall he had slammed him into a few seconds before she had entered. Unfortunately he knew the Lieutenant better than that. But he had wished she would have never stepped in, that she hadn't been anywhere near the interrogation room. Voight's fist had ached to connect with Victor Rostock's jaw and his knee had been twitching with the anticipation of jerking into the bastard's middle and see him double over in pain. The sight sure would have been exquisite. But Olivia Benson had joined the party and all the ignorance in the world hadn't been enough to make her turn around and walk back out.

„Voight, I'm not someone who's going to watch you manhandle a suspect and turn a blind eye, or worse lie about it the second he calls police brutality."

„You could have gone to grab some lunch," he offered, voice gruff.

„And pretended not to know what happened in the meantime? Please," she chuckled, pulling over the case file. For a moment there was silence and Voight brought the hammer down.

„You should have questioned him in New York."

„Wow. I was waiting for you to bring something up but still… wow." This one was low. They had briefly spoken to Victor Rostock, a bar tender, after the first rape of the series they investigated, but nothing pointed towards the bar tender - or anyone else for that matter.

„Two victims, same area-," Voight started, his voice low but clearly pissed.

„And one of them had never even mentioned the bar, Voight. Obviously we would have questioned Victor, maybe even made the connection that he'd have something to do with the attacks if we had known the second victim had used the bar's bathroom at the time but we didn't. She never told us that little detail."

„And you failed to ask her about it," he accused. Voight wanted to think that he would have asked that one, important question that would have helped them put together the puzzle right after the second attack.

„There was no reason for us to assume it weren't random attacks, Voight," Olivia said calmly. „Even with Odette Heraldo's attack there was nothing that specifically led us to believe that someone followed her from the bar. When we questioned the staff after her rape Victor didn't make us suspicious."

„You should have pushed more, Olivia."

„Pushed him how? By beating the truth out of him upon first sight, no indication at all that he had anything to do with it? That's not how we do things. I used to have a partner with a quick temper and it didn't do either of us any good. Intimidation is one thing, but you are taking it too far, Voight. You wanna risk your job- fine. But I won't risk mine. Not because you can't keep yourself in check." By the time Olivia had stepped into the interrogation room, Hank Voight has already had their suspect grabbed by the collar and pushed up against the wall, threatening Victor Rostock. When she told Voight to stop, he had ignored her, had slammed the man into the wall once more, seething, his own nose only inches from Rostock's face. He had only taken a step back when Olivia had finally had it and pulled Voight off of the guy, glaring at him and hissing that it was enough.

Olivia knew that Voight was no stranger to doing whatever it took to get someone to confess, that he threatened but also wasn't beneath getting physical - to put it mildly. And it seemed that until now he had gotten away with it, too. However, it was a dangerous game because eventually someone would not turn a blind eye.

She knew a bad temper from Elliot. Anger had gotten the better of her ex-partner many times but mostly Elliot had only wanted to intimidate, scare a suspect a little. Play the old game of ‚Good Cop And Bad Cop'. Voight was a different matter. Voight didn't necessarily wanted to scare and intimidate, he had no problem with using excessive force. That in itself should disqualify him from working for the Chicago Police Department. Funnily or luckily for Voight there is no judge where there is no accuser.

„You rather see a rapist walk?" He accused, shaking his head. Voight knew he was being unfair. Olivia Benson would probably like to see a lot of things. Seeing a rapist go free certainly wasn't one of them. He had barely ever seen someone with as much drive and compassion as the Special Victim's Lieutenant. They were at a dead end, Hank could feel it. He saw this case slipping away from them. There were no more stones to be turned, no paths to be walked.

„No, I don't. I'd rather we sit down and find a way to make him crack without using excessive force. We go over every statement _again_ , I have my team question the people who worked with him in New York and see if our victims are ready to talk to us again, see if there's anything else they can remember. I know it's a long shot, Hank but I won't give up just yet," Olivia told him with determination. „We didn't screw up with our investigation of the New York attacks. We did proper police work following the rules to a tee. That's how I try to run my unit. I'm in no way perfect and neither are my detectives but we don't go around and beat the shit out of people to get a lead. We've been here before, Hank. And I won't take the fall with you, I will not let my cases go out the window or let you screw up my reputation as a Lieutenant or my units reputation. I'd like to say I don't give a fuck what you do when I'm not around but honestly I do, by now I do, because I consider you a friend, someone I like and I know you're pissed and so am I, but do not tell me that SVU has screwed up this investigation or that a we should have done more or should've done better, okay? I am here because you wanted me here, because your Chief and my Chief want me here. And either you are going to show me some respect and we do what we can to nail this bastard or you are on your own. I'm not your punching bag. And I wouldn't make you mine. So what do you say?"

Voight exhaled and his head sank between his shoulders. He was in no way oblivious to his blind spots and faults. Olivia was not to blame for the issues they faced with this entire investigation. He hated to lose, it was as simple as that. Hank wanted justice - wanted it at all costs. Olivia was like-spirited, she only used different methods. Where Hank used his physical strength, used his fists or some kind of weapon, Olivia Benson used words and different tactics. And funnily she got results often enough. She was good at what she did. Probably one of the best, in Voight's opinion anyway.

„I'm sorry. It's… not you, Olivia. Just-," sighing, Voight pushed the file to the middle of his desk.

„I get it." Her tone was compassion and understanding. Being without lead that brought them any closer to solving a case was never easy and some cases got to you more than others. This particular investigation seemed to be some kind of bête noire to Voight.

„We don't get anywhere with him." He sounded resigned and final and like he needed a strong drink.

„Yes, we do. We got under his skin, Hank. He is sure of himself, he is convinced that we don't have anything on him and that's why he attacks me. Victor's playing a game and he thinks he's smarter, he bites because he doesn't think we can bite back. I know his kind. It makes him feel good and powerful when he can degrade a woman. And he probably knows it's not smart to do it with me but he can't really help himself and he tries to get to me, tries to get a reaction from me, to see what he says shakes me and maybe a part of him is looking for any signs that he's right about the things he says to me and about me. We need more time and we're going to play our cards well, Voight. Maybe we won't get him. Maybe Victor will be one of those that get away. But he is not going to stop and if we don't get him this time, then the next time we will. But I'll be damned if I throw in the towel. As long as my Chief doesn't tell me to get on the next plane home I will work this case with you and we will do whatever it takes to justify dragging him back into the interrogation room for another round of questioning. Okay?"

Their eyes met across his desk and Voight nodded his agreement. He didn't feel any better about the case, it would take more than Olivia's little speech to lift his spirits but picking a fight or casting blame on Special Victims or Benson in particular wasn't going to help their investigation. Maybe Olivia was right and they simply had to keep trying. Work every angle until someone told them to stop.

„Okay," he grated. „Can I buy you a drink?"

Pursing her lips, Olivia glanced at her watch. 9:13 PM. She could do with a drink before climbing into an empty bed. It was 10:30 PM back home in New York and Tom would probably be asleep by the time she'd get back to the hotel. They hadn't talked in three days, only sent a couple of text messages back and forth with how busy Olivia had been. She pondered if she should give Tom a call now but decided that five minutes in passing were not what he deserved. Instead she made a mental note to make time the next day and have a proper conversation with him then.

„A drink sounds good," she smiled.

…

Tom 10:53 PM

Working late again? Sorry if I disturbed you, just wanted to talk some. I miss you. Hope you can call me back soon.

Olivia quickly scanned the text, realizing she had officially entered the Awful-Girlfriend-Zone. Her phone had started ringing during her second glass of Whisky with Voight and she had rejected Tom's call. Upon Voight's request Olivia had told him it wasn't important. And even now Olivia was lacking the energy of answering Tom's text although she knew she _should._

God, what the hell was she doing? What was she even thinking? She couldn't ignore him, not when they hadn't talked for days. The case had exhausted and frustrated Olivia and with three whiskeys on ice and a beer buzzing through her veins, all she wanted was to get some sleep, close her eyes and allow her mind to shut off. But she couldn't help to think that it would backfire. She missed Tom. Of course she missed him. Two weeks of not seeing him at all were hard, and she'd probably stay in Chicago for the rest of the week. The least she could do was to give her boyfriend a call.

She blew out a breath and ran a hand through her hair as her finger danced across the touch screen of her phone, finding Tom's contact info. She tipped her thumb onto his number and within seconds it started to ring. Olivia put him on speaker before Tom had even picked up.

„Hey," he said, sounding mildly surprised but happy about the call.

„Hey," Olivia said back, Tom's voice putting a smile on her face despite her fatigue. Instantly she felt even worse for the reluctance she felt when he had texted. „Sorry about earlier. I would have called back but thought you'd be asleep by the time I got to my room."

„Long day again?"

„Uh… kind of. We're not really getting anywhere with this case it seems. Voight and I have been out for drinks until now. He's not in the best mood and I'm just… tired. And I miss Noah." Unfortunately she hadn't been able to fly out of Chicago for a weekend like she had initially planned. She talked to Noah every night before his bedtime but it didn't help at all - if anything it made her miss her son even more. „And you," she added slowly with a soft sigh.

„I miss you, too. I wish you'd come back home."

„I think I might be another week unless they decide there's no sense. We're out of leads for now but will talk to vics again, see if there's anything they remember that could help."

„So the guy you had is innocent?"

„I don't think so, but unfortunately it doesn't matter what I think if evidence doesn't back it up. I still think he's good for it, so does Hank. We'll just have to find something that'll help us prove it. But I'm sure I'll be back by the end of the week, Friday or Saturday, if not sooner."

„Have you thought about it?" Tom hadn't brought up his proposition of visiting her over Christmas, if only in the evening when Noah was asleep. She clearly had more important things to deal with, but eventually he'd need an answer.

„Thought about what?"

„Me coming over for Christmas, at least if you're not going to be back before Friday."

„Oh right. That," she said, closing her eyes. She hadn't thought about it. The whole thing had slipped her mind entirely since she had landed in Chicago. „I… erm… I think I'll need some more time to…" She realized that she sounded pathetic and unsure. „I haven't given it any thought to be honest. I know I said I'd think about it but everything here has been so crazy and not what I expected," Olivia said apologetically.

He should have expected it but it still hurt to feel like everything else was more important and that in some sense he was still an intruder to her home when Noah was around. Tom shouldn't feel bothered by it but deep down it stung.

„I understand. We'll just… see how you feel about it once you're back here."

„I'm sorry. I know you deserve more than that and I'm probably not trying hard enough most of the time but," Olivia sighed softly and then sat up. „I don't want you to think I don't want you around me or even around Noah. Maybe I'm overprotective in that sense, or maybe I'm not at all. I've… my last relationship? Noah was part of that. It's been a few months until Ed started coming over and he got to know Noah and they liked each other and then things started to fall apart, you know? And suddenly Ed didn't come around any longer, he wasn't there for breakfast or for walks in the park, at the playground - all these small things. And Noah was just three at the time but it was not something easy to explain to a child who has no father figure in his life and who is looking for a male for orientation, trying to find that balance through a male influence when the people who care for him on a daily basis are women."

„Olivia, I understand, I do. It's not easy but I get why you want to take it slow in that regard. I don't think I'd do it differently if I had children," Tom said honestly.

„I am scared to hurt him. This is my… _my_ relationship and my responsibility and it's not that I don't want this or don't trust this but it's scary because I… I like you so, so much. And everything is going so well that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong or for my feelings to change," she whispered. She had been there, had gone from happiness to feeling utterly lost in her relationship with Ed Tucker. She had sworn to be more careful the next time and not drag her child into such a mess.

„Olivia? Whenever you are ready," he said softly. „I don't want to push you when you're not sure the time is right. And if you are worried he might wake up and see me at your place then I respect that. I'll deal with how it makes me feel because that's not your problem, that's mine. You're not doing anything wrong by saying you don't want me over. I hate to hear it, but I'll be fine. We'll try to get together after Christmas." Realistically it made no sense to ask her if they could get together before Christmas, even if Olivia should get back before he'd leave to visit his family. She would want to spend her time with Noah, which was understandable after not seeing him for close to three weeks.

„You sure?"

„Of course I'm sure. We'll find a way to make it all work for us. Might not always be easy but… I still think it'll be worth it. I can be patient."

„I wish you were here right now, you know that?"

„Me too," Tom said softly. „You sound like you could need some sleep. How about you try and call me within the next couple of days. Whenever you have some time and energy left to listen to me complain how much I miss you," he laughed.

„Sounds good, actually. I could do with some sleep," Olivia agreed. „And I'm sure so can you. It's late."

„It is late. And we both are going to have an early morning."

„Right."

„Okay, so sleep tight, alright? Try to dream of something nice," Tom said softly, smiling against his phone.

„I'm going to try. I'll call tomorrow. Promise."

„That'd be nice."

„Okay. Goodnight Tom," Olivia whispered.

„Night `livia," he said back and hung up.

…


	36. Deja-vu

„Yeah, Fin what's up?" Olivia's eyes scrunched up as she was trying to focus on Fin's words coming through the line. Raising a finger she looked at Voight and excused herself with a whisper. „One sec," she mouthed and headed to the holding cells that were empty.

„Odette Heraldo, our first vic? Said she might remember somethin'," Fin said.

„Might?" Olivia deadpanned with frustration. Might. What was that supposed to mean.

„She isn't entirely sure if she saw it or if it's a figment of her dreams or imagination," Fin clarified. „But said she might have gotten a short glimpse of a tattoo on the back of the guy's thigh."

That caught Olivia's attention and she stepped further towards the holding cell. „A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?"

„She isn't sure but thinks it could've been a scare crow," he pointed out.

„This is the first we ever heard of this, she never mentioned it the times we've taken her statement." There was a chance Rostock didn't have a tattoo but for now it was a straw they could grasp.

„I know. But she was also very confused after the attack, her memory was all over the place then, Liv."

„Alright. So, if we're lucky she repressed the memory of a tattoo and if we're not…"

„There's no tattoo," Fin deadpanned for her.

„Okay, it's something and at this point I'll take it. Anything else?"

„Nothing. Carisi is trying to track down former employee's of that bar but the place has gone out of business about a year ago."

„Well, shit," Olivia sighed. „I think we only talked to Rostock and whoever worked that shift with him."

„Correct, Nadia Petrovska. Already talked to her, she doesn't remember anything more than what she had told us at the time and even the events of that night have faded over time. We're on it, Liv. If there's anything you'll be the first to know."

„Thanks. We could really use whatever you can dig up because right now we're not getting anywhere."

„We doing what we can, Liv."

„I know. Talk to you soon," Olivia said and hung up, pondering the new information. A possible tattoo might not be enough for a judge to compel Rostock to drop his pants. And if they would find he had none on his thigh this case was lost once and for all. They'd never take Rostock to trial. There was only one way to play this - talk to the guy again and wait for a reaction when they mentioned a tattoo on his thigh. Olivia tapped the phone against her thigh for a moment, then made her way back to Voight. From his desk he glanced at her as she closed the door so they'd have some privacy as she shared the news.

„First victim said he might have had a tattoo, maybe a scare crow on his thigh. Thing is she doesn't seem very sure. There's a chance she… remembers things that weren't there. She was all over the place when she gave her statement but… you know the details. He did a number on her."

„No judge is going to sign off on a maybe."

„I know. We'll talk to him again."

„And you want to persuade him to agree to another questioning how?"

„I don't know yet. What I do know is that he's a dangerous serial rapist and I want to know if he's got a goddamned tattoo on his thigh. Rostock is arrogant. As long as he's confident we have nothing on him…"

„You really think it's going to be that easy?"

„I think that he likes talking to me, he likes the attention and he'd love to get under my skin, rile me up." She saw Voight's lips twitch and eyes cloud.

„And you think that's a good thing? Can we be sure what we're up against with him?" For a moment she saw something in Hank's face that she hadn't often noticed, even throughout their worst investigations with Yates.

„I think he's a cocky bastard who wants the attention. I also think he feels like he's got nothing to worry about."

„That doesn't answer my question, Liv."

„Don't undermine me, Hank. I know what I'm doing," came her sharp reply.

He hated her fierceness, her fearlessness. Also he respected and admired her for it. When he had found out more and more about Olivia, back when she was still Sergeant, he had been amazed that she was still in the game, had not been broken. „Fine. So what's your plan?"

….

Don't go in alone, Voight had said. Take backup.

Olivia had heard the warning in his words, in the way his voice had dropped even lower than it was naturally - which seemed impossible. But Olivia had always been thickheaded.

Rostock might get suspicious if she came with backup, she had thought but not said to him. She would just try to work her magic, persuade him to come back to the station with her for another round of questioning. Go in, make the fish bite, get back out, possibly with Victor Rostock in tow. Halstead would be waiting in the car. It was safe. Safe enough anyway.

Nobody had said anything about it going all wrong.

…

 _Throb. Throb. Throb._

Olivia came to with a splitting headache, disoriented and her vision blurry for a few seconds. She raised her head and shifted, flexed her biceps muscles to lift her arms to no avail. Her arms felt like deadweight. Nothing moved.

Nothing made sense.

„There she is." The voice crawled through the haze of pain and confusion and Olivia blinked before her eyes fluttered open. Victor Rostock's face was inches from hers. She could feel his cigarette breath hitting her skin as he grinned grotesquely. Her stomach turned with a surge of nausea. Again she tried to move her arms, pulled, then almost yanked until she pieced the jigsaw puzzle together. She fought against restraints, wrists tied together behind the back of a chair.

„Uhn." She wanted to say something but the splitting ache in her head didn't let Olivia focus on forming the words.

„Yeah, sorry ´bout that, Lieutenant," Rostock said casually. „Didn't mean to knock you out. Or did I?"

Like a jet of flame rage burst through Olivia. It was sobering. She inhaled shakily, then raised her head and willed herself to look at Victor Rostock, trying to gauge the situation she was in. He had stripped her of her gun, which wasn't surprising. It also meant, that besides being pinioned, she had no means to defend herself.

She tried out her voice, looked Rostock in the eye. „This isn't a good idea, Victor." His face mirrored amusement and it was unsettling. For a second it felt like deja-vu. For longer than that, Olivia felt sickening fear curse through her body, paralyzing her mind.

There was no plan of action. She hadn't prepared for this; this wasn't supposed to happen.

„It wasn't a good idea for you to come here. You know, they say third time's the charm but between you and I? It either means you were going to keep on waisting my time poking around in the dark, or you know a little too much. Which is it, Lieutenant Benson?" Rostock's eyes sparkled in a bright blue as he cocked his head.

„There's backup outside, Victor. Detective Halstead is going to get impatient very soon."

„Like I haven't figured that out." He made a tut-tut sound with his tongue against his gums before he smiled with boyish imatience.

„What's your plan, Victor? Do you really think they are letting you walk out of here now that you have a cop in your pocket? You could untie me, I'm going to walk out of here, no harm done," Olivia said, trying to keep her voice even.

„Yeah, about that - I think we both know you're full of shit. You and me? We're not going to go anywhere," Rostock shrugged and pulled a chair, sitting down in front of Olivia. „You know a hell of a lot about me, Olivia." Rostock's upper lip twitched with anticipation and satisfaction all at once. „It's time I get to know you a little better, because we're going to spend some time together."

„Victor, within the next few minutes my colleagues are going to show up here, SWAT Team and all. Trust me, you don't want that. We can end this now, I'm just going to walk out of here-…"

„No, you're not," he smiled. „And I don't really care if Crisis Negotiators and SWAT are going to camp out outside this building."

„They are going to burst in here, Victor. And they are not going to play any games. Believe me, you have no chance to make it out of here once this gets real. You don't want my partner out there to get impatient and make that call-," she said shakily. Rostock's calm demeanor was unsettling Olivia. He didn't even seem to contemplate her words, he didn't seem worried or nervous. None of all the things he should feel.

„Oh please, Olivia. I can call you Olivia, right? Nobody is going to burst in here while I have a Lieutenant with the NYPD as a hostage. That'd be crazy, wouldn't it? If they risked your life so easily."

„They will wonder what is taking me so long, Victor. My phone is going to start ringing any second." At least Olivia hoped so. She couldn't have been out for long, she thought. Maybe a few minutes, nothing that would make Halstead suspicious.

„Good point," Rostock smiled and slid his hand in the pocket of his twill pants, producing Olivia's phone from it. He pushed his thumb onto the home button and slowly wiggled it in his hand, showing her the screen. Five missed calls. Three from Halstead, two from Voight.

„I put it on silent. All these calls can be such a distraction." Her heart sank instantly. Backup being on the way wasn't any consolation right now. Rostock wasn't worried or nervous which made her cringe visibly.

„What do you want, Victor? Do you think you'll walk out of here with me? Because with every passing minute the chances of that happening are getting slimmer. I wouldn't lie to you. I've been in this type of situation before, it doesn't look good if you-,"

„Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell are you talking about?" He hollered suddenly, eyes wild. He shook his head and took a breath as his body shook. Within a second, Rostock seemed to have regained control of his emotions. „Only one of us is going to walk out of here. And won't it be fun to see who that'll be?"

….

„What the fuck were you thinking?" Voight shouted at Halstead as he walked towards his detective as squad cars started to block the street, blue light flashing from every direction.

„I'm sorry Sergeant. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and that you wouldn't be on board but she… she pulled rank and-," Voight interrupted Halstead, eyes wide.

„You let her step into the lion's den because she told you she's higher in the food chain? What the hell did you think would happen? This guy is a serial rapist who'd taken a liking to Benson from the start, goddamnit! How long has it been?"

„Forty minutes, give or take. Still doesn't answer her phone, no activity at all."

„If he's holding her hostage, he'll have to get in touch sooner or later."

„Right now neither Olivia nor Rostock are giving us anything."

„You better pray she's still in there and well because otherwise I will have your badge and your sorry ass," Voight got in Halstead face, trying hard to get himself in check. Before he took a step back, he shoved the detective and walked away, waiting for Crisis Management to arrive.

He'd kill Halstead, if anything should happen to Olivia. Hell, he'd kill Rostock with his bare hands if he'd lay a finger on her. He should have known better than let Benson have her way. It had sounded too damned simple. And most of all he should have known why she hadn't wanted him there and suggested taking Jay. She had wanted to get Rostock alone, had never planned to confront him with Jay. It wasn't the first time Olivia Benson had gone on a mission, shutting everyone else out. She had played the distrust card, for fuck's sake, and he should have called her out on it, because from the very first second he had known.

 _„You don't trust me."_

 _„Of course I trust you, Liv. But I don't have a good feeling about this."_

 _„He will talk to me, Hank. But if you show up there with me, he's going to decline any battle. He wants my attention."_

 _„And how is that a good thing?"_

 _„All I need is a little more time with him. I can get a read on him, I'll know if we're on to something and you know it. Jay can go with, if you can't trust me to do my job, trust him."_

She had been bullshitting him, had made him a tool, and he had let her because deep within he wanted to prove to her he did trust what she was doing, trusted her judgement. Voight had _wanted_ to believe, she was going to stay true to her word and do her job and not go out on a limb in the name of justice.

And where had it gotten him? They hadn't heard from Olivia for forty minutes. Was she injured? Still alive? Was she even still in the building?

Voight pulled out his phone again and gave Olivia another ring. Five rings, then it went to voicemail. With every passing second Hank Voight's confidence waned.

…

She had first heard the sirens from afar a couple of minutes ago but by now it had gotten silent and knew that they were setting up camp in front of the building. The street was flooded by police and likely snipers that wouldn't be able to see into the apartment and find their target. The dark curtains were drawn and both Olivia and Rostock were seated close to one corner of the room that didn't allow anyone from the outside to see them from any angle. She had seen her phone light up on Rostock's thigh two more times, the name ‚Hank Voight' popping up on the screen.

„You should probably take that," Olivia advised.

„You should probably stop telling me what to do, Lieutenant. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone else but you. Let's forget about what's going on out there and enjoy our time together. I don't think it's going to end anytime soon but eventually…," he bopped his head from side to side.

„Maybe we could… turn on the lights. It'll be easier to talk when we see each other better." Obviously Victor would keep on refusing to pick up the phone. She had to find some kind of way to communicate with the outside world. But Rostock merely looked at her, brows scrunched together.

„I love the way you think," he decided after a while and pushed himself up. But instead of moving towards the light switch, Victor slowly rummaged through a drawer, like he had all the time in the world. He returned with tea lights and retrieved a lighter from his pocket. „Almost romantic, isn't it?"

He was thinking a step ahead of her, Olivia realized. Her tied hands, her Glock on the coffee table a few feet away, Rostock refusing to pick up the phone or let her answer the calls - it was unsettling. But the realization that she couldn't get him to do any of the things she suggested, things she needed him to do to send Voight and his people some kind of signal was something that truly scared Olivia. It didn't seem likely that Rostock would start to negotiate. Whatever agenda he had, Olivia couldn't see through it.

„Why so sad, Olivia? You asked for light, you got light," Victor said, upbeat.

„What do you want from me?"

„But I already told you. I want to talk. Get to know you better. You are something else, Olivia. I knew that from the start. So fierce. Ah, it was so refreshing to see how you pulled your little friend Voight off of me and blew up in his face," he inhaled deeply, like he sucked the essence of a beautiful, warm day into his lungs. „Oh, you really got him by the balls, don't you? Do you emasculate all men like that? With your tough as nails demeanor?" Rostock didn't expect an answer but watched Olivia closely.

„I would have thought you'd be more grateful for me stopping Sergeant Voight from punching a confession out of you."

„Ah, you and your confessions. Would that make you feel better? If I said it?"

„ _I_ don't need to hear it from you. I know you did it. Unfortunately no jury would care about what I know is true. But while we're at it - why not say it? Let's say I wanna hear it."

„Does it tear you up that it took eight women until you realized it was me, Olivia? Do you go over it again and again, questioning yourself, your people? You know, I wanted to applaud you when the penny dropped and you stood in front of me again. After all these years. And to think it's here in Chicago." She swallowed and squirmed against the chair. Eight. Eight women, it rattled through her mind. They only knew of five victims so far. But this was not a slip, he had deliberately disclosed this number.

„Eight? So, why don't you tell me about the other three?"

„That would be such a waste of time and we don't have forever sweetheart." Keep him talking, Olivia thought. She couldn't let him drop the subject. Not this time.

„You claim you raped eight women but can't even give me any details?" She mocked, raising a single brow as she scrutinized Rostock. „Sounds like a whole lot of bullshit to me."

„Oh, I could give you all the details. If I _wanted_ to. Unfortunately for you I don't. But let's not talk about me. How old are you, Olivia?" He reached out and dragged a strand of hair between his thumb and index finger as he cocked his head. „Fifty?"

„Forty-eight," she responded stiffly.

„No ring, so not married, I suppose. Tell me Lieutenant, do you ever fuck? Get all that pent up energy out of your system?"

„I don't think that my sex life is any of your business."

„You think wrong," Victor said calmly, leaning back in his chair as the Iphone lit up once again with an incoming call. „If you think you get to choose what questions to answer you are in denial. So, let's try this again. Do you ever fuck?"

„I said it's none of your business," Olivia repeated sternly. To her surprise Rostock laughed, making her wonder if he was trying to cover any insecurities.

„Are you stupid?"

„No, I am not."

„Yes. Yes, you are. Because if you were smart, you'd answer the goddamn question. Do you ever fuck?"

„I'm not going to answer that question, I don't see the point."

„Do you want to make a call? One call of your choice?" She looked at Victor Rostock with suspicion and instantly he knew he had gotten her attention. He picked up her phone and dangled it in front of her although they were both aware she couldn't take it if she tried.

„You're going to let me make a call?"

„You give me something, you get something in return," he said simply.

Olivia considered it, trying to gauge if he was being serious, but the possibility of being able to tell Hank she was okay was too tempting to pass up on. „Alright. I think that's fair."

„I thought so," Rostock smiled. „So Olivia, do you ever fuck?"

She swallowed and to answer such a simple question, however inappropriate, shouldn't feel so humiliating. She was a woman, it shouldn't be hard to imagine that she had a sex life.

„I do." The admission felt strange and demeaning, but she looked Rostock dead in the eye as she said it.

„Boyfriend? One night stands?"

„I think we had an agreement. I get a call," Olivia reminded him.

„Not yet, Lieutenant. So? Is it Sergeant Voight? That why he lets you talk to him like that? So you won't cock-block him?"

„Victor, I want my call."

„I'm sure there are quite a few things you want right now but ain't life a bitch? Voight. Does he fuck you?"

He was making no threats, except for overpowering her earlier he hadn't laid a hand on her. It was all the more unsettling. He was messing with her head. If he didn't want to harm her, then what was his plan? Was she going to get out of here? Could she influence getting out of here alive? Olivia didn't have an ounce of control over the situation. This wasn't her narrative, she was not leading, couldn't even point Rostock in any direction of her choosing. He might not be harming her physically, but it was dawning on her that for her this was a lose-lose kind of situation. Rostock's behavior reminded her of a tactic cops used in interrogations sometimes, although he seemed to apply it subtly, maybe not even consciously. It felt like a double bind. The emotional dilemma and distress were kept within limits but then again she hadn't been in this position for very long and except sending conflicting messages, Rostock gave her nothing while he engrossed and drove the strings of conversation. But not knowing what was happening, not fully understanding it either, was the hardest part.

„I won't say another word until you let me make that call," Olivia said slowly, trying to keep her voice even. And again she saw Victor Rostock grin at her as he fished a cigarette out of a pack of Marlboro.

…


	37. Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

**Author's notes: This chapter contents references to rape that could be disturbing to some, so please consider yourself warned. Olivia will in no way be assaulted. As always I'd love to hear what you think. Also I would like to send a warm hello to readers who've only just found this story recently.**

Crisis Negotiation arrived within the hour and Henry Voight filled everyone in. Possibly a hostage situation between a rape suspect and a New York City Lieutenant who hadn't been in touch for roughly over an hour. No contact was made by Victor Rostock or Olivia Benson. So far everything was quiet and the apartment building was not yet taken over but snipers were arriving and taking their positions.

The options were meager. Breaking down the door and storming in was not an option. Nothing could be seen through the thick curtains shielding the window. They had to try to make contact, start to negotiate and try and get Benson out of the situation unharmed.

…

Victor Rostock wasn't playing Olivia's game. When she had told him she wasn't going to say another word until he'd let her make the call he had promised her earlier, she had fully expected him to taunt her, to somehow make her talk. Instead he sat there. Just sat there and Olivia couldn't for the life of her estimate how much time had passed. Ten minutes? Half an hour? Rostock had smoked two cigarettes with relish, never taking his eyes off of Olivia. It was driving her insane. She was absolutely going to go crazy and she wasn't stubborn enough to try and win a game that couldn't be won.

She was tied to a chair with no control whatsoever. It was her job to try and figure out what his agenda was, to talk to him calmly. In hostage situations, Olivia knew, the first fifteen to forty-five minutes were usually critical. Panic was most likely to arise in these overwhelming situations. Rostock however hadn't been panicking at all. He had been calm and balanced from the start, still was. He had only lost his cool once, for a few short seconds.

An unknown number started lighting up on Olivia's phone. Here it came. Crisis Management Team for sure. Rostock glanced at the device, then back up at Olivia, his ever present smile in place.

„They will keep calling until you pick up. They need to know everything is okay in here, that I'm unharmed," Olivia explained slowly, her voice even. Victor showed no reaction at all. „If you won't pick up the phone they'll try over a microphone. You will have to communicate with them or they'll get really nervous and give orders to break down that door and-,"

„They know the two of us are in here, Olivia. And so is at least one gun. And as long as you sit tight and do as I say everything is going to be okay."

„They don't know that," Olivia said, her voice dropping to a whisper. „They can't know I'm okay."

„It's not yet time to talk to anybody. For now this is about you and me."

It was beyond frustrating that every tactic Olivia had tried failed. Like Rostock didn't care about the outcome. There didn't seem to be a plan. There was no way out. Basically, Victor Rostock was as trapped as Olivia was.

„What's the pin code for your phone?" Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head slowly, unwilling to give him full access to the device. „You wanna tell me, Olivia," he assured, showing teeth as he smiled his sickening smile.

„180896," she eventually answered reluctantly. She didn't want to piss him off, because Rostock was completely unpredictable to her. There was no telling if anything made him tick, or what it would be. She watched his index finger log in the digits, his smile growing bigger as her home screen was unlocked.

„What a sweet boy. Your grandson?"

Olivia felt sick as she watched Rostock smirking at the picture and the only consolation was that he was scum but to their knowledge not a pedophile. Instinctively she wanted to lie and let Victor believe the child was indeed her grandson but with her phone he had access to her entire life and there were plenty of emails and text messages that stated quite clearly that Noah was Olivia's son.

„My son," she answered slowly.

„Oh, this is brilliant. It fits you so well. Your work, it did always come first until eventually you realized you had missed out on having a family. How old is he? Five? Six maybe?" Victor asked, taking a liking to the boy. „Is he a test-tube baby or did you screw some poor guy over to be a mommy?" He cocked his head, awaiting an answer this time.

„I wonder why those are the only options you can think of."

„So there is a baby daddy in the picture? That's sweet. Are you still with him?"

„I don't want to talk about my family. None of this has anything to do with my son. This is between us, as you've said - whatever it is."

„Yeah, I can see why you'd think that. It's funny how quickly things can change, isn't it? Because I'm pretty sure you don't want anything to happen to that sweet boy of yours."

Realistically, Olivia knew Rostock wouldn't make it out of this building and have his freedom, still she didn't like the threat, didn't want to imagine what the hell the asshole was talking about. „Leave my son out of it."

„Olivia, Olivia, Olivia," Rostock sighed. „Do you believe in magic?"

What the hell was wrong with the guy? Was he out of his mind? He didn't make any sense. Nothing he did or said made any sense.

„No, I don't."

„You'll be surprised. This is going to be so big. We're going to go out with a bang." Her face froze for a second and Olivia instantly tried to interpret the words. Go out with a bang. Gunshots? But nothing about that was magical.

„Why don't you tell me more about that?"

„Because it's not yet time. Don't be so impatient, Olivia. There's plenty of time for us to get to know each other better. So… where were we when you decided you wouldn't talk to me anymore? Oh right… Voight. Why don't you tell me about the two of you."

„There is nothing to tell. We're working this case together but you already knew that."

„Right. So, is this a recent development? Because if it is, then I gotta say, boy, every Jack has his Jill indeed," Rostock laughed.

„We've worked together before. Our relationship is strictly professional."

„That's interesting because he's been checking out your tits in that blouse you wore a few days ago. The green one? Unfortunately it left too much to imagination, don't you think?" His eyes raked over her body. „How about we give your friend Sergeant Voight a taste of what he's missing out on, shall we?" He put the phone on the floor as Olivia's eyes grew wide. The atmosphere had suddenly shifted as Rostock moved closer, his hand touching the material of her blouse.

„Don't. Please don't do that. You don't need to do that," Olivia said shakily, trying to move away but she was firmly held in position, unable to arch her back any more into the chair back. She was at his mercy and words were her only defense but what good were they? If he wanted to strip her, words wouldn't stop him. If he would touch her, pleading him not to wouldn't do a thing. How did she get herself into this kind of situation again? Why had she been so adamant to go in alone, thinking she had become stronger, smarter, better? What did it take for her to finally learn? Lowell Harris' penis in front of her face, grazing her chin hadn't been enough. The loaded gun Lewis forced her to hold against her temple and pull the trigger in a game of Russian roulette had obviously had little effect. And against better judgement she had walked into a hostage situation two years ago. She should have known better this time around but there were moments when Olivia simply didn't think things through, when she acted because she couldn't accept that someone else could do the saving or worse, that a person like Victor Rostock was still out on the streets, looking for his next victim.

She remembered one session with Lindstrom after she had been taken hostage by Joe and Roxie when he had specifically asked her if she was trying to get herself raped or killed. Of course she didn't want either, but funnily she had been unable to give her psychiatrist an answer. More luck than judgement Lindstroem had called it.

„Shhh, don't worry. I'm not going to do anything to you. You're really not my type when it comes to _that._ " He slid his chair closer towards Olivia's, their knees touching. His fingers fumbled with the upper button of her blouse. Olivia's eyes squeezed shut as she was breathing heavily.

„Please stop, Victor. There's no reason to do this."

„Of course there is, Olivia. You need to understand that you are not in charge of this situation. I know you're not used to let someone else take over but you'll have to realize that you will do as I say."

„I understand that," she said quickly, feeling his hands slip lower to the second button at the hight of her breasts.

„No, you don't. You want me to _think_ you understand. No reason to be shy, it's just tits. Nothing all that special about them."

She hung her head, feeling there was no way out. Olivia adhered to him saying she wasn't his type. Then again he had never let her make that phone call.

„Unless," Rostock whispered tentatively, his fingers stopping at the third button. She swallowed. She'd pick unless. No matter what it was, she'd choose anything that would make him stop undress her.

„Unless what?" Olivia whispered, nauseated.

„Unless we talk. I don't like it when you dodge my questions. It's making everything more complicated. And we've got some time left." He talked to her as if she was a child, a dumb one at that. Olivia wondered what would happen when their time was up but didn't dare ask, because for now his hands were back in his personal space and not invading hers.

„Fine. We'll talk," she agreed slowly. Rostock didn't seem human. Of course this could be much worse. She remembered Lowell Harris and Lewis once more. Victor Rostock was lamblike in comparison up until now. Lewis had used his time much more efficiently when she was at his mercy, had slapped, hit and kicked her, forced strong alcohol and pills down her throat. But with Lewis and Harris she has had an idea of what to expect. In this situation she was at a complete loss. Lewis' actions had been somewhat predictable at least.

Rostock was pleased with that answer. For a moment she even thought he was relieved. „How many people think you're a dyke?"

„I don't know, I guess there are a few people who think that of me. Isn't it the number one stereotype when it comes to women in jobs like mine?"

„And are you? A dyke?"

She scoffed, shaking her head slowly. „No, I'm not. Why? Would that make any difference?"

„I'm asking the questions. You do your part and answer," he reminded her. „Did you ever fuck a woman?"

She wanted to tell him that it was none of his fucking business but had a feeling that she wouldn't like the alternative any better. What was the point of him asking things like that? He couldn't know if she was answering truthfully. The only thing she could come up with was that he wanted her to feel she was at his mercy, that he was calling the shots. She could give him that, as long is it meant she'd save her own skin.

„No, I did not."

„Tut tut. What a shame. I'm sure you would be popular with the ladies," he sighed and stretched his muscles. „Are you still comfortable? I'm sorry I had to restrain you, but I think we both know you wouldn't sit tight otherwise." It must have been a mock question, however concerned Rostock sounded.

„I'm starting to feel a little sore."

„Sorry `bout that. You'll have to deal with it."

„Could I have something to drink? Please?"

„Not yet. Maybe later. If you're being good," he flashed her a smile as her phone lit up once more. „How about you tell them to leave us alone?"

…

„This is Lieutenant Olivia Benson." Voight had given up hope that the phone would be answered but now he was completely alert and more so relieved. Olivia was alive and at least well enough to talk.

„Lieutenant Benson, this is Sgt. Michael McMillen of the Chicago Police Department Crisis Unit."

„Sgt. McMillen, got it. Listen, I am with Victor and he wants you to know that everything is okay up here. Nobody is hurt. Victor would like for you to stop calling." She glanced at Victor who nodded but remained quiet otherwise. He had told her exactly what to say and what not to say and she had already feared the call would go to voicemail before he was done giving her instructions.

„Lieutenant Benson, we would like to speak to Victor," McMillen said calmly yet firmly.

„I'm afraid Victor isn't interested in talking to you at this moment. But things are under control."

„Am I on speaker, Lieutenant," McMillen inquired.

„Yes, Victor can hear you."

„Victor, this is Sergeant McMillen, you can call me Michael. I'd like to hear from you if there's anything you need. Is there anything I can do for you?" Rostock just looked at Olivia and shook his head slowly.

„Sergeant, Victor doesn't have anything to say at this time," Olivia repeated. „There are no demands other than you giving us some privacy. Nobody is going to get hurt as long as you sit tight and leave us alone."

„You know I can't do that, Lieutenant. Can you tell us what your situation is? Are you and Victor the only people inside the apartment?"

„Nobody else is here and Victor is not a threat to me." Olivia wasn't sure if the latter was true, but until now he hadn't done anything except embarrass her by asking way too personal questions and making her answer them. „Victor's going to hang up now."

The line was dead a second later.

„What the fuck was that?" Voight asked McMillen. „There are no demands?"

„Sergeant Voight, you might want to give it some time. He has picked up the phone, that's progress. We keep calling, wait until he's made up his mind. Rostock might be overwhelmed and trying to find a way out of this without cooperating with us but he'll soon realize that he'll have to give us something. Now the Lieutenant sounded okay, all things considered, which is the most important thing right now."

„We have no way of knowing if she _is_ okay! She is a professional, she can sound all sorts of things if necessary. Rostock is a serial rapist who had taken an interest in Lieutenant Benson during her intensive questionings in the past couple of weeks. Call it what you want, but she might not be safe," Voight seethed.

„You are right, she might not be. But she is alive and fully conscious. We'll just have to wait for Rostock to realize that the only way to resolve this situation is to work with us, not against us. So let's accept his request for now and give him a little time to think. We don't want to upset him."

Voight was shaking, his knuckles white with tension. He didn't give a fuck about Rostock's requests - all he wanted was to get Olivia out of there as quickly as possible. Every minute was one minute too much. This, he told himself, could have been prevented. Prevented by him, by Halstead. Hell, even by Olivia. It was infuriating. How did she get herself in such a situation? She knew better, didn't she? Why did she constantly feel the need to prove herself? She had people who cared about her. She had a son! She wasn't supposed to take risks like this and act so recklessly. Hank could swear sometimes the woman had a death wish. If she would make it out of there -. No. Not if. As soon as. As soon as she'd make it out of there, Hank would give her a piece of his mind, a lesson she wouldn't forget.

„How long are we talking?"

„Let's give them an hour, see if he'll call us back. Let's trust the Lieutenant that she can handle the situation. She isn't a rookie, she knows what to do. Maybe she can get through to him."

„And what is your plan B? What if within the hour Rostock still refuses to talk?"

There was dead silence for a moment and McMillen looked around. „He'll come around. They always do."

„Let's hope so, by goodness," Voight mumbled, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

…

Olivia half expected the phone to ring again but the device lay between them silent and unlit. They honored Victor's request to stop calling, that there were no demands to be met, at least not by them. Olivia however was still expected to play by the rules of a game she didn't quite understand. Rostock's questions had to have some sort of meaning. Maybe he wanted her to feel humiliated but he didn't seem to enjoy when she did. He didn't get off on her discomfort, or if he did it wasn't in a visible manner. He seemed to enjoy the conversation in itself, however. No matter how hard she tried to see through him, he gave her nothing.

„Why the rape squad?"

Olivia raised her eyes to meet Rostock's and slowly shrugged. She wasn't going to tell him the truth, come up with some sort of answer that was open.

„Somebody has got to do it. There was an opening, I gave it a chance." She saw how Rostock scrutinized her for a few minutes and it unnerved her.

„You shouldn't lie to me, Olivia. I thought we'd moved past that."

„I'm not," she insisted. God, she hated him. Hated all men who asked her this sort of question and kept bugging her for answers she didn't want to give. But to be asked by one of this soulless monsters was taking the cake.

„Yes you are. You've got this thing about you. You're damaged goods. What happened to you, Lieutenant Benson? Did your Daddy do bad things to you?"

„I never knew my father," she clarified, speaking the truth this time.

„That's just too bad," Victor decided and got up to grab a bottle of water from the kitchen area.

„Do you have rape fantasies, Olivia? Is that something that turns you on? When you questioned me you said you've been doing this for twenty years. You must be pretty messed up to put up it with it for so long."

„That is disgusting."

„Maybe so, but you didn't answer the question. Do you get off on it? Do you imagine how all these guys pick you? Rape you? Do these thoughts make you all wet?"

„No, I do not entertain any fantasies of rape," she bit out. She wanted every word to be unheard but knew they would stick with her for a long time, long after this would be over - if it would ever be over.

„You don't sound disgusted." His upper lip twitched as he twisted off the cap of the water bottle. „How come? Don't tell me you're lying to me again. You should get over that."

„I've answered this question more times than I like to admit, so it's not exactly a shocker. As a woman in Special Victims I hear it all the time. Either I must have been molested as a child, or I was raped as an adult, or I have got to be into it and find some sort of sexual gratification in it. It gets old and is cliché. The answer is much simpler. I want to give a voice to victims and put people like you away."

„I'm wounded," Rostock said, acting as if she had met him right in the heart as he clutched his right hand to his chest. „It's not like I've killed anybody."

„You've raped and sodomized at least five women. You've put them through hell and back."

„When you say it like that it sounds so uninspired. You see, there's something about young women when they are trying to scream but they don't dare, something about their eyes when they realize what's going to happen to them but not quite. Tut," he inhaled and took a quick sip of water.

„That is sick. You are sick."

„Yeah, I hear that's the prevalent opinion when it comes this sort of passion."

„Passion? That's what you want to call it?" She has heard a whole lot of things but this one must have been new. Luckily Olivia was inured to all sorts of recounts of sexual assault and rape or else she probably would have thrown up in her mouth by now.

„You'd have to experience it to understand. That connection," he rhapsodized. „Too bad that I'm not into old, dried up cooters or I'd give it to you good. And then there's the hair. I just can't get over the brown hair. I find red-heads to be so much more fierce. Hm… do you like red-heads, Olivia?"

She swallowed and wondered if the question was an accidental product, or if Rostock had seen a picture of Tom and her in her gallery. She couldn't see if he had looked at anything specific earlier, except for the picture of Noah that was her desktop screen.

„I don't really have a type. Hair color is just that, I don't really care either way." She hated to answer his questions but she had him talking about the rapes and as sickening as it was, she couldn't let him stop now that he was on a roll.

„See, that's the problem. You have to find something that you're passionate about, something you care about it. It is paramount," Rostock said, licking his lips and for the first time she could see the blue of his eyes light up. Simultaneously an expression washed over his face and Olivia realized it must have been arousal.

„Do you have life partner? Boyfriend?"

„I do. Why is that important?"

„It's not, I'm just curious."

„Do you have a girlfriend?"

„Nah," Rostock shook his head. „Tried that, it is so boring. There's no thrill, no chase."

„You thrive on their fear," Olivia said.

„I thrive on the entire experience. It's exquisite Olivia. To tear into a beautiful woman like she's a piece of meat, to hear her whimper and plead," he exhaled slowly, deliberately. „My turn. Do you like ass fucking? Because you look like someone who likes it up the ass."

„I'm sorry that I'll have to disappoint you but that's not up my alley," Olivia said, trying to keep her answer as short and concise as possible. This, like everything else considering her sex life, was none of Rostock's business, not anyone's business, something between her and the partners she has had. And answering with no was luckily always an option. She wouldn't give those intimate parts of her life away, least of all to some perverted criminal.

„Victor, where do we go from here? I mean, you can't leave me like this for long, they will get impatient at some point. What's the plan? Are you going to walk me out of here at gunpoint, use me as a shield?" She's been there and done that. Possibly it was her best shot, a sniper could take him out. She could get out of this unharmed, God willing.

„And sign my own death warrant? You're funny," Rostock chuckled. „No, sweetheart. You are going to walk out of here without me."

Now he had her confused. She tried to make sense of that scenario but couldn't. „I don't understand."

„They have no reason to take me out if you walk out of here unharmed. I'm not going to threaten your life, Olivia. I like you. I can see that passion in you that I have. Too bad we're on different sides on this. But this game of cat-and-mouse holds its appeal too, don't you think?"

Wait. Was he being serious? He was planning on letting her walk out of this apartment, just like that? Would just sit here and wait for cops to barge in and arrest him for holding a member of the NYPD hostage? It sounded too good to be true, too easy. Unless Rostock's main concern was survival, to get out of this flat alive, even if it meant prison.

„When?"

„An hour maybe," he said, feeling elated. „Trust me, you are going to enjoy this."

An hour. When they had taken Crisis Negotiation's call it had been 3:35 PM, by now Olivia could see from the curtains that it was getting dark outside, there was barely any daylight left filtering through the thick cotton material. She wondered if the drapes allowed them to see the soft glow of the candle light from outside, a sign that they weren't sitting in complete darkness by now.

„What's the point of all this, Victor? Did you want to get caught? Get under my skin? Weird me out by asking personal questions?"

„You know so much about me and my preferences, I feel it's only fair that I know some of yours. You and I, we share a connection, Olivia. You might not see it but it's there. You should never forget that."

„A connection?"

„You get me. You may not approve of what I do, of how I choose to satisfy my desires, but you get me. You don't just pretend to," he smirked. „And I think you have some odd fascination with rape and people like me. Do you ever hope that the guys you put away experience retaliation? That in prison they are raped over and over and over? That they find out how it feels to be on the other side of the equation, Olivia? Tell me that." Rostock's voice was serene, like he was telling her a lovely story.

Olivia couldn't deny that sometimes she did. She had even said it to quite a few perps. But who wouldn't feel like this if day in and day out they had to listen to the most heinous recounts from victims and their offenders? It was only human to feel rage and hope for revenge.

„I do," she admitted.

„And doesn't that make you just like them? Just like _me?_ Do you think it makes any difference if you are the one executing the deed, or if it's someone else? It's still rape. You like the idea of rape," he smiled. „I can't blame you." He raised both hands as if he was surrendering. „I get it."

„I am nothing like you," Olivia said, trying to keep her voice even and calm although rage burned in her lungs. She wanted to haul those words at him, scream them into the room, into the world so every last person on this earth would hear.

„Aren't you?"

…

„Well, well." Rostock had vanished in the other room for a few minutes, possibly the bedroom. He seemed to get more upbeat by the second, like something had energized him. He took his seat again, cocking his head and picked up her phone, letting the device light up. „When do you think they are going to call again?"

Olivia had no idea. She would have expected a few incoming calls by now, wondering what sort of negotiator that McMillen guy was. Then again she was not an expert in hostage negotiation, she had only ever taken part in the required trainings.

„I don't know. I'm not all that experienced with these kind of situations." The muscles specifically in her upper arms felt stiff and sore by now. She desperately wanted to move, stretch.

„I promised you a call, didn't I?" He made it sound as if he had only just remembered, but his smile gave him away. Olivia started to get a feeling that there was some kind of plan in action, only she had no idea what exactly it was. „Who would you like to talk to, Olivia? Your boyfriend? Your son?"

She swallowed, trying to gauge what might happen next. Would he truly let her walk out of this apartment like he had said earlier or had that been him tricking her to keep up her spirits? She might make it out of here. Or she might not. Her first instinct was to call Lucy and request to speak to Noah, tell her son she loved him. But first instincts weren't always the best instincts. She wouldn't give Rostock that. She wouldn't allow him to be part of an intimate moment between mother and son.

„Sergeant Voight," Olivia finally said. No matter what, she needed someone who would be able to calm her down. Noah couldn't do that, she'd break down hearing his voice while not knowing it the words he said to her would be the last ever spoken between them. And Tom… he'd lose it completely and she couldn't do that to him. Voight would know how to handle himself and ultimately know how to handle her.

„Such a good decision, Olivia. I'm thrilled," he told her happily. „Because this is your lucky day. You can tell him that you'll walk out of here within the next five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes."

She was nervous and didn't quite trust the words that filtered through her ear and reached her brain. Was he seriously going to let her go? Just like that? Somehow it seemed absurd, like something no person in their right mind would do.

„Are you serious? Because I'd rather not be lied to. Whatever this is about, I can take it Rostock. You don't have to promise me freedom, unless you find this funny on some sick level." She wanted to prepare for him to start laughing and say that - oops - she's seen through his game. Instead he smiled at her and petted her thigh, not in a sexual manner but like they were people who were on good enough terms to show support trough a touch like this.

„I am serious. I promised you a call, you are getting your call and I told you, you'd walk out of here. Tell him you're coming out in a few, he might want to call back his armed hound dogs that have taken over the goddamn hallways, I bet even for you it can't be nice to look into barrel of a machine gun."

True to his word he unlocked the phone and called Voight.

„Olivia?"

„Hank, it's me and erm… Victor says he's going to send me out within the next few minutes."

„Are you serious? Are you okay? Are you injured?"

„I'm fine. I'm going to come out alone so it would be nice not to catch a bullet." She still was not convinced this was actually happening, awaiting the moment Rostock would tell her he's changed his mind or ask her if she was really stupid enough to think he'd let her walk away from him.

„Alright," he said and then the connection broke up. „Olivia? Liv? Fuck," Voight breathed. What were the odds that Olivia would in fact get to walk out of this building? But if she did- God.

McMillen looked at Voight and he seemed just as thrown off track as the other Sergeant.

„Are you sure this was a hostage situation?"

„Of course it was a hostage situation," Voight hissed. „Do you think she would have allowed a crisis team to set up camp if this was just a nice little chat?" Or ignored about a dozen calls from her backup and I?"

„All I'm saying is that it is highly unlikely for a hostage taker to let their only hostage go and make no demands whatsoever. He doesn't want a car, no helicopter, no money. Makes you wonder what he does want, Sergeant. I think we both can agree that it's highly unlikely for Lieutenant Benson to walk out of there without him."

„I know that it's probably not going to happen, so you think of something you can do! Sitting here and watch the hour tick by clearly didn't do anything to resolve the situation so start doing your job and get her out of there asap."

…

„Olivia, it was nice chatting with you," Rostock said, sounding what came close to sentimental and once again it confused the hell out of Olivia. She was waiting for the other show to drop, for the punchline and thought she saw it coming finally as Victor reached for her duty weapon. It would have been too good to be true and she now regretted that she had asked to call Hank instead of her son.

„You're not going to let me go are you? You're not going to untie me." Her words scattered around them in thin air. So this was how it was all going to end. In a Chicago apartment that was only illuminated by tea lights and reeked of cold cigarette smoke that had seeped into the walls over time. It was oddly comforting that he was going to shoot her in here and not in front of Voight and a dozens of other cops. She saw him looking at the gun for a few moments and again the smile settled on his lips, tugging at the corners of his mouth. Olivia's heart started racing and she thought that at least it was going to be quick if he'd blow her brains out. Her chin was quivering and all she could still think was that she wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to give him the satisfaction and plead.

„Oh, I am," Victor said, walking towards her, closing the distance and her own gun was close to her face now, only she wasn't facing the barrel. „So long, Olivia," she heard him rasp. „And sorry for this."

And then there was nothingness.

…


	38. Jinge Bell Rock

The Nausea hit first, then the rapid pounding in her head. There was noise, too damned much noise, that almost made her head explode. Olivia tried to say something but what came out reminded of the sound a wounded animal would make.

Very slowly she realized that the noise was not from some sort of commotion that was made around her. It was music blaring from speakers. The song sounded familiar but Olivia couldn't put her finger on what it was.

When she opened her eyes there was nothing but blackness. Darkness. She breathed shakily and squeezed her eyes back shut as her head kept throbbing mercilessly. For a moment she was grateful for the darkness.

Where was she? And what the hell had…

It came to her then - pieces of memory. Rostock. His apartment. The promise that he'd let her go and then her gun.

Was she dead? Had Rostock actually pulled the trigger? But the afterlife sure wouldn't be this painful, would it? It wasn't supposed to be painful and dark and full of….Christmas music.

 _What a bright time_

 _It's the right time_

 _To rock the night away_

The music came from somewhere close, too goddamn close, and every beat grated in her head. She reached out and her hand touched something hard and cold, as did her face, the entire front of her body.

The floor. She was on the floor.

There was still too little making sense, so she did the one thing she could do. She listed what she knew.

One. Her name was Olivia Benson. Two. She had been in a strange hostage situation with Rostock - maybe she still was. Three. There was Christmas music playing and she was positive it was _Jinglebell Rock_. Four. She was hurting. She was possibly lying on the floor. Five. There was something beneath her left hand buzzing. She was even able to encase the thing, pick it up.

A phone. Her phone.

Olivia tried to lift her head but stopped in an instant with a groan. She couldn't say if the pain or the nausea was worse. She got her answer as sour saliva accumulated in her mouth and she threw up violently.

…

She crawled, pulling her cheek out of the pool of vomit. Hair was stuck to her moist skin and the smell made Olivia's stomach churn to the point she almost puked once more. Her muscles only carried her weight with effort but she made it a few feet and managed to sit up, the fingers of her left hand firmly wrapped around the device that was in fact Olivia's iPhone. It was also the source of the music. Shakily, she drew in a few breaths before she found enough physical strength to turn off the music and turn on the flash light of the phone. There was completely silence inside the apartment now. Sweet silence.

With her heart racing from tension, Olivia looked around. To her right were the two chairs her and Rostock had occupied earlier. The tea lights had either burned down or been put out by Rostock. And there, on the floor, right next to the chair she had sat in, lay Olivia's gun. Her hand was aching to hold her on duty weapon, to feel its weight and the sense of safety that came with it, but Olivia knew she needed another minute or two to gather some energy. From how much her head was pounding and the fact she had thrown up a couple of minutes ago, it was likely that she had a concussion.

The gun. Rostock had pistole whipped her so hard, she had instantly lost consciousness. The memory was barely there, just enough to grasp it and put one and one together. Automatically, Olivia's right hand reached for the spot Rostock had hit her and touched semidry blood. The son of a bitch would probably be responsible for yet another scar on her.

Remaining completely still, Olivia listened for any sign of life, for any noise in the apartment, but there was complete silence besides her own breath. She slowly scooted towards her gun, squinting her eyes as the movement caused yet another splitting ache in her head. At least she was positive she couldn't possibly throw up any more - her stomach felt like a hole. Empty.

Despite the pain, she kept moving, breathing shakily from the strain until her right hand finally wrapped around the grip of her gun. She had no idea if it was loaded, but the weapon gave her an instant sense of security. She checked the magazine, finding the weapon loaded and relaxed immediately. Her gun meant she had the means to defend herself. She wouldn't go down without a fight.

…

„She is not going to come out. It's been twenty minutes," Voight said to Halstead, pacing while never taking his eyes off of the entrance of Rostock's apartment building.

„They are probably going to try and call again, see if they can get him to talk," Jay offered. Neither of them had truly expected to see Olivia Benson walk out of the building like Rostock had made her believe. These situations, where a hostage taker simply let their hostage or hostages go were extremely rare.

„We have to get her out of there. God knows what the bastard is doing to her," Voight seethed, his hands balled into fists.

…

The dizziness tells her that getting up hadn't been the best idea, but slowly she found her footing. She wasn't going to black out, Olivia told herself as she made her way towards the front door and turned on the light. As if she could have influenced it by sheer willpower if she tried.

Shielding her eyes, she tried to get used to the offensive glare of the incandescent bulbs. Her body was flooded by adrenaline, her gun pointed as she slowly shoved her phone into her pocket. She saw the puddle of vomit and some blood close to it, but tore her gaze away to focus on the door to the other room that was slightly ajar.

„Rostock?" Olivia asked, slowly walking towards what she believed was the bedroom. She could hear her own labored breathing as her feet moved slowly, trying to prepare for a possibly attack. She was met with silence. As she reached the door, she listened closely once more before she quickly burst through it, her gun in a firm grip as she scanned the room. Empty.

The bathroom door stood open but nobody was in the small space either. Had he walked out? Let them arrest her? Then why had nobody come in to get her? Someone should have been here by now for sure.

Her eyes scanned the entire room. A queen sized bed, empty nightstand. A few clothes on the floor. Blue carpet. This place was nothing special at all. It didn't look very homey. Simply a place to crash. It was functional. And Rostock was nowhere to be seen. Something was off about that.

She walked over to the closet, opened it at once. There were plenty of clothes but no sign of Rostock.

Not sensing any danger, Olivia slowly lowered her gun.

….

„Liv, Olivia… how are you?" The moment the call came in, Voight had already accepted it, hoping it was her who was calling, not Rostock.

„He's… he's gone." There's this part of her that holds out and waits for Hank to start laughing and explain that they've got him, that she was silly for thinking otherwise. She had taken a massive blow to her head after all. But it made no sense that she had woken inside the apartment alone, hurting and bleeding.

„What? What do you mean he's…" She must have shot the bastard. Self-defense for sure and if Hank was being honest, he wasn't upset over it.

„He is no longer here, Hank. He hasn't walked out and surrendered?" It made no sense. Nothing made any sense. He was not in the sitting room, bedroom or bathroom and the place didn't offer much else to hide.

„No, of course not. We have been waiting for the past twenty-five minutes or so for you to walk out like you said you would."

„Well, then where the hell is he?" Olivia asked, trying to think but all it did was make her headache double.

„We're coming in, Olivia. Is it _safe_ to come in?" Voight feared that this call was not legit, that Rostock was still there and threatened Olivia, that he made her say Rostock was gone. It was the only scenario that made any sense because a person couldn't simply evaporate into think air. It was just not possible.

„Yes, it's safe," she said slowly, feeling that she swayed lightly. She made it to the wall and put her body weight against it, trying to stay upright. „I think I need a…"

Then there was a thud.

„Liv? Liv?" Voight asked and eventually shouted. „Olivia?"

…

When she woke up she was in a hospital room that felt way too cold. Her head was buzzing but the pain was manageable. An IV went into her left hand. For a few moments Olivia was confused but everything came back to her slowly. How Rostock had overpowered her and tied her to a chair. How he had told her he wasn't going to do anything to her, that he only wanted to talk, wanted to get to know her. How eventually he had pistol whipped her and she must have passed out. And then he had been gone and she must have lost consciousness again.

„Welcome back."

Olivia's eyes followed the voice that came from the doorway. She tried to manage a smile but her face remained passive as Voight entered the room. The look on his face was worry and relief at the same time.

„Hank. What happened?" She was pretty sure she knew what happened but at the same time some of it was a blur.

„You collapsed and were in and out of consciousness on the way to the hospital. Got a concussion and they had to stitch you up. You had a pretty nasty laceration on your forehead."

„Rostock? Have you… is he…?"

„Don't ask me how but he's gone. I was hoping you could tell me something," Hank said, walking over to sit down. He hoped the nurse wasn't going to walk in because while visitors were allowed, she had advised him against asking questions just yet because Olivia needed to rest.

„He's erm… I thought he was going to shoot me and then he pistol whipped me and I think I was out. When I woke up he… he was already gone."

„Do you have any idea how he managed to get away under our noses?" It was the million dollar question. There had been police in the building, in the hallways, so Rostock couldn't have gotten out through the main entrance. They have had eyes on every window, on the fire escape. Snipers had been positioned on the roof. The guy had done the impossible somehow. Cops have searched every last inch of his apartment, not that there had been many hiding places.

„No, I don't. I…," she closed her eyes and tried to think. There were so many bits of pieces that came to her all at once. „He asked me an odd question at some point. If I… if I believed in tricks or…or in magic," she tried to remember his words. „Magic, I think it was." It hadn't made any sense at the time but now, seeing somehow Rostock had escaped without their notice and without a trace, the words actually computed.

„Alright." Voight had already thought so, otherwise she would have spoken differently on the phone before she had lost consciousness. If Olivia had known or assumed anything at all, she would have told them right off the bat.

„So he's gone?"

„We're looking for him but…"

„He could be anywhere."

„We're checking airports and train stations but it's doubtful he's going to use either," Voight said gruffly but his face was soft. „How are you doing?" Slowly he reached out and brushed his thumb over the back of her hand. She looked like hell. She had a patch on the right side of her forehead and the discoloration of the bruise had by now spread to her eyebrow with some swelling. She had thrown up at least once and a nurse had scantly cleaned Olivia's face and hair once she had gotten a room, still sleeping from pain killers and a mild sedative.

„Got a bit of a headache but I'll live."

„He got you good there, probably gonna keep a scar."

„What's one more, right?" It was a lame attempt at a joke and no smile reached her face or her eyes.

„Is there anyone I can call for you? Your nanny? They are already in the know at SVU." She thought of Noah, but she'd call him either later or in the morning, depending on what time it was. And then it hit her. Tom. He had no idea she was injured. She could remember that she had promised him to get in touch today. But was it going to do any good if she told him that she had gotten hurt and was now at the hospital, stitched up and recovering from a concussion? He wasn't going to be able to do anything except worry. He was 800 miles away, in an other state, and unlike her co-workers he wasn't trained to keep his cool in these kinds of situations. Of course she wouldn't be able to hide what had happened once she was back in New York. The sutured cut wouldn't heal within a week. But she really took issues with worrying him when there was nothing he could do and thus make him feel terrible.

„No, thanks. I'm going to call Noah when I get the chance. When are they going to discharge me?"

„With luck tomorrow, maybe the day after," Voight told her. „They want to monitor you, make sure you're okay. I doubt there's anything left to do here, so once you're cleared for traveling you can hop on the next plane home."

„What about Rostock?"

„I don't think we'll see him again anytime soon." They had to be realistic. With no single starting point where to search, no idea where Rostock might be hiding out, the chances of finding him were close to zero.

„So all of this was for naught. The past two and a half weeks," she sighed. And possibly it was all Olivia's fault. She shouldn't have gone in alone. There were reasons for rules and protocols and the aftermath surely wouldn't be pretty.

„You should rest. Get some sleep."

„Voight?"

„Yes?"

„I'm sorry." He would know what for and no doubt was there some small part of him that blamed her, too.

„Just get well. I'll see you tomorrow, Benson."

…


	39. Welcome To New York

**Author's note: And another short one before we can finally get back to some proper Olivia and Tom relationship matters.**

„To health." Voight raised his glass and his Detectives and Olivia all did the same.

„To health." The choir of voices repeated before they each downed their whiskey shot. It was Olivia's third and last. She had her suitcase with her at the bar and within the next twenty she'd take a cab to the airport. Rostock had slipped away under their nose and they had finally figured out how. There was a trapdoor hidden under the carpeting of his bedroom, a relict of the fifties when the facility manager at the time had lived in the apartment. The bedroom was right above the boiler room and back in the day the boiler pressure had to be checked late in the evenings. Instead of walking the hallways at night, the guy had simply worked on a shortcut. From the boiler room Rostock had access to the entire basement and unfortunately also to the basements of the adjacent buildings. It was not a celebration but friends having a drink say goodbye to Olivia and also to drown the anger in alcohol.

„That's it for me," Olivia said. „Cab's gonna be here soon. I should wait outside, I could do with some fresh air." The bar was crowded and a little dingy, not the place she'd usually frequent. It reminded her of the cop bars she had visited two decades ago, when the atmosphere of the place didn't matter and she was only trying to get a fix after a terrible case.

„I'll walk you out," Voight offered as everyone else said their goodbyes. He took Olivia's suitcase and walked after her when she was ready shaking hands with his team. The night was cool and Olivia pulled her gloves from the pocket of her coat.

„So, you're leaving again."

„As I always do," Olivia smiled softly. The whiskey kept her warm from the inside. She watched Hank shoving his hands into his pockets, his eyes settling on her stitches. The area around the cut was still discolored but the swelling was going back.

„You sure you're ready to travel?" Two days after a concussion didn't seem like enough time to recover and get on an airplane. Hank wasn't even convinced the doctor at the hospital had cleared her, after all she had left the hospital after less than twenty-four hours against medical advice.

„I'm sure I wanna get home." She was the master of avoidance, knowing Hank wasn't going to argue with her.

„Gonna miss me?" Voight's words were light, they were spoken with ease.

„A little bit," Olivia smiled. „You got a good team here, Hank. Don't be too hard on Halstead. I wasn't playing fair there," she admitted. „I'm sorry for that. It cost us the case."

„You don't know that, Liv. He was… we didn't have anything solid on him and I'm not all that sure any judge would have signed a warrant because we had a hunch or a victim thought she might remember something three years after the fact. We weren't in the best place evidence wise." He stepped closer and brought one hand to her cheek, touching it gently. Olivia's eyes slipped close, allowing the sweet gesture. „I'm gonna miss you, Benson." And then, slowly, he put his mouth on hers, kissing her softly as his hand slipped from her face to the back of her neck. For a few seconds Olivia stood unmoving but as Voight's tongue started to testily pry her lips apart she exhaled slowly and pulled back, the realization hitting her fully.

„I… I'm sorry Hank, I can't," she told him, taking one step backwards and touching her gloved fingertips to her lips. Maybe she should have seen it coming. It wasn't the first time. Hell, it had ended in Voight's bed the last time but they had both agreed that it hadn't meant anything - couldn't have meant anything.

„Because I'm still here and you're still in New York," he repeated her reasoning back to her with as much disappointment as understanding. He was not sorry that he had kissed her, even if it had been a bit selfish.

„No," Olivia shook her head slowly, her eyes finding his. „Because there's someone else that I really like," Olivia told him honestly. If it wasn't for Tom she'd probably let her reasons go to hell, would have let them gone to hell upon her arrival already. Hank Voight and her would never have been more than what they had been in the past. Friends. Occasional lovers. But not a couple, nothing real because long distance would have never worked between them, not with their job, their lives. This time around there had been no temptation at all. Olivia had come for the case and she had focused on nothing but the case.

„He a good guy?"

„Very."

„So…"

„So that means I can't go around and kiss other people. I don't want to, either," she said, making things very clear.

„You haven't said anything."

„I didn't think I'd have to." She stepped closer again. „You should get back inside, make this easy," Olivia told him before she hugged him. She felt Voight's lips on her ear as he inhaled her scent.

„Is it serious with him?" She couldn't help but chuckle at the question. It was almost comedic, but she had a feeling that Voight needed to test the waters some more. See if there was hope for the next time, so to speak.

„Yeah, I think it is."

„Lucky bastard." He released Olivia and put both his hands on her upper arms, rubbing them affectionately. „You take care of yourself, Liv."

„You too, Hank," she said softly and watched him turned around and walk back inside the bar, smiling as she watched him vanish behind closed doors.

…

In this relationship Tom felt lost more often than not. He had been warned about the hours, about the interruptions at the worst of times, about the job coming first. It was a no brainer. Rape victim beat dinner. Being aware of all these things, however didn't make the reality any easier.

It was hard to come second. Well, third really. And it was especially hard to feel like he came last ever since Olivia had left for Chicago two weeks and four days ago. She had promised to call several times and 75% of the times she hadn't. She had answered his texts but often it had felt like a short bush off. Of course she was there for work and not for her personal enjoyment, and Tom knew she probably had a lot to do, but there were moments when he truly wondered if he mattered so little that she couldn't even give him a call at night, even if it were only a couple of minutes for them to talk.

It was now Friday night - technically Saturday because it was past midnight and Tom hadn't really heard from her in two days. In fact he felt like she ignored him by now and he couldn't figure out why she would do that. Was he too clingy? Did he ask for too much when he wanted to be in touch at least once a day and hear how she was doing? Tom wanted to believe that she'd tell him if it was too much for her, if she felt like she needed some space. But to hear nothing at all.

He felt paranoid by now. He kept checking his phone several times an hour to see if he had missed a call, if he had accidentally put his phone on silence, if she had texted, if she had been online. It was driving him sheer crazy and he couldn't even tell her without coming off like a person who was totally unreasonable just because he hadn't heard from his very hard working Lieutenant girlfriend for two days. But bottom line was… it didn't feel right. The fact that she couldn't dedicate two minutes of a day's time to him felt utterly wrong.

Tom groaned and turned in his bed, starting to wonder if she was going to stay in Chicago over the Christmas holidays. Maybe she'd fly Noah and Lucy in. But even if that was the case, didn't he deserve to hear the news, too? He understood when plans changed, hell he'd even understand if they needed more time to solve the case they were working in Chicago. But he wanted to be talked to, wanted to be involved, wanted to matter on _some_ level.

He willed himself to close his eyes as his phone buzzed with an incoming message.

 ** _12:59 AM Olivia_**

 _ **In case you're not asleep, which you probably are, can you buzz me in?**_

Tom scanned the letters and for a moment the words made no sense. Buzz her in? As into the building? As in she was in front of his building. In New York? For a second Tom pondered if he was dreaming, but even dreaming he should do the one logical thing. At first he wanted to call her, ask her if she was serious but a call would mean wasting time. So, he got out of bed instead and walked to the intercom, pushing the button that would allow Olivia to open the door. Still in disbelief he unlocked the door and he indeed heard heavy footsteps echoing in the hallway. With key in hand and barefoot he stepped into the hallway and walked towards the staircase in only his boxers and indeed he saw Olivia round the corner, looking up at him, hair quite messy and carrying a suitcase. He couldn't believe it. She hadn't called, she hadn't texted. She hadn't said a single word of coming back or stopping by but all of that didn't matter at all as he quickly took the stairs.

„What are you doing here?" he asked, still completely taken aback as he took the suitcase from her. „Give me that. God `livia, why didn't you say something? I would've picked you up at the airport," he reasoned and tried to get a good look at her as they were walking upstairs and finally into the apartment. He switched on the light and saw it then, sutures on the right side of her forehead, a purple bruise surrounding it that reached down to her eyebrow. Before, in the dimly lit staircase, it had seemed like a just a shadow. „What the hell happened?" He asked but didn't give her a second to answer. Instead he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, worried but mainly happy to have her back. „God, I've missed you."

„I'm so sorry I didn't call," she apologized. She was. She had struggled with the decision not to because it would have been nearly impossible not to tell him how disastrous the past couple of days had been. Instead she had booked the first flight back to New York and by the time she had landed, Olivia had made up her mind to go and see Tom first.

„It's okay. It's okay," he said, pulling back enough to take her in again before he kissed her, feeling Olivia's lips melt against his. He felt her completely succumb to him in that moment and felt like he needed to breathe her in after all this time.

„What happened there?" He asked, barely taking his mouth off of hers, their noses still touching. It looked bad and different scenarios popped up in Tom's mind.

„Guy pistol whipped me. I'm okay, though. Four stitches and a bit of a concussion," Olivia explained sheepishly. „I guess I'll take it easy for a couple of days."

„Son of a bitch," Tom whispered, leaning back enough to look at the wound again. „Did you at least get him then?"

Olivia winced, still not ready to accept that Rostock had escaped. Even if they hadn't gotten them for the rapes, he had held a cop hostage, had hit her to unconsciousness twice. It would have made for quite some time. „No and I'd rather not talk about it. The past three weeks have been a waste of time and energy and I just… I just wanna forget about this one," she admitted, resting her head against Tom's shoulder, careful about her sutures.

„Are you sure you're okay?" He was worried and when he heard concussion he instantly thought of long term damage in a worst case. She should rest, he knew that much. „How did they even let you fly?"

„They didn't. I kind of… released myself from the hospital and booked the first flight back here."

„`livia," he sighed softly, stroking her hair that still felt cool from the winter air. He was ready to tell her how stupid of an idea that had been, that a concussion was not something to take lightly or ignore altogether. But he couldn't really start and tell her how wrong this was or give her the third degree why she'd do something so reckless when it came to her health when she had come here first. Ten minutes ago Tom had been miserable and questioning her, questioning the entire relationship because he thought she couldn't even put him first for two minutes a day, for a simple conversation on the phone. And now here she was, not with her son, not with just anyone - she had come here first, had come home to him. She might have been wrong for not calling even when she had promised but how could he possibly be upset about any of it now?

„I know, I know," she said quickly. „I just wanted to get home," she said.

„You should've called. I would've flown in, stayed there with you until it was safe for you to travel."

„I know that you would've done that and I didn't want you to. I didn't want to worry you or go through any trouble and because I couldn't lie to you and say everything was fine I… I decided not to call at all and just come back and… here I am."

„Here you are," Tom said and kissed her forehead. „I'm glad you're back but Jesus, Olivia," he shook his head. „Can you not give me such a scare next time and show up looking like this without a warning?"

„That bad?"

„You're beautiful, you know that but this? Just has me worried, especially knowing you had or have a concussion. When did that even happen?"

„Thursday, late afternoon." Tom looked at her and shook his head. So just a little over 24 hours later she had gotten on a plane. But no lectures, he reminded himself. As tempting as it was.

„You look tired."

„I am tired."

„Do you stay?" He didn't want to assume. She might have only stopped by to say hello, tell him she was back.

„Of course I stay. Wild horses couldn't drag me out." She hadn't come here without reason and she was beyond exhausted with another headache coming on. In her purse she had some more painkillers and she'd take one before bed.

„Great." Tom sounded glad and let his fingers slip into her hand. „Let's get you to bed then, you mad woman."


	40. Honesty

Twenty minutes later, after a quick shower and brushing her teeth, Olivia lay in Tom's arms. The comforter was pulled up to her chest, his middle. Her head rested comfortably on his chest. He saw the offensive white corner of the bandaid he had helped put on her forehead before her shower. His thumb caressed her hip as he listened to her even breathing pattern, thinking she has probably fallen asleep already until she proved him wrong.

„Are you going to leave tomorrow?"

„Yeah. We all agreed on Sunday. I'll leave in the afternoon." Tom tried to keep his voice even. He hated the thought of leaving her behind over the Christmas holidays, although it was what Olivia had chosen. He hadn't seen her in too long, hadn't been able to touch her, hold her, kiss her or even talk to her for longer than a few minutes at a time. One night squeezed in between her work related obligations in Chicago and him going to spend Christmas with his family did not suffice. Only Tom couldn't tell her that, because he had brought it up a few times and between her saying she needed to think about spending the evening of Christmas Day together and admitting she hadn't thought about it when they had last spoken on the phone, he didn't want to push any more. Olivia knew what he thought, she knew his opinion and willingness to drop all family related revelries to come back to New York and spend a small portion of the day with her. „Do you and Noah have any special plans or are you going to stay home, just the two of you?"

„Well, Amanda and her daughter are probably going to come over. Her mother won't make it this year and she can't fly out to Atlanta because of work so," she exhaled heavily.

He had heard a thing or two about Olivia's colleagues and knew that Amanda was a blonde Detective with a daughter a little younger than Noah. He had figured that out because he had seen the woman once when he had waited for Olivia at the hospital when she had spoken to a victim. They seemed to be on very friendly terms outside of work, babysitting for each other every once in a while or taking the kids to activities. They were close enough for Amanda to have a spare key to Olivia's place. Tom had once overheard Olivia telling Amanda on the phone to just let herself in and get Jesse's cuddly toy.

„It's better than being alone, I suppose," he mumbled in thought. He covered her hipbone with his palm and his hand stilled.

„Yeah," Olivia agreed softly, craning her neck to get a glimpse at Tom. She had an idea of what was on his mind and it would be impossible to get it off of hers now. At the hospital she had thought about Tom's proposal to come by in the evening of the 25th and clearly a part of her wanted that. But there were concerns, there was doubt. Noah would likely go to bed much later than his usual bedtime, he might not be able to sleep because of the excitement of the day. And she didn't want his family to have to spend a good portion of the holidays without Tom, especially his mother and sister. She knew that things between Tom and Rebecca were going to be okay, but he had admitted they were phoning less, that after their fight things were still a little awkward. She hoped Christmas would help to fix everything else between the siblings. And with that knowledge she put the final nail in the proverbial coffin. „I'm going to miss you," she whispered softly, touching her warm palm to his nude chest. She thought she could hear Tom swallow his disappointment.

„I'm going to miss you, too." He had been fully prepared for the final no. Surprisingly it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. He understood her reasons. Until he'd officially meet Noah, Olivia would be cautious. He'd tell his family about her and that was something. He knew that her colleagues, who were also Olivia's friends, a bit of a family even, were aware that she was in a relationship. By now she kissed him in public, she didn't hide anything when they met at the diner. Even the staff at his school was in the know that Tom was dating Noah Porter Benson's mother. In the past four months of their relationship they had made a lot of progress and next year, Tom told himself, next year Christmas would be different. Next year, God willing, he was going to spend it with them.

The mattress dipped under Olivia's weight as she shifted and straightened her torso into a position that allowed her to kiss Tom. Instantly her body felt warmer against his. She could feel him reach around her and pull the blanket tighter around them. It was like he wanted to shield them, shield what they had from everything else, keep the outside world out so only they existed. A hand settled against the left side of Olivia's face and from the slope of her cheek fingers reached and crawled to the back of her neck. For a split second it was deja-vu.

Chicago. Hank. Outside of a bar.

Olivia had come to the conclusion that it hadn't held any meaning for her or her relationship with Tom. There was no good reason to tell him and maybe unsettle him. It had been nothing but a kiss, completely meaningless. She had stopped it, she had realized she didn't want it. She had even told Hank that she was with someone and to go back inside. And now, here in bed with Tom, she realized that keeping it from him would mean that there was reason to be secretive. That it would be a lie. That it had power. And God, she did not want anything to have that kind of power. Lying had never worked for her. It had always backfired.

Her body easily slid in next to Tom's and they were a perfect fit like this. It was slow and intimate, the way he opened his mouth and their tongues met diffidently. She wanted to leave Hank out of this, out of their kiss, out of the bedroom. She was going to tell him. Just not like this. Not now. Not when Tom was being so generous with his mouth.

Her lips had been aching to be kissed like this, be kissed by him. She hadn't even realized how much she had missed Tom until she had seen him earlier, until he had wrapped his arms around her, had held her.

Olivia felt Tom's restraint more than the slow-building heat. His fingers were slow and gentle against her stomach and never dipped lower than her panty line. It frustrated her, because after almost four weeks she wanted him. More than that her body wanted him, craved for his.

Tom let her breathe as his mouth dragged to her cheek, then to her earlobe, and every hair on her body stood erect as he heavily exhaled against her sensitive ear. Olivia's entire body shuddered with sensation. Wetness pooled between her legs. When she shifted again, Olivia could feel his erection and it was torturous to feel Tom pull his hips back, away from her.

„I want you." Her words scattered between them. There was no space between their torsos but they were disjointed at the hips. Olivia's voice were enticing, drawing him in. They were almost persuasive.

„You've got a concussion," he breathed, summoning every bit of willpower he could muster. Hell, he never had to say no to a woman that wanted him, a woman that was wrapped around him. And this was Olivia, which made it a hell of a lot harder.

„I'm fine." She had taken a pill against the headache that was only a dull ache at this point, nothing that was going to hold her back.

Tom wanted to argue and tell her she was not. He had noticed the intake of painkillers before they headed in, she had even admitted to having a bit of a headache. And even if she hadn't, with a concussion she needed rest.

„No condoms." A blatant lie. After they had run out the last time, he had purchased a couple of boxes. But Olivia didn't know that. Not as long as she wouldn't open the drawer anyway.

„Don't be difficult," she laughed.

„I'm not being difficult," he told her, kissing her lips.

„Are you clean?" He stopped dead and looked at her. Of course he was clean. Hell, he had tested for any STDs when Olivia had made it clear that a condom was obligatory until she'd see a slip that attested to a clean bill of health, he even would have told her but didn't want to make it seem like he couldn't wait to forgo the rubber. He closed his eyes and shook his head, chuckling desperately. The lack of a condom was supposed to save him.

„Wasn't it you who told me better be safe than sorry?" Olivia had explained that she wasn't gambling with protection ever since she had an HIV scare from an ex that had been positive. Also it was probably why she was still on the pill although he was sterile, on the off chance that all tests had been wrong and there could still be that one spermatozoon that would magically find its way into her uterus.

„I've seen the letter in the kitchen, Tom. I know you've got a clean bill of health in that department." She wasn't sure if Tom had left the letter out in plain sight so she'd see it. She had often seen mail on his kitchen counter, opened and unopened. Olivia hadn't even read it intentionally, it were the words S _yphilis, HIV, Gonorrhea_ and others that had caught her attention and caused her to quickly scan the results as she had poured herself a cup of coffee. All negative.

Tom sighed and nose to nose with her closed his eyes. „`livia."

„My friends call me Liv, you know?"

The nickname easily rolled off her tongue and it sounded like a purr aiming to weaken Tom's defenses.

„Liv?" It was the first he had ever heard of it but it sounded fitting and nice. He wondered if him calling her Olivia somehow bothered her, if she liked _Liv_ better.

„Yeah, Liv," she mumbled and attached her lips to his again.

It all made sense then.

„I know what you're doing," Tom warned, his voice as thin and weak as his bodily repression in the moment. „And it's not a good idea. You need rest, not… stress." He was lacking a better word.

„Sex isn't stressful," she purred again and Tom could swear he was coming undone. „In fact I've heard it reduces stress."

„I'm putting my foot down," he tried with conviction and as hard as it was he pulled away to grasp a clear thought that didn't involve his dick.

„You can't be serious," Olivia whined as she realized he stonewalled her. „It's been three weeks."

„Four."

„See, that's even worse." With a deep breath Tom decided to ignore anything sex related. He was not going to discuss how four weeks were worse than three weeks without sex, or how it was not a stressful act at all.

„So… Liv? Do you want me to call you Liv?" She eyed him and raised her brow quizzically.

„You can call me what you want, I don't care if it's Olivia or Liv."

„But everybody calls you Liv?"

„You're not going to touch me, are you?"

„I'm not going to sleep with you," he corrected. Who was he kidding, he couldn't keep his hands to himself completely.

„You know that's what I meant," she sighed with frustration. „Goddamn concussion." She reminded him of a sulking child that hadn't gotten its way and it was funny and adorable.

„I just don't think we should just now. Give it a couple of days."

„I could google it," Olivia suggested.

„Google what? If it's safe to have sex with a concussion? They don't tell you to rest for no reason, Olivia. I'm pretty sure that means no sex."

„I don't even have to move," she shrugged. „Well, not a lot at least."

Tom snorted with laughter and looked at her. It was her face that told him she was dead serious about all of it.

„Go ahead and google away," he said, reaching for her phone on his nightstand. Olivia took it and about thirty seconds later her face fell.

„Oh, oh… she's found something." His voice was amusement and it earned him a dirty glare.

„I hate you a little bit right now." She let her phone drop next to her.

 _It's better to wait and not engage in any activities that increase blood pressure or heart rate as long as there are still symptoms of a concussion._ Such as her headache, even if it wasn't killing her. Then again it had been bad enough to vindicate the intake of painkillers.

„As long as you're going to stop seducing me with every trick in the book that's fine with me," Tom told her and rolled back against her, kissing her on the head.

For a few moments they lay in completely silence that had Tom thinking that it was late and they should probably sleep. Olivia had been tired when she had arrived about an hour ago. Now it seemed the shower had revived her.

„Why didn't you tell me you got tested?" She was curious about this. They have had a conversation regarding protection and STDs, she had even told him that she once had an HIV scare that had kept her on her toes for six excruciating weeks. It seemed odd not to mention getting tested.

„I guess I didn't want to be overzealous or make it seem like I have a problem with using condoms. I would've told you eventually. Or maybe I was waiting for you to bring it up again. I really don't know."

„Do you feel like you can't talk to me about it? I mean, I don't think there's any man out there who likes condoms for anything else than the safety aspect. I'm not entirely sure I do, either," Olivia admitted. Those thirty seconds of putting it on could kill the mood. It certainly often caused her body to cool down entirely.

„It's not that. I know we can talk about these things, I have no problem talking about sex or protection or whatever aspects of our relationship. You seemed to be in a zone of comfort with the way things were." He turned into her and hooked one leg around Olivia's as he faced her. „I didn't think it held much importance. You told me why it was important to you to know for fact your sexual partners are free of any STDs and I heard you and got tested so when the time comes and we decide we don't want to keep using condoms we are free to be more spontaneous." He smoothed back a strand of hair that had fallen across Olivia's cheek and studied her face as an expression of contentment settled on his own. She looked a little paler than usual but her cheeks were still flushed from the beginning stages of foreplay that had never developed further. Her eyes were dark yet soft and the bruise that had spread all the way down to Olivia's eyebrow reminded him once more why it had been best to stonewall his girlfriend's advances.

„What?" She stage whispered the question, because his gaze made her wonder what was going through his head.

„Nothing. Just glad you are here. I wasn't expecting to see you before the holidays." His thumb gently swiped back and forth across her cheek. Tom realized what a peculiar thing forgiveness was. He had already forgiven her for not calling as often as she had said. He had forgiven her for the doubt it has caused him. He thought that a couple of years ago, he wouldn't have been all that forgiving, that maybe he would have picked a fight just to make a point and let his opinion on how shitty her behavior was be known. He no longer had that desire to be right just for the hell of it all.

„I told you I'd be back before Christmas," she breathed against his lips.

She had told him many things. It hadn't looked so bright.

„Didn't guarantee I'd get to see you," he said back. „How was Chicago anyway? Work aside I mean. You got along with the people?"

„Yeah. I mean, I've known them all before, it was good to see them again. It's been awhile."

She had mentioned that she's worked with the Chicago Police Department before, but Tom hadn't been sure if it had been the same people, the same team.

„You went out a lot?" The few times they had spoken on the phone Olivia had mentioned drinks with the Chicago Detectives or the guy name Voight. He wasn't jealous over it, if anything he was glad that she allowed for distractions from the case.

„A few times. Beat the crappy hotel room, the NYPD isn't very generous when it comes to accommodation," Olivia scoffed. Again she had to think of the bar, the kiss before she climbed in the back of a taxi. For the first time her conscience knocked and reminded her that she had to tell Tom and weaken the impact time would create. It wasn't right to pretend it never happened, especially when it was meaningless to Olivia. „Look, there's something I should tell you," she started and wetted her lips.

„Okay," Tom said curiously.

„I don't even know if it's right to tell you, or if it's wrong but I… I don't want anything to stand between us and I know how important honesty is to you and it is to me, too."

„Are you trying to freak me out?" He asked and chuckled nervously. A conversation that started like this was never good news, was it?

„No, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to freak you out, I'm rambling, I know. So, last night right before I headed to the airport, Hank… Voight, he kissed me. It didn't mean anything." When someone said it didn't mean anything, didn't that prove that it meant something? Should she not have mentioned it? Should she elaborate? She could see Tom's face take on a look of confusion before he nodded slowly.

„Okay. Erm… did you… kiss him back or…?" He didn't know what he was asking. Did he even want to know? Did it go further than that? There were a million questions that started to burn beneath his skin.

„I didn't kiss him back. I was confused for a moment. I think and didn't react at all for a second or two." Or three, or four she thought. „But I stopped it, of course. Told him that I have someone and…"

„That was the only reason you didn't kiss him back? Because… you have someone?" Tom didn't know why her words rubbed him wrong. It shouldn't matter what she told the guy. What mattered was that she had stopped it. But every attempt at a rational thought fell flat.

„No, I…" The question made Olivia uncertain. Was there an answer to it? Did she stop it just because she was in a relationship, because she wasn't a cheater? Because she had feelings for someone else and not Voight? And would it be wrong if the only reason she didn't let it go further was her current relationship? What would it matter if she was single? She could kiss whoever she wanted. She could even sleep with whoever she desired, that would be her freedom, her choice to make as a single woman.

„Did you want to kiss him back?" Jealousy was rearing its ugly head. It was no surprise. Olivia had been in Chicago for three weeks, that guy Voight had spent much more time with her than Tom had. They had barely talked, she hadn't kept promises of calling him, hell she hadn't even contacted him when she had been injured and had been admitted to the hospital. Why should he not question if she wanted to be kissed, if she had _liked_ it?

„Wh… No, I did not," Olivia said earnestly, sitting up in bed. „Look, it happened, I stopped it. I did not want to be kissed, I did not initiate anything."

Tom believed her, he did but it still made him feel jealous and angry. He wondered if she had sent any signals that the guy had misread or if she had flirted subconsciously, maybe even consciously to feel wanted or to see what her current value was on the dating market. „Fine. I…," he exhaled heavily and roughly rubbed his palm over his face. „I guess I'm just wondering why he'd do that." Did he need to question it? Olivia was a beautiful woman. Driven. Sexy. She was a cop. Stranger things have happened.

Olivia nodded and thought about what to say. She could deny the true reasons and pretend she had no idea what had made Voight kiss her. Or she could stick to the truth.

„As I said… we knew each other from past cases. We've worked together a few times. And to be completely honest… we had a fling a few years ago," Olivia admitted. Again she wanted to say that it had been meaningless but she bit her tongue.

That had not been the kind of answer Tom had wanted or expected. A fling. What exactly was the definition of a fling? A one time sexual encounter? An affair that had lasted for however long Olivia had stayed in Chicago in the past? Again he questioned if he wanted to know.

„You slept with him."

„Back then I did, yes."

Tom wondered what the guy looked like, what that thing between them had been then and what it was now. Did Olivia feel attracted to him? Would she have slept with him if her hands hadn't been tied by a relationship? Or worse - had adultery crossed her mind?

„Okay." He stayed calm and made a conscious effort to breathe in and out and think clearly. „And you didn't tell me why? Before you left for Chicago?" God, he couldn't even tell if he would have wanted to know. Sometimes it was better to be blissfully unaware.

Olivia could hear the reproach in Tom's words. It was a valid question. Truth was, she had never even considered telling him because for her it was out of the question that anything like it was going to happen again. Things had changed. She was no longer single, no longer had an interest in a quick love affair with Voight during her stay. „Because it's in the past," Olivia said softly. „I didn't even think about any of it before I left here." Her fingers timidly wrapped around Tom's hand, trying to convince him that it had no significance to her or their relationship. Tom didn't look at her, seemed to refuse to do so.

„What is he to you? That guy?"

Olivia could not fault Tom for the questions or any uneasiness he felt. She couldn't even fault him if what he felt was anger. He had a history of being cheated on. Of course that wasn't what this was about, Olivia had not cheated on Tom, had not slept with Voight and she has had no intention of doing so. But to confront someone who had been burned in the past with a kiss, no matter if she had stopped it, was a touchy subject.

„I consider him a friend when we see each other. We're not constantly in touch. Every now and then he sends an email, or I do. When we're working together we make a good team. What we had hadn't been serious. It wasn't going to go anywhere and we both knew it. We were two friends who had sex. And none of it has anything to do with you and me. I didn't say anything because I didn't think of Voight or whatever it was between us when I heard about Chicago. My mind was on the case and it was on Noah and it was on you. And if that kiss had any impact on me, it was that I realized just how much I missed you and that it was about time I got back here." She waited and there wasn't a visible reaction to anything she had said. „Could you look at me, Tom? Please?"

He exhaled and turned his head. His eyes settled on hers and Tom's face softened as she squeezed his hand.

„None of it changes anything for me. It's in the past and whatever meaning it held then, it exists in the past only. It wasn't of importance last night and it isn't of importance for _me_ now. I am sorry if you think I should have told you about it before I left but I stand by what I said: I haven't wasted a single thought on him in that regard. I went to Chicago for a job, not for him."

„Okay." It slowly dawned on Tom that his reaction was irrational. Olivia hadn't given him any specific reason to get so jealous or ask what the guy meant to her or if she had wanted to kiss him under different circumstances. She had a past and so had he. Hell, he had slept with many women in the past four years and it had nothing to do with his feelings for Olivia or their relationship. There were no points of contact whatsoever. „I'm sorry. I didn't meant to… I know you wouldn't do that. I had a moment of…" He was lacking the actual words. „…just a moment. It's not that I don't trust you." Tom knew the difference between what had happened in his past relationship and what had happened in Chicago. He knew the difference between what Sarah had done and a kiss that Olivia hadn't initiated.

„It's okay, I understand. I'd wonder about the same things if roles were reversed," Olivia assured him. „I thought about not saying anything because I didn't want to confront you with something that didn't mean anything to me but I realized that keeping it a secret would make it matter. I don't want to keep anything from you. I am here. I am in this with you, not anyone else. And I'm right where I want to be."

„I don't like the guy and I don't even know him." He felt it was something natural. He was bound to dislike anyone who had slept with Olivia and not knowing Voight made it quite easy. He was some faceless prick who had crossed a line.

„That's okay, he isn't very likable sometimes," Olivia said softly. Voight was a good guy but he had a temper and it was something that she didn't like, something she found hard to handle whenever she was around him.

They would never have worked as a couple. In part Olivia believed it was the reason Hank and her had worked so easily when their jobs were pushed aside. Nothing had been at risk when it came to them. Olivia had had nothing to lose and nothing to gain. They were friends, drinks and sex had served a purpose. Sometimes it had been passionate, sometimes comfortable and easy. But it had never been about them. It had never been about anything more than attraction and using each other to forget things for a few moments. Here in this room, in this bed with Tom, Olivia held onto that. What she once had with Hank couldn't touch this.

He squeezed her hand back and Olivia smiled. Then something else caught her attention. White flakes were dancing outside and Olivia nodded her head in the direction of the bedroom window. „It's snowing." It was the first snow this winter. Instantly she found herself hoping for a white Christmas, as unlikely as it was in New York City. Whatever came down usually turned to slush within minutes. But right now she was mesmerized by the thick snow flakes that fell steadily and would blanket everything else beneath their white cover. There was something magical about snow around Christmas, something that caused Olivia's heart to swell with joy like it had when she was still a child.

The smile tugging at Olivia's lips didn't fade and content she settles back against the mattress, against Tom, ready to share this moment with him. „I love snow," she whispered, unable to remember who the last person was that she had told. She wanted the uneasiness of her confession to be forgotten and replaced by something beautiful, something special. The mood that had ruled before her revelation was by no means back, maybe it wasn't going to be recreated at all, but it didn't mean they'd fall asleep with uncertainty on their minds. Olivia had always hated to go to sleep when things were unresolved. When there was no hesitance as she nestled in Tom's arm she relaxed and put her head back on his chest.

„Me too," she heard Tom say but this time snow only reminded him of what he was going to miss out on in the following days.

„Maybe this is for us," Olivia mumbled against his warm skin.

„What is?"

„The snow," she said and inhaled deeply and Olivia thought she could smell the rich aroma of the holiday season. Gingerbread and orange zest, cinnamon and fir sprigs. „Tom?"

He shifted against Olivia and folded his arms around her body. „Hm?"

„Merry Christmas."

„Merry Christmas," he whispered back and leaned in to kiss Olivia's hair.


	41. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Author's note: Oh my heart be still - I've been listening to Kacey Musgraves 'Butterflies' in the car for the past few days and I swear, Olivia is all I can think about whenever I hear that lovely song. I think that is exactly how she feels now. So if you're in the mood check it out.**

...

„Mommy!" Noah's squeal made Olivia's heart burst. She instantly dropped onto her knees as her son came running towards her he flew into his mother's open arms. Tears of relief blurred Olivia's vision as she hugged her little boy like she was never going to let go.

„Hey my sweet boy. I've missed you so, so much," she told him, inhaling the rich scent of Noah's hair, a smell that was just him. Before this trip Olivia has had no idea how much being away from home could hurt. It hadn't been just a day or two but three weeks. Three weeks of not seeing Noah, of only hearing his voice before his bedtime to wish him a good night and sing to him flat if her surroundings allowed. She buried her nose in the curls on top of Noah's head and squeezed her eyes shut, forcing tears to slide down her cheeks. It was only when Noah started talking about Santa coming in two days that she started to chuckle. Olivia released her son and looked at Lucy who was moved by the display of affection.

„Hey Lucy," Olivia said softly and got up to walk over. „Thank you so much for everything."

„Don't worry about it. It's good to have you back," Lucy told her and offered Olivia a friendly hug which the older woman gladly accepted. Without Lucy none of this would have been possible. Her nanny had been a lifesaver countless times and she was one of the few people she trusted implicitly.

„I wouldn't have lasted another day," Olivia chuckled as she retreated from the amicable embrace. „Did everything go okay here?" She knew that Lucy would have mentioned problems and difficulties but she also knew that she always weighed the importance.

„As okay as could have been expected. It's been hard on him," Lucy said softly as Noah walked to Olivia and hugged her thighs. „There haven't been any school related issues but I'm sure you knew that already," the nanny smiled knowingly.

„Actually I didn't know that, we barely got to talk but it's good to know that everything's okay in that department." Olivia lovingly ruffled her son's hair. „I'm sure you can't wait to get outta here, let me just write you the check." The one that would blow a massive hole in Olivia's finances because the past three weeks deserved a fat bonus. „Noah honey, I'll be with you in a minute, okay? I'll just have to do something here," Olivia assured before she went to open the drawer that held her checkbook.

„There you go," Olivia said and handed the check over that Lucy quickly scanned.

„Olivia no," she argued. „You don't have to do this." They had agreed on a fair sum per week when Lucy had agreed to stay and take care of Noah for as long as Olivia worked in Chicago. The check exceeded their initial arrangement by far.

„Yes, I do and we both know it's well deserved. It's a Christmas bonus, I'm sure it can't hurt."

Of course it didn't hurt, in fact it was a blessing but Lucy still had reservations to accept the gesture. „Are you sure? This is just too much, Liv."

„I'm sure. And now grab your bag and get outta here, I'm sure your family's already waiting."

„What about you? Is it going to be just the two of you like last year?"

„Amanda and Jesse are going to come over, we'll throw a little something together for dinner, just enjoy each other's company."

Noah had retreated to his room, trusting that Olivia would follow like she had promised a minute ago.

„I had hoped you'd have male company." Lucy clearly alluded to Tom spending the holiday with them.

„Noah doesn't know yet. We're taking it slow for now." Olivia glanced towards Noah's bedroom, seeing him sitting on the floor with his lego.

„That's never wrong," Lucy offered with a smile before she slowly waved the check. „You sure about this?"

„Absolutely," Olivia nodded. „Merry Christmas, Lucy. Enjoy the holidays."

„Merry Christmas," she said back and hugged Olivia again, breathing a heartfelt ‚thank you' into Olivia's ear.

…

„I come bearing gifts," Amanda laughed softly, carrying a rather large bag with wrapped boxes while Jesse's small hand slipped into her mother's.

„Hi Olivia," young Jesse greeted shyly as Noah came running, excited to see his friend Jesse and even more excited to see Amanda bring presents.

„What's all this?" Olivia asked slightly overwhelmed as she bent down a little to be closer to Jesse. „Hey sweet girl, come on in."

„Well, Santa was at our place this morning and as it turns out he had already stopped by at the precinct when you were still in Chicago," Amanda explained. Her and Olivia had agreed on a small gift or two for the kids, which didn't explain that there were at least four wrapped presents in the bag, each with individual wrapping paper.

„I told Fin and Carisi not to do this, that's even worse than the godawful Secret Santa tradition Nick had tried to convince us of." They had done it the second year of working together and the whole thing had been a bit of a disaster.

„And you thought they'd listen to you?" The blonde scoffed as she gently nudged her daughter inside the apartment. „However, I wasn't talking about Fin and Sonny, although you're not wrong. A certain someone figured you'd likely be stopping by the precinct before Christmas.

„Okay," Olivia said in confusion, trying to think who that someone could be. „Cragen?" Her former Captain sent a card and a present for Noah every year, and often there was a bottle of wine that Eileen had picked out attached.

Jesse's initial shyness evaporated the second Noah dragged her to his room to show her all the presents he had gotten from Santa and that he had left something for her, too.

„Try the guy you're dating," Amanda corrected. „Mind you, he tried not to be seen, wanted to leave this with Donna, I just walked by and heard him say your name. I recognized him from the hospital. Don't look so shocked," Amanda chuckled, setting the plastic bag down to take off her coat.

Olivia looked down at the bag holding the presents, trying to figure out why he'd leave a gift for her at the precinct when he could have mailed it or simply given it to her after Christmas. As if Amanda could read her mind, she piped up. „I guess he wanted you to have something to unwrap on Christmas Day. It's quite sweet, if you ask me. The poor guy was uncomfortable when I told him I'm working with you and would make sure you got the gifts in time. And I brought us a gift as well," Amanda beamed, reaching into the bag, producing a light blue bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin. „I hope you like Gin and Tonic."

„Keep talking," Olivia said with intrigue. She could certainly do with a drink. Amanda's left hand pulled out a smaller bottle. „Fever Tree Elderflower flavored Tonic. This stuff is going to rock your world."

…

The kids had unwrapped the presents they believed Santa had left for them at the others house and were off to play in Noah's room while Olivia and Amanda sipped Gin and Tonic on plenty of ice. The drink was perfection in Olivia's opinion. It had been years since she's last had a Gin and Tonic and from what she remembered it had never been that good.

„It's the tonic. Best flavored Tonic water out there, hands down."

„Was the Gin your gift to me? Because I'm going to keep it," Olivia smiled, lips wrapped around the long drink glass.

„Feel free, I've got a bottle at home," Amanda smiled, pulling her legs up. „Don't you wanna open that?" One present was left, a festive card attached to it. There had been a present for Noah with the same wrapping paper that had turned out to be a Guitar Book for kids that the boy had been crazy excited about. But his present for Olivia had remained untouched underneath the artificial Christmas tree.

„Later," Olivia said. She wanted to be alone for this, without anyone watching her or even knowing what her boyfriend had gotten her. For some reason she thought of it as an intimate moment, something that was supposed to belong to her alone. She hadn't heard from Tom since this morning when he had called to wish her a merry Christmas and after Amanda had brought Tom's gift, him asking if she had stopped by at the precinct after she had left his apartment Saturday morning, made sense.

„For how long have you been seeing him? What's his name?"

„Tom," Olivia said, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Noah wasn't overhearing the conversation but her son was completely engrossed in his toys with Jesse. „We've kind of started seeing each other in… June but nothing happened until September."

„He's not in law enforcement, is he?" Certainly not a cop and he didn't have the arrogance of an attorney, either.

„No, he isn't. He's… teaching."

„A professor?"

„Not quite," Olivia said, looking into her glass sheepishly. „He's Noah's preschool teacher." She took another sip of the addictive Gin and Tonic, the slightly bitter liquid sliding down her throat. She thought she was getting a little drunk, deciding that this was her last drink for the night. Sober she wouldn't share this much, although Amanda was a friend, someone she trusted.

„That's so ballsy," the blonde laughed through her nose, mimicking Olivia as she too drank. „Just wait until the vultures catch wind of it." Mommies usually didn't like when some other kid's parent screwed their offspring's teacher. And this was what Olivia loved about Amanda. There were no stupid questions, no need for explanations. She sided with her simply because they were in similar situations, two women who were raising their child on their own, who worked a high stress job with terrible hours. Two women who supported each other as much as they could.

„We're trying to stay off the radar. The school has known for about a month now, I guess the rumors are going to get started eventually."

„Noah doesn't know?" It was easy to tell by the way Olivia had glanced over her shoulder and her voice has dropped in volume as she had started talking about the man she was seeing.

„I'm trying to figure out what the right time is. Is there such a thing as the perfect moment to tell a kid you're seeing someone he already knows?"

„Hell no. There's nothing like the perfect time, Liv. It's like… the whole pregnancy thing. No such thing as the perfect time to have a baby, there's always something that could be better. There's always something that could be much worse, though."

„It was so easy with Tucker."

„He was turning three at the time, Liv. It's always easier when they're that young."

„Do you date?" Olivia had no idea if Amanda did. They weren't usually talking about men, certainly not in great detail. Olivia knew that Declan Murphy was Jesse's father. She knew enough to assume that Amanda and Nick had been sleeping together because for a while things between the two had been eerily easy-going. She suspected there was something between Carisi and Amanda but that neither of them had ever acted on it.

„Here and there," the blonde shrugged. „Nothing serious, though."

„Are you in touch with Murphy?" She could see Amanda's blue eyes darken before she averted her gaze, as if the alcohol in her glass was strangely fascinating.

„He calls when he can. Every couple of months."

„Are you going to tell Jesse?"

„When the time is right," Amanda nodded. „I'm not going to close that door on him. He's her father." She glanced back up and offered Olivia a helpless smile. „Does Noah like Tom as a teacher?"

„Yeah. He really likes him a lot. I think that's what makes it even harder. Not knowing if this change is going to disrupt the dynamic they have in the classroom. Or to think what's going to happen if we should break up. It's not something anyone sees coming." It sure wasn't with Tucker or Brian. Olivia had only realized that things might come to an end when she had thought she was pregnant and Brian had made it pretty clear that he hoped the test would come back negative.

„You know what the problem is? We think too much. Think about every direction something could go and we're really good with the worst case scenario stuff."

„Comes with the territory," Olivia shrugged.

„Probably." Amanda shifted and glanced at her phone. „It's past eight, I should get going. Jesse's going to get cranky within the next half hour." The blonde emptied her drink and put the glass in the kitchen sink. „Jesse, let's go, sweetheart. Time to go home."

The little girl looked tired and didn't put up a fight like she would at any other given time. Amanda picked her up and smiled at Noah. „See you soon, Noah?"

„Yes. It's my birthday soon, Momma said you and Jesse can come. And Sonny, too."

„I'd love that, Champ. You going to invite kids from school?"

„Yes, Mom said I can invite five kids because I'm going to be five," he explained as if Amanda had no idea.

„That sounds so cool."

„You can bring me presents."

„Of course, because it wouldn't be a birthday without presents, would it?"

Noah giggled and offered a toothy grin in agreement. „Does Jesse have to go to bed already?"

„She has, and so do you," Olivia interrupted, leaning against the doorframe of Noah's bedroom. „It's late. How about you go and brush your teeth, get into your pj's and I'm going to be here to read you a story."

„Can we read ‚Oh The Places You'll go?"

„Absolutely." Noah jumped up and waved at the visitors that were about to leave. „Bye Jesse, bye Amanda," he told them and ran off towards his mother's bedroom that led to the bathroom.

„Someone can't wait for February it seems," Amanda smiled and made her way to the sofa where she dressed Jesse, making sure she was going to be warm.

„I'll call you a cab," Olivia offered.

…

The dinner table was still full of delicious food like it was every year for Christmas. There was aroast turkey and beef wellington, green beans, broccoli, baked potatoes with rosemary, carrots and two different salads as well as the homemade chocolate and vanilla puddings left. The Tetley's could feed five families instead of one.

Tom's mother had spent the better part of the day in the kitchen, preparing lunch and dinner while the rest of the family was engrossed in games and conversation accompanied by a little too much eggnog.

„That was great Mom, thank you," Rebecca said, hands folded across her stomach that looked like she was five months pregnant.

„I'll freeze the leftovers, you can take some of it home. You, too Tommy."

„Thanks Mom, but my freezer's overflowing." Tom was positive there was still turkey from last year's Christmas dinner in the back of his small freezer compartment. He reached out for his beer and took a long sip, deciding that now was probably a good time to tell his family about Olivia. Everyone was full and a little tired, conversation had died down to a comfortable level. „So, I actually have some news," Tom announced, getting everyone's attention at once. Rebecca reached for her glass and sipped from her red wine, smiling to herself.

„Have you had enough of the city? Gonna move back, son?" Tom's father had no love for New York. He thought the city was too loud, too fast-paced. He had never understood how Tom could trade Long Island for The Big Apple.

„No Dad, not yet," Tom laughed softly. „I've actually been seeing someone for a while now and things are quite serious, so I figured it's about time I told you."

Tom could basically see how the load was lifted off of his mother's mind.

For the past four years she had been waiting for him to get into a relationship, introduce someone to them. But he had never talked about seeing a woman, he had never brought anyone home for them to meet. For a while she had been scared that Sarah had left him broken, unwilling to ever open up to someone again. She had often asked Rebecca if she knew something they didn't, but those two had always kept each other's secrets, guarding them with everything they had. Rebecca had merely said to leave Tom alone, give him time.

Tom knew that his best bet was to keep talking and give his mother at least some basic information or else he'd lose control over the narrative. „Her name is Olivia, she's a Lieutenant with the NYPD and We've been going out since this summer. She has a four year-old son named Noah, so we're taking it slow. He doesn't know yet which is one of the reasons you aren't going to meet them just yet." At the mention of a child, Tom thought his mother was going to cry with joy. Oddly enough she was stunned to silence, which caused Rebecca to chuckle.

„I think you should stop here, give her some time to digest that there's hope for her beloved baby boy," Rebecca joked and reached out rub her their mother's back.

„You knew, didn't you?" Alice scolded her only daughter. „Of course you knew."

„I was sworn to secrecy but to be honest, if I hadn't stumbled in on a date _accidentally_ , I don't think he would've told me before today," Rebecca said.

„You've met her?"

„Just briefly, Mom. It's been a minute, I didn't want to interrupt their dinner date. At this point I don't know much more than you do." That wasn't completely true, but the least Rebecca could do was to make her mother feel good about this. „He's been awfully secretive about her."

„And you thought Sarah had turned him gay," the oldest brother Jacob, who was actually gay, rolled his eyes at the middle child of the family. As if someone would turn gay because things haven't worked out with a woman.

„Oh please," Rebecca snorted. „He's probably screwed half of Manhattan since his move to New York, he didn't miss out on _anything_ before Olivia _._ "

„Becca, that is not something _anyone_ in this room wants to know about," their mother shook her head in disbelief. „Especially not at the dinner table."

„Yeah, I do. And technically we're done with dinner," the middle brother Nathan piped up, grinning at his wife June who shook her head with amusement. They all loved to rile their mother up. Alice was in no way shy when it came to sexuality, she hadn't raised her children with any shame but when it came to the sexcapades of her offspring she did not want to know.

„I'll go check on Abbie," Walt decided and got up to see if everything was okay with their daughter.

„Thanks honey," Rebecca said and clapped her hands. „Which is our cue, let's get this cleaned up guys!" Their mother had spent all day in the kitchen doing her magic to dish the entire family breakfast, lunch and a dinner that was nothing short of a feast, the least they could do was to help her with the dishes. Within seconds everybody groaned but moved and started to carry leftovers and stacks of plates from the dining area of the sitting room to the spacious kitchen. Rebecca winked at Tom who mouthed his thanks. With everyone having something to do he had some time to breathe before his siblings or parents could ask further questions or worse discuss his sex life during his time as a bachelor. More questions about the woman in his life would sure surface, Alice was curious by nature. His father would never admit it, but he too took an interest in his children's life and wanted to see them happy.

It hadn't been much of a secret that deep down Tom had been miserable for two years when Sarah and him had finally called it quits. He had been so miserable, that without thinking it through he had terminated his lease agreement, quit his job and moved to the City with a promising job offer that he hadn't even been sure he'd take at the time. For a while he had just wanted to disappear, hide out in his small Manhattan bachelor pad and crawl to the bottom of a bottle of hard liquor. But Manhattan was a costly affair and would have swallowed Tom's entire savings within a few short months, so he had been forced to work and had eventually accepted the job offer. He had still been miserable, but at least teaching gave him a reason not to get wasted at night and to get up in the morning. And the private school paid rather well, so there had been that.

Cloistering himself away had worked for a long time. Rebecca had stopped by every weekend at first, sent off by their mother to make sure Tom was okay - all things considered. She had listened when Tom had needed to talk but most of the time they had sat in silence and nursed a drink. For a year he had avoided saying Sarah's name entirely.

After the first year he had started to reach out to friends again, had started to go out again. He had met women, he had flirted but he hadn't been interested in dating. Every few weeks he had someone home, had engaged in a night of sex between strangers because physical intimacy had been all he had been ready to give. And at some point, a little over two years after Tom had left Long Island, he had woken up in the morning and Sarah was no longer the first thing he thought about. And when he had been thinking about her it no longer hurt. Tom had started to date here and there but no woman had caught his interest past a second or third date. Something had always been missing. The pounding heart, the flutter in his stomach, the anticipation of meeting that special someone again.

It hadn't been until Olivia Benson had sat across from him in his classroom to talk about her son until he had felt it. She had taken his breath away from the getgo, like she had cast a spell on him he had been unable to shake off, no matter how hard he had tried.

Olivia had been out of reach at first. And when she had agreed to go out with him, she had become the principle of hope. And now, only four months into their relationship, Olivia was everything. She was bright colors and notes that congregated to a beautiful symphony. She was his haven, the air he wanted to breathe and as frustrating as being with her could be… there was no place else he wanted to be, no one else he wanted to be with. She had entered his life at a time where he had started to feel hopeless, thinking that maybe another love was not in the cards for him, that he was bound to be alone for the rest of his life. Partially that was the reason that he turned a blind eye every so often when Olivia did things he didn't understand fully. Being in a relationship that was a work in progress was better than losing Olivia.

…

„What does she look like? Is she nice?" Everyone but Rebecca and Alice had left the kitchen. Most of the dishes were done, leftovers had been apportioned into different containers and Tupperware boxes. Tom nursed a beer with the guys, June had gone to bed because she had to leave at four in the morning to start her shift at the hospital and Rebecca was in no way surprised that her mother was trying to grill her about the new girlfriend.

„Mom, I doubt you'll get a better idea of what she looks like when I tell you she's a brown-eyed brunette," Rebecca snorted, trying to think of something that would satisfy her mother. „She's tall, about the same height as Tom, I think." She hadn't actually seen the two of them standing next to each other so it was hard to tell. „Good looking, too. You know, why don't you just ask him if he's got a picture."

„Oh, you know your brother. He's not going to show me a picture, he's always been so secretive after Sarah left him."

„He wasn't being secretive, he just didn't have anyone, Mom."

„You said your brother was dating."

„And he was, it just wasn't serious. It's different today. People go out for drinks or dinner and it's-," Rebecca shrugged. „-casual."

„Casual. What does that even mean?" She didn't want to know, she had a pretty good idea of it.

„Just means there's no strings attached, mom. He didn't find the right person and now it seems he has."

„Is she nice?"

„I doubt Tom would date her if he didn't think she's a good person."

„He was with Sarah for years and she obviously wasn't a good person, was she?"

Rebecca leaned against the fridge, drying a pan. Sarah was a sore subject with everyone in the family but especially with Alice.

„I don't think Sarah is a bad person, Mom. She's made mistakes, she's hurt Tom and in a way she's hurt us, too. But from what I've heard about Olivia until now she seems to be a good person with a good heart."

Tom knocked on the doorframe as he smiled and stepped into the kitchen, joining the two women. „You're grilling the wrong person, mother. Becca doesn't really know much more than you this time."

„Oh, don't be ridiculous. I am not grilling your sister, it's just that you're always keeping things like this from me. It's hard to feel excluded or like it's somehow wrong for me to know what's going on in my son's life."

„I've never kept anything from you, Mom. I simply haven't been in a relationship until recently and before either of us shared it with the people we love we wanted to figure things out for ourselves and see if it was serious. I wasn't trying to be secretive or hide her from you, okay? If it's any consolation, she's heard a lot about all of you and I think she's looking forward to get to know everyone. But for now we want to focus on finding the right moment to tell her son and try to make him as comfortable as possible because I'm the first person who he'll actually remember being introduced to. There's a lot going on right now for her, she's got a very demanding job, she's working all hours as head of the unit, there's very little time for just us. So, you'll have to be patient for a little longer, Mom. But I promise you I wasn't making an effort to keep anything from you." He hugged his mother, almost feeling a little sorry that he hadn't told her about Olivia sooner. Tom knew she worried about him the most. He had been the only one without a life partner in the past four, almost five years and had refused to talk about any of it.

„She wants to see a picture," Rebecca said easily, knowing her mother wouldn't ask even though she desperately wanted to.

„A picture… erm… I'm pretty sure I've got a couple on my phone," Tom said with a smile, thinking that Olivia wouldn't mind if he showed them to his mother just so she'd get an idea what the woman he was seeing looked like. Also he wanted to make sure Alice knew that her needs mattered to Tom. He slid his phone out of the back pocket of his denim and unlocked the screen. „Erm, just so you know, Olivia's a few years older than me. Jacob's age, actually."

He said this casually because he didn't want it to be a big deal. He looked at his mother and for a second she seemed to double check if her oldest son was really forty-eight years old, which he was. And that meant that Olivia was roughly ten years older than her youngest son.

„I'd appreciate if you wouldn't ask her about it, not that I think you would it's just that… Olivia hasn't been very comfortable with the age difference at first, she's adjusted to it but I think there are moments when she's still struggling with it internally and I don't want her to feel like she's put on the spot about it." He scrolled through his gallery and found a selfie of Olivia and Noah at the playground, both of them smiling for the camera. Olivia had sent him the picture a few weeks ago as a reply to him asking what they were doing on a Saturday afternoon.

Before Alice could say something about Olivia's age Tom showed her the picture of a beaming Olivia and Noah, watching his mother study the photograph for a few moments before a smile settled on her face.

„That's her?" Alice asked, just to make sure he wasn't showing her a picture of just any woman.

„That's Olivia and her boy Noah."

„She looks very likable," Alice said, taking everything in. The brown eyes, the laugh lines, perfect white teeth, the long bob and finally the child with short, curly hair and blue-grey eyes. „He's four you say?"

„Yes, four years old, almost five. He's a great boy," Tom assured.

„You said you haven't met him. Don't trust a mother when she tells you her child is great, we all say that. I said that about you two and sometimes I thought you were both possessed by the devil himself," Alice argued, causing Rebecca to laugh.

„Gee, thanks mom."

„Trust me, he's a great kid. He's in my class, so I know him pretty well. He just doesn't know about me and his mom yet."

„You're teaching your girlfriend's child? Is that allowed? Could you lose your job?" The concern was real and Tom gently put a hand on his mother's upper arm.

„Mom, it's fine. It's allowed, the school knows. As long as no problem's arise everything's fine, worst that could happen is that they ask me to teach a different class. For now everything's okay." The last thing he wants is to worry his mother even more. She probably thanked the heavens above that her youngest had finally had mercy on her dated someone, that the likelihood of him dying alone was no longer the only option to consider. His phone started vibrating in his mother's hand, the name Olivia popping up on the screen as his ring went off. „And that would be her," Tom said taking the phone from his mother. „I'll be back," he assured as he picked up and headed to grab his jacket and go outside for some privacy.

„Hey there. How was your Christmas?" With the mobile phone sandwiched between Tom's left ear and shoulder, he put on his winter jacket and slipped outside.

„Hey," Olivia said back. „It was nice. I'm a little drunk on Gin and Tonic," Olivia told him as she sat down by her Christmas tree, the present that was labeled ‚Olivia' in neat handwriting still wrapped next to her.

„I didn't know you were a Gin And Tonic person," Tom chuckled, pushing one hand in his pocket as he walked around the house.

„Neither did I. I've gotten your present. So has Noah. He loved the guitar book and I think the Paw Patrol figure and vehicle - whatever it is, was a favorite of his. You know him well."

„It's not that hard, he's talking about Paw Patrol a lot. It's popular with all the kids," he assured. He was slightly nervous what Olivia thought about the present he had gotten her. In a way his choice was ridiculous but he wanted to get her something that would hopefully mean something to her.

„Amanda brought the presents when she came over. Told me you left them at the precinct for us."

„Yeah, about that. It was before you were back from Chicago, I hadn't known if you'd even return before Christmas but I figured you'd probably stop by at work. I wasn't sure if you trusted your neighbors."

„It's okay," she assured. „I haven't opened my gift yet and I feel pretty bad because I haven't gotten you anything." When Olivia had left Tom's place on Saturday morning and he hadn't brought up Christmas or presents she had been relieved. She hadn't even started her Christmas shopping at the time and she has had no idea what to get Tom anyway. He wasn't big on ties, already owned a watch and a sweater for a Christmas gift was lame and cliché. And then, just when Olivia had been perfectly comfortable that they hadn't exchanged any gifts, Amanda had showed up and ruined it all.

„Don't worry about it. You don't have to get me anything, I wasn't expecting anything." Tom loved giving, but he knew that Christmas wasn't about presents. For him, it wasn't even about Jesus. He simply wanted to cherish those that meant the most to him, wanted to spend those special days with them and show them that they mattered.

„That doesn't make me feel any better," Olivia said. „I thought since you're not here… I could maybe open it now while we're on the phone. It's not the same but…"

„I'd love that. Go ahead."

„Where are you?"

„Outside, in my parent's backyard."

Olivia carefully untacked the card from the wrapping paper, flipping it open. She recognized Tom's handwriting.

 _Olivia, I wish you and Noah a merry Christmas and a happy new year. I wish I could be with you in body, in my heart I already am. It's corny but it's true. Love - Tom_

„It is a little corny," Olivia smiled. „But it's sweet. Thank you." She wished he could be there with her, too. Maybe she should have made it possible. Noah was sleeping, although she hadn't expected him to. Things could have worked out. But there was still his family and she really hadn't wanted to keep him from them.

„You're welcome." He heard the rustling of paper in the background.

„I'm going to open it now."

„Alright." He hoped the present wasn't going to disappointment and tried to relax, inhaling the cold December air.

…

As Olivia removed the wrapping paper and her eyes settled on the gift she couldn't speak. She didn't even think she could breathe. Shakily her hand settled on the transparent plastic of the box and for a moment Olivia Benson was no longer the seasoned cop turned Sergeant, turned Lieutenant who had seen the worst in mankind, who had fired her gun, had seen more blood than a single person should in their life. She was no longer the Olivia Benson who had loved and lost, had fought battles she had chosen and some she hadn't.

She was back in a different living room, sitting on the floor of a different Christmas tree, disappointedly looking at the gift she thought Santa Clause had brought her, convinced that the bearded man must have made a mistake. That accidentally some other kid had gotten the present that was meant for her. She had written her only wish in neat, capitals and her mother had assured Olivia that she had sent the letter to the North Pole.

Olivia had never wanted an Easy-Bake Oven. What was she to do with that thing anyway? She had wanted… a Cabbage Patch Doll - nothing but a Cabbage Patch Doll. Eventually Olivia had started to cry and Serena hadn't understood. She had been trying to console Olivia at first, trying to convince her that an Easy-Bake Oven was a fantastic presents, that every other girl would love it. Eventually she had been irritated and had shamed Olivia for not being grateful, after all there were many children in this world who weren't getting any Christmas presents, and she had gotten three. A 1000-pieces jigsaw puzzle, a book of poetry and the detested Easy-Bake Oven.

Olivia remembered it like it was yesterday. She swore she could still taste the saltiness of the tears on her tongue.

Serena had gotten drunk that night. Not that it was anything out of the ordinary, Serena Benson had gotten drunk almost every night.

„Olivia?" She could hear Tom's voice through the haze of her memories. Her vision had turned blurry as tears swam in Olivia's eyes. „Liv?"

„I'm here," she said, sniffing softly. „I'm… thank you," she whispered.

He wondered what was going on in New York. She had fallen silent for a minute, maybe even longer and now her voice sounded breathy and much more emotional than he had expected. „Are you okay?"

She nodded, although Tom wasn't able to see it, brushing off the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Olivia was no longer a child, she had no use for a Cabbage Patch Doll that was by now considered vintage and yet it was the best and most considerate present she had ever received in her adult life.

„I'm fine," she managed. „I just don't know what to say."

Olivia wondered if she had still believed in Santa Clause at age twelve because there was nothing else for her to believe in. At the time Olivia had long since realized that the stuff her mother drank on a daily basis changed her, that by the time she has had a few drinks Serena got mean. She had yelled more, had been short-tempered. Sometimes, when it had been an especially bad night, she had hit Olivia and always blamed it on something she had done wrong. Eventually Olivia had learned to back down when her mother opened a bottle. At first she camped out in her room, later she tried to stay with friends as much as possible.

She had never been able to trust what her mother had promised. That everything was going to change. That she was going to get better, stop drinking. She had believed in other things instead. In God. And in Santa Clause. Well, she had believed in Santa Clause until he had let her down and brought her that stupid pink and purple Easy-Bake Oven.

„Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?"

„Just… forgive me?"

„Forgive you? What for, Olivia?"

„I didn't realize how much I'd want you here. I wish you were here," she admitted and with no shame she cried over her past and her present. She cried because she hadn't expected such a thoughtful gift, because Tom should have been with her when she opened it. She cried because she missed her mother. She had never gotten the chance to tell her mom that she had forgiven her. That no matter what, through all the trouble and heartache, she had loved her.

Olivia cried because she couldn't remember how long it had been since she's been in love with her heart so full, she thought she wasn't going to take it.

She was in love. And she hadn't even realized it until now.

…


	42. Out Of The Woods

**I had to revisit Tom and Rebecca because their fallout of their fight wouldn't leave me alone. Feedback of any kind is always appreciated, I love to hear what you guys think.**

They stay on the phone for about thirty more minutes and the first ten Olivia barely says a word. Muffled sobs and soft sniffles carrie through the line and there is little Tom can say. He tries to find words that will console when he can't even say what's going on. What he does know is that his girlfriend is crying. He doubts the present is _that_ horrible.

At least five times he inquires, if Olivia is okay, if there is anything he can do. If she wants to talk. Five times she tells him she's fine, laughs through tears Tom can't see and says that she knows how ridiculous this must seem.

It hits him then.

A Cabbage Patch Doll Olivia hadn't gotten for Christmas as a child is not just something to draw a laugh, it isn't just a joke ( _Oh, thank God it's not another Easy-Bake Oven,_ his over-pleased self had imagined Olivia saying as he had picked the gift up from an older lady living Upstate), with a deeper meaning underneath. It is also something that holds the power to cause a much more emotional reaction. One like he is confronted with now.

Tom feels utterly lost, because he is one and a half hours away on Long Island with his parents while Olivia sits in her Manhattan apartment. While today the doll is just a toy, it has once held a different meaning when Olivia has been an innocent child growing up with an alcoholic mother. He doesn't know what exactly the cause for her very emotional reaction is but feels that he should have considered it at least. He doesn't know her demons. What Olivia has shared with him had been some basic information, just enough for Tom to get an understanding of who she was and where she came from.

Eventually she calms, the soft sobs subside completely and the sniffles stop. Olivia feels embarrassed. An explanation doesn't come easy to her. She could, of course, tell Tom that her childhood memories have gotten to her, that for a moment the past has been her current reality crashing into her but she's always kept details about her mother's alcoholism and her upbringing close to her vest. Occasionally Olivia shares experiences with people who are close to her, sometimes when it helps a case even with a victim. She is most comfortable however when people are in the dark, when she has total control over what they know and more importantly what they don't.

Olivia thinks that she can't tell Tom about her epiphany either; her sudden realization that she is in love with him. How would that sound when put into actual words? She doesn't want to say it out loud and look like an idiot. She compares it to a sexual encounter where something sits on the tip of your tongue but can't for the life of you defeat the fear of shame that keeps you from uttering the words even though in your mind you know the chances of it sounding sexy are much greater than being laughed at. It makes her wonder when she has unlearned to let go of things when it comes to sex or when she has lost the ability to go out on a limb and make an honest declaration of being in love with somebody.

Olivia realizes how cringeworthy the comparison is and shakes her head, shakes off anything sex-related and let's other words dance and assemble in her mind.

 _Oh, you know I just had that moment where my shitty childhood has caught up with me and then I had a feeling that I didn't have in a long, long time; I've realized I'm in love with you._

Yeah, that is not going to happen, she decides.

Olivia has never been very forthcoming with declarations of love. She thinks of Brian and how it has taken her two years. He's said the words first. I love you. And she's said it back. The irony of it all is that they broke up that night.

She has loved Brian, Olivia is sure of it. But she is not entirely convinced she has ever been in love with him. As hard as she tries to remember, she can't bring to mind that feeling of butterflies in her stomach, the tingling sensation that leaves her lightheaded.

Brian had been beautifully familiar. They had quickly fallen back into their old groove. With him it was what it had always been. Brian had been predictable, being with him had been easy, the sex had been good and satisfactory. Their fireworks had been extrinsic while with Tom… everything crackled and blazed. Olivia likes to divide things in black and white, even emotions - _especially_ emotions. With Tom however everything within her, everything about them is screaming color. It's not rationally explicable, nothing Olivia can put into words or understand. It's beyond her grasp which makes it foreign and more scary than most of her past relationships.

When she goes back thirty-two years she recognizes herself, recognizes the way Thomas Tetley makes her feel. At age sixteen when love had still been innocent and pure, immaculate without depravity that the world of adulthood brought with it she had first fallen head over heels. He had been older by five, almost six years, handsome with striking blue-green eyes and a charming personality. Christopher Barley.

She had been young, maybe a little naive. Olivia knows she's kidding herself if she thinks they would have stood a chance. Maybe she had even loved Christopher for all the wrong reasons but she had loved him, couldn't have loved him more. She stands by that, even though a marriage would have made her a divorced woman at this point.

The way Christopher had made her feel came closest to how Tom makes her feel, how she thinks she feels for him.

Without Olivia noticing Tom has implanted himself someplace deep within her being. For reasons she can't quite comprehend, she can't picture him out of her life anymore, which doesn't fit her worries that something could tear them apart, that his feelings could change. Or more likely that hers could.

„Are you still outside?" Olivia is surprised by how normal she sounds.

„I am." He is freezing his ass off in the cold winter night but can't imagine having this conversation inside. Out here, although cold, the air is fresh, it allows Tom to breathe and he needs that. He is grateful for the quite when inside the house everything would be chatter and laughter.

„Feeling better?" He needs to ask, needs Olivia to tell him she is alright, tell him she's at least better than a minute ago.

„I am. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." She knows, of course, but it is a truth not meant to be spoken. Not yet. Not tonight.

„Please don't apologize," he winces, thinking that it is what he should do. He could have picked an other gift. Jewelry or a scarf or simply a gift card for a day at a local spa. Something harmless. „Should I have gotten you something else? I didn't mean for this to stir you up."

„No. No, this is…," she takes a breath and looks at the doll with the round face and dimples, big eyes and curly woolen hair. „It's perfect." She waits a beat and continues to talk, absentmindedly rocking her torso back and forth. „I've told you about that Christmas but I haven't really thought about it in a very long time." Olivia has learned very early on that repression could be a helpful tool. She thinks that she has managed to survive her roughest times due to total emotional disconnect and at times these mechanisms are still in order. She can talk about things, horrific things even, and not feel a thing as long as they pertain to herself. It's the victims that tear her soul to shreds instead. And because the uneasiness of having shared too much hits, she instantly tries to deflate. „It also makes me feel terrible because I haven't gotten you anything."

„I told you…"

„You did, but still. Even if I had something, it wouldn't compare."

„How about we stop talking about gifts or feeling terrible?"

„Okay," she agrees. „How was your dinner?"

„It was great. Way too much food but great. I told them about you." He can't help it and smiles to himself. Although Olivia's colleagues and the school know, bringing his family into the loop makes the whole relationship feel official, something that the world can see, something that deserved to be shared.

„Right. What did they say?" Rebecca has known from the start but everyone else has been in the dark until now.

„Mom's thrilled. She was actually speechless for a moment and that's so unlike her," he chuckles. „I think it's safe to say that she can't wait to meet you. I've showed her a picture of you because she was curious, I hope that's okay."

„Uhm.. sure, that's alright." She wonders how his mother had reacted, if she had realized Olivia is quite a bit older than her son.

„I think she's very pleased with what she saw," Tom says softly, trying to reassure her.

„It's strange that I feel nervous about it now that you've already told them."

„It's not strange, Liv." Liv. He is getting used to her nickname and tries it out more and more. „I'm a little nervous when I think about meeting your people, too. It's natural."

This surprises Olivia. Tom always seems so comfortable and self-assured in new situations. He had made telling the principal and his colleagues at school seem effortless.

„You're probably right."

„Where are you?"

„What do you mean, where am I? I'm home."

„Obviously. I mean where exactly are you?"

„In the living room, next to the Christmas tree. We've put it up yesterday. Noah helped me with the decorations." The still fresh memory put a smile on her face and images of last night are reproduced in her mind. Noah hanging their homemade ornaments they had made from salt batter the previous year. His futile attempt to snarf one of the candy canes. His amazement over the Christmas Balls with the various images of Santa and reindeers.

„That sounds lovely."

„It was," Olivia agrees and lies down, her back flat against the floor as she stared at the ceiling.

„Why are you asking?"

„Asking what?"

„Where I am."

„Just trying to imagine it." He is trying to see her, to summon a recollection of her apartment, her living room. „What are you wearing?"

„Are you being serious?" She laughs although deep down she knows it's not a lame attempt at phone sex. Or at least she hopes so.

„I'm not going to suggest you should take off whatever you're wearing," he assures with a laugh of his own, although the idea excites him a little bit.

„Black slacks and that green blouse I've worn for one of our movie nights."

„Ah, that one. I remember that blouse." Of course he remembers it. Olivia had worn it on the first date they have had as an actual couple. It was the first item of clothing he had ever pushed aside, had run his hand under to touch bare skin.

For a moment neither of them speaks and the silence is comfortable this time, not laden with insecurity and helplessness.

„When are you going to be back in the City?" The question is innocent enough and Olivia closes her eyes, allows herself to drown in his voice that sounds different over the phone but still like him.

„Day after tomorrow I think. Why?"

„I was just thinking that I could come by Thursday or maybe Friday."

„I'd like that. Daytime or evening?" He wants to fall asleep with her again because he does it far too little. They can have sex at any given time of the day, but sharing the bed for the night, holding Olivia while feeling the weight of her head on top of his chest has a quality to it that intercourse can't make up for. In a way it is much more intimate to drift off to sleep with her, surrounded by a cocoon of Olivia's warmth, the sweet smell of her skin and her lavender scented hair. Just before Olivia falls asleep she smacks her lips noisily and he always relishes the way her cheek moves against his skin. Sometimes, when she rolls away from him and puts her head on the pillow, Tom simply watches her. The even rise and fall of her chest. The way Olivia's lips are parted and her mouth open. He thinks it's adorable when she drools a little but guards against ever telling her that. His life is dear to him.

„Daytime probably."

It makes sense because it was easier for Olivia to get a sitter for a couple of hours in the day than for the entire night. He remembers her mentioning Lucy would be with her mother until New Year's and the first person that comes to mind is Amanda who sometimes watches Noah.

„Alright. Let me know when you know when. Maybe we can do lunch. Go out. Or cook. Whatever you're in the mood for."

„We could go out. But not the diner," Olivia warned.

„Definitely not the diner. We'll find a nice place." The both of them have had enough of sandwiches and tomato soup or the black brew the place labels coffee. Tom likes the diner though, likes that it has become their go to place when Olivia works, a sacred oasis of sorts. He can lose himself in Olivia's physical proximity there when they share a booth and engage in light conversation for twenty, thirty minutes. The waitresses recognize them as regulars by now, asking if they want ‚the usual'. The diner feels like a part of their personal history, a place that helped define them. „How's your head?"

„No more headaches. Bruise is a nice green and yellow by now."

„Sounds sexy," he jokes easily. „You're still taking it easy, though?"

„I'm trying."

Trying sounded a hell of a lot better than her usual ‚I'm fine' so, he takes it.

„You sound tired."

„It's the Gin. I'm going to head in soon. What about you?"

„Well, I don't think anyone's going to bed here anytime soon, except June, she's probably asleep by now."

„June was…"

„Nathan's wife."

„Right." The middle child, corporate lawyer, successful with the stunning doctor wife and the two perfect children. Tom had showed her some pictures a little while ago just so she could put a face to the many stories he told Olivia about his family.

„I should let you go," Tom says softly. He wants to keep talking to her but his fingers yearn for the warmth of the house.

„Alright. Talk to you tomorrow?"

„Absolutely."

„Okay. Thank you for the gift. Gifts, really. You didn't have to get Noah anything."

„Sure I did, Olivia. He belongs to you, he's… he's part of this, he just doesn't know it yet." Tom had not thought twice about purchasing a gift for Olivia's son.

„Well, thank you. He loves both presents."

„What have you gotten him?"

„A guitar, actually," she laughs softly. „The same you leant us. He's so proud of it, Tom. I mean, he's only going to be five I didn't think it would make much of a difference to him but he's so excited to have his first own guitar. I'll bring back yours when I come over, I bet you've missed it."

„That sounds great. I still remember when my Dad took me to the store so I could pick my first one. It's a good gift for him. He has so much potential and drive." He is proud of the kid and it goes beyond a teacher's pride over an eager, talented student. During the guitar lessons Tom has started to form a bond with Noah. He regularly finds himself paying more attention to Olivia's son than the other three children who take part in the course, thinking it's only in part because Noah does so well.

„He's told me he's practiced every day while I was in Chicago. I never really thought he'd stick with it to be honest. He's still so young." Too young to have a serious hobby or a passion. Obviously Olivia has been wrong about it.

„It is quite early but he's got all it takes. He showed an interest, he is willing to learn, he practices and it shows. It's been three months and he's making so much progress with the chords and his strumming."

„Well, in that case the money is probably a good investment," Olivia decides around a smile.

„I'm sure it is," Tom agreed. „Goodnight, Liv. Sleep tight."

„You too," she says back, biting her lip to not say the words that sit on her tongue and hangs up before she can change her mind.

„Tom?" Rebecca creeps into her brother's childhood bedroom. The door creeks like it has for the past thirty years and she sees his silhouette sit up in the dark.

„What? Did something happen?" He had gone to bed around one, drifted off the moment his head hit the pillow and slept ever since. His hand fumbles for the switch of the nightlight on the nightstand and with a quiet click the room gets illuminated. Tom's eyes adjust to the light. He sees it then. „Tequila?"

Rebecca smiles sheepishly as she closes the door quietly and pads over to his bed. „Figured we should make up properly." Since their fight they had found common ground. They've talked, they've laughed and bickered tonight, but the accusations and hurt still have had a hold on them.

Tom knows alcohol doesn't solve problems but the fact Becca has come here with booze means final forgiveness. He scoots further up on the bed, allowing his twin sister to climb on the bed and sit cross-legged. It reminds him of the time they were still kids and she sat on his twin size bed. Her a girl with a long ponytail and glasses, him a boy with dimples and ginger hair.

Rebecca unscrews the cap of the bottle and takes a sip of the golden liquid, hissing after she swallows. „God, I hate tequila."

Tom smiles and wordlessly takes the bottle from her, doing the same. Tequila without lemon and salt was disgusting. Actually, it was disgusting no matter what.

„How's it feel now that you've told them about Olivia?"

„It's good. Feels like one more step in the right direction."

„Mom's happy. While you were outside she kept asking me if I knew anything about her son, if I have met him." She accentuates it with a roll of her eyes. „I think she doesn't buy that I haven't met her yet. Except that one night but that doesn't count."

„She'll always think there's something we're hiding. She's never been all that wrong until now."

„You've been quiet since you came back in." His phone break with Olivia had lasted a good thirty or forty minutes and when her brother had come back inside he had sat down with a beer and barely listened. For the next couple of hours he had been forced smiles and few words.

„Just been thinking." He had tried to summon a mental imagine of Olivia in her living room in the clothing she had described to him on the phone but he could barely remember all the subtleties of her place. He remembers the couch, the open kitchen right behind it. He remembers the smell of her sheets and that he had seen a few books of Gabriel Garcia Marquez on the book shelf, wondering if she ever reads these days. Eventually his thoughts had drifted off to how unfair life could be. That he had been given a wonderful family, that he had been privileged to grow up in safe surroundings with brothers and sisters and loving parents. Of course they hadn't been the perfect family. The Tetleys had never been the Brady Bunch or the Camden's from 7th heaven but he undeniably has had it a lot better than Olivia.

Rebecca accepts this for an answer and takes the bottle of Tequila back from him. „Tell you what, you get a sip for every truth spoken tonight."

„I don't even want another." He laughs and roughly presses the heels of his palms against his closed eyes. He is tired and no longer intoxicated from beer. It dawns on Tom that Rebecca never says something without reason. If she offers him a sip of Tequila for every truth spoken, there were things she _wanted_ to know. They haven't spoken since that night on the beach when his sister had asked him for some time, promising in the same breath that they were going to be okay. Despite his fatigue he decides to join in on the game Tom knew he'd live to regret by morning. „You first." He straightens and puts a pillow between his t-shirt clad back and the wooden headboard of the bed that was at least twenty years old.

„Fine. Shoot." For reasons of fairness she puts the cap back on the bottle and puts it in the space between them. Rebecca expects it will take her brother some time to come up with a question, surprised when he drops a bomb instantly.

„Do you think Mom and Dad were happy?"

She mulls over the question, repeats it in her mind a few times. _Were._ Rebecca is wholly convinced that her parents were happy now, both of them close to seventy years old, that they were comfortable with the life they've built. They have mutual respect for each other and it shows in the way they treat each other. They also still bicker and tease each other, joke after forty-eight years of marriage. They still share a bed, go to Bingo Night together.

„I think they were happy at times and unhappy at others." She reaches for the bottle and takes a sip. „Why do you ask?"

He considers how much he can tell her, how much he should and decides to keep it brief. „Olivia's childhood was… different from ours and generally speaking I thought all night how we've been so lucky, which… don't get me wrong, which we were. Obviously. We were always safe, we were loved." More so they had each other. „But I also realized that a lot of the memories I have are a little skewed maybe." Tonight he had suddenly recalled other things than merry Christmas dinners and movie nights that consisted of sugar highs and laughter.

He reaches for the bottle but Rebecca pulls it away. „Nope. Not enough."

„You just said you think they were happy at times and unhappy at others, what kind of answer was that?"

„You can't complain that you're not pleased with my answer after the fact, Tommy. That's not how it works."

Tom mumbles something underneath his breath and taps his fingers on his thigh. It is not yet his turn to ask another question but he does it anyway. „Do you think Dad had an affair?"

He goes back twenty-nine, maybe thirty years in time when he and Rebecca had still shared this bedroom. Thirty years ago doesn't seem to be all that far back in the past. There are memories of his mother crying and his father yelling, memories of his mother making accusations and his father falling silent under the weight of them, probably under the dangerous truth behind them. Tom had pretended to be asleep those nights and he thinks so had Becca. While they had always shared everything, neither of them had ever addressed the looming thread of their family falling apart.

Looking at Rebecca he can see it, a spark of recognition in her eyes. She purses her lips and then takes a deep breath and smiles as best as she can. „I think marriage and raising four kids must have been hard. I think it's hard work to stay together and always see what you love about the person you're with."

She wants to untwist the booze but this time Tom stops her. „That's not good enough." There is no amusement there and Becca nods slowly.

„Yeah, I think he did have an affair."

Tom slides the bottle towards her and she takes a bigger sip this time, blowing out a breath of air when she is done. She dangles the bottle in front of him and now Tom desperately wants the burning liquor.

„Does it make you angry? Why bring it up now?"

He ponders the question for a moment and there is no actual answer. He hasn't thought about it in way too long to be angry, he's brought it up because tonight he thought about his childhood and his family, about dynamics that partially had changed over time and partially hadn't. „I don't know." It's all he can give her. He just doesn't know.

He imagines a faceless woman with his father and realizes he couldn't be disgusted if he tried because it's still his father, still the man who has given him a good life with all the means to succeed. At the same time he knows how much pain it must have caused his mother, how much it must have taken for her to put on a brave face. Tom wonders if she would have opted for divorce if she hadn't been financially dependent. Alice had lived to raise the kids, to make a home for their family.

Rebecca has mercy and Tom drowns the bitter part of his past in gulps of tequila.

„How are things with Olivia?"

Since they hadn't talked in four weeks there's a lot and little to tell at the same time. Tom sighs, unsure where to start.

„She's been in Chicago for three weeks, helping out with a case that's connected to one they've worked… or something." It doesn't answer Rebecca's questions and he can see she wants more than that. A tight smile settles on his face. „Sometimes I don't know what to do with her. She's gone for three weeks and we talked three times while she was out of town, never much longer than five minutes. She barely texted and I start questioning-," he pauses and blows out a breath. „Everything. Just everything. And then, without warning she's at my door in the middle of the night, just gotten off the plane with a concussion and a palm-sizes bruise on her forehead, stitches. And all I think is _what the hell_? I don't know where I stand with her one minute and the next she's making me feel like I actually matter to her."

Rebecca listens intently. She doesn't know Olivia at all and can't get the measure of the woman. All she does know she has from Tom. But alarm bells are going off, because this sounds a little like a narcissist in the making.

„Don't let her play you, okay Tommy? Just… be careful?"

„It's not like that, Becca. She's… she's not a bad person, she's… she's great, she's a wonderful woman but she's not… letting me in, I guess. And I don't know why. I don't know if someone's hurt her or if she's wary by nature. There's always progress but it's baby steps."

„You need more?"

„Sometimes," he nods. „I keep telling myself it's her job and Noah. In her world… I'm an afterthought when I'm not around. And I get it." Sometimes. „There are victims that need her and she wants to be there for them. She's out there chasing rapists, she leads an entire squad, she's a fantastic mother."

„You're making excuses."

„But I'm not. She's been afraid of this. She's told me before anything ever happened between us that her life is so stressful, that she's always on the run, works all hours, that she wants to focus on her son. She's warned me and I told her I will understand and that I can take it. And most of the time I'm taking it but then there are moments when I think that… I complicate her life and she complicates mine." The confession is laden. It's different to say it out loud, although he had been thinking it for weeks now.

„You can always walk away, Tommy," Rebecca says softly.

He smiles warily at her, then shakes his head. „No I can't," he whispers. „I'd always wonder."

„That deserves a drink." She watches him as he accepts the alcoholic reward for honesty and thinks that she can't remember when she's ever seen him quite so sad and happy at the same time. Since he's been dating Olivia he looks rejuvenated but also tired, like this fresh relationship takes everything from him.

Scrubbing the back of his hand over his mouth Tom leans back. He wordlessly looks at his sister, thinking that new love shouldn't be this hard. Of course there are the sweet sides, the moments of utter bliss, the fun, the excitement, the sex every chance that they get. But there's also Olivia's prudence whenever they are about to face a milestone, her unwillingness to discuss him meeting Noah. There was Chicago. He breathes shallowly into the room, hears the rustle of the wind outside and let's the noise wash his mind blank for the time being.

„Does Walt know you're here?"

„Walt's snoring. I've bolted," she smiles.

„How's it going with you two?" He feels justified to ask the same question she had asked about Olivia.

„Better. I think we've finally adjusted to life with a baby." Things had been touch and go for a little while.

„A baby really does change everything, doesn't it?"

„Yeah. It changes you. At least it did me. It's like… we had to get to know each other again. But things are better. I'm trying to focus on us more but it's not easy. That night I interrupted your dinner with Olivia? Walt basically forced me to go out, meet with the girls." She had wanted to cancel and stay home with Abbie, not ready to leave her daughter's side for longer than an hour or two. Part of her didn't trust Walt to handle the responsibility, the bottle feedings when she was just slowly starting to wean their daughter, the cries of protest Rebecca had been sure would come. „He made me an ultimatum that night. Either I finally go out and start living again and start being a wife again, not just a mother or else…" She shrugs.

„And you went?" He knows she did but it surprises him because Rebecca was not the kind of person who was told.

„Well, I told him to go screw himself and go ahead and pack his bags, I'd gladly help him because I won't be blackmailed. So we fought, woke Abbie, tried to get her back to sleep and eventually he… he said that he couldn't do it anymore. So I… I went," she smiles sheepishly and takes the bottle, drinks. „I acted overly chipper but I came to you because I wanted to cancel on the girls last minute. Stay with you and… I thought I was going to discuss the potential dissolution of my marriage," Rebecca admits. She pulls her knees up to her chest, her feet leaving indentations on the blanket as her brother stares back at her.

„You haven't said anything." He thinks back to that night and remembers the big fat smile that was plastered on his sister's face. It hits him forcefully. He should have known that her smile is never quite that bright, that she never shows that much teeth. Since Rebecca has had little vigor to go out and party. He should have known.

„You had company," she justifies heavily. „And you what? It's good that you had because… seeing you with her… I figured that if there was someone out there for you, someone that you so obviously liked? It put things into perspective in the strangest way. I'm still overprotective and hate to leave Abbie's side. Maybe I always will be. But there's someone out there for me and that's Walt. He's… he's it. Still. So, I went out that night, I drank, I tried to enjoy myself but I didn't. But I sucked it up and we're working on it. So…," she laughs softly. „You know Tommy, I'm scared Olivia's going to hurt you. I'd be scared no matter who it is you're dating and I'm always going to tell you to be careful and not to let anybody hurt you. But that's my job, I'm your big sister." By five minutes, she thinks and grins, sees he wants to protest. Before he can she raises a hand to stop him. „But I get it when you say you can't walk away because I couldn't either. And maybe you're right to stay and figure out how it's going to end. She might just be the one who's out there for you."

She stuns him to silence because his sister has never been deep. He wonders if it's her talking or the alcohol.

„Since when are you so sappy?" He teases to take the edge off, to alleviate the heavy truths spoken.

„Oh, don't get me wrong because if she's going to hurt you I'm going to kick her sorry ass," Rebecca laughs.

„You will?"

„Of course I will." This time she would. She should have with Sarah, should have stood up for her brother then. Instead she had enabled his ex by keeping silent, by watching things unfold.

„That deserves one as well," Tom says. „But I'm not gonna hold your hair when you barf."

„Cheers to that."


	43. Now This Time To Heal

The house is quiet as Tom makes his way downstairs. He is in desperate need of something to drink to hydrate his body. His blood is tequila, his head throbbing with last night's mistake. There is a reason he has sworn off the hellish drink a long time ago. As he stumbles to the kitchen the sight of his sister standing by the kitchen counter blurs.

„Morning," he grumbles. The taste in his mouth almost makes him gag, it's like something has died on his tongue. The last time he's been this wasted must have been three, four years ago.

„Don't. Talk."

Tom moves to open the fridge. Even the refrigerator light hurts his eyes. He swears off alcohol, thinking this time it's for good. At thirty-seven years he's too old for this shit. Deciding to ignore his sister's gruff command not to talk, he speaks.

„Where is everybody?"

The house is too quiet to be occupied. It's past eleven and a conversation claws at his memory but he can't put his finger on what had been decided.

„Lunch."

„Right," Tom mumbles, retrieving a bottle of water, chugging half of its contents. The entire family was supposed to eat at the restaurant, some steakhouse this time, at Walt's discretion.

„Did you ever make it out of my bed?" After they had let admissions bleed into the room, truths the four walls would forever keep secret everything is hazy. After too many rewards - namely tequila - Tom must have passed out. An absurd amount, just a slug really, had remained in the bottle he had found underneath his stomach, proof of their binge.

„I don't know how," came Rebecca's monotone mumble. Probably she had crossed the hallway crawling until she reached the room her husband and she occupied.

„Have you puked yet?"

„Uh-huh." She sinks down and sits on the cold tiles of the kitchen floor, cradling her head in her hands. „Walt's pissed." And rightfully so, she admits to herself. It's Christmas and he has invited the entire family to eat out only to find his wife hungover and probably still more than just a little hammered. At first he had ranted but finally her husband had fallen silent and God knew Walt's silence was much worse than accusations said in anger. Any progress they have made lately has probably gone to shit within one night. Walt did know how to hold a grudge.

„He'll calm down. I'll tell him it was my fault." Probably it was. If they hadn't fought a month ago, if Tom had never said the unthinkable, there would have been no reason to make up, to open a bottle and bury hatchets. She looks like shit from too much boozing and too little restraint. He'll forever be guilty of this one. Rebecca had done it for him, had come to mend what had been broken before too much time would pass and create a rift that couldn't be overcome. They hadn't discussed their fight, had glossed it all over because they have never needed actual words to say the most important things.

„No you won't," she says heavily, with as much strength she can muster under the hellish hangover. „He hates when you get involved. He hates that I put you first."

„You don't put me first." The reproach is ridiculous. Just because they have a naturally close bond doesn't mean Rebecca puts him first. A very long time ago that might have rung true, but these dynamics have changed when his sister had met and eventually married Walt.

„Last night I did." She had chosen getting drunk, had risked not being well enough, fit enough to get out of bed and go to lunch to scarf a steak down. Who is she kidding? You don't show up at someone's door with a bottle of tequila if you don't have the intention to tipple through it.

„We had too much to drink. It happens, Becca."

„Guess it does," she whispers and thinks it's safe to stretch out on the floor. Everyone would be out to eat for at least another two hours. The coolness of the tiles feels good on her body and for a moment her surroundings stop spinning. „I just wanna die."

…

The fight exceeds Tom's expectations by far. The yelling carries through the entire house, leaving no corner untouched. Occasionally he can understand a hissed word, here and there it's an entire sentence.

 _What the hell were you thinking?_

 _…of course you'd do that because of him, it's always about…_

 _Then why don't you? You can fucking leave whenever you fucking please!_

Their parents have left the house under the lame excuse to take Abigail for a walk but at least the poor kid was out of the house before World War III erupted.

Tom has known they have had their problems after becoming parents, after everything has changed. But Tom has never heard them fight light this, tearing into each other, ripping each other apart. As far as he knows and can remember, they have never talked about anyone leaving.

They go at it for thirty minutes and he wants to put an end to it when a _FUCK YOU_ thunders and a door slams shut. This whole thing has been blown out of proportion. It was a bottle of tequila, a night of getting stupidly drunk.

He sees Rebecca come down the stairs and she looks at him as if she has just lost a fight, with dark eyes and resignation that somehow carries her body. Their tequila binge has left her skin dry and pale. The total exhaustion is clearly visible and while Tom too feels like shit, it's easy to tell that his sister is suffering more under the hangover.

Maybe it's a truce for now between Becca and Walt; until they make it home. Then her nose twitches almost imperceptibly, her chin starts to quiver and tears well in his sister's eyes. She shatters right there in front of him and wordlessly he takes five strides, wraps his arms around her and tries to console her like he would a baby. She never really cries. Hell, she never cries after a fight, way too stubborn to allow for weakness.

„Shhh, it's okay. It's okay, Becca."

But it's not. Whispered words register with him and his body stiffens as Rebecca starts sobbing uncontrollably.

„He wants to divorce."

…

He lies on top of Olivia, panting, still inside of her. Olivia's hand is on his nape and Tom's breath is hitting her shoulder in punches of air. Her other hand skims his back, down to his side.

„What was that?" There is no accusation in her voice, Olivia's tone is soft, gentle. Something about this was off, like it was not entirely about them.

Olivia had arrived about fifteen minutes ago. She had inquired about his Christmas again and he about hers. She had once more thanked him for his gift. She had asked how Rebecca was, because although she didn't know anyone from his family, she had at least had one brief encounter with the woman. Instead of answering he had kissed her hard and with fervor. Had undressed her. Had touched everything that wanted to be touched and finally bedded her. Tom had lasted two minutes (if at all) until he had come.

„Sorry-," he breathes. „I'm sorry. You didn't…"

„No, but that's not what I mean." Her fingers stretch and push up into his full hair that has grown a few inches longer since summer and turning her head she kisses the corner of his mouth. „Is everything okay?" Her fingers rake through his hair repeatedly, lovingly. She could swear it's started to turn into a different hue of ginger in the past month, making him pass as an actual redhead.

Tom wants to tell her yes, mainly because he doesn't want to talk about it. He sighs and rolls off of Olivia, onto his back and stares at the ceiling. The cool air chills his heated skin, the sheets rustle. His normally pale face is colored a shade of red from exhaustion, from the rapid staccato strokes of his hips into Olivia's welcoming body.

He waits a few beats until he decides to speak, releases the words to the world, to Olivia. „My sister's husband wants a divorce and I think I'm to blame." He feels guilty because ever since he had laid eyes on Olivia he had stopped paying attention to his sister and the changes in her marriage. Rebecca had told him certain things, had shared about problems, but Tom had always figured everything would fall into place. He keeps thinking if he hadn't fought with Becca she never would have come to his room with a bottle of tequila. She never would have pissed Walt off in an already tense situation that had just gotten better a little while ago.

„I'm sorry," Olivia offers and grasps for his hand as they both lie on their backs. „But how could you be to blame?" By now she knows that what hurts his sister hurts Tom, that any disruption will automatically disrupt their relationship as well. She doesn't understand this kind of bond and at the same time it makes her a little jealous. Tom's rapid breathing evens out. Olivia turns onto her side and puts her cheek in her hands, propped on one elbow. He's still semi hard and the evidence of her arousal sticks to him, glistens silken. „What happened?"

„I don't even know. We got drunk, she was hungover, he got pissed because… I don't even know why."

Olivia waits for him to say more, for something that will give her a better understanding of the situation, because why would anyone want a divorce because their spouse got drunk? When Tom doesn't elaborate she starts to stroke his chest, the soft skin of her fingers skimming his nipple.

„He wants a divorce because you got drunk?"

„They've had problems after Becca had Abbie. I guess it was the final straw. She wanted to make up. If we hadn't fought…"

„Stop right there. Tom, this is not your fault. Their marital problems are not on you. And it's not on either of you that her husband lost it because you two got drunk. Whatever happened there, his wife getting drunk probably wasn't the problem, if anything it was a catalyst. You can't take that personally."

He listens and hangs on every word his girlfriend says. He desperately wants to believe her, wants to be convinced, but the truth is that he will always carry this guilt, if Walt decides to go through with the divorce.

„Yeah well…" He exhales heavily, turns to look at her. „I'm sorry about this." He reaches out and touches her face, his gaze settling on the bruise that fades and the sutures that will likely remain a visible scar. One more when too many cover her body already. Usually Tom doesn't allow himself to think about them, to wonder how exactly they were inflicted, who might have inflicted them. Tom doesn't avoid looking at the burns marking her torso. He kisses her scars, touches them, never flinches but sometimes he feels her stiffen or inhale abruptly and he can tell it's not with lust. He moves his face towards Olivia's, touches his lips against hers in an apology.

„It's okay. I'm not upset." It's human nature to her. She has had sex to deal with her own emotional turmoil more times than she likes to admit and wasn't enough of a hypocrite to hold it against Tom. She had drowned some of her worst cases in sex and alcohol. However, she knows there are better ways to approach problems than bring them to the bedroom. „How's Rebecca?"

„Devastated," he says just above a whisper. „I've never seen her like that, Liv. She's… normally she's so strong and he's pulled out the rug from under her. It was Christmas. I mean… who does that? Who walks out on their family over the Christmas holidays?"

„Is she with your parents still?"

„Walt left and packed up a few things, moved into a hotel or something. I asked her if she wanted me to stay for a few days but she just wants to be alone. I drove her and Abbie home." Tom's hand drops to Olivia's collarbone, his knuckles following an invisible path to her breast where he grazes a nipple. She sucks in air and her eyes almost close at the sensation. The little bud stiffness even more beneath his caress. „My parents don't even know yet. Probably think it's just been a fight, that they're going to work it out at home."

Tom needs this now, to touch Olivia, feel her warm skin, her arousal, what he can do to her. The remnants of her sweet perfume cloud his senses and it helps the slightest bit with his sadness and anger, with his state of heartbreak over his sister's crumbling marriage. It helps with his guilt.

„Maybe he just needs a few days to think and come to his senses." Olivia was no stranger to blind rage. Sometimes people needed some time to blow off steam, to cool off and start over anew. She drops her gaze and follows his hand that now touches her stomach, fingertips dragging across sensitive, soft skin. One finger traces a burn mark and Olivia holds still, stops to breathe for a second.

„Relax," he whispers. Mentally he cringes whenever she reacts like this, fears that he summons demons that don't belong when they're together, where they are concerned.

„It's not you." She sounds apologetic and he shakes his head, his hand lowering all the while, slowly and deliberately until her breath hitches. He covers her lips with his mouth and breathes her in, feels her shaky exhale and swallows it whole. Tom tests her lips and finally kisses Olivia deeply as one finger vanishes in her wetness and she moans in sweet appreciation. He lowers her back onto the mattress, drops his lips to her collarbone and lavishly caresses her until he sucks her nipple into his mouth, sucks until she does exactly what he expects - she arches into him, pushes more of her full breast into his awaiting mouth. One finger moves within her languidly, teasing her until Olivia raises her hips and tries to meet it, tries to feel more of Tom. Where it had been about Tom earlier this was about her.

„Two." It's half whisper half whimper.

Her request is followed as Tom adds another finger, sucks on her tit more greedily while he pushes a hand beneath her tailbone and lifts her just enough to give his other hand some more room. Her feet are flush against the mattress, her pelvis rises. He has learned by now that she loves this, loves to be finger fucked. He can't deny that he prefers to be inside of her, but he's all too willing to give her something she enjoys so thoroughly. Although Tom is not entirely sure, he thinks she likes this even more than when he goes down on her.

Olivia is predictable. Her every reaction is predictable by now. She bites out a whimper when he thrusts his crooked fingers deeply into her. He releases her breast and watches her, hardens to completion the moment he sees her catch her bottom lip between her teeth, her flushed cheeks and cleavage, the way her head arches.

He will never tire of this, he thinks. To see her body fight against the impending climax while craving it at the same time, begging him to get her there. His dick throbs and if he had a free hand, he'd help himself out because watching her is pleasure and torture at the same time.

„Uhn…" Her head rises off the mattress and falls back after a second. Everything is sensation. He makes her dizzy, and he's taking his time today. If he wanted he could get her off much quicker. Reaching down and wrapping her fingers around Toms wrist she tries to stop him because it's too much.

„Talk to me," he encourages. Her grip eases because she doesn't really mean it, doesn't truly want him to stop. She wants to savor the moment, savor him but she wants to come, too.

It continues on - thirty seconds, a minute. Olivia knows it's Tom's way to make up for their encounter before, for the fact he had used her, had tried to make himself feel better over the looming death of his sister's marriage. Again his lips encase her erect nipple, the other one this time, and her eyes press tightly shut at the wonderful feel of his warm wet mouth, how he expertly flicks his tongue across the rock hard bud.

Olivia's hand searches, grazes skin and taut muscle on its exploration. It's so quiet, she can hear the smacking noise of his fingers leisurely plunging into her wetness.

„I wanna touch you…"

The words are a tickle in his groin and Tom groans. He is so weak-willed when she says things like that with her voice so husky, so sexy. His lips find her neck and he lowers his pelvis. His erection lands square on her stomach and she reaches between their bodies as he lifts himself up, trying to find a position that allows him to keep his fingers moving inside her at a pleasurable angle. When Olivia finds him and her fingers wrap firmly around his length, he loses every bit of ability to think. He's all body and feeling. Olivia gives and for a moment he is unable to give back.

„Goddamn ´livia," he breathes roughly, then chuckles. It is absurd what this woman can do to him with just a touch. Her hand is soft and warm and sometimes when she touches him like this, he can't help but wonder how her mouth would feel on him. She has never given him oral and he has never brought it up but he asks himself if it's something she doesn't do. The question is wiped off his mind as Olivia expertly swipes her thumb over the tip of his penis, sending him into sweet oblivion.

Their breathing pattern is rugged as they pump each other closer to climax, him into her, her around him. Olivia hisses as he hits the spot she needs him to and squeezes him in return. He is impossibly hard in her hand and while at first she had been a little unsure about how to manually pleasure an uncircumcised man, she had a feeling he was much more sensitive, much more responsive. In a way it was more effortless for her, too. Both, her prejudice and reticence have fallen away in the past couple of months.

Somehow they manage to move in synch as they work to bring each other to climax. Olivia peaks first, manages to push everything else from her mind and just feel.

„Oh yes! There… right there…" Her voice is thick and breathy, her throat dry and because he can't take any distraction Tom reluctantly pushes his body up so he's on his hand and knees. He moves backwards on the bed and angles his thrusts for her, wants to make her come. He's so hard it's painful. Tom pushes into her, his palm settles against her sex and he takes the time to flick his thumb over her clitoris that he had completely ignored until now. He presses into her and holds and it's all it takes because within ten seconds she convulses around him, her belly pulling him deeper. Olivia's entire body spasms, her buttocks come off the mattress, her toes flex and the sound that drops from her mouth is higher than anything Tom has ever heard from her.

He remains inside of her until she stills completely. Her nipples are rock hard. Tom thinks she could cut glass with them, if she tried. There is another tremble of his girlfriend's body when Tom slowly pulls his fingers out of her, smiling when she raises her head to look at him. Olivia cheeks are flushed with arousal and orgasm. It draws Tom in and he moves to kiss her face, buries both his hands in her hair.

His heart is full.

Olivia shivers and he gently brushes his palms down her arms. They are covered in goosebumps.

„Cold?"

„A little," she rasps. Her throat is dry and scratchy.

„Let's get you under the blanket then." Tom helps her to pull it out from under her, covers the both of them. He's still painfully hard but deals with it.

„Do you need anything?"

„Water?"

„Uh… yeah, wait a second." He gets up, picks up his underwear and slides it back on before he gets a small bottle of water from the kitchen and gives it to Olivia, who thankfully accepts the beverage as Tom slides in next to her, wraps himself around her to create warmth under the blanket.

„You still got time for lunch then?" He nuzzles her ear and she turns so they are face to face and puts her hand on his hip, feeling the waistband of his tight briefs.

„Yeah, but I'd rather stay here." Olivia closes her eyes, breathes him in as they are nose to nose. „Take those off," she whispers. „I'm not finished."

„I think you're finished alright," he teases and gently kisses her. She pulls at the material of his underpants, pushes them down as best as she can.

„You know you're going to make me make a mess here?" He really doesn't give a fuck about his sheets, he has laundry to do anyway.

„That a problem?" She teases and takes a hold of him again, starts to jack him off, slowly at first, then faster.

„No," he breathes and his eyes close at the sensations, the friction her hand and his foreskin create as she moves. He enjoys every second of it, his pelvis grinding into Olivia's hand on its own account. „Faster…"

And she does, reaching a perfect pace that makes his brain go mushy as his balls tighten. „I'm gonna… Oh fuck I'm gonna…" Before he can finish he finishes, erupts into Olivia's warm palm with a deep groan of satisfaction.

His semen is all over her hand, sticky and warm and she lets him catch his breath for a moment. „You got a tissue here somewhere?"

„Uh. Yeah." He rolls over, reaches for the drawer of his nightstand and produces a box of Kleenex. Olivia takes one and cleans up what she can, wipes her hands before she takes one more to wipe off what is soaking the linen. „I'll just get cleaned up," she says softly and climbs out of bed, vanishes in the bathroom to wash her hands.

The tiles are cold beneath her bare feet and Olivia stares in the mirror for a moment. Sometimes she thinks a stranger looks back at her, someone different than who she has been a few months ago. She doesn't know when it was she's changed, when she had gone from badass cop, one of the boys who didn't need romance, candle-light dinners and proclamations of love to someone who craves all these things. She had started to soften after Elliot had left, thinking it must have been because she was broken, needing someone to pick up the pieces, pick up what was left of her. Everything she was not, everything she never needed? She wants it now. She likes to just sit on Tom's couch with a movie running and her hand in his, glass of wine on the table. She likes to fall asleep in total proximity when in the past she often turned away and fought for her space in bed. She lets him hold her hand in public, which isn't a first, but she had always been the person who had rather locked arms. She has been changing for years, but at the moment it feels like she is getting to know herself, discovers all of these new sides of her being, of the person she has become since David, Brian and Tucker. The person she is with Tom.

Olivia touches her fingertips to her slightly swollen lips and can still feel the flames of Tom's kiss on them. Her skin is chilled and her state of undress makes her wonder when exactly she has started to feel so comfortable around him naked. She still has her moments of doubt and that feeling of embarrassment crawls to the surface when Tom's gaze is on her for too long, taking her in, but she no longer worries about it, she no longer feels the urge to hide something.

When she returns Tom's eyes are closed but he lifts the blanket as he senes her presence. She cuddles up to him, inhales the rich scent of him, sex and perspiration. An arm wraps around her and the rough calluses of Tom's left fingertips that originated from pushing down on steel strings for thirty years, dance across her back. She will remember this moment tonight when she slips under her covers, when she's in her own bed. Alone. Remember the peace she feels when they are together, his calming touch, his searing kiss that holds promises Olivia never thought she wanted.

„What are you going to do on New Year's Eve?" Fatigue laces Olivia's voice. She constrains herself to keep her eyes open or else she is going to fall asleep.

„Don't know yet. I doubt Becca wants me with her although I hate to think she could be alone."

Rebecca. She and her marriage had slipped from Olivia's mind, her body still humming from her climax.

„In case you stay in the city," Olivia starts, her heart beating a little faster. She sees Tom crack open one eye, waiting for what she is about to say. „I'm going to go out with a few people from work. It's not much of a thing, just co-workers going out for drinks. And maybe… you'd like to come along?"

Olivia doesn't just extend an invitation to Tom, to her it's much more. The people she works with, well, a few of them at least, are something like a family to Olivia. She has known Fin for eighteen years and knows he always has her back, will always root for her no matter what. She has grown close to Amanda although things have been rocky in the past. Both women had to learn to trust each other and started to do so because they were in very similar situations. Carisi is no longer the new guy. As shocked as Olivia had been when he had first showed up at SVU, Sonny has worked hard and proved he earned a spot in her unit. She spends the majority of the week with these people, the majority of her year and thus she is going to end the year with them, with the only family she's ever really known.

She realizes Tom is watching her and she feels herself get a little nervous when he doesn't answer. She had thought it is what he wanted, get to know her people, get involved. Maybe she had been wrong, had misread the whole thing. She tries to read him and realizes that right now she can't. Not until his lips crack and he smiles at her like a little kid.

„You sure?"

„No," she chuckles softly, admitting the truth. She isn't sure about this at all but thinks it's the right thing. Both Amanda and Fin had at least seen Tom before, Amanda has even talked to him when he left presents for Noah and her at the precinct. „But I'd like you there anyway. It's hard to explain but they are not just the people I work with. They are friends. I guess you could say I see them as my family. There's… except for them and my friend Carrie who lives in Boston there's no one I could introduce you to. They're it."

He entwines their hands and brings it up to his mouth, kissing her fingers. He thinks back to Monday night, thinks of things admitted to his sister about his relationship with Olivia and the doubt he felt more often than not. He thinks about the mention of baby steps and realizes that for Olivia it's much more than that. What a baby step is for Tom, is something enormous for his girlfriend. „I'd love to meet them."

„If you don't want to you don't have to."

„´livia, I want to. Trust me, I want to more than you know," Tom assures.


	44. Lissy

In the eighteen years Odafin Tutuola has known Olivia Benson he can't recall a single occasion where Liv has introduced him, or anyone else of the squad for that matter, to a man she was seeing - at least not out of free will. He remembers her dating, of course. Plenty even. Fin had seen Olivia get dressed countless times at the precinct, on her way to a date after work, or she had been called to a crime scene while on a date, showing up in a dress and high heels. But every relationship her co-workers have officially and certainly known about had been forced or accidental outings.

Her relationship with that guy Moss had come to light only because IAB believed Olivia had torpedoed a case and gave information to her editor boyfriend. By the time everyone at SVU figured it out she had been seeing him for nine months.

During the time Liv had been dating Cassidy everyone suspected that she was involved with somebody, but it had taken Amaro and Munch showing up at Cassidy's place in the late evening for them to tell people about them. For a little while there had been an air of discomfort between Liv, Munch and Nick. Whatever the hell had happened there, afterwards her relationship with Brian had become common knowledge. Then there was Tucker, and Liv and he must have had a few months under their belt as well by the time she had come clean in the aftermath of the whole Catholic Church ordeal.

However long she had been dating either of the guys, Liv had always gone out of her way to keep her love life private. While she hadn't made a secret of it once the cat had been out of the bag, Fin senses that something about this relationship is different when she is the one to take the offensive and bring the man she is apparently seeing to their small New Year's Eve get-together.

Amanda draws his attention to the couple by knocking her elbow in his side and mumbling something into her beer bottle that sounds like „Liv's brought her boyfriend." Fin recognizes the guy from a night months ago at the hospital where he had waited for Olivia for hours as she had sat through a rape kit with a victim and had later taken her statement. At the time the man's hair had been a little shorter, his beard not as thick as it is now.

Olivia's gaze roams the bar until she spots Amanda, Carisi and him. Her companion has all eyes on her, his hand on the small of her back as he follows and guides her past the entrance at the same time. She gestures at the bar, nonverbally telling her co-workers she's getting drinks first before she turns towards her date. Fin sees something he's not seen with Olivia Benson before, at least not directed at a lover. Her eyes soften, her usually tense body relaxes slightly as she applies her attention to her ginger-haired companion. Olivia moves closer and says something to the guy. Although there is no further bodily contact, no kiss, Fin redirects his gaze, feeling like he's become witness to an intimate moment between the couple.

…

„They're already here. Should we get drinks first?" Olivia's face is flushed and she isn't sure if it's from the biting cold outside or from nerves. Fin, Amanda and Carisi have spotted her instantly. Have spotted _them._ While it's not the first time either of them meets someone she's dating this time it feels different. For one Tom is the first man she's with that the other's haven't known before, he's not NYPD, which makes her wonder if they will get along, find something to talk about at all, something they could possibly have in common. With Tom being a pre-school teacher and them working some of the most gruesome cases, their worlds, their daily reality couldn't be more different. Olivia feels Tom's hand on the small of her back and she leans in a little closer, smells the combination of the woody fragrance of his cologne and his personal odor, a heady mix she has come to love.

„Sure. What do you want? Wine?" The bar is crowded, it's probably going to take a few minutes until they are served but the place sells drinks that are pretty straight forward, no extravagant cocktails. An expression of indecision settles on Olivia's face as she unbuttons her woolen winter coat and Tom helps her as she shrugs out of it en route to the bar.

„Not tonight. I'll have a Martini." They reach the bar and Olivia takes her coat from Tom. There are no coat hooks anywhere, not that Olivia would feel comfortable to leave her personal things out of her sight for even a second. This isn't some small town but New York City. Stuff either gets stolen or ruined. The place is noisy with chatter and music and the song changes to U2's _With Or Without You._

„I have a love-hate relationship with that song," Olivia says out of the blue as they are waiting to order their drinks.

„How can anyone have hate with U2?" Tom has loved U2 since he was a kid, he had played many of the band's songs on the guitar for hours and hours.

„First love," Olivia shrugs and smiles sheepishly.

„Ahh," he says, understanding perfectly. He figures everyone has that one song that accompanied their broken heart. „The first and worst love fiancé then?"

„Hm-hm." Olivia nods and glances in the direction of her friends who are occupying a table for six. Melinda has not yet arrived, making her wonder if she's not going to show up at all and spend her night with a dead body at the morgue. She notices that the eyes of Amanda and Carisi are on them, only Fin has the decency to look elsewhere.

„What _With Or Without you_ is for you, is _Skinny Love_ for me," he says easily, realizing that for the first time he is able to smile at the thought of the song.

„Birdy?" Olivia chuckles.

„Hell no. Bon Iver. Although her version isn't half bad I guess."

„Is it a bad thing that I have no idea who Bon Iver is?" The name doesn't ring a bell, but she does know the song.

„Bon Iver is a project, actually. Indie folk band," Tom explains, wrapping his arm around her hip and pulling her close for just a second. „Live the song is killer."

One of the bartenders looks at them and Tom places their order. A Martini for Olivia, a beer for himself. And do they want anything else? No, thank you.

They are served and Tom puts a twenty on the bar. Olivia takes her drink and he lets her lead the way as he follows with his beer and her coat draped around his arm. He recognizes Amanda instantly and one of the men had been at the hospital that one night months ago when their date was interrupted.

„Hi guys," Olivia greets shyly, feeling a little put on the spot. Tom can sense she is nervous, although not as much as when they had walked into the bar. „There's someone I'd like you to meet, I hope that's okay." She hadn't asked beforehand, hoping it wasn't a problem. She carefully puts her drink on the table and stands a little awkwardly, knowing in a way they are under scrutiny, piquing the curiosity of her friends. „This is Tom." Olivia makes a clumsy gesture as Amanda scoots closer to Carisi so Olivia and her date can sit. „And this is Dominick Carisi-„

„Sonny," Carisi says and quickly comes to stand, extending his hand for a handshake.

„You've met Amanda."

„Right, my Santa," Tom laughs.

„Good to see you again Tom, I suppose it was a good present then."

„I don't know about that but I'm still around." Olivia slides into the booth and sits down next to Amanda and Tom follows suit.

„And Odafin Tutuola, my partner against crime for the past… what? Eighteen years?"

„Sounds about right," he agrees. „And it's Fin. Nice to meet ya."

„Nice to meet you, too." He can feel Olivia's discomfort in the new situation radiating off of her in waves and gently squeezes her knee under the table, out of anyone's sight. She turns her head to gaze at him, her cheeks adorably flushed. Not even her make-up can cover the natural blush.

While Fin has no idea what the man does for a living it is obvious he's not a cop, not even close. It's something about his posture and ease, something about his eyes that certainly haven't seen the haunting cruelties that they have. The things he does know however are telling in different ways. There are the little changes he has seen in Olivia lately. How she seems happier. It's not something Fin can put his finger on, it just seems like she smiles more, that the weight on her shoulders isn't lifted but at least a little lighter. It's the Fridays that are so telling when she leaves the precinct earlier. It's in her mood that doesn't shift as easily, even during particularly hard cases. Fin knows he's not the only one noticing the changes. Amanda makes ambiguous jokes or plainly states that she'd be smiling too, if she got laid. Carisi regularly points out how she looks good and Fin thinks it's because she smiles a lot more and has found a balance not only between work and being a mother, but with being a woman, too.

„How's the time off treating you, Liv?" The conversation gets started easily. Since she has been back from Chicago she hadn't even stopped by the precinct due to her concussion. After three weeks without a day off the downtime^ is well deserved.

„What do you think?" She scoffs because if there's one thing neither of them knows is such a thing as a lot of time off work and mostly they take some case home with them even then. You never truly go home and leave the victims at work. There's always something lurking in the corners of her mind. „I wouldn't mind more regular breaks from busting perps."

„Tell me about it," Amanda agrees dryly, sipping her Whisky Soda. „Speaking of work, Barba called yesterday-."

Olivia cuts her off. „The Momson case is going to trial, I know," she says. „Let's not discuss cases tonight." There is no reason to talk victims or perps with Tom present. SVU is an entirely different world, one that she doesn't want her boyfriend to hear too much about. „Has Melinda canceled?"

„Said she was going to join us later, said something about a dinner date with Joe. Got the graveyard shift, I suppose," Fin fills her in.

„Barba?" She quickly looks at Tom, explaining who they are talking about. „Melinda's a Medical Examiner and Barba's our ADA."

„Haven't heard back from him, he's probably at some fancy party."

„So Tom, how did you two meet?" It's Carisi who stirs the conversation towards Olivia's date, trying to incorporate him.

„Erm, through work actually. I'm a teacher at Noah's school so we met, I asked her out, we took it from there."

Olivia laughs softly because he makes it sound so easy when the reality had been nothing short of a catastrophe that had started at their first date and had continued on until Olivia had finally realized she wanted to give a relationship with Tom a chance.

„What?" Amanda asks, amusement in her eyes and curiosity taking over.

„Nothing," Olivia says quickly, too quickly, sipping her Martini in an extra slow manner.

Tom too laughs and they share a knowing glance. But nobody needs to know that Olivia had made him work hard for what they had now. About all of her insecurities and dates that had eventually ended with her breaking off something that had never even started.

…

The evening progresses, conversation is light and the mood wanton. Amanda shares a little about her Christmas with Jesse, Olivia and Noah when Carisi asks, Fin only says that he's seen Ken and his husband because that's who he is, he never shares much in the group. Sometimes he tells Olivia things, knowing it will stay between the two of them.

„Another round? I'm buying." Tom offers and gets up and Amanda nudges Olivia so she can get up as well.

„I'll go with you. Sonny? Beer?"

„Yeah."

„Me too."

„Liv?"

„Vodka Tonic."

„I gotta eat something, I'm starving," Amanda complains. „Wings and chicken fingers?"

„And fries," Olivia pipes up. „Ketchup."

„Got it."

Amanda follows Tom to the bar and the waiting game begins once more. The music has just the right volume to allow conversation. Journey's _Don't Stop Believing_ comes from the speakers and Tom can see Olivia's lips moving along to what he believes are the song lyrics from where she sits in their booth.

„You are different."

Tom faces the blonde who's looking at him quizzically. He's not entirely sure if it's the alcohol or something else talking.

„Different?"

„Well, the thing about Liv is… she's not usually introducing her boyfriends to us. Don't get me wrong we knew and met her exes but she doesn't disclose when she's dating someone or tells us who she's dating. Her previous relationships sorta… been outed against her will."

Tom isn't sure what to think of that kind of information nor does he understand the extent of it. He can't say he's surprised, Olivia is clearly a person who's taking it slow and plans every step ahead and still he can't quite grasp what Amanda is trying to tell him.

„Well, she's probably not been seeing them for long."

„She's been seeing them a lot longer than she's been with you and I don't think she had any intention of telling anyone anytime soon. So… you are different."

„Okay," he says slowly. It's hard to believe that she kept her former relationships secret from people Olivia called her friends, her family. Shouldn't they be who she shares her personal happiness with? People she trusts? If she didn't have any intention to tell her friends about her former relationships, then why did she with him? She had never gone out of her way to make it a secret. They had met in the diner across from the precinct from the start and although any form of PDA had been off limits at first, it hadn't been longer than four weeks until she kissed him hello and goodbye out on the streets.

„She's different with you, too," Amanda continues on.

It confuses him and he's not all sure if Amanda has had a drink too much because he can't possibly judge if Olivia's different with him. He would like to think that he knows Olivia but how is he supposed to know about differences he's never even seen. He doesn't know much about her exes, just that she has broken up with one because they wanted different things and things hadn't felt right with the other. He doesn't even know why her engagement had been broken off all these years ago.

„Meaning?"

„Meaning Olivia can be a closed off person, she might even push the people she cares most about away. I don't want to cross any lines here but… I'm her friend, we all are. I just want you to know that you're different and although it might not always feel that way she's let you in further in four months than she's let others in in double or triple that time. When it ever gets rough? Remember that. Because everything that makes you different seems to be exactly what she needs." She quickly glances in Olivia's direction who is engrossed in a conversation with Carisi and it's good to see her like this, so carefree, enjoying drinks. It has been a while since they've been out but usually the occasion isn't celebratory. Of course there is the drink after Barba had won in court but it's not usually such a relaxed atmosphere because deep down they all know that the current case is still in the works and nobody ever knows the final outcome.

„Look, I don't know if I'm different, I mean… I'm not sure…" The whole string of conversation is too much, more than Tom can absorb at the moment and maybe the three beers he's had so far are to blame.

„You are not like her exes. She's often dated fellow cops which comes with the territory. It's hard to date, especially with this kind of job and a child so the people we meet are usually in law enforcement as well. In a way that makes things easy because they understand the hours, the job, the darkness, the stress - everything. But it also makes it hard because there's never really a break from the job. You come home to a cop. They ask about your cases, you ask about theirs and… it never stops, you know? I don't know what it is about you but… she's… happier. She's changed. Subtly but she's changed. And trust me when I tell you that it's not easy to find happiness when you see what we see day in and day out. Olivia's been in this unit for almost twenty years. Fin's been doing it for eighteen - the average for a SVU detective is one or two years. They can't take it for much longer because it's not homicide with a victim who was killed, it's not narcotics where you're trying to bust dealers, it's… it's like nothing else. It's live victims, it's children and it taints your whole view on this world, it taints you. Liv… She's been through a hell of a lot in those twenty years in this unit. I've known her for six years, I've seen her at her best and at her worst. And I don't know what the hell you're doing but please keep doing it for her."

Before Tom can say anything, as he still processes the information and the request, it's their turn and Amanda orders a plate of wings, chicken fingers, barbecue and honey mustard sauce, fries and another round of drinks. Beer for the guys and vodka tonic for Olivia and herself.

…

Warner joins them when the crowd out five is halfway through their next round of drinks and the plates of food. Some guy has the nerve to hit on Olivia on her way back from the ladies room and when he doesn't want to take no for an answer and puts his hand on her hip she grabs his wrist, goes nose to nose with him and whispers something underneath her breath and Tom swears the guy's blood must have run cold. Whatever his girlfriend said to him, the guy takes two steps back, holds up his hands and walks off with his tail between his legs.

„That was impressive," Tom says with a chuckle. „What the hell did you say to him?" A few seconds longer he would have gotten up and put a stop to it, however Olivia was clearly able to help herself.

„I tried to flirt back,I fear I was coming on a little too strong," Olivia said as she came to sit back down next to Tom, smiling.

„You should see her on the job. Do you have any idea how badass she is?"

„Nope, I can only imagine." Olivia doesn't talk about her work. Whenever she mentions something it is very basic information. Something like ‚we caught the guy' or ‚I have to go to Chicago to work a rape case'. Tom has no clue who she is on the job, how she is on the job.

„I'm not badass," Olivia assures Tom.

„Nah, come on, Liv, take a lil' credit for it. Tell ya what," Fin starts, looking at Tom. „Couple of years back we're all out to make an arrest." Fin leaves out the details, no reason to mention what the guy had been good for and put those images in a civilian's head. „Guy leaves his house, Liv approaches him, tells him he's arrested, right?"

Olivia groans, knowing which of the many arrests Fin is talking about. She rolls her eyes and grabs a chicken finger, running it through the barbecue sauce instead of interrupting the tale because Tom is obviously taken in by the recount.

„So she's behind him to cuff him and out of nowhere the asshat elbows her in the face. Now Liv don't even flinch, one second the piece of garbagef elbows her, the next she's throwing him down, cuffs him. She's bleeding and our perp calls her all sorts of nasty shit. She gets up, helps him to stand and he keeps tossing insults at her. Now Olivia here? Just uses her upper arm to wipe off the blood that's oozing from her lip and she goes, `manda, what she say?"

„She goes: ,Yeah honey, call me all the things you want, I promise you I've heard worse. But what really pisses me off is that you've ruined by blouse."

The story draws a laugh from everyone and before they know it they are talking about the strangest and funniest things they have come across on the job. Olivia's trip on shrooms comes back up and it's even funnier when Fin tells it. Melinda shares about a guy that had once come in the ER back in the day when she had still been an intern, wearing a long leather coat that was flared in the back due to a toilet brush the idiot had stuck in his rectum - bristles first. Of course he had pretended that it had been an accident, he had somehow fallen onto the brush. The comparison to a Batman cape has Amanda in tears, especially when Tom remembers that it makes an awful lot of sense since the word ‚Bad' means bathroom in German, it's a bit of a long shot but under the influence everyone thinks it's funny. It is Olivia who finally explodes with laughter when Warner gives a detailed recount of how the guy had started to cry hysterically when he found out his stupidity would end with surgery because he needed a stoma. Whenever anyone used the words ‚brush', ‚bristles' or even ‚object', the guy couldn't stop sobbing so eventually he requested they call _it_ Lissy.

„You can't be serious," Amanda almost yelps with laughter. „He gave that thing a name?"

„Looks like it," Warner agrees.

„Lesson learned, if you ever feel the need to stick a toilet brush up your ass always do it handle first," Carisi chuckles, taking a swig of his beer.

„You mean a Lissy," Tom corrects.

„Stop," Olivia laughs. „God. Why? I mean why would anybody do that?"

„You wouldn't believe how many people come to the ER with foreign objects in their rectum, men and women alike."

„I mean, people have kinks, who cares. But at least use appropriate sex toys that won't get…"

„Swallowed up?" Amanda wiggles her eyebrows.

„I was about to say lost, but yeah," Fin says.

„Okay that's. I don't wanna know about anyone's kinks, thank you very much," Olivia says and empties her vodka tonic. „I think we're going to head out, what do you say?"

„Whenever you're ready," Tom agrees.

„You gonna go watch the Ball Drop?"

„Nah, too many people," Olivia says and gets up with Tom.

„It was great to finally meet you all." Tom helps Olivia into her coat, then puts on his own jacket and takes a las swig of his beer.

„Nice to meet you, too."

For a moment it's chatter, niceties are being exchanged until Tom and Olivia say their final goodbyes and leave the bar. The night air is cold and Tom slips his hand into Olivia's as they start walking. Olivia turns her head, pushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

„So?"

„So…" Tom repeats. „They seem to be great people."

„They are. They really are."

„They like you, I think."

„Right? Because what's not to like," Tom teases and puts his lips against Olivia's forehead for just a second as they walk. „I'm a pretty great guy."

„That you are," Olivia's smiles.

„We tend to end up with pretty great women. I have a feeling I got especially lucky."

Olivia laughs and it's full and rousing and intoxicated.

„So, do I drop you off at your place? Do we go to mine? What's the actual plan here?" They haven't discussed the further course of the night when they had left for the bar.

„Mine? Noah's actually at Timmothy's, they've had a bit of a party for the kids. I'm supposed to pick him up at nine tomorrow."

„Yours it is," Tom agrees. He's never been to her apartment except that one time after they've seen Hamilton and ever since then Tom had wanted to go back, be surrounded by her things again, by everything that was Olivia.

„Okay then," she smiled. „Unless… you're not going to misuse my toilet brush, right?"

„No worries, your Lissy is safe."

…


	45. You Can Hear It In The Silence

Olivia is tucked against Tom's side as his thumb is caressing her arm. She has turned on the TV a few minutes ago to watch the broadcast of the Ball Drop on Times Square, something Olivia hasn't done in years. There has never been anything that Olivia considered special about a new year, not when in the end it's the same old, no matter if it's 2016 or 2017. This time however December doesn't seem to end in disaster and she isn't alone while her son has long fallen asleep either. In the past few years Olivia hadn't even stayed awake to ring in the new year.

Olivia feels comfortable. Tom's arm is draped across her shoulder and his thumb is now drawing lazy circles against her sweatshirt-clad arm. She smiles, watching the masses on the TV screen and relaxes more against the warm body next to her.

„Do you have any new year's resolutions?" She tries to think of any bad habits Tom has but comes up empty.

He tilts his head and gazes into dark brown eyes. He hasn't thought about any resolutions this year. He smoked too little to plan on quitting and overall he was pleased with his life. „I'd like to reflect every day and find there was something joyous or positive about it. Sometimes I focus on the negative stuff too much and let it overshadow all the good things that have happened."

Olivia looks at him, surprise obvious in her facial features. The words sounded alien from Tom's mouth. „You are a positive natured person already. I don't think I've ever seen in you in a particularly bad or pessimistic mood." Of course there had been the fight with his sister which had weighed on Tom and since Rebecca's husband had hurled the word _divorce_ at his wife Tom was worried and thinking of his twin sister a lot but that aside he was a rather upbeat person.

„I'm not a pessimist but I also haven't been as optimistic as I used to be," he admits. „I think I'm getting there again and a lot of it has to do with you." He remembers his outlook on life when he had first moved to New York, after Sarah has stolen his confidence and taken his happiness. When he had drowned his pain in liquor, work and women. He hadn't given a crap about optimism at the time despite his sanguine disposition. But in time the wounds healed and with a new love came a change that made Tom feel a lot like his old self, although ten years ago he wouldn't have questioned the quality of a relationship or his girlfriends investment in it by the amount of time spent together or the length of a phone call. These insecurities were a relic of Sarah's betrayal and how much he has lost himself in it.

„With me? How?" Olivia's voice is soft and the question asked swims in her eyes as Tom's gaze falters for a second.

„Because in love the grass is always greener." He chuckles but shakes his head, lets his left hand drop on Olivia's thigh. „No seriously though, I have been okay before we started seeing each other but I've realized in the past few weeks that I haven't been as _happy_ as I wanted to make myself believe. That has changed with you. It's not always easy but I've been a lot happier in the past few months than I have been in many years," he says with a small smile that doesn't reach his eyes. There's a vulnerability radiating off of him that Olivia has never seen. Her hand gently drops onto Tom's, feels its warmth as her fingers curl around his.

Olivia has never gotten a vibe of unhappiness or discontentment from Tom but maybe, like many people, he only showed people what he wanted them to see. But without questioning it she understands because for her it has been the same. She has felt a real sense of happiness as her relationship with Tom blossomed. Even though they don't spend a majority of their free time together, with Tom Olivia feels like she actually belongs. His bachelor pad has become a safe haven, his bed her sanctuary. Olivia was never known for huge declarations of her feelings, never as forthcoming, always careful. With him she changes and it makes her want to be better and not keep it all locked inside just because she's scared that it isn't going to last. That fear, no matter what, still remains to this day because nothing has ever lasted for her. And when something had seemed too good to be true, it usually had been. It had usually ended.

„I've been really happy, too." Her heartbeat quickens and nervousness peaks. The words fall from her lips with hesitation but once they are out Olivia feels liberated. She is reassured when Tom's mouth connects with her forehead in the gentlest of kisses, such a simple gesture of affection meaning so much more. Olivia's eyes close and she exhales shakily as she tension within her resolves.

„That's good to hear. I didn't have the feeling you were particularly unhappy but you never really said much," Tom says and nuzzles her hair. His palm affectionately rubs her thigh. On TV the countdown starts. Fifty-eight seconds until the new year. Tom's eyes sweep over her face and he observes the blush that settles on her face.

„Talking about these things is hard for me," she admits. „Relationships have never lasted for me and partially that was my fault because for a long time I've put my job first. I never knew how to create a healthy balance in my life before I had Noah."

„It's a process," Tom whispers into her hair, the words tickling her.

Forty-four seconds.

„I guess."

„I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me, Olivia." Her name is thick and sweet like honey as it settles between them. She has always liked her nickname better but from Tom's mouth she almost prefers Olivia. From him it sounds like something sacred, like she is somehow special.

„I know." And she does, but there are always the demons lurking, whispering to her to be careful, to not give too much of herself too soon. She gives her body, her heart, her affection. But she rarely ever commits with her words because they bind. A word to Olivia is like a promise, and promises she hates to break.

Thirty-seven seconds left until midnight.

Tom can hear the hesitation, feels the insecurity. He understands how it can be hard to talk about all the things you feel, to bare your soul and give vulnerability space. It can be about power or unease. But under the best circumstances it can be simply about a healthy balance of affection given and received. Funnily he realizes he is a bit of a hypocrite. He knows exactly how he feels about Olivia and he hasn't said it and won't say it for a while, knowing it would be too early. Three simple words that can be such a force of nature. Three words that Tom has always believed contain the essence of life.

„Do you have any resolutions?"

Olivia made a thoughtful face. She had never been all that serious about any New Year's resolutions. „Not really. I always intend to make some time just for me but who am I kidding," she laughs easily.

„Well, that is a resolution," Tom encourages.

Fifteen seconds, the choir of people gets louder as they belt out the little time left.

„So, all in all it has been a pretty good year, hasn't it?" Olivia's voice drops to a stage whisper, hoping he will agree.

„Definitely a very good year."

Seven. Six. Five. Four.

„Happy New Year." It's almost just a breath, words filled with near silence.

„Happy New Year."

He smiles and sees her smiling back at him as his hand tangles in her hair before he tilts her head towards him just enough to capture her mouth in a soft kiss. Her lips are welcoming, her breath Gin Tonic. There is no rush, just a sensual kiss that stimulates Tom's senses and stirs something deep in his groin that is far beyond sexual arousal. He breathes her in and his hand slips from her hair to cup her face, his thumb grazing the slope of her cheek. When he breaks the kiss he looks at her and the three words he had thought about not even a minute ago are on the tip of his tongue and there's only so much he can do to diffuse them as her brown eyes swim with affection and contentment. He tucks a finger underneath her chin to make sure she won't avert her gaze.

„I am so in love with you," he murmurs, his voice deep.

As quickly as his courage has come it now dissipates as Olivia doesn't say anything. She just looks at him, her expression blank. She is not surprised. There had been no reason for him to say it out loud because she would have heard it all in his silence, in the way he looks at her with so much affection and admiration, in the way he touched the pad of his thumb against the slope of her cheek. Even without words she heard him and it puzzles her that she could have this sort of connection with someone again.

„Too soon?" Insecurity is a beast and it sinks its teeth into Tom's flesh.

When she shakes her head it's almost imperceptible as the faintest of smiles settles on her face. The words that follow mingle with a kiss. „Me too."

Within Olivia realizes a door has been opened, one that she had made sure remained shut for the longest time. She has been in love and she has loved, but she had never allowed herself to get lost in it, to indulge in all of those satiable emotions. Her tongue slides into his mouth, absorbing the warmth and exposing everything that's underneath.

S _he is in love._

She feels overwhelmed as their tongues slowly dance and explore, feels so full that she thinks she might be on the verge of tears with happiness and vulnerability alike. Olivia has felt fragile before, but then she had always been at an actual breaking point. This is completely different.

It's nothing close to Lowell Harris cuffing her to a door in a basement and pushing his penis into her face, against her lips.

It is not the shattering clarity that she might die like she experienced when William Lewis had forced her own gun into her mouth, making her beg for her life.

Nothing like when he taunted her and no matter how guarded she'd tried to keep herself, he could still read her, see right through her.

It certainly has no resemblance to the fragility she had felt the seconds before she had felt something stronger than her rational self take over and beat Lewis to an inch of his life with a metal bar, trying to force the very last breath out of the bastard.

It is fundamentally different. And it is just as terrifying at the same time. There have been no such declarations from her to Brian or Tucker, none to Moss either. And all the other relationships haven't even lasted long enough for her to feel anything past a moderate liking.

When he breaks the kiss her breath is a little staccato. He palms her cheek and rests his forehead against hers, convinced he's wearing a stupid grin that she thankfully can't see. He has been entirely unprepared for her to admit she is in love with him, too but thinks he's never heard anything better. When he pulls back he sees big brown eyes look bashfully into his. She seems no less surprised than Tom himself.

She draws a breath and takes his hand, worries her bottom lip for a moment.

„You okay?" His voice is soothing because he thinks there might be a problem, that maybe she is about to look for a way out of the situation that has been created. She nods slowly as she revisits the past few months, the ups and downs, the good and bad. Olivia, as always, has been guarded but she has also softened and opened up, has trusted and dared. She feels a little self-conscious because she has revealed so much more of herself to Tom in the past six, seven months than she has to her former boyfriends. It is the first time she feels secure enough to want to open up and not shut down in the name of self-preservation.

Although Olivia nods her silence throws him. He braces himself for the contrary as she opens her mouth and speaks.

„I think it's time for you to meet Noah." She tries to decipher what is washing over Tom's face but there is too much going on all at once. But as her words register with him fully she can see his lips split into a broad smile before he kisses her again. She knows how much this means to him, that the prospect of meeting her son outside of school is something that holds importance for Tom. In a way it validates their relationship.

He places feather light kisses on her mouth, then pulls back enough to look at her, tries to figure out if she is serious. There is so much change in so little time, he wonders if she's even the same person.

„What changed?"

„Nothing changed," she says softly, although she can see why he would think that. „I never meant to keep you away from him. I just needed some time. Not because of you but because the last time I was in a relationship I probably took this step too soon. Noah was much younger then so the implications were negligible. Now he's four, almost five and every choice I make for myself is also a choice I make for him. The moment he's involved there's going to be something at stake for Noah, too."

„A couple of weeks ago you were nowhere near ready it seemed."

„I don't always trust myself. I scrutinize, I get insecure," she admits. „But my reservations were never a mirror of how I felt about you. It's just me."

„So you're not having doubts?"

She would lie if she denied ever having dealt with doubt when it came to their relationship. She probably would get them from time to time because that was her nature. Biting her lip, she reached for his hand.

„I have them sometimes. They have little to do with you because obviously you are great. You are-," she shakes her head lightly and scrunches her nose. „- the kind of man I was no longer sure existed. I constantly reevaluate our relationship because… when I met you, when you asked me out, even when I agreed to go out with you? I wasn't expecting this." She studies him and tries to recall Tom's face without the beard, when he was cleanly shaven every day. „At first I was wholly convinced I wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't go out with you. And then I did. And when I went out with you and you told me how old you were? I felt stupid and…," she pauses and laughs, right back to feeling insecure. „Old. I felt old and embarrassed and again I was sure that I wouldn't and couldn't see you again," she shrugged. „Until I did. You crept into my life and into my heart and what I started feeling went against everything I thought I wanted or needed. And sometimes all of it is still overwhelming and I start having these doubts and wonder if it's too good to be true and whether it can last. It is in my nature that I wait for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I think you'll realize that we're not such a good fit as you thought, that you'll…" She pauses and exhales with the heaviness of the thoughts that sometimes overcome her. Tom squeezes her hand and she feels encouraged to keep going. „…I worry that you will come to realize you've underestimated the age difference."

„That still bothers you, huh?" The age difference hadn't come up since that night in Central Park in early summer. Maybe he had been an idiot to believe that it has been dealt with and was no longer an issue.

„I know that there are much more important things than age. I've never dated anyone who was more than a year or two younger, mostly the men I saw were my age or older and that's considered normal. Technically there is no difference there but it feels different, like it somehow puts me on the spot."

„You know, it's just ten years, Liv. Not like I'm a freshman in college," he teases with a smile.

She rolls her eyes and puts her head against his collarbone. „I know that. It's irrational. It's a stupid stereotypical thing I'm hung up on. My best friend applauds me, I'm not so sure if your parents will."

„You're worried about what my parents will think?"

„They are you parents of course I am worried about that." She wants to be liked or at least accepted. For as long as Olivia can remember she wanted to be part of a family, to feel that sense of belonging and safety.

„I already told my mother. Becca knows. They were surprised but they wouldn't judge me, you or our relationship. I don't give a damn about it, Olivia. You are smart, dedicated, passionate, beautiful and so, so sexy to me."

She blushes fiercely but knows it's not just empty words. She isn't blind or stupid. She sees the way he looks at her in moments he doesn't think she pays attention, can see the way the color of his eyes changes to a darker shade of blue with arousal when he kisses her with the intent of sex on his mind, the way his gaze rakes over her body when she's in various stages of undress. But it's not only primal. Olivia also feels it when he locks his arms around her, when he smiles at her and hangs onto every word she says. In the way she noticed he sometimes watches her when she's still asleep in the morning.

It is not the first time he calls her beautiful or sexy but this came so out of the blue and out of context that she is rendered speechless.

„You are," he repeats and gently combs his fingers through the soft strands of her hair.

She isn't going to argue with him, well aware it was an argument she could only lose. Instead she leans into him, put her head in the little nook of his neck where it fits perfectly. „A couple of minutes into the new year and you're already collecting brownie points," she mumbles with a smile.

„Mhm. I'm smart like that."

She inhales his aftershave and feels his palm drop onto her hip. „Bed?"

„Bed sounds good."

„I know. My bed's comfy."

„And mine isn't?" He laughs and she sits up to look at him, one brow lifting as if she's challenging him.

„You've got a futon."

„It's a good futon." Her face is amusement and disagreement alike. In her opinion that thing must have been built in hell and only served well as punishment of some sort.

„If you say so."

„What's wrong with my bed?"

„It kills my back." She couldn't tell if it was the mattress or the slatted frame. The entire thing is simply uncomfortable.

„You never said anything," Tom points out. Granted, it's not a great bed. He hadn't really made it a priority when he moved. He had needed a bed, he had purchased the one that was reasonably priced and looked okayish. It has served its purpose for the past four years.

„It's not my place to bitch about your bed," she shrugs apologetically.

„I thought you liked my bed." He sounds almost disappointed, as if it is a big deal or something he takes personally.

„I like to be in your bed with you, that's something," she shrugs with a smile, looking at the bright side.

„You being cute is not going to make this any better. You really don't like my bed?"

„I'm sorry," she offers with a grin, then laughs softly. „Hey, it's your bed, it's fine when I'm over. Just saying I couldn't spend every night in it." She leans in and attaches her lips to his. „And I guess you'll be spending more time in mine in the future anyway, so it's not that big of a deal."

„Uh-huh," he mumbles. „My bed's offended, though."

„I had no idea a bed has feelings. I'll apologize." She wraps her hand around his, gently tugging at it as she grins. „Your sofa's good though," Olivia teases.

…


	46. Battlefield

It's the dead of a late January night, too late for Tom to be up still but Olivia had arrived after 01:30 in the morning. He hates when she's on call because it's almost guaranteed she is either way late or has to leave at some point. Tom's hand skims down her side, Olivia's body still humming against his and beneath his touch. Her shallow breathing has settled, it's almost back to normal. He suckles on her pulse point, feeling her aorta pounding wildly against his lips before he pulls back to look at her face. The nightlight of his bedside lamp casts a soft glow upon her cheeks that doesn't hide the satisfying shade of red that has crept upon her face and cleavage.

The sex is changing. It's no longer as desperate and quick. He starts to get to know her body, the way it curves beneath his touch, how she jerks her hips towards him when it's good, how her breathing pattern changes just before she comes. He is more deliberate these days and he loves to watch whenever she falls over the edge.

Olivia feels his eyes on her before she looks back at him and a smile settles on her face as her fingers wrap around his neck. The case she has been working with Fin and Rollins up until about an hour ago had been rough. She feels safe here, though, in Tom's bed, in his arms. It allows her peace of mind, hours to forget and recharge. Even before she arrived here she had anticipated his touch, his lips on her, his smell. The way Tom so effortlessly moved against her and inside her. The sex is still great and pretty much guaranteed because they barely see each other all week. She craves these Fridays when she can sink into him and hide away from the world in a place where only they seem to exist. When he smiles back, his dimples barely showing beneath the beard, her head is reeling in too many directions at once. The case, the fact it's late and she'll have to leave in the morning - how she does not _want_ to leave in the morning. It's about damn time they get over with Noah and Tom meeting finally because then it will only be a matter of time until he will be able to spend the night at their apartment. They talk about it all the time but haven't quite figured out how to go about that first meeting. Olivia starts to think that it probably doesn't matter as much as she initially thought.

„You okay?" His hand is still there on her hip, smoothing upwards against her soft skin.

„Uh hm," she nods. „Better now."

He had seen the exhaustion and distress in her eyes as she had arrived. Naturally she didn't want to talk about it. She always refused to get into any details about her work or a case, explaining how she wants to leave it at the precinct and not take it home - at least not home to him.

She had shrugged out of her coat and kissed him when he had expected it least. He hadn't been sure it was such a good idea to go there when something seemed to be wrong and occupying her mind but Tom had been unable to say no to her. He wanted to give her everything and she had assured she was alright. That she wanted this.

Her hand crawls up to his neck, kneading his muscles below her nimble fingers. He groans softly as she works her magic and he allows the touch for a full minute, maybe more. Then he gently pushes her back into the pillow and lowers his mouth to her breast, kissing and suckling. What he hears is half moan, half chuckle as she tries to push him away when she realizes he is going to leave a mark.

„Stop that." She tries to sound serious but her huff is laced with a nasal laugh.

He keeps it up, marking her left breast before he licks the swell, trying to soothe the sweet assault on her flesh. Olivia pushes her head up, inspecting the extent of the hickey that glared back at her in a dark red, almost purple color. She wants to be mad because she never understood the absurdity of leaving a hickey but it is in a place no-one but Tom will ever see so she lets it go and simply kisses him. A week and it will no longer be visible. She can deal with that. He moves above her, his chest against hers, solid but warm.

Intently Tom palms Olivia's left breast, her nipple instantly stiffening with the touch. He rolls her nipple between his thumb and forefinger as he exhales roughly against Olivia's mouth. He brings up one knee between her legs and pushes it all he way up against her warm and wet core, feeling her arousal and the proof of his earlier climax moist against his skin.

It astonishes him that he still can't get enough of her. Ever. That although they had made love just five or so minutes ago, he still wants her. He is only semi hard and knows he'll need at least ten or fifteen more minutes but his mind - Jesus, in his mind he's already inside her again.

He trails kisses along the slope of her cheek, her ear and his words muffle into her hair.

„You want this?" Tom's voice is deep. He already knows by the way her body responds to him that she does but he does not want for her body to betray her headspace.

„Yes." The word is a breath, tickling his shoulder and he feels his dick stiffen more against her thigh. His hand leaves her plump breast and slices down her stomach, replacing his knee. His thumb flicks across her clitoris once and she bucks up against him like a bronco as she bites out a groan, still sensitive from her when he had touched her earlier. Tom thrusts a finger deep and rocks it back and forth, then adds a second, feeling her curling around him. It is fascinating how much she responds to his fingers each and every time, the way her hips rock back against him for more contact, riding his hand.

Tom has always liked to pleasure a woman but with his fingers inside Olivia it is a whole new level and deeply satisfying each and every time. He doesn't care if he will get something in return at all, and it proves he used to be a selfish bastard before her. With her however, he is happy to just feel her, to make her come and be done.

There are moments when he thinks this is all he'll ever need. To have two or three fingers deep inside her, feeling her corded walls clenching around him as she makes the sweetest sounds and meets him. Not only is it the biggest turn on to watch her, lips slightly parted, eyes shut, to hear her, it is also the wholly satisfying knowledge that he can do this to her.

He is fucking her leisurely, let's her enjoy this and it's minutes he just watches her go through the stages of her arousal that builds with him and ebbs whenever he wants.

She opens her eyes and looks at him, her irises dark. He watches and smiles at her but she doesn't return it, too focused on what she's feeling. He's completely hard against her warm thigh now and shifts a little to give his hand room and attaches his thumb to the small bundle of nerves, making her gasp with pleasure as he gently rubs it in small circles, ready to push her over the brink. His fingers curl inside her and her reaction is instant as he feels his fingertips hitting the right spot.

„Oh… t-there," she breathes out huskily. „There." He knows and he grins, his cock almost jumping with the tight pull he feels deep in his gut. He moves his fingers faster within her and slides up, onto his knees as he wraps his left hand around himself and squeezes hard as he gives himself a few strokes. He feels her falling, bending one knee as she cries out her release and he knows it's one of the smaller orgasms for her, but still it's something incredibly sexy to him and his balls tingle and tighten as she slowly, delicately rides out the tiny aftershocks against his hand.

„Fuck," he hisses as he falls forward, bracing against the mattress with his hand as he spills his release on her abdomen, almost embarrassed how it had only taken him thirty or so seconds to come.

His breath hits Olivia's neck and she chuckles softly, feeling his warm semen on her stomach.

„Sorry," he apologizes.

„Don't be," she mumbles, inhaling his scent of soap and sweat and sex. Olivia is the first to admit that she's not a huge fan of sperm but she has to admit that this feels like a compliment when Tom has so little self-control. And for the first time she doesn't care that she was ejaculated on, although she usually makes it clear that she isn't into it, wants to avoid it.

His body flattens against hers and he kisses her softly once more before he pulls open the drawer of the nightstand, finding the box of tissues empty.

„Crap," he exhales. „I'm out of tissues."

„Hm," she only says and tips Tom's head to the left, making him look at her.

„S'okay," she says. „Let's just stay like this for a bit."

„Sure?"

„Sure," she agrees and feels him settle back beside her. Lightly and unhurriedly he kisses the corner of Olivia's mouth, breathes her in. She adores the feel of his heartbeat against her and curls further into him as he pulls his mouth back and they settle in a comfortable silence.

„I wanted to ask you something," he rasps after a few minutes of quiet. Her head is nestled in the nook of his neck, her breathing slow and gentle against him.

„Ask away." A smile tugs at her lips.

„Okay." He moves so he manages to wrap his arm around her and paws Olivia's elbow in the new position. „A few of my friends are meeting up once a month for games night. It's usually a lot of fun. I was wondering if you are in the mood to come and meet them."

„Game night?" It is something Olivia has never participated in, well not since College at least. The only games she ever plays are those suitable for a 4-year old.

„Taboo, Running Charades, Reverse Charades - that kind of stuff," Tom clarifies. „It's fun."

„I don't really do that," she says honestly. She never had that luxury. Her friendships usually revolved around her microcosm of work. The little downtime they each had they spent with their families or trying to recharge their batteries to stay sane enough to do this job.

„You don't ever play games?" He buries his nose in his girlfriend's soft hair.

„I play _Soggy Doggy_ and _Don't Break The Ice_ ," she points out.

„Okay. But don't you think it might be something you enjoy? To let loose a little, meet new people. It's easygoing, Olivia. Everybody brings a little something to eat, there will be drinks and games. I promise you'll have a good time."

She can hear by his words that this is important to him, that he wants his friends to meet her finally when his family can't, so she mulls it over. She isn't the type for games, she doesn't have the kind of friendships that Tom obviously has that are about fun and games. But she thinks she can try for him.

„What if I don't?"

„Then that'll be the first and only time we went," he shrugs easily and kisses her head.

„When will that event take place?"

„Next Friday in Jersey."

„You gonna drag me all the way out to Jersey?" She teases, her lips curling up in a smile.

„That a problem?"

„No, not a problem," she says and inhales. „Fine, we'll go. And I'm going to try not to be a kill-joy."

He appreciates that she is willing to go with him and meet his people, but he is not oblivious to the fact she's only doing this for him.

„You don't really wanna go, do you?"

„I wanna go," she says softly. „It's just that…," she sighs softly and pushes herself up enough to be able to look at him. „It's not something I do."

„So it's good to try something new, don't you think? Broaden your horizon, try to enjoy yourself."

„I'm enjoying myself just fine right here," she grins.

„You know, you gotta live a little. I know you have little time and you like to take it easy after work but don't you think you're a little too closed off sometimes?"

„Closed off?" She tenses and he notices.

Something has just gone wrong and Tom tries to explain.

„Look, Olivia. You work hard and your job is… I'm not even going to try and pretend that I know or can imagine what it's like to see what you see every day. And I know you like going out for dinner and then get back here or have the occasional drink with your people from work but… there's so much more out there." He knows that she loves to explore with her son but wishes she would like to do it for herself as well or simply go out with him to places that include a more social setting.

„Is it so wrong for me to want to have a quiet evening with just you after a long week?" She feels offended because he has no idea what it's like for her, what it has been like for her for almost two decades where perps pop up like weeds and there are constantly two to five victims to take care of at a time. She sees the most inhumane things on a daily basis, hears recount after recount of rape and sodomy, domestic violence, child abuse, sexual abuse of a child. There are nights when she can't sleep after particularly rough cases, times when the only reason she doesn't throw up is because she hasn't eaten all day - because how could she when she hears about the darkest crimes one person can do to another? She is not in the mood for stupid games like Charades or Taboo after hearing a gruesome and haunting recount of events from a victim.

„There is nothing wrong with that, I'm all for it, Liv," he says heavily. „But sometimes I'd like to go out. I always had an active social life"

„And I'm taking that from you? We spend one night a week together, Thomas," she huffs. It's the first time she's ever used his full name instead of Tom.

„I did not say you are taking anything from me."

„Then what?" Her dark eyes bore into him as she sits up and pulls the blanket up to cover her chest, trying to shield her body from him. „You are free to go out whenever you want. Go socialize. If you rather wanna go out Fridays instead of spending the night with me…" He interrupts her, sitting up as well as she swings her legs out of bed.

„Hey, hey, when did you hear me say I'd rather not spend my Fridays with you?" This is spinning out of control and fast.

„Somewhere between accusing me of being closed off and me keeping you from having a social life," she spits and gets up, quickly wrapping the blanket around her naked frame, leaving him exposed on his futon. Her clothes are scattered on his bedroom floor, black lace, something special and expensive she only ever wears on days she knows she's meeting Tom. She picks up the panties, then the bra.

„I never… Olivia, what are you doing?"

„I'm going home." She sounds awfully detached as she scoops up her black denim and the beige blouse before she darts towards his bathroom.

He groans and presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, wondering what the hell is happening. „Don't do…" She cuts him off with a slam of the door as he climbs out of bed. He hears the faucet running and knows she gets cleaned up, washing the traces of him off of her abdomen and sex. „Olivia…," he tries but there is no answer so he gently knocks on the bathroom door. „Honey… I didn't…" What? He didn't mean it? He hadn't even said what she accused him of. He rests his head against the cool wood of the door, deciding not to go in and crowd her. „Shit," he mutters underneath his breath and paces to his drawer, slipping on an old Ramones t-shirt and boxers because there sure as hell did not seem to be a reason to stay nude.

….

She drags the washcloth across her belly and between her legs so roughly that her skin responds with instant redness as she hears him talk to her through the closed door. She can't believe that he makes it sound like his lack of social life was somehow her fault. She had never kept him from going out - whatever the hell he was doing before he met her. He had never even asked to do something else or for her to give him some space, for them to meet some other time. Like she's fucking responsible for _his_ decisions.

His knuckles rasp against the bathroom door and Olivia hears him start with an apology but she refuses to listen to it. When she is done she turns off the warm water, towels off and gets dressed. She wouldn't admit it but is petrified, wondering if this is the moment where the inevitable overtakes and everything falls apart.

Somewhere deep within Olivia senses that she might be overreacting, that she twisted his words and got upset over something that is nothing. The irrational side of her however thinks she is right to be pissed. He has no right. No right to judge her when he hasn't walked a single step in her shoes, leave alone lived pretty much a lifetime in them.

It all comes down to the one thing she had known would cause them problems eventually. The age difference. He was younger and still wanted to live and explore and have fun whereas she has long since settled down. She lived for her son and her job, has since forever and there is nothing wrong with her life script. She has made her choices a long time ago and didn't need to be told by Tom to broaden her goddamn horizon socially. Like she is some anti-social idiot. She likes human company as much as the next person, otherwise she wouldn't spend her time with him, would she?

She watches her rigid reflection in the mirror and combs her fingers through her hair before she throws the towel in the small hamper and leaves the bedroom, seeing Tom leaning against the doorframe to the living room.

….

He can see the hurt in her eyes but they also flash with anger. Tom's arms are folded below his chest as he watches her. Olivia's hair is no longer as mussed, she no longer looks like sex.

„Olivia, stay."

„What for? I'm anti-social, remember?" She looks him dead in the eye as he is staring back at her softly in the filtering moonlight.

„I never said that," he reasons calmly. Somewhere down on the streets a dog barks and the wind seems to blow with a force Tom hadn't noticed before.

„Yeah, you did. I'm not a spring chicken like you and your friends and I don't work some 9 to 5 job that allows me to have a busy social life or to even think of regular get-togethers to play fucking Charades. That's not me, Tom. So maybe I'm the old, boring Lady but I deserve my time to wind down."

Her words roll around in his mind and he has no idea where all of this is coming from or why this whole thing is being blown out of proportion. One minute they were talking about her meeting his friends and the next they were fighting and talking at cross purposes.

„Are you actually making this about the age difference? What the hell, Olivia?"

„Well, there is a generation gap," she argues, completely indifferent to how crazy she sounded.

„I'm not fucking twenty!" The niceties are finished, he is over this shit she stirs. „Jesus, Olivia where is this even coming from? I tell you I'd like to go out sometimes and meet my people, or even your people, and you somehow make this about our goddamn age difference?"

„What do you want from me, Tom?" She hisses walking towards him but stops a couple of feet away. „How do you not see that with the age difference there are problems that arise? Like…like this."

„It's a problem for you that maybe once a month I'd like to go out with you and meet friends? That's really too much to ask?"

„I'm not gonna do this." She stares at him incredulously but the truth is that she knows she's in the wrong here. Her hand pushes back an unruly strand of hair as she wants to move past him and after a few moments he snorts.

„You're just going to leave?"

„You gonna tell me that's wrong, too?" Her right brow shoots to the ceiling and she's challenging him. She is being a bitch, she knows it, but she isn't entirely sure she cares.

He takes a step back and exhales into the room that's overflowing with tension. „Yeah, I think it's wrong." His arms cross more tightly as he holds her eye. „I hate that you're running away from this instead of talking it out or listening to me. I think you're being completely irrational and you hear what you want to hear," he tells her as she walks past him and into his living room.

Tom's words sting, mostly because she sees the truth in them. She is being irrational, but she's always had a hard time to admit to it and calm down. With her it has always been instant combustion.

„Just so we're absolutely clear, I want you to stay. And I don't expect you to go out with me all the time but sometimes it would be nice - when you're up for it. In five months this was the first time I was asking. And it's not just about me wanting to hang out with my friends and have fun, it's that I want to hang out with _you_ and my friends, because that's my understanding of a relationship."

He watches her reach the sofa where her handbag rests and she stands unmoving for the moment.

„That's my understanding of building a life together," he clarifies. „To me it's give and take, Olivia. And if you don't want to go then I won't make you. But it can't be wrong for us to spend some time trying out things that may be new for you but might just be fun."

Slowly her head falls forward. Tom's eyes remain trained on her, waiting what her next move is going to be. The room is suddenly quiet until she sighs loudly and rubs her forehead.

„Do you even want that? A life together?"

The ball is in her corner and Olivia's heart is pounding. She closes her eyes and the fight leaves her body. She's just tired. Too damned tired to keep this up and too tired to hurt him just because she can.

„I do." It falls from her lips quietly but he hears her and exhales a breath he hadn't been aware of holding.

„Then why do we do this? I am sorry if I hurt you but I did not mean to criticize you. I just… I want us to do things, 'livia. Don't get me wrong, I love when we go out for dinner and it's just the two of us. Or a lazy evening in front of the TV with pizza. Or simply what it was tonight, I do. But sometimes I want something different with you and I don't think you're going to hate it."

He moves towards her, his footsteps announcing his presence. His fingers come to her shoulders and they sag lightly under Tom's touch as she thinks about his words, thinks about what she had said.

„I'm sorry," she mumbles. She shouldn't have snapped at him, should have let him finish and explain. But when she feels attacked she is someone who bites back. She leans back into his touch and feels his face in her hair.

„Don't leave," he coos. „I didn't see you all week. Tonight is for us. And it's late."

She swallows audibly and nods as his arms sneak around her and fold across her stomach. „Okay," she exhales, feeling how his touch grounds her. All the confidence she had when she bolted towards the living room is gone and she is bare for him. Her hands cover his before she turns and puts her forehead against his shoulder until he whispers her name, his voice raw. She tilts her head up and his hands come up. He puts them on either side of Olivia's face, holds her in place before he touches his lips to hers. „I didn't want to upset you," he assures again, then attaches his lips to her forehead. „I'm sorry."

„I'm sorry, too," she parrots. „I just…"

„Shhh. It's okay. Let's not… it's late. Let's not go there now. We only have a few more hours left and you need to sleep." He is not oblivious to the bags under her eyes and the fissures of time and stress. The cracks and creases from too many cases, too many hours at work, too little time for herself.

„I'm tired," she admits sheepishly.

„I figured," he smiles against her temple. „Get to bed. I'll be there in a few."

„Okay," she agrees, untangling from his embrace.

He watches as she returns to the bedroom before he makes sure the door is locked. From the kitchen he gets a small bottle of water and joins Olivia as she put on one of his t-shirts.

„You know, you can bring some stuff over and keep it here," he tells her. It is surprising that she has never left anything here except a toothbrush. No hairbrush, no body wash, no shampoo. Not even nightwear or a change of underwear.

Olivia looks up, not surprised but still somewhat thrown. „You sure?"

He chuckles and looks at her as if she's insane. „Are you kidding? Of course. You should keep your things here. It makes sense. All this taking that little overnight bag back and forth?" She always sleeps in a shirt of his but brings along her toiletries and a change of clothes.

She keeps her eyes on him, mesmerized. „Okay," she agrees before she slips into bed, her side, the left side.

„So, I'll get a drawer?" She yawns and cuddles up to him, feeling him put a kiss to her forehead.

„You'll get whatever space you want and need." He reaches over and switches off the nightlight, darkness enveloping them. „Now get some sleep."

„Hmhm," she hums and puts an arm across his stomach. „Tohom?"

„Yeah?" He mumbles.

„If I'll keep coming here the bed needs to go," she says with a snort of soft laughter that hits his chin.

„You really hate it that much, don't you?"

„I really do."

….


	47. For The Win

**Author's notes: Guys, I am so sorry that this took me so long and this one is really just a filler but I had it started and didn't want to abandon what I had written although for a few days I was going back in forth, playing with the thought of deleting it and starting over. However, I'm a bit of a monk and I never delete lightheartedly. I've promised this story wouldn't be abandoned but from time to time life forces me to take longer breaks from it. I'm glad to be back - well, for now anyway. The coming year will be quite challenging when I look at my schedule.**

A week later they sit on the train to New Jersey, a muffin tray of Carbonara Nests on Tom's lap that they would bring and he has made. She had barely made it to his place on time because of the workload but was definitely free for the night. Olivia doesn't know how she is supposed to feel about Games Night but senses Tom's excitement over her finally meeting some of his favorite people. On the way to the train station he had told her about the friends she was going to meet. Three couples, two single men. He used to play in a band with two of them and hadn't seen a few of them for about five, six months, so basically the entire time they have been in a relationship.

He knew Johanna, called Jo or JoJo by everyone, from college and she is now teaching Elementary School in Jersey while raising one child of her own with her husband Mike. Cheng is a chef in a Chinese restaurant and Tom had told her she had to try the snacks he'd bring because they were always fantastic. He would be accompanied by his girlfriend Gloria. The names of the others she had already forgotten and hoped for a one-by-one introduction at Johanna's house.

„I was thinking Wollmann Rink," Tom interrupted Olivia's thoughts and made her turn her head inquisitively.

„For what?"

„Ice-skating. Has Noah ever tried? You could take him and I could join you."

„Ice-skating? Really?"

„Yeah. Or maybe one of those indoor play spaces if the weather sucks."

She dreaded nothing more than indoor play spaces because the first and only time they had gone Noah had come down with the gastric flu twenty-four hours later and Olivia was still convinced he had caught it there. Her face screws up because as thrilled as her son would be, she is not.

„Can't we just go for ice-cream or pizza?"

„Look what a Grinch you are," Tom teased, squeezing her hand. „Let's have some fun."

„Those indoor play spaces are a germ factory." She can speak from experience after all.

„Ice-skating then." He beamed at Olivia, trying to coax an agreement from her as he leaned closer. „You know you want it."

His voice is dropping right in her ear, making her skin tingle. _Sonofabitch_. She has had no intention to tell him or anyone that nobody has ever taught her how to. That her mother had never taken her ice-skating and by the time she had been in college she no longer cared to try it out.

„I can't ice-skate," she admits through a gruff whisper and her cheeks burn with the rather embarrassing piece of information.

„So you'll learn. It'll be fun, I promise."

Olivia doesn't see the appeal in falling onto her butt and literally freezing her ass off. Noah would love it for sure, never afraid to get down and dirty or even get hurt. He'd probably master the skates within thirty minutes. She isn't all that sure about herself, though.

„Your excitement over this kind of stuff can be annoying, you know that right?" There is a smirk playing around her lips as she says it.

„Is that a yes for ice-skating?"

„You're insufferable," she adds.

„That I am," he smiles and drops a kiss onto her temple.

Tom's friends are nice and welcoming people his age and Olivia's nervousness about meeting them unfounded. All the new names are a bit of a problem for Olivia but somehow she gets through the first couple of hours okay. The mood is wanton and there is good food (Chen's snacks really are out of this world) and plenty of white wine and beer and the volume and frequency of laughter increases along with rising blood alcohol levels. She notices the difference in intoxicated Tom and finds it funny and adorable. His words come out a little slurred and although he's not a shy or quiet person in general, he's much more chatty when drunk. He drinks beer and wine and Olivia's sure he's going to regret mixing the two in the morning. She herself sticks to white wine along with the other women and paces herself with the drinks. The last thing she wants is to make a bad impression.

They all decide on a pause before the next game - Running Charades, which Barbara, a 35-year old teacher Tom knows from work and that Olivia has seen walk the hallways of Noah's school a couple of times, claims is the most fun when everyone's drunk. Barbara explained the game to Olivia earlier and from what she understood it's basically charades in three teams and each team has one person to guess the answer downstairs - in this case in Johanna's kitchen, and one person upstairs in the guest room as well as one person who starts by running between the two as long as it would take for one of them to guess correctly - in that case the person who made the right guess ran off. The goal was to have the most correct guesses in fifteen minutes and since the other teams played at the same time it was not only a race against the clock but an actual physical race against the other teams at times.

As another bottle of wine is emptied Johanna gets up and starts garnering several beer and wine bottles from the living room table and Olivia decides to help, following the other woman to the kitchen where she grabs a couple of chilled bottles from the fridge.

„Thanks," the other brunette smiles at Olivia. „How is it for you? I hope you're having at least a little fun."

Olivia can't say that she isn't enjoying her night. Everyone has been very warm and welcoming and talked to her free of noticeable inhibitions or jaundices. But all in all the experience is out of this world for her. She doesn't do nights of drinking at somebodies home or hours of gaming. It has been fun until now but it also feels like a life that doesn't fit Olivia, a life she would have to grow into. She couldn't ask Tom to give it up but asking him to always go alone in the future doesn't seem right either because it would send the wrong message. „I am. It's… not something I usually do, I never had all that much of a social life which probably comes with the job."

„So, being NYPD translates to having no life?" Johanna sounds casual as she uncorks the wine, popping a grape in her mouth in between.

Olivia chuckles because the truth is that ‚having no life' had been her choice. She has never had a very active social life after her college days. „No, it doesn't. Truth is… I focused on the job. Maybe too much at times," she admits. „I haven't engaged in something like this in… God - three decades," Olivia laughs.

„Then this must feel like a culture shock to you," Johanna jokes. She herself couldn't imagine her life without her big social circles.

„A little," Olivia nods. „But it's good. I'm… I'm enjoying myself."

„That's great because you're always welcome here. And Tom likes parading you," she laughs. „We all wondered what kind of Wonder Woman you must be."

„I'm hardly Wonder Woman," Olivia snorts.

„You know what's funny? I imagined you to be… totally different. I can't even say in what ways but you-," she gestures at Olivia from head to toe. „Are not what I expected." Johanna sees Olivia's face change from relaxed to tight and insecure. „But in a good way," she adds quickly. „Tom's just so lively and can be super impulsive and you aren't like his ex who was a lot like him character wise - I guess I figured you'd be more…extrovert, more spunky. And what's funny is that I have a feeling you are such a good fit for him because he's almost more… grounded. Not that he wasn't grounded before- sorry, I'm drunk," Johanna laughs. „I'm usually a little more eloquent than that. He was always an upright, down to earth guy but on the inside - he's more balanced. Mike already mentioned that but it's interesting to see for myself."

„O-kay…," Olivia says slowly. „Obviously I didn't know him before so…"

„Have you met his sister?"

„Rebecca. Yes."

„Well, then that's a good comparison. He used to be a lot more like his sister."

„Really?"

„Yeah, really," Johanna laughs.

„You know her?"

„I do, Tom's brought her a few times over the years and Mike has known her for longer than that."

„Sounds like a tight-knit group."

„Yeah, it's… it's interesting dynamics and constellations how we met in some cases," Johanna smiles, leaning against the fridge. „I heard you met Barbara before."

„Well, not really. I've seen her at school a few times but I never talked to her before tonight nor did Tom tell me that she'd be here or that they are friends."

„They aren't super close, Tom's closer to Ed and probably only because they share the musical interest. Ed plays several instruments so they have that in common," she explains. „Tom's friendly with Barbara but if they didn't happen to share Ed and Mike as friends they wouldn't hang out," she says and then pauses briefly. „I think." Ed was Barbara's husband.

Conversation and laughter from the living room filters to the kitchen as the two women talk until they are interrupted by the demand of more alcohol.

„Coming-," Johanna calls out. „Hey, could you grab a few beers from the fridge?"

„Sure." Olivia walks over and helps with the supply of more chilled beverages, then sits back down next to Tom who's eyes are glassy and his lips tucked up. He is obviously enjoying himself alright not least because of the drinks. His arm slips around her waist and pulls her closer and his breath is all alcohol as he kisses her cheek. His fingertips gently dig into the skin of her hips and it feels reassuring and safe.

More wine is poured and beer caps are twisted off until a little while later they start making new teams for _Running Charades_. When Olivia is chosen to pick and naturally instantly looks at Tom everyone starts warning her and it's a riot.

„You don't want him on your team."

„Yeah, he's such a sore loser when it comes to running charades."

„I don't lose," Tom tells her with boasting confidence.

„Oh he does lose," Mike laughs. „And he pushes you when it's your turn and you're not running before you even gave the right answer."

„Plus he's a terrible actor," Chen adds.

„Right. Remember ‚Frozen'?" Ed laughs.

„Frozen?" Olivia asks in confusion, lacking the information on past games.

„His card read ‚Frozen' and no matter what he tried, Johanna couldn't make the right guess and he got so pissed off," Ed explains. „Instead of taking the next card he just worked himself up more and more and his team actually DID lose-,"

„For the very first time I might add," Tom interrupts. „Which proves that JoJo has drawn a total blank-,"

„It only took Barbara _one single_ stomp of her foot and outstretched arms for Jo to know it's _Frozen._ "

„Because they've both seen the goddamn movie," he argues and Olivia chuckles, amused because it instantly riles him up again, although it's months in the past.

„In that case I'll go with Johanna," Olivia smiles, seeing him feigning hurt.

„You've just sealed your fate, Olivia Benson. You'll belong to the losers. Let me spell it out for you L-O-S-,"

„Yeah, yeah, shut it Elsa," Johanna says with confidence and lightly shoves him. „You'll cry once we're done with you."

As it turned out nobody wanted Tom on their team and he was the last to be _chosen_. And Olivia soon realized why. He was way too into it, almost yelled at his team mates when they weren't fast enough in his opinion and had no problem to push and scramble or even block the way for a second in order to be first when he raced against someone. During the other games he wasn't the most patient or quiet loser but he wasn't bitter about it either. In this he was downright despicable - but at least it was just a game and not one of his usual character traits. It simply is… a flaw, she decided. That he is a sore loser in games where speed of action is important. Apart from that the game is a rush and everyone a little emotional. Mostly however it is a fun game. At least until Tom's team wins and he boasts about it for the rest of the night.

They leave around two in the morning with Tom quite intoxicated. On the subway he looks at her and his eyes are swimming with alcohol and the good time he's had with his friends. His head buzzes with too much beer and wine as he grins. „So, did you have fun?"

„Not as much as you, I think," she laughs. „You had a little much to drink, don't you think?"

„Nonsense. I'm the perfect amount of tipsy."

„Tipsy," she repeats. „Alright then." She remembers the fight they had gotten into over this night and all of a sudden it feels even more ridiculous. Olivia has had a good time. A great time. Of course she hadn't known anybody but Tom but she'd been welcomed with open arms, there had been no strange remarks and conversation had mostly been easy. She never had much of a social life - at least nothing close to what Tom has but she has learned one thing - she could enjoy herself. She could engage in different games and drink with a group of people and have fun. She could leave the job behind for a few hours. And most importantly, repeating it didn't seem like a bad idea at all. „You really have a mean streak when it comes to Running Charades, did you know that?"

He merely grins and grasps for Olivia's hand. „I think I've held myself back tonight."

„If that's you holding back I really don't want to see you when you're at it at full force," she teases.

„But I won."

„Your _team_ won."

„Same difference."

Olivia snorts and shakes her head. „How's your toe?" He had stubbed it pretty bad as he raced up the stairs. They had put ice on it when they noticed the swelling and discoloration.

„Yeah, I definitely feel that still."

„It's probably fractured. You should go see a Doctor tomorrow."

„We'll see about that."

„You're such a tough guy, huh?"

„I'm a manly man."

She laughs fully and they are almost alone in their compartment so Olivia doesn't try to hold back. „You were quite whiney for a manly man."

„Only after I've won."

„Of course. Because what's more important than winning, right?"

„Exactly," he beams but gets more serious after a moment. „They loved you, you know that?"

„You think?" She tries to laugh the insecurity away but it sticks to her like it always has.

„I know. They all said it at one point or another tonight. And I will have to agree. You are pretty great."

„You are pretty drunk," she repeats.

„Yeah, but who the hell cares?"


	48. Drunk

When he wakes his head throbs. In fact his head doesn't just throb, it feels like there's a woodpecker doing a pretty fine job, hammering away mercilessly.

 _Tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock-tock. TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK._

„The hell," he groans, throwing his left arm across the upper half of his face to shield his eyes from the morning light that feels way too intrusive. The pieces fall into place within seconds although his brain feels too slow to catch up entirely. All he knows is that he has a hangover from hell.

„Morning." The voice is too shipper for Tom's liking and a few memories attack him at once. Party. Beer. Running Charades.

 _Running Charades._ Instantly his brain sends signals of pain and his toe hurts. Well, _everything_ hurts.

„What've I done?" His own voice is deep and rough, nothing like Olivia's seemingly amused sing-song.

„Told you to stick to beer and not start with the wine," she chuckles softly, rubbing his chest lovingly. „I've made you breakfast. Toast and eggs with an aspirin for a side. How's that sound?"

Aspirin sounds pretty damned good to him. Tom wonders if it will do if he opens his mouth so Olivia can put the pill on his tongue and pour some water on top. Instead he slowly moves his arm and opens his eyes briefly, then blinks away until he gets used to the brightness of day.

„Hey there," Olivia greets and watches his eyelids flutter. „You look like hell." She is torn between feeling sorry and complacent, she had warned him time and time again after all. After his switch from Budweiser to Riesling she had seen the hangover coming from miles away.

„I feel like it," he mumbles.

„You smell even worse."

„Hmph."

„You're half brewery and half catamount." She wishes she could say she is kidding but the room has a terrible stench that makes her want to tear open the window. When Olivia had woken a couple of hours ago she had taken her heels, closed the door and not gone in since. Well, at least until she had heard a string of almost inaudible moans and groans filter through the door and decided to go in and be chipper and pushy.

„That's offensive," Tom manages as he tries to make his body comply, sitting up on the futon that Olivia hates.

„The smell in this room is offensive. Come on, get up. Shower, eat. You'll feel better." If he didn't have a headache strong enough to make his head feel like it is going to explode he'd laugh and tease her that she sounded exactly like his mother. He remembers his and Rebecca's first major hangover at age seventeen after a night of underage drinking and cheap liquor that they and their friends had stolen from their parents liquor cabinets hoping the adults would never be any wiser. Although pissed, his mother had still been talking to him firmly but also compassionately. He figures the comparison won't appeal to Olivia much. He keeps his mouth shut.

„I'll be up. Just… give me a minute."

„I'll open the window."

„A minute." It's a plea because she's already walking towards the window.

„I won't make it through another minute, Tom." She's already over and opens the bedroom window, sucking in a long breath of fresh, cool morning air as it hits her face like a brick wall of what might as well be heaven. _Finally._

The temperature of the room cools down considerably within seconds, leaving Tom to shiver. His chest is bare and the pair of tight boxers isn't offering any warmth. Instinctively he reaches for the blanket but realizes he must have slept without as he is lying on top of it.

A few more memories come back to him. How his state of drunk has gotten worse as they got off the subway. How they somehow stumbled upstairs - or well, he did. Olivia had been perfectly fine on her own. How he had kissed her and clothes had fallen.

„We had drunk sex-," he states tiredly but the cold January air that now spreads in the entire room makes his reactions much quicker as he dives for a sweatshirt. He hears his girlfriend chuckle and isn't sure what's so funny.

„ _You tried_ to have drunk sex." It has been nothing but a disaster. For one he had lost his ability to kiss properly that plastered. Tom's tongue had been all over the place and there had been too much saliva in all the wrong places. Olivia is pretty sure it had been pooling and dripping off her chin - no exaggeration. He had fumbled and she had lovingly tried to convince him it probably wasn't a good idea, although generally she hadn't been reluctant. She had been buzzed enough to be in the mood. Tom on the other hand had been completely wasted to the point he no longer knew what the hell he was doing and it had been a blessing when his dick hadn't complied with his mind and Olivia had been spared to be the one to turn him down because terrible sex with her otherwise great boyfriend was not on her agenda. Neither was letting him get that drunk again anytime soon.

„Ugh. Okay then… that sounds… did I fall asleep?" He honestly can't remember, too much is a blur in this jigsaw puzzle that is last night.

„Fall asleep, yeah… something like that," Olivia offers and grabs a pair of sweatpants from the dresser, holding it out to him with a smile.

„I feel like shit."

„You should," she laughs and sees him flinch at the noise she makes. „Do these nights always end like this?"

„Hell no," he says. „I don't know… just had a really good time I guess. I didn't think I'd be this hungover." Tom slips into the dark blue sweats and makes his way towards the living room. He spots a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast as well as aspirin and a glass of water on his coffee table. It looks and smells like the best thing ever. „You're a Godsend, Olivia."

„Shower first. Please. Otherwise I have to change my mind about staying."

„That bad, huh?"

„As I said - half brewery, half catamount. And I'm not even kidding." Her face is dead serious and he looks back at her sheepishly.

„Sorry," he offers candidly before he chugs the pain killer with plenty of water and darts off towards the bedroom.

The shower is nothing short of reviving, making Tom spend a good fifteen minutes under the spray of hot water before he even attempts to wash his hair. The easy drum of water hitting the shower stall drones like a calming song. More and more memories resurface and set a scene for Tom. Somehow he has a feeling that he has fully embarrassed himself in front of Olivia last night. About his friends he doesn't care, most of the people that had been there last night had seen him drunk at some point in the past. But Olivia? There had been no need for her to see that side of him anytime soon. At least he hadn't been a complete ass, otherwise she surely would have gone home by now. But his drunk ass hadn't painted a pretty picture. For one he had teased her mercilessly for not picking him for her team, had held it over her head pretty much the rest of the night that he had won and had told her so from the start, too. Arrogance didn't look good on anybody. The whole thing could only be topped by his lame attempt to seduce her. The operating words being lame and attempt. Yes, alcohol had always made Tom somewhat horny but Jesus, he had barely made it up his staircase on his own, what on earth had given him the idea he'd be able to get it up and the job done? Not that sleeping with Olivia is anything like a job. Hell, no. It would only serve him right if Olivia teased him about all that today, point out how much of an idiot he had been last night.

What bothers him most however is that he is not that kind of guy. The one who gets drunk - maybe because he's having a little too much fun, maybe because deep down he's nervous because his girlfriend of six months finally meets a few close friends of his. He is _not_ that guy and he does not want Olivia to think he is. He enjoys a drink or two as much as the regular person, as much as Olivia even who usually has a glass of something when they go out or even spend an evening on the couch. Usually wine, sometimes something stronger. But he does not usually get wasted for no good reason.

The water starts to cool off. The remnants of alcohol still burn in Tom's stomach. He hates being hungover. Seriously hates it. Like… he'd rather have a root canal. Five root canals if need be - if that would make him feel better. But the last thing he gets to do is complain in front of Olivia now. He will simply have to suck it up and deal with what he deserves as a consequence.

A two-minute treatment with the toothbrush, a tee and sweats later he's back in his living room where Olivia sits on the couch Indian style, cradling a mug of steaming coffee in both hands. The food is still untouched and thank God, because his stomach is growling at the sight of bacon and eggs. The smell of grease is in the air, making Tom's mouth water.

„Thanks for this." He plops down on the couch next to the brunette who slowly blows on her coffee.

„No problem, I figured you might be hungry. Aspirin kick in yet?"

„Hardly," he grunts and picks up his fork, digging into the soft concoction made off eggs, onion, bell peppers and mushrooms. He shoves a forkful into his mouth and leans back, picking up the plate as he chews. The eggs are taste like a piece of heaven. Cold, but his empty stomach doesn't give a damn as long as it gets filled.

…

Thirty minutes later the heavy hammering has turned into dull pounding - uncomfortable but doable - considering. Olivia had wanted to do the dishes but Tom hadn't let her so now they are in his too small kitchen. He still hasn't started and she tries not to be too bothered with it.

„I'm sorry about last night," he says, leaning against the counter.

„About what exactly?"

„Drinking. Well, drinking too much. Behaving like an idiot. Take your pick."

Olivia shakes her head and chuckles. He has certainly had too much to drink and there has been idiotic behavior on display. But. Olivia has seen much worse. So she got a glance at drunk Tom. It wasn't that big of a deal. In part it had even been adorable to watch it all unfold. „Don't worry about it. We've all been there."

„Yeah?"

„Hm," she nods and crosses her arms. She herself has been drunk countless times. Granted, she drinks responsibly by now but in her first years at SVU there had been cases that made her run to the next best bar and she did not stop drinking before she was perfectly numb. She isn't proud of those binges but she also knows that she wouldn't have survived the unit without them. „Been a while tho."

One should think that growing up with an alcoholic as a mother has turned Olivia Benson into a person that detests alcohol. But she never did. She loves a good drink like the next person. She has partied in the past and partied hard. She has drowned herself in liquor when relationships had ended. She has fallen deep into a bottle after particularly rough cases and her ex-partner had picked her drunk ass up at some bar in the middle of the night more times than Olivia would like to admit to anyone - even herself. In the past decade she even had her moments. Moments when she knew she should not reach for the bottle of wine in the evening or pour a second, third, even a fourth glass. Times when that inner voice had whispered about a disposition towards addiction, towards alcoholism and she had drowned the words out with one more drink. Times when even Tucker had told her to take it easy because Lord knew she used alcohol to de-stress or to reward herself. She may not be anything like her mother. She may not be an alcoholic. But Olivia's relationship with alcohol had never been the healthiest and once or twice in her life Olivia's come closer to becoming something like her mother than she should have.

„Well, I'm not going to drink again anytime soon. Not like this anyway." And certainly not when she's around to clean up after him and cater to his hungover needs. While he had been in the shower Olivia had picked up last night's clothes off of the bedroom floor, aired all rooms, put clean sheets on the bed. „You didn't have to clean up here, you know?"

„I know I didn't have to but I couldn't just sit around either," she explains. It hasn't been a big deal. She had picked up the clothes, cleaned up a little - not that it was ever particularly messy.

„Yeah, still." It makes him feel oddly embarrassed and again the comparison to his Mom is obvious to him and Olivia is not anything like his mother. Hell, he _sleeps_ with Olivia.

With Sarah this sort of connection has never been made. Sarah usually got pissed if he had too much to drink, unless they both had gotten wasted - somehow that seemed to make all the difference for his ex. It shouldn't surprise him. Sarah and Olivia couldn't be any more different. They aren't even on the same spectrum.

„As I said - don't worry about it. It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't even much," she smiles and peels her phone out of her pocket.

„Gotta go?"

„Erm… soonish, yeah," she agrees. It is 10:30 AM when usually she leaves around nine. Lucy had offered to stay longer.

„Okay. Do I see you soon? Lunch at the diner on Monday?"

She smiles and already nods her head yes by default when her mind runs in a different direction entirely. „Think you'll be fit by tomorrow?" She is tired of playing pretend and tired of pushing him meeting Noah away into the future. They are solid. For the first time she is actually positive that a relationship has the potential to last so Tom should meet her son, they should start to do things together.

„Sure, you thinking dinner?"

„I believe you wanted to go ice-skating," she offers with a casual shrug. Olivia no longer wants it to be a big deal but something natural, something that was going to happen all along. „Think you've sobered up by then?"

…

The headache pounds in synch with his heartbeat this time around.

Tock-tock. Tock-tock. Tock-tock.

For all the time they have been mulling over this, even semi-fighting over it, this now comes out of the blue. Sure, they have clearly decided on New Year's that Tom would meet Olivia's son soon. That they'd only have to think of when and how and where it should happen. Between all of the baby steps this relationship has suddenly become a freaking rollercoaster. Not that Tom is bothered by it. Hell no.

He is bothered by many things. By his pounding headache that refuses to go away. By the fact that he has gotten drunk to start with. It bothers him that from time to time he still thinks of Sarah, that he compares Olivia to Sarah - to the woman who in hindsight had so many shortcomings that have made their relationship more complicated. He sees now that it wasn't just the not fucking they had done and the fucking she had done with that other guy that had been the biggest issue. Maybe they had been too alike, maybe they had been too different.

It bothers him that because of what he shares with Olivia, everything he sees in Olivia and finds within himself since he's been with Olivia, everything he ever had with Sarah looks tainted. Feels wrong. Even what he considered the good times. The crazy feeling of a first _real_ love. Being attached by hip and the heart. Too much sex in too many places. When it had been good it had been great. But it had cooled off much quicker than he had ever realized until now. And maybe - maybe if he hadn't fought that hard, they would have fallen apart after a short whirlwind romance. Instead he had held on for dear life and Sarah had eventually screwed him over and screwed him out of what he once believed was cloud nine.

 _Tock-tock._

„Yeah. Yeah, I'll be sobered up by then for sure. You sure?"

„Do I look unsure?" Granted, she would feel a little insecure about it until the moment Noah and Tom finally meet and then some but all in all she feels good about it. Noah likes his teacher and Tom likes Noah. What could possibly go wrong?

„So tomorrow?"

„Tomorrow. After lunch?"

„Or we could do lunch together? Go for pizza or spaghetti?"

„Make it McDonald's and Noah'll be a fan," she teases. She herself hates McDonald's but what was she to do? Her child loves himself a Happy Meal from time to time. And from time to time Olivia allows herself to be an over-worked parent who stops by the closest fast-food restaurant for crappy food and a milkshake to go.

„McDonald's it is. Do I pick you up?" Olivia considers this but the truth is, she has no idea yet how to bring meeting Tom up with her son. The idea of simply meeting him at the restaurant and taking it from there is more appealing.

„We could meet there. Make it seem like an unplanned meeting, see how it all goes in an extracurricular setting." There is little confidence in her suggestion and Tom smiles and steps closers, rubbing his thumb over her hipbone.

„You're scared shitless of telling him about us, aren't you?" His voice is still more gruff than usual from his alcohol binge but he is clearly teasing her.

„It's a first," she shrugs, disarmed. Yes, it is scary to think Noah might not be fond of her relationship with his teacher. He's only four - almost five - years old but her son sure is opinionated and stubborn. He could give the Stabler clan a run for their money at times. With Tucker things have been so easy. Noah had hardly been three years old at the time and one day she had simply brought Ed home and the two of them had hit it off. This time it feels all the power is in Noah's hands.

„Anything I can do to make you feel better about it? I mean, McDonald's is a mean weapon, you gotta admit."

„Yeah, but I also have a smart and observant kid."

„There's always ToysRus," he jokes.

„I wouldn't even put that past you," she laughs and lightly pushes him but then lets her fingers curl around the thin material of his sweatshirt, the fabric smooth against her skin as she pulls him closer by his shirt and attaches herself to him. Olivia places a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth and the remnants of mint toothpaste get soaked up as she inhales and tastes him.

„I wouldn't either. The end justifies the means," he chuckles against her cheek and whatever the hell leaves that beautiful scent on her is addictive as ever. Its downright overpowering in the morning and still lingers in the dead of night.

„I gotta go. You should maybe sleep that hangover off." She rubs her finger over his chin and moves in for another kiss. „You got some more aspirin or tylenol somewhere?" There might be some in the mirror cabinet in the bathroom where he kept his razor, band-aid, condoms and whatnot.

„I think so but I shall be alright. Waking up was the hardest part. I'm good now."

„Then you're a lucky bastard," she grins.

He can't argue with that. He is in fact a very lucky bastard for various reasons and they have nothing to do with his hangover.

…


	49. Not Sorry

**A/N: One more before we finally get there. I felt it was time to bring Carrie back and we'll definitely see more of her in the future - not right away but soon enough. Thanks for the incredible feedback. You guys are awesome. And thank you for the continuous support although I sometimes vanish for months at a time.**

 **...**

That night in bed Olivia tosses and turns. No matter how hard she tries to close her eyes, relax and convince her shabby little mind to allow her some sleep, sleep does not come. It's nerves. And it's nauseating.

There are a hundred ways this whole thing can go wrong. And by God, Olivia does not want anything to go wrong. For as much as she has thought with time everything would get easier, she realizes now that she's been kidding herself. Noah and Tom meeting outside of school was never going to be _easy_. And as innocent as they are planning to make it look, the truth is that relatively soon Noah would either see through his mother's bullshit or she'd come around and tell him the truth, give him a crappy speech about how Tom is not just a _friend-friend_ but a very special friend - that he's her boyfriend.

They had this sort of conversation once, shortly after Noah had turned four. Olivia remembers like it was yesterday when her son had brought up the question of all questions.

 _Where's my Daddy?_

Olivia had always been forthcoming and truthful about her son's origin. That he was born to another mother and father but that they were no longer around. To be fair, she had always focused on Ellie more than on the piss poor excuse of a father that Johnny D. was.

She isn't too heartbroken that Johnny Drake is six feet underground. In fact she sleeps a little better at night knowing the son of a bitch was never going to be responsible for another person's death. So when her son had asked where is daddy was, it had thrown Olivia for a loop and she had needed to elaborate and dig a little deeper and not come around and explain how his father was a really bad man who's either been insane or suicidal when he grabbed a gun and shot his way out of a court room and was subsequently taken out. And when Noah realized that his father would never be in the picture he had started to ask if he could have an other Dad, just like Olivia was an other Mom to him. It stung. Because Olivia would have loved to tell her son that yes, of course she would make sure he'd get to grow up with a father figure or maybe even someone who'd raise him like his own. But she couldn't. And a year ago Olivia hadn't been very comfortable that she'd ever be able to make it work with anyone in the long haul. So, instead she had told Noah she was going to try but that she couldn't promise anything and upon his request to know _why_ she had eventually found herself at a loss.

There had been no way for her to explain to a four-year old child that she had a set of issues. Trust issues, commitment issues, issues to allow herself some happiness even. And Jesus, that were just those on the surface that didn't include her fear of opening up to someone else about how screwed up and traumatized Lewis had left her. How scared she was to open herself up to someone completely, period. In the end she had awkwardly smiled the question away and successfully redirected her son's focus by tickling him and suggesting they'd watch a movie over a gigantic bowl of ice-cream, cookie-dough, his favorite. The boy could eat his weight in Ben & Jerries.

Ten or elven months later here she is. With a boyfriend who knows about her son, who _knows_ her son. A boyfriend that is about to meet her son at a McDonald and subsequently take them ice-skating.

Olivia knows Tom is good with kids. She knows he adores children in general, that he teaches with a passion, that he doesn't see them as little robots that should bend at their parents command but are in the world to challenge them. Tom Tetley is the kind of person who truly believed that children were not only the future, but that they make the present so much better, much more bearable. He is the kind of person parents trust their children with.

And despite all that Olivia is worrying herself out of sleep, out of rest and out of peace of mind. Because this is so much bigger. This is about her future, about her son's future and even Tom's future. It isn't just about Noah meeting her boyfriend of six months and hopefully accepting the man by Olivia's side. Quite the opposite. They laid the groundwork for… something. Something more, something that neither Olivia or Tom could foresee at this point.

And that something could possibly be a break-up sometime in the future. Maybe in a few months from now. Maybe in a couple of years.

Olivia may have allowed herself to open up - well, kind of. She may have let herself get to know Tom, trust him, fall for him. She may have allowed herself to finally truly _feel._ She also knows that love can be very ephemeral. That relationships end, hearts break. That sometimes giving your best simply isn't good enough to make it work with someone else in the long run. And that is the truly scary part. The nauseating part.

To imagine that Tom and Noah could grow close, that the man would invest in her child and for Noah to need Tom only for it all to fall apart is crippling. To imagine that life could take something from her son yet again, when he had already lost so much, no matter if he never knew his biological parents -.

Olivia's stomach churns violently. She realizes that she has to stop obsessing about tomorrow. There no longer is an option. It is not fight or flight this time. No way is she going to tell Tom that she has changed her mind because she's a) a coward and b) is imagining every scenario of their relationship turning sour. _No fucking way._

Sighing, she presses her eyes shut and pushes the heels of her hands into her orbits until she sees tiny, white dots dancing in front of the curtain of her eyelids. She has to stop. Period.

Only it proves a lot harder than Olivia has anticipated. Her mind doesn't listen, doesn't just shut off on her command. Instead she decided she should focus on what she knows.

Number one - Tom is a good guy. God, he is such a good guy.

Number two - He is an honorable person.

Number three - It's been six months. Six good months. Six months in which Olivia has smiled more and felt more energized. Six months of many insecurities that she's overcome for the most part.

Number four - They are solid. This relationship is solid. They know each other on more than just a basic level by now.

Number five - She doesn't want this to end.

Number six - She is in love.

She is no longer sure when exactly she has realized this but she damned well knew for sure when she had opened his Christmas gift, the Cabbage Patch Doll that had now found a home in her bedroom. It is still in its box and probably would always be, but Olivia loved to wake up to it sitting there on her dresser as a reminder of …

Of what? Tom? A miserable Christmas decades ago when she had gotten an Easy Bake Oven instead of the desired doll? A reminder of her sometimes very fucked up childhood?

She smiles then.

 _It reminds me that wishes do come true._

It's corny and yet it is true. It may have taken decades but her Christmas wish had eventually come true and it had come true because of Tom.

Tom who is such a good listener, who has not only a handsome but also an adorable smile with deep dimples that she misses seeing ever since he's grown that beard out.

Olivia releases a heavy sigh and opens her eyes again and wrinkles her nose.

„Enough of this," she mutters to herself and sits up. She needs to finds her confidence and soon, or else she wouldn't get a single moment of sleep tonight and if she needs one thing, desperately, it is sleep. It's always rare and she usually only gets five hours in. And often those five hours come with interruptions. Not even through nightmares, although she does still have them regularly. Mostly her body is woken in a sweat by what Lindstroem says is likely her subconscious. Before a nightmare forms her body shrieks to a halt. It's self-preservation. Unfortunately Olivia can't simply go back to sleep those nights. She often lies awake, tries to calm herself down, because when she wakes up, it's always like she is about to suffocate. It feels like she can't breathe. It also doesn't help when the sheets and her nightwear is drenched in cold, sticky sweat that smells of fear and panic.

She smiles then and it intensifies until her face is split in half with what she is certain must be a stupid grin. She sleeps better when she's with Tom. She usually sleeps through the night. She has never woken up in a cold sweat when she is sleeping in his bed, when her limbs are all tangled up around him and his smell surrounds her, seeps into her skin. She has never had one of her nightmares that trigger insomnia for the rest of the night when with him.

For the first time she realizes that he's more. That there is more to Tom than the fact he's her boyfriend and that they work quite well together. That she's stupidly in love with him.

He makes her feel safe. Protected. With him she is not as haunted by Lewis and PTSD that will likely stay with her for the rest of her life. There still are good days and bad days and days that are just… normal days. There is the occasional case that triggers the trauma big time and there are dates that will always stand out in the calendar. The day the sick bastard has kidnapped her for example. Those days spent in court. The day of his sentencing and the day he had escaped from prison.

The day he died.

All the days he made little pieces of her die.

Tom won't ever shake Lewis or the PTSD off for her. But somehow he has the power to make her a little bit better, a little bit more confident. And shouldn't she try and give that back? Have confidence in him? In _them_? She should be confident about their future. They have taken baby steps in the past and now here they are - taking strides. And strides, Olivia assures herself, are good. Strides are appropriate at this point in their relationship.

There are no guarantees. She has known this before. And maybe it will all go wrong. Or maybe it won't. Maybe, after all the stress and worrying, after the lack of confidence and baby steps, after the fear it will all be right. Maybe Tom is that concept she has always hoped to find but never truly believed in for herself.

 _The one_.

 _Mr. Right_ instead of just _Mr. Right now._

Olivia will simply have to woman up and stop living in the past, holding on to all she'd ever known. What she needs to do, she tells herself, is be done with loss and heartbreak and looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong people. Tom is different. He has always been different and however scary different has been from the start Olivia has to finally face that different is good for them. Different is perfect in their case.

Tom is going to meet Noah tomorrow and everything will go over just fine. It will work out perfectly. Because there really is no reason why it shouldn't.

….

Eventually Olivia has gotten two and a half hours of sleep which, she figures, is better than none at all but she is weary and her bodily functions leave a lot to be desired at seven in the morning. Fixing Noah a bowl of cereal on a Sunday morning has never been this… hard. Yawning and on autopilot she puts the breakfast in front of her son who digs in instantly and shovels a big spoonful into his mouth, trickles of milk running down his chin and dripping into his pajama clad lap. Olivia thinks she should probably act like a mother and tell him to eat slowly and not get his breakfast all over himself and the kitchen floor but even that proves to be too much for her to bother.

She starts the coffee machine, cleans up after her kid a moment later who runs to the couch and fumbles with the remote.

„Mom, it's not working." He howls like a wolf cub.

„Uh-huh. Try again." Please, please try again and just succeed.

She glances over and sees her kid, tongue caught between his teeth and sticking out as he's concentrating hard. Again he howls. „Mo-ooom. It isn't working."

„Do you have the right remote?" She does not want to move but knows she will have to. The remote has been acting up for a while, probably the batteries, Olivia thinks.

„Ye-hes. Mommy, can you come help me, please?" She wonders when it has started that everything he wants is accompanied by this whiney little voice, like the world is going to go down any second if his mother is not helping before the problem has even occurred. Olivia loves her son but this trait he's showing as of late makes her think she's going to go crazy and soon.

Her phone starts to chirp from where she put it, somewhere by the coffee machine and groaning she closes her eyes and prays it's not work related.

„Please don't let it be work. Please don't let it be-," she mutters her mantra as she makes her way over as her son groans while he slams his index-finger on the red button of the remote. Her fuzzy brain assembles the letters of the name flashing on her phone.

„Hey Carr," she greets with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

„Hey homegirl," the quirky blonde greets and Olivia tries to find reasons why someone could possibly in such a chipper mood at -what time is it even? - on a Sunday fucking morning. She makes a sound that sounds like a grunt before bracing herself to push a greeting in return past her lips.

„Morning."

„Ah, someone's in a pissy mood, huh?" Carrie teases and Olivia is too tired to roll her eyes all the way back in her head. „Couldn't sleep, right?"

After almost three decades and a different life in a different city Carrie still knows her better than anyone and for a second it lifts her spirits.

„How'd you know?"

„Well, if Mr. Sexy Specks meeting the baby isn't a dead giveaway-„

„He's not a baby and-„

„Momma, I wanna watch. Now-," the cub howls once more, this time really putting his poor soul into it.

Point taken. Very well.

„Okay, he _is_ a baby-," she growls and this time goes through the effort of rolling her eyes. „You were saying?" She sandwiches the phone between ear and left shoulder and starts rummaging through one of the drawers in search of batteries as a storm is brewing that sure enough is to bring along a temper tantrum.

„Your Whatsapp status said _online_ at pretty much all hours of the night," Carrie admitted. „Figured you'd be driving yourself crazy."

Bliss materialized in form of a box of batteries.

„And you know that how?" If she was going to tell Olivia she had a sleepless night as well and still was in such a good mood she will flip. Or ask for the happy pills responsible. The woman was a psychiatrist after all, she knew how to get her hands on the good stuff. The cub stopped howling as mama wolf made her way over. Tantrum avoided.

A wailing sound pierces Olivia's ear although its fake as clear as day. „My first baby spent a night at a pool party."

„It's January. What the hell are the kids thinking? They really do pool parties in winter?" She has seen a hell of a lot while on duty but this is new.

„Indoors. I lost a bet to him which resulted in a 3 AM curfew so momma bear was up all night, too. Funny thing - nerves, right?"

„Hmph," Olivia agreed. The cub is now happily stretching out on the couch, zapping through the channels until he settles on a cartoon that satisfies his cravings. She grabs a mug on her way back and pours herself steaming, black coffee, extra strong. Carefully she blows into the blue ceramic mug.

„How was game night? You went, yeah? Met his friends finally?"

„Carr, too many questions and too little caffeine in my system. Actually - no caffeine at all yet," she muttered and switched the cell phone to her right ear for more comfort. „I went. They were nice. It was… strange in a good way."

„See, told ya it was gonna be good. You just gotta get out sometimes. Meeting new people is good, meeting _his_ people's even better. You got along then?"

„We played games and just… chatted very briefly so I guess so." Her lips wrapped around pottery and she indulges in a long, heavenly sip of black Colombian coffee that instantly kickstarts her systems.

„One of these days you will have to give me a little more, Benson. Do I have to worm every little bit of information out of you?"

„I don't know what else you wanna hear," Olivia groaned and starts to think, wondering what else she could tell. „Tom got drunk."

„Oh, is this the juicy part?"

„I don't know about juicy he just… got wasted."

„You know what they say about drunks right? How their true character comes to show?" She teases.

„They say that? All I've ever heard was that drunks spoke the truth…or something," she mumbles around another sip of coffee.

„Yeah well, maybe it was that," Carrie agreed thoughtfully.

„He's insanely competitive in games and probably a sore loser." She can only assume after all Tom hadn't lost in the game of _Running Charades_ he was so invested in.

„That's not a bad thing."

„He gloated and teased me about it. It wasn't very…" Olivia tries to think of a word but it's hard to describe what she thought about it. It had made him unattractive for a moment and Olivia had to remind herself that it was probably the alcohol that encouraged the extent of his behavior.

„You know, we all have our flaws and we all have some things crawl to the surface under the influence. I remember that you always ugly cried when we got wasted."

„I did not!" The protest comes in an instant, wide eyes and everything. She fights it because it is humiliating to be called out on it, no matter how true.

„Course you did. All the damn time. You'd get all quiet and somber and then you'd bawl like a baby." There have been one or two instances, Olivia admits. Well, maybe five. Six. She may even have gone through one of those drunk breakdowns in front of Elliot which she had made him swear to forget about it and never bring it up ever again. _Ever-_

„Yeah well, but you… you always cursed like a sailor and had a bit of a mean streak when you drank."

„I always curse like a sailor, Liv." Olivia can practically hear the eye-roll through Carrie's voice. „And I don't have a mean streak, I just tend to be brutally honest when I drink."

„Same difference."

„Yeah, maybe," the blonde grins into her cell. „When are you going to meet Mr. Sexy Specks?" Olivia is positive that Carrie will never let her live that drunk night last year down. Too many bottles of wine and her lack of confidence to go for dating Tom at the time had ended in her whining (but not ugly crying) over the situation and Olivia had thrown in a lot of gushing over the black-rimmed specks that made _Mr. Tom Tetley so incredibly sexy._ Somehow her best friend had ended up turning those words into a stupid, stupid name.

„Can you stop calling him that?"

„That's a rhetorical question, right? Because the answer is no."

Olivia groans and rolls her head between her shoulders, trying to get rid of some of the tension that has built in the years.

„It's a perfectly suitable name, Liv. I mean, he is pretty damn sexy wearing those glasses, you were right about that."

„Huh-huh," she says with no enthusiasm, hoping her friend would let it go if she didn't give her the satisfaction of complaining.

„I'm going to an Ed Sheeran concert by the way."

„Uh-huh. And you're telling me that why?"

„Because I never even knew who the guy was before you've compare Sexy Specks to him. Nice music. I like."

„Carrie?"

„Yeah?"

„Does this conversation has a point?"

„I love to hear your voice." Olivia's lips crack open and form a goofy smile.

„Aww thanks. I think this is the nicest thing you've said to me in… probably ever," Liv teases softly.

„Gotta throw you a bone sometimes, you know?" The blonde offered. „Seriously though, I miss you."

„I miss you, too."

„You should come visit sometime."

„Yeah, with my schedule," she scoffs. „But you're always welcome here, you know?"

„I might just take you up on that offer." With their own practice it wouldn't be rocket science to clear her schedule for a few days if she planned a couple of months in advance.

„You're gonna let me meet Mr. Sexy Specks, aren't you?" The tone of Carrie's voice is leery. She wouldn't even put it past Olivia to try and keep her away from Tom.

„If you're going to stop calling him that," Olivia retorts in challenge.

„Is it enough if I promise not to call him that to his face?" The blonde woman ponders hopefully.

„Erm… _no_ ," Olivia states with emphasis. How is that even an option, calling him Mr. Sexy Specks _to his face_? Has she lost her goddamn mind?

„What? It's a good deal. I'll spare you embarrassment and I get to meet him, sounds like a win win to me."

„Why are we friends again?"

„Aww, now that just hurts, Benson," Carrie fake cries and sucks in a shallow breath.

„No calling him that, period. Not to me and not to his face."

„And there I was creating such a lovely name for him. Seriously Liv, I just went by what you gave me."

„I was drunk."

„Your point being?"

„I was drunk and you were being mean. In fact you still are and you're not even drunk," she explains, slowly adding something. „I hope." She hears Carries laugh filter through the phone.

„Fine, I'm not going to call him Mr. Se.."

„Carrie." The words a warning, a bite.

„Oh come on, one last time?" She sounds like her son did a few minutes ago, howling cub, and she tries to remember what it takes to stop it. Basically the only way around it is instant fulfillment of needs. She groans and lets her head hang. „Fine, one last time," she allows through gritted teeth.

„Mr. Sexy Specks-," Carrie breathes. „God, that felt good."

„You're such an idiot," Olivia chuckles, shaking her head.

„And you're way too uptight, Benson."

….


	50. Wollman Rink

Noah's excitement over Olivia's suggestion to go and grab lunch at McDonalds has grown the closer they got to the restaurant where Tom is supposed to meet them. The day is nice, the sun even comes out from behind clouds from time to time and while it's cold, it's not freezing. Olivia hasn't prepared Noah for meeting ‚someone' and eventually decided to just roll with whatever would happen at the restaurant. Her nervousness had peeked as they left the apartment but now, seeing the fast food restaurant just sixty or so feet away a calm feeling washes over her.

„There Momma, look! It's over there." Noah's hand wraps around hers tightly and his strides instantly get longer and faster so he's almost pulling at her arm.

„I know," she chuckles softly.

„Can I get a Happy Meal?"

„Of course."

„I want nuggets, okay? And no apple slices, I want the yoghurt, please?"

„Sure thing," Olivia assures as he drags her towards the entrance. As most kids his age he always has something to say, unless he's completely hypnotized by the TV that is. By now she has learned to block some of it out, filtering for what is just him blubbering and when it is time to give Noah her full attention.

Pushing the heavy door open Olivia scans the restaurant. It's buzzing with activity at this time of day, the typical rush around lunch time. Taking in her surroundings her gaze then settles on Tom and despite the smile that is brought up by the sight of him, her heart also starts pounding harder in her chest. It is now that she wonders how to get in contact but Noah instantly takes the worry off her as he points his finger in Tom's direction.

„Look Mom, it's Mr. Tetley." His excitement doubles and eyes widen at his discovery. Upon first glance Tom seems as surprised and taken aback as Olivia herself but it's clearly the best thing that could have happened. Their eyes disconnect for a moment, then gazes meet again with faint smiles on their faces.

„You're right. Why don't we go over and say hello?"

„Can we?" he asks as hyper as he is on sugar rushes.

„Sure, I think we should." They move closer towards the counter until they reach Tom. The boy is wasting no second.

„Hi Mr. Tetley," he greets his teacher, excited to meet him outside of school.

„Noah, hey," he beams and then shifts his attention to Olivia. „Miss Benson," he says with a wink that makes her hold back a chuckle. Especially because he checks her out so shamelessly.

„Mr. Tetley," she says meaningfully.

„My Mom and I are getting lunch. I can have a Happy Meal. Are you getting lunch, too?" So much for Olivia's worry of how to start a conversation. Her son obviously handles it just fine and all by himself.

„I am, actually. And a Happy Meal sounds good, think I should get that, too?"

Olivia wonders if Tom is nervous at all because he breezes through the conversation. But she remembers Noah isn't a stranger, he knows how to handle her kid even in this very new and delicate situation.

„No," Noah laughs as if it is the silliest thing he's ever heard. A grown up getting a Happy Meal. „It's for kids."

„Is it now? Okay, I didn't even know that. What's in there anyway? It's one of those boxes right?"

Noah's eyes light up as he starts to explain that it's a kid's meal and that you can choose between a burger or nuggets, fries, apple slices or yoghurt and choose a drink. „And there's a toy in it, too," he adds.

„That sounds pretty neat," he says with astonishment. „And here I am just getting the regular menu."

„You can ask them to make you a grown up Happy Meal," Noah suggests with a shrug of his shoulders as they still stand in line, waiting to order, making Olivia and Tom chuckle.

„I could, huh? Maybe I'll do that."

They move forward in line and Olivia realizes that a weight has finally lifted from her shoulders. For months she has been worried about this moment and for now everything feels fairly natural. She watches the pair interact with no restraint at all. It couldn't have gone better.

„Do you want a toy, too?" Noah asks him as it's finally their turn and they are greeted by Stephanie from the staff asking them about their orders. Tom is slightly overwhelmed for a moment. He orders a Happy Meal, making it known it's for the young man next to him and the young woman turns her attention towards the boy with a smile, going through all the options with him. Noah doesn't seem to find it strange that Mr. Tetley orders his meal when his mother should, after all at four years old he does not care who pays for his food as long as he gets the desired Happy Meal. Looking at Olivia she places her order, a Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad and a small Iced Tea. When it's Tom's turn he sees Noah's blue eyes look up at him expectantly and he finds himself in a bit of a dilemma. He really wants a proper burger, preferably with extra cheese and bacon but falters and goes for a Happy Meal with a Hamburger, apple slices and a juice box for a beverage, all the while hearing Olivia trying to stifle her gleeful giggles unsuccessfully. But underneath the amusement she is completely sold now.

Her boyfriend orders himself a Happy Meal simply because Noah had suggested he'd ask for a grown up Happy Meal. It's not beneath him to do this to bond with her child over a red box of unhealthy food. Her chest swells with affection and love as her Tom asks for Noah's help to decide on one of the four toys available.

„Noah, it's pretty packed here today. Do you and your Mom want to sit with me? If that's okay, I mean," he smiles, looking up, pretending to check with Olivia first.

„Can we Mom? Please?" His eyes are pleading with his mother who just smiles down at him.

„If it's okay with Mr. Tetley we can." Gently she ruffles her son's curly head, glad that everything is going so smoothly. Waiting for their order she keeps listening to Noah and Tom discussing the toys and while Olivia had always thought she wasn't bad at faking excitement over toys that she had no interest in, Tom was now putting her to shame. Once their order is ready Olivia allows Noah to swarm out to find a free table which he is all too happy about and darts off as fast as his feet carry him.

„That went well," Olivia says, placing her right hand at the small of Tom's back because he doesn't have a free hand while carrying the tray.

„It did, didn't it?" He beams with confidence and relief alike because the biggest hurdle in this relationship is about to be overcome after all these months. Tom remembers the moments of doubt and worry, even the all consuming feeling of jealousy toward Olivia's son, however he realizes now that it is no longer an issue. He would get to spend more time with her now.

„I can't believe you ordered a Happy Meal," she laughs. It is as funny as it is adorable that he chose to do this for her son's benefit.

„I can't either because how's a hamburger and fries gonna fill me up?"

„You still got the apple slices," she teases.

„Yay me," he chuckles with an edge of sarcasm as the little boy finds a free table.

„Momma, over here! This one's free."

They make their way over to the table and take a seat at the far end of the restaurant. So far the meeting is a breeze but Tom quickly notices that Noah in school and Noah in private with his mother are two different children. The boy is obviously used to being the center of attention at home with no siblings. In school he's more quiet, not as hyped. He can see how Olivia's got her hands full after work and on the weekends.

They each get their food and Noah quickly shoves a chicken nugget into his mouth before inspecting the toy that has come with his Happy Meal. There is some conversation over what the toys can do and Olivia listens intently, exchanging glances with Tom every now and then. The way he interacts with her child is, hands down, quite a bit of a turn on and if at all possible she falls for him harder than she already has. The desire to take his hand or even kiss him is overwhelming, especially because she can't, so with a pouty face she takes a bite of her salad and chews on leafy greens and her frustration. Before today she has never gotten why some women think that babies make men sexy and desirable. But here and now watching how Tom makes Noah giggle and laugh and encourages the 4-year old explain all about the toys and why chicken nuggets are much better than Tom's hamburger (because it's 4 chicken nuggets and just one burger, duh) she understands. It's sweet enough that the next time they will be alone her underwear will come off without Olivia's or Tom's assistance. It's ridiculous how this is screwing with her mind, how sexy it makes the man to her.

By the time they each have finished Olivia and Tom have gone over to using their first names in front of the boy who seemingly hasn't picked up on the change or he simply doesn't care. Randomly Tom mentions that he is planning on going ice-skating which instantly catches Noah's attention.

„Has your Mom ever taken you ice-skating, Noah?"

„No but I wanna go. Momma, can you take me? Please?" He knew winter sports like ice-skating and skiing from his favorites cartoons but has never tried either himself. The prospect of getting to do it excites the boy and his small frame is jumping up and down on the stool.

Olivia is still not convinced that she is going to like it too much, mainly because she doubts her ability to learn quickly. The last time she has been on any kind of skates must have been about three to four decades ago on roller skates.

„You could come with me if you'd like to. I'm not too bad on skates and could show Noah," Tom suggests knowingly and Olivia teasingly rolls her eyes at him.

„Yes, Momma. Please. Please," her son begs, folding his small hands, blue eyes sparkling. „Can we?"

„Well," she says thoughtfully and finally makes a big sigh. „I guess I'm overruled."

„Yay! Thank you Mommy, you're the best!" Noah jumps off his chair and hugs her sitting form tightly, making her chuckle.

„Alright, alright, easy there big boy." She strokes his curly hair softly before he pulls back. „Do you have to go to the bathroom before we go?"

„No." He shakes his head vehemently and Olivia raises both eyebrows. She asks again, mainly out of habit, because she does know her son and a no can turn into ‚I need to go now' within a minute or two. When he agrees that yes, he is sure, they clean up their table, put their winter jackets back on and get going towards Central Park and Wollman Rink.

The walk is slow paced as it can only be with young kids. There is something that catches Noah's attention every few feet, always something to discover. Once it's a stick that he picks up and pretends it's a sword and he's a pirate far out on the sea, then it's an oddly shaped stone that he and Tom look at and make up a story about how it could be a part of an other planet like Mars. Her son has an active imagination and Tom assures her that it's fantastic. She has never seen him teach but on their way he throws in a few fun facts about a tree species and explains to Noah how they can go ice-skating although there's no snow and such no ice and he does it in a way Olivia couldn't, in a way that even a young child really understands quite well how things work and it is astounding. While Tom uses terms he also asks Noah if he knows what something means and if he doesn't he explains it with comparisons and understandable examples. And even more importantly, he does it with infinite patience - the patience she is so often lacking. More often than not she feels like a terrible mother.

Olivia can see that they have a good rapport with each other and although in a teaching position Tom doesn't seem to take himself too seriously. He thinks children learn best when they experience things first hand, when they get to see and touch and hear and discover. When they have their natural curiosity sparked. It makes sense to her now that Tom and the kids spend a lot more time outside than other pre-schoolers and although in their first meeting at school Tom has explained this concept it is only now that Olivia truly gets it - now that she sees it with her own eyes. And funnily her son is more balanced than before because he's entertained and his mind is challenged just enough to keep the boy occupied and interested.

„You're so good with him," Olivia says softly when they get the chance to talk. Noah is walking ahead, enough so they can have a conversation in private but close enough so they can't lose him out of their sight. Her hands are deep in her coat pockets as they walk side by side, arms gently bumping into each other.

„It's easy because we're not strangers. Not that kids don't adjust super quick but it certainly helps to have that basis and level of comfort with each other. Spending nearly every day together in class amounts to something." He cracks a grin. There is a sparkle in his eyes that is telling. He feels confident about this first meeting in private, confident to be around Noah outside of school.

If Olivia's boyfriend had been a stranger this could have gone either way, perfect or disastrous. So, all in all she considers it a lucky circumstance that Noah and Tom have a foundation that they can build upon.

„How do _you_ feel about this?"

She thinks about the question but it's hard to say what exactly she feels. There are so many things going through her mind with this new step, this new stage in their relationship. It will be another week or two until Olivia wants to tell Noah about Tom and his role in her life so her son can ease into the changes.

„Good. Really good for the most part. Relieved that everything is working out so well - at least so far. Still a bit nervous for the coming weeks, though. Hanging out and telling him we're involved are two very different things," she says heavily and then shakes her head. „Or maybe they aren't. Maybe my adult head is expecting complicated while Noah'll just… shrug it off."

„Probably," he smiles and puts a hand on the small of her back. „He's four I doubt relationships matter to him. In a few years from now this could have been… interesting," he chuckles.

„I realize how pathetic my worries have been all this time."

„They were never pathetic, Olivia. Every single doubt and worry was and still is valid and justified. This is your son. Your family. I understand that you can't go into this lightly and… I won't say it hasn't been hard sometimes with only getting to spend one evening a week, a night every other week with you. And I've had my moments of fear and doubt and even jealousy," he admits sheepishly with a pained expression on his face. „And that felt pathetic then. Telling you about it feels pathetic. But thinking about it - it really isn't. It just shows that we care, that we think about ideals and how to do this right and we have wishes and hopes. That's… that's not pathetic, Liv." He remembers too well when jealousy towards Noah had eaten him up, simply because the boy had all weekend with Olivia when he just got a few hours at times. Hours that went by too quickly. Luckily he hasn't felt that way in the past few weeks. He has started to feel more comfortable in the relationship after Christmas. The holidays have really done a whole lot for them, although they had spent them apart.

„You've been jealous?" This is the first she ever hear of it and she has no idea whom he could possibly have been jealous over. There basically are no other men in her life - well, except her co-workers but just the thought of her with Fin or Carisi is ridiculous.

„Not my brightest hour, I know," he grins and Olivia knows those cute dimples are hiding beneath the beard. „It wasn't overly serious just… getting so little time with you and knowing Noah gets all that attention - which he should, of course," he quickly adds and shakes his head.

„N-Noah? You were jealous of…Noah?" Olivia can't think of a single situation where it showed and although the revelation is slightly shocking, she also finds it funny which shows in the way her lips crack into a smile and finally a full belly laugh slices the air and even makes Noah turn his head with curiosity.

„Okay, thinking of it maybe that has been and still is pathetic." He is glad that she can take this with a huge grain of salt. Come to think of it, she could have taken it badly and sent him packing for something so infantile.

„It is pathetic. Because I am jealous of you and the amount of time you get to spend with him in school." It is like a cosmic joke. „I mean, you have more time with my son than I do. I have… I have weekends," she cackles, trying to get a grip. „That's two days and I'm catching every other week and often have to leave at least once for a few hours." It is mother's guilt. Of course Olivia needs the paycheck to keep the food on the table and make sure Noah gets to visit one of the better schools but there will always be moments when she will wonder if it's worth it. She sees so little of her child Monday to Friday and tries to make up for it on the weekends. And sometimes, even though it's low, she buys off her guilt with toys and candy - not even for her son but for her own peace of mind.

„Okay that actually makes sense. But hey, you're his Mom. You get to be jealous. I don't," he smiles and notices that Noah no longer pays attention to whatever his mother was laughing about. „He's one lucky kid, having the adults in his life boiling with jealousy over him. And one lucky kid to have you as his mother."

Tom's hand sneaks from the small of her back around her waist, gently tucking Olivia against him as they are walking. For a moment their gazes meet and Tom gives Olivia's side a gentle squeeze. It's as much of a private moment and silent communication they get with Noah in tow.

…

When they reach Wollman Rink they all get skates in their sizes. Olivia is fidgety once she has put hers on and not sure if she is more concerned for herself or Noah. Sensing her nervousness Tom keeps assuring her it will be alright and they will have fun and yet she decides to sit it out for the time being so Tom can focus on teaching Noah how to ice-skate.

„Are you sure? You can hold on to the railing, you'll do just fine."

„I'm sure. I'll just watch you guys." She thinks she is going to break her hip for sure. Or a leg. Or her nose. That would just be her luck, to fall flat on her face in front of all these people.

„For now?" Tom asks, his voice a tease.

„We'll see."

„Are you scared Mama?" The young boy asks, his voice sounding concerned for his mother. „I can hold your hand. And Mr. Tetley can teach you how, too. Right?"

„Absolutely. It's what I do after all, isn't it? Teaching?"

„Uh-huh," Noah agrees with a toothy grin.

„I'll join you later. This way I can take some pictures of you and we can send them to Aunt Carrie." Carrie is always excited over new pictures of young Noah, mentioning ever so often how she vicariously lives through Olivia these days with the new love and still young child while she herself has been married for two decades and has teenage children.

„Okay," Noah agrees as Tom checks the boy's skates once more.

„Feeling good? They're not too big?"

„No," Noah grins.

„Not to small either?"

„No," he giggles, excitement radiating off of the boy.

„That sounds about perfect, then let's get you on the ice, young man." Tom offers Noah his hand to hold on and slowly they walk towards the icy surface which Noah finds funny since he's wobbly on the blades as they walk across the mats.

„Okay Noah, the ice is going to feel very slippery beneath the skates but I've got you and I won't let you go. Bend your knees a little and relax your body, that'll help you to find your balance. Ready?"

The boy is eager to learn and excited for his first experience on the skates, nodding. „Ready," he assures.

Holding on to both of Noah's hands Tom steps onto the ice first, walking backwards and then helps the four year-old to set his foot onto the frozen surface.

„Okay, slowly… slowly… there you go," he smiles. „Good job, Noah." Tom glances over to where Olivia is still sitting and not surprisingly she looks tense, worried for her child. He offers a smile, hoping it is going to calm her nerves. It is out of the question he is going to take good care of her son.

At first Tom and Noah practice how to march in place just so the boy can get used to the feeling of the ice beneath his feet and to help him find his balance on the blades. When Noah managed to move smoothly in place without losing his balance Tom teaches him how to fall on the ice so he won't receive an injury and that is something the kid thoroughly enjoys, to act silly and let himself fall to the side like Tom has shown him a few times. Noah's laughter is ringing in Tom's ears and he is glad that the boy has so much fun. His eyes search for Olivia again, giving her two thumbs up to communicate that everything is going well so far before he waves her nearer. She groans but gets up and unsteadily walks closer to the rink.

„Mommy look, I can fall," Noah cheers happily and instantly shows her, behind his knees before he lets himself fall slightly to the side as he leans forward.

„Awesome." Olivia claps her hands and looks at Tom. „You teach him how to fall?"

„Of course. Knowing how to fall to prevent injuries is probably the most important thing," he explains.

„You expect me to… fall?" She is completely dumbstruck.

„I expect you to let yourself fall safely," he beams.

„It's easy Momma, you gotta try. Look, I can do it again," he says as he slowly pushes himself back up with Tom's help only to fall again.

„Thanks but I think I'll pass," she frowns. For one she is afraid of falling, even if it means knowing how to fall safely. And secondly she is not wearing the right clothes for the occasion. Neither are Noah or Tom,she realizes but instead of freaking out over wet pants from the ice she bites her tongue. Her son is obviously having a blast and she isn't going to ruin the bonding activity.

„Spoil sport," Tom teases.

„I'd probably break my hip."

„Nonsense. No bones will break, I promise you. Come on, at least give it a try." He can see how her cheeks turn redder and it's not from the cold. When she bites her lip he can see that she's actually scared and he won't put her on the spot. „Just sit right there and watch us. Think about it," he offers softly as he helps Noah up once more. „If you really don't want to that's okay, too."

Olivia nods and exhales a shaky sigh before she sits down right by the rink so she can watch from close by and actually take good pictures. After Noah has become a pro at falling safely Tom goes over to show him how to not only march in place, but to march and move and eventually do scooter steps, something that the kid enjoys thoroughly, pretending to actually ride a scooter including the noises of high speed. Half an hour later and he makes his first steps without holding Tom's hand and he's doing it well, too. Olivia's chest swells with pride as she applauds and exchanges glances with Tom who is having no less fun than her son.

„He'll go pro," Tom calls out so his voice carries to Olivia and she gives him a thumbs up and takes more pictures and captures Noah's achievement on film.

„You go Noah," she cheers as he moves more swiftly than she would have expected on his very first time on ice-skates. His face is split by a grin the entire time.

„Mommy look! I can do it! I can do it."

„Mommy sees you. Way to go, sweetie!"

She watches as Noah moves more safely from minute to minute and before she knows it two hours have passed. Her son ice-skates without help. He falls but he gets back up with a smiley face and Tom's help. The longer Olivia watches, the more she relaxes and eventually her heart no longer skips a beat when his small body hits the ground, however safely he might land due to the extensive practice in the beginning.

„Mommy, you gotta try, too. Look, it's easy. I can show you."

„You think? Mommy's a little scared," she admits as Noah and Tom come closer.

„Pleeehease."

It's hard to argue with Noah's pleading. They have come here together after all and Tom has paid the rent for her skates. She wonders how hard it can be. She used to roller skate when she was still a kid and she did pretty darn good then. Ice-skating can't be much different, right? Although unsure she gives herself a little push and stands up, holding on to the railing as she slowly hobbles over on the blades. Screw that she's the crap scared. And screw that she's probably going to walk back home with a wet butt. If it made Tom and Noah happy it would be well worth it - well, as long as she doesn't break any bones.

„I'll try," she says and sees Tom's eyes light up at her bravery.

„Noah, you stay right here by my side, okay? I'll help your mom."

„I can help, too," the boy claims. „I know how to do it."

„You sure do. How about I let her hold onto me and you show her. Sound good? We're working as a team?"

„Yes!" he agrees and excitedly he starts talking about one of his favorite cartoons and how teamwork is important.

In the meantime Olivia takes hold of Tom's hands, her fingers gripping onto him tightly until her knuckles turn white.

„Relax," he says softly. „Bend your knees a little, don't stiffen up your body that'll only make it harder for you to find and hold your balance." His voice is her anchor, warm and soothing as she slowly steps onto the ice and almost cries out as she tries to find her footing. „Easy there. Don't be scared. You've got this."

She feels like walking a tightrope ten thousand feet above the ground but sure, she's got this, she thinks sarcastically. Her nails dig into Tom's skin and he holds her eye, his voice talking her through her insecurity until she manages to hold her balance on the ice, no longer swaying back and forth like an out of control pendulum. Although for the time being she feels safe, well - safer than before at least, dark thoughts trickle through her mind again of a bleeding nose and broken bones and a hell of a lot embarrassment.

„You okay?"

„Mhhm," she nods because forming actual words is too complicated as she attempts to keep her body as still as humanly possible. Her jaw is clenched tightly as she focuses on relaxing and she is doing a piss poor job of it. Nope, women close to fifty certainly should not attempt to learn how to ice-skate. At least not without all the protective gear available.

„You're doing great," Tom encourages her and earns himself a glare through narrow eyes.

„Not funny," she tells him. She might punch him in the shoulder if she would dare to let go of him, which she doesn't.

„I'm not kidding you, you are doing good, Olivia," he assures once more. „You just gotta stop thinking about it. We're going to march on the spot. All nice and slow. Noah, can you show your Mom?"

„Uh-huh." Noah starts to march and cackle but it can't be taken seriously. The kid is quite hyper and at least it puts a smile on Olivia's face as Tom starts to march on the spot as well, his eyes encouraging her to do the same.

She feels like an old lady with brittle bones, still afraid to fall by the time they have stopped marching. Tom gives her instructions of how to practice falling but no way no how, she refuses. She wants to but she simply can't. She feels put on the spot and embarrassed. She feels pathetic because she has thrown herself into the eye of danger countless times on the job, she has taken punches, hits and falls and here she is, scared to let herself fall on the ice. It's because she still lacks the safe footing on the blades. She does not feel safe at all, like she isn't in control of the fall she is supposed to take with Tom's and Noah's assistance. In fact it is so embarrassing, she wants to cry. When she puts her foot down and says with determination that she won't let herself fall she expects Tom to tease and mock her, to make fun, but he does no such thing. Instead he nods and squeezes her hands three times.

„Alright. Come on, let me help you back. Slowly. There you go."

„Thanks," she mumbles. She keeps her eyes cast downwards, unable to look him in the eye.

„It's no big deal `livia. Maybe next time." If she needs more practice just standing and marching on the spot then they could do that, no matter how long it would take.

She feels like an idiot because again her son lets himself fall, laughing as happily as only a kid can. Noah has mastered the skates in less than two hours on his very first day on the ice and here she was, a Lieutenant with the NYPD who has seen the worst, who has been through some seriously disturbing shit and she couldn't even let herself fall to the damned ground.

„I'm pathetic," she mutters. „I shouldn't even have tried."

„Hey…hey, no. Look at me? Please?"

Noah cackles a few feet away, managing to get up on his own for the first time and he does well without Tom's assistance.

„Olivia…"

She raises her gaze eventually, looking at Tom silently.

„You are not pathetic, okay? It's your first time and it's okay to be scared."

„Yeah, right," she scoffs and sits down. Tom casts a glance at Noah, making sure he is still close by.

„You did just fine and if you want to we'll try again another time. And if you don't then that's okay, too." Noah doesn't pay attention to them and he takes the opportunity to stroke a strand of Olivia's hair behind her ear. „I'm glad you even tried."

„You're just saying that…"

„Am not."

„You are," she says. She doesn't want to ruin the mood and sighs deeply. „You have to say that. You still wanna get in my pants after all." The tiniest smile tugs at her lips as she hears Tom laugh out loud.

„That I do. But I'm not saying anything in order to get into your pants," he whispers and rubs her upper arm.

„Do you wanna leave?" Her shoulders slump and she really wants to get out of these skates and slip into her boots.

„No, it's fine. He's having so much fun. I'll just sit and watch. I think they have coffee over there."

„Alright," he agrees and offers a smile. „You let me know the second you wanna get out of here?"

„Will do," she assures. „You go, have fun. Unless it's getting too much. I know he can be-„

„Don't even worry about it. He's great, Olivia." He flashes a brilliant smile and then he turns and is gone, back on the ice, moving towards her son.

…

They leave at 5:30 PM when Noah is physically exhausted, a condition Olivia doesn't see him in often. Her son is always in action, always running and jumping, always so energetic. Three and a half hours of ice-skating in the cool winter air however seem to have tired him out. They grab dinner at a pizza parlor and Noah almost falls asleep while taking a bite.

„I guess someone's going to collapse in his bed today."

„You bet," Olivia chuckles. „I've never seen him like this. Well, not in the past two years at least." It is obvious that the boy no longer takes notice of his surroundings, fighting to stay awake. It is bound to be a losing battle.

„We should probably get him home," Tom says, unable to watch the poor kid any longer.

„Yeah," Olivia agrees and takes the last sip of her water. She bundles Noah up in his winter jacket and his scarf. Outside it's dark and Noah grasps Olivia's hand and walks small, wobbly steps, as if he's in zombie mode and without thinking about it twice Tom picks him up.

„Come here kiddo," he says, tucking the boy against his hip effortlessly. Noah doesn't seem to mind at all, showing no sign of reluctance. Initially Olivia wants to protest but the moment she realizes that it isn't a big deal for Tom or her son it dies on her tongue. It doesn't take a minute until the curly head comes to rest against Tom's shoulder in exhaustion, eyes fluttering shut.

„He's completely spent," Olivia says, peeking at her son's sleeping form. „How'd you do that?"

„It's all the fresh air. And learning something new. It's fun but it also takes a lot of focus and body control, especially in these early stages. It would have knocked everyone out," he assures with a smile. His voice drops to a lower volume with awareness of an exhausted child clutching at him with the last remnants of strength and maybe awareness until the small body goes limp. He turns his head but is unable to see Noah's face that is curled into him. It's funny how comfortable the child seems to be. While Tom is no stranger, they have never had any sort of close physical contact, either. After all that would have been completely inappropriate.

„Ah, I see through your shady agenda now. You wanted to knock me out." She speaks in mock offense and his chuckle vibrates softly.

„Absolutely not." His free hand snakes around Olivia's waist in assurance, searching for contact. He has barely touched her all afternoon despite having her right there with him the whole time. In his opinion it deserved a gold medal. „I'm more into responsive, as you know."

Olivia snickers and decides that the dirty talk, however PG it sounds, has to stop as long as her kid is attached to her boyfriends hip. They walk the remaining three blocks keeping up a light conversation that doesn't entail innuendo.

„If he's getting too heavy…" Olivia doesn't get to finish, her concern is brushes off in an instant.

„He's light as a feather," Tom assures. It's not exactly true, carrying an almost five-year old, unresponsive body feels more like dragging unwieldy dead weight, but there is no way he is going to let Olivia carry the boy the rest of the way.

„Yeah sure," she gives a huge eye roll. She will never understand male pride but thinks it's somewhat sweet nonetheless. „Sure you're doing alright?" They've walked quite a bit and she knows how exhausting it can be to carry all that weight when Noah's awake and easier to hold onto and shift around. Which is cement block heavy and break-out-in-a-sweat exhausting, especially in a thick winter jacket.

„Peachy," he grins. „We're almost there anyway." So much is true. He can hold out for another three, four minutes. Despite the heaviness he has never been better. This feels utterly right. Tom has no reservations towards Noah or the small family that Olivia and her son form. Nothing has changed about Tom's desire to be part of it - not as a third wheel, not as just anyone, but someone who is ready to open himself up to the boy that has no father in his life. He doesn't know in what capacity he truly can be there for him, if it will be simply as a role model or a father figure. Or if things will grow and develop and he will be allowed to step up to the plate and act as a father in every sense that counts. It is too early to tell, but neither idea repulses him. The door is wide open. It will be a long road but Tom is more than ready for it.

He is not kidding himself. At 37 years old this is his best shot at something close to fatherhood. He won't conceive a child and while he's not _old_ old, he feels that if things with Olivia would one day end, he'd feel too old to start over anew and adopt with some other woman. Fuck, he has no interest in anything like that with _an other_ woman. As far as Tom Tetley is concerned this is it. Olivia. Olivia and Noah. If he has any say in the matter, any choice, then those two are end game.

…

They arrive at Olivia's building and before Tom can shift the boy into Olivia's arms she assures him that he can come up. She will simply get Noah out of his clothes and tuck him in and he probably won't even wake up through it all. She unlocks the doors and leads the way towards Noah's bedroom for Tom who carefully and gently puts the sleeping boy on the bed. Noah pushes a heavy breath through parted lips and simply curls his body into a ball.

„I better head home," Tom says softly and leans into Olivia, wanting to steal a kiss before his departure for the night.

„Don't be ridiculous," she whispers. „Give me ten minutes, I'll get him ready. He's out as a light, no need for you to leave just yet."

„Are you sure?"

„Do I look unsure?" She wiggles her eyebrows at him and pushes her palm against his shoulder. „Go sit down."

„Such a commanding tone," he sighs theatrically, taking a few steps backwards.

„Comes with the territory. Lieutenant, remember?"

„Oh, I remember," he nods with a meaningful glance, whispering ‚ _so sexy_ '. Olivia chuckles but gives a deadly glare, throwing one of Noah's cuddly toys at her boyfriend.

„Out," she laughs quietly and is pleased when the mission is accomplished and Tom quietly pulls the door shut behind him all the while chuckling and saying how she's adorable. _Adorable_. Her glare is not adorable. Crap, her death glare is…scary. Very scary. And deadly. Slowly shaking her head she keeps grinning to herself, then sits down on the side of her son's bed, starting to undress the boy with slow, loving hands. Only when she tries to get his second arm out of the thick winter jacket Noah stirs awake and blinks at his mother.

„We're home, sweetie. You can go back to sleep in a minute," she whispers softly and strokes her hand over his head full of curly hair. „I just have to get you into your PJ's, okay?"

Drowsily Noah nods and exhales heavily, trying to blink his sleepiness away as his mother works carefully but efficiently to get him out of his jacket and sweater.

„Where's Mr. Tetley?" Blue eyes dart across the room as if expecting to find the man standing somewhere.

„He's gone home," Olivia lies. For now the admission that Noah's teacher is sitting in their living room is probably a little much. They'd cross that bridge the next time. „It's been a nice day, hasn't it?"

Noah nods again and yawns, allowing Olivia to unbutton his pants and pull them off.

„Did you have fun?"

„Yes. Can we do it again?" A small fist moves up and rubs an eye and Olivia hears from the tone of Noah's voice that her son isn't all there yet. There is no doubt that he will be out the second his head hits the pillow again.

„Sure, sweetie."

„Can Mr. Tetley come, too?"

„Would you like that?" The question is formed around a smile. Today really could not have gone better than it has.

„Hm-mhh. I like Mr. Tetley a lot."

Well, it is probably hard for any child not to like someone who has focused 95% of their attention on them, including a Happy Meal at McDonald's and close to four hours of ice-skating. Throw in the ice-cream cone and their pizza dinner (although Noah has basically fallen asleep during the latter) and you have one happy kid that is bound to fall for your teacher-boyfriend. Tom has definitely played this nicely and won the boy over. Olivia is pretty sure she is sporting a stupid grin for it.

„That's good. Because I like him a lot, too. I think it's been an awesome day." Noah's Paw Patrol underwear comes off and Olivia helps him slip on his dinosaur pajamas, his favorites.

„You don't have to be scared on the ice, Mommy. I can help you. It's easy. You just have to do it like-,"

Another big yawn escapes and Olivia chuckles softly, gently combing her fingers through Noah's hair. „You can show me tomorrow, okay. You're so tired. We'll make an exception brushing your teeth, too. But only this one time."

„Okay," the blue-eyed boy mumbles as Olivia helps him to lay down and covers him up with the warm blanket. Leaning over she kisses her son's cheek and inhales his rich scent that is no longer baby but the essence of Noah Porter Benson nonetheless.

„Goodnight sweetie. I love you," she whispers, seeing his eyes slip closed before she has even finished speaking. The day has really tired him out completely. She remains sitting by his side for another minute, watching the rise and fall of her son's chest become a steady rhythm as his lips part and his fingers curl lightly. Just seeing him like this almost makes her heart burst with love for her baby. She thinks she will never grow tired of this - of sitting and watching him. She never feels quite as peaceful as in these moments.

…

When Olivia finally manages to peel herself off of Noah's bed and returns to the living room she sees Tom by the window, gazing out. She makes her presence known as her footsteps echo quietly on her way over to him and when he turns he offers a content smile.

„Hey there."

„Hey there yourself," she offers and wraps her arms around him from behind. Her eyes take in the outside world as she plants a kiss on his sweater-clad shoulder. „He's drained."

„I saw that," Tom mumbles, covering Olivia's hands.

„He said he had fun and wants to do this again. With you." Her chin drops onto her boyfriend's shoulder as a satisfied smile settles on her face. „Sounds like today was a success. You're the kid-whisperer or something."

„Nah, we're just lucky he's a kid that's easily bribed," he laughs into the quiet of the room.

„And it didn't even take a visit at ToysRus," Olivia teases since Tom had made that suggestion in case everything else failed.

„Too bad. I like their Lego department," Tom deadpans and turns around, his blue eyes landing on Olivia's hazel gaze. He hasn't gotten the chance to kiss her all day and his mouth and hands are dying to touch pink lips and olive skin. A hand runs down Olivia's arm, just a gentle touch but it makes Olivia's skin buzz a little. His gaze settles on Olivia's lips and he tips his head forward, capturing them. Kissing Olivia is like a breath of fresh air after all these hours of forced restriction by the presence of her son. There were moments where he had been about ready to throw caution to the wind and just a plant a big on her cheek or mouth when Noah was otherwise distracted but that little voice inside his head had advised him not to because Olivia wouldn't have been down with that at all. So, however hard it had been, he had played nice all afternoon. He feels Olivia exhale a sigh against his mouth, sinking into the kiss as her body molds to Tom's in what she considers a perfect fit.

It seems ridiculous how she still physically responds to him with goosebumps and her heart rate picking up, how his mouth on hers causes everything within her to throb in the name of arousal. It must be the Friday-sex, she thinks. It is out of the ordinary that they get to sleep with each other any other day of the week because with her job and son she does not have the luxury to see Tom whenever she wants to - or whenever her libido screams. So when they get the chance, when they are alone and he puts his mouth on her, she gets freakishly aroused most of the time. His ability to kiss begs for a goddamn permit. She's experienced good kissers - well, at least she likes to think so. Tom still can make turn her into a useless mess. Her point is proven as every bit of willpower goes out the window when his tongue slips into her mouth.

She's still alert enough and second guesses if any of this is a good idea with Noah around. He sleeps like log and usually he does not wake up. Still it's a touchy subject. To dare or not to dare. Tom's tongue is convincing and everything inside her turns to liquid heat. After six months it seems impossible and yet here she stands, a puddle of desire in the wake of his lips.

Tom allows her to catch her breath after a while, strokes hair hair, kisses her chin. „It's been a good day," he murmurs.

„Uh-hmm," she agrees. At this point she would agree to anything he says as long as he is so convincing with his lips. A hand slips behind her, finds a path downward to her ass and she his pulled against him. Tom's breath hits her ear and every hair on her body perks up, fully alert.

„Very good day. Except it's been torture not touching you," he throws in his only complaint and makes sure he gets a handful of her buttock in his hand to make his point. His lips are on her neck then, nipping at the delicate skin. „God, I gotta have you."

His hands come around to undo her pants and with the last of her clarity between the haze of arousal she manages to stop him.

„Not here," she pants, hindering his quick fingers. „B-bedroom." He might have kissed her close to senseless but something tells her that he can't screw her in the living room when Noah's in the next room and there is no door to lock. Call her paranoid but she does not want to be walked in on during sex. Ever.

„Fair enough," he growls and entangled and kissing he ushers them to her bedroom, locks the door, and backs her all the way up against the window sill where he wastes no time and gets back to where she has stopped him. Her pants come off as he kneels before her. The panties follow as he keeps his gaze planted on Olivia's sex, making no secret of what he wants.

It makes her heartbeat throb in her throat and her blood boil in her veins. He hasn't even touched her and she's already done for.

When both items of clothes are discarded he stands back up. Tom's gaze is fire and his mouth crashes onto Olivia's in a fierce kiss until she almost squeals from surprise as he lifts her up onto the window sill and within a second or two his face his buried between her amazing thighs, his tongue dragging slowly and teasingly through her already slick folds.

„Oh…F-fuck…"

Olivia's head jerks backwards and she hits her head on the window, hissing from what he is doing to her. He avoids her most sensitive spot intentionally but explores everything else, taking his time. Olivia's left leg locks around his head and her hand is in his hair.

He can't believe how intoxicating her sweet taste is to him. He laps at her with long leisure strokes of his tongue while his thumb starts to rub gentle circles at her entrance knowing how much it makes her ache for the penetration he is not yet willing to give. After all there is no rush tonight - not as long as he is out of here before Noah awakes in the morning.

…


	51. Begging For Thread

**A/N: So, here's Chapter 51. When I started this Fic I never would have dreamed of it ever going past...20 or so chapters. In fact, when I started writing I had no idea where exactly it would go, all I had was Olivia, Noah and an original character that's based on a very real person. It's been such an amazing ride for me so far, so much fun to write most of the time and it's amazing that I see quite a few of you review regularly, I love to see the same nicknames pop up on my screen. Of course I also love to see new names. Also hello to the lurkers, it rocks that you read my stuff.**

 **So, anyway... Chapter 51 hm... I'm a mom. I'm a mom to a 4 year old and I work and I study and I'm alone a lot of the time because my husband is traveling much. And as a mother I believe that I'm not an alien and that at some point all mothers (and certainly fathers, too) struggle and second-guess and question their abilities, question if they are good enough, if they give enough. And we do. Of course we do, but there are moments where we can't see it and it's an awful feeling to wonder where you go wrong and if you're a failure. And I'm rambling. But yes, this one is about Olivia having her moment and it was very cleansing to write this because not too long ago I had a very similar moment. So let's roll. Chapter 51 - Begging For Thread.**

 **Oh, let me just add: Sometimes my titles are chosen after what I've been listening to during the writing process - and that's the case here. I'm so addicted to this song and there's an acoustic version out there on youtube. The artist is Banks and she's amazing. Enough said.**

 **...**

Three weeks later on a Saturday night Olivia is left with a mess of banners, balloons, spilled cocoa, birthday cake and pastries. Confetti has found its way in the tiniest cracks all over the living room or rather all over the apartment. Noah's pirate themed birthday party has come to an end an hour ago and the only good news is that her son is asleep in his bed, completely spent despite the sugar rush from what his mother deems has been too much candy and too many sweetened beverages like juice, sweet tea cocoa and vanilla milk. Six hours ago the living room had been nicely decorated and _clean._ Now the apartment reminds her of a battlefield. A very sticky, very colorful battlefield.

Olivia's birthday two weeks ago has come and gone quietly. It has been a work day for her, she got home in the evening and has had a quiet one. No date night, no home cooked dinner, just her and Tom and Noah with pizza and a Disney movie of her son's choice. She has never cared about the date much and spending her birthday in peace and quiet had been just up her alley after her squad had pulled off the annual cake, balloons and flowers thing for the big forty-nine.

She wishes Noah's birthday could have been a little more like her own.

Olivia knows her son can make havoc of a room within five minutes. Two minutes if he works hard. But five kids all at once, well this is a whole new level of messy.

Sighing heavily she starts collecting the plastic cups with buccaneers on it. On each is a flag with the guest's name on it. She grabs a few paper napkins and stuffs them into the top cup, then grabs the plate with the birthday cake. The one that she had ordered at a bakery a few weeks ago. The one that cost a fortune because it has an actual edible pirate ship and fish and skulls on top of the blue frosting. The goddamn cake that Noah looked disappointed over when that little brat Timothy had asked if Olivia has made it herself because his mom always does.

God, she stills wants to throttle that snotty kid. Then again Timothy's mother is big on the sleepover thing and occasional sleepovers mean downtime. Or alone time with Tom. Neither is too bad.

The intercom rings, announcing her boyfriend's arrival. Tom has been here three times in the past couple of weeks after they have spent time with Noah. Once they had gotten Frozen Yoghurt, once for her birthday and yesterday they have visited the playground when Olivia got off work early. She has invited him to dinner at their apartment after checking with Noah who thought it was a great idea. They are working on making Tom a more permanent fixture in their home and Noah seems to love spending time with Tom. Olivia has even had the talk with her son, admitting that his teacher is not just a friend but her boyfriend. Noah had shown no sign of further interest in that part of the conversation at all but thought it was _awesome_ that they'd get to play together much more often. Turns out Olivia is no longer his favored playmate. According to her son she's not at good at putting together Lego or playing with his trucks and dinosaurs. Go figure.

Glancing at the items in her hand Olivia ponders. Put it back down or carry it to the kitchen real quick. She decides to drop it back on the couch table and darts towards the door.

 _Squiiiiiiish._

„Shit," she mutters as she steps on something. Looking down she realizes that something is a torn open gift bag that reads _Timothy_. With horror her gaze falls on the neon green slime that squishes out from under her shoe but over the carpet. „Oh no. No, no, no…," she whines, lifting her foot. The green mass drags and drags. She gets it off of her she sole okay but her weight has worked it into the carpet good. „Goddammit."

‚Giftbags are the in thing these days, everybody has them,' the salesgirl has said.

‚Boys love slime,' she has then added as Olivia got roped into the gift bag thing and needed to decide what should go in there.

 _Fuck the gift bags and fuck the slime. And fuck that snotty little…_ Olivia takes a deep breath, reminding herself that Timothy, however annoying he might be, is just a kid. Throttle-worthy but just a kid nonetheless. With resignation in her posture she makes it to the door and slams her finger on the intercom, letting Tom in. Her eyes shoot back to the blot in her carpet wondering how she is supposed to get it out without trace. That carpet is rather new. And God, it hurts to think she'll never get it clean again. It's an expensive carpet. It's _beige_ for God's sakes. It's _Vanilla Tan_.

Slumping against the door she sighs and closes her eyes. She's tired. God, she's _so_ tired. And she had no idea that four hours and five kids between three and five could do that to her. Olivia can't even remember when motherhood had last worn her down like this. And to think that little Timothy has made feel like a failure over that birthday cake is just the cherry on top of this…

Glancing around she dreads the next hour of clean up. Yeah… this. It's the cherry on top of this mess of scattered toys, left over food and the glitter on the floor after the party.

The gentle knock on the door reverberates against Olivia's back and pulls her out of her thoughts. Tom's smile almost makes her feel a little better. Almost.

„Ahoy Pirate. Had a good party? Arr!" His enthusiasm isn't met with anything he expected. Like a smile or a laugh. Something positive. Instead Olivia stands in the door, torso sunken and pulling a face. „Bad party?" He asks carefully, peeking inside.

„They've wrecked my living room," Olivia mutters. „There's… there's confetti everywhere and Jesse managed to pour a tube of glitter over the sofa and there's slime-," she breathes out and lets her head fall against Tom's shoulder. „There's slime on my new carpet." The very expensive carpet. The carpet, she thinks, is the worst.

„Okay… come here." He rubs her back with a gentle hand and drops his lips on top of her hair. „It's gonna be okay." Slowly he ushers her inside and closes the door, the full extent of the mayhem catches his eye. It's impressive. „Wow… that's…"

„Yeah," Olivia huffs. „I don't even know when that happened. I mean one minute they were… and all of a sudden…"

„They're kids, honey."

„Oh no. No, no, they're like…small monsters that look like innocent kids. Isn't there something like that in Mythology?"

„Changelings," Tom pipes up, petting her back. „In the dark age in Europe they were believed to be demons that were exchanged for a mother's actual child," he explains softly.

„That sounds about right," she says around a small chuckle. „Especially that little…," she bites her tongue before she says something terrible. „Timothy."

„Timothy, hm? So what did Timothy do?"

„He made me look bad in front of a bunch of kids." The actual problem is he made her look bad in front of Noah.

„And how did he do that?"

„By pointing out that his mother makes his impressive birthday cakes herself while I've only ordered Noah's," Olivia grumbles. However unreasonable it may be, the boy managed to make her feel like a terrible mother over cake. Like a failure who didn't do enough when she really tried her best.

„Awww, Liv." Tom kisses Olivia's temple and offers a hug. „Timothy's mother has nothing much to do except planning big birthday parties and making stupid cakes herself," he assures. „You've got a job with no set hours. It's not some sort of competition. It's just a goddamn cake."

„But is it?" She had thought she'd throw together a small get-together with a couple of Noah's friends. Well, at least until her son had begged her to have a themed party and Olivia realized that a birthday party is not something so simple these days. „I've made treasure map invitations," she groans. „For three nights straight. And I put together gift bags because apparently that's what _everyone_ does. And now I've got slime all over my carpet-," she exaggerates since it is only in one spot. „…and Noah was upset over his birthday cake. I feel terrible," she mutters and her exhaustion shows through the tears that pool in her eyes. The screwed up thing is that she has no idea what she's even crying about.

Tom has not seen this coming. Olivia is anything but overly emotional - well, at least he's barely ever seen her all that emotional. What he does know is that the woman is constantly spreading herself thin with her demanding job and her self-imposed standards as a mother. „Let me ask you this: Did Noah have fun?"

The only thing in response is a shrug as she sniffles. She doesn't know anymore. He had been quite happy when she had tucked him in but the moment she had seen the disappointment over the cake in his eyes, however briefly, has stuck with her and it's wearing her down. „I… I guess," she says finally.

„He did. I am sure he had a blast, Olivia. And he would still have had a great birthday without the pirate theme or that big ass cake," he says, gesturing towards the leftovers on the coffee table. „He's five years old and it's not a competition. At least it shouldn't be. So Timothy's parents put together over the top parties with…with clowns and a bouncy house or they go to one of those fancy indoor playgrounds. Who cares? They have more money than they can spend and they probably like to show off. He's making the big bucks and she's the perfect trophy wife that's found her way here straight from Stepford to New York City."

Olivia laughs through a tear that slips down her cheek and brushes it away quickly. „It feels like I just… I can't keep up."

„You don't have to keep up, baby," he whispers into her hair. „You can take yourself out of this equation. There are so many birthdays to come for him. What are you planning to do in ten years from now? Fly a bunch of his friends out to vacation in Hawaii? None of this will matter in the long run. What's more important than the perfect party is a sane mother," Tom assures. „Come on… you just sit down. Take a break."

„I gotta clean this up, this place is such a mess."

„The mess isn't going to make a run for it, I promise it's still going to be there in thirty," he grins with the joke. „Sit." He ushers her to the couch despite her protest.

„There's glitter all over my couch."

„There's glitter on your cheek, too. Sit." Eventually she doesn't fight him any longer and haphazardly settles on her sofa. She wonders if purple pixie dust on her ass will turn her into a faerie. Tom, pleased, takes a look around until he spots what he's been looking for. He walks to the kitchen area, pours Olivia some wine in one of the spare pirate paper cups and grabs to forks from the drawer.

She watches, dumbfounded when Tom places the cup in her hand. „What…"

„We're having cake. And wine. Because that's bound to make everything better." He drives the fork into the chocolate cake, making sure to get plenty of icing on it as he carefully lifts the bite to Olivia's mouth. „Open up."

„Really now?"

„Really," he nods, wiggling the fork.

Sighing she opens her mouth because this is stupid. So, so stupid. When the forkful is in her mouth she chews and her eyes close. „Hmph…" she moans dreamily. Stupid. But God, that cake is worth every penny.

„Good?"

„Hm-hm," she nods, chewing quickly. „So good."

…

Thirty minutes later Olivia and Tom sit comfortably on the couch. Neither hasn't moved since satisfying Olivia's sweet tooth, except for Tom when he got the wine bottle. The two of them have glitter all over their clothes and the cake has been a little ravaged.

„Do you think I'm a good mom?" Her head rests against Tom's shoulder as her fingers drum against the paper cup that holds her fourth refill of her favorite Merlot. Her head is buzzing pleasantly.

„What kind of question is that? I think you're terrific."

„You're not just saying that?"

„Who do you try to keep up with, `livia? You love your kid, you'd do anything for him, you keep him healthy and happy. That's all anyone can do, you know?"

She exhales shakily and gives a little shrug with her shoulders before she lifts her head and takes one more sip. „It feels like… I try and try and it's never… it's never good enough. And it doesn't get easier. I thought… I thought it's supposed to get easier the older he gets," she whispers.

„I don't know about it getting easier but… it's enough, Olivia. It sure is enough."

„No, it's not. I'm… I'm working too much and I know it but I can't… I _can't_ change it. It's not something I can influence in my job. And I can't do anything else either, not that I necessarily want to but if I would… I need the paycheck because this place is… I never would have moved here on my own. My ex and I split the rent after…" Briefly Lewis crosses her mind but she instantly shakes the thought. „And I would've moved out but then I needed the spare room because of Noah. And I want him to visit a good school, I want him to have every chance in the world to succeed in life but I feel like I'm constantly falling behind."

„There are so many working mothers and fathers, Olivia. It's not easy but he'll be just fine."

„He said he doesn't like me and that he wants an other mom because I'm never there," it breaks from her lips and suddenly her gaze drops and she swallows audibly. „H-he said that last week and I…I know…" Her voice cracks. She feels way too much, has drunk way too little wine.

„Honey, he did not mean that. He doesn't know what he saying, he's… he's five."

„I know. I know that, I know he didn't mean it like that, I know it was the only way for him to tell me how he feels about me being gone all the time but…," The waterworks are in full gear all of a sudden. „It hurts. And it feels like I'm getting it all wrong."

„You are not," he whispers against her ear, pulling her closer. „You're fantastic." He gets it now. It's the guilt that makes her want to keep up. She wants to be one of the mothers who throw themed birthday parties planned down to the very last detail. She wants to be the mother who presents the perfect cake because she can't be the mother who has plenty of time for her child. Everyone needs something to compensate their supposed shortcomings, even if those shortcomings only exist in their heads. It breaks his heart to hear the quiet sobs his girlfriend tries to stifle with the sleeve of her top. It is not the first time he hears Olivia doubting herself as a mother but it has never been this bad, breaking out and overpowering her. He strokes her arm, murmurs in her hair in an attempt at consolation as her warm body shakes in his lose embrace.

„I didn't k-know I was supposed to make a cake."

What he hears is wrong on so many levels. Why does anyone who's not an amateur baker even spend hours in the kitchen making layers of batter and whipping up icing, rolling fondant and decorating something that in most cases looks like a mishap? Since when do other people or even children mock perfectly tasty and nicely decorated cake from a pastry shop?

„You don't even bake," Tom points out softly, deciding to tread carefully as long as Olivia is so fragile.

„I know," she cries.

„Noah had a wonderful cake. Tasty cake. Best piece of cake I've ever had," Tom assures, trying to lift her spirits somehow. „Screw homemade. Screw Timothy's cake. So Mommy Rogers can bake, who the hell cares? That cake and those parties are just for show anyway. I bet behind the facade the woman lives a sad, sad life. Behind the townhouse and the white picket fence and the make-up and fake smiles? That woman's never once looked genuinely happy. And you haven't heard that from me but the gossip mill says her husband is constantly screwing hookers and has left her for his secretary last year, then moved back home after a month. I have no idea how accurate that is but where there's smoke there's usually fire."

„You're only saying that to cheer me up," she sniffles. Not that it should cheer her up, if any of it is true that would just be horrible for poor Mrs. Robbins and that despicable little brat Timothy. The mother seems to be nice from what Olivia can tell after a few short conversations.

„Honest to God, I'm not. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, ´livia. Doesn't mean that's the absolute truth. So you can't bake. Therefor you're a badass cop who's putting scum away. You're working hard to support yourself and your son and you spend every free minute with him and try to give him a wonderful time. And he knows that, Olivia. Remember a few months ago when we discussed the parent's jobs? He was so proud of telling everybody what you are doing and the kids were so excited about it and asked him a million questions. Timothy didn't have all that much to tell about his Dad and Mom. But you were quite popular with the munchkins."

„He wants to be a cop, too," she chuckles through her tears. „He always says he wants to be like me and put the bad people away."

„He sure does. So how can you ask for more? You're his role model. And he understands why you are working so much. But he's also a kid and kids are selfish because they only just start learning the whole empathy thing."

A minute passes and Olivia wallows in her misery and self-doubt. Her sleeve is mascara stained and moist.

„I'm sorry. I know I'm pathetic. This is….this is not me and you shouldn't have to…," she clears her throat and once again brushes her sleeve-clad wrist across the slope of her wet cheeks. „I'm just… so exhausted." She feels physically and emotionally drained after today.

„You are in no way pathetic. I won't pretend I know what it's like to walk in your shoes but I'd like to think by now I know you quite well. And you have been spreading yourself thin lately, what with the party and all? And then there's that pressure I'm sure you feel about Noah getting used to me being around and me being the man by your side. Plus work…," he sighs softly. „It's a lot, ´livia. It would be a hell of a lot for everyone.

And you know, you get this moment of doubt and you get to cry. But tomorrow you're going to get up and dust yourself off and you go right back to kicking ass. Okay?"

„O-okay," she nods into his shoulder and coughs a little. Now that she calms down the embarrassment washes over her. However human it is to cry, she never meant for Tom to see her like this, a total mess with mommy-son issues crying over… cake. Yeah, it is the cake that has brought about her downfall tonight. And the carpet.

„Good," he mumbles, kissing her temple. „And now let's just… take it easy for tonight. There's no rush and it's too late to clean this up anyway. There's always tomorrow. We'll empty that bottle of wine and stuff our faces with cake. How does that sound?"

„Sounds good," she sniffles and nods her face into his neck.

„Wanna watch a Potter movie?"

He considers it their thing. He'll forever be grateful to J. K. Rowling for the novels and their subsequent screen adaption. To Tom Harry Potter means homemade pizza and the first time he's treated Olivia Benson to the Tetley Movie Night experience, something they have since repeated, if only once. It's Spaghetti and comfort and nights of conversation in which he has learned the basics about his girlfriend.

„Can we?"

„Of course we can," he assures and gently touches his lips to hers, tasting salt and a sadness that he wishes he could kiss away.

…

Twenty-five minutes later Olivia is curled up on the couch, head in Tom's lap. His fingers play with her hair, his fingertips massaging her scalp as he moves. Her eyes have slipped closed a few minutes ago and her breath flows evenly in and out while the third Potter movie plays on her TV screen. After drowning in the sight of sleeping Olivia for a couple of minutes he reaches for the remote that has slipped off her thigh and onto the couch to turn down the volume. He decides to leave the movie on, knowing the lack of the flickering might wake her up. He remains in his spot for another ten minutes, which is when he is pretty sure she is fast asleep. Olivia's now open mouth is quite telling, as is the thin thread of saliva that has created a tiny wet stain on his jeans. He thinks her drooling is adorable. With caution he moves away from under her, careful to hold her head somewhat steady and let it slide onto the folded blanket that's always draped across the backrest of the sofa. Olivia stirs and smacks her lips, then exhales a puff of air before she stills again.

Taking in his surroundings Tom decides to clean up what he can. He throws the paper cups and plates in the recycling, puts the leftover cake in the fridge and tips out the beverage containers. Once he has taken care of the dishes the garlands and banners come off, the balloons follow. There are pieces of wrapping paper everywhere that go in the trash and finally he tidies the toys and does his best to get the slime out of her carpet. It takes him a good twenty minutes of gentle rubbing and scrubbing but in the end all he can see is a wet stain which he hopes will be completely invisible by morning.

The movie is long over by the time he pours himself the little that is left in the Merlot bottle and stretches out in front of the couch, turning on the news. He thinks that he could stay like this, here with her, knowing she's asleep right behind him while he watches the evening news and her son sleeps peacefully in his room. He hasn't yet spent a night since Noah knows, well the one time he has, he has left at 5:30 in the morning to not be caught by the boy. They are both agreeing that they don't want to sneak around because it no longer does their relationship justice. There will be no more intentional coming over late at night or getting out in the early morning hours when Noah is still asleep.

Tom hasn't been this comfortable in a long time, even sitting on the floor drinking wine out of a paper cup. This place feels warm and cozy. Olivia feels warm and cozy. When the news cast is over he turns his head, seeing Olivia still sleeping. One arm dangles half off of sofa and her hair looks a little messier than before. Gazing at her brings out that insane desire to touch her, except he doesn't want his girlfriend to wake up, not when she so obviously needs rest. And watching her and listen to her very faint snoring is quite nice, too.

…

When Olivia wakes up she blinks against the light the flickering TV screen casts across the room. She sees Tom's frame sitting right next to her at the hight of her chest. She has no idea what time it is but she figures late. Groaning softly she sits up a little.

„Hey beautiful," Tom rasps and turns his head. The smile on his face is only vaguely perceptible.

„What time is it?" Voice rough with sleep Olivia rubs her palm across her face.

„After midnight." He turns further towards her, keeping his eyes focused on the beautiful, sleepy brunette.

„Crap," she mutters and falls back, rubbing her eyes. „I'm sorry."

„Don't be. You needed it."

„Yeah, I guess." She stretches as much as her position on the sofa allows. „Come here." She sits up to make space for him, wondering if he's all stiff from sitting on the floor for an indefinite amount of time. Her gaze lands on the coffee table then before she scans the rest of her surroundings that have clearly changed for a better since she's fallen asleep. The coffee table is clear bar the now empty wine bottle and two paper cups. The banners are neatly folded. The mess of scattered toys, wrapping paper and God knows what else has been tidied up. What remains is the confetti and glitter. „Tom," she says softly, instantly feeling horrible about it. „You shouldn't have."

He catches on and smiles as he joins her on the couch. „It wasn't all that much." They both know this is incorrect. „I was bored." But that much is true.

One brow raises and he stops whatever is coming with a kiss. „Don't you worry about it, Olivia. I couldn't be here for it and help out." Olivia had asked but they both had come to agree that it wouldn't do anything for them if Noah's classmates told their parents that their teacher was at Noah's party, too. Until now they have been lucky enough not to draw any attention towards their relationship. If anybody knew it wasn't yet common knowledge. Everything still felt very much incognito. „I happily cleaned up. I left you the confetti and glitter, figured you'd appreciate that, Tinkerbell," he teases. Clearly he couldn't start the vacuum with Noah asleep so they both know he's talking shit.

„I bet that's why," she snorts but leans in and cups his cheek for another kiss. „Thank you."

„You're welcome."

„And sorry about earlier," she adds uncomfortably. „I didn't mean to unload my…whatever on you."

„Yeah, stop right there. I remember I unloaded _my_ whatever on you a couple of months ago. That's part of being in a relationship. If you've got _whatever_ going on…", he keeps using her term, „I fully expect you to unload it on me, okay? I'll be your dumpster."

„My dumpster?" She laughs.

„Your dumpster. And you don't need to worry about garbage separation. Whatever it is… just dump it on me."

Olivia wears a grin of amusement and pulls one leg up and slides her foot under her butt. Propping her elbow up onto her thigh she rests her chin in her palm, the fatigue and mental exhaustion from a few short hours ago defeated for the time being.

„I don't usually dump my stuff on people." If Olivia can help it she works through her baggage on her own. She hates to whine and bitch to others about her problems and worries and fears or about her past for that matter. A few times she has done it, of course. She has opened up to people she trusted when she felt the need to discuss something, when the weight of her issues got too heavy to carry on her own. But she isn't the poster child for entrusting herself to others, no matter if it's friends or her boyfriends. It has caused plenty of problems between her and Brian specifically when she couldn't and wouldn't open up about William Lewis. So as uncomfortable as her small breakdown earlier is in hindsight, maybe it is good for something. The last thing she wants is to close herself off in this relationship. She has plenty of baggage he has no idea about and she wouldn't disclose any of it anytime soon but she has also come to the point where she accepts that eventually she will be honest with Tom and let him in on the darkest parts of past.

„I never would have guessed," he teases around a smirk.

„Yeah, I'm subtle like that."

…

„So, mess and cake aside, was it a good party?" They are cuddled up on the couch, the TV casting a re-run of The Big Bang Theory. Tom absentmindedly plays with the hemline of Olivia's sweater, watching his fingers move.

„Hm, let's see. They liked the games, except for Jesse, she was a little shy but is it any wonder as the only girl between four older boys? Amanda took her home early. Noah was a happy camper because presents," she gave a meaningful glance. „There's new lego so have fun," Olivia taunts since Noah no longer accepted playing Lego with his mother after he's done it with Tom last week. „You're better at building whatever he tells you to. Says Noah."

„Do I hear naked spite?"

„Never," she grins, dropping her hand onto his, playing with his fingers. She inhales and lifts his hand up to her mouth and kisses his knuckles. „Do you stay?"

„What, the night?" He watches their entangled hands.

„Mhhm," Olivia nods and leans further into him. „Don't wanna be alone." It gets lonely in her bed, especially when she knows she could have Tom's warm body next to hers. Something tells her she might be prone a nightmare tonight and her boyfriend's proximity has been a reliable source in terms of safety and comfort. She is yet to have a nightmare or sleeping troubles when he is around so tonight she wants to sleep in his arms and let him fend off her terrors.

Tom's hand drops back down onto Olivia's stomach and he traces soft patterns against her covered skin. „You think that's a good idea? For me to be here tomorrow morning when Noah wakes up?" Although the kid knows, he doesn't want to confuse him by suddenly being there in his mother's bed when he hasn't been around the evening before.

„I think he'll be okay. I'm here to talk to him if he needs it and I can get up before he wakes up, which'll make it easier. We could say you came over for breakfast. Or simply be honest and tell him you helped with the clean up. He probably won't care as long as he gets pancakes."

„Sneaky," he mumbles, his finger lifting the material of her shirt just a little so his fingertips touch smooth and perfect skin. Muscles twitch beneath his touch. His mouth twitches with a fascinated smile in return. „I don't even have a change of clothes here. And by clothes I mean underwear."

„Oh, I have underwear." She grins, touching her forefinger to her bottom lip. „I've got… let's see…erm… high cut briefs. They shape too, so in case you've got love handles or a tummy to hide they're perfect. Or…or hipsters? No?"

She watches as his eyes brighten with her fake offering.

„Boyshorts?"

„Do I look like a cross dresser? Really now? No offense, I think your underwear is great. I'm all for seeing you in your underwear, taking off your underwear - but before I'd put it on I'd rather not wear any at all. Scratch that, it might be a little disgusting but I'd rather wear mine for a few days if need be."

„Oh, I don't know. People have secrets. There's no shame in liking women's underwear. Speaking of which… I think there's the one or other thong in my drawer somewhere." Which she hasn't worn in years. She should probably clear out her lingerie at some point.

„Thongs?" Now he looks at her with intrigue. „How come I've never seen them on you?"

„Because there comes a time when a thong looks ridiculous," she says matter-of-factly. „Which was when I gained like… fifteen to twenty pounds," she mocks herself. With age everything got a little softer.

„You can't tell me you have thongs and not model them."

„Sure I can," she laughs, seeing how it riles him up. „Since when are you an ass-man anyway?" Usually he is more breast-focused, not that he has ever avoided her behind.

„Oh, I'm an ass-man alright," he assures moving in chuckling and kissing her. „I can show you just how much of an ass-man I am." To make his point he reaches around her and shoves one hand beneath her butt and squeezes tightly. „Hm… nice," he breathes against her lips, making the brunette cackle and tip her head back.

She realizes in that instant that it must have been two decades since she has last kidded around with a lover, since she has been carefree enough to do so despite her past, despite her job, despite all the darkness she sees and hears about on a daily basis. It is Tom who is responsible for it. He shows her how to be carefree, how to have fun and not be so damned serious all the time and he is probably not even aware of it.

For the first time Olivia Benson feels like a _normal_ person. It feels like she's no longer alien.

…

„Are you still awake?"

„Hm."

„Penny for your thoughts?" They have moved to the bedroom twenty minutes ago and Olivia has a hard time settling down because of her two hour nap earlier.

Tom shifts and turns onto his side, facing the woman beside him. „Would you still want me if I was a crossdresser?" He tries to sound serious but his stomach spasms with quiet bursts of laughter when he hears Olivia snort.

„That depends. Do I have to be part of it? Because I honestly think that would be a little… much for me."

„I see. So I gotta wear your dresses in secret. Shame." He places a kiss on her forehead. „Can't you sleep?"

„I'm trying," she mumbles and hooks one leg around his thighs, wrapping herself around him. „You shouldn't have let me sleep earlier."

„You were exhausted." Fingers comb through dark locks of hair. „And you're making this no sex thing really hard when you're dry-humping my leg."

„I'm not dry-humping your anything. I'm cuddling."

„You mean your lady parts are cuddling. With my thigh." The flimsy little number she calls panties are really useless as a barrier. His hand snakes from her arm to her side and over the slope of her well-rounded hip.

„You complaining?"

„I'm saying you're not making it easy for me not to want you when you're rubbing up to me."

„I'm not." She shifts, trying to get comfortable and find the perfect position to sleep.

„Sure you are. See."

„I'm moving. Moving is not _rubbing up_ to you," she chuckles. „This is really hard for you, hm? A week without sex?"

„I'm trying to be supportive and I accept this - but I still say the no period sex thing is stupid. You're at the end anyway."

Olivia has been more than just a little surprised when she had first turned down sex when she was menstruating and he had said he doesn't mind. She knows it's a thing but it's not a thing she has ever engaged in because she needs that sense of cleanliness. And during that time of month Olivia doesn't feel sexy. She's bloated, sore and the idea of sex is just… gross. So it's a mystery to her how Tom can not care.

„It's… messy." She imagines crime scene messy. And it's the best she can come up with.

„Sex is always a little messy. You've got towels…"

She laughs and hides her face in his neck, wholly embarrassed to be having this conversation. „Tom, seriously… ‚you've got towels' is not very convincing and I'm sorry but… it's not gonna happen. Probably not ever. Is it some new age thing that men are into period sex these days?" Nobody has ever made the proposition before and when Tom did she about wanted to crawl into a cave and die. To think they'd…while she…no. Just…no.

„There's a difference between being into it and not caring about it. I don't like it better, I don't dislike it either. It's just… fluids." Maybe at age twenty he still would have been grossed out by the idea of it but at this point in his life he thinks there's no reason not to have sex during that time. However, for Olivia it seems to be a touchy subject and while he is all for discussing it, he's not going to beg her either. But Jesus, she really needs to stop pressing herself up to him like that because there's only so much willpower he has around her.

„Making my period a subject of discussion is really making me uncomfortable even though it's the most natural thing in the world. Call me old or prude but… can we not to that? Can this… just be my personal business now and in the future? Please?" Her voice is thin and quiet and she feels awfully put on the spot. When Olivia grew up it was simply not a thing people talked about. She knows times have changed and that menstruation and sex and basically anything else very private is fair game in terms of public narrative but she's just… old school like that. She rather has her business tucked away for just herself. Right now Olivia is grateful for the darkness or else Tom would see how fiercely the conversation makes her blush.

He can hear the insecurity and understands why it's a delicate subject. „Of course."

„Okay. Thank you," she says softly. Stroking his cheek Olivia moves in to kiss him. „Thank you," she repeats. „Next time. I promise."

„Don't promise or I'll have to hold you to that. You might just fall asleep on me again."

„That happened _one_ time. One single time." She combs her fingers through his thick hair. „And to be fair, I fell asleep before, not during."

„Semantics," he grumbles and kisses her neck.

„And now you're not playing fair."

„That's what you get for riding my thigh."

„I am not riding your thigh."

„Well, sitting on my thigh and moving then."

„I'm trying to get comfortable you idiot," she swats his arm with a laugh. „You are unbelievable."

„Oh, I know," he boasts.

„That was not a compliment, Tetley."

„Oh, now that's just sexy, you getting all upset and using my last name."

„Stop it," she laughs, swatting him again. „Go to sleep. Leave my neck alone."

„You don't mean that. You love when I kiss your neck." She squirms as he licks her pulse point. „See?"

„Goodnight. Sleep. Now. Please."

„You're such a spoil sport, ´livia." She feels his grin against her sensitive skin.

„Deal with it."

…

 **End notes: Next Chapter Olivia and Noah meeting Tom's parents anyone? Yes?**


	52. Scrambled Eggs Part I

**A/N: Thank you guys for the lovely reviews and PMs, always happy to get those. It's also super refreshing to hear what some of you would like to see in this story and realize I already have it planned and outlined for future chapters. So here is the next chapter and this will be a two-parter. I hope Part II will be up soon. Enjoy you sweet people.**

 **...**

 **Scrambled Eggs Part I**

Within the next weeks Olivia, Noah and Tom fall into an easy groove. Tom comes by more often. They have dinner together at least once a week and he joins their weekend activities when he can. It's still very balanced. He's not hanging around their place all the time but he's becoming a more permanent fixture in Olivia's home and life. Noah takes to Tom more and more. They play with his Lego together and he reads the boy stories and teaches him new stuff on the guitar outside of their lessons at school. A couple of times they have even been to the playground without Olivia when she needed some time to get ready or catch up on paperwork. It's a gradual process but they all feel comfortable with amount of time they spend together. Parents at school know by now that there is _something_ going on between Noah's mother and the teacher of their children. It is no surprise they have caught on because Noah has surely mentioned their afternoon and weekend activities with Tom, or the fact that his pre-school teacher spends time at their home and even stays for sleepovers. They have never briefed Noah about what he can or can't say, deciding that this is _their_ issue and should never become Noah's. They have gone into telling Noah with their eyes wide open. It has sparked curiosity and whispers in the mornings. Tom and Olivia both are hyper aware of the not always subtle glances they get as of late.

With April approaching fast they have started talking about Noah and Olivia coming out to Long Island to meet Tom's parents and Rebecca for Easter. Since Christmas his twin sister's husband has moved out and she has gone from crying and begging and trying to understand to officially and totally hating her ex's guts. After many conversations Olivia has agreed and accepted his mother's invitation to spend Easter with them. After her colleagues and Noah, meeting Tom's family is definitely the last big step to take.

Olivia knows meeting the parents can be a minefield because there will be questions and she'll be expected to answer a fair share of them. Sound easy? Not at all. Because as innocent and good-natured those questions might be, the answers are loaded in Olivia's case. It starts with the parents and man, if there aren't plenty reasons why she doesn't want them to know even the basics about her father and her not so ideal upbringing by her drunk mother then she really doesn't know. Then there's work. Talking about work and hobbies is absolutely socially accepted. It is even encouraged. But it's not all that easy to explain your job motivation when you are chasing rapists and child molesters for a living. Unfortunately not even questions about Noah are easy to answer.

 _Is the father in the picture? He's adopted, oh, did you ever meet or know anything about the biological parents?_

Minefield. Huge, terrifying minefield. Not that she is in any way ashamed to tell how baby Noah found his way into the Benson house and heart but it's simply delicate and loaded with things she doesn't want to tell her partner's parents right away. She'd leave a hell of an impression if she'd unload all her personal baggage on their doorstep the first time around.

The thing is, Olivia wants to be liked and accepted by Tom's parents. He makes no secret of how much his parents mean to him and that they are good people. And he has all the faith in the world that they will _love_ her and Noah. She'd hate to prove him wrong. The very last thing she wants is for an awkward first encounter to leave a sour taste in their mouths. That they'd perceive her as some odd, messed up woman who's not a good fit for their son. Olivia knows she is very different from his ex and that especially his mother had _adored_ the ex. So in Olivia's mind she has her work cut out for her.

She doesn't worry about Noah in the least. He's a cute kid and a real charmer and from what Olivia has gathered from Tom his Mom is a sucker for children and babies. She has already been warned that Alice will spoil her son rotten in that one day. Usually she'd halt any over the top spoiling of her child but in this particular case she'll sit tight and allow it to not make the impression of a terrible mother hen who watches the sugar intake of her offspring like a hawk and gets all pissy about it, too.

All of it sound complicated but doable in theory. However, she doesn't want to pretend to be someone she is not. So finding that balance of being true to herself without giving away too much is quite a challenging task.

…

 **Easter 2017**

They arrive and as Tom parks the car Olivia already sees the woman she believes to be Tom's mother on the front porch, bundled up in what appears to be an unzipped red all-weather jacket, her arms crossed in front her stomach. Next to her stands Rebecca, the strawberry-blonde younger woman Olivia has first seen in a picture at Tom's apartment and met very briefly a few weeks later. On the front lawn a little girl ran around and chased something Olivia couldn't see. Instantly Olivia's stomach drops. Tom's sister is the most important person in his life, she knows this much, so she'd have to win Rebecca over. The woman in red waves as Rebecca steps down the stairs of the porch, making her way past her mother and towards the car. The older woman follows and Olivia nervously unfolds her hands and unbuckles her seat belt.

„Mommy, there's a swing!" Noah's squeal almost puts her out of the seat and Tom chuckles next to her. The drive has been pleasant but a few minutes ago with their impending arrival Olivia has gotten quieter and started playing with her fingers like they were the most fascinating thing she's ever seen. He knows she wants to make a good impression and he can't for the life of him understand what she's so worried about because his mother is probably the most affable person in this world. She has never expected anything but a nice and honest personality in her children's partners and Olivia is definitely nice and honest and honorable.

„Neat, huh?" Tom asked. „That used to be mine and my sister's," Tom told the excited boy.

„Really? You had a swing for yourself?"

„Yeah. It goes pretty high, too. Want to try it out later?"

„Can I?"

„Of course you can, Buddy. Let's say hello first, though. There'll be plenty of time after lunch for you to play and discover. We have a huge backyard." He sees Noah's blue eyes widen. Backyards are a rare thing in New York City. „And we have plenty of things to play. Do you know Kubb?"

„No, I don't." Olivia tears her glance away from the two women that are slowly coming closer and the conversation between Tom and her son makes her feel slightly less nervous - which is still I-wanna-throw-up nervous.

„I'll show you later, it's fun. Mom can play, too."

„Sure," Olivia agrees distractedly with a small smile and feels Tom's hand squeeze her thigh. „It'll be great," he assures softly. „They're going to love you."

Well, at least he has no doubt. That makes one of them. Shakily she exhales. She hopes they will at least _like_ her.

„Let's do this, hm," he beams and rubs her jeans-clad thigh once again before he is the first to get out of the car just in time as his sister and mother reach the vehicle.

„Becca," he hugs his sister tightly, almost lifting her shorter frame off the ground before he lets go of her and pulls his mother into a much more gentle hug. In the meantime Olivia exits the car and waits a moment. The younger woman already has her green eyes set on her and it's only a couple of seconds before Tom walks around the car and is by her side. She decides to help Noah unbuckle first and within a few seconds her son hops out of the car, too.

„Mom, Rebecca," Tom says, walking both Olivia and Noah closer to his mother and sister. „This is Olivia. And this is her son Noah."

„It's great to see you again," Rebecca instantly offers and steps closer, shaking Olivia's hand with no hesitance at all. Green eyes take his brother's girlfriend of eight months in with recognition but she also studies the brunette's face and gesticulation. Both tell her that Olivia is flustered. As much as one would expect. She herself remembers too well how horrible it feels to make that first courtesy visit and have all eyes on you.

„Oh, you too Rebecca. Thank you," Olivia says. Next up is Tom's mother and Olivia realizes that the woman has one of the kindest smiles she has ever seen. It is warm and inviting and instantly calms Olivia's nervousness a little. His mother can't possibly be a horrible person and smile like this, can she?

„Mrs. Tetley, thank you so much for having us. It's a pleasure to meet you," Olivia offers with her outstretched hand, expecting a handshake like from Rebecca. However, before she realizes what's happening she finds herself in a cordial hug. Normally Olivia would find this transgressive but although surprising it doesn't fee as uncomfortable.

„Please, it's Alice, and we're lucky to have you. We couldn't wait to finally meet you." Alice releases her and pets her upper arm, taking her son's girlfriend in once more before her focus shifts to the boy.

„And little Noah, we're happy to have you here. I don't know if you have heard but there'll be a big Easter egg hunt after lunch."

„Really?" Noah himself has never participated in a real Easter egg hunt. Olivia hid colored eggs all over the apartment for Easter but an actual egg hunt isn't easily organized in New York City.

„Oh yes. We're going to start in the yard and then take a long walk."

„Right, the kids will have a blast." Tom agrees and looks at Olivia. „That's another big thing here. We take the egg hunting really seriously in this family." She smiles and hears his sister snort with what she believes is a certain memory or maybe an inside joke.

„I hope you've brought a jacket," Alice asks.

„Oh yes, it's in the car." Her jacket has come off early during the car ride and is now somewhere on the backseat.

„That's good, Dear. It's getting rather chilly out here after a bit," she explains. „Let's go inside. There's coffee. You drink coffee right, Olivia? Mind you, I can make you something else if you prefer tea? There's also juice."

„Coffee is fine, Mrs. -… Alice."

„How was church, Mom?" Tom decides to get his mother a little distracted and give his girlfriend some breathing room. Olivia falls a few steps behind with Noah as suddenly Rebecca shows up next to her with her daughter tucked against her hip who is offering a toothy toddler grin.

„You'll be fine, you know? As long as you don't insult our mother's cooking you can only ace this," Rebecca smiles as she sashays towards the porch. Olivia's insecurity has been palpable from the start. From Rebecca's experience no-one likes these first time encounters with the parents. You don't know what's going to hit you, if they are genuinely nice people or assholes. The thing is, even if it's the latter, you can't really tell the person you're dating that their parents are total jerks. And even if they aren't the devil in a disguise of Mom and Dad it's always somewhat awkward because they might compare you to the ex or, and that can be worse, stare at you the entire time.

Olivia makes a tight smile appear. Of course she does not plan on insulting Alice's cooking but now she really hopes it will be good. Is she expected to finish her plate? Where does the insulting part begin? If Rebecca tries to make her feel better the mission has failed. Completely.

Rebecca snorts and shakes her head. „That was a joke, Olivia. Relax." The strawberry-blonde wants to push a stiff drink in the brunette's hands. Something to take the edge off.

„A joke? Oh," she says. „Sorry, I'm… I don't have too much experience when it comes to… this," she gestures around her.

„Yeah, I bet the horror stories out there don't help much either, hm? I mean, there are terrible in-laws out there." She tries to lighten the mood and hopefully make Olivia see it's not going to be too bad. „Our parents are quite alright, there are basically no expectations except the person should make us happy. Which means you will be just fine. And Mom's over the moon with you anyway. It's the whole thing with his ex and him being all unhappy and not dating for four years. And well, then along came you," Rebecca makes a dismissive gesture with her hand to indicate this whole thing will be a walk in the park.

„Wow. So no pressure at all, hm?" Olivia asks. In fact it is intimidating to hear they set so much hope in this relationship. They reach the porch and Noah grasps Olivia's hand as they are to set foot into the still unknown house.

„I know talk about the ex sucks and is unnecessary but she F-U-C-K-E-D him up alright. So it's not so much expectations Mom has, she's just grateful you helped him out of that slump he was in for years." She spelled the f-word since Olivia's son is definitely old enough to swear and Abby is starting to repeat about anything she hears, too. „But don't worry, Mom's not going to bring her up and Dad… he's pretty laid back," Rebecca assures as they step inside Tom's childhood home. „He would've come out but his arthritis is killing him today so I told him it's ridiculous. Luckily he isn't as stubborn as the female side of this family," she smiles and guides Olivia inside and towards the living room where Alice and Tom stand. Olivia looks around and can instantly see why Tom still loves to spend time here. It is homey and cozy with pictures everywhere. In the center of the room there is a big sofa that easily accommodates the bigger part of the family and two armchairs, one of which is occupied by Tom's father. Further in the back of the spacious living area the dining table is set and the aroma of coffee is thick in the air.

„Come on in, Olivia," Alice ushers with her words and Olivia walks past Tom. She would like nothing better than grab his hand and not let go but squeezes past her boyfriend instead. When she feels his hand against the small of her back she almost breathes a sigh of relief.

„Dad, this is Olivia - Olivia, my Dad, Bill." Tom insists on presenting the woman by his side to his father. As nervous as Olivia has been even since before their arrival he is not going to leave her high and dry.

The man in front of her smiles and tries to get up and Olivia can tell it must be causing him a great deal of discomfort. She darts towards him and stretches out her hand. „Oh, please sit Mr. Tetley. It's a pleasure to meet you." She takes his bony, slightly shaky hand. There seems to be a significant difference when it comes to the health condition of Tom's parents. Alice looks fit for her age, a face of adorned by rosy cheeks, she seems to get around easily whereas her husband looks pale and exhausted. His attempt to get out of his chair had been a little painful to watch so Rebecca hasn't exaggerated - his arthritis must be bad.

„Nice to meet you, too. How was the trip?" The words come a little slower and are a mumble.

„Oh, it was good." As good as a trip can be. No accidents on the way, not even a single tie-up. Noah's head pops up from behind Olivia and Bill smiles and leans forward.

„And who's this young fella?" Suddenly shy the boy goes back to hiding behind his mother.

„This is Noah," Tom offers and gives the boy a moment.

…

Ten minutes later, after a bathroom break because Noah had to pee and a subsequent tour of the house and the Tetley property (and it really is an impressive backyard) the coffee table is occupied by everyone. Bill has had help to get up and it is rather obvious that the man has plenty of health problems and probably couldn't get by on his own. With Rebecca and Tom present there luckily is no such thing as awkward silence, one of the siblings has something to say at any given time and Olivia is grateful for it. It takes some of the attention off of her.

Abby, Tom's niece, sits on the floor with a few Schleich animals and shows them to everyone and expects to be asked what kind of animal it is and what sound is makes. Olivia can see now why her boyfriend gushes after every visit. The girl's giggles are addictive and her rendition of a rooster to die for. She really is the sweetest thing besides chocolate. Speaking of which - _SHIT._

Of course Olivia has all but forgotten about the hospitality gift that is still in her purse. In the car. There is no way she can get away from this table now without looking like an idiot. She probably already made a terrible first impression by showing up empty handed, no matter how often Tom had repeated that no gift is expected. These things are always expected, aren't they? It all goes down to the first impression and showing up with nothing - well, that just screams _I don't give a damn about this meeting._ The only option left is to hand over the gift before they leave. The first impression will still be screwed up but maybe they won't hate her entirely.

The realization strips Olivia of every bit of self-confidence, so Alice's question hits her like a brick wall - in the head.

„Olivia, Tom said you're working for the NYPD?" Here they come, the inevitable questions about her life. This should be so easy but yet here she is, fumbling for words.

„Um… yes. Yes, that's right." Shit. She is probably expected to tell them a little more than that because now there is the dreaded awkwardness that takes hold of the entire room.

„What exactly do you do?" Rebecca jumps in to the rescue and receives a grateful smile from Tom. Talking about her the nature of her job isn't easy for Olivia, at least not under these circumstances.

„Oh, I'm, I'm a Lieutenant and I'm Acting Commanding Officer of the Special Victims Unit in Manhattan." Courtesy Rebecca's prop this is now getting easier. „I've worked for SVU for eighteen years now, started out as detective, eventually took the Sergeant's exam a few years ago and ran the department and finally I made Lieutenant a while ago."

She sees Alicia's eyes fill with question and confusion and it dawns on Olivia that maybe she can't make use of the term ‚Special Victims'. After all there was no such thing back then and Tom's parents are both over seventy years old.

„And what exactly does your unit do, Dear?"

„Well, we handle sexually based crimes for the most part. Domestic violence, too," Olivia says slowly and ducks her head to blow into her coffee.

„Eighteen years and you kept your sanity?" Rebecca scoffs. It's unimaginable how strong some people in that field are. „I wouldn't last a day."

„Many seasoned detectives don't. We're not exactly a favorite in the NYPD, very few give Special Victims a shot and even fewer stick around for very long. It's not as cut and dry as say… burglary or even homicide. It's tough to deal with traumatized victims." She doesn't mention children intentionally, no need to go there.

„May I ask… how did you end up there?" It's Rebecca who's asking the questions and Olivia isn't sure if it's because Alice and Bill are intimidated by what she does or simply don't want to pry because of the nature of her job. Or maybe they still aren't fully aware what all her job entails. Sexually based crimes is an extensive term after all. The question is one of those that Olivia had feared but she tries to answer it as casually as possible.

„Well, there was an opening and I considered it for a bit and then decided to give it a shot and despite the nature of the job," she shrugs and makes a weak smile disappear because she doesn't even buy it herself. But Rebecca doesn't know about her past. At least Olivia is pretty sure she doesn't, technically there is the possibility that Tom has mentioned something to his sister. „Somebody has got to do it. That sounds odd because it might as well be somebody else but… I found purpose there and at this point it's hard to imagine to do anything else."

„So you've never tried something else?"

„Oh, I have actually. Um… I've worked for Computer Crimes for a little while when I felt I needed a break and reevaluate if I still wanted to work in the same unit. I mean, it easily gets to you. And I've worked with the Feds for a few months. I've tried. But something always… brought me back."

For a moment there is silence. Under the table Tom reaches over and gently squeezes her thigh, a gesture of support. It also says that this part of the _interrogation_ is over. Collective sips of coffee are taken around the table.

„So, you've lived in New York for a long time," Alice concludes.

„Oh, yes. Born and raised in the city, actually. My mother was an english professor at Hudson."

„You didn't follow in her footsteps then."

„The idea of teaching has never really crossed my mind at the time. I really wanted to… help people in need and make some kind of difference."

„We always try to persuade Tom to move back here." Bill tells Olivia as if the conversation hadn't moved on from her hometown and Tom's place of residence.

„I can see why. It's a beautiful town." She hasn't seen to much of Tom's hometown but she can see the appeal. The immediate proximity to the beach, the many trees, the family homes with the immaculate gardens, the quiet. It certainly is a nice place to raise children and grow old.

„It is. We've spent our entire lives here," Alice smiles. „We bought the house when we were just what? Twenty-three?"

„Right. Right after we got married," Tom's father nods with conviction. Nobody cares to correct him because they got married at age eighteen and nineteen. Olivia is none the wiser.

„You have a beautiful home. It must have been amazing growing up here. I wish I would have had a backyard like that to play in as a kid. I mean, we have the parks in New York but it's…"

„Hardly the same," Tom says.

„Yeah," Olivia agrees. „I mean, there's plenty of housing in New York, Queens can be affordable for a family but in Manhattan…"

„Yeah, forget it, right. And mostly it's tiny backyards then, too. Nothing like this."

„I agree. Probably impossible to find anything close to this. At least nothing that's affordable. I've toyed with the idea of renting a house with a small yard for Noah but it's hardly worth the daily commute to Manhattan. My partner has done that for years…"

„It seems crazy. Tom lived in a house before and he pays more in rent now for that tiny apartment than he did for an entire house with a yard," Alice complains, unable to grasp how life in the city can be so very expensive.

„To be fair, it was a rent-to-own and we knew the owner so he came our way significantly from what he was asking initially, the place was really low-priced in rent considering." Tom can hear his parent's longing for him to move back to Long Island but since he has met Olivia the chances of that happening have dropped from a maybe to not a chance in hell. He isn't going to put a two-hour drive between them and whenever their relationship is going to progress to the point where they will talk moving in together, it's not going to be on Long Island. He doesn't have to ask to know Olivia isn't going to give up her job - and he would never expect her to.

„Rental prices in the city are crazy, especially Manhattan," Olivia nods in Alice's direction. „My first apartment in the Bronx was affordable - well, considering New York rental prices but it was also a rathole. I moved in, straight from the Academy and the entire place smelled of cat urine. I never really got that stench out, I couldn't afford to move again and I was too proud to ask my mother to help me out financially because she wasn't too happy with my chosen career path."

„Ew, that sound horrible," Rebecca pulls a face. „And you stayed there?"

„For almost two years. I started out as a Probationary Patrol Officer, moved as soon as I had a few months as Patrol Officer under my belt. I mean, you know how it goes, I had rent to pay, student loans to pay off and starting out I didn't make a whole lot of dough," she rolls her eyes and runs a hand through her brown hair. „It was not the best time of my life."

„Is it a long way to where you are now? I have no idea of ranks." Tom's parents are listening and especially his mother seems very interested as Rebecca keeps asking things.

Olivia thought back for a moment. „Let's see it was Probationary Patrol Officer, Patrol Officer then Junior Detective, that's when I joined Special Victims in… um… 1998, 1999. Then it was Senior Detective, took my Sergeant's exam in 2014, acted as Commanding Officer and then made it Lieutenant. So, I guess you can say it's been a long road. I never really planned on it, either. The opportunities arose and I was asked if I would consider it and I just saw no reason not to go for it. I think it all worked out for the best, though. With rank comes a better salary and with a child that makes a big difference."

„Hence the much better apartment than mine," Tom points out and chuckles. „Her place is great."

„My place is going to get too small soon enough. It's a small 3-bedroom and it's getting a little crowded now that Noah gets bigger."

„Oh, I can imagine."

„It was his birthday in February and we had four kids and a colleague of mine over and I couldn't _move_. I bet that has never been an issue here."

„We were lucky to get this house. Mind you, our parents thought it was way too big for a small family, by which they meant young folks like us. It payed off when those two came," Alice reminisced.

A nasal chuckle stretches across the table, coming from Rebecca. „Of course that one was never planned," she gives a single nod towards Tom, provoking her twin brother.

„Oh, don't say that to your brother," Alice scolds. „It's not true," she assures to Olivia with a dapper wave of her hand. Of course it had been a huge and unexpected surprise to find out they were expecting twins but after an initial moment of shock Alice had been looking forward to it.

„It is though," Rebecca tries to convince Olivia with a looming grin. „After our two brothers Mom desperately wanted to try for a girl. She probably never would have thought she'd get more than she had bargained for." Rebecca had always loved to tease her brother, however upset it made her Mom.

„We never once regretted either of you. They were beautiful babies," Alice gushes.

„Don't bother dredging up the photo album, Mom," Tom warns instantly, getting an idea where this might be going.

„Oh, why not, you were the cutest kid and I bet Olivia would love to see some pictures." His mother is already getting up from the table and Rebecca is quivering with stifled laughter.

„Mom - Olivia sure doesn't want to…," Tom is interrupted by the brunette who finds Tom's embarrassment rather amusing. This whole thing is so cliché that it seems unreal. In Olivia's opinion so far Alice seems to be the sweetest person. No kidding, the woman is golden and if she doesn't like Olivia then she is pretty good at not making her feel unwelcome.

„Oh, but I do," she assures. „I love pictures." And she doesn't say it to rile her boyfriend up, Olivia really has a thing for photographs, for memories made because the one photo album her mother has left behind is only semi-full. Olivia has never seen many picture of her childhood which is a reason she takes plenty of pictures of Noah. She never wants him to have to look back and realize that his childhood wasn't important enough to be documented in pictures and videos.

„You are so screwed, she'll leave you when she sees your thirteen-year old self," Tom's sister teases. „Then again you really improved."

„Shut up," he laughs, knowing it's nothing to take seriously from his sister. It is their usual banter.

Alice walks around the table to Olivia and puts a hand on her son's girlfriend's shoulder, seemingly having no reservations at all although they have met only half an hour ago. But Olivia can't say that it's uncomfortable. „Let's go sit on the couch, take your coffee," Alice tells her son't girlfriend.

„Mom, why don't you show Olivia that video of Tom's surprise for your birthday. You know, the one when he was eleven."

„No, Mom, you won't do that," he says quickly and points his finger at his sister. „This means payback, Rebecca Joanne Tetley. And you know it's going to be a bi-„

„Language," Alice warns him. „There are children in this room."

„Oh, you know what it is," he mutters although he would love to say the word bitch out loud.

„That the two of you always have to go at each other," Alice shakes her head. Bill doesn't seem too bothered by the whole situation, she isn't even sure he follows the entire string of conversation or zones out throughout.

„Let me have some fun, Mom. It's the only source of joy I have these days," Rebecca throws in.

„I know, honey. But that doesn't mean you have to annoy your brother all the time. We know you are going through a lot."

Tom looks at his sister with wide eyes and his quiet hiss is met with Rebecca's laughter. „You are really milking the _My husband has left me_ situation, aren't you?

„Hell yes, I'm done crying and all about reaping the benefits."

He has a feeling it's all just an act but keeps his mouth shut. He is not going to make any of this about his sister.

…

Tom used to be a really cute child with red hair and glasses and a pair of dimples to die for that that are hidden beneath a full beard these days. For the first time Olivia really thinks the facial hair needs to go. She misses these dimples and if she should ever miss the beard Tom can grow it back.

As a fourteen-year old he was very lean kid with a bit of a crooked, insecure smile and pimples all over his face while Rebecca had hit the gene pool jackpot. Her skin had been pale but smooth and covered in freckles and green eyes lit up entire pictures. Rebecca had been, hands down, gorgeous.

Tom had made a handsome prom date, the pimples vanished and the leanness replaced with a more muscular figure. He went with Veronica Nobody-Remembers-Her-Full-Name-But-It-Was-Something-Polish-Sounding. Thirty years ago when Olivia still believed she had a type, she never would have given Thomas Tetley a second glance although she has to admit he was kind of cute. Maybe it's the red hair. She certainly has not been into redheads when she was younger.

Alice flips through two albums with Olivia and there is an anecdote matching every page, most of them funny, a few of them sad but all of them very entertaining. She gets a better understanding of how Tom grew up and what kind of child and teenager he has been. She feels a sting in the pit of her stomach because she wishes her own upbringing had been something closer to what she has seen in all these pictures.

Tom and his family for Christmas. A huge turkey on the table for Thanksgiving when an eight-year old Thomas was allowed to help his father carve the bird. Excessive birthday parties. Family trips to the beach, walks in the forest. The four Tetley kids playing with their puppy.

She wants these things. For Noah. She wants him to have a life that must have been so much more carefree, more suitable for a child than her own rather rough upbringing had been. She knows her mother had tried her best. Olivia has been born into very different circumstances. But who wouldn't want to trade loving parents and siblings for an alcoholic mother. Or a spacious house with a big backyard full of opportunities for the dirty streets of New York City.

By the time they are through Abby has been fed and put down for a nap and everyone else complains about being hungry. Since Alice is going to cook for dinner she has prepped sandwiches for lunch and just for Noah fries and nuggets. They are the best sandwiches Olivia has ever had, cut in perfect triangles with smoked salmon, onions, lettuce and a honey mustard sauce or grilled chicken, lettuce, tomato, cheddar and barbecue sauce. That sandwich bread is homemade. And so delicious it is to die for. Olivia has tried plenty of sandwiches from plenty of diners, delis. She has never had anything better than this, though. She swears she can taste the love Alice has made those sandwiches with with every single bite. If she can make something as simple as sandwiches taste so heavenly, Olivia can hardly wait for whatever her boyfriend's mother is going to serve for dinner.

After lunch Tom takes Noah up to his old childhood bedroom, to show him some of his old Lego and action figures that are still stored under the bed and Olivia, after basically imposing, helps Alice to stack the dishes in the dishwasher. Of course she would have loved to go with Tom and her son but she didn't want to appear ungrateful or like she has no interest in interacting with his family without Tom present. The women work alongside each other for a little while until Olivia decides to speak up.

„You really have a lovely home, Alice. And I can only repeat how delicious those sandwiches were." Olivia is not at all for schmoozing somebody but every word is true. The house and property are amazing, a place where Olivia has instantly felt welcome and comfortable.

„Thank you, you are too kind," Alice smiles, glad that Olivia has finally spoken up. She has promised Tom not to impose on his girlfriend and go easy on her. „So, Tom mentioned you met at school?"

Olivia turns to look at Alice, absentmindedly rubbing her pinky finger across neck. „Yeah. He's… he's Noah's teacher so that's… um… that's where we met."

„He hasn't really told us much except your name and that he's Noah's teacher."

„Really? Oh well… maybe… I don't know, there's not too much to tell I suppose." She understands the urge to know, after all she would like to know these things about Noah too one day. „We had one very brief encounter at a store near the school and a few weeks later Tom asked me out. But it's… it's been a bit of back and forth for a while. I didn't think I should date my son's teacher and… there were just a few things that I thought made everything too complicated but he… um… Tom's been very persistent and sweet," she smiles, blushing. She is surprised she is even sharing this much. „At some point it was no longer a matter of choice, I guess," Olivia chuckles sheepishly. And it is true. Tom had stolen Olivia's heart long before she even realized it. „In hindsight I'm glad he didn't give up when I first tried to blow him off."

„He's so secretive about these things. He hasn't shared anything about you at all. I know you are special to him and he feels protective of everything and everyone he cares about but you'd think he'd at least give his mother _something,"_ the older woman chuckles but shakes her head. She'd be much sadder if she hadn't gotten used to it in all these years. Tom has definitely always been the least forthcoming among her children. He has always confided in Rebecca instead.

Olivia feels slightly guilty and lowers her head. „I think that might be my fault. I haven't said anything to him but I think his reticence is a result of my initial insecurities. Because I hear about you and his sibling all the time and I'm sure he's wanted to tell you about me long before Christmas."

„Oh no, trust me it's certainly not been you. He's got Rebecca to talk to, we've always been the last people to know. Let me tell you, us mothers, we want to know."

„I understand that."

„Has he met your family?" And here it comes just when Olivia is about to close the dishwasher and thought she'd get off without her own family history coming up.

„My mother passed a long time ago and there's no-one else left," Olivia explains. She doesn't bring up Simon because the whole thing is too complicated and she isn't willing to get in touch with him again, either so there is no point. „I know she would have loved to meet Tom."

„Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard."

That sums it up quite nicely, Olivia thinks. „It's not always easy," the brunette agrees with a tight smile. „I'm sorry that Noah has no grandparents. I myself have… adjusted. As much as is possible."

„He has no grandparents on his father's side either?"

„Unfortunately he doesn't. Noah is adopted, so there is neither a father nor any grandparents in the picture. It's just… us." So this part of the story is out and Olivia glances at Alice for her reaction. The smile she has worn is still on her lips but it is more somber now as layers of emotion wash over the older woman.

„I don't want to overstep, Olivia because it's probably too soon but you are most welcome here. You are part of our son's life and as far as I'm concerned that makes you and your son part of this family. It makes no difference to either of us if you've been together for eight months or eight years. This is a tight-knit family and we don't do exclusion."

If this was anybody else Olivia would quirk a skeptical eyebrow. However, this is Tom's mother and her boyfriend has stressed what a lovely person his mother is. She also recalls Rebecca's words from when they walked up to the house earlier. It is hard to grasp because strictly speaking Alice doesn't know the first thing about Olivia, she doesn't _know_ Olivia, and yet she is inviting her and her son to be a part of her family - to be part of something Olivia has always wanted. Desperately. She feels oddly out of place and out of her own body. She is also completely floored. Of course the relationship with Tom's family will have to grow but it is good to know that the door is wide open.

„I… I don't know what to say other than thank you. That… it means a lot." Olivia knows that it will also mean the world to Tom although it's unlikely to come as much of a surprise to him. The older woman flashes her a brilliant smile, very much like the one she had seen on Alice when they had first met outside a couple of hours ago as her quick hands cover the leftover sandwiches with saran wrap before the platter goes in the fridge.

„I just thought you should know. Especially under your special circumstances. Nobody should experience having no family. And I know it's not the same but you and that sweet boy of yours have a place here as long as you want it. Speaking of Noah… we have prepared Easter baskets and the kids always have a toy in theirs. I've taken the liberty to get something for his basket, too, I hope that is alright."

Olivia can hardly argue that it's not, not without coming across like an idiot. And a toy really isn't that big of a deal. She wants these things for Noah. They are not his grandparents but with a bit of luck they could grow close enough to Noah to consider him an actual part of their son's blended family.

„Oh, yeah. Yes, sure that's alright. You really didn't have to, though."

„Don't be ridiculous. All kids in this family get their Easter baskets and their toy with it. That's how we do things around here. I'd certainly accept if you said you don't want it for him but as I said, we don't do exclusion. We can hardly put a toy in Abby's basket and not do the same for Noah." There is so much conviction in Alice's voice that Olivia is convinced that they would have gone through the same trouble for Noah if Olivia and Tom were a brand-new couple and not have spent the past eight months building a solid relationship.

„Well, thank you. I am sure he'll be over the moon."

„I sure hope so. Tom gave us a few pointers of what he likes. Don't tell him I told you that, I already had to promise him I'd ask you before giving out presents. As if I had any control over the Easter Bunny, right?" Alice winks and Olivia understands what Tom was referring to when he mentioned his mother's sometimes overbearing nature. However, she can also see how it's pretty much impossible for her son to get mad at her for it. „Let's have some more coffee before Abigail wakes up. It's going to be quite a walk later."

…


	53. Scrambled Eggs Part II

Crawling on all fours Tom pulls out two flat plastic boxes from underneath the bed. His old room is now used as a guest room, mostly occupied by himself when he visits for an entire weekend or for the holidays. The bigger box is filled with thousands of tiny classic Lego stones, the smaller one accommodates different action figures. Tom has always loved Lego, as a child, as a teen (although he would have never admitted it during that time) and even now he thoroughly enjoys putting together Noah's lego. Before his break-up with Sarah he had always hoped he would one day have a son just so he could justify buying and spending plenty of time to go all out and nuts on building awesome houses or even better, putting together these amazing Lego Creator or Lego Technic sets that haven't been around when he was a kid himself.

Seeing Noah's blue eyes light up with amazement reminds Tom of himself whenever he got a new Lego set.

„That is all yours?"

„It is. I really loved Lego when I was your age. I think it's the only thing I ever asked for." Well, until game consoles became popular, he sure has wanted a Nintendo then, but even then he had still loved to put together the colorful plastic bricks.

„I don't have so much Lego," the five-year old points out. Olivia has bought him a small starter set and he has gotten another small set for his birthday a couple of months ago but it is hard to get creative with about 500 pieces and only have very few of the bigger stones at choice. This box however is lego heaven for anyone interested in building something a little bigger.

„Well, when I was five I didn't have all this, either. It took me a long, long time and many birthdays and christmases to get this together. I think I had even more but my Mom has given some of it to one of my nephews." This box he had planned to pass on to his own son, if he'd ever have one. And it looked like Noah might be the closest thing to a son he'd ever have. He wasn't going to give it away just yet, but wants the boy to have something to engage in when they are here because this will certainly not be the last visit with his parents. Tom hopes that they can come up here more regularly on weekends to spend time with his sister and his parents, to grill and celebrate birthdays and milestones together, to enjoy Thanksgivings and Christmases as one big family. This is his idea of building a family. He no longer wants it to be just Olivia and Noah, he wants them to be part of something bigger.

In the past six weeks Tom has spent plenty of time with Noah, some of it alone, just the two of them. He is glad that Olivia trusts him enough, because it is still very different from their usual school setting. They play or hit the playground together and a positive side effect is that this one-on-one time with Noah reminds him why he has become a pre-school teacher. He is having a blast most of the time, he thrives when he can explain things or try new things out and see those big, bright eyes that swim with excitement and wonderment.

„What's that?" Noah pointed at the other box and Tom took out one of the figures on top. „That's a Ninja Turtle Action figure. I liked to play with those when I was a child."

Noah cranes his neck, trying to peek into the box and see its contents better. „Do you have Paw Patrol, too? I like Chase and Skye."

Tom makes a long face. „Sorry Buddy, but at the time there was no Paw Patrol and Super Wings. I think maybe you're a bit too young for these. Lego is so much cooler anyway, right?"

„Right. Can we build a house? I want to build a _big_ house. Or… Or a firestation. Or a police station. And then I can show Momma because she is a police _luntennant_." Tom has to really pull himself together to not laugh at Noah's pronunciation of his mother's rank. It was just one of many examples but _luntennant_ is by far his favorite.

„A station house would be grand, let's do that." Reaching underneath the bed Tom blindly searches for one of his baseplates, his fingers finally feeling the nubby plastic and sliding it out from under.

„What is that?" Noah doesn't own a baseplate.

„That's a baseplate to build upon. That way whatever you're building can't tumble over. It helps to keep the police station solid on the base." Tom took a few pieces of lego together, put them together and fits it on the baseplate before he demonstrates the purpose and wiggles the lego pieces a little. „See, it sticks together."

„Can I try it?" The boy eyes the box.

„Sure, go ahead. Knock yourself out, that's what we're here for," Tom encourages and pushes the long, flat plastic box closer towards Olivia's son. The boy instantly digs in and pulls out a handful of plastic stones and starts to put them on the base, checking if the base really served its purpose. Then, with surprising accuracy, Noah starts to put together brick by brick. His tongue is caught between his teeth and his eyes squint in concentration.

„Want me to help?" Tom inquires, knowing that Noah could be quite selective if or if not he needed Tom's assistance.

Without so much as looking at Tom Noah seemed to think about it. „You can build my mommies boss office because she's the boss."

„She is, isn't she?" Tom chuckles and watches her girlfriend's son assemble piece by piece to build a police station.

„Hhm," Noah says and looks up, a thought coming to mind. „My Mom has a gun, too."

„Oh, I know she has."

„I'm not allowed to touch it, only look when I ask and she shows me."

„And that's very important, right?"

„Uh-huh. Guns are dangerous but Momma needs it to chase the bad people. Because she's a _lutennant_."

„She's a pretty awesome Lieutenant," Tom smiles and ruffles the boy's hair.

…

„And how long have you been standing there?" He peeks towards the door where his sister casually leans against the wooden doorframe, arms crossed in front her. The police station has four closed walls now but Tom doesn't even consider asking Noah if he doesn't want to build in windows and doors. For a five-year old Tom finds Tom's creation astounding. The walls aren't high yet, but the pieces are accurately put together for the most time.

„A while," she smiles faintly. Noah has only looked up for a second and gone back to his task. „You're in your element, aren't you?"

„Duh, it's Lego," Tom chuckles. „Abby awake yet?"

„Yeah, just woke up. Mom's changing her diaper. We wanted to get going now. Dad's already at Karl's." Karl is their neighbor. Bill isn't going to join them on their walk, he hasn't in the past five or six years.

„Alright. We'll be down in the minute. Olivia doing okay or has Mom scared her out of ever wanting to come here again yet?" It's a joke. Although… maybe not quite.

„She's perfect. Although I think she has just realized that by allowing Mom to put a toy in her son's easter basket she might have opened Pandora's box," Rebecca laughs and combs a strand through faint ginger locks.

„I kinda warned her…"

„Yeah, there's no such thing as a warning when it comes to Mom," his twin snorts. Tom nods and thinks about what little he knows about Olivia's mother and overbearing or not but this has got to be better than growing up with an alcoholic parent. She has admitted that her relationship with her mother has been complicated for the most part, even abusive at times, both physically and emotionally. Olivia had never gone into detail and Tom has had the decency not to ask and pry. „Tommy?"

„Hm?"

„From what I can see until now I think you picked great. She… she seems to be genuinely nice person." Rebecca has had her reservations in the past few months, especially after Olivia had told Tom she isn't interested in him after they have had a few dates only to change her mind a couple of months later. She had seen her brother fall hard and fast and she had listened to his doubts and the hardships he's faced in their relationship. The times Olivia hadn't called while in Chicago, her priorities that seemingly weren't with Tom. She had advised him once or twice to not get too invested while Olivia obviously had tried to keep it casual but since Christmas something really seems to have changed in the relationship. It sounded like something has clicked for Olivia around that time and Tom no longer questioned Olivia's commitment and when her brother sees no reason to question Olivia or his relationship then who is Rebecca to do so?

„She is, Becs. She really is terrific and kind and…"

„Yeah, yeah, I get it, stop gushing. All of this lovey-dovey stuff is disgusting," she teases as Tom gets up and walks over to her. Noah, in his own world, doesn't pay attention to the two adults in the room.

„How's it going with Walt?"

„Well, nothing's going. He wanted to have Abby today. I told him he should have thought about that before he left us without so much as an explanation," Rebecca huffs bitterly. It's been four months, three since her husband had officially moved out of their house and eventually rage has replaced despair.

Tom's voice drops so Noah wouldn't overhear the conversation. „I know you're upset and trust me, you have every right to be because this whole thing is beyond shitty. But you will have to find an arrangement that works for the both of you when it comes to Abs. She's his daughter, too, you know? And wanting out of a marriage doesn't mean wanting to leave his daughter."

„Well, we'll settle this in court but at this point I won't give him anything, Tom. Why should I? I'm not keeping him away from his daughter, I'm just saying I won't spend Easter without my baby over his choices." Tom can hear that despite their whispering his sister is getting worked up over this. He understands her anger and her pain. And he can absolutely relate that she thinks it's unfair that she should lose out on time with her daughter.

„I know. But what I'm saying is that you should think these things through because if it looks like you are keeping Abby away from him that can look bad to a judge."

„Oh, I'm not. I told him he's welcome to join us here for a few hours, come with us for the egg hunt. He refused, telling me I was being unfair," she seethes and shakes her head. „Let's not… I don't want to talk about him. We should get going anyway."

…

No fifteen minutes later Rebecca, Olivia, Alice and the two kids sit outside on a blanket as Tom stands, five palm sized, colored cards in his head. Attached to each is a small pencil. He paces left to right slowly before he stops and looks at his niece who has a really hard time sitting still for just a minute, then at Noah.

„Now every time at this time of year I don't quite believe my eyes, because what do you think was there in my sights? I looked out the window, saw it scampering along the grass on very quick legs. And what do you believe that creature lost?" He started to speak with enthusiasm and excitement. „Noah, any idea?"

Noah listened intently and his eyes lit up as he believed he knew the answer. „Eggs!"

„Eggs you say? Now let me tell you that is completely correct. But not just eggs did it lose. that magic creature was carrying much more. On its back it carried baskets full of easter greens and so much more, oh you wouldn't believe what I've seen. Candy to snack on, sticky and sweet, though moms may say that'll ruin your teeth." Tom's eyes widened and Noah laughed while Abby clapped her hands as Rebecca repeated about the candy. The little girls is a sucker for chocolate already.

„And to celebrate this special day, when Jesus gave his life for us, we celebrate joy and we celebrate you, so to top it all of there'll be something to _play."_ He made a pregnant pause. „But wait. It's not all that easy I'm afraid. To find your basket you'll have to walk a long way, and thrown in for fun there's tasks to fulfill." He looks on the cards in his hand. „Colored eggs you'll have to find, pick three different flowers, each one of a kind. And if you'll see a bunny's tracks, you need to count them and hop on them. Watch out for all the critters and animals on your way and maybe at the end of the day that magical creature will gift you - hooray. Now off we go with quick feet and fun - Today is the day of the Easter Egg Hunt."

Full of excitement over what is to come Noah gets on his feet. „Momma, we're going to go on a Easter egg hunt."

„So I've heard," she laughs, and putting one hand on Noah's shoulder she gazes at Tom who seems to have made this rhyme up impromptu. Not only was it sweet, it was also engaging and enchanting. Now he hands out a card to each of them and Olivia reads _Easter Egg Hund Checklist 2017_. The checklist is self-made and colorful and there are checkboxes to check if you have found a green, yellow, blue, red and purple egg, three different kinds of flowers, if bunny tracks were found and jumped upon and what kind of animals have been sighted. The Tetley's seem to love their traditions indeed and go about them enthusiastically and religiously. Turns out the Tetley movie nights were just the start.

„Do you do egg hunts for Easter?" Alice's question startles Olivia but she recovers instantly.

„Nothing like this. I usually hide a little something in the apartment. We just don't have the means in the city."

„That's too bad. You'll see that the kids will love it. They always do. Plus the long walk tires them out, that has always been a big plus."

„I can imagine with four kids."

„Oh, it hasn't always been easy, especially with these two," Alice says with a side glance at her twins as Tom gives Noah his checklist. „Have you ever thought about having more kids?"

This one throws Olivia for a loop, it is not a question she has seen coming. It sounds like there are still hopes or maybe even certain expectations.

„Well, a few years ago it has crossed my mind but with my kind of job," she winces apologetically. „I never regretted adopting Noah and I think under different circumstances I would have considered it. Now it's… I think that ship has sailed for me. " she mumbles the last part. She knows never to say never. In the end anything could happen. She feels too old, that's her very firm position at this point in her life. But stranger things have happened than people adopting very late in life. There are so many children in the system, it wouldn't founder on age.

„Being an only child surely has its perks, too," Alice says around a smile, noticing the discomfort she has caused Olivia with the question. It probably was too much too soon to ask about the possibility of Olivia having a child with her son one way or another in a roundabout way.

„I'm sure it has. At this point he's happy he doesn't have to share." Olivia offers a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. She herself has grown up an only child and she has always wished she hah had siblings. Three years ago she had thought about looking into adoption again but ultimately Olivia had to acknowledge to herself that she would not be able to juggle work and two kids. Dodds had given her a hard time as if he somehow took the fact that Olivia chose motherhood despite her position as Acting Commander of SVU personal and Noah had ongoing health problems, constant respiratory infections, the measles, had her at a breaking point already. She had kissed the idea goodbye a long time ago and now it doesn't feel like there is a way back. Deep down she hopes Tom is never going to bring it up so she won't have to revisit the possibilities and eventually let him down. By the time a conversation about children would make sense she would be fifty or older, definitely not a time in her life where she can imagine to start over.

The thing is, and she knows, that something like this can be a deal breaker. Olivia has made herself clear before they entered this relationship that she couldn't give him children. He said he's okay with that. But if he should ever change his mind, and he is still at an age where he is likely to change his mind, it will mean the end of them because Olivia wouldn't ever want to deny him the experience to become father to a baby. But the decision to have a child is not something where she could give in, either.

„He's a great boy." Alice zips her red jacket and takes a deep breath of fresh air.

„He is," Olivia agrees as Tom walks over to her. „Ready to go?"

„I am," she nods and feels his hand sliding into hers.

„I told Noah he can lead the way. There is small forest nearby and then we're heading to the beach, stop by a playground and then get back here. It's a bit of a walk but the weather will keep up." He picks up a backpack that's packed with hot tea, water and cookies before he gives Noah a sign that he can guide the way to the gate leading out of the backyard and onto a narrow path that leads to the piece of woodlands. As far as Olivia can see there's nothing else around except the small path which means no dangers.

„We were always walking out to the forest when we were kids," Rebecca says as she falls behind. Noah and Abby were the first to go and the little girl stuck to the five-year old like glue. She has a strange kind of love when it comes to older children. „Climbing on trees, playing hide and seek."

„Never came home before dark," Tom remembers.

„Weren't you scared something could happen?" Olivia couldn't imagine letting Noah walk into the woods alone or with friends.

„Oh, it was a different time. Once they were seven, eight they were out on their own all day and would only come home for lunch and dinnertime and the neighbors would watch out for the kids as well. Of course we had rules, many of which I'm sure have been broken all the time," she looks at her chuckling son and daughter knowingly.

„I bet you had your hands full with them," Olivia says as Tom squeezes her hand three times.

„You have no idea. The other two have not given me one-tenth of the trouble those two did. They were adorable babies, I didn't have too much work with them for the first three or four years outside of diaper changes and making sure they got something to eat, they played together nicely and were perfectly happy with just that. But all of a sudden they have become the duo infernal and have never really grown out of it before adulthood. They flooded the kitchen, poisoned fifteen or so kids in the neighborhood, snuck out one night and started to dig a tunnel in the backyard that was supposed to go all the way to their favorite tree in the forest and they dug _deep_ for two eleven-year olds. You name it, they've done it.

„Oh crap," Olivia laughs a full belly laugh at the images popping up in her head. Tom had already told her about the poisoning but the idea of her boyfriend and his twin sister sneaking out of the house in the dead of night to dig a tunnel is priceless.

„Those angel babies have turned into my worst nightmare at times. They could be so sweet but I don't think there was a time when _nothing_ was up."

„And that was the time before the booze and the pot," Rebecca says just above a whisper so Olivia can hear it but the words filter to her mother who walks behind the couple.

„I've heard that Rebecca. And don't you think I did not know."

„You knew?" The strawberry-blonde turns around and Olivia stumbles into the slim woman and recoils, apologizing.

„Of course I knew. Who do you think took the bag of weed you were once missing and were fighting over? And it was good weed, too," Alice winks at Olivia.

„How would you know if it was…" Toms eyes widen as he snots. „You got stoned on _our weed_?"

„Your father and I both. It was a rather exciting evening, thank you very much."

Rebecca hangs her head, muttering to herself. „This is so wrong. Our kids walking ahead and we are discussing pot."

„Since when? Come on, when's the last time you got stoned?" Tom nudges his palm against his sister's shoulder who glances at her brother.

„Your girlfriend, who is right here, is NYPD and you think I'm going to answer that question?"

„She's got a point, Tom," Olivia admits.

„What, you can't turn a blind eye?" Technically she can't. The use and possession of cannabis is illegal under federal law. However, Tom has already mentioned that, however infrequent, he and his sister have consumed weed in the past. She hasn't asked him to clarify what exactly infrequent means. She knows he is not a stoner, he is not even a smoker. Also he doesn't see his sister all that often and Olivia is convinced they don't consume whenever they are together.

„Just don't tell me," Olivia says to him in a more serious tone. „I don't wanna know. And if you feel the need to do whatever you do, please don't do it around me." Tom's smile dies, he realizes she means this. If it involves pot he needs to keep his mouth shut, even if he only smokes a joint every few years. His girlfriend _is_ NYPD and he can't ask her to risk her career over a high.

„You got it," he assures.

She knows even Fin smokes weed. They don't talk about it, they don't agree on it. He also watches porn and can't see how Olivia thinks it's wrong on every level because it's a business that exploits women. She can turn a blind eye as long she doesn't know specifics.

„You are such a moron," Rebecca tells her brother with an impressive eye-roll.

The banter is interrupted by a shout of pure excitement by a two- and five-year old hovering.

„Momma, Tom, we found bunny tracks!"

…

In the forest they find several easter eggs and Tom and Olivia help Noah to check the boxes for the colors his found eggs have. The kids are having a great time and even Olivia enjoys the Easter egg hunt but she likes Tom reminiscing about his childhood and youth best. He shows her his favorite tree, the initials R and T carved into the trunk. The small forest is idyllic and she can see why two kids would love to spend their time here. It must be beautiful in spring and summer with the leafy crowns.

Tom explores the forest floor with his niece and Noah, although Abigail isn't very interested in listening to anything yet, she'd rather pick up the bugs or step on them, wondering what will happen when she squashes critters with her boots.

It takes them almost an hour to reach the beach and of course the kids love walking through the sand. There are other people taking walks, some of them with their dogs and Tom checks Noah's _Animals I've Seen_ box.

„I need to show you something," he tells Olivia and pulls her away from the kids, his mother and Rebecca and towards the dunes.

„Okay?" It's a two minute walk and Tom assures Olivia Rebecca and his mother will watch Noah, no worries. They reach a deep spot between the dunes and for a moment Tom just stands.

„So, where are we?" Olivia asks with a chuckle, looking around. There is nothing but sand and withered marram grass.

„This is my favorite spot in this world," he tells her around a genuine smile. „And you are the first person I ever brought here." He has never been in this spot with a girl or woman, not even with his sister. This is his sanctuary. It doesn't seem special but to him it beautiful. It is secluded and windless and a place where he could always just…breathe. „And I always thought… when I was… I don't know, thirteen, fourteen… that I'd take a girl I'm madly in love with here…"

Olivia's mouth runs dry with the implication. He has never brought anyone here.

„I've been in love with a few girls. And I've been at this beach with Sarah many times. I don't know why I never brought her here," Tom says and holds Olivia's fingers in his, brushing his thumb across them. „I don't know. But I did know when we were down there that I wanted to take you." He gazes into brown eyes and chuckles nervously. „I'm sorry, I don't wanna put you on the spot."

Olivia shakes her slowly, squeezes his hand. „You don't." A blush colors her cheeks but she doesn't allow any awkwardness. „Thank you. For showing me," she says softly. It certainly is not easy for him to be this honest with her because there is so much in the things he doesn't say. He brought her here because she is special to him, brought her here when he hasn't even brought his ex to this place when they have been in a relationship for years. Sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes it just…is. And in this moment Olivia decides to just be.

She slowly steps closer and touches her lips to his as her arms wrap around her boyfriend's middle. The kiss is soft and delicate. When she breaks away a smile tugs at Olivia's lips. „You better not bring anyone else here."

And this time he understands the implication. She wants to be the first and last. She wants to be his end game as much as he wishes she will be.

…


	54. Wonderland

By the time they are on their way back and the Tetley house is in sight, Noah is both, exhausted and disappointed. All of the boxes on his checklist are checked - except the _Find Your Basket_ box.

„Have you really seen the Easter Bunny?" The boy looks up to Tom, seriously starting to doubt what he has told them before they left for the egg hunt.

„Sure I do. We found all those eggs and bunny tracks, haven't we?"

Noah ponders that for a moment and then nods. They have indeed find many Easter eggs in the forest, him and Abigail both, and even his mom.

„Maybe someone else has taken our Easter baskets," the five-year old suggests with an expressive gesture of his hand and a pout. „I have looked _everywhere._ "

„Nah, I really don't think someone else has taken them," Tom assures and decides to give the boy a little more hope. „Have we even checked the backyard before we left for the egg hunt?"

Noah thinks about it, even putting his index-finger against his lip. „No," he says and catches on, a spark igniting in his eyes as he jumps. „Maybe they are in the backyard! Let's go!"

„Easy there, Buddy. We'll get there," Tom laughs but Noah instantly walks faster much to the chagrin of everyone else. After two hours everyone wants a break, not a sprint. The prospect of still finding his easter basket energizes the five-year old anew, exhaustion all but forgotten.

When they reach the gate, Noah eyes already scan the backyard and Olivia chuckles because her height allows her to see farther. It's Rebecca who pushes the gate open and groans, glad to finally be back home. Her and Tom have taken turns carrying Abigail for the past half hour.

„Noah, I think your basket has a blue ribbon it," Tom says since the boy's checklist is captioned in light blue.

„Momma, my ribbon is blue," Noah repeats to her. „And yours?"

„Oh, um… I don't think there's a basket for me, honey."

„Of course there is," Rebecca tells her. „This one goes all out for Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving," she uses her thumb to point over her shoulder to Alice who's walking behind them. „We've stopped fighting it a long time ago. It's useless." Rebecca rolls her neck between her shoulders and rubs a knot in the back, groaning. „She puts together great baskets, though, I have got to give her that. And to answer your question young Noah, your Mom's ribbon is purple."

„Can I go and search for the baskets now?"

„You go," Tom tells him. „Make sure to look everywhere," Tom calls out as the boy takes off.

„Okay, so who hid the baskets while we were gone?"

„Wouldn't you like to know?" Tom puts his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in to kiss her hair. Even this small gesture feels like a little too much PDA in his mother's presence and although Olivia allows it, she wishes he'd save it for when they are alone. „Oh, there's mine," Tom says, spotting the basket with the green ribbon behind the apple tree. He gently pulls Olivia to the tree and picks up the basket that is filled with a box of chocolates, two bottles of premium beer, half a pound of premium coffee and a green envelope.

„Love that beer," he says. The envelope sure as hell contained money. Same thing every year. They walked over to Alice and he gave her a quick hug. „Thanks Mom. Great basket."

„You're welcome, sweetheart. Treat yourself."

„Mommy, Mommy!" Noah's voice carries through the yard, catching her attention instantly. Her son has found his basket and she makes her way over. While Tom's basket is oversee able, Noah's is brimful and behind it is a present wrapped in fancy Easter-themed paper.

„Wow," Olivia chuckles. „Now look at that."

„This is all for me, right?"

„It sure looks like it."

„And look, there's a present. The Easter bunny left me a present!" Her son's happiness makes Olivia happy, although she does think an actual present is a little too much for Easter. But as Rebecca has told her - she better get used to these things in this family. There is nothing further from Olivia's mind than alienating Alice over a toy. And it beats her son being left out by Tom's family when the granddaughter receives a gift with her basket. Noah is too young to understand favoritism after all.

„I know. This is pretty amazing, isn't it?"

„Can I open it?"

„Inside, let's wait until everyone has found their basket. Maybe you go and help Abigail find hers. I'll put this on the table on the patio for you."

„But don't open my present," the boy warns.

„I won't. Go," she chuckles. Her son runs off towards Abigail who by now is walking on her toddler legs, looking for something she can't quite grasp yet.

„You should look for yours, too." Tom puts his basket on the table next to Noah's and her son's gift. „Your mother really shouldn't have gone through all the trouble for me."

„It's no trouble at all, she lives for things like this. You have to bring Noah for Halloween this year, the entire neighborhood gets together over food and drinks, the kids play. When the weather's good everyone chips in for a bouncy house and Mom loves to carve Halloween Pumpkins with the kids and decorates the house and the yard. It's fun."

„Why am I not surprised? I guess I'll see about getting Halloween off then. Noah would love something like this."

„Well, if you can't I can drive up with him and get back the next day. If you don't mind." He wouldn't mind to take Noah at all. He is going to go anyway and if Olivia has to work then it's not problem for him if it's just him and her boy. He really shouldn't miss the festivities.

„Um… I guess that would be alright, yeah," Olivia agrees. Truth is she doesn't want to miss it either. She is pretty sure she can delegate.

„Mom, I found your basket. Look. It's by the fence!"

„Thank you, Noah. I'll be right over." She smiles and looks around shortly. Abigail is still looking with Rebecca's and Alice's help. „It's so nice here," Olivia says softly. „I didn't think I'd have such a good time when we left this morning. Your Mom is terrific and so kind…"

„I'm glad you like it. I was hoping we could drive up every once in a while. It's perfect in the summer when we get out the swimming pool for the kids and we have long barbecues and picnics here. The two trees over there," he points at two apple trees, „make for an excellent hammock. I think Noah would love it."

She can picture it. She can even picture herself as part of it, however strange that feels. She doesn't do pools and hammocks and barbecues. Well, she didn't. Now she can actually see herself enjoying these things.

„We can do that," she smiles. „Come up here. It is beautiful and I like the idea of Noah getting out of the city from time to time." Slowly they make their way over to where Noah stands, picking up her slightly bigger basket. Olivia instantly spots a bottle of good red wine, loose green tea and chocolates. Upon further inspection there is also what looks like two pricey soaps that are labeled organic and vegan. There is also an envelope in Olivia's Easter basket and Olivia opens it and looks at Tom. „Oh no, come on. She really shouldn't… I can't…" It is a $ 100 gift card for Atelier Cologne stating _Olivia, Happy Easter. Treat yourself. Alice & Bill_. She hasn't ever heard of what appears to be a fragrance house in New York City but judging from the presentation of the gift card it is very high class.

„Yeah, don't tell her that just say thank you. There is no arguing with her and she's not going to take it back so…," Tom shrugs. „I'm glad it's not money like she always puts in our envelopes. Rebecca convinced her that cash is so much more impersonal than a thoughtful gift card," he chuckles.

„But this is too much," she whines and puts her head against Tom's shoulder.

„Yeah, that's Mom for you." He gently rubs her back with his flat palm. „Rebecca chose the store because I said that you always smell terrific so some kind of fragrance wouldn't be a bad idea. She loves that store and always orders from them online or something. Said you'll love it and will sure find something there."

„And I brought wine and chocolates. I feel like an idiot."

„Again, that's my Mom for you, `livia. She doesn't expect anything in return she just loves these holidays and she loves to give and gift. Next time we visit it will be better. No gift cards without an occasion," he teases. „Trust me, I tried to convince her that this whole thing would make you uncomfortable and she's sweet and understanding but when it comes to gifts she simply doesn't care. To this day she slips me money like I'm not able to support myself and she gets offended if I don't take it. So I just… save it, you know? There's just no other way with her. And if it makes her happy…"

„I don't even know what to say to her."

„You just say thank you. That's it." After all this time he knows it's no use to argue with his mother. It is what it is.

Olivia closes the envelope and puts it back in the basket that Tom holds for her. She is completely overwhelmed by the thoughtful assortment of the Easter basket and torn about accepting the gift card. It is just too much when Olivia hasn't expected anything at all.

Once Abigail has found her Easter basket they all make their way back inside the house and both kids unwrap their presents. In the meantime Olivia thanks Tom's mother for her basket, telling her it really wasn't necessary, they shouldn't have. Alice of course wants to hear none of it, she merely pets her son's girlfriend's arm, assures it's nothing.

They leave four hours later after a fantastic pot roast dinner and one more round of thank you's and you shouldn't have's. The Tetley house disappears in the rearview mirror and Olivia leans back content and full.

For Olivia it has been a fantastic days and her fears were indeed redundant. She also got along with Rebecca. For a first meeting everything has gone exceptionally well.

„Your parents are so nice. I mean, you told me so but I wasn't sure to expect."

„I hope my mother didn't bother you too much. I know she can be prying." He glances at her and grimaces. „She means well, though."

„She's the sweetest, honestly. And she's been so lovely to Noah, too. I really appreciate that because I know that it's not necessarily the rule. I was so nervous about… me and if they'd be okay with me having a child, my age, my… everything," she chuckles with the little nervousness that is left after this rather long day. „They are your parents after all."

„I told you they'd love you because what's not to love?" His voice teases and Olivia exhales softly.

„It really was." Tom quickly glanced over his shoulder before he pulled onto the main road. Noah is undoubtedly going to fall asleep in the car after the eventful day and the long egg hunt. The poor thing has almost fallen asleep over the set of Magformers he has received as a gift. „Maybe next time we can spend the night. The drive here and back is quite a lot in one day."

The suggestion is not unreasonable but Olivia feels torn about staying the night at his parent's house. Maybe because she has never once been in this kind of situation. There is plenty of space in the Tetley house and at least three empty bedrooms for overnight guests. However, Olivia doesn't want to impose on Alice and Bill and then it would also limit their privacy, if only for two days.

„Um… maybe, yeah. I mean… I'll have to think about it. It's… I think it might be awkward…?"

„Awkward? How?"

„I don't know, staying the night. I figured…"

„What?" He glances over in interest, wondering what is going to come next.

„I figured we'd be staying at a hotel or something. For special occasions and such."

Tom nods mutely and mulls it over. He can see why she suggests a hotel instead of simply staying with his parents. „If you'd feel more comfortable at a hotel…"

Olivia took the small bottle of water from the center console and twisted off the cap, taking a small sip. „I don't know. I imagine I'd feel more comfortable. I… I guess I don't wanna impose. Your mom's going through so much trouble it seems - I mean, she's an amazing host but…"

„And she loves it, Olivia. She loves to have us kids over, she loves to bake and cook and spoil her family, she always has. And it is a lot of work she puts into it. But it makes her happy to see everyone is having a good time and enjoys the food. That's just her."

A brief glance is shared before Tom fixes his gaze back on the road.

„I'll leave that up to you, though. If you don't want to stay there for whatever reason, then that's fine with me, too. Let me just assure you that Mom'll be disappointed." There it is. The knockout argument. Olivia deflates.

„You're not playing fair."

„Oh, wait until you'll see my mother's face and you'll know what it means not to play fair. She will have you eat your guilt in a second and serve it with chocolate pudding and cream."

…

„When did it get so late?" Olivia sinks onto the couch and grabs Tom's hand. She's tired but not enough to sleep.

„The munchkin asleep?"

„Yeah, luckily. I was worried that after his nap in the car he'd be up for another hour or two." She slides her hand into Tom's and rests her head against his shoulder.

„You tired?" He brushes his thumb across the back of her hand.

„A little. I'm hungry."

„Hungry?"

„Yeah. I could do with some chinese. And ice-cream." No wonder, she thinks. It's about that time of month and she regularly had a case of the munchies before and during.

„And let me guess, you don't have either here, do you?" He turns his head and sees her grin.

„I'll live."

„You think?"

„Maybe. Probably." She pulls up her feet and exhales heavily. Tom's hand slips out of her grasp and he rubs her thigh gently before getting up with a soft groan. „Lo Mein?"

„Don't be ridiculous. Sit down," she says in all seriousness.

„Lo Mein?" He repeats. „Ben & Jerries? Strawberry Cheesecake?"

„Tom, I'm serious, I didn't say it to imply you should go and…"

„I know. You're hungry. I could eat. So respectfully - keep your mouth shut and let me go an get something to eat." God, she had a terrific man. She really has had no intention to make him go and get her something to eat in the middle of the night. Nobody has ever done this for her, not even offered and Tom certainly isn't the first man that has heard those words from her.

„Okay," she said softly. „Lo Mein sounds great."

…

Tom had come back with containers of Lo Mein, Fried Rice, chicken Chop Suey and spring rolls alongside a pint of ice-cream. Licking her lips and catching a drop of sauce with her tongue she brought the chopsticks to her mouth, popping in another bite of the mini spring roll.

„This is so good," she moans. She is full, more than full but still she isn't ready to stop eating. „I know it must be gross to watch me stuff myself with all this but… humph." Olivia's eyes rolled back as she picked up the box of Lo Mein noddles.

„It's fine." Not to say he's used by it but it's not the first time he sees her eating and snacking a lot. He has by now caught on that it's probably hormonal. It isn't gross to him but quite amusing. He watches her take a few more bites before she put the box and the chopsticks down and leans back with a sound of satisfaction.

Glancing up almost shyly Olivia smiles. „Thank you. For… everything. The food, this day." It has been special to her. „I never had such a nice Easter," she admits.

Somehow it knocks the wind out of his lungs. She has never had such a nice Easter. Forty-nine years on this world and today has been special to her when it's been the normal Easter Sunday traditions to him. Good food, an egg hunt, presents and love. It tears him apart and it's hard for him to find the right words as he takes her hand that rests on her bulging belly.

„I don't know if I should say I'm glad or that I'm sorry." He sticks with the truth, his lips a thin line. She had once mentioned that her mother wasn't big on traditions but he had hoped they had their share of nice holidays. „Didn't you have any traditions?"

Taking a deep breath Olivia shrugs softly and gazes into blue eyes. „Not really. Nothing like yours at least. My mother wasn't religious so Easter was… I don't want to say a day like every other day. There were some very simple decorations and she'd get me some chocolate but it… it was never anything special, you know?"

He nods and wonders if it is okay for him to ask about her mother. He doesn't want to ruin the mood or bring back bad memories but he wants to know about her past. „What was it like growing up with her?"

It is a questions that isn't easy to answer. There were so many layers to growing up the daughter of Serena Benson, alcoholic. It wasn't all bad but still there was plenty of bad. A bewildered look settles on Olivia's face and she runs a hand she doesn't realize is shaky through her hair. She hates to talk about her mother, about her childhood. She hates it almost as much as talking about her _father_. But despite the wave of nausea at the prospect of opening up to Tom she wants to talk to him. She doesn't want to dodge the question. Not this time.

„It was… challenging. For a lack of a better word," she chuckles helplessly. „I mean she tried. That's really the most I can say. I think she tried to be a good mother and she tried… she tried to love me, all about me but I don't think that she always succeeded in loving me. She was… a proud woman but she was lonely. And I was a constant reminder of what was the worst day of her life. There were good times and bad. Sometimes she drank less. Just wine. Just a few glasses at night, at least as far as I've noticed. And then there were also times when she'd drink vodka soda and when she had more than a couple of drinks she got angry sometimes and then I just… I couldn't do right," she says quietly and looks up at him with a sad smile. „But it was worse when she was out of alcohol. She'd get frantic and search in all her hiding places and she got more and more aggressive, accused me of hiding her bottles or said I had tipped it out. I mean, I knew better than to mess with her booze, I never would have dared to touch any of it." She leaves out that sometimes her mother had slapped her and accused her of lying to her face for denying she had taken the alcohol.

Tom can't even imagine how she must have felt. How insecure and unwanted, unloved. She would have deserved a safe home environment and this sounds anything but. „That sounds awful. And she drank…every day?"

„I think so. I tried to stay out of her way by the time I realized that she had a drinking problem but that only works to a certain extent when you're living together, right?" Absentmindedly she plays with Tom's fingers and watches their hands. „Mostly it were a couple of good weeks, some of them really good until she's had a few bad binges. She could be a horrible person then." Olivia still remembers that once, when she was fifteen, she had called her mother a two-faced bitch. She had gotten a slap on the face in return. Even then it had been worth it to say it out loud, to actually call Serena out on it.

Squeezing Tom's hand Olivia inhaled and exhaled heavily and bit her lip. „It's not… I try to focus on the good you know?" Her eyes find his. „Doesn't always work but I hold onto that. That there _was_ good, that she _did_ love me in her own way. And after I've moved out we got along well enough. We still had our differences, of course. She hated that I chose to become a cop and even more when I joined _that kind of unit._ But it made a hell of a difference that I only saw her once every few weeks. She drank but didn't get hammered when I visited. And in a way I have stopped caring and accepted the drinks as a part of her. I no longer had to watch it every day and I didn't have to endure her moods. And then… then she died. Today I think I should have seen it coming. I mean, it's a miracle she didn't need a liver transplant after thirty years of drinking but back then I never… I never thought my mother could die. That's stupid isn't it?" She chuckles humorlessly and purses her lips to try and keep the emotions at bay.

„Not at all."

„It caught me by surprise. That she died. Not even how just _that_ she actually… died." Right now Olivia wants to stick her face into a pillow and smother the tears she feels coming up as Tom drapes his arm around her and pulls her into him. His lips come to rest against her temple as she swallows audibly, sour saliva clicking in her throat.

„I'm okay." Her voice almost cracks. If she tries to convince herself or Tom is uncertain.

„I know," he whispers. This time he doesn't push, he doesn't tell her how it's okay for her to cry or fall apart. She knows these things. And Tom trusts that if she needs to release whatever she feels right now she will. He notices then how she recovers and tucks the emotions away and that's alright with him tonight.

After a few moments Olivia snuggles in closer and lifts her face to look at Tom. She untangles her hand from his and touches his cheek, his beard scrubby against her palm. „Thank you for… this entire day. I've never… and nobody's ever…" She shakes her head because she is floored and flustered as her emotions undo her.

„You don't have to thank me. I haven't done anything at all," he whispers. „Okay?"

Her eyes close. She nods. Her thumb strokes across his chin. When she opens her eyes again her heart is racing and she's hot all over and all she can think of is what sits on the tip of her tongue. The air around them seems too thick to breathe. Olivia is terrified. Terrified of feeling too much, of losing this. She is scared that she might never have such a wonderful day again with Tom and Noah and his family because up until she met Tom things have always broken and ended one way or an other. And she no longer wanted endings.

Her voice is quiet and breathy with the weight of her words when she speaks.

„I love you." And the implication crash into her at full force. She releases a shaky breath and her eyes swim with the vivid feelings that have finally been released in the open. Tom doesn't speak for a long while and if it wasn't for the loving smile he casts at her or the way his thumb is caressing the base of her neck she'd freak out.

„I love you, too, Olivia," he whispers back. „You have no idea how much…" But maybe she does. Maybe she knows exactly how much. When her gaze falters and she glances down with a hint of unshed tears shining behind dark brown eyes, tom uses his finger to gently push up her chin.

„I love you, Olivia Benson. And I adore you. You and Noah both." He is right where he wants to be and that she has said those three words and had said them first means the world to Tom. When blue and brown connect again Tom pulls Olivia into a gentle kiss. He lets it linger and feels so full of love and hope like he hasn't before. Never before.

When they break apart Olivia licks her bottom lip and allows Tom to pull her against him. He smells amazing and she sinks against his inviting and warm body as she exhales the softest of breaths.

„Let's go to bed," she mumbles. She is wiped out and craves the warm sheets of her bed and her boyfriend's boxer clad body wrapped around her.

„No ice-cream?" His voice is a tease and she snorts. After her admission she could certainly do with ice-cream.

„In bed?" She sits up straight and wiggles her eyebrows. It's supposed to be sexy but when Tom laughs she fears it's simply funny.

„Go ahead, coming right up. I'll just put the leftovers in the fridge."

„You're too good to me," Olivia winces and leans in for another kiss. She does love him. She thinks she loves him in a fascinating and pure way she has never loved before. When he looks at her he still gives her butterflies. When he takes her hand she doesn't want him to let go. When he kisses her it's… _everything._

„Go. Warm up the bed. I'll be with you in a minute."

And she goes with a cheshire cat smile because right now inside she feels warm and calm. And for once Olivia doesn't question whether or not she deserves it.

….

 **End Notes: Finally it's out in the open. I've been wondering when and where they should first say it and drove myself mad and right here this feel so very right and natural... All the big steps are now taken.**


	55. X

**A/N: This chapter implies and very roughly covers sexual assault and rape, please consider yourself warned. Italics are flashbacks/memories.** **As for this chapter… we had Easter and April in the last 3 chapters and after April comes May and if we stick to the last episode of Season 14 in 2013 that would leave us with Olivia walking into her apartment only to be surprised by William Lewis. Now PTSD is a bitch and I'd think that the anniversaries of the trauma she's been through must be especially hard. The focus, in my opinion, simply shifts during such times. So this one deals with PTSD int the form of flashbacks and night terrors, consider yourself cautioned in that regard, tot.**

 **Also:**

 **the following question has come up and I think it's because of Olivia stuffing her face and having a bulging belly as a result in the last chapter - Could Olivia be pregnant? The answer is no. At 49 years I refuse to put the character through that and I'm saying that as one of the very relaxed people when it comes to pregnancies and stuff. I'm a home birther myself, I'm SO liberal but I cannot get myself to got there for physical as well as emotional reasons when it comes to Olivia. Also Tom is sterile and it will be further explained in later chapters. Which also answers another question: have we almost reached the end? Nope. The end is not yet nearing and if I SHOULD find a surprisingly good fit for the ending sooner than I expected there will be a sequel. So buckle up friends - the ride isn't over.**

…

„Liv? Theresa Hellbeck is here." Despite the knock on her doorframe and the words announcing Theresa Hellbeck's arrival Olivia doesn't show any reaction. Sitting at her desk the brunette has her elbows propped on the desktop, forehead in both palms. Although her eyes are open she doesn't take in a single word of the paperwork that is right in front of her and needed to be processed yesterday.

Again her name is poured into the office.

„Liv?"

This time she startles out of her haze. For a moment her eyes are wild before they focus on the detective she has worked alongside for so many years. However, the voice is still in her ear, whispering to her.

 _Hey! There she is…Those big beautiful brown eyes. So beautiful._

He haunts her relentlessly today, no matter how much she had tried to prepare herself for this day.

„I'm sorry, Fin." Clearing her throat she pushes up the sleeves of her blazer. „What did you say?" She has to pull herself together but it seems whenever she tries to focus it feels like _he_ is breathing down her neck again. His presence, however impossible, is hovering over her and Olivia can almost hear his voice in her ear.

„Theresa Hellback is in the conference room for you." Odafin Tutuloa's eyes soften at the sight in front of him. As much as Olivia tries to act normal and go about this day like she would any other, he knows exactly what is going on. They all do. It's that time of year. That day in may when William Lewis had taken Olivia hostage four years ago. A few more hours until the approximate time her worst nightmare began.

„Right. I'll be there in… a minute. Thank you." She gives a tight smile when he makes no move.

„Liv, maybe you should go home. Get some rest." When she came in this morning her eyes had been bloodshot. He didn't know if it was by lack of sleep, tears or a severe flashback but she doesn't look good or rested. Unfortunately Olivia isn't one to listen and being around here likely gave her some sense of comfort.

He means well, Olivia knows this, but rest and being alone are the two things she doesn't want and doesn't need. At least here she is distracted some of the time. At home it would be just her and her tormenting thoughts, some of them memories, other's deeply rooted fears of what else _could have_ happened. But no matter what, her thoughts are circling in a dark cloud constantly.

She isn't an idiot. She knows her PTSD is going to rough her up in the next couple of days and while she doesn't want to experience a flashback at work it is the place were she feels safest for the time being. Safest from herself and her mind that is stuck on Lewis and everything that started in her apartment when she came home four years ago today.

 _Welcome home Detective Benson._

„I'm… I'm okay," she lies and brushes her palm across her mouth. Her forehead is sweaty, her hands moist. „Just absorbed in this…" She looks down because she has no idea what it is that she should be working on. „… complaint."

„If you need anything…" She's got it. He wishes there was something he could do, anything, but he can't chase the demons away and she won't talk to him, either. He wonders if she is going to see her shrink for the anniversary of her kidnapping. In fact Fin hopes she will, just so that she has _someone_ to talk to and work through whatever she is experiencing.

„I know. Thanks, Fin. But I'm good."

There was a time when she thought these anniversaries would get easier. That she could look back and not feel like rolling up into a ball because of anxiety because she knows she will have nightmares and at least a couple of flashbacks in the following two to three days and nights. It still skyrockets her PTSD into sickening overdrive and the coping mechanisms she has learned are doing shit for her today.

She is caught in a world that tastes of hard liquor and bitter pills, sounds like her own pleas and screams and that smells like burnt hair and flesh. And there is a not a damned thing she can do to escape the grasp of Lewis' ghost.

„Really," she insists as he gives her a glance that tells her he doesn't buy it, that he knows better.

„Look, we're all here for you, so if you need to…"

„Fin, I'm…," she exhales shakily. „It's a tough day but I'm not… I am here because I need to be here." And it has nothing to do with the cases they work, she knows Fin understands that. That she needs people around her, a file to stick her nose in, a vic to talk to. Right now she'd love to interrogate some bastard but it doesn't look like she will get to enjoy a good old questioning today.

„Tom staying with you tonight?"

„Why, you think I need a babysitter?" Her eyebrow shoots to the ceiling as she dares him to say that is exactly what he thinks.

„I think you shouldn't be alone today." He knows that even for him is thoughts will border on unbearable tonight and he hasn't been through anything at all. The Detective will never forget the sight of Olivia's disassembled apartment after they have obtained entry. He will never forget the smells either, a mixture of burnt flesh, alcohol sweat and blood. The entire place was in shambles. Fin's heart has never been in his boots like in the moment they realized what the hell had happened. Damn no, she shouldn't be alone tonight. Nobody should be alone at a time like this with tormenting memories and likely flashbacks that could take an elephant down.

„He'll be over." She pushes her chair back and gets up but she barely feels her feet on the ground. She barely feels herself at all.

„Good." Fin almost breathes a sigh of relief as she walks around her desk and towards him.

…

At the end of the work day Olivia has a vicious headache and the Tylenol she has taken an hour ago has done nothing at all to help. Despite the stack of paperwork Olivia hasn't finished much today. Her focus has shifted from the papers in front of her to the cruel, taunting and morbid things her mind has conjured for her time and time again. However, the most disturbing thing is that the images she sees, the sound that she hears, have at _some point_ been real. Well, most of them.

Today she can't shake it. She knows she is cracked but right now she feels…broken. She has barely slept last night and when she had gotten an hour in she had awoken with a start just as her nightmare started to form, when behind closed eyes she has seen Lewis' grotesque face grin at her. She has woken with a racing heart in damp sheets with the imaginary metallic taste of blood in her mouth.

Letting herself into her apartment Olivia knows she will have to pull herself together for her son. She can't walk around and get lost inside her own head like she had at work. Here at home she is forced to function for Noah and be okay for at least a few hours. With trembling hands on the doorknob Olivia closes her eyes and reminds herself to breathe in. Breathe out. What is a natural reflex comes so very hard on this day.

„Momma!" Her son runs towards her and wraps his entire body around her legs. He has gotten so big in the past few months, it's more obvious to her now as his head is pushing into her abdomen than it has been before. With a faint smile she regards Noah and combs her fingers through his head full of curls. For this moment in time his hug is comforting and calming, but not even her boy can chase the demons away that are lurking around every corner, in every room.

This is not the same apartment. It's not even the same furniture, Olivia tells herself. And yet Lewis' presence lingers here. She realizes then that it's not in this place where it lingers. It's inside her, underneath her clothes, under her skin. The realization that he has left more than his fingerprints and scars on her shocks her with a wave of nausea. It's funny how much a person can lie to themselves for basically an entire year until it all comes crashing down.

„Hi Liv," Lucy greets her as she's stirring a white concoction in a small glass bowl and seasons it with a good amount of oregano.

„Hey," she breathes. Her smile is even tighter at she's about to burst at the seams. Her stomach churns violently and she thinks she is going to throw up for real. Lucy scrutinizes her. Something is off.

„Are you okay?"

„Headache." She makes do with the half truths today. Trying to distract Lucy from herself she feigns interest in what she is doing. „What's this?"

„The ranch you guys like," she smiles and adds ground garlic to taste as well as some fresh dill and parsley. „Tom said he was thinking salad and grilled chicken for dinner so he asked if I could leave him the recipe." He has asked so charmingly, it was impossible to deny him. She had to admit Olivia has made a good catch and more importantly her boss appears to be genuinely happy in this relationship. „Figured I'd save him the trouble and it tastes better if it can sit in the fridge for a couple of hours."

„Oh. Thank you that's… that's very thoughtful, Lucy." It isn't surprising. Her nanny has always done more than necessary. She makes sure the living room and kitchen are tidy by the time Olivia comes home and sometimes even fixes dinner for her when it's getting later than expected although her job description clearly states she only has to provide meals for Noah. It constantly makes the Lieutenant feel as if she is in Lucy's debt. The woman is too good to be true.

„Not a problem." The spoon goes in the dishwasher and the bowl stowed away in the fridge to cool. With quick hands Lucy sorts the seasonings back on its shelf. „I have got to run, I've got a date."

Normally Olivia would be more ecstatic for the other woman and maybe even enquire about the lady Lucy is to meet. Today however she only nods with a small smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

„Have fun."

„I hope," Lucy winks and grabs her purse off the dresser. „Take something for that headache, you don't look good."

„I will."

„Bye Noah." Her tone is sweet as she waves at the boy.

„Bye Lucy."

…

The innocent headache has grown into what threatens to become a full-blown migraine evoked by a lack of sleep and distress. And Olivia can't sleep and she can't destress, she can't even focus on anything for much longer than a minute. She is glad that she has asked Tom to come over although it has been an entirely selfish motivation born out of her fear of night terrors. She thinks that his presence will fend off any nightmares tonight. She has also thought his proximity would chase away the flashbacks but she has no such luck. Although she does consider herself lucky because the flashbacks don't come as violently as they could. She zones out a little, she tenses, hell, she even sweats more than usual but it's nothing that a migraine wouldn't explain.

Olivia wants to tell Tom. She wishes she could. But there is something holding her back. She doesn't know how to explain to him that PTSD is hitting her hard today. Her boyfriend doesn't even know that she's battling PTSD at all because she has never said a word. Maybe when she had first showed him the scars reaching from her breasts to her thighs she had implied trauma but she has never discussed the long term effects it has had on her. And how is she going to explain anything without ripping open old sores? Ultimately she would have to tell Tom the whole story and she doesn't want to burden him with the things Lewis had made her watch and the things the bastard has done to her body, the things he had threatened to do to her. More than that Olivia doesn't want Tom to know just how much Lewis has messed up her head.

„It's that bad, huh?" With a gentle touch Tom massages the back of Olivia's neck, then kneads the hard knots at the base where her shoulder starts.

Olivia grunts in response. The pressure his fingertips dig into her skin with feels good and for a moment her mind is occupied absorbing the sensations, giving her a sweet and needed break. Her son is sitting in his room with her iPad. If an occasion has ever called for distracting Noah with the tablet it is now. He is perfectly happy sitting on the floor of his bedroom watching cartoons on netflix.

„I can get you a cold washcloth." The offering is spoken with a gentle voice. He doesn't want to add to her headache.

„No, it's… I'll go," she mutters in return. A cold washcloth sounds wonderful but to wet her entire face with cold water will be even more effective. She moves to stand and her fatigue is catching up with her. She has barely eaten all day and is void of energy at this point in the evening. Her gaze flits to Noah's room and the boy is completely absorbed. „Noah, ten more minutes, okay? It's bedtime." Blue eyes meet hers and she hears him say okay in acknowledgement.

Once in the bathroom she locks the door. Nausea still comes in waves and she wonders if it is because she is fighting so hard against the menacing flashbacks. She can't allow them to crash into her at full force, not when Tom's here and won't know what the hell is hitting him. She has little control over them but it's just enough to bring herself to remember that none of it is real, that what she hears and sees are only distant memories, a figment of her brain.

When Olivia looks in the mirror and sees her pale reflection and hollow eyes starting back at her she feels reminded of how she had stood in a similar way in a different bathroom, her face bruised, the shock still in her bones and her spirit broken. Her body has healed, the only visible remnants of those three days are twelve scars on her body and one that is almost invisible on the right side of her forehead. She is not broken, she knows this. But she is cracked. She is wounded and probably she will always be. Recovery and therapy aside - certain wounds will never heal. The damage on her psyche can't be undone.

She turns on the faucet and lets the water run, watches the small pool in the sink circle down the drain as she gets lost once more. She feels Lewis' hands on her body, his cigarette-breath is on her neck, in her ear.

 _„Oh come on, don't be shy."_

Her head lolls forward, the running stream of water swooshes and drowns out the sound she makes in protest as her hands wrap around the right and left side of the lavatory. There is no rhyme or reason to the chronology of the flashbacks.

Behind the curtain of her closed eyes she sees Lewis wipe off the saliva she has spit in his face with his fingers before he puts them into his mouth, sucks them clean.

 _Click._

 _„It will rain back down on you."_

 _„You know what? Let it rain."_

Her body is rigid as she stares into the lavatory, trying to shake the images and the sounds her mind creates in a near perfect reenactment. Heart racing she draws in a breath but it seems no oxygen reaches her lungs. Olivia's grip tightens on the lavatory as bile comes up and burns the walls of her throat. She swallows it back down before she throws up in her mouth.

 _„You watch or else I will burn her. Those are the rules? Now will you be a good girl, Olivia?" Olivia's eyes are wide as William Lewis takes a drag of his cigarette, then looks at it as he rolls it between his thumb and two fingers, blowing out a stream of smoke with relish. His victim begs, she pleads. Olivia shakes her head and the words she tries to say, to scream get caught in a thick strip of silver duct tape. She pulls on her restraints, ropes, but nothing budges. Nothing budges at all. Her wrist are sore and weep in places after more than twenty-four hours of being bound tightly._

 _‚Don't you dare touch her,' she attempts to shout. But all that comes out are muffled, strangled sounds that do nothing but amuse Lewis._

 _Smiling their tormentor brings Olivia's duty weapon to Dianne Mayer's head, the same woman he has dinner with just a couple of hours ago and acted like the perfect gentlemen. The barrel presses into her temple._

 _„Now Dianne, how about we have some fun and entertain Detective Benson? Give her a little taste of what's in store for her?"_

 _Again Olivia yanks at the rope that keeps her bound and in place. She knows he gets off on this, on her fear and her terror but she can't help herself. Not when he is about to hurt this woman right in front of her._

 _„You're going to love this," he says, looking at his lawyer's mother with a grin before he runs his wet tongue over the entire length of the left side of her face. Then his gaze fixes the SVU detective. „And if you so much as close your eyes or turn your head away, she's going to sound like this." He brings the smoldering part of his cigarette closer to Olivia's face before he slowly lowers it to the older woman's ribcage, despite the detective's useless protest and stubs it out in slow-motion. The smell of burnt skin is nauseating. Dianne Mayer cries out, then screams. Olivia tears her gaze away and Lewis clicks his tongue a few times._

 _„Olivia, Olivia… do you really want a repeat already?" She exhales a heavy and loaded breath through her nose and forces herself to turn her head and keep her eyes trained on Lewis and Dianna. She knows he is not just bluffing. William Lewis is a sadist, loving to inflict pain on his victims. Unbearable pain. But the most convincing criterion are the excruciating marks Lewis has left on Olivia's body in the very same way. She remembers the indescribable, horrendous pain. She couldn't even say if the searing sensations were worse during or immediately after the wounds were inflicted._

 _„Good girl." He reaches over, discards the cigarette butt on the floor and runs his fingers through her hair that is damp with sweat and cheap vodka. She flinches and his fingers twist around the clumpy strand. Pain ripples through her as he yanks her head to the right and she groans._

 _„Let's get this party started."_

„Olivia?" The door rattles when there is now answer but to no avail. She usually doesn't lock the door and it scares the shit out of him. „Olivia, open the door, please."

 _The images are tormenting and sickening. There is grunting and crying and pleading and the few times Olivia can't for the life of her take it and tears her gaze away or closes her eyes Mrs. Meyer screams and the telltale smell of burnt flesh fills the room. He is rough and entirely ruthless as he slams his hips into the older woman and puts his full body weight into each thrust._

 _She loses consciousness and it's sweet relief._

„Olivia, swear to God, I need you to open the door right now!"

The brunette's entire body is shaking with both, the flashback and her convulsed extremities. Her breath is staccato as she puts her forehead against the cool mirror. Tom's voice pierces through the haze of her memory and she exhales shakily.

„I'm… I'm co—ming," she breathes, realizing he won't be able to hear her. She tries to allow her hammering heart to calm and wills her body to stop shaking. The water is still running and she holds her hands under the cool stream. When she pulls her head back and opens her eyes she sees that she looks as she feels. Completely drained. Her eyes are a dark brown shade that borders on black, her gaze is hollow. There is Tom's knocking on the door that stops when she turns off the faucet.

„´livia?"

„I'll be out in a minute." Her voice trembles but at least it's loud enough to carry past the closed door.

„Are you okay?" Concern is etched in his tone.

„Yeah. Just got nauseous." Another half truth told. She really makes them count today. „I'll be out," she says again. A wet hand pushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

„Okay." It is not okay at all, he is worried but doesn't want to pester her. When she finally comes out after a couple of more minutes she looks like hell and he can't even say what exactly it is. Something about her eyes, about her face.

„Hey," he tries gently, trying to gauge if he should try and send her to bed or better not say anything at all. Tom has no idea what makes her feel better in these type of situations.

„Hey." She shuffles her feet and makes it to the couch where she sinks down in a heap of exhaustion. Her muscles feel sore from the stiffness that must have overcome her body. After this rather rough flashback slash anxiety attack she has lost every sense of wanting to confide in Tom and she is glad that he hasn't witnessed the whole thing. As a professional in her kind of job and as a patient treated for PTSD she _knows_ there is little that can be done to determine the intensity of a flashback or to avoid it altogether. She knows that it is not something she should be embarrassed for. But she would be if he had seen any of it. She already is because she has probably shown no reaction at all to when he has called out for her from the other side of the bathroom door. _Knowing_ , she thinks, is one thing. Losing control of your body and even feeling like you're losing your mind during and after a flashback however is an entirely different thing.

„Can I get you anything? Another Tylenol? Water?"

A drink would be perfect. A few actually. She'd really like to knock a few shots of hard liquor back but knows it's not going to make anything better. These demons are something she can't chase off by self-medication. They are intrinsic issues after all.

„Water, please?" She sounds so small, it breaks his heart. Nothing like the strong woman she usually is. When she hadn't answered behind the locked bathroom door he had been scared shitless, this close to freaking out. The only sound he had heard was the water running from the faucet for a lot longer than what is considered a reasonable amount of time. In his mind he had seen her unconscious on the floor, possibly injured from the fall.

„Of course." Within seconds he is by her side with a chilled bottle of water and twists the cap off for her. When she takes a few small sips he breathes an inaudible sigh of satisfaction. She hasn't eaten anything because of the nausea her head is giving her so it is good to know she at least stays hydrated.

„Can you make sure Noah goes to bed now?" As much as she wants to do it, she lacks the energy although her son only needs to be tucked in and expects no more than fifteen minutes of story time. But if push comes to shove Noah shouldn't witness an anxiety attack or flashback. If she had to choose, she'd rather she has to come clean to her boyfriend than scare her child.

„Yeah. Absolutely." It is a no-brainer. He is glad she lets him help at all. Olivia has got her pride and she is used to doing everything on her own. Accepting help doesn't come natural to her. His girlfriend asking for help is overly outlandish which tells him that his worrying about her isn't out of place. „Why don't you go ahead and lie down?"

„Yeah, okay." She is too exhausted to object. Her bones are craving the comfort of her mattress and the warmth of a blanket. Rubbing her temples she sits up and all of a sudden it's fight or flight. She feels the pang of upcoming tears and feel weak and pathetic for this emotional reaction. It's a combination of her fatigue, the headache and the continuous onslaught of flashbacks that have kept her on her toes since last night. Luckily by the time the first tear falls Tom is already on his way towards Noah's room. Frantically she brushes the trace of wet away and makes her way to the bedroom where she undresses and slips on a loose t-shirt for the night before she draws the curtains, slips under the covers in the darkened room, and allows herself a minute to cry when nobody can see. Surprisingly it wipes her out to the point where she passes out and slips into a slumber that leads to deep sleep by the time Tom joins her an hour later.

…

An hour after tucking Noah in Tom has quietly climbed into what is now his side of the bed he is still watching his girlfriend although he is totally knackered. A couple of pills and a glass of water are at the ready on Olivia's nightstand in case she is going to wake up with the headache either at night or in the morning. She is fast asleep but Tom needs to convince himself time and time again that Olivia is indeed sleeping peacefully between attempts to come to rest while alternating between lying on his side, facing her and sprawling flat on his back with a hand behind his head. The even rise and fall of the brunette's chest is reassuring but still it takes him almost two hours until he can shut off his mind and close his eyes for the night.

…

It a strangled groan that makes Tom wake up. Slightly disoriented for a moment he tries to make out the source of the agonizing sounds the room is drenched in. He makes sense of it before his hand finds the night switch of the bedside lamp.

„No…no don't." The words aren't a sleepy mumble, they are distinct and sharp and Olivia throws her head to the side as she groans again. The sound reminds him of some kind of wounded animal and yet it is like nothing he has ever heard before. His fatigue causes his brain to process the information much slower than it would in a completely alert state. Groaning. Tossing. Talking.

Nightmare, he pieces together eventually.

„Liv… hey, wake up," he tries in a soothing voice and it does nothing, so he sits up. It is only then that he realizes her breathing is erratic and harsh. Nothing like when he had fallen asleep hours ago.

„Please don't…" The words he hears are from a state of unconsciousness but the terror in them is perceptibly worse than before. He wonders what the hell it is she is pleading for and gently reaches out to touch her arm.

„Baby… you're dreaming." His voice is rough with sleep but he is now completely alert. At his touch her entire body goes rigid and for a moment she stops to breathe and it gives him the worst scare.

„Olivia," he says louder now, all gentleness gone from his tone. He wants her to respond, _needs_ her to respond. Now. There is a lump in his throat as he gives her arm another gentle shake and she sucks in a breath.

 _…_

 _She is pulled under and everything is darkness until she sees him. Until she sees Lewis and his grin and she can smell him, his sweat, his cigarette-breath. His voice taunts and he touches her, drags his hands all over her clothed body and comes to a rough stop between her jeans-clad legs._

 _„You have no idea how much fun this is going to be, Beautiful."_

 _…_

 _It is dark now. Darker. She can't breathe - not through her mouth, only through her nose and even that is so, so hard at times. She is dizzy and drowsy from what he has given her to drink. Water. No, it's just as clear but it has not been water. Vodka. It's as terrifying as it is comforting because Vodka has been her mother's vice. She wants her mother. It is ridiculous because she thinks, she knows that heaven can't help her now so how could her mother? Twenty-four more hours, if that, and it's all going to end._

 _Every Morning, every evening_

 _Ain't we got fun?_

 _Not much money, oh but honey_

 _Ain't we got fun?_

 _The rent's unpaid, Dear_

 _Haven't a car_

 _But smiles were made, Dear_

 _For people like us_

 _…_

 _It's her gun in her mouth and she regrets pushing him because she has pushed too far. She is not done living, not ready to die. There are things undone, so much unsaid. She has never stood by her mother's grave and spoken the words of forgiveness out loud. She hasn't told Elliot that she loves him. Loved him. Past tense. She no longer wants her mother. She's past that. She wants him now. She wants Elliot, because if she has even the tiniest chance at survival, she thinks it is with him. Not because Elliot stabler is that good, but because she knows in this situation her old partner would snap. He'd kill in cold blood. And she'd want him to. She wouldn't try and stop him this time._

…

Her nightmare pulls her deeper. It feels too real. She feels hands on her, grabbing her but she can't tell up from down. Her body goes rigid, she's stiff as a board and she can't breathe.

 _„Let's get to the action."_

„Olivia…" Tom leans over until his body hovers above hers. His fingers tuck her hair behind her ear and he strokes her cheek. „Liv…"

 _„By the time I'll be done with you you will beg me to die, sweetheart. BEG ME." His body hovers above hers and he grabs her breast and squeezes hard until she cries out in the car. His fingertip digs into one of the deeper cigarette burns._

 _…_

She shoots upright with an outcry, her head crashing into Lewis' who groans with the intense pain. Her heart is jack-hammering with sheer panic because this is not supposed to be real. He can't… she can't… He's _supposed_ to be dead. She doesn't know much but she knows _this._ So in the instant her eyes pop open she tries to fight him off, fights for her life and kicks, gets a good one in, too before her hand knocks something over that shatters on the floor.

„Shit… Olivia…"

It is not Lewis' voice and it is not Lewis who is still half hunched over the bottom half of her body, holding his side. She shoots him a confused look as she comes to and clutches the bed sheet to her chest. She only catches on slowly. She has had a nightmare that has seemed all too real. She has thought that Tom was…

She swallows. Audibly. Her heart keeps racing, not with panic but with fright over how this could have happened. When he looks at her in horror she starts shaking.

„I…I'm sorry…" The words are small and she sniffs. „I'm so…sorry…"

His rib hurts like a bitch but what worries him more are her bloodshot eyes and the wild, scared look in the deep brown eyes. Concern etches on his features. This wasn't just a normal nightmare. Olivia had been in sheer terror when she had started to fight him - or whatever ghost haunted her.

„Are you okay?" His head throbs where hers had collided with him. She doesn't answer, but he sees her head drop in shame over what has happened.

Her mind has played a terrible trick on her. Not only has she had one of her worse nightmares where everything seemed so tangible, where she could actually smell and feel and hear Lewis, she had also mistaken her own boyfriend for the beast. When he carefully scoots closer she backs further up until her back bumps against the headboard and he instantly stills. She can't do this right now. She can't take his proximity or his touch and it really has nothing to do with him but with the clutch the dream still has on her.

Tom winces and looks at her, feeling utterly lost and she can tell.

„What can I…is there anything I can do?" He wants to hold her and reassure her and tell her that whatever the hell has her so on edge, she is safe with him. But she retreats and as hard as it is, he respects that.

Olivia studies her surroundings, looks at anything but Tom as her jaw tightens and sour saliva accumulates in her mouth.

 _Shit, shit, shit._ She is going to lose it. She can't fucking deal. With any of this. This day, this night, the flashbacks and the nightmare. With Tom.

„Olivia…" He doesn't even reach out and still she snaps.

„Don't say anything. Just… don't…say… _anything_."

„Okay." And then it's silence because he is too afraid to speak although it feels so wrong to stay quiet.

…

 **End notes: This one was really tough and is not yet over, the next chapter will cover the aftermath of that nightmare. As always I want to thank everyone for reading my word vomit.**


	56. In The Middle Of The Night

RE: Cassidy never left her alone but crowded her after flashbacks or nightmares when what she desperately needed was a few minutes to herself.

Brian had never stayed quiet or stayed away, not unless she put her hands up and to stop him from touching her. He had pestered and pushed until she snapped. Snapped for real. In his mind the lack of her sharing about her most traumatic experiences, flashbacks and nightmares had been because she didn't trust him and refused to let him in completely. Like shutting down had anything to do with the worth of their relationship when in fact Olivia needed to sort out the events leading up to her kidnapping and everything that has happened in the four days with Lewis on her own at a time there had been so much she didn't understand.

Tom is different. He has moved away towards the end of the bed, giving her the space and quiet she has requested both, verbally and through body language. By the way his shoulders are sagged Olivia can tell this isn't easy on him, that he waits for something. And he deserves something. Some kind of explanation. Brian and Ed had at least known what the hell has happened and why she was traumatized. After what has just transpired she owes Tom this much.

Minutes pass and when Tom rubs his palm across his mouth and gets up she finally finds the courage and strength to speak, although her voice sounds alien.

„I needed… when something like this happens I need some space. It's not you I just can't take…"

Her boyfriend turns and the skin on his ribs is reddened where her foot has landed with a purposeful kick. She instantly feels sorry and wonders if it needs medical attention. Ribs crack easily. She knows this. He looks surreptitiously at the brunette trying to gauge if it is okay for him to talk now. At least she no longer refuses to make eye contact.

„Does it hurt?" Her gaze drops to his ribs again and he looks down at himself. It's still a little sore but he'll live.

„I'm good. Just a bruise." The panic and fury have vanished from her face, leaving his girlfriend with a blank expression. „Am I allowed to ask about what just happened or…?"

A heavy breath is exhaled and it's shaky as the corners of Olivia's mouth twitch indecisively. There is a choice he gives her but she wonders if it's sincere or just a pseudo-escape and he really puts her in a double bind.

How healthy can their relationship possibly be if she kicks the man she loves in the ribs and denies him an explanation. There are more anniversaries to come, more nights when nightmares will terrorize her and flashbacks cripple her. At some point the security she feels through Tom's proximity was bound not to be enough, wasn't it?And what are the odds of him avoiding this conversation in the future even if she can avoid it _now_?

She pulls up her legs and sits with bended knees, feet flat on the mattress. Surprisingly she still holds his gaze. „I really don't know where to start," she mumbles and exhales. Her fingers lock and she squeezes the tips of her right fingers with the fingers of her left hand. Her eyes glaze over. „Four years ago today… yesterday…" She doesn't even know what time it is but figures after sleep it's reasonable to consider the time after waking up a new day. Her head falls back against the headboard and she stares at the ceiling as she wipes a knuckle along the underside of her right eye. „We were working a case. It seemed like nothing much at the time we arrested the guy, just an idiot who flashed women in the park. His name is… His name _was_ William Lewis."

As she utters the name Tom sees Olivia's eyes darken. He walks back towards the bed and cautiously sits down on the edge of her side of the bed but leaves a fair amount of space between them, turning his body towards her to face her.

„The circumstances were strange to say the least and we soon realized he had been good for a lot more than just whipping it out in public." She continues only after a brief pause. „He was a serial rapist, a sadist, a murderer…" With a shaking voice she keeps going. „And he was smart. Knew every loophole of the criminal law. He got off with everything he has ever done. Rape, torture, the subsequent death of his victims."

A sickening feeling spreads deep in Tom's gut. He's got an idea of where this might be going and he doesn't like it one bit. He desperately wants to reach out to her, touch her, but he doesn't dare.

„I got too close and too invested and he… he developed some sick kind of fascination with me. I couldn't let it go after he walked out of the courtroom a free man and was sent home for a couple of days. And when I stepped into my apartment…" Her voice cracks and she shakes her head. „I sensed something was not right but before I could… he was there, in my apartment and I had my gun on me but I froze." Worrying her bottom lip she exhales shakily and quickly glances at Tom who rubs his chin. His throat has long since run dry and he doesn't think he wants to hear any more. And yet he is in no position to tell her to stop. Not when a minute ago he has wanted to know what has had her so terrified.

For a moment she stills her fingers, then starts fiddling with edge of the blanket. She knows she is about to expose parts of her that only her shrink has ever seen.

„He kept me at my place for two days and filled me up with alcohol and… prescription pills. Tranquilizers. He's… erm…," she clears her throat and rids her voice of any emotion as much as she can but soon her voice cracks again. „He taunted me, slapped me, kicked and… burned me." The scar on her breast itches at the mention.

It falls into place at the words _burned me._

„The scars," he gets out, voice thick with emotion. His brain can't even comprehend it fully. What he hears are just words but for Olivia it has at some point become a reality. And he can't grasp how a person, any person really, can do something like this to an other. He knows these scars inside out by now, some of them lighter, others darker thank her skin color. Tom had always managed not to see them as something strange, not even the few that show thick cicatrization. Now he can't help but wonder what the vast difference in scarring has resulted from.

„Yeah." She pauses once more when she gets to one of the toughest parts. „He made me watch how…"

To see the single tear slide down the slope of her cheek is all takes for him to break his pattern of keeping his distance. He scoots closer and sits down next to her before he pulls her into his arms and buries his nose in her air, trying to say something that doesn't sounds completely pathetic.

„I've got you…it's okay…" It is not. He knows it is not okay. He thinks this is one of the furthest things from okay he can imagine but he's so lost in this, he doesn't know what else to say to reassure his girlfriend.

Her body trembles in his embrace and it would be so easy to fall apart in his arms and yet she tries to keep herself together. This part has always been the hardest and Olivia wonders if it would be the same for everyone to watch someone else's torment and be spared for the time being or if other people, if _normal_ people would be glad. Relieved. Because when William Lewis had started with Dianne Meyer and had told both women exactly what was to happen next, Olivia hadn't been glad or relieved. She had been utterly terrified to the point she had begged into the duct tape to take her instead and leave the older woman alone. Watching, she thought, couldn't be any better than going through it. Not for a detective who has dedicated their life and professional career to helping victims of sexually motivated crimes. And maybe that is the point where she does Dianne Meyer wrong, where she does any victim wrong because who the hell is she to believe that watching while her own skin was safe, at least for the time being, could possibly be just as bad or worse than experiencing such a violent act and have someone watch every second of it, too. But for her as a cop to feel so useless, so helpless while an other woman was agonized and tortured had been something that is now burned into her mind, something she would love to forget. Every single second Olivia had prayed that Lewis would finally stop hurting Dianne and yet she hadn't been able to influence a thing. Unable to save herself, how on earth could she have done _anything_ to spare Mrs. Meyer?

Before she comes undone she straightens and sits back against the headboard. If she does fall apart now she won't be able to pick herself up. She can cry and she can stop when it is just her but with someone there, ready to console her, she would reach breaking point. When she resumes the conversation her words are a rough, emotional and crippling whisper.

„He made me watch when he… raped… and tortured a woman. _Made me…_ " She expects some kind of reaction but there is no hiss, no gasp. He merely stares at a phantasmal spot on her hands that have gone back to fumbling in an effort of keeping busy. Tom's jaw is clenched and his eyes not their usual brilliant blue. When his hand moves to her stomach to grab hers fresh tears threaten to form. He clutches her palm tight and brings it against his chest, holds it there. Olivia knows he isn't going to let go anytime soon. A single tear falls and she allows it to slide down her face until it finally drips from the side of her chin.

Tom allows her to do this in her own time and she appreciates his silence and acceptance. Brian has always prodded, always expected her to give more, more and more when she had nothing more to offer, when she had needed him to give her time. She had never actively tried to shut him out just because she hadn't been in the right mental place to let him in on everything. And putting all these images in someone else's head, cop or no cop, is not something that comes easy. She dreads this even more now with Tom than she ever has with Cassidy because not only is Tom not a cop, he also has no points of contact when it comes to assault and rape. He works with innocent kids, for God's sake.

With a heavy heart she wants to pull back completely and go back inside herself. He shouldn't have to hear this, her recount of darkness, despair and torment. But when she wants to pull her hand back he doesn't let her, not ready to let go. His gaze finds hers and he can see she wants to retreat so he shakes his head, silently telling her he can take it. Whatever she has been through, if she is strong enough to still stand here a strong woman then he can listen - whenever she's ready.

Olivia knows mechanisms to detach herself emotionally. It is a skill she needs on the job because you can't become an emotional wreck over the things you hear and see, especially not when you are with a victim. Of course things get to her, but most of the time she can rationalize and separate the hard facts of the cases and the emotions they cause. In this however she is not just a cop. She is also the victims. Still. She will always be the victim of this assault, a victim who has witnessed rape, homicide and ultimately Lewis' suicide. But now she needs those goddamn skills because she can't crumble in front of Tom. She needs to stick to the hard facts.

„He drove us out to a beach house over night and ran a red light so he was stopped by an officer." A young one, too but there is absolutely no need to describe the people who have suffered further. Hard facts, she reminds herself again. „He shot him in cold blood. I've seen a lot but… I've never come across anything like him. And I thought I knew how to handle myself in a situation like this. I thought I could influence things somehow but to this day I don't know if I was ever even right. He got to me. He got under my skin and… when I managed to free myself and I had him cuffed and subdued? I was… he still got to me then and I… I lost it. Something within in me clicked and I… I beat him into an inch of his life. I wanted to kill him. I… I don't know what happened to me but I just knew that I wanted to kill him and I have been more than capable. I thought he was dead, I really did. And I didn't have an ounce of regret," she says above a whisper.

„Did he…," instead of finishing the question he swallows. She had said it herself. The guy was a serial rapist. And if she had been at his mercy for three days. Her response is an ironic chuckle.

„No." She sniffs and wipes her nose. „No, he… I don't know if he would have or not. He had plenty of time and opportunities to do it." She is still not entirely sure if she had been right when she had taunted him and told him he wasn't man enough to get it up for a real woman. That she was too strong and had possessed too much willpower. She might have been wrong. Maybe he had wanted to take his time with her because at this point she believes that his own death would have been the consequence even if she had killed him - one way or an other. Lewis hadn't been afraid of death. „He wanted to make everyone think he did, though. When it went to trial he offered to plead guilty but only if he'd get to tell everyone in that court room how he has tortured, raped and sodomized me. He didn't have the guts or maybe he really wanted to take his time, I have no idea. But I wasn't going to let him say all these things he has never done to me. He assaulted me, but he didn't… he didn't rape me."

„So he's in jail." At least that gave Tom an inkling of satisfaction.

„He's dead." But she wasn't ready to go there right now and bring up his escape from prison and the subsequent game of Russian roulette.

Tom nods, hating the fact that he is relieved that twisted human being was no longer alive. He is not a person who wishes death on anyone, he is against the death penalty even for the worst of criminals. He guesses this only proves that things are different when they are personal, when all of a sudden it happens to you - or a person you love. „Okay."

There is so much that Olivia has never told anyone, some of the things her friends and colleagues surely have noticed, others not so much. Like the fact that it's horrible to be in the same clothes for four days that are drenched with an overwhelming stench of blood and perspiration and cold sweat, alcohol and urine creates. How revolting when you realize you have been wearing the same set of underwear for just as long. Or how she had panicked when she thought she had killed Lewis and tried to get her story in order that everything she had done had been necessary in order to subdue him. Nobody knew how it had felt to lie to save her own skin.

„I have PTSD. Flashbacks, night terrors," she says quietly, not looking at Tom. „It's a lot better than it used to be but it's… today it's been four years since he surprised me in my apartment," she explains and front he corner of her eyes she can see Tom nod as he puts the puzzle together. „It's not usually this bad." Her voice is apologetic.

„I wish I would have known… I…" He has that idea that if only he had known, Tom could have done something to help her.

„I was always going to tell you I just… I never knew when that would or should be. I guess I should've said something sooner."

„Is there anything I can…"

„Do? No," she shakes her head and wraps her fingers around his hand. „It helps when you're around, though." She looks at him and then leans her head against his shoulder. „I sleep better when you're here. Often I wake before the nightmares start and I can't go back to sleep. That is much better when I'm with you. I think that's why I asked you here tonight, if I had known it would end like this…" She blushes and he looks down at her.

„You wouldn't have asked me to come over?" It stings to think she trusts him this little.

„It's hard for me to… burden people."

„You are not a burden, Olivia. I… I love you and if there is anything…I… I want you to know that you can tell me."

„I do. I do know. It doesn't make it easier, though. I never had anyone to rely on when I grew up. And now I still like to sort things out for myself. But I really always knew I was going to tell you - at some point. Didn't plan for it to go quite like this. I'm sorry that I… kicked you. And knocked my head against yours." She rubs the sore spot on her forehead that feels like a small goose egg.

„Don't worry about that, okay? Are you… okay now? Considering..?"

„Probably won't go back to sleep," she admits sheepishly. It's not for a lack of sleepiness, she's just scared as fuck of yet another nightmare. „It was a bad one this time. Not that they're ever good but…"

„Are you doing something about it? Seeing someone…"

„I've been in and out of therapy for years, yeah. I don't see my therapist at the moment but I make an appointment when I feel it's necessary."

He would think that a nightmare like this calls for psychological attention but then again what does he know? Olivia probably knows what she is doing. As if reading his mind Olivia continues.

„It's been a rough day - and night, obviously. But I'm… I'm not okay right now but _generally speaking_ I am," she says softly and raises her head with a small smile.

„You're smiling again. It's nice to see." He hasn't seen anything close to it in her today.

„It's kind of… a relief that you know. Not that I want to invite another flashback or nightmare but at least now you'll know what's going on if it happens." She takes a deep breath. „It's probably going to be like this for another day or two. Some subconscious kind of thing that it's worse for the anniversaries."

„I guess it's normal that it would affect you more during that time."

„I guess so, yeah." She sits up now, inspecting the area where he had kicked him. „Seriously though, are you okay?" The red bruise seems to get a couple of shades darker but her eyes might as well play tricks on her in the faint light from the bedside lamp. Tom looks down. He definitely feels it.

„A little sore but I'll live. How's that head of yours?"

„Surprisingly it only hurts when I touch it."

„So it looks worse than it is, guess that's a good sign." She looks at his face, his forehead specifically and can't see a thing there. „And you got lucky. No bruise at all."

„Got lucky there," he smiles and the atmosphere in the room finally feels lighter but there's one more think on his mind that he feels can't wait. „Can I ask one more thing?"

She wonders what it might be and nods. „Yeah. Okay."

„When you've got another nightmare… what do I do? Do I just… do nothing or do I wake you up?"

She has never thought about it. Cassidy had always woken her up when he was there and she figures it was for the best. „You can try and get me to wake up. I'd strongly suggest you do it from a safe distance, though," she says sheepishly.

„Fair enough."

„And I… I know I snapped at you earlier and I'm sorry but… I need some space to get my bearings. Just a few minutes for myself."

„Okay, I can do that," he agrees. „Can I get you something to drink? To eat? Or we could both get up-," he suggests, remembering she said she wouldn't go back to sleep for fear of a repeat. He'd stay up with her and keep her company if she lets him.

„You really don't have to, Tom. You should sleep. Honestly."

„So should you," he shrugs. „We could watch a movie. Or play cards."

„Play cards?"

„I'm damn good at playing cards. Do you have a stack?" She can think of worse things. It beats sitting in front of the TV for hours and battling sleep.

„I think I've got a stack somewhere, yeah. I bought a board game set for Noah last year I think there was a stack in there."

„Great. Ready to lose?" He awakens her competitive streak mainly because she knows that he's so very competitive when it comes to games.

„Keep on dreaming, Tetley." She climbs out of bed and sees the glass she has knocked over earlier. „Maybe we should clean this up first, though." Shards on the carpet. Not a great combination.

„You get the cards, I'll clean up. Oh… and pizza?"

„What?" She thinks he must be out of his mind.

„It's times like this 24-hour delivery was made for."

„Huh," she simply says and shrugs. She could eat, indeed. She has missed all her meals and her stomach is growling now that Tom has brought up food. „I guess Pizza sounds good."

…

An hour later they sit on the living room floor, an open pizza box next to them and card's between them as they are facing each other. Tom has taught her a few card games she hadn't known before, one of them Mau Mau which he himself has learned to play in Germany. Apparantly it's a well-known game over there. For a night after a nightmare this is pretty good in Olivia's opinion. She's distracted, she eats and she's having fun with the person she loves.

„Tell you what, winner gets a question that has to be answered truthfully." He grins at his suggestion. She snorts.

„That sounds like you're going to ask embarrassing stuff."

„Maybe." He's completely nonchalant about it.

She picks a slice of pizza and takes a bite. It has the perfect temperature, not too hot, not cold either. Grease pools on her tongue and it's heavenly.

„Okay, I'm in," she agrees in between bites. He grins and deals the cards as she devours her slice of pepperoni mushroom and onion pizza. She grimaces at her hand. No sevens, no jacks.

„You need a better pokerface, honey."

„How do you know that this is not my pokerface and I'm going to kick your ass?"

„Guess we'll see."

The game is quick and he wins with two sevens.

„Damn," she growls. Not that a pokerface would have been any use. They don't play poker and there is no bluffing in this game.

„Well, I guess I get a question." He wiggles his eyebrows. „Let's see…" Tom decides to go easy on her. „What did you think on our very first date?"

Olivia's eyes widen with surprise. She would have expected something very different. Their first date had been a wonderful experience with amazing food at UVA. But it had ended abruptly and unfortunate.

„Okay I thought that you were an amazing guy, outspoken, funny but also a gentleman and I was surprised that it hadn't felt like a first date at all because usually there's some awkwardness and silence where one party doesn't know what to say and that hasn't been an issue with us, there was always some sort of conversation going on. I thought it was quite beautiful. And I felt awful for how I blew it in the end."

„Yeah. You didn't really have to go and relief Lucy did you?"

„No, I didn't. I was just so shocked when you said you were thirty-seven and felt so utterly stupid that I hadn't _known_. I don't even remember what I was thinking, it was just such a knee-jerk reaction." Shuffling the cards he sees her take another slice.

„Can I have a bite?" When she looks at him she finds his mouth is open and smiling she puts the corner of the triangle in his mouth. „Thanks."

They play another round and again she loses. „Come on, you marked the cards. There's no way you get all those sevens by chance."

„Sore loser?"

„Just sayin'. Fine, so you get another question. Go."

„What is one of the best things that have happened to you in the past few weeks?"

There have been a couple of good things in the past few weeks. Like meeting Tom's parents and sister last month for Easter, that had been a very nice experience. But one event stood out and she hadn't expected it at all.

„Well, if you want context then I'd have to tell you some general facts about a case that I've worked a long time ago."

„Okay," he nods, knowing she'd only mention what needs to be mentioned.

„Eleven years ago we worked a case where a girl called 911 and they put her through to me. Her name was Maria. She claimed that she was held captive in a room and was sexually abused by the man who took care of her, as well as other men. We were pressured for time because she had been calling from the guy's phone and couldn't locate her either - he knew what he was doing. It entailed child ponography. Long story short we found her alive and it was a close call but we found her. And last week I received a letter and a picture and she thanked me and told me that she was going to college now and graduated an A student. So that's… that's been a pretty amazing thing to see what ten, eleven years can do and how she had caught up on everything she has missed in school. She's twenty now and has turned into this beautiful woman. And it's just one of those moments where I know why I still do what I do, you know?"

„Wow." There are no words for how good it must feel to Olivia. She has given a girl a life, a chance.

„Yeah," she smiles. „That's what I do it for. Not so I can get thank you letters but to see how a life can change. And that even when you have been through the worst things imaginable we are strong enough to go on - well, some people at least."

He nods. For the very first time he truly understands what drives her, what keeps her doing this kind of job. Again he deals. She wins.

„If a family member or a friend of yours needed a kidney and you were a match, would you give it up?" She has no idea why this kind of question has popped up in her head but it is what it is. He chuckles and takes a slice of pizza.

„Sure. I mean, I probably would have to think about it really hard if I had children because in that case I'd always wonder ‚what if my kid one day needs a kidney and I'd be a match' but since that's not the case," Tom shrugs and his smile falters, the dimples vanish. „I'd give a kidney."

She has never even considered that when she had told Elliot that she'd give him a kidney. At the time she could still have had biological children and he already had four, now five. Ultimately she wonders if he had even been serious. It's strange to think they once would have been ready to give the other an organ, at least she wouldn't have thought about it twice, and now they don't even talk.

„What's that look?" It looks like Olivia has zoned out for a moment.

„Oh, nothing really. I just remembered that years ago when I still worked with my old partner… we once told each other if it ever came down to it we'd give the other a kidney. He had four kids at the time. I never even thought of that you know. That his children are…were a factor." And an important one.

„Yeah, I think it can be easy not to think everything through. And just because it would have stopped me doesn't mean it would any other person."

He shuffles again and Olivia worries her bottom lip, wondering if she should ask what else is on her mind. Within seconds Tom seems to sense it and looks at her.

„This the part where you expect me to offer my kidney to you if you ever need it?" Clearly it is a joke and she scoffs and shakes her head.

„No. I was just wondering… how you found out that you can't…"

„Have children?" The direction the conversation is taking isn't surprising him, truthfully he had expected her to say something months ago.

„Yes. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I get that it's personal…"

„We're a couple, I think it doesn't get much more personal than that, does it?" He attempts a smile that refuses to come through. „It was inflammation in my testicles that has been missed for too long. One day I collapsed in pain, one of my testicles was swollen to twice its usual size. The doctors were hopeful that I could still have children and I've undergone plenty of testing in the following months. There has been too much damage to both testicles. I don't know though if it hasn't been a problem before. When this happened my Mom told me that this has been an issue in my childhood, too. So who knows." Every word comes with what could be mistaken for indifference but Olivia knows this too well. Tom detaches from his emotions because it is much easier this way.

„I'm not sure what to say." And it's probably the dumbest thing to say but it's the truth. Olivia wonders if his life had taken an other turn if he could have children. Would he still be with his ex, living in the house they had rented, raising a couple of kids on Long Island? Or would she still have cheated on him and left eventually? Would she herself even be an option if he could procreate? Probably not. And it isn't a question she wants to ask or get an answer to.

„There's really nothing to say, Olivia. It's… it's okay the way it is."

„But is it?"

„By now it is. I'm in a good place here with you. It's no-one's fault, it's just… what it is," he offers a small smile and puts the cards down. „And I wouldn't trade what we have for the best swimmers in the world." It sounds like a joke but it is the truth. He wouldn't want to change a thing about what they have.

„That's probably the weirdest declaration of love I've ever heard," Olivia laughs softly and moves in closer for a kiss. For a day and night like this everything has turned out quite okay with them sitting here like this. And it is much better than sitting in her living room alone, trying to keep her eyes open. Or to stop Brian from asking the same questions all over again, more detailed questions. Things she wouldn't want to answer and that only her shrink knew about. „I love you."

„You only say that because I bought you pizza at one in the morning," he teases.

„That might be true," she laughs and he is mock offended. „Deal the cards. I want another questions."

…


	57. Falling Sun

It is 5:30 PM when Olivia leans back in her office chair, a smile cracking her lips in two. The day is officially done. She has finished all of the necessary paperwork, answered all of her emails, made her phone calls and then some. It has been a rather uneventful day for the Special Victims Unit. Fin has typed up his DD5's and Amanda and Carisi have quietly done some research and investigating on the computer. All in all it has been a pretty good day she thinks and stretches her limbs.

In two hours she is going to meet Tom and they are going to go out on an actual date, something they haven't done in months. They have grown way too comfortable with him coming over in the evenings, often with take-out. And most of the time they had sunk into the sofa with the TV running. Until a few days ago Tom had told her they couldn't keep doing this and he was going to take her out on Friday and he was going to go all out - so yes, she is fully expected to put on a dress and heels and just a little more make-up than she wears in the day. And she is looking forward to it. A night out with good food and drinks is just what Olivia needs. She loves her home life and the time she gets to spend with Noah. And ever since Noah has met Tom with her boyfriend and her son. But some quality time with just the man she loves at a romantic restaurant seems necessary at this point, something where they can unwind and truly catch up. Take-out and bedtime stories aren't glamorous at all. And they aren't very sexy, either. It hadn't taken Tom any convincing when he had said he wants to wine and dine her properly, pamper her a bit, although he really does a lot of pampering all the time.

The light of her laptop screen illuminates her desk as she switches off the desk lamp and her five-year old son is grinning at her from a photograph taken on his birthday. She changes the pictures regularly once every year. The photo was taken on Noah's birthday and she remembers that day and her breakdown over the goddamn cake too well. She also remembers how Tom as put it all in perspective for her that night and made her feel a little less like a failure.

They have been a couple for ten months and it amazes her that she has gotten through that much time with minimal fighting and no running away as soon as there were obstacles in the way. She still gets her moments of doubt, maybe she always will, but they no longer cripple her. They no longer scare the shit out of her. Instead it brings her closer to Tom. When she feels doubt gnawing away at her and the insecurities seep from her bones she cuddles up to him and without needing to tell him about any of it, she is instantly reassured by his touch. She has grown to love the chipped calluses on the fingertips of his left hand that she so often takes, rough from playing the guitar for all of his life or how her face fits perfectly in that little nook of his neck where he smells so much like the complete essence of Tom - a heady concoction of soap, traces of sandalwood from his aftershave and something that is his very own scent. Olivia has come to realize that with her nose nuzzled up in that very spot everything is better and doubt is no doubt at all.

For all of her life she has prided herself on being strong and independent but lately she consciously allows herself to depend on someone else. Realistically speaking there will always be her urge to be in charge and pull all of the strings but she allows herself to put the strings down sometimes. Never for long, of course. And she's mostly guarded about it and watching like a hawk but for the first time in her life she trusts. When she feels that trust in someone else - that Trust she has in Tom - her chest swells and in some moments it all crashes into her. How much she loves him. How much she needs him and how much she wants him. It also shows her in crass contrasts that she hasn't thrived in the past, hasn't thrived without him and hasn't thrived with anyone else. For her entire life whenever Olivia has started a relationship or even started dating she has seen the complications first. The warning signs had always been there in hot, bold letters glaring at her. And like a good girl she had minded these things. And after a few relationships gone wrong she has eventually started to see complications and obstacles everywhere. Especially after she has had Noah. And as much as these mountains of baggage and worries and all the warning signs had scared the living crap out of her - she has overcome all of it. With Tom she has climbed every hurdle, they have taken every step together. For once in her life she hasn't run and she prides herself. But more than that she knows she has Tom to thank for it. He is different than everyone she has ever been with. And he truly makes her better, makes her want to be better. With him she doesn't just _think_ she wants a future, she knows she does. She can see herself living with him, not because her place is in shambles and she conveniently has a boyfriend and it somehow makes sense because it's the logical next step but because she wants to wake up with him in the morning and fall asleep to his face at night. Because she loves how his guitar playing fills the apartment with the sweetest tunes and his singing voice makes her skin crawl. Because he's a tidy guy and someone who loves to take care of the people he cares about and since he's around several times a week her fridge is magically stocked all the time and her home is filled with much more laughter when Tom is with them. But most of all she hates to come home knowing he is at his place because her bed is a lonely place when his side is empty and it is too quiet in her room when the sounds of their quiet conversations or the music of their love making composed of moans and gasps don't fill the air.

With him she changes. Of course nothing ever stays the same and Olivia has changed in the past twenty years but something much more fundamental about her changes with Tom. She opens up now and dares to say things she never has before. It's still step by step but she no longer hides everything away. She says _I love you_ freely and she says it a lot, sometimes only to remind herself how far she's come with him. She also realizes that her priorities shift.

In the past she has rarely had a proper breakfast. For her it was normal to make Noah something while she nursed a strong coffee and it wasn't for a lack of time or an appetite. As soon as Olivia used to wake her mind was usually on her morning routine with Noah and her cases. Lately she no longer does that. She tries to actively _not_ think of work before she steps into the 16th precinct of Manhattan and in turn she is more relaxed, less on edge. She has Tom to thank for that, too because he had pointed out to her that she was way too tense in the morning. Sometimes she still is and when he is around and notices that her mind starts wrapping around a case before she has even gotten out of bed he relieves that stress in wonderful and magical ways that make Oliva's toes curl. She has never been a morning sex person - or so she had thought for thirty-something years of her life. But then Tom doesn't play fair in that regard. It's hard not to love being coaxed awake by gentle hands and persuasive lips that ghost over her shoulders and neck and snake over the slope of her hips, putting her body in a state of want and arousal before she has even cracked an eye open. Olivia is pretty sure that they have had sex while both of them were still half asleep on more than one occasion only to be wiped out by an orgasm.

She stays in bed now. On the weekends. She stays in bed with Tom until they hear Noah is awake and sometimes they sleep and sometimes they don't but the extra hour is giving her so much every time, she actually thinks it makes her a better mother, less on edge and more prepared for everything life is throwing at her. So much energy has been wasted in the past and she learns to just be. To rest. To do nothing and just allow the silence to fill with thoughts or enjoy to her her boyfriend's beating heart when her head is on his chest. He is her lifeline when everything around her is pandemonium. Her haven of peace and quiet.

She sits up straight and her fingertip slides over the mousepad of the MacBook to power down the device when her phone rings and the sound settles in her stomach like a bad omen. For a moment Olivia debates not to pick up and see if her cell will go off next but the good cop in her wins the battle and with dread she answers the landline to her office and listens before her eyes droop low and her shoulders sink. Of course this happens on the one night she really wants off, the one Friday in _months_ she has plans. Furrowing her brow her free hand comes to scratch her forehead as she listens to the information given to her. 23-year old female. Possibly a gang rape. En route to the hospital but it's touch and go. She kisses dinner goodbye because no way is she going to make it in two hours, even if she wanted to show up in her work attire.

She exchanges niceties. Thank you and they will be there in twenty. Her elbows drop onto her desk and she sighs as she combs her hair back with both hands. She hates this job sometimes. It's not supposed to mess with her private life like that, not today when she wanted to have a fantastic dinner at a lovely and expensive restaurant. And she really, really, really wanted to have sex tonight, too because it's been a goddamn week and the entire period sex thing sounds half bad right now. Shame on her that she hadn't taken the opportunity Tuesday night. Shame on him that he's stopped bringing it up.

Blowing out a breath she grabs her phone and calls Tom. Her heart sinks when she hears his chipper voice on the other end of the line.

„Hey there. Are you home yet? I wanted to get on my way now." She can hear rustling in the background and figures he's in fact just leaving.

„Hey, listen I won't be able to make it to dinner," she apologizes and purses her lips. „I just got a call and from the sound of it it's a big one. Probably gonna be late."

„Nah, shit." He pauses for a moment thinking. „Alright, is it okay if I go to your place? I can relieve Lucy, send her home if that's okay with you. No need to keep the sitter around. I can tuck him in. Maybe wait up for you." Olivia mulls it over in her head. It isn't the worst idea and she trusts him enough. Noah loves to spend time with Tom and it's not going to be the first time they are alone. They have been to the playground without her a few times and were planning a trip to the movie theater next so she knows he can swing it and at least she'd get to come home to him later.

„You don't have to but… if you would, sure. I'll let Lucy know."

„Okay. Next time, huh? I'll cancel the reservations." The disappointment is palpable and she understands it fully. The past few weeks have been unusually calm, she hasn't been on call much and when she was she didn't have to leave except for once in the afternoon. Olivia figures it is true - all good things do come to an end. It's a rough wake up call. This is still Special Victims and the sons of bitches do not play by her schedule.

„Yeah," she breathes. „I'm really sorry, I was looking forward to it."

„Me too. I'll grab dinner on the way over so when you get home there'll be either Pizza or Spaghetti or something."

„Great. Erm… I gotta go. Love you."

„I love you, too."

…

They see a hell of a lot on their job. It's in the nature of these crimes. Rape in itself is always a violent act but it can be an act of violence that leaves no traces, no marks behind on a body. And there's this case where the damage inflicted goes beyond what the word violence should cover. Their victim is a young woman and the perps have done a number on the brunette. Before she has lost consciousness on the scene, in the basement of her apartment building, she managed to tell the EMT that she was raped by two men. The injuries and hell their victim has suffered haven't been unlike anything else Olivia has seen in her career but it's definitely pretty close. Her and Fin had checked out the crime scene while Amanda had gone straight to the hospital and for as many rape crime scenes they have seen this has been a blood bath. When Amanda checked in with them and let them know the extent of their victim's injuries it had made sense. Stab wounds, multiple fractures of the ribs, face full of cuts and contusions broken nose, a broken arm and that was before they knew the extent of the internal damage. CSU has taken over the crime scene, looking for a shred of evidence.

By the time Olivia and Fin arrive at the hospital it was 8:50 PM and Millie Schimmel is in the OR fighting for her life. An intern has been out once and informed Amanda it was still very much touch and go. There were extensive internal injuries as well as brain swelling and at this point there was no telling if the young woman would make it out alive. They all could go home but since Millie has no-one here to wait for updates or be by her side in case she makes it there is a silent understanding that they all stay. It doesn't have to be said out loud or decided on. The Lieutenant and the two detectives remain in the uncomfortable chairs of the waiting area. At 12:04 AM the sobering news come in. Millie hasn't made it. Their victims has succumbed to her injuries.

Olivia wipes her mouth with the inside of her hand. She can't help but think once again how life is unfair. A young woman who had her entire life before her still. Dead. Just like that. Raped and brutalized and dead. She sees their case go out the window because they all know how these things go without a victim, without a witness. They have no description of the perps, nothing at all to go on if CSU fails to collect damning evidence. There's still the rape kit they can do on their dead victim Olivia doesn't have too much hope for this one. Her night is more than ruined at this point.

„Need a lift home, Liv?" It's Fin who asks as they shuffle towards the exit of New York Presbyterian to get to the parking garage. She could take a cab but a lift sounds more comfortable. At least there will be no music blasting from the radio and she isn't interested in starting a conversation with a way too chatty cabbie tonight either.

„Yeah, thanks." She makes a weak smile appear. Amanda trudges behind them and she seems to take this one particularly hard if the anger in her feet is any indicator. „You need a day, Rollins?" She is catching tomorrow but if need be Olivia will take over.

„No, I'm good." By the sound of it she isn't good at all but Olivia nods. Sometimes the blonde reminds her of herself a few years ago and yet they are so different.

„Alright."

After a few more moments their ways part and Olivia climbs into the passenger seat of the car. She rubs her temples and by now the late hour is getting to her. Fin pulls his door closed with a loud thud and she blows out a long breath.

„You okay?" There is concern edged in Fin's voice and she nods, however briefly. Are they ever really okay? Their cases are all rough, it never gets easier to hear the recounts of domestic violence, sexual assault and rape. But some cases… Some cases make her wonder how they still do it after all these years. How they haven't lost their minds. Fin and her have seen so many detectives come and go in SVU. Some lasted only a few months, some a year or two. It is not normal that they are still around. She knows what motivates her but has never figured out what it is for Fin. After long moments of silence Olivia swallows.

„Do you ever feel like it's just one more? Like what we do makes no difference at all?"

„From time to time." They were only human and every now and then there are cases that make him question everything, cases that make walking away look pretty damned fine. But there's always something that brings him back and Olivia is part of that. He sticks around for her. He'd never tell her that but he's looking out for her, always has. He wouldn't have worried too much if Stabler hadn't left but since he's been gone he has taken up the cause of making sure Olivia is alright. It isn't his only reason, of course, but definitely a big one. It's only them at this point. Stabler couldn't cut it anymore, which hadn't been surprising. The combination Elliot Stabler and shooting a young girl, no matter the circumstances, was bound to break him. He understood that the former SVU detective hadn't been ready to jump through all of IAB's hoops in hope of being cleared. Munch had done his time and even Cragen had known when to retire. There was no one else left but him and Liv - the oldies.

„I haven't felt so jaded in a long time," she admits, staring out her side of the window. It's Millie's death that has brought it all on and is dragging these feelings up. After a long time she feels completely out of control like nothing she does is ever going to bring justice for the young woman that has died on the table not even an hour ago. It's fighting a losing battle. Always has been. But tonight it is unbearable. Thick fingers wrap around the back of her neck in a supportive gesture. They don't usually do this - touch. Not like this anyway. But her eyelids droop as her head falls forward at the touch, allowing herself to be consoled.

„You need a drink?" He'd buy her one. He'd buy her as many as she needs to forget but she shakes her head without looking up.

„I just wanna go home." The answer surprises the both of them equally. It's what they do - drown their losses in overpriced drinks in the next best bar. But tonight she doesn't want the comfort of liquor. She wants to take a shower and slip into bed next to Tom. To bring her body flush against his and breathe him in and allow his body and scent and his soft snoring to lull her to sleep.

Olivia doesn't know when she has started to seek refuge from the job in Tom's arms. She figures it has been a gradual process. She doesn't talk about her job, not really. She doesn't think she ever will be ready to put these images in his head.

„Then I'll take ya home," he agrees and pull his hand back, attaching it to the steering wheel. He allows her a few more seconds in silence before the engine roars to life.

…

The apartment is pitch dark when she enters and fumbles for the light switch of the living room. Quietly she closes the door and kicks off her shoes before she crosses the room on tiptoes. Reaching her son's bedroom door she quietly pushes it open and leans against the doorframe. The light from the living room casts a soft glow at Noah's bed and his sleeping form makes her heart ache a little less. Olivia bites her bottom lip and decides to let him sleep peacefully and not sit down by his side.

„Sweet dreams," she whispers and closes the door as quietly as possible. Exhaling heavily she makes her way over to the fridge. They had lasagna for dinner and although her stomach growls she closes the door and decides not to eat. She doesn't feel like it after tonight. Instead she grabs the bottle of water on the counter, twists off the cap and takes a few healthy sips. She listens for any noise but there is only her own breath and her own beating heart that she can hear. It's almost one in the morning and while part of her is glad that Tom is obviously asleep there's also the part that for once had wished he would still be up to take her mind off of Millie Schimmel's brutal rape and subsequent death.

„Go to bed," she tells herself and put the water bottle down. She makes her way to the bedroom, turning off the lights. She knows this place inside out, even in the dark. Trying to make as little noise as possible Olivia strips off her clothes on the way to the bathroom, hearing Tom's soft snoring. Headlights pass the window pane and illuminate her boyfriend's sleeping form in the bed, making the brunette smile. He's lying on his stomach, one arm hugging the pillow. One foot dangles off the side of the bed as he exhales through his lips. Tearing herself away she slips into the bathroom. Her body craves a shower but she is too tired. She is in only her underwear and decides to only brush her teeth and take that shower in the morning.

She slides on a tank top and slips under the covers and turns onto her side so she is facing the sleeping man next to her. He looks peaceful, his lips slightly parted and Olivia surpasses the urge to reach out and touch his handsome face.

Her thoughts drift back to Millie Schimmel, wondering if she had someone in her life. A boyfriend or a girlfriend. Someone who loved her. She wonders if Millie at twenty-three years old has every truly loved. Tears start to prick at her eyes and she squeezes them shut. For the first time in a decade Olivia Benson wonders what she does it for anymore. Where is the sense if there are so many victims they can't save, so many convictions they can't get because the system has more holes than Swiss Cheese. Is it worth the stress, the hours, everything she gives and sacrifices? Is it really worth it anymore?

The last time she has questioned her job has been months after Sealview when PTSD has hit her hard and knocked the breath right out of her. Ever since then however she has thrown herself into her work, choking off doubt before it even started forming. After Lewis she was even more determined to keep going. She didn't allow the man to take her job from her, too. Not when he had already taken so much.

For the first time she honestly wonders if there could be something else out there for her to do and the thought is scary and comforting at the same time. She has never given it any real thought and thinks that maybe she should. The notion is fleeting. She knows she isn't going to change anything anytime soon. SVU is still where her heart is and where she thinks at least part of her belongs. But however fleeting, Olivia realizes that it won't be the last time she considers other options, even if she'll only be ready to leave in a year or two or even five.

She doesn't realize that she is crying until she has to sob with the heaviness that's spreading in her heart. Next to her Tom stirs awake, his voice deep with sleep.

„You're home."

„Yeah," she manages and instantly his body scoots closer and within seconds she is encased by his warm, strong body.

„´bout time," he mutters and kisses her wet cheek and it takes him a few moments until he pieces the puzzle together and realizes she is crying. „What happened?"

Sniffling she wipes the tears off of her cheek. „Our victim died. It just seems so…" She shakes her head and his lips press against her temple.

„I'm sorry."

She inhales shakily and shakes her head. „I really, really would have liked dinner a lot better," she manages.

Tom sits up and pulls her against his chest, stroking her hair. She doesn't usually cry about work. He knows by her mood when he case has been tough but he has never heard or seen her actually cry over it. „Is there anything I can do?"

Shaking her head a muffled sob meets his bare chest. „I'm sorry, I'm not usually…"

„It's okay. It's fine. Sometimes you just gotta let it out."

She breathes in and breathes out and calms down, biting her bottom lip as she finds solace in his arms. „How was your night?" She needs a distraction, to hear what he's been doing before bed, if Noah has gotten down okay.

„Let's see. I picked up dinner and then I had to convince Lucy she was really fee for the night because you didn't call her like you said you would," he mumbles into her hair with a soft chuckle and it is in that moment that she knows what she has forgotten.

„Shit, sorry."

„It was okay though, she wasn't too unhappy either to get outta here early. Noah and I had dinner. On the couch. With cartoons running and he told me that I shouldn't tell you because you don't like that at all."

She chuckles because her son knows her well. It's not that she's totally against eating on the couch but the _family meals_ she likes to have at the table.

„I read him a story and he wanted to call you but I didn't think it would be a good idea, figured you'd be busy. He was a little sad about it but I promised him you'd be here soon and he was out as a light a few minutes later."

„So everything went well," she smiles against his chest. Her face feels tight and caked from crying.

„It did. No problems at all. Were you worried?"

„A little. It was the first time you were doing this with him - alone at least."

„Wanna try and get some sleep? You must be so exhausted." His breath tickles her hairline as he shifts into a more comfortable position.

„Sleep sounds good," she whispers, molding her body to Tom's as he shifts into the perfect position. He is warm and familiar and his body is so welcoming that it's easy to forget everything else for the time being. The exhaustion fills her bones when she allows her eyes to close and settle against her lover. Tranquility comes over her body with the even rise and fall of Tom's chest as he whispers to her.

„G'night ´livia."

„Night."

It doesn't take him longer than a minute to fall back asleep and she wishes it would be this easy for her, too. It's quiet and she stares at the window, noticing the cars that pass by, one every twenty seconds or so. She thinks it is a blessing that this time it is only a name haunting her, not Millie Schimmel's broken face and spirit. She wouldn't see the extent of the woman's injuries until sometime next week when the pictures from the morgue come in or Olivia stops by the M.E. herself - although she might just pass on this one and let her detectives handle it.

Curling her body into Tom's she finally closes her eyes and decides not to open them again until morning. She focuses on Tom's breath, how his body moves against her as he inhales and exhales gently. His arm is around her and she feels incredibly safe like this, with him. And before long she drifts off into sleep.

…

 **END NOTES: This is probably the last chapter for awhile, just wanted to let you know. I really have no idea when I'll be able to update again but promise I will try to find time to write whenever possible.**


	58. This Love

**A/N: Ha, I somehow managed to get this one out before life will get rather hectic for me starting tomorrow. And more good news - the next chapter is well underway as well.**

...

Olivia wakes in the early morning hours when the sun crawls above the roofs of the city. She cracks her eyes open, eyelids fluttering before she allows them close again and settles against the warm body behind her. At this hour quiet still engulfs them, the city will only come to life in about an hour when the commuters head to the subways and Grand Central and business men and women take their cabs. It is never completely silent however and she thinks she misses that tranquility in the Tetley's backyard where there was nothing to hear except their own voices. The air had been clean and fresh and when they had walked through the forest she could smell moldy, moist forest ground. She could actually hear birds there accompanying their every step with their song and twigs cracked beneath her shoes. She could _breathe_ there. Although it wasn't a big forest she had felt like she was embraced by broadleaf and conifers as far as she could see and it was so beautiful and so much more quiet than New York City could ever be at 4:55 in the morning. She thinks of the narrow path they have all walked two months ago and she misses how it had made her feel and tries to remember all that Tom has told her about their shenanigans they have done in the small woodlot as kids and how it had filled her with wonderment. What would she have done if she and her friends had had a forest to play in? All of these trees to climb upon and play hide and seek until dark?

Up until now she has never felt regret over having grown up in the city and raising her own child in the same environment, too. But ever since she has seen where Tom has grown into an adult and how exciting and free he must have been there is something within in her that yearns for… something. For more. For a place where there is so much quiet that she can actually hear herself think, a place where she can hear the birds sing and where the air isn't made from exhaust gases, stuffiness and piss.

She turns her face a little further into the softness of her pillow and makes a conscious effort of keeping her eyes closed and her wakefulness away for a little longer. Tom's chest heats her from the outside in where it is attached to her tank top clad back. Pushing herself a little further against him, Olivia allows herself to be engulfed by him and his body heat and as if on cue one arm snakes around her middle, pulling her impossibly closer against her as he exhales gruffly into her thick hair that has by now reached shoulder length since she had cut it off a year ago. Tom's hand flexes against her stomach, his fingertips digging into the familiarity of his girlfriend's soft skin where the tank has ridden up. She hums because not only does she feel safe, it also feels incredibly good in this warm cocoon. She never wants to leave the chrysalis his arms, his body provides. It is almost enough to lull her completely back to sleep. Almost. But there's also his lower half that now attaches to her behind, making her bite her bottom lip because feeling his semi-hard manhood against her but sends a jolt of arousal down her spine and it meets her right between her legs. Throat dry she swallows audibly. At least she can hear it loud and clear before she exhales with a heart that is beating a little too fast. A small sound is thrown in there for good measure and she wonders if Tom is still asleep or as aware as she herself.

She doesn't move and rests against him stiff like a board before she brings one hand to the one that is resting on her stomach. The second she covers the back of his hand his fingers spread and lace into her.

„Morning." The words are muttered in a whisper, his voice coming out filled with sleep. The awareness that he is at least somewhat awake covers Olivia's arms in goosebumps. And honestly, not just her arms. She revels in the silence of the room for a few seconds and doesn't allow the noises from outside to filter in. There is only his breath in her hair soft and even accompanied by her thumping heart.

„Hm." It's the smallest sound she gives in acknowledgement and when he exhales it tickles her neck because he's moving his face further down. Olivia doesn't quite trust her voice, thinking it would be too shaky and give her state of arousal away instantly. She breathes in slowly through her nose to keep herself grounded but when she exhales it's ragged.

„Time issit?" His lips rasp against against the column of her neck, making her shiver as his hand slips beneath her tank and pushes upward until his fingertip makes contact with the underside of her breast. His thumb skims over her costal arch and she tenses when she lets another breath escape through her lips. She is too aware of him and his every touch as she tries to remember how to answer him.

„Five-ish."

„Too damned early," he decides. Her lips quiver when his words hit her pulse point and the tension within her builds. She physically aches for him, is too aware of him, wants him. There is literally no space between the back of her and the front of his body and if she could, if she could at all, she'd get even closer. There is the barrier of clothes - too many clothes. His boxer briefs, her tank and panties, although screw the tank, really. That's not something she needs to get rid of. A few long moments pass and as if he can somehow read her mind his hand pushes up further and a breath gets stuck in Olivia's throat. She thinks he is going to palm her breast, instead he only teases, brushes her nipple with the outside of his thumb and simultaneously pushes his groin against her ass. She feels his response to her body instantly and he gives a groan as her nipple stiffens against his nail. She wonders if his eyes are still closed or if he watches her without hesitation because she knows he likes to look at her in these moments. Her entire body hums with contentment and need alike. And finally it's too much and she can't hold it in. She purrs and pushes back against him, wordlessly telling him she wants. She needs. More. Him.

It's like she's flipped a switch because his lips are on her then, caressing her shoulder with the whisper of a kiss, nothing rushed. It's never really rushed in the morning. It's sensual and soft and so, so quiet. Delicate. He cups her breast and exhales audibly as he grows completely hard against her behind and her head drops forward just a little as her hand comes up to cover his and pushes it against the plump flesh he's holding in his palm. The entire bottom half of her torso throbs with desire. It's funny that she still responds to him this way, that their sexual relationship hasn't cooled off now that they knew each other better because in the past it always has. The sex isn't always earth shattering but it's always good, never unwelcome.

A soft moan falls from her lips and he takes it as an invitation to let his hand wander. His knuckles skim down her side and when he reaches her hip back up, taking the thin cotton material of her top with it until her breasts are exposes and in the open. His mouth finds a pathway to her upper arm and when she lightly turns her head and gazes at him he sees his eyes are open but hooded with his own arousal. His cerulean eyes are trained on her tits and he's always been a breast man.

Encouraging him she moves against him, just barely but she moves, sways. Her hand comes to the waistband of her panties and lifting her hips a little she tugs the piece of underwear down.

„So eager," he groans and his hand is on her breast again with a firmer grip now but only for a few seconds, only so she knows what she is doing to him before his hands are soft, dancing across her skin and rubbing her nipple.

„Please," she breathes. It's almost inaudible. He might be all she ever needs she thinks, she believes. He breathes into her neck again and he's too much and it's too little so, she bites the inside of her cheek to contain herself. More morning light filters into her bedroom and a beam of light lays over her arm and face warming up her already heated skin. She trembles. Trembles from the way he's holding her, touching her, resting so firmly against her backside. Olivia has always been a cop first, has never fully let her guard down, but with him like this, in the early morning as the summer sun kisses them awake in late June, every last wall crumbles to the ground. He weakens her very last defenses, disarms her. For a moment the weight of the world is not resting on Olivia's shoulders. She's feels light, free. She is becoming that person that is so different from who she has been for her entire life, the person her mother, all of her past experiences and the job made her.

It's his warm chuckle that makes her close her eyes again and she falls into the sound of him completely. It's a low rumble, sweet and vibrating before there's a little snort through his nose that hits her square in her raging abdomen. That hand is on her thigh now, on the outside, rubbing gentle but big circles against her skin and she can't help but think that she needs his touch elsewhere because the bundled lust aches and burns between her legs. Her stomach plummets, her mouth runs dry. Those fingers tease as they drop to the front of her thigh and although her muscles scream she opens her legs up a little. When she breathes out it's staccato. Her entire leg shakes violently and she can't take it, can't keep it up even an inch for much longer.

It is not normal that he can do these things to her. That she hangs on his touch like this, a whiff of nothing under his touch. Everything about this feels so right and yet wrong because it's still nothing but stuffy heated air against her throbbing and moist sex. Actions are quicker then. He pushes down his briefs, just past his hips, and she can feel him completely hard against her buttcheek as his other hand combs her hair back. She arches her neck and feels him suckle on the back of her neck as he shifts, trying to find his way into her.

„Wait," she breathes and moves, pushing her behind further into him, arching her back to make it easier for Tom. His touch burns her and when he slips inside she gasps softly.

„Okay?"

„Yeah."

He rocks forward, burying himself into her slowly, a tad deeper with every soft motion of his hips.

„Let me…" Again she moves and shifts her lower half into the perfect angle where she feels more of him. „Like that…"

He adjust to her, exhales against her hair.

„That better?"

„Hm-hm." He drives himself a little deeper and she is impossibly warm and wet, silken walls encasing his length. He rocks on, continuously, gradually burying all of him inside her.

Olivia falls completely silent. He thinks she doesn't even breathe as he rests against her and holds still. Eventually she releases a laden breath when his hand finds her sex. He avoids the small bundle of nerves and strokes her labia, knowing she likes that and her response is imminent as she bucks against him. Perspiration builds beneath the comforter and between them, the heat is just right, however.

His hips are blissfully familiar as they meet hers and the pace is slow, like he is trying to rock her back to sleep. When she comes, long before him, it wipes her out. Her eyes remain closed and she dozes a little, barely aware of what's happening anymore. All she realizes is that she feels warm and fuzzy and so, so comfortable as he rest against her, rests inside her. The only thing keeping her from falling fast asleep are the mellow surges Tom creates with his hips every now and then.

…

He knows she is half-asleep like so often. He only moves a little to keep his erection at all, wants to stay inside of her, close to her. He finds peace within her, in her warm and soaked depths that encase him completely. The sheet beneath him is drenched with his sweat because underneath the covers there is too much heat. He wants to get out from under the comforter but knows if his movements are anything out of the ordinary it will break the spell of the moment.

Olivia makes a tiny moan of protest when he moves his hips backwards too much, when he almost slips out of her. A smile tugs on the corners of his lips. Even semi-asleep she wants to feel him as much as he wants to feel her. His own release isn't urgent. Of course he wants to fall over the edge and spill into her, but it can wait. In times like these it can always wait.

When he gets semi-soft and he is about to succumb to sleep she rocks him back away with swaying, full hips, teasing him back into consciousness, awakening his body - well, the lower half anyway. He cracks his eyes open for a moment and all he sees is dark hair. Hair that smells so good, he thinks he is going to lose his mind. He's alert when she pushes herself back against his hips so he's inside her to the hilt and inside her he stiffens to completion again.

He never tires of this. His hand searches for hers and their fingers interlace on her pillow, next to her face as he braces himself and rolls her over with his weight so she is almost completely on her stomach. From behind he is on top of her, one leg between hers. The strokes of his hips are still leisure but he has more room to move. Olivia bends one leg, brings it up and squeezes his hand when he hits the right spot.

It's around 5:30 AM and she knows she is going to crash over the edge for a second time.

…

She is slippery and the angle doesn't offer any friction at all. The pace is a little more needy, their breaths out of sync and close to ragged. Tom's pants are in her ear, his breath hot in her hair as her free hand attaches to the sweet spot, two fingertips starting to rub in small, fast circles. Whimpers fill the air as he shifts the both of them to a more comfortable angle. She turns her head, face in her pillow now as she groans with the release she feels is coming.

„Come for me." His voice is deep and breathless and faint as he buries himself within her to the hilt and stays like that, allowing her to rocks against him and her hand to get herself off until her entire body tenses under his weight and she crashes and collapses beneath him.

He strokes her hair and kisses her cheek when she turns her head. Her face is flushed and a little blotchy as she pants with the aftershocks. He rubs his thumb over the slope of her cheek, all the way down to her mouth, dragging her bottom lip with it before he takes the freedom to start moving again, a little quicker to get himself there. He can literally feel her body come down from her climax and her breathing returns to something close to normal. It's a few more minutes until he comes and spills his desire deep into her belly and there is something deeply satisfying for him about the act of coming inside of her, of being allowed to come inside her. There will never be a child growing in her womb but he implants his love within her every time, makes her his in this primal and natural way.

He turns them back around, onto their sides and they stay there in their silence. He remains inside of her until he goes soft and slips out of her. The loss of her inner sweet warmth hits him square in the chest each and every time. If he could live like this, buried inside her 24/7 - he would. He has never felt quite so complete as he does in these moments.

…

The sun has fully risen when Olivia awakes again, kissing her skin with a warm glow. Summer has definitely arrived. Drowsily she stretches out her arm and reaches for her phone on the nightstand, pushing her thumb down on the home button. 7:12. With any luck they still have thirty minutes, maybe an hour until Noah will be up, demanding their full attention. The quiet from earlier is now replaced by the usual New York City buzz that permeates walls and windows. Everything. She thinks there is no place in the city that offers total silence and again her heart yearns for things she has never really thought about before. Things she never knew she wanted.

The blanket hugs the curve of Olivia's hip. Her underwear is haphazardly wrapped around her knees. Tom is no longer wrapped around her body. She doesn't feel his warmth at all and she turns just enough to check if he is still next to her. He rests on his back, one arm beneath his head as he faces her and flashes her a small smile. His eyes are still glazed with sleep, telling her he hasn't been up for long.

„Hey there." Dimples light up his face and she never once regretted asking him to take off the beard. She melts whenever they appear. She falls for that smiling face hard each and every time.

„Hey." She rolls onto her back and rubs her palms over her face. Her left breast is uncovered and she quickly adjusts her top because it amuses the man next to her way too much. His chuckle and stare are telling. „Very funny."

„Isn't it?" The grin he shows is boyish and brazen. „Slept well?"

„With interruptions," she smirks. „Yeah, I slept okay." Surprisingly she did. The images from the basement haven't haunted her in her dreams. She has managed to leave Millie Schimmel's death behind for the time being.

„That's good then."

Humming her agreement Olivia moves in and settles against him, her body curling into his as her head comes to rest in her favorite spot on his chest. Outside a car honks.

„I can start breakfast." Breakfast sounds good. She is hungry after going to bed with an empty stomach, thinking she could really scarf the leftover lasagna down. All of it. But her desire to stay exactly like they are right now is bigger and wins out.

„Not yet. Don't wanna move." She puts no emphasis at all into her words. Truth is she is way too tired to move.

„You're startin' to get lazy," he teases and cackles as she hits his arm.

„You're a dick."

„Such a filthy mouth and so early in the morning, too." He shakes his head but his fingers rake through her tousled bed hair lovingly. „What do you wanna do today? Playground? Weather's supposed to be nice all weekend."

It seems they do the same thing every weekend. It's either one of the various playgrounds combined with a walk through Central Park or the Zoo. Not that she doesn't like it, she does, but it gets old. Tom has suggested a couple of outdoor activities but she thinks Noah's a little too young for things like geo caching, although Tom insists there are kid friendly apps out there made for a young audience. Again her heart aches a little. She wants peace and quiet and thinks of all the possibilities in that small town on Long Island where Tom has grown up where there is so much space for a child to run and explore, a place where they don't have to watch him like a hawk every second.

„Hm, maybe," she says indecisively bobbing her head left and right. „It's my weekend off. I figured if you'd be up to it we could drive out and visit your parents."

Looking down at her his eyes fill with skepticism. „Really?"

She gazes into his blue eyes and chuckles. „What? Why do you sound so surprised?"

„I don't know," he says slowly. „You wanna visit my parents that's… not what I've expected."

„You know I liked them."

„I do."

„So why is it so surprising?" Her brows knit together in confusion.

„No reason. I guess I just didn't see it coming." He doesn't want to say Olivia is anti-social because she isn't. But spending time with his people, be it friends or family, has never seemed to be far up on her list. He remembers the fight they had when he had asked her to join him and his friends for game night and it has taken quite a bit of convincing until she had agreed to meet his family for Easter and spend an entire day with them. He thinks if she could have had her way she would have liked to meet his parents in a neutral place like a restaurant for an hour or two, a setting that allowed for a quick getaway, just in case. In fact he had a feeling she would have rather put up with a root canal or head lice. However, this isn't an unpleasant turn of events. He hasn't seen his parents since Easter so, naturally he would love to go. „We can make it a day trip," he nods. „Fire up the grill, head back after dinner." He mulls it all over, thinking they might give his mother a heart attack on such short notice. Olivia's attendance alone will throw her into host mode. Alice hates to be unprepared.

„That sounds great." She stretches out her legs, feet peeking out from under the blanket. She remembers Tom's suggestion to stay there the next time they are visiting and she ponders the idea. She knows she wouldn't feel a hundred percent comfortable in a foreign home although she is sure they will have a bedroom and a bathroom for themselves. She is not the kind of person who likes the idea of causing somebody any inconvenience and then there's the whole issue of not being able to move around freely in the attire she wants. She'd be embarrassed to dart to the bathroom or kitchen in her pajamas and risk to run into Alice or Bill. However, it isn't entirely convenient to waste four hours of the day in the car, either and taking a hotel room for the night would be a hassle. For one they'd have to share the room with Noah, which isn't a problem. But they'd also have to be quiet by the time her son would go to sleep, so it's an options that is even less attractive than staying at the Tetley house. „We could stay. Only if it's okay with your parents, of course. I don't want your Mom to go through any trouble."

Tom's eyes widen and deep furrows fissure his forehead. „Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?"

…

After breakfast Tom has phoned his mother, asking if would be okay for him, Olivia and Noah to come and stay. As expected Alice instantly agreed and asked what they would want to eat, if there is anything Olivia and Noah don't eat and what they could do to make sure their son's girlfriend and her son would feel at home with them. After several attempts to assures his mother that nothing special was needed and they would like to barbecue he eventually hung up. Olivia put together an overnight bag for her and Noah, clothes, pajamas, toiletries. As much as she was looking forward to get out of the city, she felt nearly as nervous as the first time she met Tom's parents.

Noah is beyond excited because Tom has promised they would all play Kubb. he also remembers a large box full of Lego. The weather is supposed to hold and Alice has already promised to get the kiddie pool set up for the boy. Tom helps Noah to pack a backpack of toys and his favorite book for his bedtime story and they get on their way shortly after ten.

The radio is playing an upbeat Taylor Swift song that has Noah bouncing in his car seat as he sings along _play, play, play I'm just gonna sha-sha-sha-sha shaky off, shaky off._ The two adults look at each other how _shake it off_ becomes _shaky off_ and grin at each other. The kid is too adorable.

„That's the first gem I'm going to teach him on the guitar," Tom teases.

„Taylor Swift?"

„He seems to like her."

„Well, I guess she's pretty," Olivia chuckles. She doesn't know the first thing about the pop singer, except that drama seems to surround her.

 _Break break break and-a faker gonna fake fake fake fake fake, I'm just gonna sha-sha-sha-sha-sha, shaky off, shaky off._

Olivia snorts. It's too funny to her and she regrets that she hasn't hit record on her phone because the song ends. The radio host mentions something about Swift and a new single before the next song comes on and Tom instantly turns the volume up. The melody sounds familiar but it's not until Mr. Big's words resonate in the car that the penny drops.

 _Hold on little girl_

 _Show me what he's done to you_

 _Stand up little girl_

 _A broken heart can't be that bad_

„You like that song?"

„Who doesn't?" As if to make a point he looks as her as they drive onto I-495 and starts to sing along full-throated.

„ _So come on baby, come on over, let me be the one to show you"_

He closes his hand to a fist and exaggerates with his gestures as if he is some member of a boyband, trying to make his female fans faint.

„ _I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it, too."_ His eyes scrunch up and Olivia throws her head back and laughs like a little kid. It is one of the many things she loves about him. Tom is not above embarrassing himself or letting his goofy side hang out just as long as it makes her laugh. The thing is, the man can sing. He plays the guitar like a god and has a beautiful singing voice although he has never really let her hear him sing. The few times she has noticed were when he was plucking on Noah's Baby Taylor, humming along and singing a line or two every now and then, and only quietly. Noah joins in on his mother's laughter and she thinks he isn't even sure what's so funny.

Laughing himself Tom glances over to her again. „That's the spirit."

„Can you give a rendition of Taylor Swift, too?" Her lips crack with an inquisitive smile.

„You bet I can. Just wait until I get my old man's guitar when we're sitting by the fire tonight, I'mma swift it up." He tries to think of any other songs and comes up with nothing at the top of his head although he'd probably recognize every song of hers that's been on the billboard top 100 after a few beats.

„Do you do that? Campfire songs?"

„Sometimes, yeah. My Mom likes it. But most of the time we just talk or turn on the radio, or put on a playlist, something like that." He has always love to sit around the fire bowl, no matter if it's with friends or his family. There is something serene and cosy about it. To Tom it's the epitome of Hygge.

„Is Rebecca going to be there, too?"

„I texted her. Walt has Abby for the weekend so I think she'll be over and probably have one too many. If she's being a pain just tell her, she appreciates honesty."

„Oh please, I can't tell your sister to shut up."

„Of course you can, we all do." She's taking the separation from her daughter particularly hard and her hatred for Walt is still at full blast. Apparently he has started dating other women, which Rebecca claims translates to fucking them. She is bitter because she has heard it through the grapevine when this kind of news should come from him. They are still technically married after all. He figures by the time it will only be adults tonight she is going to have one too many.

„I'm not gonna blow it with your sister," she shakes her head. „No way."


	59. Away And I Break Free

The soft breeze flatters Olivia's face as she tilts her chin up to the sky and inhales deeply. Her son is in the kiddie pool splashing away and apart from the noise Noah creates there is peaceful quiet that only is interrupted by the birds twittering or the screeching of seagulls far in the distance. There is no honking, no sirens, no-one shouting. She swears in the city everybody just shouts at each other or else their voice is drowned out by all the noise. Here in this backyard she can breathe, she can think. She never knew she was able to just be. Sit in a lawn chair and do nothing. Nothing at all. The June sun tickles her face, making Olivia wrinkle her nose as she opens her eyes and blinks against the blinding sunlight and shields her eyes from the glare with her hand as she looks up. All she sees is cerulean blue and more blue. The entire sky is blue, except in the distance, far on the horizon there is a picturesque touch of white, fluffy clouds.

She breathes in and lets herself appreciate the beautiful and clean fresh air that is nothing like what she inhales in the city. She thinks for the first time in her life she knows what green and azure smell like. She strips off her Birkenstocks and feels the carpet of grass beneath her feet, stretching her toes, the sunlight reflecting on her toenails that are painted a soft pink. Tom sits by the pool, making sure Noah is safe while her son seems to have the time of his life. She hears her boy squeal when Tom mentions there should be a water gun somewhere and Olivia can't help but smile at the pair.

 _Her two men._

Her chest swells with the love she feel for either of them. For the both of them.

One year ago she has run, bolted from a wonderful date because the idea of dating a man eleven years younger than her had seemed impossible. Ridiculous even. If somebody had told her that night that she'd sit in Thomas' parent's backyard today and watch him play with her son, she wouldn't have believed it.

„Momma, look." She smiles as her five-year old takes a small bucket full of water and pours all of it over his head, laughing like it's the funniest thing in the entire world.

„Wow, that's a lot of water Noah," she gushes and there's a hint of tears that's lining her voice and blurs her vision. She shouldn't get so emotional over any of this, she thinks but she can't help herself. He's not a fan when it comes to washing his hair but then their small tub isn't a pool and he can't splash around like a massive fountain either. Here nobody is bothered by any of it. When Olivia had told him not to scoop any water out of the pool to keep everything around the pool dry Tom has told her to let the boy play. He is beautiful with her child and she realizes she couldn't even have dreamed of anything better. It is something that normalizes - watching the two of them together and sometimes she can't grasp it fully. How lucky she is to have him. And sometimes she waits for the other shoe to drop because how can this kind of happiness possibly be meant for her? When nothing ever lasted for her, then can this or is she bound to lose this wonderful man?

Their laughter scatters in the air and Olivia takes a mental picture of this moment. She wants to remember this, hold on to the memories they create on this beautiful day when her heart is so, so full.

Five minutes later and Tom chases Noah around the entire property with a big squirt gun. Her five-year old squeals and runs as fast as his feet will carry him. He's only wearing a soaked pair of panties, his curls sticking to his forehead as he seeks refuge behind the visual cover of the patio. Tom reloads the gun in the pool and they are gone again. It's quiet. Too quiet and although this kind of quiet is never a good sign, Olivia doesn't see it coming. The two gang up her and come running from behind. The spurt of the water gun soaks her t-shirt and denim with only a few pumps and she jumps up from the lounge chair like a scalded cat and screams like a girl - at least that what _he_ says. Initially she is torn between finding it funny and being pissed but her son is vibrating with a fully belly laugh, so she does the same as Tom takes aim once more while she tries to get away and strikes her square across the butt.

„That's not fair play," she whines to Tom's and Noah's amusement. But no one does revenge better than her and vengeance, she thinks, is sweet. She sees Tom's mother on the patio now, smiling and arms crossed in front of her chest, bathing in the interaction. Alice has spent the majority of the past three hours at the grocery store and in the kitchen. The woman had refused every bit of help Olivia had offered. The brunette feels slightly embarrassed over how loud she has just squealed and luckily the material of her t-shirt isn't see-through now that Tom has gotten her all wet or else the situation would be even more awkward. However, Alice doesn't seem to mind at all and Olivia then remembers that the older woman is used to this kind of thing. This backyard has always been filled with sounds of laughter and children running around and if the banter she had witnessed between Tom and Rebecca the last time it is still nothing that's out of the ordinary.

Olivia bites her lip shyly anyway because no matter how normal this kind of thing is with the Tetley family, for Olivia it is anything but. She is still getting used to the family dynamics here and although Alice and Bill are nothing but welcoming and lovely people the brunette needs to find her way with them, get to know the characters behind the faces and although she is a good judge of character this is not something she can do in a day or two. She is convinced there is much more to Alice than the doting mother and housewife who loves to cook and make a beautiful home for her family and more to Bill than a man that's anguished by his arthritis and doesn't talk much and she quickly finds out that it's not the norm with her boyfriend's father.

…

Bill moves around a lot more today. The man is a lot more chatty, too, which Olivia thinks means he isn't in a great deal of pain today. The last time Olivia has been here Bill has barely said anything at all, has barely even smiled, so she is glad to see him in a better state of health this time around. He seems to have trouble using his left hand fully which she attributes to the arthritis. When the older man strikes up a conversation she can see that Tom must have gotten his humor from his Dad while his mother left him the solicitude. As far as looks go, it is hard to tell if he takes after his mother or father. She honestly can't see either of his parents in him.

There's a tremble in Bill's hands that catches Olivia's attention when the man reaches for his glass as Olivia tries to find out more about Tom and his upbringing.

„Tom said you taught him how to play the guitar." Blue-grey eyes less vibrant than Tom's focus on her and deep wrinkles shift with a smile as a memory literally flits across the man's face.

„When he was six. I always played and he has always shown interest in it. Not like Rebecca, she couldn't be bothered to learn how to play an instrument. That guitar was way too big for a slender boy like him, I didn't think he could possibly handle a full-sized guitar but he was determined and kept asking me to teach him." Olivia had seen it in pictures, a proud kid with freckles and deep dimples that sat on the couch, a guitar cradled in his arms. „He had to hold up his chin real high and his hand could barely reach on the fretboard. His mother got him a Ukulele at the second hand store around that time but he had ignored it," he chuckles. „Wanted to play that guitar and once he had tasted blood he never put it away. Practiced every day that summer, in the first few months Alice had to force him to put the guitar down because it was dinner time. He learned fast and a year later I got him his own guitar. Made him so happy he bawled," Bill chuckles and his grey hair waves with he gentle breeze.

„Right. His Molly. He's still got that guitar." The steel string has dents and scratches all over it's full body, the neck worn. The dark-wooded instrument is a real eyesore compared to the other two immaculate acoustic guitars that adorn her boyfriend's living room wall but she thinks he picks it up more than any of the other of his seven guitars. His Molly holds sentimental value to him, she has known it ever since Tom has confessed it's the only guitar that has been given a name, it's the only one he lovingly refers to as _she_ and when he plays on _her_ his love and devotion seems to transform into sound. There is so much fervor when Tom plays the guitar that it stuns Olivia time and time again. She could listen to him play for hours, no matter if his fingers pluck the strings gently or he hammers down and elicits eclectic beats from the instrument that make her wonder how on earth he does it.

„Molly. That's it," Bill laughs. He had named the instrument at some point in his youth although by that time a second guitar has joined the first. „He named it after Dolly Parton."

„He did?" Now she is intrigued and leans in a little closer.

„Molly is for _My Dolly_. He was into country music as a kid, at age eleven he tried to convince us that we should take him to Nashville because he's seen on the TV that it's the home of country music. I think we stood in the way of him pursuing an actual career in music. He's always made music, played in a band. They were good, too, if you ask me. We thought his education was more important, though." There is a sliver of regret in the man's voice as he goes back in history, eyes watery with age.

Olivia tries to picture the boy who used to have a pimply face singing country songs and it's not even absurd but an endearing thought. She knows he writes, knows he can sing. She also remembers how he had once told her that he likes small, intimate crowds because big audiences freak him out and she wonders if something has happened that has stolen his confidence between age eleven, when it sounds like his dream was to make it big in Nashville and now where he only plays for fun. Maybe it has been nothing but childhood ideas but maybe it used to be much more. She glances over at her boyfriend who's building a slide from tarp on the lawn, splashing a couple of buckets of water onto the transparent surface and in an instant her heart aches at her boyfriend's laughter and the sheer childish joy that reflects in his blue eyes. The man is meant to be a father although she bets he'd get a kid up to as much nonsense as he'd teach important life lessons in a child-oriented way. It's a bit of a mystery to her how well he interacts with her child and engages him in safe ways to play and experiment while making sure the boy is physically and intellectually challenged. Olivia knows she is good with kids, she has a good rapport with them. But compared to Tom she lacks ingenuity and oftentimes the patience. She thinks it's a flaw that she gets easily bored playing lego or crashing toy trucks into barriers and she bristles at hearing about dinosaurs for twenty minutes non-stop. And honestly, she'd never even think of encouraging her kid to take a run-up and jump onto 30 feet of wet tarp to slide all the way down until landing in a soggy mess of grass and mud. She imagines Tom's inner child wants to follow Noah's example who laughs and squeals, she can almost see the nervous twitch in his body daring him to get down and dirty, too.

She listens to Tom's father talking about his children's childhood from his viewpoint and it sounds to Olivia like he hasn't been very involved most of the time, especially not with the first two Tetley children. He has worked his entire life while Alice had stayed home with the kids and melancholy dominates in the tales he has to tell about his twins.

Rebecca joins them around the time Tom fires up the gas grill. Noah is still running around in his undies and jumps into the pool whenever his heart desires. She has never seen her son so carefree and happy for so many hours at once. Usually, no matter how much fun they were having, he gets cranky at some point. They have burgers, steak and grilled zucchini and bell peppers for dinner and between grocery shopping and getting the rooms for Olivia and Tom and Noah ready Alice has somehow managed to whip up the most delicious coleslaw. After six the air cools down quickly and Rebecca accompanies Olivia inside to help her to a couple of towels for Noah. Her son's skin is cold, lips now showing a purple sheen and he shivers despite the warmth in the house. She wraps him in a large towel and gently dries his hair.

„Let's get you nice and warm. Do you want a cup of tea when you're dressed?"

She decides to stay inside with him for now, at least until he's warm enough. Noah's lips still quiver.

„Can I have cocoa?"

„Erm… I don't know, I will have to ask Alice."

„Can I go in the pool again tomorrow?" She towels Noah of, using gentle strokes. The checked towel smells of laundry detergent and something about it makes Olivia all warm and fuzzy inside.

„I don't think so, sweetheart. I think we'll leave here after lunch and I don't think it'll be warm enough before noon. But I'm sure we'll be here again over the summer and if you ask nicely I'm positive that Alice will set up the pool for you then." The woman is nothing if not accommodating, making sure Olivia and Noah have everything they could possibly need. On the downside it causes the brunette to walk around with a quest conscience. There really is nothing she can do to repay the woman for everything she does and she does it all with the biggest smile.

Once Noah is dressed in his pajamas she wraps him in a blanket and walks back downstairs with her where Rebecca is warming up milk on the stove. „I heard someone's been asking for cocoa," she says and winks at the five-year old who gives her a toothy grin in return.

„Thank you," Olivia says softly. The strawberry-blonde moves in the kitchen as if it's her own and Olivia has noticed that Tom does, too. It is obvious that this is still home for them and will always be. „I heard Abigail's with your…" she's searching for the right term. Ex? Husband? Future ex-husband?

„Yeah," her eyebrows jump and then she rolls her eyes a little.

„Must be hard." Abby is still little, only two years old. It's been an age where Olivia didn't feel like wanting a break from her son.

The younger woman puts two teaspoons of cocoa powder in a cup and fills it up with the warm milk, stirring the concoction. „It's not easy," Rebecca agrees and for a moment Olivia can see the defeat in her features. No matter how angry she is, Olivia gets a glimpse of how much Tom's sister hurts over her husband's betrayal. As far as she knows from Tom Walt has never even given his wife a reason for the sudden separation.

„How's Abby handling it? Is this her first weekend away?"

„Third. She's doing okay from what he tells me. Bedtime's tricky." She puts the cup down for Noah and smiles at the boy who makes her realize just how much she misses her little girl. „I think it would be better if he'd just take her for the day but he insists. Not like there's anything I can do. My lawyer thinks it's best if I comply." Rebecca's not impressed with any of that, even though deep down she knows it's her anger that drives the attitude much more than general opinion on how involved any father should be in their children's life after a separation. She still doesn't get it and Walt still hasn't given her a reason but she knows there's something boiling inside him. Stubborn son of a bitch. He has always dreaded a conversation so none of it comes as too much of a surprise. Rebecca isn't oblivious to the problems they have had in their marriage after she's had Abigail. How could she be when her husband has cold-shouldered her so often and then either didn't speak at all or they fought. It had been the same old story time and time again. She focused on baby and only baby. For one and a half years her entire world had revolved around her daughter and apparently it had made Walt feel jealous and unloved. They had grown apart physically but Rebecca had always looked at it like a natural development. Of course she had been lacking the need for intimacy when she had a baby attached to her at all times. Her husband however had managed to turn it into accusations. She made Abby too dependent on her he had said. By hardly ever letting him handle things and nursing even past their daughter's first birthday. At this point she is still unsure if they had fought over who had more right to her tits - Walt or Abigail - a baby. Well, toddler really.

It makes her wonder if she has been blind to what the hell had been going on but she had seriously thought they had gotten better. And she has made a conscious effort at not only listening to what Walt had to say but also put what they talked about into practice. She has weaned her child because of her husband's goddamn insecurities and switched to formula. She separated from the baby more and started to do things for herself again, even it meant going into town for a cup of coffee. She had let Walt take over and gave him his bonding time with their daughter and what for? Just so he could throw it all away on a whim? Is she that easy to leave?

Thinking back to Christmas she can never quite figure out where it all went wrong. She has had a pretty bad hangover, that much is for sure. All of a sudden they were fighting over her drinking although one moment of failure in three years shouldn't have been cause for a fight, especially when it had been Walt telling her to have some fun and stop being just Mom. And then he had started fishing and threw around words like _you always_ and _you never_ before going over to pointing out how _inappropriate_ her relationship to Tom is to him, how they always find a way cover each other's misconduct and something had been blazing in his eyes then. Until this day he refuses to tell her what the hell he had meant and it isn't for a lack of her bringing it back up. All he ever gives her is that goddamn silent treatment, though. Or he gets mad and they go in circles fighting until one of them cuts it off because of Abby. She wants to shake him, shake some sense into him, because if he wants to leave - that's fine. That's something she can deal with, it's not like she doesn't have the resources to make it on her own. She's got a job that pays well, she thinks she is even going to be able to keep the house. Rebecca's had a life before Walt and she was able to build on that, however much she resents the thought of becoming an ex-wife, no matter how much the realization that they have failed to make this marriage work stings. But she thinks she damn well deserves to be given a reason, some kind of clue to what went wrong, why they are in this place. There are moments when she wonders if he's had someone else even before Christmas but she likes to think that she knows the man well enough and nothing had ever made her suspicious in that respect. She also likes to think she's not an idiot. And yet there is something she is obviously missing, that final piece of the jigsaw Walt refuses to give her and she thinks he's doing it on purpose, doing it all to keep her guessing and hurt her and she doesn't understand it at all. She can't make him talk to her. She hardly sees him these days unless he comes by to get Abigail or when he needs something of his that's still at the house and it's the uncertainty that makes her feel like she is drowning, that makes it hard to move on.

The strawberry-blonde sits down at the table with them, crossing her arms as Noah devotes himself to his sweet treat. „How are things going with you guys?" It's small talk at best because she wants to relief the air of the stifling atmosphere the subject of her husband has created.

„Great. Really. It's… Things are great," she smiles sincerely, unsure what else to say. She isn't a person who gushes over her love life and wonders if it's expected, like there might be some kind of relationship protocol where she tells her boyfriend's family just how amazing everything is going.

 _I'm so in love with your brother that it scares the living crap out of me. I love him so much that sometimes I can hardly breathe. I see him with Noah and my heart could burst at the sight and I'm not ready to say it to him out loud but I hope that we will grow into an actual family. And just so you know, your brother is really IT in bed. He literally makes me come while asleep._

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

„Oh, about that gift card from Atelier Cologne? Tom said that you picked it out?"

„Yeah," the other woman beams.

„Thank you so much. That place is…"

„Amazing?"

„Yes," Olivia chuckles. The small store in Nolita is such a lovely place with so much flair. Hardwood floors and wooden tables to present the different product lines and the staff was so welcoming and nice, helping her find something Olivia didn't even knew she wanted.

„I love it there, I can spend hours there just sniffing the entire product range. Did you find something there?"

„Oh God, don't ask. I spent way too much money. I couldn't decide between three perfumes and they all couldn't be more different and somehow I ended up with two body lotions to match."

„So, you took all three?" Rebecca asked, her mouth almost forming a perfect O. As amazing as the perfumes and their matching product lines were, they were also quite expensive. Then again Olivia probably didn't treat herself like that all the time, either.

„And I blame you," the brunette points at the strawberry-blonde.

„Glad I could help," Rebecca jokes. „Seriously thought, I'm glad you liked it. I had hoped you would."

„I definitely liked it. It will now be my go-to perfume shop. The place is awfully cute, too. How did you even find it?" Olivia relaxed in her chair as Rebecca pulled one to sit at the table with them. Their conversation may not be deep, but at least it no longer covered just ‚hello and how are things going'?

„A friend's company catered for them when they opened and she said to check the place out when I'm in the city. The rest of it is history," she smiles. „But with you being a New Yorker since ever I bet you've got your fair share of insider tips of where to go, hm?"

„I wish. There are a few spots I could recommend for good food and maybe that one second-hand shop but otherwise I'm a pretty straight forward shopper, especially since I've had Noah and I have even less time than before. That was why it's been such a nice experience to shop there, you know? These days I order so much from the internet and get to try it out at home, often late in the evening to safe myself the trip. But doing something for myself and getting something for just myself was…"

„I get it. I totally get it. Sometimes you just gotta pamper yourself, do something that's just for you."

„And I haven't in such a long time because then it feels like I'm being selfish."

„Because that's time you could spend at home with him," Rebecca nods.

„Or spend the money on something for him."

„That's just crazy, right? I know that. I mean, I barely left the house for the first 1,5 years of Abby's life if I didn't have her with me partially because I was just a mother hen but also because I felt that as a good and devoted mother I should be there 24/7. And I was so judgmental of others who didn't while at the same time I envied them going out with friends or being able to work."

„I envy you got to stay home with her for so long. When I took Noah in I had a few weeks off to get him settled in and get things organized. I went from childless cop to mother in a day and I was completely unprepared. I wish I could have stayed with him for longer but I was single so it was my income or no income."

„How was that? I mean… you applied for adoption and then you suddenly got the call?" Rebecca was curious, her eyes small as she leaned in closer and Noah slipped off his chair.

„Can I go play?"

„Sure honey. But stay inside for a bit longer, okay? Your hair's still not dry." She doesn't catch Noah's reply but hears him shuffling in the living room. Olivia focused on Tom's sister, recalling the question.

„Actually I didn't apply for adoption. He was involved in a case I used to work and I went to all the hearings in family court to follow up on him. He was just a baby. It was a mess. The judge noticed me there and she asked me if I wanted to foster him so…" Olivia took in Rebecca's reaction and it was pretty much the same as everyone else's. „Next thing you know I'm taking home a baby."

„You're kidding."

„Not kidding."

„How did you even do that? I mean, with Abby I prepared and planned for months and months. Basically since I've found out I was pregnant." She couldn't imagine just having a baby from one minute to the next.

„I had an amazing support system with my friends. I basically called them, told them I would be on leave effective immediately and all I had to do was say what I needed. I was gifted a crib, a car seat, clothing, diapers. The same night I took him home I had all the essentials."

„That does sound like great friends," the other woman nodded.

„They really are." She is proud of that, that the people she works with are not only friends but also nothing less than a family. The screen door of the kitchen leading outside screeches and Olivia sees Tom poke his head in.

„Time to eat." His gaze flits from one woman to the other, a smile spreading on his face when he realizes he has interrupted their talk. He knows it's what Olivia wants - to bond with his sister and it looks like they were getting along so far.

„Oh, right. We'll be out," Olivia assures.

„Becks, can you bring the wine? Mom says there are two bottles of white in the fridge. And if they have a beer for myself and Dad?"

„Yeah, sure," she agrees with a wave of her hand, indicating he should get lost. She got up and moved towards the refrigerator indeed finding a six pack of beer and two bottles of white wine. „Will you have wine or booze it up with me?"

Olivia snorts softly after she calls out for Noah to get his shoes and fleece jacket to put on over his pajamas before he'd go outside. It wasn't cold but probably not warm enough for him to go out with no jacket whatsoever. The little boy sits on the kitchen floor and battles with his sneakers a little, a sure sign he is tired. „I think I'll go with the wine, sorry."

„Too bad," Rebecca frowns. She moves to get some ice-cubes from the freezer and pours a three-fingers of gin into a tumbler, taking a careful sip to taste. A satisfied smile settles on her face. „If you could take the wine?"

„Oh, sure. Of course," Olivia agrees and quickly zips Noah's jacket. She sends her son out first, then takes a bottle of wine, a corkscrew and two glasses while Rebecca carries out the beer and her own drink.

Outside the table is set. There is fresh bread and two different salads and a selection of steaks and chicken breast as well as foiled vegetables with mozzarella cheese. Everything smells and looks great and there's more on the grill.

„Everything looks delicious," Olivia says as she sits down. „By which I mean the bread and the salads," she adds winking at Tom in a tease who feigns hurt.

„Hey, grilling a piece of meat to perfection is an art form, okay?"

„Of course it is," she assures insincerely as Rebecca pours the wine for Alice and Olivia. „Seriously though, Alice. I wish you would have let me help with the shopping or in the kitchen."

The older woman shakes her head, glass of wine in hand. „Oh, don't be ridiculous. It was nothing. And Tom always mentions how much you are working. All you have to do here is relax."

Relaxing and not helping don't sit well with Olivia and still she had managed to do nothing but today. And it had felt nice. But she also feels like a terrible guest.

„I admire everything you do around your home. All the cooking and baking and pampering everyone although they are all adults. I wish I could make a roast like you… or even a salad like this," Olivia admits, glancing at the lentil salad that is in front of her. She knows she could never be just a homemaker, that she would feel the need to work in some capacity. But somehow she can see a different version of her learning to cook better and maybe to learn how to bake a simple cake or two. She can see herself gardening a little and learn about flowers and growing vegetables. Not tomorrow and not next week but maybe in a few years from now.

„That's all a matter of practice. If you want I'll show you how to make a pot roast next time you're here."

„Would you?" She'd love to learn. The idea of making a proper home cooked meal for Tom and Noah that isn't Spaghetti excites Olivia although she knows that take-out would feed them just fine, too. „My mother was actually a great cook but she never taught me." And at the time Olivia wouldn't have wanted to learn from her, either. Their relationship has been at its worst during her teenage years and has only been mended by the time Olivia had moved out. Serena and her had been better apart.

„Well, of course I would. And I really wouldn't mind the company, either," Alice assures with a smile.


	60. Blowing Smoke

**Well hello lovies! Sorry that it's been so long but my life is super busy at the moment. I'm glad I found a little time for an update. Thank you guys for sticking around and I hope you'll enjoy.**

 **...**

He comes through the doorway from the kitchen, his glance finding her and what he sees stops him in his tracks. It's what he sees in her in that very moment, something that is so rare. Tom wants to burn this sight into his brain, hold onto this. It's so delightful yet fragile he thinks as Olivia lifts her wine glass, her laugh contained just a little before it is stifled in a chuckle. Her lips that are by now void of the lipstick she had applied earlier in the day wrap around the thin rim of the glass but the smile remains as she listens to the ongoing conversation and takes a small sip. Putting down the glass her gaze lifts. When Tom thinks Olivia is about to look at him her glance finds his sister instead. She leans forward, taking a piece of baguette while listening to the ongoing conversation. Again her face is split by a smile that might as well make the earth quake. Perfect white teeth complement pink lips and cheeks that are rosy from the third glass of red.

Olivia is 100% sunshine. Her smile is blinding, her eyes and posture radiate warmth and contentment and there's the striking notion of utter happiness swimming in the hazel depths. She's sunshine when so often he sees storms and fog in her. It is not often that Tom catches her carefree. Something seems to be haunting his girlfriend at almost all times. Seldom are her eyes vivid and this lighter shade of brown. There aren't many things that lift the weight weighing down on her shoulders that sometimes make him catch her hunched over or deep in thought, the space in between her eyebrows wrinkled. He thinks that seeing Hamilton has. He knows this does. His smallish hometown, this house, spending time with him and his family and seeing Noah, who is by now asleep, so happy and free like he can't always be in the City.

He gets why Olivia loves New York, especially because she has lived there her entire life but he wonders if she will ever smile like she does now there. Wonders who the woman that's slumbering inside is, what all she could be without the victims and the long hours. He is okay with the idea of spending the rest of his life in the city with her. She is worth it. But from now on, having seen her like this, a part of him will always wonder. It's bittersweet seeing all those different and new qualities to Olivia and knowing that by tomorrow evening things will change again. This moment will become a memory - fresh at first, distant as time goes by.

He hears her animatedly talking then, about France, Paris, digging up the memories she's made there with Noah. And her ex. She doesn't mention the man she has dated before Tom but it's there for him, clawing at the back of his mind. He isn't a jealous person. Well, he wasn't before Olivia.

„- it was amazing. The food, the wine, the architecture…," she gushes. „Not that I know anything much about architecture but it was impressive. It has such a different vibe from New York. People are just so much more laid back and seem to enjoy life despite their jobs and family obligations."

„Tell me about it, the same goes for Italy. Have you ever been?"

„To Italy? No, my only time in Europe was in Paris. But I'd really like to go one day and see more. I believe Italy is lovely." The women talk and it's like a breath of fresh air for him as he forces himself to stop standing there and stare, walking over instead to take his seat next to Olivia. It gives Tom an odd sense of relief that everybody is getting along so well. The age difference is a non-issue, his parents love his girlfriend - and honestly, it shouldn't surprise him because what's not to love - and Olivia feels comfortable enough to spend a night at his parents house. Rebecca and Olivia even seem to enjoy the same things - women stuff that he doesn't understand all that much about - but that's perfect. He thinks the two women will form a close bond over time.

…..

„Ah there you are. I just said to Olivia that you should take her to Italy. Or Scotland. God, Scotland is just beautiful. Especially if you like Whisky," the strawberry blonde winks.

„Did you now?" He smiles and Olivia beams and he isn't quite sure if it's the wine or if she's truly intrigued by the idea as she encourages it.

„That actually sounds really good," she hums, not even thinking of work for a moment. She just feels free and happy. Olivia can't even remember the last time she's felt like this.

„There go my savings for that Taylor koa, hm? Thanks sis," he jokes. He doesn't think the incentive will be put into an actual plan and action anytime soon, not as he knows Olivia and her crazy schedule.

„I hear people celebrate their anniversaries," Rebecca teases knowing their one year anniversary was coming up soon.

„I think that's a brilliant idea," Alice joined in to encourage the idea. Tom has mentioned more than once that Olivia is working a lot and from the little the brunette has talked about her work she got the semblance there was little time to unwind at all. „Bill and I always wanted to travel-," she sounds regretful. „But by the time the kids were grown up and we had the means to travel Bill had different health issues that wiped out a lot of our savings for medication and eventually he was no longer fit enough to commit to long distance trips." The message is clear and underlined by the regret that is embedded in the words. Certain things shouldn't have to wait. Life is something that is happening and nobody should wait to do all the great things they imagined to do ‚someday'. Someday might never come.

Olivia is all too aware how life can take unexpected turns. She thinks of her mother. She thinks of Mike Dodds. There are so many others who have lost their lives in the line of duty, too. And then there are those who have worked themselves raw until retirement and those who worked until some horrible illness like cancer overtook their lives and fighting for survival was replaced by the good intention of actually _living_.

It's the big picture.

And then there are the little things. Like knowing that Tom loves to travel, not just very specific destinations like she herself had wanted to see Paris in this lifetime. Tom wants to see the world, as much beauty as there is in it. She knows he is drawn to the idea of seeing Machu Picchu and safari in Africa, he said he'd like to return to Germany just once to see Hamburg and discover more of the Tuscan lifestyle and once he had mentioned that backpacking through Australia would be amazing. Olivia would lie if she said she isn't interested in any of these things. She is forty-nine years old. Forty-nine. In ten years from now she'd be just a few months shy of sixty. Meaning she has almost lived for half a century. And what has she seen? Which dreams has she realized? She had become a detective with SVU like she had imagined. She had climbed rank in the past five years, made it Sergeant and Lieutenant. She heads the unit she has given so many pieces of herself to. She has been to Paris. She has vacationed in the Bahamas with Brian. She has become a mother.

But thinking that in ten year's time she would be sixty she suddenly felt… What? Old? No, she doesn't feel old. Maybe in ten years she would but for now she felt pretty good about herself - for the most part. However, she does feel like time is slipping away from her, that there's not all that much of it left to realize some bigger dreams of hers. She too wants to see the places this world has to offer. Surely she'd want more comfort thank backpacking through Australia promised but damn - the point is she would love to visit Australia someday. And she can't only start when she is retired. She smiles absentmindedly as she catches her boyfriend's grin and tries to conceal the depth of her thoughts with another sip of wine. In her mind however the idea sticks and a plan forms. Within the next twelve months she wants to take a vacation. A proper one, not just a week off in which she stays in the city and catches up on the things that have been put off for too long. She has so many things going for her right now. She has found a balance with the job and figured out the kind of leader she wants to be. She loves being a mom and every second of quality time with Noah. And for the first time in her life she is in a relationship that makes her feel happy and comfortable beyond the first few months. She loves Tom. Loves him wholeheartedly and to the point where she is ready to make sacrifices and not just think of herself and what she needs, even though it has taken her awhile to be that kind of person. It's not always easy for her to take someone else into consideration when she has been alone for basically her whole life. For Tom however she wants to be considerate, wants to change the things that other men have always faulted her over.

Tom's smile makes her relax back into her chair and she takes it all in for a long, blissful moment as the conversation drags on. The sky is tinged in yellows, reds and oranges, even a little bit of purple far on the horizon. Does sundown look like this in Italy, Olivia wonders. Or in Scotland? Are the beautiful, radiant colors just the same there or is it different? Even more magical? Experience stops her from uttering any promises but just for herself she thinks - no, she promises herself that she will try to find out with him.

….

There is more wine as the evening progresses. It gets dark and the porch is only illuminated by three tea lights in candle holders and a porch light. Alice is the first to call it a night around 10:30 pm, following her husband inside who had left shortly after dinner. She promises to peek into Noah's room and make sure to let them know should he wake up and Olivia is thankful but also a little embarrassed, making sure Tom's mother knows that she doesn't has to, that Olivia or Tom can check in every fifteen to twenty minutes like they had all evening. Of course Alice isn't having it, insisting the three of them enjoy their evening.

One glass later and Olivia is pleasantly buzzed, her cheeks red with the alcohol consumption. Her hand has slipped into Tom's, letting some of his body warmth keep her warm. At this hour the cardigan hardly does the job. The moon above them is almost full tonight, the sky starry. She realizes how she never pays any attention to it in New York.

„Who wants an Old Fashion?" Rebecca's words, a little too pronounced with inebriation make Olivia shift her focus back to the table and their small group of three.

„Oh, I… thanks, I probably shouldn't," Olivia denies, wrapping one arm around herself. She really shouldn't, she thinks. Although an Old Fashioned sounds lovely. She is a sucker for a proper drink.

„I'll have one," Tom shrugs easily. It's too bad, because she will be all over his glass stealing sips of delicious, bitter-sweet bourbon.

Rebecca scrambles out of her seat and before she vanishes inside Olivia decides what the hell, she might as well have another drink. She is not drunk and one short drink isn't going to change that. She is not here to be the voice of reason among the three of them.

„You know, actually I'll take one, too. Can I help you?"

„You're tall, I'm sure you'll reach the whisky glasses and I won't fall off a chair," the other woman replies dryly and then smiles lopsidedly. Olivia follows her inside, if only for some warmth.

The ingredients are collected from various cabinets; brown sugar, bitters, an orange and bourbon. Olivia realizes she has never mixed an Old Fashioned. In fact she has never mixed a drink at all. Even her Gin and Tonic on Christmas Day has been made by Amanda. Olivia usually enjoys her drinks pretty straight forward at home - two fingers of bourbon, maybe some ice when she finds the motivation. She watches Rebecca assemble the concoction with a precision Olivia would have bet the other woman is no longer capable of, what after all that wine? A good shot of golden brown bourbon, a teaspoon of brown sugar and two dashes of bitters for each glass. She even slices the orange to perfection, thin and even. The only thing Olivia really does is get the ice from the freezer, dropping a cube in each whisky glass. Those drinks look delicious and the aroma that arises is heavy and rich, tickling in the brunette's nose. Anticipation builds and she craves the warmth the drink will provide from the inside out.

„I could go to Paris, you know? I mean, Paris. Paris sounds…" The pause is brief but Olivia can literally see the wheels turning in the strawberry blonde's head. The precision with which Rebecca has put together the drinks may not have revealed her state of inebriation but the slight slur of her voice and the inability to find the word she is desperately searching for gives it away now.

„It's lovely," Olivia tries to help her out. „I'd go again. I haven't seen everything I wanted to."

„Like Disney. I'd go to Disney. Have you been to Disney?" She grabs one of the glasses, brings it to her face but instead of taking a drink she inhales deeply. „Or the…. what is it, that…that museum thing…"

„The Louvre?"

„That's it," she says, cradling the glass in her hand and holding it to her chest like it's dear to her. „Have you seen the Louvre?"

„Only from the outside. We had Noah with us and he was a little cranky that day so we decided not to drag him to a museum." The Louvre alone is reason enough for Olivia to want to visit the City once more, preferably without her child. There is only so much you can do with kids in tow in a big ass city - the city of love on top of it. As much as she has enjoyed that vacation with Ed and Noah, her three year old had killed the romance factor. From the corner of her eye she sees her boyfriend's silhouette through the window on the lawn but it isn't until he lights a match that she realizes he's built a fire in a brazier.

„Greenhorn mistake," Rebecca mutters. „You don't take kids on a romantic vacation."

„You do when you don't have anyone to take care of said kid." It had never been a question if they'd take Noah. There simply hadn't been anyone to watch him for a week. Also at three years old she couldn't have left him behind. Mother's guilt is an ugly thing.

„I guess that'd make it tricky," Rebecca admits wryly, nose crinkling heavily.

…..

They make it back outside and the fire Tom has built is blazing in the bowl, lighting up the night. The three of them sit around the fire that's crackling, each of them holding their stiff drink. It's perfection like this, the warming fire, the alluring drink, the serenity of the night. Olivia has never had this. She remembers her college days, her times as part of a sorority when drinking equaled partying and some of her most horrible hangovers. She remembers the drama, the boys. Then, during her time in the Academy she had started to drink more responsibly, had gone out to bars. When she had made it a cop and eventually detective she had tried hard to be one of the boys, drinking beer when she really preferred wine. She had desperately tried to fit in, hadn't wanted to be the girly girl that slumbered inside of her. A lot of her feminity she has only rediscovered when she had felt fully accepted among her male coworkers, when she was appreciated for her skills and shown her resilience and determination. So hanging out with her coworkers, who she also considered friends, even family, in her first decade in SVU had been about keeping up. Eventually she had found herself and having a drink was about indulgence. However, it is this scenario, Tom, his sister, the flickering of the fire and the Olf Fashioned in her hand that she truly enjoys herself and her company. Enjoys to just be and be part of _something._

She sits close enough to Tom to rest her head on his shoulder as she stares into the fire, hypnotized by the flames, lulled in by the heat and the continuous whisper of the blazing and crackling. She is slumped in the lawn chair, her jean clad legs stretched out. One Old Fashioned turns into two; Rebecca reasons that the ingredients are still out so they might as well make use of that wisely. The drink only gets better with each sip. Rebecca lights a cigarette, offers one to Tom. He refuses but the Olivia doesn't miss the longing in his eyes. She thinks it's sweet that he doesn't accept for her sake, because he knows she doesn't like it.

„You can smoke," she says easily. It's not the kind of relationship she wants to have, where she tells him what he can or can't do. He shouldn't make decisions that are influenced by his girlfriend, certainly not when it's about something so mundane as a smoke. „I really don't mind." And she doesn't because it's not like it used to be with Ed who smoked several cigarettes each day. She was fine with the occasional cigarette in this kind of setting.

He lights the Marlboro and she watches it flicker to life as Tom takes a deep drag and then soaks the smoke into his lungs. Leaning back Olivia stares back into the fire, the smoke cocooning her. She sips from her drink, inhales, and the passive smoke entices and disgust her at the same time. She thinks the last time she has smoked must have been about twenty-six years or so ago. Half drunk and nervous she had burned through multiple cigarettes after she had taken an exam, unsure if she would pass. Luckily smoking has never become a habit for her. Her aversion had carried her through the past two decades. And it was now that she heard weakness's susurration. Was there really a problem if she let go for once? Throw caution to the wind and just _live? Enjoy_ herself, enjoy the moment? Her reflective side argues that it's unhealthy. She almost laughs at that because here she sits, nursing her second stiff drink after three, no four glasses of wine that were killing her brain cells this very second. Declining a smoke in the name of healthiness has never felt quite as hypocritical as it does in this moment. _Fuck it._

„Give me that?" She gauges Tom's reaction as she holds out her hand for the cigarette. He's confused for a moment, then wants to pass her his Old Fashioned. She thinks he knows her well, not thinking that she'd ask for a smoke in a million years. Basically he would be right about that. The woman he has met and gotten to know wouldn't ask for it. But for once she wants to be someone else, not this restrained and controlled version of herself.

„The cigarette," she clarifies, grateful for the fire that tinges her face a shade of orange and covers the fierce she blush that make her cheeks burn. Wonderment washes over his features and she can see Tom falter. Her uncomfortable chuckle rings out quietly into the night and hesitantly he passes the glimmering cigarette onto her. For a second her stomach plummets as she accepts it between two fingers. Then nervousness overcomes her, followed by a thrilling tickle caused by the proverbial forbidden fruit. Insecurity nags at her, makes her doubt. What is she trying to prove here? She stifles the reservations and brings the object of desire and unease to her mouth, taking a careful puff. Olivia feels like fifteen years old again, just like she had when she had tried her first cigarette within her circle of friends. Her best friend Stella had stolen a couple of cigarettes from her mother.

Refusing to look at Tom Olivia draws the smoke into her windpipe. The taste in her mouth is like burnt paper. Her lungs are on fire and she starts coughing, her body reacting with heavy protest.

„Shit," she sputters as her lungs recover from the invasion of toxins. Rebecca chuckles. Tom rubs her back and sits up straighter.

„Are you okay?" She can see he is worried and probably doesn't know what to think of this.

„Fine," Olivia placates. „Just been a long time." She sips her drink, glancing at the butt. She takes another puff, even smaller this time and only inhales half of the smoke. It tastes a little less awful, although still awful enough. Her lungs don't revolt as much this time. Olivia merely responds with a small cough before she passes the cigarette to Tom. There is nothing to explain why she feels somewhat proud of herself for letting loose. It reminds her of last year when Carrie had visited and they had indulged in too much wine that caused Olivia to gush about Tom, admitting she thought he was sexy with his specs and more so admitting that deep down she was more interested than she let on under the guise of sobriety. Even she herself has grown tired of that prude, boring act she puts on in the name of keeping her privacy. What does she do it for anyway? She isn't better for it. Maybe it has always been walls that were built up to keep herself guarded, never let anyone know too much about her.

„And here I was, thinking you don't smoke," Rebecca relishes her own cigarette and slowly blows out a lungful of smoke.

„I don't usually."

„I won't even ask," Tom decides and the brunette Lieutenant knows he is still puzzled, the act beyond his comprehension.

„Good," she grins and lets him finish the cigarette while she quietly nurses her drink.

„I'm starting to think we're a bad influence," the younger woman cackles, once more giving her state of drunk away. It is oddly endearing to see Rebecca like this.

….

The taste in Olivia's mouth is terrible, which at least makes kissing Tom not as bothersome as it would likely be if she hadn't taken two puffs of the cigarette. The night had ended ten minutes ago after easy conversation, one more Old Fashioned - so they had amounted to three - and some guitar playing by the fire which was incredibly nice. It was also a little unfair that both Tom and Rebecca were able to still sing and hit the notes despite their inebriation when Olivia can't sing to save her life when sober. The sad part is that she loves to sing. She only ever does it when she is alone, though because she is _that_ terrible at it. Even her music teacher had once told her that her singing is worse than charivari. Tom had put the fire out while the women cleared the patio table and put the glasses and remaining plates in the dishwasher before the three of them quietly made their way upstairs, ways parting when they went into their respective rooms.

Tom has his girlfriend pinned against the door, his kisses lazy and a mix of alcohol and remnants of Marlboro Lights, supplying Olivia a heady feeling. It's butterflies, arousal. And unfortunately it's the sobering clarity that it isn't going to lead any further because there's letting loose and _letting loose_. No sex in the house of her boyfriend's parents. Ever.

„You taste good," Tom murmurs against willing lips that make her flesh weak where her mind is strong and cautious.

„I taste like you," she replies, letting him swallow her words and they both chuckle quietly. His hands are a whisper on her sides, beneath the soft fabric of her cardigan and thank God are they above her T-shirt because his hands - he's damned good with them. Tom's hands make promises that weaken Olivia's defenses. They possess the power to disarm her and make her judgement crumble. So does his mouth as it trails down from to corner of her lips to her chin and along her throat, leaving a track of saliva.

 _Shit, shit, shit._

Eyes press closed and her breath catches before a moan can roll off her tongue. Her left hand reaches and fumbles along the wall in search of the light switch, pushing it when her fingers meet the cool plastic. The room is illuminated in cruel, offensive light and Tom groans, stopping his actions before he pulls back slowly. His eyes are a brilliant blue, soothing and warm.

„You really had to do that, hm?"

Of course she won't admit that this is just a precaution, instead she comes up with a fairly good excuse. „Sorry." She places a short but firm kiss on his lips. „I need to check in on Noah."

That's reasonable and Thomas' eyes soften even more.

„Right. We should probably do that."

„No, no," she mutters and strokes his cheek. „You get ready for bed. I'll be back in a minute."

He leans into her once more, bringing his addictive lips to hers, his body molding to her softer curves. Hands sneak behind her, sprawling across the slope of her buttocks.

„A minute?"

„A minute," she confirms. Slowly and unwillingly she feels his hands fall away, releasing her. As he steps back Olivia smiles at him and peels her back off the door and leaves for the other room.

….

By the time Olivia joins Tom in his childhood room her boyfriend is in bed wearing only a fresh pair of boxers and it is not fair. She isn't drunk so there is no excuse whatsoever to not stick to the no funny business rule.

„He asleep?"

„Yeah," she breathes and smiles. She pulls her pajamas out of the overnight bag they have packed, a soft pink tee and short red pajama bottoms with a floral pattern. Aware of Tom's eyes on her she undresses and puts on the nightwear. Normally she'd go and brush her teeth but it's after midnight and she doesn't want to wander around upstairs and risk waking anybody up. Instead she slips into bed next to Tom, under the smooth covers, the scent of laundry detergent lulling her in. This bed is comfortable and the sheets are cool against her skin that's heated from fire and arousal.

As soon as Olivia finds her place next to Tom his hand comes to rest on her stomach, gently rubbing it.

„How do you feel?" The both of them have had quite a bit to drink.

„Good," she answers, topping his hand on her abdomen with her own and lacing her thinner fingers into his.

„Yeah? Not drunk?" The words cause Olivia to chuckle. It's probably the only thing his brain can construct so the fact she has taken two puffs of an actual cigarette makes sense.

„A little tipsy," she admits, eyes sparkling as she smiles. „Why, are you drunk?"

„Not drunk," he shakes his head and squeezes her hand. He hovers over her and his mouth twitches a little as if he wants to say something else.

„What?" Gently her thumb brushes the side of his hand. Tom only gazes down at her for a long moment and then, as if it's an afterthought, he lowers himself enough to capture her sweet lips. Olivia's head lifts just a little to meet him and within a second or two Tom's hand untangles from hers and is carefully placed on the back of her head, tangling in her hair. His thumb brushes the back of his girlfriend's ear. They exchange open mouthed kisses with just a hint of tongue. A soft sound comes from Olivia's mouth as their actions tug hotly at her stomach, making her shiver. Tom pulls back then, just looking at her again as she pants a little too hard, a little too fast for her own liking.

 _Get a grip._

Her hair is mussed on the pillow from the breeze outside and his hands getting lost in the strands. He keeps staring and it freaks her out. It makes her self-conscious.

„What?" This time it comes out just above a whisper, her insecurity mirroring in her tone. „Do I look like a mess?"

A smile tugs at his lips and breaks through. „Yeah. You look perfectly messy," he tells her lovingly, the sweet words caressing her soul. The insecurity eases. She reaches up to play with his ginger hair.

„Did you mean it when you said that a vacation in Italy or Scotland sounds good?" The penny drops. This is why he has been looking at her so curiously. Shifting he puts his weight on his left forearm and Olivia has a feeling he is bracing himself for her answer.

She bites her lip and swallows softly before she nods, remembering how just a few hours ago she has promised herself to at least try and get something planned within the next year. „I do think it sounds good," Olivia affirms. „I don't know if it's realistic anytime soon."

Nodding, his face relaxes and he leans down to kiss her forehead, her temple. Unnoticed his hand sneaks from below her head to the side of her breast and Olivia exhales a shuddering breath as his thumb grazes her nipple.

They are nose to nose, his breath hitting her open mouth and she swallows audibly. Just when Olivia thinks Tom is about to kiss her she hears the low, soothing rumble of his voice.

„Would you run away with me?"

She doesn't understand. Would she run away with him? She tenses beneath the question and when he lifts his head and gazes at her it all falls into place.

„Would you… run away with me? If push came to shove?"

If push came to shove. If their relationship depended on it, what would she choose? Would there be an order? Her heart starts hammering in her chest with sickening intensity. She loves him. God, she loves him.

„Where?" It really is a rhetorical question so, when Tom answers it almost surprises her.

„Anywhere."

 _There is an order._

„Yes," she says. „I'd run away with you." Anywhere. Because it's him. It's him and it will always be, she thinks.

There is an order.

Noah. Tom. Her job. Everything else.

In the following moment of silence the only sound permeating in the room is her breath because Tom seems to hold his. She waits for him to say something. To say anything. With dark eyes behind hooded lids his mouth crashes down onto hers. It's raw and consuming the way he kisses her. Her heart clenches, her body hums and throbs.

 _Good God, there is an order._

 _…_


	61. Indentation

**This is just some smut, I really don't even know how that happened.**

„So, where are we going?" She fastens her earring, face angled so she can get a better view in the mirror as the clasp clicks into place. It's a Saturday night and when she had asked Tom what she should wear for whatever he had planned he had told her festive but comfortable enough. Festive didn't sound like a dinner date but he had refused to confirm anything. At first Olivia had panicked for a second thinking she might have forgotten their one year anniversary but that is definitely not the case.

She sees Tom's reflection in the mirror behind her, smirking. It's the fourth time she's asked and just like before he doesn't give anything away. „You'll see," he repeats the same words from earlier. His eyes fix on her back and travel down her semi-nude body, the lingerie obviously teasing him more with each passing minute. Dark green panties with just a hint of lace snuggle up to the brunette's bottom, wrapping it like a present. One he won't get to open until later that night.

She watches the scene unfold and clears her throat louder than necessary. „Up here," she reminds him and he smiles, completely unabashed.

„It's not my fault you opted for _this_. You're a tease."

Olivia cocks an eyebrow as she pushes the second stud through her earlobe, head tilted and sees her boyfriend's gaze wandering instantly to her cleavage, taking in the way the cups are hugging her breasts and pushing them up ever so slightly where they have fallen victim to gravity over the years.

„I'm a tease? You won't even tell me what you've got planned." It is frustrating to her. She hates surprises. Okay, maybe she doesn't hate surprises but stealthiness she hates. „I'm just getting dressed." Of course Tom has got a point. She doesn't wear this kind of lingerie for herself and certainly not every day. She loves to feel good and sexy but in the very first place she bought this set for her man's benefit. Her choice has a visible effect. Ever since Tom has joined her in the bathroom he can't take his eyes off of Olivia. It makes her feel wanted and it's exhilarating to feel like this.

„I don't see much _dressing_ here. You've been standing here like this for the past hour." Well, he has a point, she has to give him that.

„Because I don't wanna get my dress all sweaty." She has done her hair, soft brown curls framing her face. And now that her make-up is finished she will get dressed.

„So you rather I get all sweaty from you prancing around like this, hm?"

„I'm not prancing around," she scowls and takes a step back as Tom steps into her personal space. When her behind bumps against the lavatory however there is nowhere else to go and strong arms wrap around her before she can do anything about it.

„Uh-uh. Don't do that. We don't have time." Chipped callouses rasp against soft skin, drawing a shaky breath from the brunette. The broader frame of Tom's body presses into hers as he grins and presses his lips onto her neck. „Tom…" Frustration is released with a drawn out and impatient groan.

„I can't help it when you're standing there looking like _that_." The words weaken Olivia in the knees and her groin rumbles with arousal when Tom's deep voice is so close to her ear and his hands firmly hold her on both sides. „And when you smell like that…"

„That's just my soap," she manages thickly, trying to clear her throat as giving lips caress her pulse point. She is trying to think, rambling on about her soap, as if it's enough to distract her from how good his mouth feels on her sensitive neck. „Dudu Osun… the black… bar in the… shower." It does nothing to calm the avalanche of tingling sensations in her belly that quickly spreads to her core. And it sure as hell doesn't stop Tom's hands from wandering, one up her side, the other snaking around her hip and cupping her buttock in a way that can only be described as possessive. The arousal curses through her body, making her feel lightheaded in an instant. She thinks she should be able to fight the magnetic pull of his proximity and touch by now. It is ridiculous that she turns to pudding in his arms - still.

When he shifts and lines his body up to her completely her hands grab the lavatory, the porcelain cool against her palms. His lips descend to her shoulder and he nips at the smooth skin he finds there before raising his head and looking up at her with lust filled eyes. Slowly he moves in and she bends her torso backwards as far as her body allows.

„No, no…lipstick..lipstick," she warns but to no avail. Tom's mouth captures hers mid-protest.

„So overrated," he mutters against her freshly painted lips while she sighs in frustration over how unstoppable what she knows will follow is. She really doesn't want to do this but she also does. Breathing out she opens her mouth and feels his tongue nudge against her bottom lip to tease before he slides it into her warm and awaiting mouth. Olivia feels his want for her by the bulge that has built in his dark blue chino pants, the ones she loves because they make his ass look incredible. His strong hands trace her arms all the way down to her wrists, making sure she keeps her hands where they are, on the lavatory, as she wants to bring them up to touch his shirt-clad chest. Her fingers spread out with the need to touch him so all of her weight rests on the heels of her hands. The room fills with the sounds of labored breaths, need coiling around the both of them. A gasp scatters in the air as Tom pushes his lower half against Olivia's midsection until she can almost not stand the anticipation of his touch. Her hips search contact to his, the fact that he's ruining her make-up forgotten. There is not an ounce of self-control left in her body and all it took was for Tom to dangle a quick fuck in the bathroom in front of her eyes. She wants him and the moisture that bewets the flimsy fabric of her underwear is a telltale sign. Her arms are shaking, muscles twitching as Olivia puts all her weight on her hands before Tom relents and releases his girlfriends wrists from the firm grasp he had on her. His arms wrap around her, one hand squeezing in between her ass and the lavatory before he pulls her away and navigates their bodies rightwards. He bumps her against the storage cabinet and clumsily lifts her onto it in the heat of the moment. There is a jolt and the wooden piece of furniture creaks under the brunette's weight, startling her. She doesn't trust that the cabinet withstands the action and both of them hold their breaths for a moment, waiting unmoving. When nothing else happens Tom deems the situation safe and his mouth crashes back onto his girlfriend's, hungrily exploring her while his hands squeeze her thighs.

The air around them thickens with every passing second, lips smack, breath hitches. The ginger-haired's lips drop to Olivia's chin and she tilts her head back until it rests against the wall. She feels Tom's hands grab her by the hips and he pulls them against him with a start. Olivia gives a little squeal but realizes the cabinet is stable enough. Shaky hands find his belt and unfasten it as Tom simultaneously lifts her up enough to push the delicate piece of fabric past her hips and ass and for a moment she thinks that fuck, it's going to tear. But it doesn't and within five more seconds the dark green lingerie is discarded on the floor, between Tom's feet. He makes short work of his pants and briefs, dragging them down and his manhood bobs up between them, saluting to Olivia in full readiness. He steps up in between her legs and when once more he pulls her hips towards him she feels off balance, her heart racing with the effects of momentary shock that his mouth wipes away with another consuming kiss. Feeling him fully erect on the base of her right thigh Olivia groans, the heat radiating off of her. Her eyes droop and she swallows when Tom's teeth catch her bottom lip and pull as his full hands squeeze the slope of her upper buttocks, his nails digging into the plump flesh. Olivia straightens herself, bracing on her hands. Feeling Tom's sex sliding up against her own is overpowering. It's teasing her where she craves it the most, unleashes her most primal needs.

The fact that they have a reservation, because they need to leave on time, fades away. It no longer matters to her if they will be punctual wherever Tom will take her or that her lipstick is probably smudged as hell and needs a complete do-over. It's a constant struggle for contact now and a groan ripples through her throat, deep, hoarse and needy. Tom's pelvis grinds and it hits Olivia square in the gut, the butterflies combusting at once. Again his tongue is in her mouth, tasting and exploring every corner, every single texture there is to find. He pinches the top of her butt cheek with one hand as the other gets lost in her hair.

Then his mouth is gone, leaving her feeling empty and cold and wanting. She draws in a lengthy breath when the tip of Tom's erection pushes between her slick folds but instead of giving her what she wants he pauses and manipulates her body into full dependence. She reacts with utter bluntness as he's scrutinizing her with dark eyes.

„Fuck me," she breathes, trying to find enough balance to attempt moving her hips towards him. He remains still, his grasp on her hair tightening a little. A quiet whimper falls from her lips as she manages to lock her legs around Tom and she has no willpower left to wait.

„Fuck me," her words ring out once more in a tense request, anticipation peaking.

Tom grumbles and it turns into a weak groan. At once he drives his length into her in compliance and finds salvation in her warm wetness. She is liquid heat, whimpering in response and he thrust into her again hard, while her body is still trying to accommodate him. Her body's natural resistance is in stark contrast to the desire and affirmation that spills from her mouth disguised as moans, making it all the more exciting.

There has never been an encounter as desperate as this one for Olivia. It has nothing to do with the sweet, slow burning consummation of their relationship. It's fast and hard and completely consuming as hips slam into her, lustfully stimulating that spot deep inside. Something about being taken like this, on the bathroom cabinet, feels incredibly sinful to Olivia. Not that she has never done it in a bathroom before. She is no stranger to sex in the shower. But this is still different. Rawer. It feels enormous. Olivia has never been an overly shy lover but there have been certain inhibitions. Inhibitions that were now abandoned, thrown out the window. She lost herself in the push and pull of Tom's movements, in the bite of his rough fingertips against the delicate patch of skin between her hips and ass.

When his hand cups her chin she arches her head back against the wall, mouths meeting to battle, both of them taking what they need. The muscles in her left arm gives in and Olivia clutches Tom's back desperately, thinking her nails might leave marks on his pale skin. She cries out when he slams into her in response. His hand slides down, grabbing Olivia by the back of her neck. It isn't rough but it's far from tender.

„You like it like that?" His word filter through with a groan attached to them, spoken into her open mouth and punctuated by another raw jerk of his hips that rattles the cabinet.

„Yes," she croaks. „Fuck yes…" Her throat is dry, her voice hoarse. „Fuck me harder." She is beyond eloquence or shame. Embarrassment can get the better of her after they're done, right now there's no place for it.

When he complies it shakes the entire bathroom cabinet, the edge of the top banging against the wall.

„Shit," Olivia hisses. It's the intensity of his thrusts combined with the fear that the cabinet is going to collapse under her ass. „The cabinet…the cabinet-," she warns and Tom slams his lips onto her to shut her up, but he too wonders if it's safe anymore as the thing cracks audibly.

„Fuck this," he mutters and lifts her off of it, making Olivia cry out in surprise as he carries her and stumbles towards the door until Olivia's back collides with it, lucky he made it despite his pants and boxers restricting his mobility somewhat.

„Oww," she gasps at the thud but laughs through her nose.

„Sorry. Wait… I need…. fuck." He uses one arm to brace against the wall and jumps a little to get a better hold on the brunette before he adjust to a position that's doable for another minute or two. It makes her bite out a moan when her hips settle against his completely and the angle kills her in the best way possible. He's literally in too deep. Her arms lock tightly around his neck as he resumes his movements, rocking against her leisurely a few times just to get a feel for the position. Finding himself steady enough the pace picks up and Olivia's head lolls backwards. The intensity of her impending orgasm baffles her. Her mind draws a blank and suddenly she's all tingling sensation that builds and blinds. Her moans change to something guttural and deep, something primal. She can't even tell where one sound of pleasure begins or ends, it's no longer distinguishable. He hits that spot and grunts. Every single jolt of his hips creates a stir in the rearmost corners of her body. Sluggishly her head falls forward and her mouth crashes into the space right at the junction between his shoulders and neck. The sounds coming from her are strangled and she can't help herself when she bites down, sinking her teeth into Tom's skin. He hisses and it tosses her over the edge.

She falls with his next thrusts and the pleasure makes her combust. Her teeth let go, she goes almost completely limb and with one last thrust she hears his breath hitch staccato. He eases her back onto the floor and her knees are weak. Panting she squeezes her eyes shut, seeing stars and his voice is a dull, unfamiliar sound.

„Holy shit…"

She swallows and manages to nod before her head falls against his neck face first.

„That sounds about right," she breathes, then chuckles.

„You bit me," he states matter-of-factly. She'd blush fiercely if her cheeks weren't a bright red from need and climax already. She did bite him now that he mentions it. And it hasn't been a tease. She lifts her head just enough to get a look and there is the sharp red indentation from her teeth. It hits her at full speed that in the moment she hadn't even been aware. She ducks her head and fumbles for an apology.

„Sorry…?"

His laugh eases the funny feeling. „I didn't know you were a wild one," he teases and Olivia is sure she hasn't heard the end of it. The embarrassment attaches to her in an instant but she tries to hide it.

„Well, I gotta hold on to some secrets," she mutters and gently pushes him but then wraps her arms around him. „How do I look?"

She raises her head, looking up at him, seeing him scrutinize her.

„You look fucked."

„I'm wobbly," she states. Her legs still have a life of their own. „And I look fucked? You're so observant, Tetley."

„One of my many strong suits," he breathes and pets her back.

„I bet my lipstick is all effed up."

„Very fucked up," he agrees, smirking at her. „A job well done."

„Smartass."

„Why, I love you, too. Come on, let me smudge it some more." Gently he meets her lips and feels her smiling against his mouth, a laugh vibrating in her chest and throat.

„By the way, if you broke my beloved cabinet, I'mma make you pay for that."

„Yeah? Can I pay in kind?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, having the one or other idea about his payment.

She laughs and throws her head back.

„ _In kind_ will have broke it to begin with."

„It was totally worth it. It did sound unwholesome though, didn't it?"

„I thought we busted it for sure when it made that strange noise," Olivia agrees. „Now that either proves we were rambunctious or I'm just fat."

„You're not fat," he criticizes the thought. It's not the first time he's heard her be assailed by doubts about her bodily appearance, although he doesn't exactly recall a crass word like fat. Although he is aware that a lot of women struggle with their body perception but there is clearly nothing wrong with Olivia's. He wishes she could see herself the way he sees her. She isn't super-slim. And he wouldn't want her to be. But she isn't corpulent at all. She has lovely curves in all the right places. In all honesty, she couldn't be any sexier to him. As if to convince himself of that his hands attach to her ribcage and smooth down to her hips. „You're fucking sexy, do you know that." His voice is a low growl and he presses his lips into her hair. „To me anyway," he continues, his voice softer as he cups her buttocks and teasingly squeezes.

„Well, thank you," she says softly. She believes him that he finds her sexy and some things about herself she likes, some others she doesn't. It's not that she is generally unhappy with how her body has changed, it varies and often depends on her emotional state. Right now she doesn't exactly feel like she's on top of the world when her bathroom cabinet hissed under her weight. Then again it is kind of old and has been moved one time to much, as she recalls Brian saying when he had put it together. It was one of the few things she had taken from her old apartment because it had been untouched by Lewis.

„I mean it, Olivia," he says, tipping her chin up so she will look at him. „You are incredible and there is nothing at all wrong with you. And you are not fat, not chubby, not too heavy, not too curvy. You are absolutely right and beautiful the way you are." Her gaze falters. It's remedy on her splintered body image and at the same time hard to believe. But she knows the way he looks at her by now so she can't even argue that he's just saying that to make her feel better. He is indeed thinking that. He sees her exactly like he says.

„I love you," she whispers when nothing else comes to mind and her eyes slip closed when Tom attaches his lips to hers in a feathery kiss.

„Let's get ourselves cleaned up, or else I'm going to get way into this again," he warns, not entirely sure if it's a joke.

„Good thought," she grins, hoping that her make-up will be easily fixed. „So… where are we going?"

„Here we go again," he laughs.

….


	62. Clean

**A/N: This continues where we left off last chapter - sort of. It's the same night, so it should explain what you don't read. I'm sorry it took me so long but things have been crazy. Feedback is always highly appreciated.**

...

Olivia has never heard silence this loud. She believes not even half of the people in attendance have known Elliot personally. But what does that matter when they know all the gossip, when there is still that legend surrounding them - Benson and Stabler. Seven years and just like she has never completely shaken her history with her ex-partner, it seems everyone else hasn't either. She thinks it's sensationalism in its purest form and it makes her sick.

The second Stabler's name has been dropped by Munch two dozen eyes have been on her and it doesn't just rain interest in this small venue - it pours nosiness. Olivia thinks she can almost hear people's thoughts.

 _‚Oh, did she know this was coming?'_

 _‚Poor thing. It really took her awhile to pull it together after he left.'_

 _‚I wonder if they were more than just partners. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.'_

While she seems to be able to hear and dissect everyone else's thoughts on the matter, Olivia isn't certain what her own thoughts are. Things in her mind are all over the place. Seven years and countless attempts to get in touch with him within the first year of his retirement will do that to you. She has only stopped trying when instead of a ring she was told: ‚The number you have dialed is not in service'.

Her eyes are on her former co-worker and as his eyes drop to the letter in his hands a part of her wishes he'd hit them with one of his crazy conspiracy theories instead of words written by a man she once knew as well as she knows herself. She isn't ready for whatever is to come. She isn't ready to be reminded of all the good and all the bad and all the pain over how it ended so suddenly. How with Elliot's absence she was faced to figure things out on her own and find herself, find the person she was without him.

The pressure from Tom's hand as he squeezes it makes her realize the death grip she has on his. She makes a conscious effort to ease up, flashes him a smile that doesn't reach her eyes, one that dies before it even settles fully around her lips, chased away by the heart wrenching loss she thought she has gotten over a long time ago. Repression and denial is really something.

Her gaze drops as the screaming silence is interrupted by Munch's even voice reading the words captured on paper out loud. Words Olivia isn't sure she wants to hear. Or maybe words only she should read, something that is hers alone.

„The first word that comes to mind when I think of Olivia Benson is fearlessness."

It's gut wrenching knowing these are _his_ words. Even more so to realize that she can't quite remember Elliot's voice, to imagine how they would sound from his mouth. Years ago she would have sworn she'd never forget that low rumble, his pitch. It's strange to think that she can't remember and yet, if she'd actually hear him laugh, she'd recognize it anywhere. He has become a stranger and yet some things will always be familiar. Time and distance can't steal everything away. Clearly it doesn't take away the pain. The past haunts and for a second Olivia can't breathe.

„And by fearlessness I don't mean a state of mind where one doesn't feel any fear. Olivia is someone who feels the fear, she faces it and she jumps in anyway. Fearlessness has been Olivia's biggest strength at times. At others it has been her biggest weakness. However - her fearlessness has always been an inspiration to me. Olivia Benson taught me in so many ways about a million things I didn't think I needed teaching about. I honor almost thirteen years of partnership, friendship and loyalty."

There is a pause in which she allows herself to let her gaze flit across the room. People's eyes are no longer on her and luckily, she thinks, because there is a giant lump in her throat and the threat of tears breathing down her neck. A gentle rub across her back causes Olivia to look to her right, into big blue inquiring eyes that wonder if she is okay. It's funny how her best friend always seems to know when something is _really_ wrong. Because there is nothing Olivia can say she simply averts her gaze and bites the inside of her lip. Her heart is beating so fast that it's nauseating. She doesn't make it through the rest of the toast of the man who's as absent from this event as he is from her life without some liquid support and takes two healthy sips of white wine. This moment is as desolate as her memories of that ‚friendship' Elliot's letter is talking about. How misleading of him to use that word and make her think there was anything more between them than a partnership. He has deserted her the very first chance he got. Turned his back on the unit and turned his back on her without a word of warning. Just like that he had been gone from her life, refusing to even acknowledge the relationship she thought they had build in thirteen years. A relationship that was obviously as fickle as clouds in the sky. She doesn't want to hear any more of this and has to. Walking out in the middle of this specific toast is not an option because it will tell people more than any guarded expression or emotion possible could. So she sits through it and lets the words pull her back in and tear her down. It's like retaliation for every good surprise tonight - honoring twenty years of service in Special Victims, even flying in her best friend which in retrospect explains Tom's ongoing questions about the other woman a few weeks ago.

„Whoever worked in Special Victims, no matter how long or brief knows how important it is to have a partner that you can trust indefinitely. Whoever has worked in Special Victims knows the self-doubt that comes with it. Despite the things she has seen in this line of work I know in my heart she is going as strong as ever even after 20 years. Olivia, in all of the darkness that accompanied you professionally and the ups and downs you have faced personally, just know that your light shines so much brighter. Know that it shines so bright, I can see it from afar. I am so proud of you."

A lone tear crawls down the brunette's cheeks and she isn't fast enough to catch it before everyone else sees it. She is touched and angry at the same time, questioning how he could leave his imprint on her, how somehow he must have marked her for eternity.

„Lieutenant Olivia Benson - I had the time of my life fighting crime alongside you."

She had been fine. For the past few years she had been fine. Or at least that's what it had felt like. That she had truly moved on. Only looked back fondly at their time together. But just like this the cookie crumbles. She isn't fine now and likely she has never been. It had been pointless to invest any more energy in something that was no longer. And now he brought it all back to the table - twenty years. Seven years he has robbed her of and never even had the decency to tell her why. Seven years that amounted to parading her and her feelings in front of friends and co-workers celebrating her 20-year anniversary at SVU. Of course the majority of people think she is deeply touched. That these are tears of affection only when in truth she can't tell up from down when it comes to her emotional state. Elliot surely meant well but to her it's the biggest Fuck You he could have sent after all this time. How is she going to forgive him for this? For waltzing back into her life after seven years talking about how he honors their partnership and friendship. How he is proud of her.

Realization that this is over only hits her when John folds the letter and slips it back into the off-white envelope. People applaud. It's soft in comparison the when Fin or Rollins have spoken, as if everyone's walking on eggshells after seeing her cry. The older man makes his way over to the round table Olivia occupies with Tom and Carrie and with a tight smile passes her the heavy words. She recognizes Elliot's handwriting instantly, her eyes scanning the address. Cragen's. It shouldn't surprise her that her former Captain has initiated this. In a way she even suspects the two men have remained loosely in touch after Elliot's departure. Cragen himself hasn't shown up and it seems he had a good reason.

„Thanks John." Her voice sounds as unbalanced as she feels while she hold the envelope between her fingers as if it might scar her.

„Well, guess it's my turn," the blonde next to Olivia pipes up and squeezes her side, shortly pulling the brunette against her to break the somber mood her friend is obviously in. She gets it. The whole Elliot ordeal. How this must have come as a shock. The implications of the guy's decision to not stay in touch with Liv. Grabbing her wine glass Carrie makes her way toward the lectern and luckily she is going to be the last to speak.

„Hi. I'm Carrie and Olivia and I met on our first day at Sienna when we had to share a dorm room. We hit it off right away, two young girls aiming for bigger things. We had little in common except our Psychology classes in the first year. We came from different cities and different backgrounds, I tended to overshare and Olivia… well, let's say she doesn't ever share." Everybody laughs and even Olivia flashes a grateful smile at Carrie and raises her glass before she takes a small sip.

„Anyway, we might have hit it off but our relationship hasn't always been free of complications. There was a time in our second year when we shared a room but we didn't consider us friends anymore. And there were reasons. In fact I don't think either of us thought we'd be friends again - only two girls waiting to switch dorm rooms when the first opportunity opens up. At that time I didn't know what kind of person Olivia truly was. I only found that out on the day that my term paper in my advanced psychology was due. I had it all written and finished on my desk. And the night before I had gone to party a little too hard and I was basically passed out on the bathroom floor. And when I wasn't passed out, I was hugging the toilet because booze and pot don't mix well. Olivia didn't have to and at that point I certainly wouldn't have done the same for her - but she tried to help me get myself together. And when I couldn't and time was running out she grabbed my paper and she went to submit it in time, telling my professor that I had been sick with a fever and an upset stomach all night. And as if that hasn't been enough she returned with soup and pain killers and took care of me for hours until I felt somewhat better. Not only did I realize then that I'd forever owe Olivia, I also realized that Olivia Benson is the kind of person you want by your side. She is the kind of person who will be there for you even when you messed up big time. She is rooting for you through it all. She is my person and on that day I wanted to leave whatever happened behind and become her person. Today I think I am. She still doesn't share much but she doesn't have to. Because I've learned how to be her person. I have come to know her well enough. I can't attest to the kid of detective or sergeant she used to be, or the kind of Lieutenant she is. But I do know one thing: You are the best friend anyone could wish for and you better know it. I love you." She raises her glass and nods at Olivia. „Here's to you, Benson!"

„Thank you," Olivia mouths and raises her own glass in salut.

„So you saved her butt," Tom concludes, pulling her closer against him.

„Sure did," she confirms. „I did weigh my options for a minute, tho. I'm not nearly as selfless as she made it sound."

Carrie returns and the two women hug loosely. The official part of the surprise event is over and Olivia can't say that she's too sad about it, being praised and complimented for something that is her job feels odd to say the least. What she wants to do first and foremost is to catch up with Carrie and try and have a good time and in order to do that she should probably thank everyone first. And because she hasn't prepared anything with it being a surprise party and all she decides to make the rounds, not a speech where all eyes will be on her again although has never been a shy speaker.

…

She is a few drinks in with Carrie while Tom is across the room at a different table discussing music with Carisi, making her wonder if she needs to feel sorry for her boyfriend and come to the rescue. From afar however it looks like he's okay and enjoying himself despite the company of the other man. It is good that he socializes with her friends and co-workers, she decides. That in this kind of setting he doesn't cling to her just because he doesn't know everyone else very well. Tom is open and explores new relationships. He has such a different approach than Olivia herself does in these situations.

Most guests have left, only nine people still hang out in the small bar that will open for the public in an hour, her core group. Munch is catching up with Fin and Warner and Nick (his attendance has been no less a surprise than Carrie's). Joe, the bartender, is a guy Olivia has known for as long as she's been with SVU. It doesn't surprise her he agreed to host her anniversary here and keep the place closed until eleven although she hasn't been here for a few years. Joe's reminds her of her first years, of celebrations but mostly of the feeling of loss and desperation. It reminds her of a few alcohol binges, of a couple of guys she has picked up at the bar after everyone else had left and she had stayed behind for one more drink. A lot has changed in twenty years.

„I still can't believe you're here," Olivia says for the third time tonight. „Too bad you have got to leave tomorrow already."

„I know. It's been kinda short notice, if I had known sooner…"

„Was this Tom's idea or…?" It probably was. Everything else didn't make sense. Nick being here is explicable. Carrie - not so much.

„Yeah, I think so. At least he called me. Said he was sure you'd like me to be here for it."

„Well, he was right about that," Olivia smiled at her, then glanced back over to where Tom stood.

„He really seems to be a terrific guy," Carrie told her. She knew the things Olivia told her and then briefly got to know him when he kindly picked her up from the airport yesterday despite her protest. Tom had been welcoming, open and warm, it hadn't been awkward at all like it had been when she met Kurt all those years ago, a man she hadn't even found a proper subject to talk about with. Tom hadn't seemed thrown off or bothered by her inquisitive nature which was a big plus. Unfortunately there hadn't been too much to find out that she didn't already know on a fifty minute car ride. But it had been enough to get a positive vibe from the guy that supported the impression Carrie had gotten from everything Olivia had ever told her about Tom. She loves that he is easy going enough to show up at this event in casual wear - a shirt, dark blue chinos and sneakers while all the other males have come in suits. Also he has proven he has a sense of humor and that must do a world of good for her best friend.

„He really is," Olivia smiles and for the first time she actually means it and feels it. Of course she has dated great men before. But then she had always lacked the confidence that the relationship could last. With Tom things don't feel hard or complicated. It's like things have fallen into place with him without trying too hard. He doesn't push her to talk about her feelings after a rough case, never patronizes her and most of all he is someone who tries to avoid fighting over things that just aren't worth it. He shows her a good time and also knows how to give her calm. Mostly he puts things into perspective for her. She remembers the day that Cragen told them about his retirement. How he had given her just one piece of advice - to not let the real life pass her by. To live her personal life. She has started with Noah but not to the degree she does now with Tom. She learns to put other things first besides work.

„Look at you getting all flustered over your guy still," Carrie laughs softly, seeing Olivia blush and soften. „It's like you just started dating." She feels this is different from Olivia's reaction and from the way she talks about him on the phone. In fact it reminds her of Olivia's college relationships and crushes, a time when things were more delicate than they become later life. She sees that same delicate quality radiating from Olivia now, that hopefulness.

„Okay, you need to stop this."

„No, it's… it's a good thing Liv," the blonde assures. „That's the way it should be. Who wouldn't want to keep that feeling of new love past the first few months of a relationship? You know you don't wanna trade it for the daily grind." She bumps her shoulder into her best friend's.

„Probably not, no," Olivia agrees around a chuckle and one more sip of wine. She remembers the daily grind all too well when stress and complications replaced butterflies and excitement. „Things are great right now. We get to see each other more often since Noah knows and they get along so well, too."

„And that's perfect, Liv. Embrace it."

„I am. I just… everything _is_ perfect which makes me wonder if the slightest change is going to rock the boat, you know?" It's rare that she talk about her fears and the liquid courage certainly helps. She glances over to where Tom stands, a little further in the back now, talking on the phone.

„Eventually the boat will be rocked, they call that life, you know? It's good and bad times."

„I know that. Of course I know that and we did have the one or other fight. But it still feels like we're in some sort of bubble. He is great with Noah, he is supportive of me and the job, he takes on responsibilities when he really doesn't have to," she explains. „His family is so nice, too and make us feel so welcome. And I'm perfectly fine, Carrie. I'm even confident in all of this but sometimes there's that side of me that's really waiting for the other shoe to drop."

„Well, sometimes there's no shoe dropping, honey."

„I know and that freaks me out a little, okay? The shoe always did drop and to think there might be no drop is… it's new."

„And new is scary. Alright, I get that," Carrie nods.

„So scary. Seriously, I didn't think I'd find this or that I could feel like this. I've never been very confident in my relationships. With Bri I thought I'd settle but when we realized we had different ideas of a life together…"

„You said yourself Brian was never the one. You wanted him to be but come on, he was never what you truly needed. And Tom might just be the one so being confident about that is a good thing."

„I know. It's the strangeness of a situation I've never found myself in. But he is good for us. He makes me happy…and here he comes," she mumbles the last part as her boyfriend crosses the room and walks towards them. He walks around their table and gently pulls Olivia a few steps away. If she would have to place her finger on it she would say he looks uncomfortable.

„Hey, I'm sorry but something came up, would it be okay if I left?" It catches her by surprise because whatever has come up can't have been planned.

„Um… yes, sure. Is everything okay?" She senses something is off but his words refute it.

„Yeah. Yeah, it's nothing. You'll be okay here with Carrie, right? Gives you the chance to catch up."

„Yes, absolutely. Erm… will you come back to my place later then?"

„I… I don't think so." She pulls him back a few more steps, her voice dropping as she leans in closer.

„Are you sure everything's alright?"

„Yeah, I'm sure. Don't you worry, okay? I'll call you tomorrow and you just go and enjoy yourself tonight. You're in good company."

Olivia isn't wholly convinced but nods in agreement, deciding to trust him. How many times did she have to leave when they had a date? She could be supportive now that he had something important that came up. „Okay. Are you driving or do I take the car back to my place?"

„I'll need the car. Is that alright? Do you have enough on you for the cab ride home?"

„I'll get home. You take care, yeah? Drive safe."

„Always," he agrees and leans in to kiss her. „I love you. Let me know that you got home okay."

„Will do. Love you, too." The moment he pulls back Olivia sees his behavior change. He grabs his jacket from one of the hangers and without looking back makes a quick exit not bidding anyone else goodbye.

„Where's he off to?"

„Honestly, I have no idea. He said something has come up." Olivia has a strange feeling but tries not to let it show. She could speculate in different directions and it wouldn't get her anywhere. Maybe a friend needs his help. Maybe it's Rebecca who needs company after a fight with her ex. It really could be anything.

„Well, I guess in that case it's just us."

….

Three hours later everyone has moved on and Olivia and Carrie have ended up at a bar close to Olivia's place and Carrie's hotel, both women buzzed from wine and mixers. Whenever she is around Carrie she is bound to have at least one hangover, Olivia thinks. At least everything is pointing towards it at this point of the night.

„I want an Old Fashioned," the blonde decides and after two glasses of Riesling, a vodka tonic and a margarita Olivia wonders if she's here for a tasting of their drink menu.

„Tom's sister makes a mean Old Fashioned," Olivia says, her mind wandering to Tom's sudden exit earlier.

„You hit the jackpot with that family," Carrie laughs, throwing back the last of her margarita. „I'd kill for a sister in-law who knows how to make a proper drink. Shots?"

„Hell no, not for me. And yes, I hit the jackpot, thank you very much."

„And did you hit the jackpot with him in you know… _that_ department, too?" She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, tongue as loose as ever. After Olivia's first night with Tom the most her friend had given her was that it had been good and that there had been no need to worry about it so much. But Carrie's curiosity had never been easy to satisfy. And intoxicated Olivia definitely tends to share more than stone cold sober Olivia.

Slightly drunk Olivia doesn't blush yet but she can't hide her grin, even though she seems very interested in the content of her highball glass.

„Nah, come on Liv, gimme something here."

„It's good."

„Good sounds mediocre."

„It's not mediocre," she assures with a pointed gaze into Carrie's eyes and then shyly drops it. „He knows what he's doing."

„Geez Liv, what is it with you that you get all ‚I wanna hide in a hole when it comes to talking about sex with my best friend'? It's just me."

„I just don't discuss it. It's…"

„Don't say private."

„That's not what I was gonna say. I just never… I didn't have those kind of friendships growing up where I told my friends _everything_. It's kind of embarrassing," she mumbles and takes a drink.

„What is? There's nothing embarrassing about sex or talking about it."

„Well, I know that you think that way and have no problem discussing things in detail. But I don't… I wouldn't even know what more to say."

„You're such an over-thinker sweetheart," Carrie says as if her best friend is a lost cause in that regard. „Who would have thought that the girl who used to date her professor would be so mum," she teases.

„That story again? Really?" She chuckles and leans back against her seat, eyes almost rolling all the way back in her head.

„Sorry, won't ever let that go," Carrie grins.

„Well, first of all he was very…"

„Hot," Carrie interrupts.

„I was going to say handsome but yes. And he was charming. That's what I thought back in the day. Now however…"

„What? You no longer think he was hot?" Their professor had been in his forties, full salt and pepper hair, perfect teeth and ocean blue eyes that were to die for. Carrie bets every girl on campus had wanted a piece of him.

„I think he took advantage of his power by dating a student and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just me. I was young and naive enough to think I was the exception back then."

„Yeah well, there's that. He did have a reputation for having a different girl on his arm every other term."

„I thought it was just gossip and that you were jealous. I trusted his word more than what everyone else was saying while secretly drooling over the idea of being with him."

„Well, I was jealous. Everyone was. That's why they hated you so much."

Olivia looked at Carrie sadly and reached for her hand on the table. „He wasn't worth it and I wish we never would have fought over it."

„Don't do that. I know I said I never would have done what you did but quite honestly? If I'd have had a shot? Yeah, I would have slept with him. It wasn't fair of me to fault you for it and call you easy."

„You would have?" Olivia asks in disbelief. „Wow, you were a real bitch there, Carrie," she says and laughs.

„I know, I know. I'm sorry," she apologizes and squeezes the brunette's hand. „One question though - was he as good as everyone thought?"

Olivia chuckles and shakes her head. It was the obvious question coming from Carrie. „Honestly? He didn't really do it for me. Mediocre at best. But what did I know at nineteen?" Scoffing she finishes her drink. „Did you say Old Fashioned?"

„That's my girl," Carrie laughs. „Gotta toast to the fact I wasn't the poor thing the good old professor screwed." And with that she walked towards the bar with a swagger to order more drinks as Olivia, chuckling, shook her head.

…

„… and Noah definitely is happier since Tom's been around. At four years old he was so angry sometimes and I know to a degree that's normal but he was constantly challenging me, telling me he doesn't like me, giving me so much attitude. Having a male figure in his life who really takes the time to play with him and do boy stuff has done so much for us. And he's really great with Noah. I wish I had his patience sometimes."

„I think every kid needs that male influence. So… have you talked about the next step? Whatever that is? Or talked about the future in general?"

„Like what?"

„I don't know. Moving in together? Not right now just… sometime in the future? Marriage? That still something that you want?"

Olivia blew out a long breath, her mind spinning from the question. The first and only time she has moved in with a man it had complicated everything and finally blown up in her face. Then again it hadn't been a planned and well thought out decision at all. It had been convenient. When Olivia hadn't known where to go and Brian suggested they could look for a place together since his lease was running out it had seemed like a good idea. „I… I honestly haven't given moving in together any thought. Things are going so well the way they are. He's coming over two, three times a week and when we want some alone time I'll spend some Fridays at his place and it just… it works, you know? We get to see each other whenever we want to but we can also have our space when we need it."

„You have that panicky look in your eyes."

„No I don't."

„´course you do. You're…" Carrie points a finger at Olivia and thrusts it towards her chest.

" …panicky." The blue eyes look wild under the influence.

„It hasn't even been a year. Waiting to bring it up is the sensible thing."

„You're so waiting for the shoe dropping."

„We've already established that. I'll always be waiting for the shoe to drop, Carr. I'm me. I'm that same woman who can't make a relationship work long term."

„Except this one's working just fine," the blonde reasons.

„It's working just fine. Probably because we are not living together."

„Wait, wait… hold on. You said waiting is the sensible thing," Carrie suddenly throws in.

„So?"

„That means you know what's sensible but what's sensible may not be what deep down you truly want. Or what you're thinking about. Or whatever. You're a puzzling human."

„What?"

„You wanna cohabit with Sexy Specs!"

„Are you drunk?"

„Well yes, but that's not the point here. Truth time, did you ever think about it?"

She had just told Carrie she has never given it any thought. So she could stick with that. Then again the blonde isn't easily fooled. „Maybe it has crossed my mind very briefly? But it's too soon."

„Aha! I knew it. Has he ever mentioned it?"

„No, he hasn't. And no, I'm not going to be the one to bring it up anytime soon, Carrie." She took a drink to wash down what she has just admitted.

„You're a coward."

„Yeah, so what? Just because he's all perfect and sexy and perfect… I think I already said perfect but… doesn't mean moving in together will work. I don't want to jump the gun - not again. Plus I really do like that sometimes I can take some space if I need it after a rough night." While at the same time she loves to cuddle up to Tom after a rough night and fall asleep to his warm body.

„Fair enough," Carrie agrees and bobs her head left and right a few times.

„I want it to feel like a natural progression. Like it was with him meeting Noah. The idea freaked me out for a long time although I was thinking about it a lot but then there was that moment I just knew and the whole thing was no longer scary."

„I understand that. But you know… I think it's great. I mean that it crosses your mind. You have a healthy relationship and you're not a young, naive woman. It's the most natural thing that you take it into consideration - for the future. And I can say that because in the past you didn't even really consider it. Brian doesn't count."

„I lived with him, he counts."

„No he doesn't. Would you have moved in with him without that housebreaking by the sicko?"

Housebreaking. God, she wishes it would have been just that. She wishes it would have been so easy. „No," she admits quietly. „I wouldn't have."

„See, it's the first time you're seeing all that future potential. I'm so proud, I feel like I mentored you to this point for all these years." The words are spoken with a slight slur and Olivia laughs, hardly able to take her serious anymore.

„You know you are hilarious. But no, telling me my exes were mostly lame and boring or selfish idiots is not what I consider mentoring."

„Wait, wait, I'm pretty sure I didn't call all of them lame or boring or idiots. I remember calling you an idiot a few times."

„Yeah, I remember that, too."

„And the last time I did that lead to something good."

„Well, yes, I guess that counts."

„I do play a role in you giving Sexy Specs a chance. Like both times. The not dating dating thing and the actual dating thing."

„Okay, hold on, you don't get to take _all_ the credit for that."

„I kicked your ass. Sorta."

„Yeah well, you did. And it was good that you did."

„That's because I rock. See. Mentor." She stirs her drink with the black straw and grins, then sips with relish.

…..

„I've just read that basically every person cheats at least once in their life or is cheated on. Something like that," Carrie says easily as she's sprawled out on the brunette's couch who is checking her phone. No message from Tom although she has sent him a text that she has made it home okay. Until now he hasn't even read it.

„Uh-huh," Olivia says and puts her phone on the rest. „With you shrinking people all the time, do you think that holds true?"

„I don't know. Possibly. There _is_ a lot of adultery going on. Where does cheating start? I guess there needs to be a definition. Does it start in our heads by just thinking about it? By secretly meeting someone else without anything happening? Kissing? Sex? Who the hell knows. It's personal. If it starts in the head I guess yeah, then most people probably are cheating at some point."

„Have you ever?"

„Cheated? Well… technically," Carry shrugs. „When I was dating that Collin guy I once made out with some other dude at a party."

„Do tell," Olivia says because this one was news to her. It could have been during the time they weren't friends or shorty after.

„Nothing there to tell. It was innocent. I ended it a couple of weeks later anyway. But apart from that, nope. Have you?"

„I could hardly make any relationship last past a couple of months with a few exceptions and you think I had more than that going on?" Olivia laughs. „Nope. Never cheated. Would you wanna know?"

„I don't know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, right?" Carrie says thoughtfully. „I mean, if it would be a full blown affair where he'd go behind my back and lie in my face all the time, yeah I'd wanna know so that I can take my actions. But a one-time thing? I think I'd not want it to ruin my life. I'd like to think I could forgive but knowing myself… nah. I'd rather he'd keep it to himself. Have you ever been cheated on?"

„No… I… not really-," she says heavily and rubs her forehead. She shouldn't think like this. Brian has never cheated on her. It had been a job. Nothing but a job. Olivia understands he couldn't have blown his cover. But that knowledge didn't do anything to make it feel meaningless. They have never talked about it because she had refused. It wouldn't have changed anything. She hadn't wanted clarification. She had heard it just fine. All of it. The sound of his zipper being opened is burned into her mind.

„Not really? What's that supposed to mean?" Carrie looks confused and treads carefully as she senses she has hit a nerve.

„It was nothing." Olivia doesn't even buy it herself. She had always pretended it was nothing, that it hadn't mattered in the grande scheme of things. But the truth is that it had hurt, that it had kept her up several nights with the sounds of her boyfriends moans caused by an other woman replaying in her mind over and over. It had been quite a few therapy sessions she had needed afterwards just to put it into perspective and move on like nothing had ever happened.

„Doesn't sound like nothing, Liv. Do you… wanna talk about it?"

Olivia sighs and throws her head back as she weighs her options. She can just keep it buried deep within like she always had around Brian. Or she could talk about it now that they were no longer together and she had some distance to the events and the emotions that were caused. „When I was with Brian we worked a case. He went undercover and things got out of hand. He ended up with a prostitute and couldn't have refused getting active without putting himself at risk. He was wired so there wasn't much leeway. So… I was in the car with my partner and could hear over the wire how he…"

„Shit. What the hell do you people have to do in this line of work? That isn't normal."

„It isn't. It's not normal, it's not what we have to do, it… And I get that in that moment he had no choice, he either played along or he might have blown his cover and the entire operation but…" She chuckles sadly and shakes her head. This entire thing had caused her so much self-doubt and insecurities, so many sleepless nights.

„That must have really screwed with you. I'm so sorry…"

„It has with him too, I'm sure. We never talked about it, I didn't… I didn't want to discuss how I've listened to him being serviced by an escort and I think part of me couldn't shake that although he didn't want it that he… he probably liked it, you know? Because after that undercover assault in that prison that I've told you about? I didn't… I mean… I do but…"

„Liv, no. Look, don't. Don't you do that." Carrie has an idea where this is going. They had a conversation about this once, not in detail, it isn't like Olivia to discuss such intimate matters in detail. But Carrie knows there had been an assault that had entailed near forced oral sex and Olivia had also admitted that the act of giving has been ruined for her. And in no way did the blonde ever want her friend to feel like that played into anything she was just disclosing.

„It makes you wonder, you know? I'd like to think that I could have handled it better if it wouldn't be such an issue for _me_ to… And it's not that I've never done that for him but…"

„You really should have talked to him about it, Olivia. Keeping all that bottled up is never healthy. You had to hear your boyfriend at the time having sex with someone else- „

„That's not what it was, Carrie there is a diff-," Olivia starts but Carrie interrupts her.

„I know he didn't ask for it and that he didn't want it, I don't fully get your work but I understand that a cop will do anything to not have their cover blown. I get that - it's Benson 101. But you still heard what you heard, no matter the screwed up circumstances. That would mess with anyone and whatever you felt was not wrong - it was yours to feel."

„No, it wasn't. It wasn't right to feel angry or… or like he's cheated because he has not. And I don't have anything to compare it to but it felt awful and it hurt and it made me so, so angry sometimes because I wish he would have done something to stop it - and I know he couldn't have, he walked into that situation with his hands tied. I wish I would have exited the car and just walked away from it because I knew what was going to happen, I knew the consequence of him entering a room with a woman. And I didn't. I sat there and I couldn't move and I just watched that train wreck happen."

„Just because it wasn't adultery doesn't mean it can't feel like it, Olivia. The physical aspects were all there. So if there's a level where it feels like you were cheated on - then that's okay to feel. It's also okay to be aware of that ambivalence because you know about the special circumstances. And if oral sex is a particular trigger for you - who can blame you to feel like this? You do things on your terms. And you feel things on your terms." Carrie knows she's close to shrinking her best friend but the situation seems to call for it. For once Olivia doesn't seem to mind and it is gratifying that her best friend relies on her sometimes.

„But me feeling that way hasn't been fair to Brian," Olivia reasons.

„Maybe not, but the fact he had no choice but to do this hasn't been fair to you, him or your relationship either. Nothing about it sounds like it was fair. And it shouldn't play any role what your stance on fellatio was at the time or whatever it is today - but Jesus Olivia - never say you don't but you do when you don't really wanna do it."

Olivia knows this. That she shouldn't. That she certainly never had to with Brian or anyone else. In a way Brian had been the exception. „He didn't push me, if that's what you're thinking. He'd never…"

„That's not what I'm thinking, I'm thinking that you are the kind of person who pushes herself to do something you aren't really okay with."

„I am not. I don't push myself. I feel betrayed, Carrie. This was never my choice. What happened in that basement? I didn't ask for it. And it changed me although technically _nothing_ even happened. I know it was assault, I know it was a close call and it changed me. It changed things for me and I want to feel like my old self again. And I can't. Not in that regard at least."

„If it's such an issue for you because it's something that _you_ want to experience for yourself again then maybe you should consider therapy, Liv. There are experts for this kind of thing, too."

„I know that. I tell victims that all the time and I know there are many men and women who experience that change in their sexuality and I know my triggers. I just don't think that I want to open up to someone about it in gross detail. It's one thing to admit that it's something I shy away from but an entirely different matter to go into why, how and when and what I could possibly do about it. I can go there with trust but it… it feels different, you know? I think maybe it'll never be the same. There's that barrier there and it's always in the back of my mind."

„I see how that would be very hard for you. I'm just saying that if you don't want to find a healthy way to go about it… just don't push yourself, Liv. Not when it comes to something you don't want a hundred per cent."

„I am not pushing myself, I've… I mean I have once or twice with Brian just to test the waters. And it's almost been a year with Tom and I've never…" She balls her hands into fists, feeling that anger boil up.

„That's okay and it's normal."

„No, it's not. It's fucked up to want to and instead of going for it I worry myself sick that I'm too tense to do it well, that I haven't done it for years or worse." She remembers how once she had freaked out on Brian when he had put his hands on her head on the very few times she has done it for him. It had been a horrible experience for the both of them.

„Okay. Let me correct myself, it is normal after experiencing sexual assault. There's a wide range of normal, I don't have to tell you that."

„I know."

„Good."

„Is it? I'm basically waiting for Tom to bring it up because he's not holding back when it comes to doing it for me and I haven't even remotely tried to give back." Olivia has no idea why she is discussing it at all. Maybe it's the alcohol that loosens her tongue. Or maybe she has been dealing with it for such a long time that it just needs to be verbalized because it is something that has kept her on edge since the first time she's slept with Tom. It is not the question in itself that she fears, it's the implications of her telling him it's not something she does easily although it's something she would like to do for him. For her, before Sealview, it has always been something that she liked to share with a partner in a relationship, something that was part of a healthy sex life for her. Something she even experienced as empowering until Harris has taken it away and changed it for good.

„Maybe he's fine with the way things are." It sounds easy and unstressed when Carrie says it.

„Right, because men just hate blowjobs," Olivia says sarcastically and rolls her eyes. She has never once come across a man who didn't enjoy it immensely and Tom certainly isn't the exception.

„No, but they sure as hell can have a fulfilled sex life without them. It's one aspect of your sex life. Who cares? I mean, I bet the majority of men either like or would like to try anal and not every woman is down with that. By the way - we're just having a proper sex talk, you make me so proud tonight and there you go blushing because I've mentioned the backdoor."

„We're not going there…" Olivia is chuckling helplessly because she is in fact having a sex talk and while it feels awkward it is also amusing with Carrie's quality to point things out so bluntly.

„Fair enough. Don't mock it till you try it, tho."

„Oh Jesus. You really know how to make an uncomfortable thing less uncomfortable by bringing up something even more uncomfortable."

„That were many uncomfortables in one sentence and thank you very much. And yes I do. Anyway, you either tell him or you wait until he brings it up - which he might not. If you ask me? A decent guy will never ask for it. When a woman doesn't go down on a guy it speaks for itself. Why should you feel lousy about it?"

„Because he does it. Because it's expected to return the favor. "

„So? It's not tit for tat. Let me tell you a secret Liv: if he goes down on you and never asked for you to do it chances are he's simply into eating you out. Bam! That simple."

The brunette's cheeks are flushed with embarrassment and alcohol alike as she laughs, feeling a little uncomfortable and very much on the spot. Of course she should expect this kind of wording from Carrie and yet it throws her off. „Do we have to call it _that?_ "

„If that's not totally appropriate wording to describe it he's not doing it right so let's hope we can call it that." It is good to hear Olivia laugh and not shut the entire conversation down, especially with how vulnerable part of it is. Not only is her best friend sharing, she's also confiding in her in a way she never has before.

Olivia, shaking her head, covers her face with her entire palm muttering quietly. „Oh my God… I am not doing this. There is not enough alcohol in the world to make this seem normal."

„So he's doing it wrong? I mean just because he's doing it at all doesn't mean he's some kind of hero." Carrie is curious enough to sound like a flower about to die of thirst.

Olivia's head falls forward and when she removes her hand from her face it is a bright red. „No, he's doing it very right," she says quickly, getting it over with like she's ripping off a band aid. It sounds like she is holding her breath as the words leave her mouth.

„Well, thank God!" Carrie says with relief. „You had me worried for your sexual wellbeing for a second. I really didn't want to sit him down for a talk and explain the basics of good oral to him," the blonde jokes. „God knows, I think it should be taught properly. Do you have any idea how many women complain that guys don't know what the hell they're doing down there? I get we can be complicated creatures sometimes but come on…"

„How would you even know? You've been married half of your life and although I never wanted to hear about it I know too many things about… _everything._ "

Carrie shrugs and pulls her feet up. „I had friends who dated and I've heard some very sad stories. You'd think in the age everyone talks about it everywhere men should know better. I mean I guess if it's bad once it's forgivable - first time jitters, whatever, it happens. But a bad lover is just like… mold. Nobody wants it."

It is so refreshing to hear Carrie compare bad sex to mold and Olivia can't help but snort into her open palm. „I need a drink. Wine?"

„Unless you've got Tequila," the blonde drawls with a grin.

„I told you no shots. I don't have tequila. I've got… erm… bourbon, Gin… no tonic, though."

„Hm. Wine will do then. Any word from Sexy Specs yet?"

„Nothing," Olivia says and walks to the open kitchen area, pulling a bottle of wine and glasses from the cabinets.

„Too bad for you. A night like this calls for celebratory sex."

„Yeah well, isn't that too bad?" Olivia asks, trying to avoid the subject because she isn't too torn about it. After all they had pretty amazing ‚almost-broke-the-bathroom-cabinet' sex before they left. Except Carrie reads her just fine as she refuses to look at the blonde trying to play nonchalant. And she is not good at pretending.

„Ah, I see. Already fucked."

„What? How do you even…"

„Your face is like an open book, Benson. It's that sheepish thing you've got going on when even thinking about it and then you're trying to overplay it and ah… it's just adorable when you're acting all coy."

„I'm not coy."

„She said coyly," the blonde teases. „So where? Bathroom stall? I wouldn't have thought…"

„Ew, no. Seriously, you think I'm having sex in a bathroom stall of a cop bar with my entire department waiting outside?"

„Not?" Carrie smirks. „You were both gone for a few."

„I actually did use the bathroom and so did Tom, he just waited for me and we had a short conversation away from the action. Also - cop, Carrie. I don't have public sex."

„It's not really public."

„A public bathroom qualifies as public. Come on… do you do it in public?" There's a deep frown on Olivia's face.

„You make that sound so dirty," Carrie laughs.

„I shouldn't be surprised. Why am I surprised?" Olivia mutters to herself.

„Hey, look, it's not like that's a regular thing but a few times in my life when there was an itch that needed scratching…" She says it with such an openness and innocence at the same time that Olivia can't help but sigh.

„Honestly, if I had that kind of itch it's not something I would do. Not only am I a cop, I'm a Lieutenant. My squad arrests people for that exact thing. For masturbation in public, for flashing, for intercourse in a park. I'd lose my job over something like this."

„Alright, good point," Carrie says and uncorks the bottle.

„Can we move on now and not talk about sex anymore? I'm not nearly drunk enough to take any more of this."

„Well, sure. So, how did that letter from Stabler make you feel?"

In an instant Olivia would rather talk about every sexual encounter she has ever had. In detail. Nothing could possibly be worse than talking about how that letter has made her feel. _‚Keep it coming,'_ she thinks as Carrie pours the wine.

„Tom and I had amazing sex on cabinet in my bathroom, I think it was about to bust so don't put anything too heavy on it," Olivia said quickly, not looking at Carrie and reaching for her glass to take a few gulps in a row.

Carrie stopped mid-motion of pouring wine for herself, looking amazed. „That was the key all along? Bringing up the ex-partner? You gotta be shitting me."

…..


	63. To The Sun

He accepts the paper cup of lukewarm coffee from Rebecca before his sister sinks into the plastic chair next to him. At this time of night the waiting area has cleared out. It smells of disinfecting agent, distress and hope between these walls. The ceiling lights are too bright; an offense on the eyes.

„I just talked to Mom. She got home okay but said to call in case there's any news. Mable is with her so we don't have to worry about that," the strawberry blonde woman says, resignation dominating in her voice as if she knew there will be no news tonight - at least no reassuring changes.

„Good." It had taken a long time to persuade Alice to go home at all. They had eventually persuaded their mother to get some sleep and bring a few necessities back in the morning. There was nothing either of them could do at this point except wait to hear about the damage the heart attack and subsequent cardiac arrest has caused. For now their father is in a coma and although they weren't told much they had been warned that long term damage is to be expected in the best of scenarios.

„How the hell did this happen?" Tom mutters wearily, rubbing his palm across his face. He knows Rebecca won't have an answer and he isn't expecting one. The stress of the last five hours is starting to fall off and the full realization is catching up with Tom. He had received Rebecca's call almost stoically and made the decision not to tell Olivia. Tonight is for her and he didn't intend on ruining the celebration of her twenty year anniversary with her unit. He had hated lying to her face that everything was okay to downplay his sudden departure. Feeling his sisters hand wrap around his wrist and squeeze in a supportive gesture Tom looks over at her. It had been Rebecca who had taken charge and called everyone and kept it together so well for their mother until he had finally arrived. „You okay?" He rasps eventually.

„Not at all," she says around a sad smile.

„Stupid question, I know," he replies apologetically, hearing his sister sigh. She rests her elbows on her thighs and cradles her face in her hands.

„If he's not going to…"

„Becks, don't. Let's not… we don't know…" He doesn't want to think that their father might not make it although he feels it's a possibility.

„Mom's blaming herself," she whispers shakily. „As if she could have seen it coming or noticed it sooner." Her voice cracks. „Shit."

He feels helpless as his sister is reaching her breaking point, not surprisingly after functioning for hours and staying strong for their mom. She had been Alice's sole support until Tom had arrived almost three hours later. He reaches out and rubs Rebecca's back reassuringly, hoping to give her a sense of comfort. The knowledge that their family will forever be changed is cruel and sobering after the initial shock.

„He'll pull through," Tom rasps although he's not convinced at all. He knows he might not. The on call doctors have put them off for tonight, explaining that further testing will be done in the morning to determine the damage to their father's brain but after what he had seen and heard he's not very hopeful to hear good news.

„It's been too long," Rebecca mumbles, shaking her head. „Even if he… he's not going to be the same." A tear rolls down his sisters cheek and Tom watches as she slowly wipes it away. He can't even argue with that. Realistically their father isn't going to make a satisfactory recovery. He is comatose and on life support. He'll be dependent on care and Lord knows their mother won't be able to provide it at her age. Tom can't fathom to think what scares him more - losing his dad or possibly watching him in a vegetative state, the person he used to be trapped in a shell. He realizes he has never asked either of his parents what they would want in this case or if there is an advance decision in place, wonders if Rebecca knows. He hopes his parents have discussed this. The idea of doing something that could go against his father's wishes is nauseating. It is all happening too soon. He never actively thought of his parents dying or being unable to make a decision for themselves. It also makes him think of his own mortality and that he should take precautions. Talk to Rebecca. And to Olivia. He wants to make sure they won't have to agonize over what to do if decisions have to ever be made.

„Are you sure you want to stay here?"

„We promised Mom. And we can't leave him alone," Rebecca reasons. Tom gets what she is saying. She wants to be here just in case. And although they are not with him physically, they are at least in the same building.

„Okay," he agrees, taking a sip of coffee. If this is what he can do, stay right here with her, then it is what he is going to do. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and sees he's got a message from Olivia, stating she has made it home and Carrie is staying over instead of the hotel. There are three typos in her text telling him that she's probably had a boozy night. He types in a quick reply but doesn't mention the tragedy that has hit his family, deciding to let her get the sleep he won't have this night. He will bring her into the loop in the morning and take it from there.

Tom dreads the next few hours and the impending morning, the tests that will bring clarity. Hopefulness and fear make a home within his stomach, making it feel like he's twisted all up in knots. In this situation he feels completely lost, like he's tripping in the dark. He can hardly think straight. All this uncertainty is a grueling experience. Rebecca's leg is bobbing restlessly and it makes him nervous. It gets harder to breathe by the second. Eventually he pushes himself up, unable to take this any longer.

„I need fresh air." He merely sees his sister nodding in acknowledgement and a small part of him is relieved that she makes no move to follow as he makes his way toward the exit doors.

…..

„Here's the thing: You don't just not get in touch for seven years," Olivia drawls, the wine showing its effects, especially in combination with the drinks she has consumed before. „- and then write a cheap letter talking about friendship. Friendship my ass. He just walked out - which is fine-," she lies. „Totally fine, his decision to make. But to never even - you know what he sent me? A medal stating ‚Semper Fi'. That's it. He hasn't taken a single one of my calls and I called like… a lot." She holds up a finger to make her point and looks at her wine glass, chugging what is left inside. „And you know what's wrong about that? I'll tell you what's wrong," she slurs, taking a pause to think. „He robbed me of my goodbye. I drove by his house at night and there was _light. LIGHT._ " She stresses the word and makes an excessive gesture with her arm.

„And why didn't you just knock on his door?"

She looks at Carrie as if the blonde has lost her mind. „Because… because he's Elliot and if he doesn't want to talk then he won't talk, he just gets all moody and broody. He had some issues, I can tell you," Olivia scoffs and sits up enough to reach the wine bottle for a refill.

Of course Carrie had already heard about the medal and the circumstances surrounding Stabler's resignation but never in such detail. It is quite amusing to get to the bottom of that partnership after all these years. Clearly Carrie has her presumptions and opinions on the whole story but this is more confirmation than she could ever have hoped for.

„So he can screw himself and screw his letter because I really don't care anymore. He was never there when I needed him. He pissed all over me. I was good enough when he needed someone to stroke his ego because Kathy sure as hell wouldn't," she huffs. „I was good enough when his marriage was falling apart. He has no idea how it feels to be dropped like a hot potato. One day I'm all in the loop and we're friendly and the next day he tells me he's moving back home because he knocked up his wife," she giggles. „Do you see the irony?"

While Carrie doesn't see the irony she sees the true issue at hand. Nodding she salutes to her best friend. „Clear as day."

„In retrospect it is good that he left. I never thrived with him. It was always Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. Do you have any idea how many times his temper got us in trouble? But God forbid I made a mistake - he'd be livid, Carrie. Telling me I couldn't do my job. And when things got rough he'd tell me he couldn't go on like that, he couldn't be my partner," her face is a perfect portrait of stunned. „You know what I did?"

„You went undercover with the Feds."

„I went undercover with the Feds!" she agrees even louder so Carrie would surely hear it. „While he was cozying it up with his _new_ partner. Not that he'd ever admit to it but I know what I saw." Olivia's recount of her thirteen year partnership is all over the place but to her it makes perfect sense.

„What did you see?"

„Oh, he was sleeping with her. Not judging but he was still married. She should have known better. I never would have made a move on him."

„Clearly. Why would you, you were partners."

„Exactly!" She says this as if she is the first person in the world who gets it. „You don't do that. Even if you want to, you just don't. But someone didn't get that memo." Carrie can hardly keep a straight face as Olivia gestures wildly with her overly expressive facial features.

„Didn't you once sleep with Brian before you-," Carrie doesn't get to finish. Olivia shoots upright in an instant.

„That was different. He wasn't my partner. And we had been drinking. And neither of us was technically still married."

„You're right. That sounds different."

„Thank you." She takes one more sip of wine. „Where were we?"

„Elliot sleeping with his partner while you were with the Feds."

„Right, right. So he was sleeping with her, no doubt about it, he was all flirty and smiling. And I was stupid enough to think he'd actually miss me. Because I missed him. He was my partner after all. And my friend - I thought. I even had dreams of him," she starts and quickly adds: „I won't say what kind of dreams but dreams, okay. And instead of reflecting why our partnership has been so strained before I left like I have done for _months_ he's been screwing _her."_

„And you're sure he's been doing her?"

„Oh please, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck," she rolls her eyes. „And it probably wasn't just her, either. He's been out on dates. So God knows what else he's been doing. Anyway-„ another sip of wine. She really makes it count today. „For him to write that letter and have it read out as a toast in front of _everyone,_ " she continues and all of a sudden her heart is as heavy as a brick and her eyes fill with tears. „Does he not know me at all? To subject me to this kind of humiliation when everyone knows he just left? It destroyed me, Carrie." She sobs now and the blonde hasn't seen this coming, thinking the days of Olivia ugly crying were over.

„Oh Liv, honey… it's okay." She scoots closer and tries to take the glass from Olivia but the brunette pulls back and crying takes another sip.

„Did he really think I wanted to hear from him like this after all this time? I kept telling myself he cut me out of his life because I'd remind him of SVU or of that teenage girl he has shot. I know that must have fucked him up bad but that was never it, was it? Obviously he has been in touch with Cragen and I don't even want to know who else." Her eyes get red and puffy as her sobs become a staccato sound that make it hard to breathe.

„Okay, come here. Let me take this." Carrie manages to wrestle the wine glass from Olivia's firm grip and puts it on the table before she wraps her arms around her best friend. „I'm sorry. Look, he should've known but maybe he just…" She isn't sure what to say and maybe it doesn't even matter. Maybe Olivia simply needs to get it out once and for all.

„It hurts…"

„I know," she soothes.

„It… wasn't… fair."

„I'm so sorry."

Giving in Olivia leans into Carrie's embrace, letting it all out for once. All the feelings she has stifled for such a long time, things she has only discussed with Lindstroem, it was all coming up now. The blonde encourages the emotional release with gentle strokes across Olivia's hair and back, whispering words of support and understanding. Carrie had always known that Olivia's partnership with Stabler had never been black and white. She herself had never called her out on anything and Olivia never would have admitted to anything either but the undergrowth of feelings had been an open secret.

A couple of minutes and the sobs subside. What remains are heavy, short breaths. When Olivia pulls back she wipes her tear stained cheeks with her thumbs and apologizes.

„Sorry…"

„Don't apologize."

„I feel like an idiot." Like a drunk idiot. Her head is spinning from alcohol and crying and she feels too damned much.

„What for? It's okay, Liv. It's hard, I understand that. I think you kept a lot bottled up."

„I'm crying over a man that's not even in my life anymore. And I shouldn't because I have an amazing man in my life…Who does that?" She feels like a total mess.

„Someone who has never had closure," Carrie offers.

„He shouldn't affect me anymore. Not like this."

„Can I ask something without you getting upset?"

Olivia swallows but nods slowly, trying to brace herself for what is to come.

„Do you still have feelings for Elliot?"

It isn't what she had expected at all. The words hit her square in the chest and her heart clenches. Does she still have feelings for Elliot. She doesn't have to think about it. She feels the answer in an instant. „No, I don't," Olivia replies quietly and shyly, knowing she also admits that she used to have them.

„Then you're fine, Liv," Carrie says softly. „He used to be the probably most important person in your life for so many years and suddenly he was gone. What happened today would have thrown anyone. And even after seven years it is okay that you still mourn that partnership and maybe even what you hoped it could have been."

The brunette covers her face with her palm, exhaling heavily. „I'm so drunk."

„You sure are," Carrie laughs softly. „Are you okay, though?"

Slowly she nods and leans back against the pillows of the sofa. „I think so. I don't know. I want to punch Elliot in the face and I can't because for that I'd have to face him and I don't… I just kept thinking tonight thank God he wasn't there."

„Yeah? Why's that?" Carrie watches Olivia shrug and then stare a some phantasmal spot on the table.

„I don't know. Maybe because I'm scared old feelings could flare up. I thought…" she starts and her voice drops to a whisper. „…so many times that I was over feeling things I shouldn't for him. So many times. And I'm over it. I'm over him. But seeing him again? I'd never want to risk it," she breathes and puts her face in her hands. „I couldn't do that to myself."

„You are in a good place, Liv. Have some faith in that."

„You don't know what it was like, Carrie. I was drowning. I was trying to put things into perspective pretty much every day. There was a part of me that was hoping his marriage would fall apart again. At times I would have thrown caution to the wind and considered starting an affair if only he'd have given me a sign and that's not me. That's not the kind of person I am. I truly didn't thrive with him because I was so hung up. I always thought of him first and of myself second. There is _nothing_ I wouldn't have done for him and I don't mean that in a heroic way. It took me a few years but I finally reached that breaking point and I realized that this relationship hadn't been healthy, that I've lost myself in it. And I can't even describe what that relationship was. I wouldn't change anything about those thirteen years, although that's embarrassing to admit. But I wouldn't want to go back, either. He's… my kryptonite. So no, I'd never want to risk it to see him again. Not now." Not when she is finally happy.

Hearing the word kryptonite causes Carrie to stop scrutinizing the situation. She gets it, no more questions asked. Elliot Stabler ist Olivia's one weakness, a possible threat to her relationship with Tom, the one person who could make her question and doubt everything.

„Okay. That makes total sense."

„Does it?" She asks, fragility swimming in her words as another tear rolls down her cheek. „It says a lot about my relationship, doesn't it?"

„No, it doesn't say anything about your relationship with Tom, Olivia. Don't you doubt for even a second that what you have with him is special. It does say a lot about the relationship you had with Elliot and nothing else."

„You really think so?" She blubbers out quietly.

„You love Tom," Carrie states matter-of-factly and Olivia nods.

„I really do."

„That's all that matters here. Not the past, not the fact that this letter has caused you confusion and sadness but that you love Tom. You're okay, sweetie." The blonde pulls Olivia against her and places a kiss on her hair. „I think we should get you into bed for tonight."

„That sounds good. I might need a bucket," she mutters because the room starts spinning again, if it ever even stopped.

„This really feels like the good old days," Carrie says, trying to sound chipper and bend Olivia's thoughts away from anything involving Elliot. „Come on, let's go. Do you want a shower?"

„God no."

„Alright, point taken." She helps Olivia up who sways and it matches the slight slur to her words. She leads the brunette to the bedroom, making sure she gets into the king size okay. „You really are a lightweight, Benson," Carrie teases as Olivia crawls into bed collapses with a groan.

„And you're not human. How come you can drink and drink and not….get drunk."

„Oh, I'm drunk alright, I just handle it better," she says softly. „I'll be on the couch."

„No, stay here," Olivia protests. „And my phone. I need my phone in case work calls."

Snorting Carrie walks to get it, mumbling to herself. „Right, because you're going to catch rapists drunk as skunk." Dutifully she brings the device back to the bedroom, seeing a message popping up stating Tom 3 and the amusing part is that Olivia Benson uses heart emojis for him in her contacts.

„You've got a text," Carrie states and Liv reaches out and takes her phone, unlocking the screen. Thank God for whoever invented Touch ID, she is positive it would take her a while to get her six-figure security code right. Her fine motor skills are basically non-existent at the moment. Tom doesn't mention anything about why he had to leave early or about his whereabouts. For a moment she is eager to reply but then figures that she shouldn't drunk text him. Nothing good ever comes from that. Carrie plops down next to her and Olivia drops the Iphone on her stomach, screen down.

„You know what Carrie? I love you so, so, so… so much," Olivia rambles and turns her head to look at the blonde. The drunken haste in her eyes breaks and she grins crookedly.

„You are cute," Carrie chuckles. „I love you, too."

„I love you because you forgave me for dating Marten."

„Morten," Carrie corrects the name of their professor and Olivia makes a gesture with her hand.

„Whatever. If I could go back in time I'd totally let you have him."

„Yeah? Cause sharing is caring?" Carrie snorts.

„No, because I love you," she slurs. „Or do you mean a three-way by sharing?" She wonders aloud, making an effort to think and then giggles. „Oh my God, did you ever have a three way?"

„No, can't say that I had," Carrie smiles. If her crying fit hadn't been proof Olivia is stupidly drunk this conversation certainly is. For a moment there is silence before the brunette bursts out cackling.

„We're both three-way virgins."

„Good to know, Liv," she chuckles and turns onto her side wondering when the obvious effects of alcohol would wear off.

„I wouldn't be telling you this if I were sober but I totally would have had a three-way with you in College."

„I think I should be flattered," the blonde says, thinking they have just hit a zone that's funny but strange as hell.

„Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird for saying that?"

„I don't think you're weird, I think you're hammered and don't know what you're saying." Except Carrie knows from experience that drunk people usually speak the truth.

„Good," she mumbles and for a second she is tired-drunk instead of funny drunk, at least before the next thought hits. „I'm so old. And you're so old but you're… gorgeous."

„You're not old."

„I'm forty-nine. Oh my God, not even a year and I have lived for half a decade. That's like… fifty years."

„Century. Half a century."

„Whatever, I've got drunk-dyscalculia." She says although that is definitely not the case, then snorts. „That's such a funny word. Did you know that that's a medical condition but when you can't sing - like…. if you actually can't sing at all, like I do, that's because you can't hear properly. Like… you can hear but there's just something that you can't hear and there's no word for that."

„Isn't that dysphonia?"

„That's what I said but Tom says that's something different. But my point is, if you can't do math then that's a scientifically recognized condition. But when you can't sing, then you're just considered a bad singer."

„Wow." Carrie is amused but also impressed about this string of drunk conversation.

„I feel so discriminated against since I know that. It's not my fault I sound like a tortured cat. And it feels so good to know that."

It's too much and Carrie finally cracks and starts laughing out loud. Olivia really doesn't seem to have a filter when drunk and she clearly hasn't been _this_ drunk in a very long time.

„`s not funny," Olivia mutters and rubs her face, spreading her mascara around her eyes. „I'm hungry."

„I think you're confirming every drunk stereotype tonight."

„I wish I had pizza. Or a burger. I love burgers and pizza. They're full of grease and carbs and… bacon. I'd kill for bacon. We should go and grab a bite, don't you think?"

„I think we should stay put and not stumble along the streets of New York at night drunk."

„We can call an uber!"

„Or we could not."

„Yeah, we could not," Olivia says heavily and sighs, staring at the ceiling of her bedroom. „Is the room spinning or am I?"

„Do you realize that whenever we get together we get hammered? It's like we bring out the worst in each other in that regard," Carrie muses. „And I love it. I love getting drunk with you."

„That's because we're fun drunks. Mostly."

„Right. When you're not crying. I hate when you cry I never know what to do to make it better."

„That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me," Olivia says and threshes her head to the side to look at her best friend. „I just get so, so sad sometimes when I'm drunk. All those feelings just bubble to the surface and I can't help it, you know? I just… it's soooooo much. But you make me feel so loved."

„Aww. I love you," Carrie says. „Always will, homegirl."

„And I love it when you call me homegirl. It makes me feel so at home."

„Liv? I think we should try and get some sleep. It's like… three."

„I can't sleep," she mutters.

„How about you try?"

„Can you hug me? I'm a cuddly sleeper."

„Yeah, sure. Just don't puke on me."

„I'd never puke on you."

„How I wish that were true," Carrie sighs as Olivia puts her head not he blonde's chest and she starts stroking her hair.

„That only happened once and it were your shoes. I'd never puke on your body. I promise," Olivia mumbles sleepily and then chuckles once more. „That was funny though."

…

Olivia wakes from the sound of her phone ringing, groping for the device on her night stand where it usually is for the night. She groans and opens her eyes, trying to trace where the well-known sound is coming from.

„That's yours," Carrie mutters and turns around, blinking wearily.

„I know. Where is it?" She is tired but apart from that she has expected worse as she remembers her binge. Finally she locates the device under her thigh and without looking at the caller ID picks up, her voice rough.

„Benson."

„Hey." She falls back into the pillow at the sound of Tom's voice, thinking he must have feasted away the night no less than she has from the sound of it. „Are you up?"

Clearing her throat she allows her eyes to fall shut once more, just for a few seconds. „Yeah, I'm up," she lies, making an effort to sound awake. „Where are you?"

„I'm at the hospital. My Dad… it doesn't look good." In an instant she is wide awake and stone cold sober, switching from aftermath of her boozy night to rational, her heart sinking.

„What?" She sits up, trying to make sense of it despite the lack of information. Why is he telling her only now?

„He had a heart attack last night and went into cardiac arrest and an hour ago he had a seizure and I… I don't what to expect. They're running tests so we can't see him…" She can hear how he is trying to keep it together during his unemotional recount. Olivia clutches her hand to her chest and tries to think.

„Okay listen, erm… I'll be on my way. You send me the address of the hospital, I'll be there as soon as I can." She sees Carrie sit up as well, looking at her in confusion. „Is there anything you need? A change of clothes?"

„Yeah that would be good. I'm going to stay for a couple of days."

„Of course. I'll pack a bag." Luckily he has a few essential items at her place, it'll do for a couple of nights.

„Thank you," he breathes and the resignation in his voice is heartbreaking.

„Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you."

„I love you, too." His voice cracks and her eyes close as she's hurting for him. The line goes dead and she looks at a puzzled Carrie.

„Tom's father had a heart attack and seizure. It doesn't sound good," she explains and tries to come up with a quick plan for the next thirty minutes.

„Shit. I'm sorry to hear that."

„Yeah. I… I need to get ready and pack a bag, call Lucy… make arrangements for Noah for today."

„Look, my flight's only in the evening so technically I can take care of him until six, seven."

„Thanks but I'm not sure I'll be back by then. I'll figure something out." She has a heavy head but apart from that she is feeling okay, considering. She has felt worse after nights like this. She slips out of bed and grabs a fresh set of clothes and vanishes in the bathroom to take a quick shower and brush her teeth. She multi-tasks and assembles some essential toiletries for Tom; his toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant shower gel and a wash cloth. She throws in her own toothbrush just in case, unable to estimate if she'll need to stay. Who knew what ‚it doesn't look good' meant in this case. Olivia works quickly and mechanically, blowdrying her hair and only putting on some blush and mascara to cover up the telltale signs of a long night. In the other room she hears Carrie moving around and the background noise feels comforting. When she is ready she proceeds to putting some clothes into an overnight bag. Two t-shirts and fresh underwear and socks for Tom, one set of underwear and a sweater for herself in case she needs it. She stores the toiletries in the side pockets and perceives the aroma of fresh coffee from the kitchen. When she steps into the living area a mug of the steaming brew awaits her and the coffee table is cleaned up.

„Thanks," Olivia says gratefully accepting the help. She really needs the caffeine and sips carefully but quickly as she already dials Lucy to see what arrangements can be made for Noah. She explains the situation with a family emergency and luckily Lucy is free and tells Olivia not to worry about this, she's going to take care of it. Her mind is on overdrive, trying to figure out if there's something else she needs before she makes her way to Long Island.

„Calm down for a minute, Liv. Take a breath. A few minutes won't matter. Can you even drive?" They sure have had a lot to drink and only five to six hours of sleep.

„I'm fine," Olivia assures as Carrie fills a travel mug with steaming coffee and screws the lid back on top. „Coffee. Water," she says and grabs a bottle of water from Olivia's fridge. Her eyes scan the kitchen and she reaches for a banana in a fruit bowl.

„I'm not hungry."

„Eat," Carries orders strictly. „You were completely wasted no six hours ago. You eat and you hydrate before you leave."

„Carrie, I don't have time for this."

„Try me! You are not leaving unless I see you eat." Olivia scowls and finally puts down her mug and starts peeling the banana.

„Happy now?"

„As a matter of fact, yes."

….

The drive seems so much longer than the usual two hours, dragging on and on. Olivia makes a forced stop at a gas station to refuel and sends a text to let Tom know she'll be there in about forty minutes. She loads up on more caffeine, sure she is going to need it throughout the rest of the day. Regret comes crawling into the car with her because she has gotten drunk while Tom has spent the night worrying himself sick over his father's uncertain condition. She should have asked him where he was going. She should have been insistent about it. She had felt something was not quite right after all, hadn't she?

She turns the radio on for the fourth time because she can't take her thoughts running in circles for long. The music offers her some distraction and allows her to think clearly. There are arrangements to be made. For one she should call Fin and explain she is not going to come in for a day or two, depending on what is going to happen in the next couple of days. She doesn't have to be in court and there are no meetings she has to attend so she should be able to take a few personal days.

By the time she reaches the hospital it's 11:45 AM. Olivia grabs the small carry-on bag and studies the destination board at the entrance guiding her to the ICU. The latest text from Tom had come an hour ago, informing her that they could see him. She knows too well how slowly the mills are grinding.

Olivia recognizes the ICU waiting area instantly. There are four people sitting in the orange plastic chairs, all of them wearing the same mask of apprehension. There are empty drink containers on empty seats or on the floor next to people's feet. The odors of fast food is thick in the room. Olivia's footsteps create a dull sound on the linoleum floor and when she rounds the corner is can overlook the entire area. She spots the three Tetley's instantly. Rebecca's face flashes with recognition. Tom's head is cast downward as he cradles his head in his hands and Alice just stares at nothing in particular, not moving at all.

„Tom," Rebecca pipes up, the usually so strong and chipper quality of her voice undermined by exhaustion and fatigue. The man slowly perks his head up and the sheer hopelessness she reads in the face hits Olivia unexpectedly.

Tentatively she walks closer, her face tight as she watches her boyfriend's facade crumble at her sight. His jaw tightens, his lips quiver with the threat of tears that spring to his eyes. He gets up and walks towards her and the devastating news, whatever they are, hit her square in the gut as he shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

„I'm so sorry," Olivia says just above a whisper and wraps her one free arm around him and buries her face in his neck. He smells of a day-old cologne and sweat. His body trembles in her embrace. She doesn't know what to say. Not at all. She opens her eyes and glances over Tom's shoulder, seeing Rebecca crumbling, too, hitting her forehead with the heel of her hand as a single sob escapes her throat.

„He's…" Tom writhes in her arm and she locks it around him tight. There's no need to finish the sentence. There aren't even words to describe the cracking of Olivia's heart. She remembers this feeling too well that hits so suddenly and mercilessly. The helplessness when there's nothing to bargain for. She lets the words hang in the air until he speaks again after a long time.

„He had another seizure when we were in there. They said he had no brain stem function." He didn't understand half of what the doctor had said but he did know what _permanent loss of capacity for consciousness_ and _loss of all brain stem function_ meant. „They've turned off the ventilators."

„I am so sorry," she repeats with tear-filled eyes and reaches up to cup his cheek, feeling him lean into the gentle touch.

„My dad's dead," he croaks and shrugs, unable to comprehend the abrupt loss. „I don't even… I don't even know what we have to do now," he manages shakily, overwhelmed by the lack of knowledge concerning the next steps.

Rubbing his arms supportively her voice drops. „I can help with that."

„Okay," he exhales slowly and runs a hand through his hair, trying to keep himself together.

„Is there anything you're still waiting for? Because otherwise I think we should leave here. This is not a good place to mourn."

„They still have erm… a few personal items. His clothes."

„Alright. That's something you can pick up later, you don't need to wait for them to issue a receipt now. It usually helps when you call before, that'll speed up the process." Slowly she leads him back to where he sat, looking at Rebecca and Tom's mother. „Alice, Rebecca," she says. „I am so sorry for your loss."

…..

Olivia functions while Tom is in denial, repeating every few minutes that this can't be happening, that it can't be real. His defense mechanisms are operating at full stretch. She functions when Rebecca wonders what they could have done to prevent the heart attack and her father's subsequent death and bursts into tears for the third time. She functions while Alice seeks refuge in isolation, obviously numb to her emotions. All of it is normal, an expected reaction to loss and grief. Denial. Bargaining.

She makes coffee and tea. Rebecca clings to three-fingers of whisky, Tom nurses a beer. Alice isn't interested in any drink.

Walt, Rebecca's husband, stops by after she has informed him of her father's death and asks if Abby can stay with him for another night. He brings food from a nearby restaurant and despite the divorce proceedings and all the complications Olivia has heard about, the interaction from Walt is incredibly tender as he offers consolation to his estranged wife.

…..

„She's not talking," Tom says as he follows Olivia into the kitchen. „Why doesn't she say anything? Why doesn't she _do_ anything?"

„For the same reason Rebecca cries on and off," the brunette explains with gentle words, rubbing Tom's arms. „She's probably feeling numb. She'll be okay. She processes it different from you and Rebecca."

She can see him nodding but senses that he's wary.

„Look, I've made a list of things you'll have to take care of, maybe we can go over it?" It nears five in the afternoon and Olivia plans on talking to Lucy before deciding if she'll stay or drive back to the city tonight.

„Do we have to do this now?" She can feel his agitation and understands that it's the very last thing he wants to put up with.

„These things are important, honey. You only have a few days to get it done."

„He's been dead for six goddamn hours, Olivia," he hisses. „You don't think it can wait until tomorrow?" She holds up her hands defensively and takes a step back, seeing Tom retract. „I'm sorry," he breathes.

„I get it. You don't want to do this. But chances are I'm going to have to go back home tonight and I want you to have a basic idea of what needs to be done. If you don't want to go over it with me that's fine."

„That's not… I didn't mean to…"

„I know," she says. „You're angry. That's only natural. But don't take it out on me. I'm only trying to help."

He wipes his mouth with the inside of his hand and nods, deciding to sit down at the table to go over Olivia's notes. „Okay, hit me."

She sits down next to him and starts explaining to him that they need a certificate of death to register the death formally at the local registration office to get the documents needed for the funeral. „You should get a few extra death certificates, you'll need them to sort out your dad's affairs. It'll only cost you time and nerves when you notice they are certificates missing. As for the funeral you should start to arrange that immediately, tomorrow if possible. Your mom probably knows if there's a pre-paid funeral plan, that'd make things a lot easier. If there isn't make sure the funeral director lists all costs in his quote. If money is an issue compare costs, fees can vary a lot."

„Okay. Get death certificates, register his death with the registration office and start funeral arrangements," he repeats.

„Right. You'll have to report to various organisations and government departments. That can take up a lot of time, it's probably a good idea to take a day just for that, go over all your Dad's paperwork regarding finances, health care, insurance, cell phone plans, pension fund - you name it." It can be a lot. I can come up next weekend and we can sort through it together if you want. And if it's okay with your mother, of course."

Tom nods and Olivia grasps for his hand.

„I'm sorry I snapped at you."

„You're under a lot of stress, I understand it. But I'm not the enemy here, Tom."

„I know that. I'm glad you're here and that you are helping to sort this out. It's just… I don't know how to do all this. How do I even start to deal with this? Mom's hardly responsive, Becca's not keeping it together for more than an hour at a time…"

„Hey, listen to me," she says softly, looking at him. „You don't have to do this on your own. I'm here and I'm going to help you with the administrative part as much as I can. And you don't have to be strong for everyone else here. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to punch a hole - maybe don't take the wall but punch something. I know you feel lost and angry and you can't grasp it. And it'll stay like this for a little while. But I'm here and you can talk to me and you can rant."

„I'm so tired," he admits. It's nothing his bloodshot eyes haven't told her hours ago.

„So try to get some sleep," she whispers and attaches her lips to his in a soft kiss. „I'll be here for another hour or two, if not for the night. I'll talk to Lucy and see how things are going with Noah."

„I can't go to sleep now."

„Sure you can," she tells him. „You're no good anyone if you're running on empty. Go lay down. I'll wake you if I have to leave."

„Are you sure?"

„Positive," she says softly.

…


	64. Letting Go

She slowly pulls the knot of his tie up and smooths the soft black silken material down once more. „There you go."

„Thank you."

Olivia offers a small smile and puts on her pumps, quickly checking her appearance in the mirror. She is wearing a sophisticated sleeveless long black dress with a scoop neck and a black bolero. Her hair is open and straightened, the make-up very subtle. They have about an hour and a half left until the funeral and subsequent burial service.

Fourteen days have passed since Tom's father has passed away. Tom has spent three days at his mother's house to help with the arrangements. The following weekend Olivia has come back with him to help with the massive amounts of paperwork to report to all sorts of organizations and government departments. Tom and Alice had gone through all the folders while Olivia wrote a draft so only the addresses and personal data needed to be changed. They managed to get everything done in just one day; it was one less thing for Alice to worry about.

„Are you ready to go downstairs?"

Tom stands by the window and looks outside, both his hands shoved into his suit pockets. „I think I need a few more minutes," he says low-voiced. She understands this. He needs to prepare himself. It may have been fourteen days but Olivia knows it's still hard for him to comprehend. The past couple of weeks have been one big haze. Everything revolved around the funeral arrangements. Tom has made the trip to Long Island four times to help as much as he could. In some way she thinks it has been a protective bubble but it has taken a toll on their relationship. The more he had to do, the less he had to face up to his grief but the internal stress needed an outlet and for some reason that outlet was her.

„Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit?" She can hear saliva clicking in his throat as he swallows.

„Would you mind?"

„Of course not." Her heels echo dully on the carpeted floor as she walks over toward the door. She exits quietly, giving him the space he obviously needs now. Space had become constant between them.

There are two large tables Alice leased for the gathering after the funeral. Family members, friends and neighbors will bring food. There are three big coffee dispensers and about thirty coffee cups on a tray, water, different juices and glasses. With the warm weather they have decided to put bar tables outside for people socialize.

Alice comes from the kitchen with a stack of plates and Olivia walks over, taking them from her. „Let me help you with that."

„Oh, thank you honey. There's still so much to do." The woman's voice is exhaustion and confusion as she tries to go through what all needs to be done, her mind tripping. There is a lot left to do. The bar tables have only been delivered this morning and Alice has gotten up at three to bake rolls and two pies for the buffet.

„Why don't you go and get ready, I'll take care of the dishware and table cloths for outside." Olivia is grateful for something to do and Alice shouldn't work herself raw. The woman must have aged ten years in the past couple of weeks. The older woman is hesitant but finally nods, probably because she too is aware that they have to leave within twenty to twenty-five minutes. After all they should be the first people arriving at the church. Olivia gets to work, assembling the table with dishware and silverware. Finally she puts used bowls and different kitchen utensils from the sink into the dishwasher.

When Tom steps into the kitchen she turns around and offers him a smile, hoping it can give him some sense of comfort. With every passing minute her boyfriend is nearing the final goodbye to his father and Olivia knows it is all getting to him.

„Do we have to leave yet?"

„Another few. Mom's still in the bathroom."

„Okay. I'll just put the cloths on the tables outside." She takes the stack of white linens as his voice catches her attention.

„Liv I…" Turning towards him she shows him she is listening. „I don't hink I've said thank you yet. For everything you do…" She has been an immense help explaining bureaucratic procedures and lending a hand when it came to organizing the funeral and gathering. There is nothing she hasn't done and she helped without anyone asking. She had stepped up in moments he hadn't been in the right headspace to make a decision. Or when he didn't care about the flower choices - white lilies or cream roses; or maybe white hydrangea? He didn't even know what white hydrangeas looked like. And because he hadn't wanted to snub his mother and leave the brunt of decisions to her alone he couldn't say that he really didn't give a damn what funeral pieces she'd choose. So he had asked Olivia who had told him a composition of white Lilies and cream Roses would sure look beautiful. Or choosing a casket. How on earth could choosing a casket be so hard? Who knew there were so many options? Tom sure has had no idea and Alice had been no less overwhelmed. Cedar, oak, poplar, mahogany or pine? Or would they prefer a metal casket? Before his father's death he would have said just pick whatever - the main point is that there is a casket, who cares about the materials and the different characteristics? But it is a big deal and no easy decision at all. So when they took home the catalogue and he couldn't make up his mind about anything at all, he had discussed it over the phone with Olivia and even sent her pictures and he valued her opinion and taste. Ultimately he had gone with what she had thought was best because he simply did not know with the wide choice. Lastly she is incredibly patient with him. He's muddle headed and absent most of the time and there are moments when he's overwhelmed, angry and insensitive towards her and while she doesn't just take it she also never gets overly upset. He knows he's been an asshole a couple of times. He also knows she is way too forgiving.

He sees her face light up with a small smile as she nods. „That's alright," she assures softly.

„No, it's not. It's not…," he fumbles for words and sighs. „I want you to know that I don't take any of it for granted. I haven't been easy since Dad passed and I'm sorry that I've been difficult and said some things. I didn't mean them," he tries his best apology when words come so hard to him. Slowly she puts the table cloths back down and walks over to him. It has been difficult. He either had shut her out or overreacted, it felt like there was no in between. Mostly she had adjusted by giving him his space. She hadn't called and let him come to her instead. And she had stopped to give advise unasked. The words ‚it's okay' are on the tip of her tongue but she doesn't speak them. It's not okay. It hadn't been okay for him to blow up to her when she had asked a simple question, that most of the time her need to connect with him on some level had been met with rejection on his part. But she understood it. She understood shutting oneself off to get through the day at all. Work through the pain alone, don't burden anyone else. She has done it her entire life after all.

„I know you are hurting," she offers instead and when she stands in front of him she thinks twice about touching him, wondering if this time it would be welcome.

He sucks in a shaky breath and lets his forehead fall against hers. His hand snakes around her waist to her lower back. „I'm sorry. I'll be better. I promise I'll be better." When his voice cracks her eyes close.

„Okay," comes her whisper. She hopes that with the funeral Tom will find some closure, that he'll finally be able to process and mourn the sudden loss of his father. For the past week she has even shielded Noah from Tom, unwilling to take the risk that her son could witness her boyfriend's moods. It is temporary she tells herself. Over and over.

„I should have been more grateful and I don't even know why… half of the time I don't even know who I am anymore." That feeling she knows. This she can relate to and she is glad he is finally opening up at all and tries to tell her how he feels.

„It's the stress and the grief." He had taken three personal days and then had to go back to work. With all the driving back and forth between the city and his hometown, the funeral arrangements and his grief it is no wonder he got lost in the middle. He has had no time to take a breath and focus on what he needed. There had been no time for self-care and he hadn't let her watch out for his needs either. „I love you," she whispers. „And we're going to get through this but it'll be easier when you talk to me. I don't want to go on like this."

When he nods and exhales shakily Olivia wraps her arms around him and when he does the same and holds her tight her heart fills and hums.

„I'm in over my head." The admission is heavy between them although it is not news to Olivia. Of course he feels that way. And of course she had noticed. But as much as she had tried to support him in this difficult time, there's only so much she could do when he hadn't let her in.

„You'll be okay." With a gentle touch she combs her fingers through his hair. „It takes time. You've been on autopilot for those past two weeks going back and forth between here and New York, all the paperwork and funeral arrangements - it _is_ very stressful. But today is about honoring your dad and saying goodbye to him so you just focus on that, okay? Not on what happened between us, not the stress, not anything else.

When he sniffles she rubs his back and tightens her hug, then presses her lips against his in a soft close-mouthed kiss. She misses him. Of course they have seen each other but his distant behavior had kept them miles apart in her head. „We should get ready," Olivia whispers. „I think it's time." They release each other and he nods, wiping a lone tear away.

The table cloths remain where they are. Olivia decides she'll finish up when they get back. They will have a window of about an hour upon their return and it's going to be four or five sets of hands.

As they step back into the living room Alice is descending the stairs slowly in a black women's suit and a beige blouse. She looks beautiful and elegant as much as her eyes give away her deep grief. It's strange to Olivia to think that she herself has been alone for the majority of her life, how used she has gotten to loss while Alice has had someone by her side for her entire adult life, had kids grow up in this home - and that now she would be all alone in this big house. Tom is certainly worried about it, wondering how is mother is going to deal all alone. While his dad wasn't in very good health and was no longer able to help too much around the house he had at least kept his wife company. What do you do when everything breaks away?

„We probably need to go," Alice announces and Olivia nods in agreement.

„I'll drive," the brunette offers. There is no objection from Tom or Alice.

The drive is more animated than Olivia anticipated. Alice talks about a couple of relatives they haven't seen in a decade and from the sound of it nobody was too torn up over it. Tom even laughed once, something she hadn't heard in too long. Only when Olivia pulls into one of the parking lots in front of the church and the adjacent cemetery the mood shifts again. Suddenly nobody says anything anymore. She spots Rebecca's car and as Olivia turns off the engine she looks over at Tom. „Ready?"

„No," he says. „But that's not going to change anything, is it?" It's not. What is to come is unstoppable. The funeral and the subsequent and absolut acceptance of death. The tranquility after the stressful weeks of arranging a funeral and getting all affairs in order. Time to actually mourn the loss that still feel unreal.

Olivia's lips form a thin line as she reaches over and rubs his thigh. „Let's not keep Rebecca waiting."

…..

The entire funeral and burial had been beautifully executed from start to finish. Olivia had stood with Tom, their fingers laced together the entire time at the graveside. Rebecca had given a wonderful eulogy in her father's honor. Alice and three out of four Tetley kids had laughed. And they had cried.

Tom, to the surprise of everyone but Rebecca, had played a self-composed song following his sister's eulogy at the church, a simple composition of only four chords consisting only of verses. He played it on the piano at the small church instead of his guitar and Olivia had been surprised because he had never told her he could play the instrument as well although he didn't seem at home with it like he did with his guitars.

Back at the house when the last arrangements for the gathering are made Olivia realizes she has met many of Tom's relatives without the usual nervousness. It hadn't been about her meeting people. Being introduced to them as Tom's girlfriend of one year had felt like a very natural progression. Everybody was nice and welcoming and at the same time no-one really cared about her all that much. She is pleased to finally have met Tom's brothers and their partners seeing they are close family that she will very likely meet again for bigger festivities like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

She doesn't have much time to think because like Alice she is hands on about everything. She puts the rolls in small baskets, she puts butter on a dish and brings a small selection of alcoholic beverages out on the table. They brew coffee and tee alongside each other in comfortable silence and fill up the dispensers.

„It was a very nice funeral," Olivia says after a long while.

„It was," Alice agrees with a small smile. „I had my doubts about it, in my head it wasn't coming together like it did."

„I know the feeling. When my mother passed I was on my own when it came to… well everything." Everything had been on her shoulders and it had been a very tough time. And although the funeral had been nice it has had a very different feel to it. Maybe because there hadn't been many people in attendance. An estranged aunt from the mid-west, a few co-workers and friends. Maybe two handfuls of people. I had been sad to think that so few people cared about Serena's passing.

„I am so grateful for all you have… well are helping with when you really didn't have to. And he may not be saying it but so is Thomas. He's…."

„It's hard on him. And he did say it," Olivia quickly assures, hearing worry in the older woman's voice.

„I heard him on the phone with you last week and I just want you to know that that's not him." Probably _that_ conversation. The one where he had insulted her and asked her not to act like a royal bitch when she had told him she missed him and hoped they would see each other before the funeral when it hadn't looked like they would. It had hurt and had come out of the blue for her because Alice is right, it is nothing like him.

„Alice, you really don't have to worry about any of that. We're good and we'll talk about it when things settle down for him. And I'm gladly helping. I wouldn't know what else to do other than boil water for tea for thirty minutes straight," she attempts a joke and surprisingly Alice laughs.

„Those are big dispensers."

„We'll need them with as many people that you expect for the gathering." Tom had mentioned that the entire neighborhood would likely stop by and that didn't include family, friends, former co-workers and such. The Tetley home was one of many in this street. At first it had sounded like the gathering would be held at an external location but Olivia thinks that money might have been an issue, evaded by hosting it at home potluck style. „It's nice you know? To know that he was a part of the life of so many people. That he was cared about and loved."

„Before he started struggling with his health issues, the arthritis mostly, he has been very involved with the entire neighborhood and this community," Alice explains proudly, reminiscing. „People help each other out around here. And even when he started struggling friends invited him over to talk or play cards or to watch a game several times a week. They always said he can't get rusty and they were right. It did a world of good for him to still be an active part around the neighborhood."

„That sounds so great, having a support system like that? People who care. I'd say you rarely find that in the city, at least not in the neighborhood. Everyone just focuses on themselves. I don't know the first thing about my neighbors." Another kettle of water is ready and Olivia carefully pours it into the dispenser. White for tea, black for coffee.

„It was quite surprising when Tom told us he was moving to the city. He grew up here and lived here his entire life up until he was thirty-three and he loves it, to have a community. He has worked with gay teens at the community center for a couple of years because of how hard it was for his brother after he had come out. And he left such a big circle of friends behind that he hardly sees anymore."

„I guess sometimes when things get really rough people need change. Not all people but Tom obviously needed a change of scenery. After a bad breakup those advantages of a small-town and a tight-knit community can feel overwhelming." He had once mentioned that at the time he just needed to get away and start fresh. „You miss having him around, huh?"

Alice looks over at Olivia, her face clouding. „In a way he is my baby still. With boys you'll see… it's different. And he'd never openly admit to it but he is a mama's boy." This made Olivia smile. The man loves his mother with everything he has, Olivia knows this much. „I wish I'd see him more. At first he came by more often. When he had just moved but the more he's built a life for himself in New York…"

Olivia nods. She knows he has visited more often before they had gotten together. Tom's focus has shifted when they had started dating, she had been one more thing in his life.

„We always thought the move was temporary. Just to put some distance and space between him and Sarah. And now I see he's not going to come back because he found what he needs with you. And I'm so happy for him and I'm more grateful for you than you will ever know but I'm really feeling sorry for myself," she admits. The sting Olivia feels when she sees the older woman's eyes glisten with tears is something she has not seen coming. In a way this might be her fault. The chances of Tom moving back, especially now that his father has passed and his mother will be alone, would have been much greater if it wasn't for her and guilt stirs within Olivia. She doesn't even know what to say.

„I'm silly."

„No. No, Alice, you're not at all silly. I get it." Just thinking that Noah might move away from her one day is more than she can take. She knows kids grow up and they start living their own life but thinking she might only see him a few times a year is scary.

„When he still lived here this was home. He was always part of this home although he had his own place. And now it feels like he's only visiting. He comes for Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas and he tries to do birthdays but… it's a bit of a trip."

„Yeah, it's a trip," Olivia agrees and clears her throat softly. „Look Alice… we'll try to visit more. I'll try and make more time to make that happen and it's out of the question that Tom would love that. And I know he came by more often before we got together. My job is… unfortunately it doesn't have set hours but I know that I have to learn to prioritize which isn't always easy for me because for a very long time all I had was the job. I didn't have to maintain a good work-life balance but I do now. And I do want to work on that and I think now more than ever it is important for us to be here. And I really want that too because it is good for Noah it is really good for me to get away from the city and just breathe and focus on what's important in my personal life." To think she is in a way responsible that Tom has to choose between spending a weekend with her or his family makes her feel selfish. Of course she has never asked him not to go see them but she hasn't exactly encouraged it, either. Maybe she should have. But then her weeks are always long and especially before Noah got involved they have only had the weekends to see each other and she feels they both had wanted to make the most of it. She has never looked at it any other way.

„Oh honey, I really didn't mean to suggest you have to come here more often. I would love that of course but I didn't say this to force something on either of you. I understand you are both busy people."

„But you do have a point. I know he's not coming here as much and that has a lot to do with me and my job and the one on one time we're trying to make especially on weekends. But I'm positive that we can make it work to come up here maybe once a month." Olivia smiles and with it gives a promise. Establishing a routine is possible and in Olivia's eyes even desirable. She gets to be a more active part of this family - she and Noah both.

„It sure would be a lot less lonely," Alice says, voice thick with the future burden of loneliness.

Olivia is silents, unable to put what she is feeling into words. She knows loneliness too well. It is why she has always thrown herself into work, after all. Before Brian she never really had someone to come home to. Living alone her entire life had made those first couple of months hard. Having him stay over at her place has had a different quality to it. It had been temporary. But living together means sacrifice and consideration for your partner. The place had never been totally quiet, except when Brian hadn't been home. He had been a bit messy and unorganized, always left the toothpaste open, never rinsed the lavatory after shaving. She is pretty sure he had never once cleaned the toilet in their months of living together. And then there were the good things. That sometimes he had made her breakfast or coffee, that she cuddled up to him on the couch dozing off in his arms as he had watched a game on the TV. And knowing she was no longer alone, that it had no longer been just her and nobody who loved her. Truly loved her.

She knows loneliness so suffocating it made her want to scream. It made her want to drink and stifle the pain that emptiness in her heart caused. Sometimes she had called Elliot up and asked him if he wanted to come over or meet at the bar for drinks but being a family man more times than not he had apologetically told her no. She is pretty sure Kathy would have flipped if he had spent his free time with her on top of the all-consuming work hours that already put a strain on the Stabler marriage. When he did come over or they went out she is pretty sure he had dished the wife some excuse about working late.

When it had become too much, that loneliness, she went to the gym, hitting the treadmill for all it was worth. And when everything else failed and thoughts crept into her mind how she would always be alone in this life, that she'd die an old lonely lady, she had gone out on her own, out on the prowl picking the first willing guy to take home. She had used them and let them use her for one night of reckless fun - always protected of course, the only safety her gun in the drawer of her nightstand. And for a little while uninhibited sex with a stranger had made her feel alive and cared for, however primal it had been. At least for as long as she had been fucking a face she'd never see again she hadn't been alone. She had been together. And for a few short hours she had been someone's sole focus and they loved her in the best way they could.

When nobody had been there to give her affection she went out and found it. She took it. It had never made her feel complete but at least she hadn't felt undervalued, rejected and unloved. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. Real intimacy hadn't been granted her. Not before Tom. If anything she had and probably still has some profound intimacy issues that hold her back to be completely open with him.

The end always justifies the means.

She got so lost in thought that she physically jumps as Alice rubs her arm gently.

„I'm sorry dear, I didn't mean to startle you."

„No, I'm sorry. I just… I was just thinking," Olivia offered with a tight smile. Yes, she does know loneliness. Did. Things have changed. They are better than ever for her. She has traded loneliness for company, solitude for love. Someone loves her and she loves back. Hard.

….

The entire main floor and the backyard is filled with people. Neighbors, friends, relatives. Everyone there to honor the late William Tetley. Olivia switches between greeting people and being introduced to basically every single soul that hasn't yet met her and helping Alice and Rebecca with restocking the beverages and making rounds collecting used dishes and cleaning them. People keep pouring in for three hours and there is little time for the three woman to mingle. So far Olivia didn't even get to taste the food because there is always _something_ that she feels like she can't ignore. Just as she is carrying a tray of champagne flutes back to the kitchen Rebecca stops her, holding her by the upper arm, the red-heads voice dropping so people wouldn't hear.

„Just a friendly heads-up because things might get awkward - Tom's ex is here and it seems she's chatting him up," she says and Olivia looks around, her eyes finding Tom who is talking to a… bombshell. There is no other word for what she is seeing as a blonde, taller than him which means taller than her, smiles a perfect smiles and puts her hand on Tom's lower arm. Deep within an other version of herself snaps ‚Get your hands off of him'. The brunette swallows, her heart races. The ex looks ravishing. Very. With straight, perfect hair, hair tips swirling around her shoulders and an elegant black dress with short sleeves. She is perfectly slim and looks young and vibrant and everything Olivia is not. How did Tom go from that to… her?

„She's…"

„Yeah," Rebecca simply said, not needing to hear it. „If you're not ready to be introduced I suggest you run," the other woman whispers as she leans in close. For a few second Olivia stands and stares, her heart in her mouth. For as many times she has felt inadequate as the woman by Tom's side because of her age, her body, her wrinkles nothing could have prepared her for the hit her ego took the very second she laid eyes on Sarah.

…..

If he hadn't expected one thing to happen it was for Sarah to show up here. Or that he would feel so torn about it. While one half of him thought the woman had some nerve to show up here the other is touched that she made the time. She had been an integral part of this family for seven years after all and she had certainly liked his parents. Is it selfish of him to resent that she wants to express her condolences? The first minute of talking to her had been awkward but he has eased into the conversation. Sarah had always been capable of that. No matter who she talked to, she made them feel important and comfortable. He hates that he isn't immune to it, not even after all these years.

She had walked up to him and had told him how deeply sorry she is for his loss and then she had, without further ado, hugged him. It was so confusing that he hadn't even known how to react so he let it happen.

„So are you here alone or…" Momentarily his eyes scan his surroundings, looking out for the man he so deeply despises.

„Oh, no. We're no longer… we split a little while ago."

„I'm sorry to hear that." The response comes automatically. It is what people say after all, isn't it?

„No you're not," Sarah smiles knowingly.

„I'm not," he admits. He doesn't want to know and yet he does. „So, what happened…?"

„Well, long story short I got a taste of my own medicine I think you could say. He found someone else." Tom thought that hearing these words would cause him a feeling of deepest satisfaction. However, they don't. Maybe because for as angry as he used to be, he has let it go.

„That's… erm… I'm sorry you had to experience that."

This time she doesn't object. Maybe she feels he is sincere. For all the times he wished the pest upon them both he thinks nobody should ever be cheated on. The pain, the feeling of betrayal - it's like nothing else.

„Thanks. So, are you alone? Here?" Are you single is what she really wants to ask.

„No actually. I've been in a relationship for a year now. She's got to be here somewhere spreading herself thin so everything runs smoothly." Speaking of which, he hasn't seen Olivia in half an hour or if he has she has been rushing past him with something in her hands.

„I had no idea. The guys never said anything." It seems the revelation has knocked her off balance, if only a little. So she is still in touch with their former circle of friends. On the rare occasion he saw his friends from here anymore talking about Sarah is a big no no. And he figures this shows they honored his request to not tell her things about his life should she ever ask. In his opinion she no longer had a right to be privy to what was going on his personal life, at least not through third parties.

„Probably because they haven't met her. We're not here much with work and everything."

„Right. How's that going. You're teaching still, right?"

„Yeah. Yeah, it's good. I'm at a private school in Manhattan. Have been ever since I moved."

„That sounds amazing," she smiles softly and touches his arm in a friendly manner. „I'm so happy for you." For a moment he lets the touch sink in and they look at each other silently for long seconds before he clears his throat. When he looks past her he sees Olivia slipping past a few guest and upstairs, deciding that this conversation is over. He doesn't want Sarah to meet Olivia, he doesn't want to introduce them. There is no need for the women to meet. He knows he wouldn't want to run into one of her exes and make for an awkward situation.

„Thanks, Sarah. It… It was good to see you." In a way it was. He had been sure he has made his peace with the past but now, after meeting her again after all these years, he knows for sure. The magic is gone. Sarah is attractive and beautiful and deep down he knows she is a kind person despite what she has put him through five years ago. But that pull he has felt towards her back then, the way he has loved her so fiercely - none of that is left anymore. Now he is deeper in love than he thought was humanly possible. He has Olivia and Noah and the only thing he wants is to build a life with them. Sarah is his past. Sarah was his first real love and he looks back on seven years spent together fondly. But she is not his present and not his future and he doesn't want her to be part of either. The blonde seems a little thrown when he excuses himself so suddenly and then walks past her, leaving her standing alone in a room full of people she has once known and her face falls.

….

Cool air meets Olivia's face as she fans herself with her hands as she sits on the toilet lid. Out of every uncomfortable situation her mind could possibly conjure the very worst happens. His ex shows up. Why on earth would… Okay, it is a stupid and needless question. She has ties to this family. When someone you were close to dies you show up. And she obviously has guts showing up to pay her respects after cheating on Tom for a long, long time.

A few times Olivia has tried to imagine his ex. What she might look like. And all of the versions of Sarah had nothing to do with reality. The woman is drop-dead gorgeous. ‚ _No wonder he's taken two years to even move on from her',_ Olivia thinks. She can never compare to a woman like this. Once again her self-doubt is rearing its ugly head, wondering what Tom possibly sees in her.

Pulling her phone from her back pocket she leans forward. Besides making it easier to move around in her black slacks and a blouse the outfit change also allowed for her to carry her phone. Tapping her foot against the tiles she goes through her contacts and dials up Carrie. She isn't much for girl talk but if a situation has ever called for it, it is this one because someone's about to go sheer crazy otherwise. The longer the phone rings, the more nervous Olivia gets, anxiously waiting for her best friend to pick up the phone. Finally, just when Olivia is about to hang up, she hears the other woman's voice in her ear.

„Hey homegirl, how did it go?"

„It still goes," she says quickly. „The ex is here."

„Oh."

„Yes, oh. And she's… Carrie, she's gorgeous," she whispers as if saying it out loud will only solidify that fact.

„Alright. So are you."

„Oh no, no. She's like drop-dead gorgeous and tall," she starts and gets interrupted.

„You are tall."

„Not that tall. She's tall tall. She is…. giraffe tall and I'm not even kidding. She looks like Karlie Kloss has aged ten years and aged very naturally and gracefully and beautifully. She's perfection on two long legs."

„Who's Karlie Kloss?"

„A supermodel with very long legs."

„You know supermodels? I mean beyond Naomi and… okay, I don't think I know another super model. Oh, Claudia Schiffer."

„Sometimes I read Vogue instead of the Times, okay. Could you hear me out here?"

„Alright. Sorry."

„She really is… I don't know how to feel about this. Her being here and her looking like that, I mean it makes me wonder what he sees in me because I am nothing like her. She's young and beautiful and sexy…"

„And a big ol' cheater."

„That doesn't make her _look_ any less beautiful," she sighs and drops her head. „He was talking to her and she was smiling and putting her hands on him… I mean, he's seen her and what he is going to go to bed with tonight is me. And trust me I'd rather go to bed with her than with me."

„Liv, would you relax and just do what everyone else would do? Hate her with a passion, go down there and be all over your man but not in a desperate way but in a that _I'm incredibly kind and supportive and very much in love with this stud_ kind of way. Mark your territory, make sure she sees it."

Olivia remains silent for a little while and then exhales shakily. This whole thing is really fucking with her head and confidence. „I don't even wanna go back down there. I don't… want her to see me or for anyone who knows her to see her and then me because…"

„Are you crying? You're not gonna start crying on me, Jesus Liv…"

„I'm not crying I'm just feeling really, really anxious."

„This is not you."

„I know this is not me. I'm not… Okay I think I might be crying in a bit…"

„Olivia, what is going on?"

„I don't know." And she doesn't. She really doesn't know what has gotten into her. She is jealous, that much she knows. She is scared. „Maybe now that he's seen her he'll realize…"

„Oh no, hell no. Honey, that guy is crazy in love with you, okay. You strung him along for months and the second you came back he was all in, okay? You don't do that if it's just a crush or just anyone. And I've seen the way he was looking at you that night and do I wish Martin would still look at me like that without me having to try really hard to knock him off his socks. Stop worrying yourself sick. So she's gorgeous. But she's also the ex for a reason, isn't she?"

„I guess," Olivia admits and blows out a lungful of breath.

„And it's you he's doing on bathroom cabinets until they break…"

She laughs through a sheen of tears. „It only semi broke."

„Not the point. The point is you are with him. She isn't. And whether she looks awful or like a goddess? Not gonna change anything, honey. You are going to stand by his side and whenever he's ready you're gonna pounce him and fuck him seven ways to Sunday." The words come with an easiness as if the blonde is talking about the weather, making Olivia sigh.

„You know what, I really wanna say you are super inconsiderate with my feelings but I really needed to hear that."

„Good. Anyway, how's it going?"

„It was a beautiful funeral and this entire house is full of people, you can't even imagine."

„Tom holding up okay?"

„Yeah, I think some weight has been lifted off his shoulder with the burial. The past week has been… I don't even know. I hope we can erase it and start fresh tomorrow. He's really taken it hard."

„See, so he needs you more than ever. Give it a few weeks."

„I know," Olivia sighs and stands up, checking her appearance in the mirror, almost jumping out of her skin when she hears the knock on the door followed by Tom calling out her name.

„`livia? You in there?"

„Jesus," she mumbles. „I have to go." With that she hangs up and tries to pull herself together. „Yes, just a second." She carefully wipes under her eyes and slides her phone back into her jeans pocket before she walks and unlocks the door, seeing him standing there as she opens it. „Hey," she breathes.

„Hey. I was wondering where you went," he says. He had heard her talk through the door but the words had been muffled and he could only make out a few. He hadn't wanted to eavesdrop but he couldn't walk away either.

„Small bladder," she tries with a crooked smile. „Are you okay?"

He nods and leans against the doorway. „Better than this morning. It's nice to see so many people show up for Dad and remember him with us."

„It really is. And it shows that he's been a good man."

„Look, my ex is here and I don't it makes any sense for you to meet her because it's awkward maybe." She breathes a sigh of relief because he's honest with her and wants to keep her from that encounter. „She said she's just briefly stopping by so I thought we could just catch a break in our room."

„Oh. Okay." She's playing dumb but can see in his eyes he won't be betrayed. He already knows the reason of her escape from downstairs and likely he hasn't only been standing in front of this door for five seconds.

„Come on."

He takes her hand and tugs at it. She follows. In Tom's childhood bedroom he kisses her forehead and then leads her to the bed. On the bed-cover is the page written with the song he sang at church earlier. She sits down and unfolds it, reading over the words she had heard a few hours ago, scanning each one consciously.

„This is beautiful, you know?"

 _C Am Em G_

 _I was four years old when you showed me the ocean_

 _I was five when you taught me to swim_

 _I remember us driving we talked the whole night through_

 _It's been too long - I just don't understand_

 _Fourteen days and fifteen nights that I've been without you_

 _I pretend you talk to me in the dark_

 _And in a million years I didn't think I'd ever lose you_

 _Honestly I never thought I'd be this hard_

 _I have a good heart and I'm a seeker for truth_

 _Now I realize it all leads back to you_

 _I met a good woman you whispered to me: „Son she's beautiful"_

 _My heart may be broken but she'll make it whole_

 _At 76 years it comes to the close_

 _Now God takes you back and I suppose_

 _You'll watch from above as we try move on_

 _But you're never too far away now that you left for the sun…_

He comes to sit next to her, the mattress dipping under his bodyweight. He looks at the paper she is holding in her hands and sees his own handwriting, thinking back to the day he first brought Olivia here for Easter. „You know he really did say that. That you're beautiful. In those exact words, too. And then some."

„He did?"

„Of course. You heard Rebecca today, our father is…was a wise man. He knew a good thing when he saw it." Smiling hesitantly he puts his hand on her thigh, his thumb stroking over the material of her pants.

She gazes at the writing silently before she folds it again and puts it on the bedside table. „I saw you talking to her."

„I thought so."

„She's…" Words fail her. How do you even describe someone who looks so flawless?

„She's irrelevant," Tom completes and takes Olivia's hand.

The sound she makes through her nose is half scoff, half chuckle. „Please, do you wanna tell me she isn't attractive and gorgeous and sexy times a million?"

He looks at over at his girlfriend and can feel the insecurities radiating off of her. He could lie to her. Or he can be honest. „You're right, she's all of that. And smart, funny, kind. But when I look at her… nothing happens, Olivia," he says softly. „And to get back to someone who's gorgeous and sexy as sin and also smart and funny and dedicated and kind and humble times a million? That's you. And when I look at you _everything_ happens. So she to me, to us? Is completely irrelevant. I am right where I want to be and I believe I am right where I belong." His hand moves up to cup her face and when her gaze drops and her eyes close he kisses the tip of Olivia's nose.

She wants to believe him but has her doubts. Not that he loves her. She knows he loves her or else he wouldn't have put up with her stupid worries every step of the way. But compared to Sarah she feel inferior.

„I'm nothing like her," she mutters and her voice cracks under the weight of the words.

„God, I wouldn't want you to be," he breathes and presses his lips to her temple. „You know how you sound? Like you did that night when you asked me to meet you at the Park and then I took you to my place to talk? That's that night all over again. All the same insecurities that I thought you got over. I don't know why you can't see yourself the way I see you."

She shrugs and feels bare-naked. „I don't know," she whispers. „Aging is hard. Ten years ago I looked…"

„I've seen pictures. And yes, your body has changed but not in a bad way, Olivia. It's just different. And I know it's not my place to tell you how to feel but I don't see anything wrong with you."

„I know you always that," she says weakly.

„And I mean it. I love your body. And I love you."

„I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin when I was twenty pounds lighter. Once I hit forty-four, forty-five I just gained weight and it was so hard to drop it and eventually I just stopped trying, I guess."

„And why not? Women shouldn't obsess over their weight. You have a balanced diet, you're healthy. That's what matters." His arm snakes around her and pulls her in.

„Hmph."

„Not convinced, are you?"

„Nope."

„Why am I not surprised," he sighs and shakes his head. At least it makes her laugh, however shy.

….

End notes: At this point I'm struggling with a decision I have to make. There's an idea that's been floating in my mind for a long time now and I always intended to turn it into an original story as it deals with a severe issue regarding someone's health. I thought of incorporating it into this story last night and I just don't know if I should go there and have Olivia face something so terrible.

Anyway, before anything drastic is about to happen (if it ever even will) we'll face some nice things. And a bad thing that's really going to test Tom's patience and understanding when it comes to Olivia. Reviews are life. See you next chapter. I'll try to update once a week or so.


	65. One Year

The evening news of a local TV channel are on as Tom works his way around Olivia's kitchen. A pot of bolognese sauce simmers on the stove, has for three hours now. He comes to a halt and scans the iPad with the recipe for the fresh pasta. He has never made spaghetti from scratch but the recipe suggests it's easy enough. Sift the flour. He looks around a little lost, sure he has never seen a sifter in her household. Checking the cabinets he comes to the conclusion that since Olivia doesn't bake, she probably doesn't have one. The flour goes on the work surface and following the instructions he makes a well in the center. A segment on the evening news ends and when Tom hear's the anchor say Olivia's name he quickly glances up.

„With us today is Lieutenant Olivia Benson from Manhattan's Special Victims Unit who has talked to us before about Backpage and then, in 2017 she said, and I quote „It is an epidemic and a mystery to me how you can order a child as young as twelve years old to - let me be very blunt here - rape on the internet as easily as you can order a pizza." Lieutenant Benson, first of all thank you for coming here to talk with us." A smile settles on Tom's lips as he sees her sitting in a black leather chair, legs crossed, an expression of confidence on her face as she is being introduced.

„Thanks for having me." Her smile is tight and she is one hundred percent professional. She looks good in a beige blouse and a soft pink blazer, not a choice she wears often. Olivia had told him about the gig last week that had been taped this afternoon. Although he knows she was reluctant to go and give an interview on sex trafficking on the local news she doesn't let it show. Her hair falls around her face in perfect soft curls and her make-up is a bit heavier than what he is used to. Keeping his eyes cast on the TV set in her living room (he has a perfect view from her kitchen counter) his right hand fumbles for the egg.

„Lieutenant Benson could you, for our viewers who haven't yet heard of Backpage, explain how the company operated?"

„Sure. Backpage dot com, up until last year, was a website such as Craiglist where individuals could place ads, your usual place for online advertising. Backpage had an adult section that was frequently used to advertise sexual services like escort work. However Backpage also was used by criminals to promote and facilitate human trafficking in a highly profitable way - we are talking innocent women and even children here. They failed and downright refused to do anything to stop it for years and hid behind Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act claiming they couldn't influence what their customers put online and thus couldn't be held responsible." Her voice is all business as the facts come in quick succession. Tom cracks the egg and puts the contents in the well he has made in the flour. Quickly scanning the counter he reaches for the salt and adds a few pinches.

„You say ordering a child, a teenager for sex was as easy as ordering a pizza through Backpage."

„Well, personally I wouldn't call it sex, it is rape, it is child abuse." Inwardly Tom smiles to himself about the no nonsense attitude his girlfriend his displaying and is immensely proud of her. The subject she discusses however is dark and heavy, making him feel tense. „But yes, it was that easy. You'd see an ad with pictures of a minor in compromising poses and positions, barely clothed, and all that needed to be done is to place a call. That's a highly lucrative business path compared to sending girls onto the streets."

„Quick and easy."

„Quick and easy," Olivia agrees. „Full exposure."

Oil is added, the last ingredient, before Tom starts to mix the mixture with his fingers. It's a moist and sticky business at first but gradually the dough thickens.

„This is something that happened in the US for years but very few people seemed to be aware of it. I certainly thought if something like this is possible it certainly is on the dark net."

„It's a lack of education for sure. But how are people supposed to know? It's crazy that you can put an ad online to sell your lawn furniture and you're two clicks away from sex trafficking and human trafficking. It started to unravel slowly when parents found pictures of their missing children online being sold for sex. And that is too late. That awareness that children are taken and trafficked right under our noses, openly on the internet, should be there before it happens for both parents and teenagers."

„You think prevention is key."

„I think prevention is one of the most important factors. There is a lot of personal grooming and cyber grooming involved in theses crimes especially with teenage girls and it is easy for the perps. Basically every teenager has constant access to a computer or a web-enabled phone and we live in the age of social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr." Olivia on the screen uses her fingers as she lists the different social media outlets. "And our children use it and unfortunately many of them don't filter. We've come across girls who after two days of chatting with someone they didn't know, never met, gave away their address including their full name. We have teenagers who post pictures that give their exact location away. So, teenagers have to be made aware that there are real dangers that come with social media exposure."

A firm dough forms under Tom's hands as he's kneading relentlessly for three minutes, glad his hands have something to do as he listens to his girlfriend discuss matters that she deals with on her job on a daily basis and has for two decades. The things she is talking about aren't news to him but then he's been with a cop working sexually based crimes for a year. She educates him and she is passionate and opinionated about it.

„We already had a chat backstage and you said that Backpage may be off the internet but it doesn't solve the actual problem."

„It solves the problem of Backpage facilitating sex and human trafficking but now that it's offline those same crimes are happening, children are missing and the pimps are going to find other resources. Certainly it has been a big and sudden hit they have taken a few months ago but we already see an increase in online advertising in code and emojis that state _pictures upon request_ and we can assume that the amount of street work has also increased. It's a bit of a double-edged sword. We are relieved Backpage is offline and its CEO and executives have been charged with conspiracy to facilitate prostitution but at the same time it gets harder for us to pin down the sources of these crimes and find the victims. The criminals adjust and we will have to adjust with them. It's a fight we have to keep fighting to make the distribution as hard as possible and hopefully in time less profitable for the criminals."

„What do you suggest people do?"

„Get educated. Teachers, social workers, parents, community members even teenagers should get educated. There are workshops and professional trainings and I think at least every school should have one spokesperson on these matters because being informed can save lives. It is not enough to tell our children to be careful because we are worried something could happen to them because it is too far away and they can't even comprehend what kind of dangers there are. As much as we want to protect them I think it is important to be very clear with them about the dangers. They should learn what grooming is and what the current trends in recruitment, grooming and entrapment are and how to recognize the signs. They should hear about case studies and survivor stories because that is what makes it more relatable to them."

„Thank you so much for you visit Lieutenant Benson," the anchor nods at her and then faces the camera again, speaking to the audience. „For more information on sex trafficking awareness and prevention please visit our website www…"

Shifting his focus Tom looks at the pasta dough that feels and looks like it's done. He covers the ball in saran wrap and puts it in the fridge to cool. Tom washes his hands before he turns off the TV and decides he should probably get ready. It's after six and he expects Olivia home within the hour. Since his father had passed four weeks ago things haven't been easy. He's getting there with the whole acceptance thing. Slowly. Since the funeral things are slightly better between them but they haven't spend much time together. Last weekend he had spent with his mother and although Olivia would have loved to come she was on call and stayed in the city. And all of last week she has been pretty wrapped up with a case, always home late. He had seen her on Tuesday, had spent the night after she had only come home around eleven at night but left at five in the morning. They had made plans for their anniversary on the following day. Of course shit had hit the fan at work and she had canceled on him in the afternoon, telling him she was expecting to pull an all-nighter. While he had been looking forward to seeing her he hadn't been too torn up about it because he already has had a feeling her mind, like on Tuesday, would be elsewhere. This morning at school Olivia had told him the case was solved and for the first time this week he had a feeling she could finally breathe. And so could he. This evening hadn't been planned. When Lucy had picked Noah up from school today it had hit him that he wanted a proper celebration of their first year together and so he had explained to the sitter and without needing to ask she had read his mind and offered she could take Noah for the night and would make sure not to mention anything to Olivia. He had even managed to get out of the staff meeting today, spending his time after school grocery shopping before he showed up at the Benson apartment around three and started to get to work. Lucy hat put together some essentials for the night and Noah had helped Tom chop a few fresh tomatoes as he finely diced onions, celery, garlic and carrots. By four o'clock Noah had left with Lucy and Tom has had ample time to plan the rest of the evening, aiming to give Olivia something she thoroughly deserved after those tumultuous weeks with him - relaxation. And good food.

It's no secret that Olivia loves Italian food so he had decided on a salad with garlic bread to start, pasta and sauce bolognese for the main course and panna cotta with strawberry puree (that is already in the fridge) for dessert. There's that tiny part of him that's worried she could be a little upset instead of positively surprised because he has taken the liberty to make arrangements with Lucy without consulting with her. The entire thing could backfire but he hopes she will see what he intended to do by creating a space tonight where it's just the two of them. They haven't had that in a little over four weeks. This morning, when she had told him they had solved the case, he had realized how much he misses her. Even when they had been together since his Dad's passing and the subsequent funeral there had been a distance there while he still adjusted and eventually allowed himself to grief. They haven't had sex once during that time, which isn't the worst part. The worst part is, that there has been little physical proximity. That had been his fault. He had kept her at arm's length, always worried that if he broke down he wouldn't be able to pick himself back up, and he hadn't wanted her to witness that. It needed to change. He needed to change it because it hadn't been for a lack of Olivia trying. It had been him who stonewalled every attempt of hers to get closer to him.

He decides it's time for a shower. On his way to the bathroom he takes in his work in the bedroom once more. It's corny as fuck what he did, straight out of a chick flick probably but it's nice on the eyes if nothing strips and starts to think, deciding that maybe before dinner she deserves to unwind a little, too. His phone vibrates and he checks it quickly, seeing it's a text from Lucy stating Olivia will be home in twenty. Bless that nanny he thinks and hurries. The shower is quick, three minutes max before he puts on a fresh set of clothes. All intentions to shave his five o'clock shadow are out the window now that he's running out of time. He cleans up after himself and works quickly to put his last minute idea into action. He fills the tub and scans the different bottles in her bathroom, deciding on lavender bath salts. He adds the recommended amount to the hot water and spreads seven tea lights around the edge of the tub and lights them. While the water still runs he fills a glass of red wine for her and puts it there, too. It's perfect he thinks. She can unwind from her day while he figures out the pasta machine, one of the many kitchen appliances his mother has given him and Sarah over time, and finishes with the spaghetti. He realizes it's only ten minutes left and puts on some music, picking one of her records. It's a surprisingly good fit seeing it's Eros Ramazotti. Italian and romantic. He turns down the volume to where it's perfect, loud enough to be heard but not too loud to engage in conversation. Now that she is about to arrive any minute Tom lights all the candles. There are tea lights lining the breakfast bar separating the living area from the kitchen area, a few on the coffee table, three pillar candles on the dining table that is set, napkins and all. Quickly he puts the salad bowl and garlic bread on the dining table, deciding it looks better like this. Glancing around he exhales a breath he hadn't been aware of holding. Only now he takes notices of the nervous energy radiating off of him. After a year of being together it is a peculiar feeling to be this jittery. It is due to the circumstances. The past weeks have been rough on their relationship. On the day of the funeral Tom had told Olivia he would be better, that he wants to be better and he did make an effort. He had done the best he could at the time. But now he needs to get his act together and he wants to get it together and be there for her again, be a reliable partner aware of what she needs and more than that be what their relationship needs to thrive. He wipes his palms on his grey chino pants and decides he might as well put the pasta machine together. It beats standing stupidly in a candle lit room. On his way over he draws the curtains of the living room, leaving two hand's width of space open to allow some daylight in. It feels right this way and supports the romantic setting he is going for. Behind the kitchen counter he looks at the instructions for the pasta machine. Rebecca has used it once years ago when she had come to visit. It is easy enough and within a minute he is ready to go. In that instant he hears the key slide into the lock. His heart pounds fast. Olivia's sweet voice filters past the door before she even opens it fully.

„Hey Lucy sorry for the…" The words die as she sees Tom instead of her sitter and Noah. Her gaze wanders, takes in her surroundings. Her living room is tidy like it hasn't been in a week or two, no toys or books scattered all over the floor and table. Instead the room is lit up by candles and the dining table shows a picture that might as well be from a fancy restaurant. The aroma of garlic, rosemary and basil is thick in the room, making her stomach growl, reminding her that she hadn't eaten more than a granola bar for lunch. The combination of it all knocks the breath right out of her because this isn't unlike Tom but with the way things are since Bill died it is completely unexpected. Her dark brown eyes settle back on Tom as he greets her almost shyly.

„Hi."

„Hi," she breathes and very slowly closes the door behind her and sets down her purse. The initial shock has not yet worn off but she smiles, chuckles because she needs a moment to process. He walks around the counter and steps towards her and the corners of her mouth tip up further with her smile.

„What is this?" She meets him halfway and instantly attaches her lips to his, slowly and carefully almost expecting him to pull back. He doesn't. Instead his arms easily slip around her waist and he claims her lips just as slowly, as if this moment could be broken otherwise. God, he did miss this.

„Well," he starts and they are nose to nose, breathing each other in. „It has been a year and I don't think it should go by without us acknowledging and celebrating it appropriately. Also I think I've got some things to make up for."

Her palms cups his face, his stubble prickling against her skin. She really, really appreciates this. „You didn't have to do this," she mumbles and gently nips at his lips again.

„Yes, I did," he disagrees while her hand drops to his neck. „From here on out I want to move forward. With you. Speaking of you… you were fantastic earlier."

„You watched it?"

„Of course I watched it." As if that was even up for debate. That perfect smile makes her face split in two and her thumb brushes along the contour of Tom's chin.

„And Noah?"

„Is with Lucy. I know it's probably not my place to change your arrangements with her but…" Lips silence him in an instant, showing him that she doesn't mind. As much as she loves her son and has tried to make it on time to have dinner with him and give him his bath for the night she sees how right now it is important to nourish her relationship. She hopes the kiss stifles any doubt and worry for him on the matter, especially as it goes from timid to claiming. Within the past minute they have had more mouth on mouth contact than in the past four weeks combined and it's healing, like a remedy on her bruised heart. As much effort as she had put into not taking any of his behavior and the emotional distant personal it had hurt that he didn't let her in or turned her down when she had tried to initiate intimacy. When he breaks away she feels disappointment settle in her stomach, clogging up her throat but he catches her off guard when he gives her one more peck and then speaks.

„I've got finish dinner and you, I am sure, could take thirty to unwind." A boyish smile appears, it almost looks like he's conspiring with someone. He takes her hand gently pulls her with him, making her move. The bedroom catches her sight and her eyes widen.

„Tom…" It is the sweetest thing. Pink rose petals are scattered on the white bedspread. On the nightstand she sees a sparkling wine cooler and two champagne glasses and a small bowl of chocolate coated strawberries as well as a couple of small bottles she can't identify. He really went all out tonight.

„This is not where we're headed," he says and keeps walking toward the bathroom. She can't seem to catch a break from smiling as she sees he has run her a scented bath and poured her a glass of wine. A few of the rose petals swim on the surface of the water and tea lights flicker, illuminating her windowless bathroom just enough.

It feels like she is in a daze, the good kind, with all of these things he has carefully prepared. His lips press against her temple and she inhales the scent of lavender, allowing her eyes to slip close. Her idea of tonight had been a quick dinner with her son followed by bath time and a bedtime story that likely would have led to her dozing off with Noah in his bed. The week has been hell and this makes up for everything.

„You might want to stay in your bathrobe afterwards," he winks and her eyes widen.

„For dinner?"

„Why not?" Right. Why not.

„Are you going to have dinner in a bathrobe?" She challenges him.

„If I had one here," he shrugs.

„In my bathrobe. You're serious?"

„It's up to you but it will certainly make things easier later on." There's a twinkle in her eye and she grins.

„Is that so?"

„That is so," he mutters right against her ear and arousal catches her like fire. She groans softly and his hands get a hold of her pink jacket, helping her out of it. „Get in the tub," he instructs. „I'll let you know when the food is about ready."

He steps away and that burning desire she feels coils around her and then deflates suddenly. „Hmph," she protests as walks around her and towards the bedroom. She glances at the tub and decides to follow his orders. She could really use a bath. And a glass of wine.

It is comforting that he's taking the initiative with this. She understands the past few weeks have been very hard on him but she came to a point where she felt a little desperate. This is what she needs to remind herself that they are good, that they can overcome this hurdle. She strips and throws her worn clothes in the hamper, her nipples stiffening as the air of the room caresses them. Olivia sticks one foot into the water and hisses at the temperature. Hot, just the way she likes it. It takes her about a minute until she sinks fully into the tub, allowing the hot water to encase her body. Sighing she closes her eyes for a few seconds, letting go of this day and this week. Maybe she can even let go of the past few weeks. The door is just a few inches ajar and she can her Tom work in the kitchen and indulges in the wine, her favorite, and thoughts of what tonight might bring. A smile settles on her lips again. She doesn't know how much time has passed when she hears his footsteps. Opening her eyes the light filters in from the bedroom and he enters and makes himself comfortable on the edge of the tub.

„You alright there?"

„Hmmhh," she hums, her eyes glazed with the fatigue the relaxation brings with it.

„That's good then. You want a few more minutes?" The pasta is ready to go in the water, which he'll take care of after the salad.

A lopsided smile settles on her lips as she reaches for his hand and holds it, a trail of water running down her arm. The water gently surges around her breasts and she sits up and kisses his knuckles. „Come in," she whispers. She wants to feel him. His body against hers, no barriers. He chuckles and seems to consider it when he strokes her moist cheeks.

„I don't think there's enough space for the both of us." It's not an excuse. He thinks taking a bath together is great but this tub is narrow and they are both tall people.

„We'll make space," she mutters when he moves in to quell her disappointment with a kiss. His hand slips town to her breast, his thumb flicking across her erect nipple and she hisses at the unexpected contact. Desire burns deep in her stomach and her body shakes with the intensity of it.

„Please, please come in," she whines. She misses him terribly, his skin on hers, his kiss, his touch. The way he knows her body so well. The way he manipulates it every which way.

„Shhh," he hushes and laughs softly when she actually pouts. The face she makes reminds him an awful lot of Noah when the boy doesn't get his way. „Tell you what, how about you come out and we'll have dinner?"

„Not what I want." She's insistent, he has got to give her that. But he's following a plan here and he doesn't want to shoot it all to hell by joining her in the tub and twisting their bodies into some sort of position that allows them to have sex. Because that's exactly how it would go.

„We don't always get what we want honey," he reminds her and gets up, hearing her scoff when her plan fails. Just as he is about to step outside a towel hits him square in the back and she giggles like a little kid. He rolls his eyes and hears the water splash as she rises, ready to step out of the tub.

…..

Because she's ready to play nice she walks into her living area in her bathrobe, her cheeks pink from her hot bath. Her face is now free of any make-up, her wavy hair showing a bit of a frizz from the humidity in the bathroom. When he steps up to her he pulls her into him. She's perfectly relaxed. Also she is perfectly horny and almost flinches when his warm breath tickles her ear as he speaks.

„Sorry about the bathroom, trust me if that tub were any bigger…" He lets it hang and knows it does things to her because she squirms against him. That bathrobe is so tempting because all he would have to do is open the knot that sits around her middle. He doesn't, though. Dinner first. His lips connect with that spot right beneath her ear before he guides her to the dining table and pulls her chair.

„Thank you," she says softly and takes in what is on the table. A salad and homemade garlic bread. The aroma of the grilled bread is mouthwatering and again her stomach growls. Tom fills her plate with salad and offers her the walnut oil-balsamic dressing. She pours some over the greens, making out pine nuts, dried tomatoes and prosciutto. He pours her a glass of wine and smiles as she inspects what is on her plate.

„This looks so good," she praises and watches as he fills his own plate before he sits down across from her. Tom smiles and looks the most content Olivia has seen him in four weeks.

„Let's hope it doesn't just look good."

Olivia picks up her fork and folds in the dressing with the salad before she takes a bite, her eyes closing. „Oh my God," she hums. It is just a salad, it shouldn't blow her mind and yet it does. It's nutty and sweet and Olivia thinks she can taste the sun when she bites down on a piece of dried tomato. The dressing is a perfect balance of sweetness and the acidic vinegar. When she opens her eyes she realizes he's scrutinizing her, grinning to himself. „What?"

„Nothing," he says, his tone amused. „Just know that sound is all," he teases and she knows exactly what he's hinting at. She's holding his eye and licks her lip before she shrugs and digs in again.

Despite Tom's protest Olivia helps him to put the salad and the dishes away. She is completely awed because he has made pasta from scratch for her. The fact that she's got herself a man who can cook up a storm makes him even sexier to her. Of course he has cooked for her before and they have cooked quite a few times together but this has such a different quality to it because Tom is going all out. For her. To make good on his word that he wants to do better. She is thankful to Lucy that she made this possible because God knows they booth need this. While the pasta is cooking Olivia tells Tom about her day and how things had gone at the taping of the newscast. Essentially she had been very nervous and even more uncomfortable because she hadn't wanted to be featured on the local news to begin with, Dodds had made her, thinking a woman would get the message across better than a man could. Also she had been sweating like a pig underneath her blouse and blazer because several spotlights were on them the entire time. Tom subsequently fills her in on his day and it's so comforting to talk about something so mundane because at last they are talking in a relaxed atmosphere. And for the first time in weeks it also feels like Thomas is really interested in what she has to say and doesn't just listen by courtesy.

The pasta is done within minutes and Tom drains it and quickly puts it on the plates as long as it is hot. He tops the spaghetti with sauce bolognese and freshly grated parmesan, then carries the meal over to the table. During their main course they really catch up about their week, not just covering the basics. For Olivia that meant a race against the clock, too many calls, a couple of all-nighters and a slap on the wrist by Dodds when they hadn't seen a break in the case soon enough. For Tom it had been filled with worry about his mother, listlessness when it came to work and that feeling of not getting it together when he should. Olivia appreciates his honesty and reaches for his hand, assuring him it is normal and that he would be okay. He takes that and smiles and squeezes her hand and tells her that he is glad that she is here with him tonight.

The food, the soft music playing in the background and Tom's company are soothing. Olivia hadn't been aware of how much she needed a night like this. It's been way too long since they have truly connected - not just as lovers, also as people, as partners. At the thought she swallows harshly. Everything had felt so out of control lately and if Olivia hates one thing it's lack of control.

Tom senses the shift in the atmosphere and gazes at Olivia for a long time, waiting until their eyes meet across the dinner table. He has put them through a lot lately and there is little he can say to make it right. At the same time he understands it's not entirely his fault. Someone died. His _father_ died.

„Olivia, I," he pauses and tries to find the courage and the right words. „In hindsight I wish I could've talked to you about how I felt… feel. It's hard because half of the time I don't even know and we got so caught up in everything," he breathes out and his gaze wavers for a second. „I've thought about everything. A lot. And I don't want my father's death to overshadow our relationship any longer. That's never what I wanted. I just needed to get my shit together and I think for the most part I have now." He has his doubts when he hears his own words but knows for sure that this rut he's in needs to stop.

When she nods it contradicts how on the inside she loses her composure. Things have been better than before the funeral but that doesn't mean they have been good. It's hard for her to put her finger on what exactly it is that hurts so much. It's not that when she had cuddled up to him and started to kiss him and pushed her hands in his pants to try and relief his stress he had turned her down. He had even been polite about it and she is not someone who questions a no. Maybe it's that feeling of disconnect. Their lives had continued on with work, with Noah, and yet somehow they hadn't. Everything had been in limbo and she couldn't tell left from right. The worst had probably been feeling so helpless. She has that savior syndrome and no matter how hard she had tried, she couldn't save Tom from his pain and she couldn't make him confide in her either. He had kept most of his pain to himself and that had been so unlike him. As much as she fights the tears they well up and she quickly averts her gaze. It's so stupid for her to cry over this, she thinks.

„Liv…" His voice cracks and this is not one of the things he has seen coming. Olivia doesn't cry easily and to know that his behavior of late is the cause might just be the reality check he needed. „I'm so sorry," he says thickly and gets up, walking to her side of the table. He hugs her from behind, putting his lips on top on her head. „I'm so sorry, I know I said it before but I promise…"

„It's not that," she chokes out. Or maybe it is. She doesn't know. It's been a long, hard week with too little sleep and her defense walls are at the level of her ankles. Tears roll down her cheeks, past her nose and the more she wants them to stop the more keep coming so she stops fighting it and exhales shakily.

„Then what is it?" He prods gently and she wipes her hand across her face.

„I've just missed you." The pampering today is almost too much. The bath, the dinner, him being affectionate after weeks of avoiding her proximity.

The simple admission shreds him to pieces. It's too much, all of it. He should have seen it. Seen her. Instead his focus had been everywhere but. His feelings concerning the loss of his father are complicated but so are hers. She's not just a piece standing by and watching she's a crucial person to his life, the most important at this point. If he would have had a better handle on his feelings he would have seen this. That she simply missed him. And he could have been there. He could have been available. He had shut down instead. He hadn't meant to, of course but what the hell did it matter?

„I've missed you, too." The emotion between them is raw. He pulls one of the free chairs a little closer and sits down so he can actually see her face, the moisture still clinging to her cheeks that are a healthy color of pink. He grasps for her hands and holds them, deciding to repeat his words so they hopefully sink in. „I've missed you, too."

His forehead falls forward, gently thudding against Olivia's. „Look, I'mma pull my head out of my ass, okay?"

She chuckles at the choice of words, then snivels. Because she doesn't quite trust her voice she nods.

„And tonight it's gonna be just the two of us." He doesn't even care if something would happen tonight, it really isn't his goal for them to reconnect sexually. He simply wants to reconnect in whichever way feels right for Olivia.

„Okay." It's just a whisper.

„And if I'm allowed I'd love to spend all weekend. If you don't already have plans…"

„I'd really like that." He tries, she thinks. He tries and somehow that is everything she needs.

Tom's hand is in her hair then and he manages to lift her head enough to capture her lips. She tastes like wine and bolognese sauce. It's a slow kiss, almost lazy and when he releases her lips again they rest like this for a long time, neither of them willing to move and break this moment. Eventually Olivia stirs and lifts her head. Their eyes meet and hers are no longer swimming with tears. Slowly she makes a smile appear.

„Do you want dessert?"

„Are we talking about actual dessert or… _dessert?_ " Her voice drops a little as she stresses the word the second time and he chuckles and runs a hand through his hair.

„Well, if you're asking like that." Jesus, he really should stick to his plan. When she bites her bottom lip however and he sees it catch between her perfect white teeth he almost comes undone. Is has been a hell of a long time. He thinks that if things look like they will progress in that direction he maybe should relief himself in the bathroom before they get to it or else he's going to embarrass himself and go down in history as thirty second man, God willing. Then again it's not like they couldn't go at it again. „But seeing that I've already made the panna cotta," he drawls and is grateful that she chuckles and that the mood is shifting towards a better place.

….

He takes her to the bedroom by the time they have finished dessert and after all these weeks he finally feels that pull between them come to life again. It's almost impossible for him to keep his lips and hands off of her. The room is warm and inviting and so is her body and the surge of comfort he finds in her. He should have known. All this time when he had been flailing he should have known that he'd find what he needs in her. Instead he had shut her out. The material of the white bathrobe is soft and his fingers are playing with the belt, slowly untying the knot that keeps the piece of clothing together and her body hidden from his view. Her perfect, luxuries, curvy body. Her hands are quick as they settle on the buckle of his belt and he allows it because his pants will be too tight anyway. Her bathrobe falls open to both sides and she's nude except for a pair of panties. Before he knows it their kiss turns to fire and desire and their breathing echos heavily around them. Olivia pulls down his pants and takes his boxers right along with them, baring his ass and rock hard dick at once. That is not the plan, he reminds himself. While his head is spinning he tries to get himself together. He has that inner conflict between wanting to stop her because he has something else in mind and not wanting to risk that she feels rejected again. His hand fists in her hair and he exposes her neck to him, to his awaiting mouth, tasting her on that spots that always makes her squirm and moan. Her reaction is imminent and he smiles to himself. But then it all spirals when she wraps her hand around his cock and squeezes and strokes and Jesus fucking Christ he wants to slam his hand down on something it feels so good.

„Fuck…," he seethes as he succumbs to lust and gets so hard that it borders on physically painful. The robe slides down her shoulders and gets caught where her fist connects to his manhood. She lets go for just a moment and somewhere in the back of his mind the thought forms that he should stop this but then she's on him again and she is fucking nude and he's… weak. Too damned weak and it's been too long because since that night of her twenty year anniversary with SVU he hadn't even touched himself. She manipulates him with skill and he curses underneath his breath once more. He devours her neck and shoulder like some kind of animal that hasn't eaten in a while as she pumps him with too little pressure to get him there but enough to get him all riled up for her. When his hand drops from her hair to her hips and he looks down between them the entire situation changes and for a moment he can hardly handle the possibility of her… He swallows so hard he swears he can hear it echo loud and clear as she sinks down and is on her knees. She looks at him and he can't even read her. There he stands, pants around his ankles, his t-shirt still on, looking down at her, her eyes almost black with something he can't put his finger on. There is arousal but also something beyond that, something that reminds him of a scared deer.

„Don't touch my head," she tells him and momentarily he is confused if he heard right.

„What?"

„Just don't touch my head," she repeats and it isn't playful but not forceful either. It confuses the hell out of him but he nods and he swears not a second later he feels her tongue connecting with his shaft, licking the entire underside of him.

„Okay," he breathes out shakily, and it's half confirmation of what she asked him not to do and half realization of what she is doing. Then he feels the sensation of wetness and warmth encasing the tip of him and he looks down and it's too much to comprehend when he sees her sliding him further into her mouth. He is grateful for the boxspring behind him and leans against it, his hands fisting the bedspread because otherwise… otherwise. Her mouth is velvet and suction and Tom can't even tell if it's sensation of her tongue and mouth working around him or the view of her head slowly bobbing back and forth on him that's doing him in. For as many times as he had imagined Olivia going down on him when he jacked himself off on nights spent alone in his own cold bed he has to admit the reality is overpowering and it's not just _what_ she does but _that_ she does it at all.

When his arousal is about to peak he tries to contain himself and not thrust into that beautiful mouth of hers like a prick, not when this is the first time and they haven't set the boundaries for what is okay with her but God, it's hard. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut and his fists have a death grip on the bedspread. He tries himself at a calming mantra but with every swirl of her tongue and each squeeze of her fist on him she chases it away. His spine tingles and it's so fucking intense he thinks he might throw up but God is it pleasurable. There's a lack of oxygen and his heart races. He is going to come and come hard.

…..

Olivia wants this. She hadn't realized it until she had made the decision to drop to her knees but she wants this - the level of intimacy that comes with giving oral sex. Wants it with Tom because she trusts him with her body and with her demons although he doesn't know about them yet. The possibility of it had been ghosting in her mind for a while now but she realizes it hadn't happened because it hadn't felt right then. It does now. And this time around she is better prepared than when she had done this with Brian. This time around she knows what triggers her, that touching her head and the physical encouragement that comes with it is a no go.

A small part deep within herself is proud that she can do this and enjoy herself while doing it. That she can do it so freely. It all has to do with Tom. He has never asked her for it. He has never even brought up the fact that in a year she has never made a move to do it which shows it isn't expected from her. There has never been any pressure from his side.

If she'd allow herself to think back to the time she was with Brian, somewhere around the time they have been sleeping together for a couple of months, she'd remember that the situation had been very different. There hadn't been pressure but the clear expectation. She'd remember that when she had kissed a path from his chest to his stomach, all the way down to the waistband of his boxers his hand had taken a hold of her head and he had uttered words of arousal that had ended the night. _„Yeah baby, put it in your mouth."_

He hadn't meant to ruin it for her, of course. He had thought it was what she intended to do and for a little while she had questioned herself, wondering if she had led him on, if when she isn't willing to follow through, she shouldn't get anywhere near his dick with her head. She'd remember that while he had never once pressured her when she had told him a half assed excuse about needing more trust than that, she had felt the pressure, even though it was all in her head.

Olivia is nervous because it has been a while and she really wants Tom to like it. She wants to make him feel as good as he makes her feel when he does this for her. The little insecurity she has felt at the start wears off from what she hears. His entire body is rigid and tense as she moves her mouth over him and manipulates him with her hand simultaneously. When he groans it's guttural and deeply satisfying for her because she seems to be doing something right. She isn't nearly as explorative as she wishes she could be but knows it's something that takes time. What it is however is empowering. She feels good about being able to make him feel like this, coax those moans from him. She can feel how hard it his for him to hold back by the way his legs shake.

„Uhnnnh." He hits the bed with his palm and with her mouth full of him she manages half a smile and he looks down at her then, his brow knit and his mouth open. His hip jerks a little and she can see how he forces himself to restrain himself. „Olivia," he says through his teeth. „I need you to… I'm going to come."

He needs her to stop is what he is saying and she considers it. The thing is she has a bit of a love-hate relationship with semen. She doesn't mind the taste or to swallow really, but she hates when some of it spills on her face. She dislikes the warm, sticky texture of it on her skin more than anything else. The further down on her body, the more tolerable it is for her. It's not rational it just is what it is. When he says her name again, his voice is a warning and she knows she has to make a decision. Instead of letting up on him she makes sure to slide him a little deeper into her mouth. „OLI…"

And then he comes and to know that she got him there so easily is a gratifying feeling. She almost wants to give herself a pat on the back. Her man's desire for her spills into her mouth in spurts and it's more than she expected, the amount accumulating on her tongue. She releases him carefully and there is another small spurt that hits her cleavage and she quickly wipes it away with her hand. She's really not a fan. She wants to swallow the warm liquid but her throat clogs as she realizes it's too much and she isn't going to get it down. She'd rather spit it out before ruining it for Tom by starting to retch and try to make it go down somehow. Olivia clears her throat softly and tries to be as graceful as she can about it when she reaches for the bathrobe and empties her mouth's content in the material and wipes her lips clean.

Tom pants above her and when she stands back up his hand instantly gets lost in her hair, something he had a very hard time to stop himself from doing. He doesn't understand it but he won't question it right now. If it is important to her then the least he can do is honor her request to keep his hands away from her head.

„God woman," he chuckles, feeling ten pounds lighter. He caresses her face and kisses her, tasting the faint traces of himself on her lips. She nestles against his body instantly and feels safe with him, not regretting a thing.

„I love you," she tells him and again his lips claim hers in the softest, most gentle manner anybody has ever used to kiss her.

„My turn," he whispers to her. „Lie down. On your stomach," he instructs and she's a little confused but does as he says. He takes off his pants but pulls up his underwear, then pulls off his t-shirt before he finally joins Olivia on the bed. She turns her head, looking at him expectantly when he settles down near her head.

„Just relax," he tells her and then both of his hands are in Olivia's hair and his fingertips gently start to massage her scalp using firm circular motions going from where her hairline meets her forehead to the back of her head.

This Olivia hadn't expected but God does it feel good.

„Feels good?"

„Yes," she breathes, her eyes closing as his hands coax relaxation from her in a way he never had before. And such an innocent way at that. His voice is gentle and calming in itself.

„If something feels uncomfortable you tell me."

„Okay," she breathes as his fingers work their way back up. He repeats this a few times before he spreads some scented oil from the tray onto his fingers and moves onto her shoulder area. Gently Olivia feels him squeeze the muscle at the base of her neck and the urge to groan skyrockets. When he moves his hands outward toward her shoulders she can't keep it in. It feels incredible and she can already feel some of the tension leaving her body. Putting his hands on either side of her shoulder Olivia feels Tom roll his hands forward and backward repeatedly, applying some pressure and increasing it after a few repeats.

„God, this feels so good," she mutters. The last time she has gotten a proper massage must have been four or five years ago, not from a partner though. By the time Tom works his magic at the muscles around her spine, using his thumbs she's pudding beneath his fingers and moans every now and then because it feels fantastic. She hasn't felt so relaxed in ages and he's still at it, sucking the tension out of her aching body with every passing minute.

Tom is taking his time and Olivia can tell. Although she has no idea how long it has been when he reaches her lower back nothing about this feels rushed. He applies some more oil and the scent is rich and heavy. Olivia's eyes have been closed the entire time and she thinks she might nod off when he moves on to massage her hand, pressing his thumbs firmly into her palm. He uses long and smooth strokes to work his way up her arms until he reaches her shoulders and she gets a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. He repeats it on her left side, her body perfectly limp at this point.

Taking the small bottle of oil with him he scoots down on he bed to pay attention to Olivia's feet and the moment he's pressing his thumbs into the arches and the ball of her right foot Olivia reacts with a staccato moan. Her feet usually hurt like hell at the end of the day. His touch is like a piece of heaven.

„More pressure," she mutters, her voice washed out. When Tom applies more pressure she moans through her nose. He works her feet and her legs, her calves first, then her thighs, his fingertips stretching out all the way to her buttocks. It's incredibly intimate and incredibly arousing in that area. Eventually Tom's hands fan out across her buttocks and he stops, not wanting to overstep. „Is this okay with you?"

Her heart starts racing and she is not entirely sure what he's asking but he clarifies.

„Can I take that off?" Her panties.

„Uh-huh," she agrees softly and his fingers hooking in her underwear sends a jolt of pleasure down her spine. In an instant she feels herself get wet. Very. She feels how he slides the piece of clothing down her legs, inch by inch, until he pulls it off completely. Her eyes remain closed and the mattress dips underneath his weight as he shifts back to the position he had taken before. His warm hands are on the small of her back, gently kneading her muscles and rolling towards her buttocks. He applies barely any pressure at first and tests the waters, waits for her reaction. It feels incredible and she hums, encouraging him to keep going. Before long he's massaging her ass fully and it's ridiculous how turned on Olivia is by it. Minutes pass by and kneading and rolling fingertips become stroking hands that search a path from her butt to her thighs and back up again. She squirms when Tom's mouth starts caressing her behind, soft lips in crass contrast to the sensation of his five o'clock shadow against her sensitive skin. She moans and arches into him as his hands keep exploring her slowly, taking his sweet time. The entire mood shifts within a second and suddenly the heat in the room is thick. In the wake of Tom's touch goosebumps are born, covering Olivia's legs and arms and every other body part to be honest. He nips at the perfect skin on her round buttocks, then runs his tongue over the exact spot and gets a groan in return. Her skin is the smoothest thing he's touched in a human body yet and that natural tan drives him crazy. When she gasps softly his lower half stirs fully awake. His every move is deliberate now, his body ignited. His hand runs down her inner thigh and inches upwards until he palms her hot mound. The moisture he is met with makes his dick jump in response.

„You're so fucking wet," he mutters and drops open mouthed kisses up her spine. Olivia squirms beneath his touch and pushes herself against him as far as her position allows.

What the hell has he been on that for four weeks he hadn't wasted a thought on touching her? When the feel of her body makes everything else fade away until only they exist? His hand slides back down the inside of her thigh and she protests, squeezing her legs together. He chuckles against the olive complexion of her back.

„Don't you dare stop," she warns him. She is bare and exposed and she is damned well going to make the most of it. Olivia can only imagine his cocky grin as she eases up and opens her thighs for him to touch her. When his hand meets her again she oozes for him.

„Turn around, I want to see you." Also it's easier access. She groans, not liking this because she is so, so comfortable but after a moment she complies. When their gazes meet she burns with desire for him and there are so many things she wants to say.

„You're so fucking beautiful," Tom tells her and she can see in his face, in the way his eyes rake over her body that he means it. She sits up and puts her mouth on his. Within seconds it's a wild give and take of lips and tongues and the urgency settles in between them. It's been too damned long.

Two fingers are stretching her, pushing all the way up into her as she sits and with a jolt he pulls her hips against his giving hand and she cries out. It feels so good. So good. He finds a steady rhythm in her soaked heat, her juices allowing him to slide back and forth so easily. The way she sits in front of him with her legs spread wide is almost too much. Inside his underwear Tom's erection rages. He needs to get inside her. But for now he is watching her pleasure, the way her head is tilted back and her eyes are closed. She doesn't make a sound and that's driving him sheer crazy. Between her thighs she spasms and he keeps stroking her inside, watching his fingers vanish between those slick, lust coated folds. Her walls grip him and she moans, finally letting go and he loves every bit of it.

When she's done he spreads her out beneath him and licks her oversensitive core clean. She bucks against him and then his tongue is all over the place, starting to trace an imaginary ABC. Olivia shakes and writhes and he gets to G when she cries out and pushes his head against her heat and rides his face in a way she hasn't before. It's a little hard to breath but he'll be damned if this isn't the most erotic thing she has ever done to him. She gasps so hard and then cries out again. Thank God that the kid is nowhere near. Her torso rises and she almost sits up straight as she comes against Tom's mouth with a few curse words, then falls back into the soft, comfortable mattress of her bed.

Once more he licks his way through her wonderful wetness, getting lost in her rich taste.

„You need to stop," she manages hoarsely. She can't take anymore, clenching her thighs shut. Her clitoris is sensitive to the point it's uncomfortable when he grazes it just lightly and she needs a break. He had sucked on it so hard once in between his leisure exploration that she is probably still going to feel it tingle tomorrow.

„Sorry," he offers and gently rubs her thighs. „Are you okay?"

„Yeah," she breathes and grins crookedly at him. „I'm very much okay."

He moves up and brings his body flush against hers, kissing her and feeling her sigh contently against his mouth. Olivia can feel his erection against her hip and reaches for it, massaging him through his underwear.

„Wait, wait," he says. „How about we catch a break? Have some champagne."

„Are you trying to get me all drunk to have your way with me?"

„Maybe."

She throws her head back and laughs and it's all he needs to hear. He gets off the bed and opens the bottle easily with a plop and pours each of them a glass. When he joins her on the bed they both sit up against the headboard.

„One year," he smiles and it sinks in for her. One year. They've made it through with one fight she remembers, a little bickering here and there and lots of love. And the best sex of her life. Who would have thought?

„One year," she repeats and shakes her head. Sometimes she feels the need to pinch herself. She is with someone and she is happy when one year ago she hadn't even been sure if something like this would ever be in the cards for her. After all this time she has been alone she has finally found what she had always dreamed of having. She is getting way too emotional and quickly clinks glasses with Tom and takes a sip because she won't cry again tonight.

„Liv?"

„Hm?"

He looks at her for a long time before he speaks. „I love you so much, you have no idea. You and Noah both."

This chokes her up and catches her off guard. She knows he loves her. Of course he does. But she thinks it's the same time that he clearly states that he _loves_ Noah.

„You do?"

„I do," he assures. „And I want to be there for him in whatever capacity you want me to. That just… I need you to know that. That I'm all in and that I want you and I want him more than anything."

So much for no more crying. Out of all the things he could have said he picks the one that fucks with her. She knew that before but to hear him state it clearly once more after one year proves he hasn't changed his mind, proves that he really had been in it with all his heart from the start.

„You wanna make me a sobbing mess, don't you?" She chuckles helplessly and as if on cue her vision blurs.

„No baby, I just need you to know that nothing has changed." He strokes her thigh to reassure her. „I want you and I want Noah and for the three of us to build a life together. And that I'm more than willing to take the next step whenever you are ready." He leaves open what the next step could be. It can be as small as taking a vacation together or as big as discussing possibly moving in together in the future. It's up to her. He just needs her to know, that's all.

„I want that, too," she says as she wipes her eyes. Luckily she isn't full on bawling. She is way too emotional today. When his arm slips around her she nestles into his warm, welcoming body and makes sure to finish her glass.

….

An hour later they are beneath the covers, both satiated for the moment. It has been a night of first it seems because besides the blowjob that Olivia had blessed him with at the start of the night she had been on top, taking charge when usually she happily lets him take the lead. Obviously he's not complaining. A minute ago they had started to play a game of ‚Could you imagine to' and it was an easy way to figure out where their future together could go. They had already covered the marriage thing. They both could see themselves get married. Even to each other, which had been the follow-up question she had countered with a slap on his leg.

„Could you imagine to get a dog?"

„With my schedule? Hell no," she says instantly. „Don't get me wrong, I love dogs but if I feel the need for some doggie love I'll go Amanda's." He bursts out laughing and it takes a her moment until she realizes why. „Oh right, that's so mature, Tom."

„You know, if you want some doggie love you don't have to go all the way to Amanda's I'm right here." It looks like her eyes roll all the way back into her head. „Alright, no dog. How about cats?"

„Cats?"

„Yes, cats."

„Wait, this is strictly hypothetical right? You're not going to nail me down on it one day?"

„I'm not going to answer that."

„You want cats? Seriously?"

„What's wrong with you, you animal hater. No dogs, no cats?"

„They lose fur. A lot of fur."

„Well yeah, that comes with the territory."

„I don't know," she finally says. „Maybe. Depends on how cute they are."

„Fair enough," he nods.

„Living together," he starts, hoping this is still safe territory. They already admitted that marriage is a possibility but moving in together is a step before that so it's more relevant. Olivia hasn't expected this one, he notices when she shifts and avoids his gaze.

„Too soon?"

„No," she says and pulls up her knees. „We can talk about it. It's just that the last time I lived with a guy it has all gone wrong from thereon out. I know that was a different situation but it's in here," she says, tapping her fingers against her head.

„I understand that. It is a big step that comes with a lot of change."

„It does. I mean, I've… it has crossed my mind. You and me."

„It has?" He's surprised to hear this, wondering where her thoughts had led her.

„Yeah, a little. How about… you ask me that question again let's say in… six months?"

„In six months," he repeats and feels his heart flutter. „Yeah, I can do that." She smiles, feeling like she hasn't dodged the question completely but keeps it open so she can think some more on it.

„Could you imagine to move away from here? From the city?" It's a question she wonders about a lot since her conversation with Alice after the funeral.

„I could. But not right now and not without you so," he smiles.

„Leave me out of it."

„I can't. I love you, I'm with you. I won't go anywhere if you won't go with me." She looks over at him and her heart melts.

„You're sweet."

„Just what every man wants to hear," he teases.

„Could you imagine to have a three-way?"

She snorts and then laughs, remembering her drunk conversation with Carrie all of a sudden. The entire night had been pushed to the back of her mind after hearing about Tom's dad. „Honestly, no. Not anymore."

„What's so funny?"

„Oh, nothing."

„No, come on. You can tell me. Did you ever have one?"

„Never," she says honestly and cackles a little before she calms down and sucks in a deep breath. „Did you?"

„I wish," he says. „Back in the day that was part of the Holy Trinity. Three-way, watching two girls getting hot and heavy and anal," he outlines when she raises her eyebrow.

„Seriously?"

„I was young, come on. Don't hold that against me."

„So have you accomplished any of it?"

„Wouldn't you like to know?" He sees she's curious but decides to keep mum on the subject, at least for tonight.

„Could you imagine to have your ass kicked by a woman?"

He quickly puts up his hands in surrender and laughs. „Hey, I'm not giving you a fight, I know you could take me down anytime."

It's not the answer she has expected although he is right, she has the skill to take a guy bigger than him down - it's all in the technique after all. „Maybe we should get some sleep?"

„Maybe," he agrees and leans in, kissing her. „Are we good?" It's on a more serious note but he sees her nod at him with a smile.

„We're good."

….

End Notes: One year - love locked down. It's been a fun ride so far, hasn't it? I'm not entirely sure when the next update will follow, I will need to structure some things and build a bridge to where I need this to move and confront them both with their individual fears. Sometimes the tiniest thing can rock the boat. But that's not going to happen right now, they've had it rough enough in the latest installments of this story. Feedback is food for the soul. Thanks for sticking around you amazing people.


	66. Broken Silence

„The Reid case?" The team sits in the conference room and with this case the end of their meeting nears. Everyone just wants to get home at this point. It's Amanda who speaks up first.

„Nothing. Barba thinks Phillip's lawyer will appeal sooner rather than later. There are no promising leads." Even after they have turned to the public to solve their case that involves a missing thirteen year old girl that has dropped off the earth after spending a night at her sister's and brother in-law's house the case is cold as ice.

„So, the router data is not enough. Do we get anywhere with Phillip?"

„He's not willing to talk with us."

„We've got the router data," Carisi says. „That's something."

„That's not enough," Olivia shakes her head. „Everything we have is circumstantial."

„We've caught him lying repeatedly," Fin points out. Not that it is going to help them. They all know that a judge is likely going to agree the 26-year old suspect should be released if there is no hard evidence that he is involved with the girl's disappearance.

„Doesn't prove he's got something to do with it. For all we know she could still be alive," Amanda offers.

„Oh come on, Amanda," Carisi huffs and Olivia decides to break it up. This one has all of them worked up but it's not worth fighting over.

„Alright guys, I know it's late and we all want to get home but I'd like to go over this one again." The case has kept them on their toes for three weeks now with no solid evidence whatsoever. „Amanda, would you?"

The blonde nods and gets up to get the file just so she won't miss anything. Olivia takes off her black rimmed glasses and rubs her eyelids, careful not to mess up her mascara.

„Sorry," she tells her co-workers. She hates to keeps them longer but it seems necessary. They are working this one with homicide because few people believe Taylor, their missing girl, is still alive although it can't be ruled out, either.

„Don't worry `bout it, Liv," Fin says. „We know Dodds is breathing down your neck."

She makes a weak smile appear. If it were just Dodds that would make it easier. When Amanda returns and opens the case file they all give her the word.

„Taylor spent the entire weekend at her sister's house and was supposed to leave from there for school at 7 AM. The sister, Joanna Malcome, married to Phillip Malcome, got up at five and left for work an hour later. She didn't check in on her sister because at thirteen the entire family says she is very `responsible`. Taylor was supposed to get up at 6:15." Amanda flips through the pages. „

Phillip worked nights all week as an intern at Bellevue and came home around 6:45, a neighbor saw him. He claims by the time he got home Taylor has already left. The girl's fresh clothes, including underwear, were found in the Malcome's bathroom, everything else like her phone and backpack are missing with her. By the time CSU showed up the next morning the entire bedding that Taylor supposedly slept in has been laundered, Phillip claims they always do that after Taylor spent the night which her sister confirmed but - and this is where the story doesn't check out - he said he laundered it in the afternoon, around two, after he woke up. Gretel Maschallek however has seen him in the laundry room with the bedding around seven. Phillip claims it have been his clothes. Taylor's phone was logged into the router at 8:15 AM, then logged out for good. Phillip claims he has gone to sleep and didn't get up before 1:00 PM. He has been sending WhatsApp messages to a friend of his, James Comroy at 7:18, 7:20 and 8:45 AM canceling on their scheduled lunch at 1:00 PM with the latest message. Also he got clocked in his car at 10:49 AM in Jersey on…" Olivia's phone starts ringing and Amanda finishes her sentence with the exact location in Jersey.

„Sorry," Olivia says and dismisses her boyfriend's call. Realizing she's already late by twenty-five minutes she decides they should finish this meeting up quickly. Her phone beeps with an incoming text.

 **Tom (7:48 PM)**

 _`?`_

`15` is all she replies, hoping it won't be much longer, seeing Tom and Noah are waiting in the car and have been for a while.

„No hits from the cadaver dogs in the condo or in the car. However, Phillip has definitely been lying to us and refused to say anything more when we confronted him that his story doesn't check out."

„So we have got a missing girl, a lying prime suspect but no hard evidence pointing towards a crime."

„As I said, it's iffy as hell but he might not have anything to do with Taylor's disappearance," Rollins throws in again.

„If he doesn't have anything to hide, then why the hell does he lie while his sister in-law that he claims he cares about, is missing?" Carisi's attitude is a telltale sign that he is pissed off, convinced their suspect is good for it.

„I didn't say he doesn't have anything to hide, he just doesn't strike me as a cold blooded killer who's routined enough to let a body vanish without a trace and not break under the pressure of his wife, her family and law enforcement."

„Oh come on, nobody said he's a cold blooded killer. His thirteen year-old sister in-law started to look more and more like a young woman, he was alone with her and couldn't control himself. He assaulted or raped her and panicked."

„And then he snapped his fingers and she magically disappeared into thin air?" The blonde gets more and more agitated and for some reason Olivia starts to think it has little to do with the case, even though they stood on different sides from the start. „How do you get a dead, rather tall teenage girl out of that condo and manage to get rid of…"

„Guys, guys, knock it off, seriously," Olivia interrupts finally. „Amanda, you stay on this, work closely on it with homicide. We can't rule out she's dead, we can't rule out she's alive so keep an open mind."

„But Lieutenant-," Carisi tackles.

„I know you've got a strong opinion on this one, Carisi, we all do but this is a high profile case with the parents all over the media and the public taking a massive interest in what happened to Taylor. I can't let you handle this one with that amount of prejudgement on your part." She sees her youngest detective glare at her, obviously furious but what comes next blows her mind.

„Are you fucking serious?"

„Excuse me?" Her eyes widen and she can't believe he's giving her attitude and in front of everyone else at that. She holds the younger man with her stare, thinking that must be enough to shut him up. She is wrong.

„You of all people shouldn't act like a moral crusader. How many times did you…"

„This is enough," Olivia says sharply and stands up, looking Carisi dead in the eye. „If you have got something to say to me I strongly suggest you go home _now_ and think about it very _carefully_ until I see you on Monday at nine in my office." Each word comes out with an edge she has never before used around him and wouldn't normally use in front of the entire squad. She sees Sonny holding her eye, weighing if he should say something more. „Am I understood?" Finally she sees him falter, thinking he's back to a more level-headed place.

„Yes, Lieutenant."

She would have liked ten more minutes to discuss certain details before their case is handled by a special commission come Monday, even if Rollins is going to be part of it. „This meeting is over. I'll see you fresh next week."

No two seconds later she is out of the conference room, her insides burning with the humiliation her detective's open and sudden attack has caused. It is only now that she understands how Cragen might have felt when years ago she has gone off like a rocket on him. He had once pulled her out of the interrogation room after she had manhandled a suspect, yelling at her Captain to get off of her when he pulled her away. Back then she has had more luck than judgement. Cragen could have had her ass fired in that moment. Despite the disrespect she had displayed towards him on that day he had not only forgiven her, he had also decided not to take any disciplinary action. It is in this situation that Olivia realizes how hard it can be to be in command and be the bigger person as well when she has all the means to reprimand Carisi.

Taking off her glasses she walks to her desk and sighs, putting her open paperwork away for the weekend. When there is a single knock and the door opens Olivia looks up, seeing Fin who smiles at her apologetically. „Hey Liv."

„Hey," she says back and offers a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

„Carisi was outta line."

„He sure was." But the thing is, that although he was out of line, utterly disrespectful and unprofessional - he wasn't wrong.

„You don't let that get to you, alright?"

She will try like hell not to but it does make her wonder if everybody thinks of her as a hypocrite after her own transgressions in the past.

„I'm fine, Fin."

„I'm sure you are." He watches her pack up and slip her phone and glasses into her purse. „You got any plans for the weekend?"

„We're actually going to get on the way to Long Island now. The weather is supposed to be great, we figured we'd make good use of it before it cools off next week."

„Sounds like fun."

„Hopefully," she smiles, this time honestly. „I actually gotta get going, Tom and Noah have been waiting in the car for a while."

„Right. Shouldn't keep ´em waiting."

„If something comes up this weekend you'll let me know, right?"

„Absolutely not," he says seriously and for a moment she wants to protest but then the fight leaves her body and she nods gratefully.

„Thank you, Fin."

„You're welcome. Enjoy."

„Gonna try." With that she leaves her office, bidding who else is in the office goodbye for the weekend. Carisi, luckily, must have made a quick exit after his outburst.

…..

„Hey, I'm so sorry," Olivia says as she slides into the passenger seat of Tom's Ford and leans in to kiss him hello. She is almost forty-five minutes late at this point. She thinks that sometimes she is really trying her man's patience.

„Hey. I thought you'd cancel on us. Little man fell asleep ten minutes ago." He nods towards the backseat and Olivia, heavy hearted, turns to look at her sleeping child.

„The meeting ran late," she makes an apologetic face. „And we didn't even get to discuss who's catching when next month."

„So nothing on Thanksgiving yet?"

„Not yet, no. But honestly, I won't get around working either on Thanksgiving or Christmas and I'd rather we celebrate Christmas with your family." Alice had asked if they'd visit for the holidays and Olivia had hoped she'd have an answer by this week since it's only a month until Thanksgiving.

„Yeah, I think I'd like that better, too. I'm sure Noah will enjoy Christmas there. So, we'll do Thanksgiving together then? Just the three of us?"

„I figured you'd want to drive up to be with the family." It takes her by surprise but maybe she should have known.

„I'm not going without you, ´livia. If you're on call that day then we'll stay in the city and celebrate together, it'll be nice even if it's just us. We'll do the whole turkey and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes thing and find cool things to fill the day with."

„Unless I actually have to work."

„Unless you actually have to work," Tom agrees and sinks his fingers into her hair. „I'll keep busy with Noah then." Smiling she attaches her lips to Tom's. When she looks over her shoulder and sees her son her heart jumps. He rests peacefully, hands in his lap and his mouth open.

„Has everything gone okay?"

Tom starts the car and pulls onto the road. „All good, yeah. I picked your bags and Noah up at four and we went to the park to pass some time before dinner."

„Dinner being?" She asks and eyes him suspiciously.

„A Happy Meal?" He asks carefully. Luckily Olivia laughs and shakes her head.

„Figures."

„Hey, he's very persuasive, he must get it from you. Also it was close by."

„Well, I think by next week my super will have the key done, that'll make things easier." The key. For Tom. To her apartment to come and go as he pleases. That's their next step and one that not only makes sense, it will also be convenient because at this point Olivia's boyfriend relies on either Lucy or her to be there to get in or out and lock the door behind him. Like today it can make things overly complicated. It also shows that she trusts Tom implicitly to give him access to her place when she isn't home.

„How was your day?"

„Uh, don't ask," she groans softly as she remembers. „Full of meetings. That missing girl that's all over the news? It's a lot of pressure on everyone involved."

„I can imagine. It's everywhere." It seems the entire country takes an interest in what happened to Taylor Reid after she had gone missing three weeks ago.

„That's because it's different. Nothing about the case is normal. We have a missing girl and no idea what has happened to her, we have a prime suspect who got caught up in a few lies but no evidence that supports he has done anything to her. The parents and siblings are all over the news sticking by their son and brother in-law, convinced she's still alive and is held somewhere. It doesn't help that they make us look like idiots by saying they feel like the NYPD is only investing a homicide." All the information she gives is what is common knowledge. „Every person seems to have an opinion on what happened to her and opinions don't help us." At this point Olivia understands that the general public is doubting the professionalism of the investigators. She herself couldn't quite believe that a judge has signed off on the arrest warrant for Phillip Malcome. It has been issued by homicide's ADA because it is generally assumed the girl has been murdered but naturally nobody differentiates between homicide and SVU.

„Think it's a good idea to leave the city?"

„Fin's got it. Remind me to invite him over for dinner one of these days." Without Fin Olivia doesn't think she could have been as present after Bill's death or visit Tom's mother now. His experience and support is something she trusts and values.

„Hey, I actually wanted to talk to you about something," Tom pipes up after a few minutes. A quick glance over his shoulder and he is assured that Noah is still out as a light.

„Okay."

„Since you suggested we drive up and visit with Mom more often I thought we could get kick scooters for the three of us. It'll be easy to get around town without the car but quicker than doing a lot of things by foot," he explains, glancing at Olivia a few times as he talks.

„Scooters?"

„Yeah. They're great, I'm sure Noah would love to ride one."

„Aren't those for kids and teenagers?" She can even imagine Tom on one with his Converse and the chino pants. He's got just enough of a light hipster look on him to pull the scooter thing off. But herself? Not so much. She thinks an almost fifty year old woman on a kick scooter would look rather ridiculous.

„They're perfectly suitable for adults," he assures. „And they are fun." Not only does he hear her hesitation, he can also see his girlfriend is not impressed. „Are you against Noah getting one?"

„No. It sounds good, I mean, as you said he's probably going to love it." Alice's neighborhood is super safe as well, he could definitely ride the scooter up and down the street.

„Well, how about we're going to the store tomorrow and we'll pick one that's suitable for him and you can try it out, see if you think you'd like to get one, too. As long as the roads aren't icy we can use them and they sure are going to be great to have around for spring and summer."

„We can do that." If he wants to get a scooter for Noah and himself then she is all for it. Although she's trying herself at the whole keeping an open mind thing she's a sceptic at heart. If it's something that is important to Tom she at least wants to try it. When it's not for her she can still decide against purchasing a scooter for herself.

The ride to Tom's hometown is mostly quiet, filled with light conversation every now and then. They arrive around 9:30 PM and once there Alice greets them with a big hug each. The woman couldn't be any happier that Olivia is keeping her promise of trying to visit more.

„I'll carry Noah inside," Tom assures her and Olivia gets the two bags from the trunk as her boyfriend picks up the little boy who merely sighs and stirs after the shift in position.

„Has he been sleeping for long?"

„Since I got into the car. My meeting ran late and I guess waiting got boring after a bit. But Tom said he was very excited when they left."

„Poor thing. Well, the beds are all ready, so if you want to head in? I'm sure you are tired too, Tom said you've had a few rough weeks."

„Oh, I'll be just fine for another hour or two," Olivia smiles as they follow Tom inside the house. „I didn't come here to sleep after all. Tom said you have been visiting a dance class, I wanna hear all about that." It is good to know that Alice tries to keep busy and has found something that she loved to do in the past and has picked up again after her husband's passing. Inside the brunette puts the bags down and shrugs out of her jacket, knowing Tom will be just fine on his own bringing Noah to bed.

„Oh, it is fantastic, Olivia. Mind you, I'm a little bit rusty but it's a lot of fun and everyone's so nice and welcoming."

„That's so good to hear and I'm sure you are doing just fine. Is it a mixed crowd?"

„It's a course for older people, I think the youngest couple is probably fifty-five, maybe sixty. But as far as I can tell we are all from different backgrounds." Alice isn't just sitting at home alone all the time but has found something she is curious and maybe even passionate about. From Rebecca they know that Mable, an old family friend who lives somewhere in the neighborhood comes over often and makes sure Alice keeps busy and isn't alone too much. „Have you eaten? You must be hungry with your meeting running late and the drive. Unless you've stopped somewhere?"

„We didn't, we just wanted to get here as quickly as possible." By now Olivia knows the house well enough and she feels comfortable around here. It's funny how things change. When she had first visited six months ago she couldn't even imagine spending a night here, worried it might be awkward. By now this house has become a place she really likes spending time at.

„Oh well, let me fix you something then. How about a sandwich?"

„Sounds great," Olivia smiles and follows Alice to the kitchen.

„Tomorrow I'll make a nice roast, the one you liked so much." Olivia remembers the terrific meal and how she had told Alice she wishes she knew how to cook a roast like that.

„In that case I really need to help and more importantly learn," the brunette chuckles as Alice gets the bread and everything else she needs from the refrigerator. „Tom would never say it but I'm sure he'd like it if I could make a roast like yours."

„He sure likes that roast," Alice agrees.

„My mom never cooked much so I didn't get to learn from her. A few easy dishes like spaghetti or a casserole but never something like a roast." She wouldn't explain that Serena was an alcoholic and not the most doting mother.

„It's really not that hard, you'll see," the older woman says easily but still with her usual warm aura. Alice is glad that she gets something to do, that she still has a purpose after her husband's death, even if it's teaching her youngest son's girlfriend how to make a roast. „You do cook, right?"

„Yeah. I'm trying to cook as much as possible since I've had Noah. Before that… well, let's say I've worked all the time and I was single most of the time as well so cooking for just myself didn't make sense. Or it wasn't a priority. I basically lived on salads and takeout."

When Tom enters the kitchen he first greets his mother properly, hugging her slender frame to him and kissing her cheek before he steals a slice of cucumber.

„That is for the sandwiches," Alice comes down on her son but her kind face gives away that she isn't upset at all.

„Everything okay?" Olivia inquires.

„He sleeps like a log. I took off his jeans so he'll be more comfortable. Unless you want to change him for the night…"

„Oh no, it's fine. I wouldn't want to risk waking him up, the second he realizes we're here we won't get him back to bed." The excitement should be saved for the morning. Noah has been all hyped up since Olivia had told him about their weekend plans at Alice's. Her son absolutely adores Tom's mother - which might be because she spoiled him rotten with a toy and candy each time they have visited in the past.

„How long will you stay on Sunday?"

„I figured until three, maybe four. I wanted to be back home around dinner time to get Noah settled."

„That's good. Rebecca and Abi will be over, I'm sure they will love to see you." Abigail in particular has taken a high liking to Olivia when Walt had brought her over on the day after Bill's funeral. Although it hadn't been the first time her and Abigail have interacted it was when they have truly clicked. Also the two year-old is as cute as a button. Each time she sees her running with her big diapered bottom and sees the toothy grin between amazingly chubby toddler cheeks her heart leaps and what is still active of her ovaries screams.

„Gosh, whenever I see her I just wanna steal her," Olivia says and it's not even a lie.

„Yeah, we make cute babes," Tom jokes and pulls a chair to sit.

„Ah, so it's a Tetley thing, hm?"

„Must be."

Grinning Olivia clasps her hands together and rests her chin on top of them. „I have got to admit the ginger hair has me sold."

„On the babes?"

„Right. On the babies. Only the babies," she teases as Alice slides a plate with a sandwich in front of her. „Thank you so much, Alice." Like everything Tom's mother touches food-wise the sandwich looks amazing. There is cheese and ham, plenty of lettuce, sliced cucumber and tomatoes and a rather unhealthy amount of mayo on it. One bite and Olivia smiles on the inside and out. She hadn't even realized how hungry she is. Nothing tastes as good as food, no matter how simple, that has been made with love.

Alice makes a sandwich for her son and the conversation is light, trying not to touch on the subject of Bill and his death. In a way it is still too painful to talk openly about it, at least for Tom. When they both have finished their rather late dinner Alice excuses herself and bids Olivia and Tom goodnight. It's not surprising, she always goes to bed between ten and eleven at night, always gets up between five and six.

„She seems to be doing okay… considering."

„Yeah. It might be an act, though. She's not someone who easily shows her pain in front of us kids, you know?"

„She told me about her dance classes which certainly give her joy, I could see it in her face. So that is something. It's been seven weeks and I think for that she's doing as well as can be expected. Us being here probably helps, too."

„I hope so. Rebecca says she's spending a lot of time with Mable, she's a widow, too. Her husband passed a few years ago. And Mable is still active as hell, I think she's going to a pottery class once a week, she's gardening like crazy, you should see that front and backyard of hers, helps out babysitting for women who can't afford daycare at the community center twice a week." he shakes his head and scoffs.

„That doesn't sound too bad."

„It's not. She's great. I think Mom's very lucky to have her and encourage her. From what I heard it was Mable who made her go to dance class the first time. I should probably stop by there tomorrow and thank her for that. Knowing she's around makes me worry a little less." Until now it doesn't look like Alice has fallen into depression. She tries to keep busy, which in Tom's opinion is important. His worst fear is for his mom to grow lonely at her old age. Of course Rebecca lives close by and visits regularly but even in her seventies Alice should live for more than her children and grandkids coming over.

„I think your mom's going to be just fine," Olivia says softly. „For now she seems to have adjusted as well as can be expected. I'm sure she has her moments of sadness and grief and she will for a while, even if she doesn't let it show. But she is doing things, meeting people, taking a dance class. That's more than she did when your Dad was still alive and it will do her a world of good."

„You're right. This is good for her. And I'm just going to have to make sure to come here as much as I can. Show her she isn't alone."

„You're a good son," Olivia's voice is deep and gentle. It's one of the things she loves about Tom. That he cares about his mother a lot, that he openly shows his affection for the older woman. That he teases her for being overbearing while Olivia thinks that deep down he loves it and thrives on it. What she sees in Alice and Tom is something she desperately wants for herself and Noah in the future.

„Well, she's a fantastic mother." He waits a beat and then sighs, realizing it's late. „I should probably get the bags upstairs."

„Bed?"

„Unless you wanna stay up."

„Nah, bed sounds good, Noah's going to be up early." Quickly Olivia gathers the plates and puts them in the dishwasher, then follows Tom up to his childhood bedroom that she has by now gotten used to. She feels a lot more comfortable here than she would have thought possible. They have the upstairs bathroom for themselves whenever they are here and Noah has Rebecca's old room that by now is stuffed with Tom's Lego and action figures as well as new toys that Alice has gotten for him.

Once in the room she falls onto the bed and inhales deeply, the fresh scent of Alice's laundry detergent lulling her in. Olivia has always loved the smell of freshly laundered bedding. It also has that distinct smell that comes with ironing - something she'd never do for the lack of time and motivation.

„I need a shower but I really don't wanna move," she mutters as Tom eyes her.

„Then skip that shower, you smell just fine."

„I feel gross."

„From what?"

„Running. I had to rush to get to the staff meeting after a meeting."

„You're such a cop," he teases and falls into the empty spot next to his girlfriend and grasps her hand.

„You're a dork," Olivia retorts.

„Mhm, but I'm the dork you've chosen to put up with so that's alright," he tells her and rolls onto his side before he throws one leg over her middle and straddles her.

„What are you doing?" She laughs a little too loud and tunes it down the moment she realizes it. Tom already silences her with a kiss.

„Keeping you from showering? Relieving your stress? Kissing you after a long, long day? Take your pick." His low voice tells her without a doubt that Tom is definitely having an ulterior motive here. It's dripping arousal. The bulge in his pants is quite telling as well.

„Tohom," she mutters. They have been over this. Everything would be so much easier if he wouldn't try to bend her rules. „You know the rules."

„Your rules are stupid," he tells her before she can even complain that they are not going to have sex in this house. He's heard it all before and although he understands Olivia's reasoning he thinks she's overthinking and worrying way too much.

„We can't," she whispers in between kisses. But God, does she want to.

„Why not?"

„Because your mother is down the hall."

„And she won't hear a thing. We can be quiet. We do it all the time." Obviously they need to watch the volume with Noah at her place. „And trust me, my mother isn't a complete stranger to sex with four kids and all that," he jokes and starts kissing her breasts through the thin material of her blouse. He doesn't even shy away from sucking her nipple despite the cream colored, silken fabric. When she moans it is everything Tom needs to hear.

She sighs and closes her eyes, trying to focus on something other than his mouth against her chest. Although Olivia hears him she feels like sleeping with him here, in his mother's house, would be disrespectful. Or maybe she's simply scared shitless Alice could notice something. She never really had to deal with parents and the concept of having sex in her boyfriend's childhood bedroom is the strangest thing.

„Can we wait until Sunday?" Her resolve is crumbling and Tom isn't taking it seriously, either. She really shouldn't be surprised.

„What, each time we're here?" Tom laughs softly. „You threw around that idea of staying here for winter recess and only drive back in case shit hits the fan at work, you really wanna tell me no Christmas sex? No New Year's celebration between just the two of us?" He looks up and grins boyishly as she raises her head. Of course she can go a week without sex with no problem whatsoever but damn, she really thinks that Christmas in particular would be nice and special, seeing it will be their first Christmas together. And the chances of them being in New York for it are basically zero. It seems she hasn't thought the whole no sex in this house thing through at the time. Tom wiggling his eyebrows at her face of sudden realization doesn't help and she slaps his biceps.

„Damn you," she breathes and lets her head fall back onto the bed.

„Damn you for being so busy all week," he says back but she knows he isn't serious, just playful. Her blouse is pushed up and her belly accessible for Tom. Instantly he takes advantage and starts to kiss it. Her arousal spreads like a wildfire. Damn him for knowing just how to get her worked up. At this point of their relationship she wonders if he keeps her young or just really knows how to turn her on.

„If she figures it out…"

„You'll kill me or something, I know," he mutters against her soft skin and pops the button of her pants. „Get naked finally, I've been waiting all week." What he gets in response is another laugh that's just a little too loud and she clamps her hand over her mouth to muffle it.

This has been much easier than he would have thought.

…..

„Mama? Mama?"

The soft cries rouse Tom first and he sits up, eyes quickly adjusting to the dark. Noah stands in front of the bed on his side, rubbing his eyes.

„Hey buddy, can't sleep?" He reaches for his phone, 4:23 AM. Way too early for anyone to be up.

„I got scared," the little one says and his voice shakes.

„You did, huh? I'm sorry you got scared. But you found your way here, that's great," Tom tells him, trying to figure out what to do. Bring him back over to his room and try to get him to sleep? Maybe he should just tell him to stay here.

„Do you wanna crawl in?" In the dark that is only illuminated by his unlocked home screen he sees Noah shake his head no. After a little while he answers.

„I want to watch TV."

„Uh. You sure? You don't wanna cuddle up to Mom and sleep some more? It's really early." Watching TV before five doesn't seem like the best idea to Tom. He's pretty certain Olivia wouldn't approve.

„I'm not tired at all," Noah reasons and Tom looks over to Olivia who is sleeping through the conversation. He isn't entirely sure if he buys the boy is not tired but he had fallen asleep rather early in the car but what is he supposed to do?

„Okay then," Tom agrees after a long while and sleepily drags himself out of bed. He uses the flashlight of his phone to grab a t-shirt and pants from his bag. „But we have to be really quiet so we won't wake mom."

„Okay," the five-year-old whispers excitedly. He can't quite believe that this has worked and he really is allowed to watch TV downstairs.

After getting dressed Tom takes Noah downstairs and they get comfortable on the couch. Tom switches on the TV and starts Netflix and together they choose a movie. It isn't long until the little one's head drops against Tom's arm. The kid is obviously still tired but he is fighting sleep with everything within him. Once Noah's eyes flutter shut and his chest rises and falls in a slow and even rhythm Tom grabs the blanket off the sofa and covers the boy with it. For a little while he just sits there and watches him in the flickering light from the television. His head of full curls, two perfectly shaped eyebrows, a small nose and parted, pink lips. Tom's heart swells. It is crazy to him how not even one and a half years ago Noah Porter Benson was just another child in his pre-school and subsequent kindergarten class. Now the boy is such a big and important part of his life that Tom is taking on more and more responsibility for. He's figuring the parenting thing out as he goes and realizes that the advice he used to give as someone watching from the sidelines has little to do with the reality of raising a kid. It is as hard and tiring as it is beautiful and he doesn't even do it 24/7, just whenever he's around. And half of the time he doesn't even know what the hell he's doing. Like now. He has no idea if it was right to get up with him at four-something in the morning to watch Dragons. At least he is pretty sure Olivia would have handled the situation different and made Noah go back to sleep one way or another. Then again Noah is back asleep, albeit on the sofa with the TV running. Tom supposes that counts.

At five thirty, Tom had dozed off eventually, he wakes to footsteps on the stairs, one of them screeching like it has for the past thirty years. He rubs his eyes and turns to see his mother in the flickering light the TV casts across the room. Not surprisingly she is already dressed. „Morning," Tom rasps.

„Good morning," Alice says just above a whisper, her gaze softening at the sight of her son and Noah. The little boy's head is safely rested in Thomas' lap, his body covered by the woolen blanket. „I thought I heard something earlier."

Tom scrubs his hands across his face, trying to wake up fully. „Yeah, he woke up early and wanted to watch TV, said he couldn't sleep. I figured before he wakes Olivia I might as well go. He was back asleep within ten minutes or so."

„He is a beautiful boy." Alice's smile is filled with memories of her own children being so young. Time has flown by. It seems like it was just yesterday when Tom and Rebecca were still kids, chasing each other in the backyard. She has seen it repeat with her grandchildren, some of them teenagers by now and with Abigail being the youngest. It also hits her again that Tom probably won't have children of his own. Alice doesn't even mean it in a biological sense. It hurts to think he will never raise a child that was his decision, his desire to have. She watches him with Noah and with Abigail, seeing how great he is with them. And then she remembers last night and how Olivia had talked about Tom's niece and how it had sounded an awful lot like baby fever. Because why else would Olivia say she could just steal a toddler?

„Yeah," Tom agrees, trying to read his mother's face. „He's an amazing little guy." It's hard to remember his life eight months ago when Noah wasn't in his private life. Tom has gotten so used to the sound of his bare feet running across the living room, his happy squeals and even his occasional temper tantrums. He has fallen in love with Noah's smile, his singing along to every song he knows or the excitement and joy he shows when they are playing with his dinosaurs or Legos. He loves that they have a thing - the guitar - that Noah still learns to play excitedly.

„What's up, Mom?" Although his mother quickly shakes her head he can see the distant longing in her eyes. Clearly something is on her mind.

„It's nothing, honey." She tries to make a smile appear that doesn't quite settle.

„I know your nothing. You do know you can talk to me. Is it about Dad?"

„It's not that." Alice sighs and her eyes settle back on the sleeping child. It's that moment when Tom has his suspicions.

„Mom?"

„I was just wondering…" In her mind the questions are all over the place. „Do you still want children?"

Having the suspicion and hearing the question from his mother out loud are two very different things. The one filled him with dread. The other is a good kick in the gut.

„Mom," he starts heavily. It's not necessarily a conversation he wants to have, least of all at five something in the morning. But maybe he owes her this kind of talk.

„I know that's not something you like to discuss with me but last night… don't you think Olivia would be open to it?"

If she were open to it they would have discussed the possibilities. If she were open to it she would have said something at some point. She hasn't. What she has made clear before they became an item is that she can't give him children and he understands that her life doesn't allow it. She is at an age where she is done, with a job that keeps her busy at all hours of the day. The worry and guilt over spending too little time with her son is a constant companion of hers. As much as she loves Noah and adores children Tom thinks there is no way that she would add to her busy schedule by bringing another child into her hectic life. And it certainly is not something she should do for him.

Tom rubs his palm over his mouth, thinking his words through carefully. His mom probably wants to be a grandmother to a child of his as much as he wants to be a father. When he was still with Sarah Alice had constantly told them how much she was looking forward to them starting a family. Undoubtedly a child would be something to give his mother a world of joy, a distraction from the loss of his father and adjusting to living alone in this house. As much as he his hurting for his mother he knows that he has to set the record straight in that regard.

„Okay… Mom," he starts heavily and clears his throat. „I know you'd love that. And honestly I'd love that but that is not going to happen. Olivia's at a point in her life where she focuses on raising this little guy," he says with a glance at the sleeping figure with curly hair that rests so peacefully in his lap. „She's very wrapped up in her work. And when we started seeing each other I went into it with my eyes wide open. I knew she wasn't going to start a family with me and that's… that's okay, Mom."

The hurt in her eyes kills him and Tom knows it's the pain she feels for him, not herself and what she is robbed of.

„It sounds like a big sacrifice to make, Thomas," she says quietly, instantly feeling ashamed of those words from her mouth. She adores Olivia. She adores that little boy. And she hates the blame she feels towards Olivia. It's thickening within her for not giving her youngest son the family he deserves. Alice knows it is wrong. Probably she has been mislead by Olivia's gushing over Abigail, over the look on the brunette's face. She might have set herself up for this moment of misery.

„I don't know if I'd call it a sacrifice," Tom replies thickly although he knows in a way it is. But it is a very conscious decision he has made. By choosing Olivia he chose not to have a child of his own. In part it was the easy way out. „By being with her I haven't lost anything but I've gotten a lot. I found a wonderful woman who is kind and beautiful and passionate and she has this amazing, funny, spirited and witty child. He's not mine. He won't ever be mine in the way I imagined some tiny person would someday be mine. But I love that child, Mom. And I love her more than I thought I could love someone. That just has to be enough in this lifetime."

Alice purses her lips, then runs her hand through her son's thick ginger hair, something she hasn't done in decades. The last time, she remembers it clearly, was when Tom was seventeen and utterly lovesick when his first real girlfriend had broken up with him.

„I'm okay Mom. Really," he assures with a smile. „And I am happy."

„You are?"

„I am."

…..

From the top of the stairs Olivia listens to the conversation. She hadn't intended to eavesdrop at all. When she had woken up to a cold right side of the bed and checked if Tom was in Noah's room she had heard the voices filtering from downstairs. The words spoken make her heart ache and her guilt skyrocket. Not being able to give Tom children, no matter how, has been something that had scared and worried her from the start. Hearing him say that her and Noah have to be enough for this lifetime shatters her. Her boyfriend is settling for less than he deserves, for something that probably isn't what he truly wants. She stands with her arms wrapped around herself, wondering how any of it is fair to Tom. Olivia feels selfish. Whichever way she looks at it, she gets what she wants out of this relationship. He doesn't. Not at all.

 _„But he is happy," a voice within her whispers._

And so is she. Olivia is deliriously happy with Tom and maybe all that can be enough. Their happiness. The home they are building with their love. Some things, she thinks, are meant to last. Some things are worth a sacrifice.

...

 **Well, well, well... the bubble is going to burst. And by that I mean shit's going to get ugly. Soonish. Probably within the next two chapters. Hearts may break around here after all. Thank you for reading. Reviews are always appreciated.**


	67. Happiest I've ever been

**Notes: Short one. Are you guys nervous yet? Shit's gonna go down, ya'll. Soon. Not in this chapter, tho. Relax, Ladies and Gents.**

Hours later, making that roast with Alice in the kitchen, the conversation Olivia had overheard between mother and son is still heavy in the pit of her stomach. In all of the time she has been with Tom the brunette has not once considered the possibility of children. A few years ago, when Noah was two years old, it had been something she mulled over. The idea of a sibling for her son had been tempting but realistically she hardly managed to juggle work and motherhood with one toddler. Adding another baby to the equation wouldn't have been a sound decision. After weighing her options for months Olivia had ultimately decided against further pursuing adoption. Now at forty-nine she had entered a phase where she enjoyed her life with her son with no regrets whatsoever. She had adopted late in life, time had always been a factor. In Olivia's case an unforgiving one. When it comes down to it she thinks that they might even have a shot at it - adoption. The favors might be on their side seeing that Tom is only in his late thirties opposed to Olivia's late forties, she has already gone through the process and has a healthy, beautiful boy to show for it. However, in her heart Olivia feels that she is done. No doubt, she adores kids and she has a way with them, too. But the thought of starting all over again with an infant, diaper changes, late night feedings, walking the apartment for hours and hours with a screaming baby that can't settle down for one reason or another? She feels too old for it. At five years old Noah is so independent and while she cherished each stage of him growing into a confident, smart and funny boy it is a lot easier. The pace of her life has changed. She can't go back. But she feels guilty for it now. For taking something from Tom. For the sacrifice he has to make although he said he doesn't think of it as one.

There is no doubt in Olivia's mind that he would be on board if she offered the possibility. The man wants to be a father, probably he was even born to be a father. Tom is a nurturer with so much love to give and so much joy as he explores this world. He is a natural with Noah and a fantastic uncle to Abigail.

To never have thought about what she is taking away from him scares her all of a sudden. Olivia had brought it up before they got together but they never had an actual conversation about. Not the kind the subject deserves. While she thinks that maybe they should, it might also be pointless. A conversation isn't going to change her mind. And Tom would never try to get her to change her mind.

This guilt, maybe Olivia has to learn to live with it. But for the time being it eats away at her. Alice's presence and the knowledge that the older woman sees it as a huge sacrifice on her son's part doesn't help to make the situation more comfortable. Putting on a brave face isn't as easy as Olivia had hoped when she has to face Alice and Tom all weekend. It's not the kind of conversation the Lieutenant will easily forget.

The roast is delicious and Olivia has taken a few notes from Alice. She is confident that she can pull it off at home. It was fairly easy to follow Alice's instructions int he kitchen. After lunch Tom wants to take her and Noah shopping for scooters. It's not far on top of her list but she had agreed last night on the way here. They make their way to a speciality store that runs kick scooters, snowboards, skates and skateboards. Naturally Noah is as excited as overwhelmed as they step foot into the store. The staff is young but attentive and very helpful in finding the right scooter. With Noah's age and height they recommend a scooter that is suitable for teenagers and adults. He tries different models out and can easily handle the big wheels. Together they choose a suitable kick scooter for Noah. Olivia herself feels a little put on the spot when Tom tries to convince her to give it a shot, too. Although she'd rather not, Olivia doesn't want to make a scene and goes for a spin but ultimately decides against a purchase. It's not even because she feels ridiculous or too old. It seems it might be fun. But she is not in the mood and just wants to get out of there.

Of course her Tom notices that she isn't quite as thrilled he is. While they get the scooters Tom and Noah have picked from the warehouse in the back Tom pulls her aside.

„Is everything okay?" Olivia has been a little reserved all day but it is even worse here than at his mother's.

„Yeah," she says, trying to force a smile. „Just tired. Been a long couple of weeks." While it is true and makes for a plausible excuse it's not the reason for her sour mood. As much as she wants to get what she heard out of her head, she can't. Maybe it isn't even as big of a deal to Tom as it feels to Olivia. But for now she can't shake it. Back at home it will be easier - she thinks.

It's only a second until Thomas snakes one arm around Olivia's waist and gently tucks her against his side. „I'm sorry." Sweetly he kisses her temple, nudges his nose against it. „We could go for a walk when we're done here. There's a park not far from here. What do you say?" There is a playground in said park, that should give Noah plenty to discover.

Glancing up her eyes light up a little. „That actually sounds very good." Maybe a walk will clear her mind, take that worry away. She's overthinking this too much. Probably. But then again who knows. Relationships do fall apart due to the differing wish for children. It's not a very fair situation to anyone involved. Tom gives her side a little squeeze and the smile she offers is genuine.

„You know, I'd like to take you out tonight. If you're up for it." There are a few very good restaurants in town and one of the bars usually has live music on Saturdays although he would have to check who is playing. It's been a while since they have gone out between Bill's passing and Olivia working late much more often than not lately.

„We can't. I mean… Noah…"

„We can go after he's down for the night. Mom's there, she'll be happy to watch him. And we don't have to stay out late, either. Just grab something to eat, you and me, a bottle of red, maybe a drink at a bar."

It does sound wonderful. It feels like ages since they have last visited a restaurant. Juggling work, parenthood and keep a relationship healthy can be trying at times. „We'll have to check with Alice first but if it's okay with her…" Whom is she kidding, of course it will be okay with Tom's mother.

„Already did. It was actually her idea, she noticed you're a little stressed today."

„She did?" Damn. Olivia really has to do a better job and put her poker face on.

„Hard to miss," he teases. His hand slips from her side to her ass where he gives a light squeeze, then moves it back up to where it was. Noah has taken an interest in the skateboards and checks them out when Troy, that's what the guy's tag says, comes back with their scooters. „You sure you don't want one?"

„Positive," Olivia agrees. „You guys have fun with your scooters, I've got enough action in my life."

„Fair enough." Tom can't say he's not disappointed but Olivia hadn't been overly excited about the idea from the start.

Tom runs his credit card and within two minutes they are off to the park. Noah takes his scooter, a tornado couldn't hold the boy back from taking it for a ride. He beams and squeals and demands Olivia's and Tom's full attention, shouting for them to watch him, see all the tricks he can do, by which he means going in circles and swerving about. It's nice to see him have so much fun.

„Looks like the scooter was a good idea." They walk hand in hand, jackets open. It's a very mild day for the end of October and the weather is supposed to change next week. All the more reason to make the most of the weekend.

„That sounds like you had any doubt," Tom grins at her as they are strolling slowly, always an eye on Noah.

„Never. I know you're the kid whisperer." This is easier. She can breathe here and the baby conversation slips to the back of her mind. The sun is warm on Olivia's face and the park is just beautiful, albeit a lot smaller than Central Park. Beds and benches line the footpaths, the green areas are occupied by people who had the same idea as them. Some sit on blankets, having a picnic, others play ball, walk their dogs or push strollers. It seems everyone wants to catch a few rays of sun before the cold and rain of autumn falls upon the town.

By the time they reach the playground it's 3:00 PM. Noah runs off instantly and the adults find a free spot on one of the benches in the sun. With their hands entwined they are watching the little one on the slides and playing with two girls in the sandbox.

„Too bad we didn't bring sand toys."

„Next time." The trip to the park hadn't been planned. There are plenty of other options for Noah."

„So, have you made up your mind? About tonight?"

„Hmh," Olivia nods. „Very much yes. I could do with a couple's night." He beams at her answer and leans into her, putting his mouth against her ear.

„Wine and dine and sixty-nine?" He whispers and she laughs out loud.

„Didn't we have that yesterday?"

„I remember no wine and if we're taking the 69-part quite literally then we didn't have that, either." Looking at her he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and sees a blush settle on the apples of her cheek.

„We're at a playground, Tetley," she says with a quick glance at their surroundings. But their conversation couldn't possibly carry to the other adults or children.

„Hm, I know," he says easily and uses his knuckles to tilt her chin up, giving her a short, simple kiss on the lips. „You're beautiful today."

She smiles at the sweet compliment and squeezes his hand. „Thank you but you're only saying that to 69 me later," she breathes.

„Absolutely."

….

Dinner is fantastic. Tom takes Olivia to a small Italian restaurant. The place is packed and when the food is served the brunette knows why. It is authentic Italian cuisine, full of flavor and aroma. The wine menu is great, too. After food and conversation they end up in one of the few bars around town, a place with many booths and even more patrons. They are lucky to even find a table. Tom nurses a couple of beers, Olivia orders a rum and coke. By the time they arrive back at the house both of them are pleasantly buzzed. And damn, he sixty-nines the hell out of her. Well, actually they sixty-nine the hell out of each other. For as much as Olivia had thought of it as a joke between them, intoxicated she had definitely wanted it no less than Tom who had, albeit cautious, brought it up as he had felt her up.

Now, laying in bed on her back, panting and with her head cocked to look at him she sports a stupid grin.

„What?" He asks with a chuckle, panting equally hard.

„That was… something" It's definitely worth a repetition she thinks.

„It was," Tom agrees and wraps his arm around her middle, pulls her close and kisses her slowly and deeply. Olivia can taste herself on his tongue and that alone is quite a turn on. „Something good?"

„Very good," she breathes into his mouth. „Gotta do that more often kind of good."

„I won't complain." His hand snakes to her naked ass and rubs her buttock. „You're fantastic, you know that?"

„Hm, you're not so bad yourself," she grins and teasingly bites down on his bottom lip. A slight chill comes over her body as she calms down and her heart rate goes back to normal. When she shivers Tom pulls the covers around them, all the way up to their shoulders and caresses her arm.

„Are you happy?" She needs to ask although this morning she had heard him tell his mother that he is. It did sound genuine. But Olivia really wants to look into his eyes when he answers. At the question he stops and scrutinizes her.

„Where's that coming from?"

„I don't know. I was just…. wondering." Tom's hand comes up to Olivia's face and he strokes her cheek, then combs her mussed hair back.

„I am very, very happy," he assures and kisses her lips. „Are you?"

Closing her eyes she breathes out and nods her head, puts her forehead against his. „The happiest I've ever been," she whispers.

….

 **End Notes:**

 **Very curious to find out what you guys think, drop me a review? And in case you haven't seen it yet, I've got a new Story on here as well, 4 chapters in, it's titled 'Loss' and I think it's going to be darn interesting. No Tom but Elliot's back in it, so maybe that's something for you guys. I'd be happy if you headed over there - and give it a try, let me know what you think, if you like it, don't like it...if it's too heavy, if it's interesting. Yeah, that's totally advertising on my part.**


	68. Bad Mood

**Author's notes: Wow, you guys have been terrific with the reviews. It is so interesting to see how different the opinions are. Some of you don't want me to hurt hem (like I'm doing anything, please... I'm harmless. I think), others live for the drama. We'll have drama but I'm not gonna sink this ship. I hope you'll have that much faith in me.**

 **Also: Rebecca is back. I like her and I figured these two women need to bond more.**

 **If you want to set the mood for the last 3rd of this story, I've listened to "I would die for you" by Miley Cyrus for this chapter. It's an incredibly beautiful song and it just gives me all the feels.**

 **...**

On the next day when Rebecca comes over with Abigail Olivia tries not to flirt with the little girl for a total of two minutes. She's just too darn cute and the brunette Lieutenant thinks what the heck. She is not going to cold shoulder a perfectly angelic and lovely baby girl just because Alice could get the wrong impression again and mistake her behavior for baby fever. Also she doesn't have to hold back for long anyway as Tom and Alice go outside to get the high bed in the backyard ready for winter.

„You're just so cute, do you know that?" Olivia asks the little girl who grins and squeals her agreement.

„You should ask her what her name is," Rebecca chuckles, watching her brother's girlfriend with her little girl. For the past couple of weeks Abi refers to herself by her own name and it sounds adorable.

„Shall we try that? What's your name? Can you tell me?"

The little one cackles and Olivia's heart jumps at the picture of that face and the sounds coming from such a tiny person. „Apitel," Abigail finally says and points at herself. Laughing Olivia looks at Rebecca who is as proud as amused.

„That's right honey, you're Abigail. You're such a smart girl." Again Abigail cackles and laughs and Olivia takes one of the cheese crackers and puts it in her chubby fingers. „There you go, you like these, don't you?" Shifting the little one onto her other hip, Olivia faces Rebecca. „She's amazing."

„You don't have to convince me," the strawberry-blonde beams proudly. „Although she has her moments of driving me very close to insanity."

„Ah, yeah… the terrible two's, eh? Trust me, if you think that's bad you're not going to like her becoming four, five. Noah's a willful child and I guess that's a good thing but when he challenges me I'm so lost sometimes."

„Sounds like me when I'm trying to strap her into her car seat. I think the neighbors get worried I'm trying to murder my child the way she screams."

„At least she doesn't give you attitude yet," Olivia rolls her eyes but smiles. „When Noah doesn't want something or wants something he can't have for that matter…don't ask," she shakes her head. „It's all ‚I don't like you' and ‚if you don't give me that pudding I'm not going to cuddle with you tonight'. Which probably just proves that I'm threatening and bribing him too much, though I'd never say I won't cuddle with you."

„Charming."

„Very, especially when he throws a tantrum. Last week he wrecked his entire room and I just… what do you do? Ranting, yelling, talking about it… none of it helps. So I'm just praying he'll outgrow that phase quickly. Tom seems to handle him better than I do, he's more patient in these situations."

„Sounds like Walt, he sometimes says I should relax. Easy to say when he only has her every other weekend, right?"

„Speaking of which… how's that all going?" Olivia scrutinizes the other woman that seems to try to hide behind the rim of her coffee mug at the question. It's all the confirmation the brunette needs. At the funeral and the day after when Walt had brought Abigail over in the morning Olivia had instantly picked up on the vibes of secrecy.

„We get along better," the younger woman states, playing nonchalant.

„Yeah, I thought so." Olivia weighs her options, wondering if she should just let it rest or say what's so crystal clear. She decides for a middle way.

„Does Tom know?" It implies that there is something to know. Something beyond just getting along better.

Rebecca cradles the ceramic mug in both of her hands and looks at Olivia who just holds her eye. It's the strawberry blonde who cracks. „How do you know?"

Olivia gives a little shrug. „I'm a cop, watching and reading people comes with the territory."

„Does everyone else know?"

„I doubt it, it was subtle enough I think." Olivia can literally see the tension fall off of the other woman. „So, are you back together? You don't have to tell me, of course," she says quickly. It's none of her business after all.

„I don't know," Rebecca says with a brief chuckle. „We're not really talking about that. Or anything," she admits heavily. „It's just…you know…" Sex. It's just sex. It seems to Olivia that Rebecca is glad to talk about it. Keeping something like this from everyone is emotionally challenging, especially when you feel the need to talk about it to someone. „So clearly Tom doesn't know, he'd… he wouldn't think it's a good idea. And probably it's not it's just…," the younger woman exhales heavily. „Could you not say anything to him?"

„Of course not. He won't hear a thing from me." If she had felt that need to talk about what she had seen transpire between the estranged couple she would have done it by now. It's not her place to fill Tom in, Rebecca will have to do that in her own time.

„Thanks," the younger woman says with a small smile that has a sad quality to it. „Not the best impression I make here, hm?"

Olivia, confused, knits her brows and then scoffs. „Please. There are worse things than falling into bed with your estranged husband. I mean, it could be the ex-husband." It's a terrible joke but at least Rebecca laughs, a little snort coming through her nose.

„At this point it looks like that's where we're headed." They are sleeping together but of course sex has never once resolved anything.

„Doesn't sound like you're so okay with that."

„I never asked for a divorce so," the younger woman shrugs as Abigail starts to fuss in Olivia's arm, a slobbery cracker still in her little fist. She puts the little girl down and instantly she's bolting to the living room where a box of her toys is at the ready. „I don't even know what I'm doing." Rebecca doesn't want to share so much of her private life, at least not to Olivia, but right now she is the only one who knows and it looks like she is willing to listen. The strawberry-blonde can't tell her closest friends because they'd give her hell for sleeping with Walt after what he's pulled. And Tom is the one person she really doesn't want to tell this time, knowing he'd only be worried for her.

„Has it been going on for long?"

„Started after Dad died. He brought Abigail back the day after and stayed until after her bedtime, helping me a bit. Walt was close to my father they really liked each other so it hit him hard, too. You know how it goes, he comforted me or maybe we were comforting each other and one thing led to another. So, now that's where we are. He comes over two, three times a week and…"

Olivia nods in understanding. „I get it. I've been there a few times myself so… obviously not with a husband but I do know how it feels to want to hold on to _something_."

„I thought maybe it's enough to…"

„Reconcile?"

Rebecca swallows thickly and nods, her sad expression telling Olivia that it's obviously not the case. It is clear as day that Tom's sister tries to keep it together. „Sorry, you don't wanna hear about all that."

„No. No, it's fine, Rebecca," Olivia assures. She may not be the kind of person who puts her personal life on the display like that but if she is one thing then it's a good listener. Olivia walks closer and offers a comforting hand, rubbing the other woman's upper arm.

„I wish I knew what it means. Like… I wanted to talk about it but he said we shouldn't make a good thing complicated. Like it's not already complicated," she chuckles sadly.

„You should just really watch out for yourself. Don't get yourself hurt over this."

„It's crazy, right? I'm not this kind of person - or maybe I am. I keep telling myself I should stop if he's not even willing to talk about us. But then when he's there…"

„Love can be the best and the worst thing."

„Yeah," Rebecca whispers and quickly wipes at a lone tear. „Sorry."

„Don't be. If you ever… you know… need to talk - I'll listen. I can't promise I'll be much help but I'm a good listener."

„Thank you," Rebecca says softly, gratefully. „I… erm… I actually was meaning to um… ask you if we could talk. Not about this, not this time either just… maybe next time you're here. In a more private setting." Which meant not here at the house, not with her mother or Tom present.

„Oh. Yes. Sure, of course," Olivia agrees, wondering what it might be about. „I'll let you know next time we're headed up here and we can figure something out."

„That'd be great. Thanks."

„You're welcome," the brunette assures when they hear something shatter in the other room.

„Ah shit," Rebecca sighs and rushes off to inspect the damage done by her two-year-old.

….

It's two weeks later and for the third day in the row they are searching a piece of forest for Taylor Reid including man-trailers and cadaver dogs. It's close to eight in the evening when Amanda's call comes in that another day has gone by with no trace of the girl. Three days, no hits but a lot of personnel and money wasted. It's not yet been decided if they will continue on the next day. Olivia starts to think that maybe their lead is cold.

Glancing at the clock on her laptop she decides to call it a day, hoping Dodds is not going to contact her once the news reach him. She can just imagine how thrilled he will be. Yet another slap on the wrist is something she can't do with today. Sighing she takes off her glasses and shuts down the laptop. The paperwork on her desk has grown into a vast pile. Lately she is tilting at windmills.

Olivia switches off her desk lamp, packs up her personal items including her glasses and her phone and finally heads out. Carisi is at his desk, typing away on his computer. Since they have had a serious talk after his transgression at the meeting he's been trying to redeem himself by putting in a lot of extra work, something she has never asked of him. As far as Olivia is concerned they are good.

„Carisi, go home," she tells her detective.

„I was just going to finish…"

„That was an order," Olivia clarifies. That seems to do the trick because Carisi turns to look at her and gives a nod in understanding. She offers a smile, one that shows how tired she is but a smile nonetheless. „Good night, Sonny," she calls over her shoulder and walks towards the exit door. All she wants tonight is a bite to eat and sleep. Maybe a bath. It's only Tuesday and Olivia is about ready for this week to end.

Her focus has been shit all week. Actually she feels like she has been useless ever since Alice's conversation with Tom. Olivia had managed not to think about it for a day, maybe two, but like everything unwanted it has crept back into her mind time and time again. It's only one more thing that has the Lieutenant terribly on edge. Yesterday at the park Tom has flirted heavily with one-year-old twins, engrossed in a full-blown conversation with their mother. Maybe Olivia was making stuff up but she swears she has seen the longing in Tom's eyes then, especially when the other woman had asked him if he had kids and he told her no, unfortunately he doesn't.

 _Unfortunately._

Tom had seemed perfectly fine after the conversation when his attention had shifted back to Olivia but if that hasn't been a kick in the teeth, then Olivia doesn't know what else. Of course Tom had been unaware, which is probably for the best. As much as it keeps Olivia occupied, she won't bring it to the table, scared of what he might say if they discussed the issue. By now she is pissed at herself. It's such a stupid thing to do, not talk about it when she knows she really should. Especially because she prides herself on having that kind of relationship with Tom where they can discuss anything. On her ride home Olivia chides herself once more to finally let it go. _„He is happy,"_ she tells herself. Repeatedly. _„He's happy, he's happy, he's happy. He's happy!"_ God, she should just have a drink at home, bury her face in his neck, get lost in the amazing scent that's him and his aftershave and relax in his arms. Although she has tried that and it didn't help much. At least not for long.

November has come and brought cold winds and a lot of rain with it. Despite the black wool coat and the scarf Olivia is shaking in the car, waiting for the heating to kick in. Traffic is a mess is still a mess at this hour but forty-five minutes later she finds a parking space a block from her apartment. When she walks past one of her hotspots for Chinese her stomach growls but with Tom spending the night she is positive that he has thrown something together for dinner to feed himself and Noah. She does however grab a bottle of her favorite wine at the corner store.

Exhausted, hungry and ready for a quiet evening she turns the key in the lock only to find Tom and Noah sitting on the floor, playing. Is he serious?

„Mommy," her son pipes up in his spiderman pajamas and jumps to his feet. The boy hurls himself around her middle and hugs her so hard that she can hardly keep her balance.

„Hey sweet boy," she greets. While happy to see him Olivia is bummed that Noah is still up although it is way past his bedtime. Instead it seems like they rang in playtime, at least that's what the scatters trucks, dinosaurs and cars imply. Tom turns and greets her with a smile, something that's hard for her to reciprocate at the moment. There goes her evening.

„Hey," he waves.

„Hey," she breathes out and unbuttons her coat.

„Mama, come on, look what Tom got me." His excitement over whatever it is isn't as infectious tonight. While his mother puts her coat on the rack and unzips her boots Noah runs off to his room, only to come back out with a big ass Paw Patrol ship. The one that she had told Noah on Saturday she wasn't going to buy because it is too expensive but he could put it on his wish list for Santa. Noah had wanted it for months now, apparently it's the next huge thing and a lot of his friends from school have it, too. While she could be happy for her son all she feels is overlooked. Honestly, she can't remember when she last felt so disappointed. Had Tom not been standing right by her side at the store two days ago when she had very firmly told Noah no? All of it to go and buy it for him without consulting with her before the purchase? Her gaze flits back and forth between Noah and his new toy and Tom. The brunette can't take the toy away from her son, it's not Noah's fault after all. So for now Olivia does the one thing she can do - she puts on a brave face.

„Wow, look at that." She sounds about as unimpressed as she is but inspects the mountain of plastic. Sometimes she wonders whatever happened to her son's interest in wood blocks.

„Look, it has wheels. When you push it down it's a ship and the wheels come back out when you slide this back," he explains, puts the toy down and shows her.

„That's neat," she tells him and smiles tightly at him when he looks up. „Anyway, time for bed. Did you brush your teeth?"

„Yes but I had a snack after."

Great. Just Great. Olivia wonders why she even sets up rules if nobody adheres to them. No snacks after brushing his teeth. Tom knows that. It's something that's important to her.

„He said he was still hungry so I gave him a cracker," Tom explains, sensing that Olivia isn't too happy about it.

Right now Olivia doesn't have anything nice to say so she takes Thumper's words to heart and decides not to say anything. Her priority is to get her child into bed because it's almost nine and it's a school night. Naturally Olivia will have to deal with a cranky kid come morning.

„Come on, Noah. Let's go brush your teeth _again_." The ‚again' has a bit of a bite to it but if Tom has heard it he doesn't show it, not even when Olivia makes it a point not to look at her partner as she brushes past him, her son in tow. When they return from the bathroom Olivia tells Noah to say goodnight to Tom and the little boy does so by flinging his arms around Tom.

„Shall I tuck him in for you?" The mood has shifted for sure and he hopes that if he takes over and gives her a few minutes the atmosphere will relax.

„No, thanks." The words are slightly cold and her gaze intense. Tom thinks they are probably going to have a rather serious conversation later. He didn't meant to upset Olivia in any way. Probably there is an apology in order. And a back rub.

Olivia spends fifteen minutes in her son's room, reading a short story to him. Since it's way past his bedtime he is fast asleep within ten. Olivia uses the extra five to talk herself out of her irritation. _„It's not worth a fight,"_ she tells herself. And deep down she knows Tom meant well - all of it. But well meant is not well executed in this case. And by God, she is upset. Tom has walked all over her in more than one way. By the time she is ready to come back out she is willing to let it go.

Tom is picking up the last of her son's toys and she makes her way to the kitchen, not saying a word. Right now she simply wants five minutes to herself. She finds leftovers of lasagna in the fridge, cuts a square and puts it in the microwave. There are still dishes in the sink that haven't been cleaned and although she has no motivation and energy left for it she turns on the faucet. When arms snake around her she jumps. Her boiling anger has manifested to the point that she didn't even pay attention to Tom coming nearer. Letting go apparently is not as easy as she had hoped.

„Let me take care of that. I didn't get to it before," he says softly.

„It's fine, I'll do it." By the sound of her voice Tom can tell his girlfriend is detaching.

„It's late, you just came home."

„Oh, trust me I know that." She definitely hasn't let anything go. Tom stands in front of her with that lost puppy look and it does nothing to soften her up. Good intentions or not, she is pissed, tired, disappointed and right now she doesn't care if he gets a taste of it.

„Look, I'm sorry, I know he should've been in bed but he wanted to show you his new toy and…" In an instant she turns because at the word toy she goes off like a shaken soda can.

„Why would you do that? It's past nine Tom, it's a school night, do you know how cranky and tired he is going to be tomorrow morning?" She runs a hand through her hair and when he speaks she thinks that she really doesn't want to hear his reasons. Noah has to get up at six o'clock and more often than not it's a problem in itself when he goes to bed on time.

„It was an exception, I told him that. It won't happen again." There is little Tom can say in his defense. Clearly Olivia isn't happy with him and he'll suck it up if it means she'll move on.

„Damn right Tom, it's not going to happen again. We have a few rules here, you know that. Noah knows that. And following through sucks, I know that it's way easier to give into what he wants all the time but that's not how it works with kids, okay? Because before you know what the hell is happening the entire routine is shaken up and it's discussions and tears and fights every night. I've been there and things are exhausting enough lately it doesn't help that you make exceptions for him all the time." Olivia tries to keep the volume of her voice in check, then turns around, turns off the water and adds dish soap. Having something to focus on hardly helps with her roaring waves of ire.

„It's really not all the time, Liv."

Scoffing she grabs the dishrag and looks at Tom, not quite believing her hears. „Please, those were three exceptions in a single day. How hard can it be to stick to his routine?"

„Is this about the cracker?"

„Yes, it's about the cracker!" It's not just about the cracker of course, it's one of many very small things that have accumulated to a very big thing. He has caught her at a very bad time. It's only Tuesday and it feels like her entire week is ruined.

„I told you he was still hungry," Tom appeases. Turns out doing the right thing isn't as easy as one might think. He figured a hungry kid should be fed. Seems he was wrong.

„He wasn't hungry, he wanted to snack and if you would have put him to bed at 7:30, the way you were supposed to, he would have slept and not needed a goddamn cracker."

„Are we really going to fight about this? I apologized. I am sorry," he tries and makes an attempt to wrap his arms around her but the walls are up sky high. By the glare she gives him he thinks she's going to jump at him any second.

„Don't, seriously. I'm not in the mood." In this type of situation she can't stand to be crowded. Olivia just needs a way to blow off some steam, even if it's through washing the dishes - or ranting at Tom. It's strange because they have rarely fought in the time they have been together.

„Olivia," he tries. „I… I don't know what else to say. I am sorry." The words are sincere, Olivia knows they are, but she is too upset and on top of it she is gutted. Logic doesn't do much for her at the moment. She is far from thinking rationally. So she brings the next thing to the table, seeing that they're already at it. Because why not?

„The ship," she says but this time she is calm. „You couldn't have checked with me before buying that for him?"

„Now that's an issue, too?" Tom is pretty bummed and rubs his hand against his forehead. It was meant to be a nice gesture. Tom had seen how much Noah had wanted the Sea Patroller and how sad he was when Olivia said no. To him it hadn't been a big deal.

„What do you think?" Crossing her arms over her chest Olivia gives him a stare that might as well say: ‚Are you actually serious?'. „I explained to him on Saturday why he couldn't have it, he was supposed to get it for Christmas and you figured what? That it would be a brilliant idea to go behind my back, buy him something that's quite expensive just because he wants it and make sure I don't have a single clue what to purchase for Christmas next month."

„You're angry…" You don't need to be Sherlock to come to that conclusion. She's pretty damned disgruntled with him.

„No, Tom," she corrects, although she is, too. In fact she is beyond angry. While everything at work is going wrong and Dodds is constantly giving her hell for it, especially with the Reid case and all the pressure from the media, all she needed was for everything to run smoothly at home. Not more, not less. Just for her to come home and see things are taken care of. To see they are not is just too much. She is home late every day, working her butt of thinking she can rely on Tom. And obviously she can't. „I'm appalled. I can't believe you didn't discuss this with me."

„I didn't know it would be such a big deal," he says, wondering how this is blowing out of proportion quickly. He has gotten toys for Noah before and it's never been an issue - or if it has she didn't say it out loud. He likes to spoil the kid a little, he does the same with Abigail. Probably he should check with Olivia in the future. The last thing Tom wants is a repeat of this. The worst part is that he has no idea how to get Olivia to calm down. He can't remember ever seeing her so upset.

„Well, it is, Tom. What is all of this about? Buying him a shitload of toys, letting him stay up way past his bedtime, snacks after brushing his teeth, letting him watch TV in the middle of the night-," she really shouldn't drag the TV thing up because she hadn't said anything at Alice's when Tom had told her. But she is very far from rational. She doesn't lose her shit often but when she does she's on a roll.

„That was one time," he argues. „And if that was a problem you should have-," he starts but Olivia won't let him finish and cuts him short instead.

„That's not the point! Are you really that insecure that you have to buy his affection with toys and candy and bend every rule in place?" Right in this moment Olivia should recognize the situation for what it is: a trainwreck about to happen. But she doesn't.

„What? Are you serious?" He's chuckling although he only feels lost after hearing that reproach. It's not even funny anymore. Is this truly what she thinks? That he is doing these things to impress Noah and get his affection?

„Don't you even realize that you _always_ do that?" This is what she is resorting to - generalizations. Of course Olivia knows that Tom doesn't always do these things but while she's at it she might as well milk it.

„Now hold on," Tom says, getting pretty worked up himself. „If you're not happy with the way I handled things then I'm open to criticism and I'll make sure it won't happen again but what you do isn't entirely fair, Olivia. When I don't do things the way you think I should then say it right away, not weeks and months later."

„I shouldn't need to have to say it," she raises her voice. „And do you think I want to be the kind of person who constantly bitches over everything you do?"

„Everything?" He huffs and can't believe it. If this is truly how she thinks about him then that's pretty fucked up.

„Yes, everything Tom! I know this is your first trip on the merry-go-round of parenting but it isn't that hard to do what I ask you to do. And if you can't you maybe shouldn't watch _my_ child and screw it all up so you get to be the cool boyfriend because it makes me the bad guy for saying no and adhering to our routine."

This hits home. Both, the insinuation that he does things the way he does to be some sort of favorite for Noah and then her pointing out it is her child. While the latter is of course true, it hurts not less to have it thrown in his face.

„Wow… Thanks for that. I wasn't aware that trying to help was so wrong," he says, his feelings deeply hurt. „You may not see it but I'm actually trying my best here to form a bond with him, be there for him, take responsibility," he points out.

And then it's like she's standing on the tracks and a train runs square towards her. „Well, no-one ever asked you to, Tom. You're not his father, we were just fine without you helping out."

The very second the words are out Olivia knows that she has just made a big, big mistake. She sees it in the way her boyfriend pales, the last bit of color draining from his face. It's in the way his jaw sets and his eyes cloud before they start swimming in moisture. She could have put her fist in his face and it probably would have hurt less.

„Well, if that's how you see it I should probably go," he manages. The realization is sobering. He's not needed. At least not as someone who wants to be part of this family. It has probably suited Olivia quite well when it had been just them.

„Tom-," she chokes out, feeling sick over what she had just said to him. Physically shaking she takes a step towards him.

 _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

„No, Olivia. We obviously don't have the same idea of building a future together," he tells her and turns. All he knows it that he needs to get out of here. No way can he stand another minute in the same room with her. God, she's got some nerve. He crosses the living room with long strides and grabs his jacket despite her protest.

„Tom wait," she says, walking after him. „I didn't…that came out wrong-," she tried, panicking a little inside when she realizes he is about to leave.

„Did it, though?" He asks, glaring at her before he shakes head sadly. „Of all the things you could have said…" She chose to throw his failure to be a father and more importantly his desire to become a small family with her and Noah in his face. Like it is worth nothing, the entire idea ridiculous. And while Tom had gladly taken responsibility by watching Noah when Olivia had to work late or was on call he can't quite believe that she has taken it for granted. It almost feels like he has imposed on her whenever he offered. „I wasn't aware it meant that little to you."

„It doesn't. Tom please, I never meant to say-," this time she is cut off by him and when she reaches for him he goes as far as pushing her hand away. It's not in an aggressive way, just a very clear signal that her touch is unwanted.

„Don't. Just _please_ don't say anything because no matter what it is, right now you can only make it worse." He is done. Whatever she has got to say he doesn't want to hear it. He checks his pockets for his keys and phone, realizing he has everything important on him.

„Tom, you can't just go, please we need to talk about this, if you'd just let me explain-„ He is out the door then and it falls shut behind him with a echoing thud. For a moment Olivia is paralyzed. What the hell had just transpired between them. What in God's name had she been thinking to say something like that?

She hadn't been thinking. That was the issue, she had let her anger get the best of her and ran her mouth without thinking for a fraction of a second. And she hadn't even meant it. When Olivia finally realizes she can move it occurs to her that she can't even go after him. She can't possibly leave Noah alone here and by now Tom is probably out of the building.

 _Shit._

This can't be happening. Shakily she exhales and runs her palm across her mouth, trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to do now. The conversation plays over and over again in her mind, making her head spin. Olivia knows exactly what she had said and how it had sounded.

 _If you want to play Daddy you're barking up the wrong tree._

The hurt that had played out on his face is an image Olivia will never forget. All she can think about is how she is going to make this right. Should she call him or leave him be for now? One thing is for sure, they need to talk about this. Tom has to give her the chance to explain herself and most importantly apologize.

Olivia has completely and utterly overreacted and made Tom sound like a terrible person, unable to take care of her child. Jesus, she lost her shit over a cracker and stupid toy. In hindsight her reaction is ludicrous. Olivia has made her share of mistakes in her life but this one she thinks is taking the cake. The more she thinks about it, the more she feels sick to her stomach. God, he had looked so crestfallen at her accusations, especially when she had told him they don't need him. She is responsible for the look on his face, for the sadness, the tears in his eyes. It all catches up to her at a sickening speed. Ten seconds later she sits on her couch, worrying her bottom lip and tears rolling down her cheeks as she's trying to figure out what she is going to do next. To think she won't be able to resolve this fight with him tonight and have him go to bed angry with her physically hurts. She didn't want for them to part ways tonight. And least of all like this. How did it get so out of control? Has the thought that Tom deserves to have a child of his own manifested so much that subconsciously she sabotaged her relationship? Because who says things like that? What the hell has gotten into her to say something so hurtful and stupid? So maybe she wasn't happy with some of the decisions Tom has made but isn't that something that comes with parenting together? Different opinions, different approaches that ultimately lead to different boundaries?

Now when it's too late she thinks of these things. And of things she could have said and done instead. She could have just told Tom that he'll deal with a cranky Noah in the morning, that she's out when it comes to that. She could have ranted at the toy and moved on. They could have had an honest and adult conversation about parenting and their individual experiences and expectations and work to find a middle way that would be okay with the both of them. Instead she had taken the ticking time bomb approach that had eventually blown up and left scorched earth behind. A small part of Olivia hopes Tom will come back. That hopefully he only needs half an hour in fresh air to breathe and get in the right mindset to talk. But when an hours passes that hope dwindles. He is not going to come back. Her best shot now is to try an call him. He doesn't pick up on the first, second or third try. When she dials his number a fourth time his mailbox picks up. Clearly he is not willing to talk to her and that scares Olivia immensely. Her boyfriend is never not one to talk things out.

All she can do is wait until tomorrow and catch him right after school at his place if he won't get in touch with her until then. One thing is for sure, Olivia isn't going to close an eye tonight and sit in her bed of misery.

…..

„One more." Three shots of whisky in the sting of Olivia's words starts to fade a little, however a fourth isn't going to hurt. Just to be sure he will find any sleep at all later on. After leaving his girlfriend's apartment Tom had sought out the first bar on his way home. His Ford is still parked a couple of blocks from Liv's place. He'll likely pick the vehicle up tomorrow. The bartender already slides another shot glass across the bar and Tom picks it up without a second thought and downs it, welcoming the slight burn of the rather cheap label. It does the job, after all he hasn't come here to indulge in a good drop of alcohol. He is here to take the edge off. To forget.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, closes his eyes. The memory is still fresh, the wounds raw. It hadn't been enough that Olivia made it a point to remind Tom that Noah is _her_ son. No, she rubbed salt into the wound by telling him he is not needed. It makes him wonder if she ever had the desire to include him in her and Noah's life at all. Truly include him. Build a family of their own, the three of them, his siblings and his mother. Maybe a cat.

Thinking back he remembers clear as day that she said she needed someone who understood she has to put Noah first and that whoever came into her life couldn't just have her but that she is a packaged deal. Where the hell had he gone wrong? So maybe he made mistakes and didn't handle some things the way Olivia imagined, but does it vindicate such cruel behavior? If she has changed her mind she could have talked to him. Heartbroken as he would have been he would have understood. But this? This he doesn't understand. Not at all.

Between feeling like shit for his inability to take care of Noah in a way that would have made Olivia happy and feeling like he got his heart ripped out, stomped upon and flushed in the toilet he is at a loss for what is going to come next. Where does this leave them? As much as he loves her, Tom doesn't think he can take it - knowing that he doesn't live up to her expectations when it comes to Noah and more importantly that he isn't even needed, not wanted like an actual part of them.

Tom plays with his shot glass, rolling it between his thumb and index finger. Maybe he should have another. He's no less miserable than before, just warmer.

Three more and he's buzzed enough to call it a night but not nearly intoxicated enough to want to talk to Olivia. He ignores three of her calls and then switches off his phone. Having important conversations drunk is never a good idea. Also he really does not want to talk to her right now. Truth is, if he has to get into it tonight he's going to break down and cry. The very last thing he needs is for Olivia to see him cry.

Five years ago he had thought he felt the worst he possibly could. It's now that Tom realizes it had not even been close. Being left by your girlfriend of seven years, the woman you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with is one thing. Finding out the woman you love doesn't think much of your qualities as the guy ready to step up to the plate and raise her son with her is the real kicker. Olivia had basically picked him to pieces. She wouldn't even hear any of his apologies, no matter what he said, she simply moved on to the next thing that he'd done wrong. Somehow it seems there is no way to come back from this.

Stumbling on home doesn't help when it comes to perspective. When Tom opens the door to his small apartment he's still no wiser than before. He already fails at the mere thought of looking Olivia in the eyes. He is ashamed, heartbroken and angry alike.

It's funny how things can change. Just a few hours ago he had been happy, thinking what a lucky bastard he is. Now he isn't even sure if he still has a girlfriend. This relationship has more than just a few cracks now. It might just be shattered.

Tom tosses his keys into the small wooden bowl on the cabinet in his living room, takes off his jacket and heads straight for the kitchen drawer where he finds an old pack of cigarettes and a lighter. A few puffs and he at least feels a little calmer than before, not like he is about to lose his fucking mind.

Maybe, he thinks, he should call in sick tomorrow. At least then he won't have to face Olivia in the morning. It's a delay tactic but if it can buy him a few hours that's a start. It's not like he could focus anyway, least of all with Noah in class. With a last deep drag of his cigarette Tom leans back against his fridge, muttering obscenities into his kitchenette. He fishes his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and contemplates to switch it back on. What are the odds that she is going to try and call him again? It's well after midnight by now. Olivia is probably in bed, enjoying a night of proper sleep now that she got to say everything that pissed her off.

He shakes his head and decides not to turn it back on. He puts out the cigarette on a plate and heads for his bedroom, realizing that the alcohol does its job now that he's come in from the cold. Tom doesn't bother to undress, he simply falls into his bed, folds his hands behind his head and stares up at the ceiling that gets more and more blurry.

…..

 **End Notes: Well, here they are, pretty much screwed, eh. What do you guys think, was she right to be pissed? I'm curious to hear what you think.**


	69. Pieces of us

Notes: your responses to the last chapter have been amazing we're also very close to 500 reviews - that's because of you lovely people! thank you!

...

Ultimately Tom goes to work the next morning despite a bit of a hangover and his reluctance to see Olivia at school where they won't be able to talk anyway. He hasn't made up his mind if that is a good or a bad thing. Their eyes lock only briefly when Olivia drops Noah off. In the next second a colleague asks Tom for a minute of his time. By the time he looks back to the door Olivia is gone. After he had turned off his phone last night Olivia had left him a message, asking him if they can please talk about it. Talking would be the sound thing to do. However, Olivia's words have cut deep and Tom isn't entirely sure if he's ready to get into it yet. Not because of Olivia. He needs to think about everything that has been said first. Preferably sober.

With most of the things Olivia has said she has had a point, Tom knows that despite his initial shock over everything she had brought to the table. He wishes she would have discussed some of these things sooner. In hindsight buying the toy was stupid. He really should have known better than that. But none of it changes that the things his girlfriend had said hurt him deeply and made him doubt if Olivia even wants him as an integral part of Noah's life. Since he seems to be doing everything wrong in her eyes that one is probably a hard no. And while Tom has clearly made mistakes and is ready to own up to them and willing to change he has his doubts that Olivia claiming they don't need him is fixable. If he is not needed then what is the point? Tom has never meant to be just the boyfriend who's in it for the fun and easy times. For him it has always been clear that he wants all or nothing.

It is not surprising that Olivia is in front of his door in the afternoon. She looks tired and frazzled, telling him that they need to talk. The whole thing is inevitable so he walks back inside his living room wordlessly and lets her in. When he faces her and crosses his arms there are too many emotions wrapped into one. Apprehension, love, anger, sadness - you name it. What he sees in Olivia is clearly worry. It's funny how one look at her can break his heart.

Olivia looks crestfallen as she closes the door and leans against it, worrying her bottom lip. Unsure where to start she swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. Finally she takes a few more steps into the room. She leaves her wool coat on for now although she is hot all over after coming in from the cold.

The night had been terrible. Olivia had barely slept at all and she still feels the aftermath of it now, especially with it being a work day. She had replayed the fight over and over again, coming to the conclusion that some of her anger and the disappointment hadn't been unfounded but she shouldn't have unleashed it like she had. Least of all she should have stressed that Noah was her son and that nobody asked Tom for his help, that they were just fine on their own. Of course they had managed just fine before Tom had entered her life but it had never been Olivia's ideal vision. What mother wouldn't want a father for their child? Someone loving and responsible. While Tom may have made some mistakes he is loving. And he is not irresponsible. He's just… different. Often Tom has a different approach to things. Sometimes that is a blessing and sometimes… Sometimes it's something that bothers Olivia. The thing is, she had truly never told him when something bothered her. She usually brushed it off and decided she'd bring it up if it happened again. She let things accumulate. The accumulation of things Olivia hadn't liked in the past combined with the stress she is experiencing at work of late and the situation she has walked into last night had caused her to blow up. It could have been just a fight. Something to get out of her system and for them to discuss later. Only she had hurt Tom far worse than she had intended. The words would have been wrong if it had been just anybody but with Tom and his personal history they seemed a million times worse. It's something Olivia had felt last night when Tom had left. It is also something she feels right now.

Tom is not a person that likes avoidance. He is not the type to avoid having a conversation. But what she had said had obviously crossed the line to the point he hadn't been ready to face the accusations. He had chosen flight instead. And it is hard for Olivia to hold it against him. For all the hours she had used to reflect on the situation last night and all day today seeing Tom standing there so lost and feeling his detachment makes it hard to find a starting point for a conversation. Maybe she should start with the most obvious thing. The fight and her explanations rattled through her head. Eventually Olivia sighs softly, frustrated with herself. She has Tom's full attention but that might change if she doesn't speak soon.

„I am so sorry for what I said there and I didn't mean it." Uncharacteristically Olivia's voice sounds small. „I was-," she blows out a breath, because bearing her soul has never come easy to her. She hardly ever does it but when Tom's expression doesn't soften at her words she realizes this is one of the times that she will have to. „I was under a lot of pressure last night and I took that out on you." He doesn't flinch and Olivia realizes that Tom's walls are all up high but he changes his stance and shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

„Why would you say something like that if you didn't mean it on some level?" They both know what he is referring to but he wants to make it crystal clear. „I've done my thinking and you are right, I should have stuck with your rules. I'm probably too lenient with him. And I definitely see that it was a mistake to buy him that Sea Patroller without discussing it with you - I am sorry for that. But if I made so many mistakes then I wish you would have brought it up sooner. And I get it, he's your son," he stresses that. „- But I thought we had the same idea of… I don't know… of what we are or where we're headed, Noah included. To find out I was wrong and that I'm not wanted or needed - if that is how you feel, that's not something I can change but to hear it like that…"

„Tom, no… I…" This is something she needs to set straight. Because it isn't like this at all. „I am not proud of that side that came out last night. I felt so overwhelmed because I thought I was coming home to Noah in bed and I just wanted dinner and a shower and us. And that was not what I walked into and I just - I didn't even want to bring it up and fight but…" Olivia blows out a breath. „I've bottled some things up for some time and that toy specifically was some sort of catalyst. And I know that doesn't justify what I said but I'd really like to explain that to you." When Olivia scrutinizes him she feels that she can continue. While Tom hasn't softened at all, he hasn't closed off any more either. Under her coat she gets warmer and warmer.

„I grew up with an abusive mother - that was physical at times but mostly verbal. And while I hated her for it I have picked some things up - like… knowing what buttons to push. How to aim where I know it hurts. And that's not something that happens consciously but it happens when I'm worked up enough, when I feel unstable enough." Quickly she wipes at a tear that rolls down her cheek at what she is admitting. Olivia's mother had perfected hurting her with nothing but words for many years. Some of the things will forever cut deep so Olivia knows first hand that no apology in the world can take back that pain or rebuild the confidence that can get lost. The trust that gets shaken up. Realizing that she has used what she had learned decades ago from her mother on Tom slices through her. So does the pain he sees reflecting in his eyes, only now it mixes with something that she thinks looks like compassion. „I'm not proud of it," she adds weakly. „It is not an excuse, I realize that, but last night I really needed a quiet night. For Noah to be asleep or at least in bed. I needed a moment to breathe and it felt like I walked into a complete mess." Quite literally she had felt like walking from one mess into the next after her day at work. „And all of a sudden things bubbled up and I should have walked away from it or asked you to leave for the night - anything instead of telling you that we don't need your help." In retrospect everything she had done had gone against every rule when it comes to culture of conflict. She had brought several issues to the table and attacked him for it, resorted to generalizations and hurled words at him that she not only regrets but that were intended to hurt and had nothing to do with the actual issue. Most of all it isn't true. Not at all. And she needs to make him understand that.

 _„You're not his father Tom. We were just fine without you helping out."_ It is still very much stuck in her head and every time Olivia thinks it over it seems worse. It feels worse and makes her feel worse.

…

The abuse Olivia had suffered from her mother is a knockout argument like nothing else. Olivia doesn't talk about her mother a lot. Tom knows very little about Olivia's childhood and her relationship with her mother. Bits and pieces are everything his girlfriend had shared with hlm and in many ways Tom understands. There are things he's not very comfortable discussing, either. Confiding in him that she has picked up certain patterns from her alcoholic and abusive mother, the only parent in her life and no-one else there to protect her, is very much disarming. It is hard to be mad at her when she brings up her past.

Tom has seen a few pictures of Serena Benson. The woman looked very put together and graceful in each and every one of them. For a person who had battled an addiction for more than thirty years she had looked rather healthy and fresh in every picture - not like he'd imagine a drunk at all. When he had carefully voiced those thoughts Olivia had explained that her mother had been a high-functioning alcoholic. Otherwise she couldn't have fooled people long enough to work until retirement, teaching students at Hudson. She didn't drink before work, always careful that her students and fellow professors wouldn't smell anything on her breath. But come afternoon the first thing her mother did was open a bottle of something. Vodka mostly. It is also not the first time Olivia has mentioned the abuse to Tom and working with children he is trained in recognizing signs of domestic abuse. So, he knows the psychological wounds are more permanent than physical signs - they usually have a life long effect.

In a way Tom had always wondered what invisible wounds her mother's treatment had left on Olivia. When she had first told him about her mother and her violent conception through rape he wondered if her initial issues to commit were a result of it. That her upbringing influenced Olivia's adult relationships. And maybe it had seeing that she had admitted to having been single most of her adult life with few mostly short term relationships. But this is something she is now saying out loud, hitting him with painful clarity. She has picked up patterns of communication that aren't healthy, meant to hurt.

When it comes to parents and their children there is always an imbalance in power, even more so when a parent struggles with addiction. While it is always somewhat arbitrary Tom can only imagine how Olivia has been subject to her mother's extremes between loving parent and despicable, abusive drunk.

But even wanting to understand he has a feeling that maybe Olivia didn't just fall victim to a slip of the tongue. He can't shake that beneath the surface there is some truth to her words besides the obvious. Of course he is not Noah's father. That They were fine without him. They don't need him. Things were going a lot better without him. Isn't that what it had boiled down to? That he does everything wrong and she's better off without his help that is none to her? When he wants to speak Olivia beats him to it.

„I needed one thing to go right and when it didn't and things added up-," Olivia shakes her head. „I handled that horribly. I should have talked to you sooner." While her mother's treatment of her had obviously influenced her communication patterns in high stress situations outside the job, Alice's conversation with her son had definitely played into it as well. It had given her the ammunition to aim for the fact he's not Noah's father after all. No matter how often Olivia had told herself she shouldn't let any of it bother her, the fear of taking an opportunity away from Tom remained. And it is something that should have been communicated. „I should have talked to you sooner about more than that to be honest," she admits finally, shamefully. „I've… overheard you and your mother," she clarifies as she picks up on Tom's questioning gaze. It doesn't seem to clarify anything for him, in fact he looks even more puzzled.

„Overheard what?" There had been plenty of conversations he has had with his mother when Olivia was there with them and right now nothing stands out in his memory.

„When she asked you about having kids." Them having a child, him having a child, the sacrifice he makes to be with Olivia - the whole thicket of it. Admitting to eavesdropping, which is what she had done for all intents and purposes, is as uncomfortable as a root canal treatment. It gets unbearably hot underneath the black coat but as Olivia is holding her breath, waiting for a reaction, she doesn't move to take the heavy woolen item off.

It clicks into place then. And at the same time it doesn't. While Tom now knows what Olivia is talking about, he is no wiser than before. What does his conversation with his mother have to do with anything? While it surprises him that Olivia has overheard their talk he isn't upset, although he thinks she should have mentioned it to him.

„Okay," he says neutrally, the unspoken question served to his girlfriend on a silver platter. „I'm not sure I understand." It is what follows that upsets him. Not piece by piece but the picture she paints as a whole.

„I didn't mean to eavesdrop," she starts although it's bullshit. If she hadn't wanted to eavesdrop she had the liberty to walk away and not listen in. Olivia could have decided to walk back into their room and closed the door behind her, never knowing what was being said in the private conversation between mother and son. She hadn't. The words ‚I was just wondering do you still want children?' had acted as the minus pole to Olivia's positive pole, the magnetic field way too strong to turn away. Tom gives a little shrug. „That entire conversation has been messing with my head lately," Olivia admits. „We have never really talked about any of it. I mean… we have but-," she swallows and feels utterly helpless.

„But not really," Tom concludes for her. He hadn't been aware that it is a conversation they should have had. For him things had been clear. And he knows the same can be said for Olivia.

„Right. Not really," the brunette agrees. „But when your mom brought it up…"

„Did I say something wrong?"

„No. No, not at all," Olivia shakes her head and fumbles. „It's just… I have told you I won't be able to give you children. And I know you said that is okay because of your situation but overall it really… it hit me then. That because of me you won't have children of your own although that is something you want. That there is a sacrifice. A great sacrifice," she points out quietly. After being turned down for adoption all those years ago and yearning to be a mother for basically her entire adult life Olivia knows too well what it is like to want children. And to deny oneself something so deeply personal and essential is probably the greatest act of love and selflessness she has ever seen. Only she had never realized it before Alice had spelled it out. That it was a hell of a sacrifice to make in the name of love. Tom stands there, still in the very same place, looking a little stunned.

„If it is a sacrifice then that's one I'm willing to make, Olivia. I didn't go into this relationship with false hope for something I knew wasn't going to happen. You made yourself very clear." As much as he wants to mask the vulnerability Tom fails. The desire to have a child is a sore spot and maybe it will always be. But he is firm and sure that it's a sacrifice worth making. That being a male role model, a father figure is enough for him.

„I understand that. But just thinking you are sacrificing something for _me_ , because of _me_ , that is not a good feeling. It's been very scary and I kept thinking with what right do I do this?"

„Do what?"

„Take this from you, Tom. I'm taking something from you and I was so scared to tell you that I've heard what you were talking about with Alice. That probably makes me a coward and somewhat deceitful but I thought if I say something it could backfire and you'll realize just what you are giving up on. Or worse that you don't realize it until one day when it'll be too late and you'll wake up and regret that you have decided not to be with someone that is willing to have kids with you. That you chose me instead. So, I kept my mouth shut, scared of what might come from this sort of talk. Let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak." Olivia's voice is shaky and something starts to dawn on Tom. „So yesterday when everything was bubbling up maybe I've self-sabotaged because I tend to do that, too," she whispers. „I was in so much pain over this entire thing and then there was Noah and…and you and it got too much and I… I knew in that moment what I had to say to hurt you. And maybe a tiny part of me wanted to push you away for the fraction of a second-," she sees Tom's face turn to stone again. „And I am so, so sorry for that."

Tom takes a couple of steps back and rubs his palm over his mouth, his brain working on a translation. She knew what to say to hurt him, he thinks. It hasn't been just an angry slip that she hadn't thought through. She had taken the knowledge of him passing on having children of his own and by extension his infertility into her mouth, had a good chew and spit it out. To hurt him. Just to hurt him. That's even more a slap in the face than the fact she has said it at all. She really was on a crusade to tear him down, wasn't she? He is eerily calm as he turns and walks to his window, staring outside but at nothing in particular.

„Tom," he hears her say insecurely. „I am sorry." It is only when he hears her footsteps approaching that he speaks, mainly to stop her.

„Let me get this straight because this sounds like you haven't heard me at all. Ever. Not when we talked before we started dating and obviously not when you decided to eavesdrop on my mother and me discussing this. I told you I was fine with it being just us and Noah. That I understand you don't want to have any more children. Is that right?" He sees her swallowing and nodding her head albeit hesitantly.

„And when I told my mother the same thing and that you and Noah are enough and that I love you, you heard that, is that right, too?"

„Yes," Olivia whispers, her heart beating too fast because although Tom is speaking calmly his face and eyes tell a different story. God, his eyes. She has never seen this kind of fury in those deep blues.

„And what you made of it is take it, twist it and then throw me not being a father in my face?" He is actually shaking with suppressed anger now, trying really hard not to unleash hell on her.

„I am sorry," she repeats, however pathetic she feels for saying it for the third time. But she has nothing else right now. „I never meant to hurt you, I…"

„Didn't you?" He asks with a cynic chuckle. „I'm pretty sure a minute ago you said you knew what to say to hurt me. Doesn't sound like something that wasn't fucking deliberate to me," he says coldly, staring at her.

„Tom…"

„No! Don't. Just don't, Olivia. If that's your way of dealing with what you claim caused you pain then that is beyond fucked up."

„I know that," she tries desperately, needing him to listen although she has no idea what to say in her defense.

„It hurt you to think I'm giving up on something for you?"

„Yes. That's not a position I ever would want to put anybody in, Tom. I love you-," she tries shakily.

„If that hurt you and you grabbed it and turned it into something you knew full well would hurt me you know what that means? It means your pain is manipulative. And by that I can tell it's not real, it's just something you're hiding behind. I'm not sure which is worse," he tells her. It feels like he doesn't know her at all. Or maybe he is getting to know the real her. Whichever it is, it hurts and sickens him.

„Tom." His name is a strangled sound. „Please, I love you." He scoffs at the words and the derogatory action causes her eyes to fill with tears, her chin quivering. „I was wrong. But I do love you and I don't want to lose you." Thick tears slide down her cheeks and she is not much of a cryer but right now she doesn't care.

„Well, then we're in a tough place because right now I don't know if I want to keep you." The stare he's directing at her is stone cold and unfaltering. He doesn't even crack when he sees the words he spoke crush Olivia.

„Tom," she pleads, wiping at her tears with the heel of her left hand. Whatever she had expected when she came here this wasn't it. They were supposed to talk things over and make up, forget about the fight. Right now she'd even take fighting some more but this? This can't be happening.

„I think you should go, Olivia." It feels like his heart shatters into pieces because he truly doesn't know where any of this leaves them.

Olivia shakes her head, disagreeing. Everything within her tells her she can't leave because what if this is it? What if this is the end? This can't be the end. This entire thing had gone completely wrong. She can't breathe. She can't even think but she knows she can't leave. She hasn't even said everything she wants to say. There are so many things she needs to tell him in terms of why it had all been bullshit. Why she needs him. All the good things he contributes to her and Noah's life.

„Please don't do that." At the sight of her crying and distraught, obviously completely overrun by his words he almost falters but he can't think straight with her here and right now he is so angry and disappointed that he can't deal with her.

„Olivia just go because if you don't I might say things I can't take back-." Like she had said things she can't take back, he thinks. „Go and think about what you even want from this and I'll do the same." He doesn't want to pour salt into an open wound and leaves out that they might just want different things. While Tom is ready to settle for a life without kids of his own there are things he isn't willing to settle for.

It feels like a long time before he sees Olivia bow her head, still in tears, crying more audibly as she adjust the strap of her purse on her shoulder and walks towards the door. While she doesn't want to leave she starts to think that refusing to go might make matters worse. With as much as she wants to say, even though it doesn't come to her right now, maybe granting Tom space is the reasonable thing to do. But she is scared shitless that he won't hold on to their relationship and her. That by her going he will let go of her. For as close as she had felt to Tom yesterday, before the fight, they now feel like strangers. When she reaches the door she wipes her face once more, trying to get herself in check enough to not attract attention outside. With her breath shaky she clears her throat. „I'm sorry," she manages once more and the words sound broken. Olivia doesn't know what she expected in return but his parting words feel like a knife that twists in her gut as she opens the door.

„Me too."


	70. Cocoon

**Wow, the responses to the last chapter have been so overwhelming! Thank you! To all of my guest reviewers: I'd love to reply to your reviews which sadly I can't when you aren't registered or logged in. But please know I am so grateful for your thoughts. Some of them I would like to address here: Olivia won't have a baby. She's not going to magically get pregnant by Tom (I know it happens). She's almost 50 in this story, I won't put her through that. She also won't adopt a child with him. Again - she is almost 50. And no-one should have a child just to make their partner happy. A baby really isn't the issue here, their problem is a lack of communication. No baby in the world could fix this. Trust me.**

 **Taylor Swift is to blame for this chapter. And Brendon Urie. I'll explain later.**

 **…**

Regret washes over Tom the moment the door closes behind Olivia but he can't get himself to move. He feels justified for telling Olivia she should think, really think, about what she wants from this relationship. Mainly he wants to have a clear idea of what role she wants him to play in Noah's life. If this relationship continues he can't live with constantly being reminded that he is not the boy's father or be confronted with the fact they were doing just fine without him. Either they can do this together with all consequences or they shouldn't do it at all. Which doesn't mean that Tom isn't ready to take Olivia's words about him being too lenient to heart. He is willing to change that and work on what she thinks is problematic behavior on his part. After all Tom only has Noah's best interest in mind. He is not there to sabotage something. His intention has also never been to be the good guy and subsequently make Olivia the bad guy but he understands how it can easily look like that.

What he regrets is how he had got the message across, the words he had used. That he doesn't know if he wants to keep her. Tom had been unprepared for the impact it had on Olivia. And it's not even true. He wants to keep her. He does. It's just that he needs things to be right. He needs them to find common ground for their future. If they can't it unfortunately means that they can't have a future together. The thought alone makes him feel like he is going to suffocate, like someone is pressing down on his windpipe, not allowing him to breathe. Imagining his life without Olivia and Noah in it feels alien. The emptiness spreading within Tom is consuming. It is a long time until he moves away from his window and scrubs his right hand over his head. What the hell is he supposed to do now? A part of him wants to go and talk to her but knowing her schedule of late Olivia is probably back at the precinct. It doesn't feel right to go there and talk to her in her office, not when it concerns such important matters like the possible dissolution of their relationship. Dissolution of their relationship. It's sickening to think it. Even more so to know it is an actual option. Olivia could come to the conclusion that she doesn't want him to be an active part in raising Noah. The whole thing is giving him a headache. Tom heavily plops down on his couch and rubs his mouth with his palm. The longer he sits and thinks the more he realizes that he has been too harsh with Olivia. She is what life has made her. She had admitted she'd gotten scared. That maybe she self-sabotaged. And when Tom had heard it he had gotten pissed instead of showing empathy.

Yes, it had sucked to hear. It had definitely hurt to realize she had hurt him just because she could. But she had also opened herself up to him, had allowed herself to be vulnerable, something he knows doesn't come easy to Olivia. She is the kind of person who keeps herself and her feelings, especially her demons very guarded. She had fucked up. And so had he.

It's something Tom doesn't want to ignore. He will have to talk to her as soon as he can and plans to go over later at a time Noah will be in bed. When he makes a mistake he owns up to it and wants to make it right. He'd let his pride get in the way. Now he will have to swallow it.

Fuck. Tom wonders if he had made it sound like an ultimatum.

 _Think about it and say the right thing or else we're over_.

That is not what he wants this to be. He doesn't do ultimatums. The right path would have been to suggest they talk about it and figure it out. That exact thing he had expected from Olivia when she had brought up all he'd done wrong with Noah.

 _Damn._

…

Two minutes in the car have to do to get herself together before she goes back in. Olivia tries to breathe through her pain, through the shock. While she hadn't expected an easy fix to what she had said to Tom a potential breakup hadn't been something she thought was on the horizon. Yet there she is in her car, fixing her make-up as best as she can in her rearview mirror with a tissue, some saliva, powder and an extra portion of lipstick to draw more attention to her mouth than her tear-dimmed eyes. She had gone from Tom's to the precinct on autopilot, trying hard not to lose her head over it. Not when she had to get back to work.

Once inside she strides through the bullpen and breathes a sigh of relief as she closes her office door and draws the blinds. Luckily no-one had paid much attention to her. What she needs now is to bury herself in paperwork. Truthfully, she'd rather be out chasing a perp right, an intense interrogation would do, too. But as it stands bureaucracy has to do for now. Pulling out her reading glasses from their case Olivia puts them on and pulls a file from the small stack to her right, scanning what it contains. Her focus is shit but Olivia Benson is determined. She pulls through until five-thirty, then leaves for home. At this point there is no sense in staying late again. She can't influence the ongoing investigation of the Taylor's case, she can't influence their main suspect and make him talk. She can't influence Taylor's family when it comes to them opening up to the media more than they do to the NYPD. She can't influence the horrible media coverage.

More than that she can't influence Tom. Her heart feel like a hundred cold pounds in her chest. Tom wants space. He wants to think. While she wants to scream there is not a damned thing Olivia can do about it.

It takes Olivia two minutes to tidy up her desk and shut down the laptop. Three more to get to her car. By the time she gets home Noah has had dinner. She allows him to stay up a little longer than usual because it gives her something to do. Any kind of distraction is welcome at this point. The irony that this is one of the things she had lost it comes creeping in and Olivia shakes her head. It's not even funny.

She reads Noah a story thirty minutes past his bedtime. Even when her son is asleep, his mouth open and his chest rising and falling steadily she keeps on reading until she hears something that sounds like a key in the door. For a moment Olivia panics and her hand flits to her hip where she usually carries her gun in a holster. Of course she isn't packing at home. It can only be Amanda or Tom, she reasons with herself. Amanda would never let herself in without contacting her first. It's then that she hears his voice filter to Noah's room from the living room.

„Olivia?"

It's him. It's him and although she has no idea why Tom has come here her heart feels a little less heavy because at least she will have to opportunity to say something. While her mind races her body is frozen for a moment. She hears his footsteps on the floor. Then he calls out again. Softly. This kicks things back into motion for her. Swallowing thickly Olivia puts the book on the small table next to Noah's bed and gets up. For a couple of seconds she allows herself to take a breather, sending a silent prayer that they can work this out somehow, that things won't get even worse. Then she moves towards the living room.

„Hey," she says quietly, her nerves affecting her voice. It's comical how she almost doesn't dare to even look at him.

„Hey," he says back as he breathes out. It feels good to see her although it's only been a few hours. She is okay, which is a big step forward from when she had left crying earlier. When she stops just a few small steps into her living room it is him closing the distance and without thinking he does what feels natural and right.

„Come here," Tom mutters and wraps his arms around her. Her body molds to his and she relaxes in his embrace. „I'm sorry for what I said earlier. We should have talked."

Olivia's arms wrap around his middle. Right now she can't quite grasp that Tom is here, that he apologizes. „I'm sorry, too," she whispers. He feels good against her and right now Olivia thinks he has never smelled better. Olivia feels right at home and it has nothing to do with her apartment. A gentle hand strokes her head, fingers get tangled in her hair that has grown back to a length where they fall around her shoulders.

„I was wrong for telling you to leave or that I don't know if I want us to be together. You gotta know that, Olivia. I want to be with you so we're… we're going to talk and figure this out, okay?"

He merely feels her head moving against his and decides to look at her. She could say no after all, that is her right, especially after the shit he had pulled earlier. „Okay?" Tom inquires once more.

„I'd like that, yes," Olivia tells him. He is right. They need to talk about some things. Olivia will have to position herself more clearly and now that Tom is here she has a feeling that once she does, once she makes him understand that he is important to her and Noah, more importantly that he is fully wanted and needed, this entire fight can be put to rest. There is no way she will risk losing Tom. She loves him. She has freaked out and made mistakes. He had overreacted in the spur of the moment, something she is no stranger to. As upsetting as it had been, Olivia isn't mad at Tom. She is just relieved that he came to the decision to see her and give them both the chance to talk. Slowly she touches her forehead to Tom's, breathing out consciously. He is here. They are here, in the same place, agreeing to talk. Two minutes ago that had felt like an impossibility and she had hidden out in her son's room, reading on and on just to put off thinking about possibly having lost the man she loves.

When Tom tilts his head their noses touch, their breaths clash.

She whispers: „I love you so much." It sounds raw. Never in her life had Olivia wanted to hold onto something as much as she wants to hold on to this relationship. It is where she belongs. With Tom she has found peace that she hasn't experienced in love before. But she is still the same person with the same fears and tendencies. She had given in to them and sabotaged the relationship instead of taking the high road. Talking about potential problems, talking about worries and fears is a key element of working relationships. It is something she will have to learn, to talk about the uncomfortable things before they manifest and bite her in the ass.

Tom's response is in his kiss, lips meeting hers innocently, just a whisper. „ _I love you, too,"_ it says. The calm of the moment could be treacherous but much more than that Tom wants to believe they can work things out. Not necessarily tonight, not all of it, but he has hope. They can fix this. Relationships take work. Lately things haven't been as much of a breeze, there has been rain, there have been storms. He isn't simply going to give up now, not when he can help it. Definitely not before they have spoken quite clearly.

Until then it is hard to make an end to the delicate moment that upholds the both of them, their embrace and the tenderness of the kisses enticing. Allowing to fall into it is easy, a welcome distraction from the mess that surrounds them. It's like they are standing under a safe umbrella, wrapped in a warm cocoon, as it pours around them. Their lips keep on giving, exploring softly, nipping and teasing. It's the age old story; fighting a fight with making love. Because that is what their mouths are doing. By the response of Tom's body he knows that is where it is going to lead. Neither of them seems to mind. Neither of them attempts to stop it. Not when the dance of their mouths gets more defined by urgency. Not when hands begin to wander.

….

They fall into bed.

Olivia's heart finds healing beneath Tom's body that is on top of hers. He isn't even inside of her and yet it feels complete. He looks at her face, his striking blue eyes trained on Olivia's, taking her in. Perfectly shaped eyebrows, the desire in her eyes, the wrinkles time and age have left around the outer corners of them. Her lips are a dark pink from kissing him. Olivia is always beautiful to him but even more so in this very moment. Her chest rises and falls with her labored breaths as Tom's hand tangles in her hair. Beneath him Olivia pulls her legs up a little, opens herself up to him and his erection brushes against her center.

It's as if he has an epiphany then. That they are partners. There are parts of him and parts of her in that partnership. Certain characteristics are good, others are bad. Some traits are downright peculiar. But those traits make her her and him him. What he is sure of is that the good characteristics overweigh everything else by far. If he wants Olivia then it has to be all of her. He can't expect her to change something that is hardly explicable, something that is engrained deep within her. What he can do is to try and understand and give her a safe place. A place where it's okay not to be perfect, where it's safe to say something stupid, even something hurtful. A place where forgiveness rules.

He pushes into her with that thought, slowly, watching her face painted by surprise because it's been a long time they have been laying like this. Olivia's eyes widen just slightly and he exhales, caresses her hair. Her body welcomes him with no restraint at all, warm and silken. She feels utterly right. Tom takes it as proof that despite everything they belong right here, together.

Their lovemaking is slow and gentle. Tom never takes his eyes off of Olivia unless he gets lost kissing her mouth or her face. It's hardly enough to make their arousal peak, instead it's about being a moment, about feeling each other. It's about loving each other.

It's almost funny to Tom all of a sudden. It's like they both have gone a little psycho on each other. All of it had been one huge overreaction. It doesn't mean they won't have to talk things over, there are things that need to be discussed. But they no longer seem as big.

Olivia's hands travel up his sides until her arms leisurely lock around Tom's neck. There's perspiration between their bodies, making their skin slick. When Olivia pulls Tom down to kiss him she moves one leg around his waist and tries to roll him over. Taking the cue he allows it and their bodies awkwardly shift for a few seconds. Laughing, their position changes so Olivia is now on top. Her hips move slowly and the new angle comes with instant gratification as that certain spot is stimulated. Her eyes gloss over and she bites her lip. The smallest groan pushes up her throat and falls between them. She sits up, straightens her shoulders and when her hips rise again Tom strokes her thighs while he takes her nude body in. His gaze settles between their hips, where they are physically connected, watching her slide back down onto his manhood. The next time she lowers her hips Tom meets her, pushing up into her, getting an instant reaction. Olivia's head rolls backwards and she moans, encouraging him. The rhythm they find isn't faster but it's steady and persuasive enough for their bodies. It takes time but Olivia is getting there, he sees it in the way her breathing changes, how her face contorts from time to time. It's quite beautiful to watch how she works towards her climax without the rush they often feel.

After a long while Tom attaches his thumb to the small bundle of nerves between Olivia's legs and she is overwhelmed by the touch and the motions he creates. She stops moving on top of him, if anything at all she sinks fully onto him. His thumb circles, slowly at first, then faster. No words at all have been spoken until now.

„Oh…y-yes." It's quiet, just above a whisper. Circles turn into a quick up and down rubbing motion. Olivia's entire body trembles on top of him. He focuses hard on hitting the mark and he literally feels Olivia oozing over his length when she comes for him.

He caresses her upper body softly then, her arms, hips, her full breasts, giving her time to recuperate. Everything about her is on high alert. Eventually she starts moving again, rocking herself back and forth on top of Tom slowly.

 _…_

It takes forever until they both come from intercourse alone, their bodies finally coaxed into submission. None of it had been rushed. It has been an around an hour and neither of them is physically exhausted. They had taken short breaks in between where they had simply gazed at each other or whispered affectionately, assuring each other that they were okay.

With Olivia in his arms Tom kisses her forehead. Their bodies are entangled and it is quiet in the room. The small lamp on Olivia's side of the bed is switched one, casting a soft glow across the room. Olivia in particular is pensive. She wonders if sex had been a good idea at all because the warmth and sweetness that transpires between them feels treacherous. Like it only needs a couple of words to destroy it. Until now neither of them had attempted to have the conversation they obviously need to have. As calm and relaxed as she appears to be from the outside, on the inside she is freaking out. There are things she wants him to know that will be hard to say out loud, to entrust someone else with at all. But it is necessary that he knows how much she appreciates him when it comes to Noah. Minutes pick by and the quiet in the room unsettles her more and more. What if he gets up and leaves? What if this had been just a slip and by the time Tom snaps out of the sweetness of the afterglow needs his space again? If he changes his mind and decides they shouldn't talk, at least not tonight? There really is no way around starting this conversation, she thinks.

„Tom?" Olivia doesn't quite trust her voice and it comes out a little hesitant.

„Hm," he responds, his thumb caressing her arm as he shifts to be able to look at her.

Great. He actually looks sleepy. Probably he would have drifted off within the next few minutes.

„What you said earlier… that we should have talked, you meant that, right?" It is something that really eats away at her. The possibility of him changing his mind. She has never felt quite this vulnerable but figures that is what real love does. It makes you vulnerable. It makes the heart breakable.

„Yes, of course," he tells her. He doesn't miss that she sounds rattled and insecure. It occurs to him then that she has no idea that he has let go of the whole thing. It may not be a non-issue but he no longer thinks any of it is a real threat to their relationship. Olivia is unaware, which only shows with her next words.

„I'm scared," she admits and her voice cracks. She is scared because she doesn't want him to leave her.

„No. No, listen," he tells her and sits up a little. „We are okay, Olivia. We'll be okay," he says with conviction.

„I can't lose you," she goes on and sounds small, not like the strong, independent force she is. This relationship is different in every way and Olivia doesn't want to fuck it up. This is not something she wants to walk away from.

He understands now just how deep the implication of his words run. By telling her he doesn't know if he wants to keep her he has opened the door to a possible breakup. „You won't. I was wrong to say that. I was hurt and overreacted. We both have…overreacted." Tom sees Olivia relax visibly. „I think we need to communicate better. And we'll talk but… maybe not right now, hm? I'm quite comfortable here with you." He doesn't want to destroy the moment with heavy conversation. There will be the time and place for that and it's not now.

„Okay," she agrees and while she is flooded with relief Olivia is also beyond confused. „I just…" Helplessly she chuckles. „What happened?"

„I realized that there are so many things that matter a lot more than a mistake," Tom says and cuddles up to her again. „I love you. And I love you in spite of fights and mistakes. I think that it was very easy to get angry - definitely easier than facing up to the hurt. I faulted you for overreacting and in the end I responded in the same way. I think… I think we got stuck a little stuck lately and we both haven't addressed it."

Olivia nods. It is true, there are a lot of things they haven't discussed when they should have. First it had been Bill's death, then Olivia hadn't really talked about how overwhelmed she feels with work, especially with the Reid case lately. Last night had just been the last straw in a series of issues that have been swept under the rug. „We need to talk."

„We do," Tom agrees. „And we will."

„Tomorrow? I could come over after work," she offers. She would rather do it without Noah around.

„If you want. I can make something to eat, think you'll be late?"

„Possibly." It could go either way. „I'll try to make it by six?"

„And if it gets late we'll just warm dinner up," Tom assures her and kisses her cheek. For a few moments they are both silent and Tom breathes Olivia in.

„Will you stay?" She asks softly, hopefully.

„Can I?"

„Of course," she mumbles and drapes her arm across his stomach, pushing herself close to him. She doesn't want him to leave. More than ever Olivia needs him to stay, to convince herself that they are okay for now. The fear of losing him still sits deep. „Tom?"

„Yeah," he breathes.

„I love you." It needs to be said. She needs him to know this.

„I love you, too," he whispers and kisses her forehead. „More than anything." He loves her more than his pride. And he'll love her through the fights and the dark shit they will eventually face in the future. The important thing they have to learn from this is that they can pull through. That despite mistakes and fuck ups they are strong enough to overcome hurdles. That they will likely end up hurting each other again at some point and find ways to forgive each other. And that is something he wants from a relationship, too. For it to thrive despite the dark times. „Let's sleep?"

„Just one more thing," she says although sleep sounds wonderful. „We do need you. I need you to know that. That I want to do this with you." She is really tired of the single parent thing, not because she can't do it, she simply doesn't want to. Not when there is someone who is more than willing to do it with her.

„Okay," he says with a small smile on his face. It's all he needs to know for now and that she says it again means a lot to him. There is plenty they need to discuss but knowing that she wants him to be involved for sure makes it easier.

….

 **End Notes: So, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. This chapter was supposed to be sooo different. In fact I had part of it written. What you need to know about me - well, you don't have to, it's just a little fun fact - I'm a massive SVU fan. But I'm also a huge Swiftie. My love for Taylor Swift is… okay, I have nothing to compare it to. I just really have a thing for her. So maybe you have heard her new song (April 26th anyone?) „ME!" feat. Brendon Urie in the radio. Or if you're really awesome you've purchased it or streamed it or whatever… If you haven't go and listen to it on youtube (the video is really fun, too - and very gay but maybe that is the fun it it). It's basically just a happy song about individuality and loving even the bad traits of someone - because they are all part of us. We are made of the good and bad with strengths and weaknesses. So I heard „Me!" and it was impossible for me to write something sad and complicated. I couldn't. It just wouldn't come. So I deleted what I had written and started over and you know - it was quick because last chapter it all looked so dark and this chapter ends on a very good note for them. But sometimes that's how life goes. Sometimes you just need a moment to breathe and it'll give you perspective and that's what happened for Tom here. And you know, he had his asshole moments, too. Because he's human.**

 **Let me know what you think. Too quick? Unrealistic? Or are you happy with this chapter?**

 **So you should really go and check out that song - no matter what you think of Taylor Swift because if that song doesn't take you to your personal happy place deep inside of you then I don't know… I'm celebrating this song with every listen, dancing in my chair like a crazy 's how I wrote this - all of it. It's a bop, guys!**


	71. And maybe someday soon

**Notes: And here we go - because obviously they need to talk. Thank you for the lovely reviews, getting your feedback makes me so, so happy.**

„Liv. Olivia."

„Hm," she protests and turns around, trying to get away from whatever it is distracting her from sleep. The bed is warm and comfortable and her body is heavy with sleep, a lovely dream escaping from her. That something is shaking her arm gently but it rattles her entire body.

„Liv, it's late. You gotta get up." That does it, at Tom's words her eyes fly open.

„What?"

„We've overslept," he points out and scrubs his hand across his weary face. They will probably make it just in time if they hurry but it's definitely going to be stressful.

„Shit." Why hadn't her alarm gone off? Reaching for the phone Olivia's hand is met with thin air on the nightstand where she usually keeps the device at night. That's when she realizes she had never gotten up last night to get it and set the alarm. And Tom usually relies on her alarm when he is here, too. At eight she has… Oh God. The meeting, she thinks, panicking. „What time is it?"

„7:15," he says hesitantly and with that Olivia jumps up and is out of bed. While it's not ideal Tom thinks that Olivia might as well relax. They can't change that they have overslept. Instead his girlfriend goes through the drawers of her dresser, pulls out a bra, panties and a pair of nylon ankle socks as she hisses underneath her breath.

„Shit, shit, shit." With no aim whatsoever Olivia throws her clothes in the direction of the bed. She slips on black panties, swaying dangerously on one foot and almost falling down on her ass.

„Honey, take it easy." It's almost comical to Tom as he himself gets out of bed, wondering if there's enough time for a quick shower. There isn't.

„I can't," she says but runs a hand through her head full of messy hair and allows herself to take a breath. „I have to answer to a room full of people at eight and by eight I mean I'm expected there at 7:30 by my Chief to go over the details before the brass is going to pick my unit to pieces," she says. Of all the goddamn days it has to be today. Her showing up late isn't going to be well-received. At all. She will have to call Dodds on her way, tell him she'll be late.

„I take Noah," Tom instantly offers.

„Can you?"

Of course it's convenient since they need to be at the same place around the same time. Tom had done it once before although they are trying to keep their personal lives and his job separated. Neither of them wants the other parents to start talking - although of course they _are_. Tom had heard the whispers in the hallway. When a teacher is dating a parent it's bound to make the rounds.

„Of course," he agrees.

„God, thank you." She is going to be too late anyway, stuck in traffic, but at least she can spare the trip to the school. No way is she going to make it to the meeting in time. Muddle-headed her eyes scan the bed. „Bra… bra…"

Tom spots it instantly and grabs it for her. „Go."

„Thank you," she says again and plants a quick kiss on his lips before she darts to the bathroom. Within three minutes she brushes her teeth and hair and puts on some mascara, blush and lipstick. Truth is she looks like shit, exactly like you would expect someone to look who has stumbled out of bed five minutes ago. She thinks she smells like sex but has no five minutes to spare to shower so instead she puts her deodorant and perfume on thick.

Olivia pulls a black pantsuit and a cream white blouse from her closet and gets dressed as quickly as she can, making sure her attire is wrinkle-free. Tom's and Noah's voices filter in from the living room and she can hear her boyfriend hurry matters along as he helps her son get dressed. Luckily Noah seems to play along because Tom praises him profusely by the time she steps into the living room. Noah is fully clothed in a sweater and jeans and Tom is making him a breakfast sandwich so he will have something to eat en route.

„Mommy, we're late," Noah informs her as if she wouldn't already know. For a moment it puts a smile on her face.

„I know sweetie, I forgot to set my alarm. Come here," she walks over and kisses the top of his head. „I gotta go. You'll be good for Tom and Lucy today, promise?"

„I promise," her son agrees and rubs his eyes. Obviously he had still been fast asleep by the time Tom had woken him.

„Great." Olivia hugs her son tightly, then grabs her phone off of the breakfast bar and walks around to kiss Tom's cheek. „Bye, love you," she tells him in passing.

„Love you, too," he says back and gets the jelly from Olivia's fridge for a P&J sandwich. „Are we still on for tonight?"

She is halfway out the door, her coat draped over her arm, her purse held up between her knees and her key chain between her teeth. Slipping into her coat Olivia adjusts everything. „Yes. Expect me five inches shorter, though," she warns him, grimacing at Tom with dread.

„Good luck."

„Thanks."

„Bye Momma," Noah waves at her.

„Bye sweetie."

And with that she is out, rushing towards the elevator, trying to think of any excuse better than admitting that she had overslept.

…

„Hey, how did it go?" There is no need to ask because it's all in her face. Olivia's day must have been terrible. She had definitely come too late, even him and Noah hadn't made it to school in time.

„Don't ask," she says heavily and crosses the threshold. Not only had Olivia come twenty minutes late, she had also forgotten a case file and all of her notes. While the brass had questioned her team, their investigation and her competence as a commanding officer at SVU she had basically sat there like an idiot half of the time fumbling for explanations. Halfway through the meeting Olivia had gotten awfully defensive because apparently her squad had made information concerning a new camera system in Jersey public when it was meant to stay top secret. It's not the first time when a different jurisdiction lost their shit over information that had not been meant to get out. Dodds had been furious with her and by the time she had been in the safety of her car Olivia had been close to a meltdown. So, things hadn't gone well at all for her today.

„I'm sorry," Tom offers as he helps Olivia out of her coat. „Would you rather not talk tonight?" Of course a conversation is due but it doesn't have to be tonight if Liv thinks it's going to be too heavy. There's dinner and he has a cheap bottle of wine stashed away somewhere.

„Nah, it's okay. As long as we don't talk work, it'll be fine." Truthfully, she wants to get it over with. Serious conversations aren't exactly something she likes to have so the sooner the better. „It smells good. What's for dinner?"

„Erm… Chicken and stir-fry." Tom had basically made use of the leftover veggies he still had in the fridge - bell peppers, zucchini and a couple of mushrooms.

„That sounds great," she moans softly. She hadn't eaten much for lunch, her appetite had pretty much been ruined. Olivia actually thinks she might have lost a couple of pounds with how irregular she had been eating lately. It's a blessing and a curse alike. While she wants to lose some on her hips, butt and thighs every bit of weight lost is visible in her face and breasts first. „How did it go this morning?"

„Pretty good considering. He had a sandwich on the way to school. We were a few minutes late but I called before we left and let them know. It shouldn't be a big deal. I hope."

Olivia follows Tom to the kitchen where the stir-fry sits in a pan.

„Wine?"

„Uh- not tonight. I'm good."

Tom puts their food on the plates and they head back to his sofa to eat. He still hasn't gotten a table and at this point it no longer seems necessary. They basically spend all of their time at Olivia's place these days anyway. It's rare that they come over to his apartment. Tom feels more at home at her and Noah's place than here by now.

While they eat he turns on the TV and they watch the evening news. When the case of Taylor Reid, the missing 13-year-old is discussed and it is announced that there are no new developments, Tom notices how Olivia is pushing her food around with her fork, her mood more somber than before. He takes the cue and switches the TV off.

„You okay?" Glancing up at him she gives a little shrug.

„Yeah, I'm okay. Been a shit day." And the news had reminded her just how shitty. She pops a small piece of bell pepper in her mouth and then puts her plate on the coffee table. At least she has eaten half of her dinner. This case, she thinks. It might just be the one that will always haunt her if they don't solve it. For as many cases she has worked that are still cold years later, the circumstances surrounding Taylor Reid's case make no sense to her. The media, the public, the brass - everyone seems to be out for blood over the girl's disappearance. Olivia wonders if Homicide is getting as much crap for the latest developments as SVU.

Tom's plate joins Olivia's and he looks at the brunette for a few seconds. „Are you sure you still wanna talk?"

Nodding, Olivia grasps for Tom's hand. „Yes, I do want to talk," she tells him honestly. Things don't feel quite right after their fight, even though they have made up last night and Tom had assured her he still wants to be with her. And Olivia knows for certain she wants to be with Tom. They have a time window right now to talk things over and they should use it.

„Okay."

For a little while they both go into a pensive state until he is the first to speak up, thinking that will make it easier on Olivia.

„Well, I'd like to start by saying that I have heard you when you said I have to stick to the rules. I can see why it might seem like I'm trying to be the good guy or buy his affection. That accusation hurt but I thought about it a lot since then. I am not trying to be his favorite or buy affection but I have to admit that I do love to spoil him. Probably a little too much," he grimaces and Olivia listens and nods slowly, biting the inside of her cheek.

„I'm not saying you shouldn't spoil him-," Olivia says slowly.

„Just not as much," Tom concludes sheepishly. „I know. I'll work on that. You know… I think… with not having any myself," he admits heavily. „-kids, I mean, it's tempting to spoil Noah as much as I can. Or give in to him so easily. It was never my intention to disrespect you or your rules and I am sorry for that. And about that toy - I shouldn't have bought it, not without checking with you first." Tom understands her disappointment, especially because she had wanted it to be a Christmas present. While he had heard her say that, somehow it hadn't quite registered with him enough to stop him from getting the Sea Patroller.

„That was what irked me the most," Olivia agrees. „I really was looking forward to Christmas because Noah has wanted that toy for a long time now. And I'm trying not to buy expensive or big presents on the side. Not because I don't want to but because I can't afford it all the time, Tom," she admits. „And in my experience, the more presents he gets, birthdays and Christmas aside, the higher his expectations. And the same goes for bending the rules."

„I'm too lenient."

„Sometimes, yes." It's not always like she had made it sound that night. Of course not. But it is remarkably often. „I know you are more laid back and believe me Tom, that can be a god-sent. But it's not something that works for us. I know every kid is different but I know mine. I've tried not being as strict and it made things a lot harder for me. And when you change the routine he demands the same of me. He goes ‚But Tom let's me have this' or ‚Tom said I could do that' and when I don't go along with it he gets upset with me. And it's not easy to hear that he doesn't like me or tells me he'd rather have you there with him." Olivia's voice drops and she can see that Tom is taken by surprise.

„You never told me that."

„Yeah, well. It's…" She doesn't even know what to say. At first she had figured she needed to let Tom figure things out for himself, thinking he would find his way, a good balance. Sometimes he had and then there were things that had bugged Olivia a lot but probably never enough to have a talk. With everything else going so well for them Olivia hadn't wanted to rock the boat.

„I'm sorry, Olivia. I didn't know that." It's something he had never even been aware of and his behavior now makes him feel foolish and awful. Noah giving Olivia quite a bit of attitude sometimes is nothing new and his behavior has probably only added to it.

„I should have said something but I thought it'd work itself out in time." It clearly hadn't been something Tom had been aware of. He rubs his jaw, not sure what to say. For some time he remains silent. It is about time these things are discussed. He wouldn't have considered to change otherwise.

„It's hard," he admits. „The parenting thing. Honestly, I didn't think I was that bad at it." What it all comes down to is that he is clearly not very competent. Teaching, that's his forte. That's something he can do and he knows he does it well. Experimenting, finding methods that get children interested to learn, exploring. But parenting? Making rules, sticking to rules, being strict in certain moments - it's quite exhausting. And probably his heart is way too soft when Noah starts pleading for something. It doesn't take much for Tom to cave in. And of course Olivia has got a point. She can't pick up the pieces whenever he messes up. However hard it may be, Tom has to grow a thicker skin. He has to learn to say no and most importantly stick to the no. The guilt he feels over it clearly can't have a place in those moments.

„It _is_ hard," Olivia says and takes his hand, brushing her thumb over his knuckles. „And you're not bad at it, it's just… it's a process. I mean, he's five and I still haven't figured it out. Half the time I feel like a horrible parent and sometimes I'm at a complete loss with no idea what to do or how to react. Like… the times he gets angry and starts throwing his toys across the apartment." At this point Olivia is glad when it's his toys he sends flying across the room. Once it had been her phone. Luckily it hadn't taken any damage. Noah can have the worst tantrums. She reads and hears it's normal, testosterone boosts and all. And Noah has always been a willful child, which probably doesn't make things easier. It's basically good days and bad days and those in between and Tom being there on the bad days, staying calm and collected, helps immensely. „You handle that so much better than me." While Olivia's patience wears thin quickly Tom doesn't let himself get worked up. He stays calm and she has no idea how. She is yelling a lot more because so often she is at the end of her rope. Threats and time outs don't help. Talking doesn't help. It's like whatever Olivia does only makes it worse. Tom however gets through to him, Lord knows why. Olivia has once joked that he's the kid-whisperer and he might just be when he's the only one getting through to her son. Maybe it's because even when she tries to stay calm she isn't really, not on the inside. It seems Noah is feeding on her internal frustration and helplessness because he _always_ brings it to a boil.

„That's probably just luck," he points out, knowing how hard these moments are on Olivia. Tom doesn't know why he gets through to Noah. He tries to not take the temper tantrums too seriously. Anger needs an outlet - and while it's not necessarily the best outlet to throw things and push and push until Olivia loses her temper, he tries to be understanding. Admittedly, he thinks Olivia can be rather harsh with Noah when he won't listen to her, especially when she notices he is trying to rile her up. It's like they are going in circles, a power struggle between mother and son that neither of them can win. Sometimes she has a short fuse. She can get loud rather quickly. Tom would never judge her for it. Instead he reminds her to try and calm down and takes over.

„That's not luck, you're simply better with him in that regard," she says plainly. „I didn't mean to say you are doing it all wrong. You aren't. There are just some things where we'll have to pull together. And I was wrong to tell you we don't need you. We do. I do," she stresses. „Sometimes I wouldn't know what to do without you." Like this morning. Or when she feels completely overwhelmed with Noah's behavior and feels like she is about something that deep within she believes is really wrong, even in the name of disciplining her child. Olivia doesn't believe in spanking. At all. But she knows she has come close a few times. And she is so grateful that Tom had been there and talked to Noah so she could cool off and take a few deep breaths.

It is hard to believe for him, especially since the fight. „Yes, you would. As you said, you were fine without me. You've done it on your own for years."

„I don't want to do it on my own." It is something she needs Tom to know and she looks into his eyes for emphasis. Being a single parent is so, so hard at times and just because she used to do it all by herself doesn't mean she wanted to. There simply hadn't been the right person by her side. When she had started to foster Noah she had been single and up until Ed Tucker she hadn't dated at all. Of course she had a few offers in between but she had been so busy with work and motherhood that she had declined those. Well, except for one. Michael. She had gone out for a dinner date with guy she had met on the playground, a single father with a daughter that had been close to Noah's age. It had been a good evening. He had brought her home, she had invited him up for coffee - and then they had slept together. After that she had been too embarrassed to see him again and had found excuses when he had called her - mostly work - until eventually he had stopped trying. For her it had been relationship 101. Don't get laid on the first date. It's simply not a good first impression. „I want to do it with _you,_ " Olivia says. „It may not all have been great but you're making many things better, including me," she admits quietly. „Without you there there have been times when I would have been a much worse parent."

„That's not true, Liv," he says softly.

„Yes, it is. I'm short-tempered with him and I know it. I'm lacking that easiness you have and I let his moods get to me." She isn't blind. She constantly reflects her own parenting and more often than not she thinks she is doing terribly. The possibility that she could one day snap and smack or spank her child frightens her. Her own ability to turn into someone violent, someone like her mother is a constant threat to her. Most people don't see it as violence, they think as parents it is their job to discipline their children. But Olivia remembers all too well what it had been like. She had been scared of her own mother and she doesn't want Noah to ever be scared of her.

„It happens to the best of us," Tom assures her and rubs her arm affectionately.

„Not to you, obviously," she says with a small, sad smile. And she loves him and appreciates him all the more for it.

„Well, I'm fucking up all your rules so," he shrugs and bumps his shoulder into her.

„That's still better than worrying that I could hurt my child in an outburst of anger," Olivia whispers, ashamed of the words in itself. She can't even look Tom in the eye. When they had first started seeing each other, on their second or third date, Tom had once told Olivia that he doesn't condone when parents hit their children, which makes it so much harder to be open about her fears.

„You wouldn't do that, Olivia," he says softly but with conviction and puts his lips to her temple.

„I'm not so sure," she says back, her voice cracking. Sometimes she feels the anger getting the best of her. At other times it's the sheer helplessness that consumes her. „I almost did once," she admits and shakes her head. Never will she forget how she had already raised her hand. It had scared the hell out of her because it hadn't taken much more for her to hit her son.

„You did?" Tom can hardly believe it but by the tears he sees pooling in his girlfriend's eyes are convincing enough. While he has his opinion on the matter there's something that overweighs right now. Olivia has confided something deeply personal to him, something she is aware he wouldn't approve of. And he isn't going to shame her for it.

„I… I didn't know what to do. I felt so… I couldn't help myself," she admits and wipes under her eyes.

„That's okay, honey."

„No, it's not."

„It's okay to feel helpless. It's okay not to know what to do," he says lovingly and pulls her body against him. „Trust me, most of the time I'm just flailing, trying to figure out what the right thing is. Guess what, my gut instinct isn't very reliable," Tom jokes and gets the smallest chuckle in return as he gives her a squeeze.

„That's not helpful."

„Not even a little?"

„Not really."

Tom releases her and takes both her hands in his. „I know how hard this is for you - to tell me about that. But I'm here for you, Olivia. And I'm not going anywhere. There are methods to help with that anger you were talking about. But more than that? Do you know how brave I think you are for telling me this? We live in a place where most parents think spanking their kids is okay, that it's necessary even. It says a lot about you that you think it's a problem that you even came close once, Liv," he tells her. „You are not a bad parent. In fact I think you do amazing."

„No, I don't."

„Yes, you do," Tom tells her. „You've raised a terrific boy so far. He's five, Olivia, those tantrums are normal. Some kids are very verbal about them, other's start to cry and scream. Noah throws things and defies you. It's only natural that it gets to you. I don't like it either but for me it's easier to shake off."

„But how? How do you just shake it off, Tom?" She really wants to know because she has tried and obviously she hasn't succeeded. There is only so much of Noah's tantrums and attitude she can take.

Tom shrugs and tries to put it into words. „From experience I can tell you that the more worked up you get, the more he seems to act out." Tom himself doesn't give Noah a fight and stays rather passive, no matter what happens around him. He sits it out, declining a power struggle. Sometimes it passes rather quickly, sometimes it takes some time but until now Noah has always calmed down.

„But he can't throw his or my stuff just because he's angry. Or scream at me. He shows no appreciation for the things he has."

„I know that bothers you but Liv - when you showed him how much it upsets you, did it ever change anything?"

For a little while she thinks about this and can see why Tom has asked her. It didn't. It seems the more upset Olivia gets, the more she raises her voice, the more she scolds her son, the worse it gets.

„Not really," she finally says. „But still."

„He's five and a very strong character, honey. That's not easy to handle. And I am sure he appreciates everything he has but again - five years old. His frustration will get the best of him for a couple of more years. And honestly, once he breaks a toy that's dear to him, that's probably going to have a bit of an impact on him. But that's the most natural consequence out there and it'll do more than time-outs and a ban on watching TV will. I know you are frustrated and so is he."

„I just feel like I've messed up somewhere. Other kids don't act this way."

„Oh please. Of course they do. Maybe not every kid throws their toys but trust me, they all act out and that's perfectly normal behavior. Parents just don't like to admit to it. You haven't messed up. You've got a perfectly healthy and normal child that is testing you and your boundaries time and time again."

Olivia chews on that for a long while. It is so confusing. They live in a world where most parents think consequences and discipline are necessary and then she has checked out a couple of Tom's books that claim the opposite. Her own instinct tells her that hitting children is wrong. That hurting little humans shouldn't be condoned. From experience she knows that it might have made her more compliant at times but it had also engrained fears in her. In theory it sounds so simply to love your child through its frustrations and temper tantrums. But it isn't. It's the hardest thing Olivia has ever done.

„Give me some of your composure and tranquility?"

„Sure, if you give me your backbone and authenticity," he smiles and kisses Olivia's temple.

„Guess we're both not perfect," Olivia mutters.

„Far from it," Tom agrees.

„But you know, I think we could complement each other pretty well with the whole parenting thing." Again it is in her words. She wants to do this together with him. Olivia plays with Tom's fingers, her hands gentle on his. Olivia thinks it is the first time she puts it like this. That she wants to parent with him. Together. Fifty-fifty. Well, as fifty-fifty as it gets with them not living together.

Fifty-fifty also means she has to carry Tom's decisions, even when she won't like some of them. They will have to talk about things that bother her or him. She can't criticize like she had a couple of days ago, no matter how stressed and frustrated she might be. And Tom will have to learn to play by certain rules that aren't negotiable, even if he likes a more relaxed approach in terms of bedtime, snacks and presents. They can work well together, it shows often enough. And while things will never be perfect and one hundred percent in synch, Olivia believes they can find a healthy balance. So, she absolutely can't pull something like she had before. Telling him they are fine without him. Or throwing in his face that he is not Noah's father.

„You think so?" The smile that creeps onto his face is something Tom can't hide. It feels good to hear her say that she thinks they can complement each other well in parenting Noah. What he does to help out finally has a name.

„I do. And I…," she starts and then stops to think her words through first. „I never should have made it sounds like you don't get to say or decide anything just because you aren't his father." Olivia of all people should know a lot better. Blood doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. It doesn't mean anything in parenting. Noah is not biologically hers and she couldn't love him more. And just because Tom has only entered the picture later doesn't mean he won't love him as much as her.

When he hears it Tom gets somber and nods slowly. „Look, I know I'm not. His father. And I know that your word counts more-„

„No, wait. Tom, that's what I'm trying to say. I was wrong to put it like that. You haven't been in the picture for very long, it's not even been a year. But-," she swallows and looks at him because this is something Tom needs to hear and she needs it to get through to him. „But in that time you have been more of a constant in Noah's life than any other man. From the very first day you have been reliable and willing to participate in his life. In our life. I never even had to ask you for anything, you were just there and fully present. You play with him, you take him to the playground or to the movies, you go explore and do all these fun things. But you also manage things at home, make sure he gets dressed on time, fix breakfast, remind him to tidy his room after he plays. He never had that. And I never had that. I made it sound like I take that for granted. „You may not be his father but you stepped up to the plate. You do everything a father would. So for all intends and purposes… that is exactly what Noah will see in you. Not just a man that's dating his mother. And that's what I see in you, too. What I see in us. That potential for us to be an actual family. I got very upset that night. But that wasn't your fault. I take as much responsibility for the things leading up to that fight because I haven't spoken up in time. And most of it wasn't even about you or the things you did or didn't do. I don't always communicate well. Especially not when it comes to things that scare me. The talk you had with Alice - that scared me and I didn't bring it up. Instead I let so many things manifest."

He sees where this is going but decides to let her say what she needs to say first.

„Especially the thought that I'm taking something from you. That you are making the greatest sacrifice by being with me and wanting to be part of my little family instead of starting one of your own with someone you wouldn't have to make sacrifices for." This string of conversation she introduces makes Olivia nervous, even a little nauseous. The thing is: she knows how it feels to want children. How painful it is when you can't and even more so when your partner, the person you love, doesn't share that desire. When she had thought for about a week that she might be pregnant a few years back, when she had been with Brian, it had been the most hurtful thing to realize that he hoped for a false alarm. To see the relief wash over his face when had taken the test and it showed a clear a negative had been even worse. As if on cue her period had started that same night. His happiness had been her devastation. So, she knows. Olivia knows what she is taking from Tom, how much it is she is asking of him. It's not a good feeling. And although it hadn't been the only reason that her and Brian had eventually broken up, it had been a big part in the decision making process. Brian had never seen himself having children with her, growing old with her. And while Olivia pictures herself growing old with Tom, she doesn't see another baby in their future.

„Olivia…"

„No, wait. I…," she clears her throat and her cheeks turn red with heat as a heaviness settles in her stomach. She needs to know. They need to have this conversation or else it will always be there for her, it will always make her wonder and doubt. „If I… if I told you I wanted to have a child with you, adopt together? Would you go for that? Is that something you want?" More than that, is it something he needs. That is what she needs to know. The confusion washes over Tom's face.

„I'm not sure what you are asking," he tells her and squints his eyes. She's not proposing they have a baby, is she? It is then that she realizes how it sounds.

„I'm not… I… can you just answer the question?" She asks quietly, insecurely.

Tom exhales heavily and scrubs his palms over his face. This is the sort of question that can't have the right answer, isn't it? But she wants him to answer it. It occurs to him that when they had talked about this all this time ago, when he had told her children aren't even in the cards for him, it had never meant he doesn't want kid. Of course he does. He would love to. Lying to her face crosses his mind - just to put Olivia at ease. But he can't do that. Answering such a raw question with a lie isn't right. Nervously he folds his hands.

„Yes, that is something that I want," he says after what feels like minutes of silence when it have only been seconds. „But that is not what you're proposing, is it?" When she lowers her head he has his answer. This is a lot harder than he could have imagined. Her gaze finds his and he can see the moisture in her eyes as she whispers.

„I can't," she tells him, sounding shattered. A tear rolls down her cheek and Tom unfolds his hands and gently reaches out to wipe it away with her thumb. When she closes her eyes at the touch two more follow.

„That's okay," Tom tells her. The words are tender and he repeats them. „You hear me? That's okay."

„How?" She cries. „How is that okay? I've… I've been there," she manages breathlessly. „And it wasn't okay." Her voice cracks a little when she feels his lips connect with her forehead. This, she thinks, this is why she hasn't spoken up sooner. The heartbreak she feels for him. The heartbreak she feels for herself because she can't give him a child.

„I'd never want you to do something for me that you don't truly want. And there is nothing wrong with you being at an other point in your life. In terms of children - you feel complete with Noah, don't you?"

She swallows thickly but the lump in her throat remains as she slowly nods. She hasn't always. A few years ago she could have imagined adding to her family. If they had met a few years ago…

But now - now, she just doesn't see herself starting over. It is so far gone that she can't even envision it. That heart-wrenching desire is gone. Common sense tells her that at her age it is for the best. There is a reason that nature puts a stop to a woman's fertility after all and she's rolling towards menopause fast these days.

„Can you look at me?" Tom asks softly, trying to encourage her as he tucks Olivia's chin up. For a moment she squeezes her eyes more shut but then opens them, looking at him through a blur of tears.

„I am fine." He can see that Olivia doesn't quite believe him. „You have your reasons. And they are _good_ reasons. I don't believe that I can't be perfectly happy without children of my own. But there's one thing I do know," Tom tells her. „And that's that I won't be happy without you." More tears fall from the brim of Olivia's eyes.

„I don't want to take anything from you."

„And you aren't. You have made yourself clear a long time ago, honey." He strokes her cheek with his thumb, trying to make her see that she has nothing to worry about. „I have never held out any hope that you would change your mind. What I want is to be with you and Noah. That's all I ever wanted from this. Would it be nice to have a baby with you one way or another? Yes. I think that would be fantastic. I won't lie about that. But it's not the epitome of happiness for me, Liv. You and me? Noah? There's so many factors that make what we have and what we've built so far precious to me. I don't need a child to validate that. So you are not taking anything from me. You have given me so, so much. After Sarah I didn't think I'd love like that. I never thought I could love someone this much, period. This is enough," he tells her softly but with conviction. „ _You_ are enough." Her face nestles in the nook of his neck as he embraces her.

„I do want a kitten, though," he throws in to lighten the mood and he feels her chuckle through her tears and he smiles. „That's not negotiable. I'm putting my foot down."

„I'm not really a fan of cats," she admits, something she hadn't told him when he had first asked if she could imagine having a dog or cat. She thinks they are deceitful animals. „I don't hate them," she adds. „I just don't think of myself as a cat person."

„And just like that it all falls apart," Tom jokes and finally she laughs. „Seriously though, I mean it, Olivia. I'm fine. We're fine. Can you believe that?"

Can she? She isn't sure. There is still that fear that although she thinks Tom means everything he says, he could regret it one day. And regret is a tough thing to live with. Sometimes she still can't wrap her head around the fact he loves her, someone eleven years older, when he could clearly be with a younger, sexier woman. Someone who doesn't have all that baggage. He is a very handsome guy in his own right. His attractiveness doesn't stand out at first glance, it's just below the surface. It's in the way he smiles and carries himself and how he has the ability to make her laugh even though she feels like crying. It's in the way he cares about her and her son and how he is so willing to do things right and make her feel special. All of it makes him beyond sexy to Olivia. By now she has become a sucker for Tom's ginger hair and she has to admit that she never gave red-heads a second glance before him. Clearly all those qualities must have stood out to his ex as well because Sarah is one of the most beautiful women Olivia has ever seen.

„Yeah," she breathes after a few long seconds and sits up to look at him. „I think you're insane for it but… yeah, I believe that."

„Good," he says with a soft smile, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear before he attaches his lips to Olivia's. The kiss is gentle and reassuring. As uncomfortable as this conversation has been, it is good that they talked and got some problems out of the way. „Do you have to get home soon?" She has her suspicions why he asks and giggles against his mouth.

„Why?"

„No reason," he says nonchalantly but skim his knuckles down her sides.

„I probably should so Lucy can head out." One more kiss and she pulls back. „You coming back with me?"

„At this rate I will need more clothes. Which is a yes, by the way." It's true, at this point he is staying over quite a lot.

„So bring more clothes," Olivia says easily. „There's space." Well, she can make space. Same difference, though. And she probably should. She can pretend all she wants but he's semi-living with her already. He's got his toiletries over, he has a drawer and other things of his are floating around her apartment, too. There is his mail at her place that he sometimes collects and brings over to go through it. His favorite snacks. Folders for work. He uses her laptop for research and probably cooks in her kitchen more than she does. The transition had been fluid. So fluid that it only hits her now.

„Alright," he says and kisses her nose. „Give me five?"

„Yeah, sure," she says softly. And in the back of her mind she thinks that maybe they need a bigger place.

…

 **End notes: I guess some very important things have been said. What do you think? And yes, this is the point where I'm asking you to review or drop me a private message :)**


	72. One of the stories

**Hey you lovely people. Thank you so much for your lovely reviews. I am back with a rather short installment. Hope you like.**

 **...**

 _„The Reid case?"_

 _She thinks Dodds is wound up way too tight today, certainly not in the mood for any bullshit. Hardly anything satisfies him today and they have had plenty of good outcomes in the past couple of weeks. But of course the Reid case isn't one of them. Taylor Reid is still missing and they have no lead. It's been weeks and they all know how statistically it means the odds of finding the girl (especially alive) are long._

 _„Phillip's still not willing to talk to us."_

 _Dodds huffs, scribbles something down on his notepad._

 _„We've been talking to the Reids, hoping they will convince him to work with us if he cares about finding her at all but…"_

 _„Always a but with your squad, isn't there?"_

 _And here we go, she thinks. Fuck, she's tired. The smart thing to do would be to keep her mouth shut but today Olivia thinks what the hell. They might as well._

 _„I don't know about that, Chief. Care to elaborate?" One brow is raised and the moment Dodds notices it he sees it for what it is. She's challenging him. Probably not a good idea but she's had it with him since their last meeting with 1PP._

 _„A thirteen year old girl has gone missing, dropped off the earth while her brother in-law was the only person in the home with her and you failed to either keep him behind bars or make him talk. Do you understand the implications that case has on the NYPD, on the Mayor's office?" Now it's Olivia's time to scoff in disbelief. Does she understand the implications? Hell, yes. It's her squad everybody's coming down on after all._

 _„Do I understand how it makes you look, isn't that what you mean, Chief?" There's a red flag and Olivia's ignoring it, not willing to take any more of his BS. Before Dodds can come back at her she keeps on talking, leaning in just a little closer. „Phillip Brewer is not behind bars because his attorney had the means to appeal custody and my squad can bend over backwards and it still won't change a suspect's constitutional right to remain silent, especially after the DA's office has put the pressure on high and issued a warrant for his arrest based solely on circumstantial evidence and word on the street is that it was based on orders from high up above. If there's a but with my squad it's because we executed your dirty work and subsequently made my people look like a bunch of incompetent idiots. So rest assured that I understand the implications very well."_

 _„Are you done?" Dodds pronounces every word with a brief pause._

 _„I don't know, Chief. Are you?"_

 _…._

„Liv? What are you doin`here?" Looking at her number two sheepishly as she leans against the doorframe of his bachelor pad, allowing her a bit of a glance inside Olivia starts thinking that maybe she should have kept her mouth shut.

„Have you heard yet?"

„Heard what?" Ah, yeah. She'll be the bearer of not so good news. „Somethin`happen?"

„Can I come in?" It doesn't seem like he has company and without hesitation he opens the door further and lets her in. „You won yourself a ticket as CO for the week."

„What? They sending you away again?" Fin's not impressed. He had taken the Sergeant's exam itself rather unwillingly. It had been for Olivia more than anything else. She had asked nicely and after his initial reluctance he had eventually agreed. The paperwork, politics - none of it is really his thing. When she had been in Chicago for about three weeks last December he had first run the unit for longer than a couple days and had decided that he certainly had no ambition to climb up further in rank.

„Nah," Olivia says. „Got myself a suspension." Seven days. Without pay. She had pretty much seen it coming.

„Now what the hell you done?" Without needing to ask he grabs a couple of beers from his fridge, twists off the caps and shoves one in his boss' hand as she willingly rehashes the entire thing. „Ah shit, Liv. You better watch what'cha sayin´."

And well, she knows better than that. She knows the drill but fuck, she had been too worked up to take the blame for something that doesn't belong to her unit.

„You should have heard him, Fin. Pissing all over this squad with his high and mighty attitude, telling me with SVU there's always a but. When they issued Phillip's arrest neither of us quite understood on what grounds. You myself told me that this ain't a good idea and if Barba can pull any string this is the time. The general public needed someone who's guilty and what they got was Brewer on a silver platter. They knew as well as we did that we didn't have a solid lead. Fuck, Fin - all the manpower, helipcopter, cadaver dogs, man trailers because a 72-year old guy with bad vision has seen a car that ‚could have' matched Phillip's Volvo? I haven't seen something like that in my years on the job. They've fucked up and they knew it and while they were running out of time-," she shakes her head and takes a healthy swig from the cool beer. „They made a show out of this, Fin. Making it look like they had something solid, kept everyone holding their breath because they had to make it look like Brewer was good for it." The beer is good, so she indulges some more.

„Now please tell me you didn't breathe a word of any of that to Dodds."

„Oh please, I didn't try to get my ass fired." She had known to play it within the lines. „But I damn well wanted him to know that I see through this charade. This wasn't our screw-up, this came from his crowd of suits. And how does he dare bitch to me when it was them who have splashed our name all over it so they can wash their hands clean?" They can't have it both ways. While it sucks to be suspended and without pay, which is what truly hurts, it was worth it. Dodd's face of disbelief that she had dared to go head to head with him alone had been priceless. The real bummer in this is that she has no idea what to do with all that free time she has coming up.

„I'd rather you woulda kept your mouth shut, Liv. You know I always got your back but you don't wanna mess with Dodds."

„Hey, I don't wanna mess with him. If anything I don't wanna be messed with." He doesn't look half convinced. What it comes down to however is that he worries about her. He doesn't wanna see Olivia anywhere near the Chief's blacklist. „Seriously, Fin. I know what I'm doing. I was careful not to say too much."

„That don't sound careful to me, Liv. Ah, shit-," he shakes his head. Now he gets all sentimental in his old age. But he figures going head to head with the devil ain't much better than making a deal with him.

„I'm fine, you know? It's a week, no big deal."

„You promise not to butt heads with him again anytime soon?" His request makes her chuckle but his face remains straight, not a muscle moving.

„Come on, Fin."

„I'm serious, Liv. The guy can be a dick."

„Not news to me," comes her dry reply. „I'll play nice." This seems to satisfy her co-worker of nineteen years because he relaxes visibly and sits down on his sofa, motioning for her to do the same.

„So all shit aside, you think he done it?"

„Phillip?" She blows out a breath because she's always been on the fence about this one. „I have no idea." Sure, they've seen clean cut shit before. It's not farfetched that he might have come home and acted inappropriately towards his thirteen year old sister in-law and panicked afterwards. But she hadn't gotten that cold-blooded killer vibe from the guy and he seemed to calm for someone who had freaked out after assaulting or raping someone, killing them and hiding a body. Who on earth is that strategic? No, Phillip Brewer doesn't come off like a person who has murdered a child. But Olivia has been fooled before. „What I do know is that if it was me and I was innocent? I'd keep my mouth shut, too. His life as he knew it is over. His face was all over every news outlet, he lost his job. If he's innocent…"

„He's fucked."

„Yup. Pretty much. And so is Taylor's family for openly standing by him when the media and the majority of the public has already precondemned him for rape and murder. They can only lose, no matter what they do. Their daughter has been missing for weeks and it's unlikely that she's still alive. Their son in-law is a prime suspect in a murder investigation without a body. I get why they can't let themselves think he has anything to do with Taylor's disappearance. That entire family construct would just… break apart."

„He lied, that's for sure."

„Everybody lies. Everybody has secrets. Might be he had something to do with Taylor's disappearance, might be he has a mistress somewhere out there and doesn't want to risk losing the wife and his clean reputation. It's iffy but… everybody lies." Olivia knows that well enough - she has perjured herself on the stand in Lewis' trial after all and that's a lot worse than _just_ lying to the police about your whereabouts. „Anyway…" heavily she sits down next to Fin. „You looking forward to next week yet?" She wiggles her eyebrows at him, knowing he's not a happy camper at all.

„You need a vacation you coulda just taken a couple days off you know?"

Olivia chuckles and knocks her elbow into his side. „Funny.. And I am so nice to take a stack of paperwork home."

„You actually that bored? Get a life, Benson."

Olivia snorts and tips her head back. She's got a life, thing is Tom has to work and Noah is in school. Which means she has plenty of hours to fill. She could go and see her hairdresser. Or read a book. Or… Yeah, that's pretty much where she's out of ideas. Usually when she takes time of it's when she has things planned.

„What do you do when you're off?" She eyes his TV unit with two different game consoles, knowing he's a gamer.

„Ah, trust me, you don't wanna know."

„Yeah, probably not," she scoffs around a smile. „I should head home."

„You got company?"

„Wouldn't you like to know?" She teases but smiles. Fin is the last person who would like to know. He couldn't care less and she knows it. It's one of the many things she loves about him. He's not a gossip, not nosey and even better - he calls other people out when they fail to mind their own business.

„Nah. Just wanna know that you're good."

And because he doesn't really want to know it's so easy to entrust him with things that are personal. „I'm good," she offers. And in so few words there is a lot of truth. She is good, happy and content. They both know it has everything to do with the man in her life.

A blind person could see that Tom is good for Olivia. Fin has seen Olivia date a share of men and regardless his personal opinion on some of the guys he had always rooted for her to find someone to make her happy. The red-head seems to do that and from what Fin can tell he's likable enough. Pretty easy-going, uncomplicated. The fact he's not NYPD and not in law enforcement either seems to help, too. Liv's not the kind of person to get home and leave the job be. Coming home to someone who lives in that same world can be counterproductive in that case. And then, but that's Fin's personal opinion, it's never a good idea to fuck the company. Only stirs up shit that don't need stirring.

„I'm happy for ya, I hope you know that."

Looking over at Fin she smiles softly. Here he is going all sappy on her and she lives for it.

„Thank you for saying that," Olivia tells him. Especially from Fin it means a lot. They have been working alongside each other for so long and have grown really close. They may not spend a lot of time together outside of the precinct but with their hours that is only natural. „I'm quite happy for myself, you know," she says easily around a smile and takes one last sip from her beer. „I really should get going. I can hardly remember the last time I've been home for dinner," she mutters and groans as she stands up. „Thanks for the beer."

„Welcome. And Liv?"

„Yeah, I know. I'll play it safe with Dodds."

„I was gonna say that revenge is mine." Her laugh is full as she puts the bottle on his breakfast bar.

„Don't be such a cry baby, it's only for a week, Sergeant Tutuola."

…


End file.
